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So you're trying to help your child do something they're struggling with, something they've told you is important to them, but they won't listen to you, even though it would be so much easier if they did. And it turns into a huge fight sometimes with big emotions. So I want to walk you through a couple different situations and give you scripts and action steps that actually help your kids change. But more importantly, it helps you build a connection and trust with them without the anger, the resentment and power struggle. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us. And we've got a big fall sale going on, 17 audio programs for basically the cost of one trip to a therapist's office. But it's just insight strategies into kids like this. So work on that and let your kids listen. I promise you, if you let your kids listen, you will change your family very, very quickly. In fact, I almost want to say, just let your kids listen. You don't have and they'll tell you what to do. It's kind of funny if you do it that way and it'll probably be very effective. So we're at a live event. My mom says my son doesn't ever listen and doesn't like to be told what to do. And inside I was like, okay, all right, I know that's our kids, but I saw her son begin to object kind of naturally, right? So I asked for an example and the mom said, we golf together and when I see my son making a mistake. I try to show him what he needs to do differently. I'm just trying to help moms and dads. I get it. You love these kids. You bent over backwards to help them. But I knew there was something else going on because I'm kind of very much like our kids. And so I asked the strong willed son for his opinion. And listen to how he said this in his very kind of analytical, direct way. He said, mom, I don't mind you pointing out my mistakes, but I want to figure out how to fix them myself. And I was like, oh, that's good insight. See, that changes everything. Because if we don't understand our kids and their motivations, here's how this scene usually would unfold. See if this sounds familiar. Mom says, daniel, your hips and shoulders aren't parallel. It's causing you to slice the ball. Okay, got it, Mom. No, I don't think you do because you keep slicing. Thanks, mom. I'll work on it. Here, Daniel, let me show you how. And then the son responds, Mom. And now cue the five minute parent lecture. You know what, Daniel? I pay a lot of money and give up a lot of my time to come here with you, and this is all I get? Why won't you listen to me? Do you know how long I've been playing? I just want to help you be the best golfer you can be. And the child says, stop, please. You know what? A little bit of gratitude would be nice. And then Daniel walks off. Forget it. I'm done today. Daniel, I will not let you quit. If you walk away, you are going to lose all your. And then your kids are going to say whatever. You will not talk to me like that, young man. You've been there, you've done that. And look, Mom's intentions are good. Her son has said very clearly he wants to make the golf team, and she's trying to help him. So why does it end up feeling so awful? Why do we end up feeling resentful? After all we do. I think there are two common culprits. Number one is our anxiety. Anxiety is causing this mom to lecture, to press too much to be responsible for her son and his actions. It causes her to feel pressure to make sure her son is successful. But that ultimately leads to her becoming resentful and reacting and making threats and getting into a power struggle. See, it's really easy to fall into those traps. And this used to happen to Casey and with Casey and me all the time. The day would begin with this nice outing. But by the end, we were driving home in silence, fuming, separated emotionally, right from our kids. And you do know this because I've said it before, but you are not responsible for your child's happiness. You're not responsible for their success. It's when we cross those boundaries and we jump in, we're trying so hard and we're pressuring too much that, that they resist us. And if you don't know how to step back from your own anxiety and control that you'll just sabotage your relationships. So you have to give your kids space to be responsible for themselves. Our phrases, when we step back, when we step back from micromanaging and lecturing, when we step back from being responsible for them, it gives our kids space to step up and be responsible for themselves. And that's what we're after. So think about this with that space. Quick side story. So picture this. There's a mom and a daughter, Emma, and they're at a horse barn. And so the daughter volunteers her time there. She works, she shovels manure, does all kinds of odd jobs. So in return she gets to ride a horse and gets free riding lessons. And so it's a really. Being around animals is a fantastic form of therapy for many of your kids. Horses in particular are very, very sensitive. And our kids are often better with animals than they are with humans. And when Emma's at this farm, see, just think, she has this creature, she has these horses that she cares about and she's responsible for them. She's conscientious, she puts in all of this effort. She feels like she has something to give and it's really important for our kids. And she also gets a lot back emotionally. And your kids are often very responsible