Calm Parenting Podcast – Episode 533 Summary
When Kids Reflexively Say No, Reject Your Ideas, Food & Faith
Host: Kirk Martin
Date: November 5, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Kirk Martin explores why strong-willed children reflexively say "no," reject parental ideas, food, and even family faith or beliefs. Kirk draws on his years of working with challenging kids to explain not just the what but the why behind these behaviors. He provides practical, real-life tested strategies to reduce power struggles and increase collaboration, all while encouraging parents to see these traits as future strengths rather than current obstacles.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Understanding the “Why?” Question

• Big Picture Thinkers: Strong-willed kids who ask "why" are not just being defiant. They crave context and meaning.

• Kirk’s Personal Insight (06:20):

  “They are big picture strategic thinkers...I’m not really good at handling details until I understand the bigger picture.”

• Strategy: Give a brief, meaningful context instead of lengthy explanations or lectures.

  Example:

  • Instead of “Just do it now,” try, “Hey, plans have changed, Grandma is sick, we need to go help her.”
  • Provides a transitional cue and reason, which diffuses the instinctive resistance.

2. Kids Want Ownership (Rejecting Your Ideas at First)

• Self-Sufficiency: Children push back because they want to own their solutions and choices.
• Reference to Episode #529: For a full deep-dive on letting kids own their decisions and why that’s vital.
• Advice: Back off. Allow children to try things their way, even if it’s not how you would do it. Celebrate their process and learning.

3. Rejecting Parental Faith or Beliefs

• Healthy Individuality: Questioning family faith, beliefs, or political stances is normal and even desirable for intellectual and emotional maturity.
• Notable Quote (19:45):

  “What they’re really saying is, ‘I don’t want to believe just because my mommy and daddy do...I want to wrestle with these ideas myself and then come to my own conclusion. That is a very healthy way to approach things in life.’”

• What Not to Do:
  • Don’t react, take it personally, or get defensive.
  • Don’t attempt to convince them.
• What To Do Instead:
  • Model the behavior, belief, or value in daily life.
  • Be genuinely curious about their questions (“I love that you’re not afraid to question things.”)
  • Validate their curiosity without having to agree with their conclusions.

4. Pushing Back on Food Choices

• Kids Resist What Matters to You: The more a parent pushes, especially about diet, the more a strong-willed child will push back.
• Model, Don’t Lecture: Make healthy food easily available, reduce “food friction,” and model healthy habits.
• Memorable Analogy (28:15):

  “They’re not going to say, ‘after you lectured us 47 times, all of a sudden we realized you’re right and the food pyramid…is correct.’”

5. Rejecting Lectures and Parental Advice

• Lecturing Backfires: Strong-willed kids tune out lectures; it makes adults sound weak and anxious.
• Alternative Approach:
  • Share life insights as observations, not ultimatums.
  • Example Phrase (35:12):

    “What I’ve discovered in life is that when people do X, it typically turns out this way.”

  • Drop the advice, walk away, give space for processing. Don’t force engagement.
  • Invite them to revisit: “I’ve got some ideas; if you want to get me later, I’d love to share.”
• Resetting Emotional Tone:
  • Pause before responding to “attitude.”
  • Don’t take disrespect personally.
  • Aspire to be the “giver of wisdom” instead of the “chief disciplinarian.”

6. The Reflexive “No”

• Anxiety and Buying Time: For some (including Kirk himself), the instant “no” is an anxious reaction to newness, change, or loss of control.
• Kids Often Calculating: Many are weighing the risk and reward of compliance vs. autonomy and may accept bigger consequences just to maintain a sense of control.
• Notable Quote (46:05):

  “They don’t really care that much about losing stuff. They care about losing their autonomy.”

• Don’t Take It Personally: The “no” isn’t an attack on authority. Expect it and work with it.
• Give Instructions & Space:
  • State expectations calmly (“Here’s what I expect…”), allow for initial protest (“initial bluster”), then leave them to process and decide.
  • Kids often comply once there’s no audience for their resistance.

7. Avoiding Power Struggles: The Ownership Principle

• Share Ownership within Boundaries:
  • Relinquish control over how things are done, not whether they get done.

    “I don’t care how you do it…as long as we accomplish the same task.”

  • Praise the effort, not the method.

Noteworthy Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On letting kids ask “why” (08:55):

  “Isn’t it natural for me to ask why, when you said Saturday morning is mine and now you change the plans?”

• On healthy skepticism (19:45):

  “I love that you’re not afraid to question things…I love that you’re willing to wrestle with hard ideas and come to your own conclusions.”

• On kids and autonomy (46:30):

  “They will often choose the harsh consequence over just doing something simple…because they care about their autonomy.”

• On letting go of control (56:20):

  “What I’m relinquishing is not control over whether it gets done…It’s over how it gets done.”

• Encouragement to parents (57:00):

  “If you are like this…I guarantee you have grown up thinking maybe that something was wrong with you or that you were the bad kid or the black sheep of the family. I want your kids to know there’s nothing wrong with them. They just approach the world in different ways and this is empowering to them.”

Important Timestamps

• 06:20: Why “why?” matters—big picture thinkers.
• 10:50: Modeling context and reducing power struggles over changes in plan.
• 19:45: Kids rejecting faith, beliefs; why it’s healthy.
• 28:15: Why lectures about food don’t work.
• 35:12: Moving from lectures to sharing wisdom.
• 41:50: How to recover from power struggles and emotional reactions.
• 46:05: The “reflexive no:” anxiety, autonomy, and risk-reward.
• 56:20: Relinquishing control over process, not outcomes.

Overall Tone

Kirk keeps a warm, humorous, and honest tone throughout. He mixes anecdotal stories, self-deprecating humor, and deep empathy for both parents and children. There’s emphasis on meeting kids where they are, working with—not against—their natures, and modeling the values parents care about instead of controlling or convincing.

Actionable Takeaways

• Give short and meaningful context for tasks and boundaries, especially with “why” askers.
• Step back and let children own their process and solutions; let them try it their way.
• Model values and curiosity—even when kids question core beliefs.
• Avoid lectures; share wisdom as friendly observations and invite kids to engage on their own terms.
• Give calm instructions, expect initial resistance, and walk away. Trust the process, not the power struggle.
• Shift focus to being a “giver of wisdom,” and avoid making compliance the only parental goal.
• Discuss these topics with kids. Let them listen and reflect—this helps them understand themselves, reducing shame and increasing connection.

For further support, Kirk invites parents to visit CelebrateCalm.com or email Casey (C-A-S-E-Y@celebratecalm.com). He encourages dialog, curiosity, and self-compassion for all involved in the parenting journey.

Recommended for:
Parents of strong-willed kids, teachers, or anyone wanting to reduce family power struggles and honor kids' autonomy while maintaining boundaries.

Kirk’s Final Encouragement:

"Love you all. Respect you so much for working so hard at this…There’s nothing wrong with your kids. They just approach the world differently—and this is empowering." (57:05)