when they care about something, when they do adult type jobs with independence, usually for other people. See, Emma won't do a thing at home, she won't even pick up her socks. But when she's here, oh, she works hard. She does the dirty work. Why? It's her own mission, something she cares about. When she's here, no one is micromanaging her, pointing out all the little things she's doing wrong. She's got freedom, she knows what to do. The owner of the horse farm greets her with a smile and says, man, I'm really glad that you're here. You're such a hard worker. And that's something that our kids may not hear at home or at school very often. And Emma is also, like a lot of our kids, she's very particular, very Sensory. Sometimes her clothes or socks don't feel just right. And I know this is irritating because you're like, we've got to go. We've got multiple kids. We've got to get out the door. And here you are worried about how your clothes feel. But it is a very real thing to our kids. And on this particular day, Emma's just off a little bit, and so she's exhaling, you know, she's putting on her boots, exhaling kind of a little loudly while trying to put those boots on. And I remember when Casey used to do this, and it just irked me, like it grated on me. And I always wanted to lecture. You know what? Most kids never get the opportunities you have, and the least you could do is have a good attitude. And that was always met with, you're right, father. Thank you for pointing out. Thank you for pointing that out. In the midst of my irritation and frustration, it's always helpful to be reminded that I'm an ungrateful kid who irritates you. Oh, that just crushes me when I say that. Right? Like, it's like, why did I need him to have a good attitude? See, that's my issue. That's your issue. We're the adults. And the sooner that you and I own that, the. The sooner the power struggles stop. So you know these signs, right? Your particular child is getting irritated, and that's why being. That's. This is what being calm does for me. It doesn't mean I get walked on. I'm an intense guy. It means I slow my world down inside, not driven by the whirlwind of my internal anxiety. So I can see situations clearly, because in this situation, the mom is getting trapped, triggered. And now you can handle it differently because you know what's about to happen. Emma's wrestling with her boots, and then mom warns her, well, if you don't take care of those expensive boots, you're not going to be able to ride again. And the daughter says, fine, I hate your stupid boots anyway. And mom's like, I spent $300 on those. And then Emma's gonna say, well, Sarah's parents bought her even better ones. And you know, there's another blow up coming in public. But this time instead, mom acts like she's getting a phone call and steps out of the barn for two minutes and lets her daughter wrestle with her boots and wrestle with her frustration alone, without being watched, without being helped. How many of you have situations when you're just struggling and someone comes like, oh, do you need some help and it just sounds sometimes like so condescending and so mom steps out of the room. When mom comes back in, Emma has her boots on and of course acts like nothing had happened. That's just the way that it works. And I know you want it to be different and your child, but it's just not. So deal with reality. Control your anxiety. Okay, what is the other culprit that trips us up and how can you handle this situation differently when your child doesn't want your help? We know homework time can be incredibly stressful with our kids, so consider getting a tutor, an outside voice your kids will listen to with Wyzant. Wyzant is the nation's largest network of tutors with more than 65,000 expert tutors across 350 subjects. Wyzant makes it easy to get personalized one on one online support for your child that fits your busy schedule and budget. Wyzant makes it easy to find the right tutor. You can browse profiles and read reviews and your first hours protected by Wyzant's Good Fit Guarantee. No subscriptions, no costly packages, just the help you need when you need it. Help your child succeed in school and boost their confidence with Wyzant graduates. Go to wyzant.com that's W Y Z A-N-T.com and book your first lesson today. And just for calm parenting podcast listeners, use code PODCAST15 to enjoy $15 off your first lesson. Visit wiseant.com and give your child the tools they need to thrive. So it's 9pm and your child casually says oh, I need my uniform for tomorrow's game. Sound familiar? Skylight keeps every practice, game, chore and school activity in one place so you eliminate those last minute surprises that upset your kids. Skylight Calendar syncs seamlessly with all your calendars and visually displays your family schedule on an HD touchscreen. Skylight is like having an assistant coach. You know, the good one who always remembers the snacks and is on top of everything. Import a month of your kids sports schedule in a snap. Skylight's free mobile app updates instantly, keeping the whole family in the loop. If in four months you are not 100% thrilled with your purchase, you can return it for a full refund, no questions asked. Right now Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch calendars by going to myskylight.com parenting that's my sky lig.com parenting so go to myskylight.com parenting so the second culprit is just that we don't always understand our kids and what motivates them and what drives them. Sometimes we think our kids are lazy, when sometimes they just need tools to complete an assignment. We think they're defiant when it's really anxiety and fear, like in the last episode of the podcast. That whole defiant situation, the underlying root of it was just the child's anxiety. Sometimes we think they're undisciplined, when it's just really a lack of purpose, and we have to spark that internal motivation. This mom's assumption is that her son doesn't like to be told what to do, and that carries a negative connotation. My response, be thankful you have a child who. Who wants to problem solve, who isn't just a follower who can think independently. This is a kid who wants to figure it out on his own, who wants some ownership to be responsible for his own golf swing. Isn't that what we really want? Yes. See? Let me spend just one more minute on this understanding our kids like this. See, these are kids who tinker with things, and they're always playing with things. They're looking, seeing how things work. It's why they tinker with your brain, because they push your buttons. Because when they push your buttons, then they get a certain response that they know it all plays together with these kids. It's why they have such good critical thinking skills. But they don't always get to use those problem solving skills, those critical thinking skills in school, do they? In school, sometimes it's like, what is the answer in. And it's either yes or no or it's right or that. Same as right or wrong. But many of our kids are deeper thinkers and they want to figure out how things work. So you've got a child here who here who does care about golf, but just wants to figure it out. And I can relate to this because I tend to do things the hard way. I remember when we lived in Wilmington, North Carolina. I began, I begin to play tennis, and so I got the cheap tennis racket. It's like a $14 racket from Amazon. And all my friends were like, oh, you can't win with that. And I'm oppositional. So I was like, oh, I will figure out how to beat you even with my $14Amazon record. And they're like, well, you need to take lessons. And I'm well aware that if I would have taken lessons, that someone would have been able to teach me some things. But you know what really helps me? I went out and Just started playing and I started experimenting and. And I started figuring out what was working and what doesn't. And then later I went and I got the lesson because then I had context and I had figured out some things myself. I take pleasure in sometimes, in a sense, touching the hot stove. But I'm older now, so I know not to actually burn myself. But your kids are like that. And these are really, really good qualities that they have. It's just that they don't always fit in the system the right way. And they're just. It's more diffic that way because compliant kids just do. Do what you tell them to do. And so when we control our anxiety and understand our kids, here's how the situation sounds. Mom would say, hey, Daniel, your hips and shoulders aren't parallel. It's causing you to slice the ball. Okay, got it, Mom. Then watch what mom does. I'm going to go practice my short game while you work on that. Call me if you need me. Mom walks away and controls herself enjoying some downtime, working on her putting and chip shots. Or she goes to the clubhouse and has a couple drinks. Kidding. Not into drinking, but you're going to feel like it sometimes. That's why I joke about it, because it's like, oh, I just feel like it. And you know, when I joke about that, you know what I'm really saying is I get the frustration because I don't want to present this parenting stuff of like, oh, it's just easy. If you just follow like this, it'll be easy. It's not. And you're going to be frustrated. There are situations, they're just hard. But mom walks away and starts working on her own thing. She's so focused on working on her own game. And you can make that your own game of golf or your own game of working on your own issues that she's not standing over. Can you imagine not standing over, watching. Standing behind her son, watching every single swing. There is no way I'm going to do that if you're going to stand behind me. And I can tell you the image that came in my head, which was, no, I would probably turn around and swing, try to hit the ball at you to get rid of you. So just know that viscerally that's what it would feel like. Now some of you, you're going to have to wrestle because you're like, but I would love for someone to come over and show me how to do it. But that's you. And you have to separate how you're motivated what you're like from what your child is. So a little while later, Daniel calls her over, who just initiated the kid. Hey, mom, come here, I want to show you something. And Daniel hits a good shot with proper form. And Mom's like, wow, very nice. And then Daniel explains in great detail, of course, how he fixed his swing. It isn't the way his mom would have done it, but it works. And that's a huge insight because that's often the real issue, isn't it? Your way is not the only right way to do things, and you've got to own that. And then mom gets to say this. I'm really proud of you for being persistent and working so hard to problem solve and come up with your own solution. Daniel, isn't that such a great thing to say? Instead of, why do you always have to be so difficult? Why can't you just listen to what I say? She's like, you know what? I like the fact that you're willing to do this on your own, even if it takes a little longer. And then mom says, okay, you want to play nine. And child, of course, says, ready to lose Mom? Because that's what our kids are like. So this situation. Can I tell you one thing? Because it's kind of fun and it just. I want to give you insight because our son is older now. So yesterday I was hiking, and it's starting to get where it's a lot of snow here. So the days of easy hikes and such, even long hikes, are out of reach. And so it was about to rain yesterday, and I went for the hike up our local mountain. It's 2,000ft up to about 10,000ft. And it was raining. It was 30 to 40 mile per hour winds as I got about halfway up. So I was hiding behind some trees and. And Casey's texting, and he's like. He said, dad, you're an idiot and I love you and no lightning, so you're okay. That's how we communicate sometimes. And I had to laugh when he's like, dad, you're an idiot. And I was like, I know, but guess what? I got my hike in and I survived. So that's the way. Just work with your child's nature. And when you can embrace that, it's awesome. So think about this. This situation didn't change because the child changed. It changed because the parent changed and understood what was really going on. And that's great news, because you can't always control what other human beings do, but you can Control yourself. Your success as a parent, your enjoyment as a human on this planet will largely rest on your answer to these questions. Do you and your spouse understand your kids inside now? Or do they leave you feeling confused and frustrated? Become a student of your kids brains and how they work. Become a detective that you will eventually have to accept your kids and their differences on a deep level and learn to enjoy them as they are now. Here's an idea for you. This is prompted by a really great couple from the Netherlands. They were at a parent I did this parenting summit by Zoom and I like doing those. So if you're interested, reach out to Casey. This is kind of bold, but I love it. They said, we have two strong willed kids and we've been doing the exact opposite of what we should have been doing all these years because that's how we were raised. We told our boys we want you to listen to these programs first. And they gave them the strong willed child, the ADHD University and the Straight Talk for Kids ones and then come and tell us what we are doing wrong. And the parents said they love that because they're like a little attorneys. And he said, come tell us what we're doing wrong and tell us three things we can begin doing differently in the home and we'll do it right within your boundaries. And the parents said it's interesting that they didn't point out the obvious things we've done wrong like yelling and lecturing or that we're too strict, not the normal kid complaints. What hurt our kids most is that it has felt like we didn't believe in them or believe they were capable of being more responsible. Oddly enough, what these parents said was what they asked for was not stuff, but more freedom to be responsible for themselves and make mistakes without being lectured or judged. And he said it has been very, very eye opening. And they said tell Casey to love his code word idea that's in the kids program. But they want to use a Dutch slang word that I can't repeat. So try that with your kids and see what they say. I love this approach of being vulnerable with your kids. You're not turning over control of your home to your kids. You're giving them some ownership. You're being honest. You're teaching them from a very early age, hey, I want you to be responsible for yourself. And, and by the way, we're going to own our stuff. What should we change? Again, it's always within your boundaries. Here's the other question. Can you control your own anxiety or does it cause you to lecture, project into the future, have power struggles and put pressure on your kids. So begin saying this. Instead, say, you know what? I believe you're capable of handling this yourself. And like this mom. This mom, what I loved is, is she goes over and starts working on her game and gives her son some space. You're available to help, but you're giving your kids space to own it themselves. Do you have control issues? Of course you do, just like I do. So identify your triggers and work on them one by one. Recognize and respect your child's desire for independence to figure out things on their own. These are great qualities to have in the real world. So embrace this. We don't do blame or guilt or judgment. I just want you to work on your own issues. If you have our programs, go through the 30 days to calm program first. It is really helpful. Okay, you have your homework this week. Control your anxiety. Step back. Give your kids space to step up. Affirm them when they do. I hope that you have an opportunity to do this within the next couple days while it's fresh. If we can help you at all, reach out to Casey C A S E Y at celebratecalm. Com and we will help you because I respect you so much for doing this hard work. Your kids are going to be okay. They're going to be great. You just need to work on yourself a little bit and you will lead your kids this. Okay. Love and respect you all. Bye. Bye.