Calm Parenting Podcast with Kirk Martin

Episode #529: When Kids Reject Your Help & Refuse To Listen to You

Date: October 22, 2025
Host: Kirk Martin

Overview:

This episode delves into the frequent parental frustration of kids—especially strong-willed ones—rejecting help or guidance even when they're struggling with something they care about. Kirk Martin draws from years of real-life work with challenging kids, offering practical scripts and strategies for parents to disengage from power struggles, build trust, and foster true independence in their children.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Understanding the Problem: Kids Resisting Help

• Many children, particularly strong-willed ones, push back against parental advice, even when it's given lovingly and with their best interests at heart.

• Kirk sets up a classic scenario of a mom trying to help her son with golf, leading to escalating resentment and power struggles rather than growth or connection.

  "I'm just trying to help moms and dads. I get it. You love these kids. You bent over backwards to help them. But I knew there was something else going on because I'm kind of very much like our kids."
  — Kirk Martin [04:12]

2. What’s Driving These Conflicts? Two Main Culprits

A. Parental Anxiety

• Parents' anxiety about their child’s success or happiness leads to micromanagement, lectures, and emotional overreactions.

• Anxiety causes parents to become responsible for their children, rather than teaching children to be responsible for themselves.

  "You are not responsible for your child's happiness. You're not responsible for their success. It's when we cross those boundaries and we jump in, we're trying so hard and we're pressuring too much that they resist us."
  — Kirk Martin [09:55]

B. Misunderstanding Motivation

• Parents often misinterpret defiance, laziness, or lack of discipline, missing that the child may just want autonomy, have internal fears, or need a sense of purpose.

• Strong-willed kids want to figure things out on their own.

  “My response, be thankful you have a child who wants to problem solve, who isn’t just a follower, who can think independently.”
  — Kirk Martin [23:50]

3. Case Studies and Illustrative Stories

A. The Golf Example [02:35–06:40]

• Mom's well-intended coaching turns into argument:
  • She points out the physical problem (hips/shoulders misaligned).
  • Her son wants space to work it out.
  • Emotional spiral: lectures, gratitude demands, threats, and resentment.
• Kirk illustrates how micromanaging sabotages the relationship and causes withdrawal.

B. Emma at the Horse Barn [12:10–17:00]

• Emma is responsible and hardworking at the barn but not at home.

• The key difference: At the barn, she works for something she cares about and isn’t micromanaged.

• When Emma gets frustrated (with boots), mom normally would try to coach her through her struggles, but Kirk recommends stepping out instead—giving Emma space to handle it.

  “How many of you have situations when you’re just struggling and someone comes like, oh, do you need some help and it just sounds so condescending?”
  — Kirk Martin [17:13]

C. Parent Change vs. Child Change [37:00–42:00]

• Real shift occurs when parents, not kids, change their approach:

  • Parent walks away, minding their own business, gives child space to explore.
  • The child invites parent back when ready.
  • Parent affirms effort and independence rather than demanding compliance.

  “This situation didn’t change because the child changed. It changed because the parent changed and understood what was really going on. And that’s great news, because you can’t always control what other human beings do, but you can control yourself.”
  — Kirk Martin [42:09]

4. Actionable Strategies and Scripts

• Step Back: When you step back from micromanagement, you create space for your child to step up and take ownership.

• Control Your Reactions: Recognize when your anxiety is driving you to lecture, nag, or rescue.

• Affirm, Don’t Judge: Replace criticism and lectures with affirmation of your child's persistence, problem-solving, and initiative.

• Give Ownership: Offer support, but make it clear you believe they are capable of handling it.

  “Say, you know what? I believe you're capable of handling this yourself.”
  — Kirk Martin [49:40]

Script Comparison Example [29:00–35:00]

• Old Way:
  • Parent hovers, repeats corrections, lectures on gratitude.
  • Power struggle ensues.
• New Way:
  • Parent states observation (“Your hips and shoulders aren’t parallel”), then leaves space.
  • “I’m going to go practice my short game while you work on that. Call me if you need me.”
  • This fosters ownership; child later invites parent in, feeling proud.

5. Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Kids’ Independence:

  “Be thankful you have a child who wants to problem solve, who isn’t just a follower.”
  — Kirk Martin [23:55]

• On Family Dynamics:

  “The day would begin with this nice outing. But by the end, we were driving home in silence, fuming, separated emotionally, right from our kids.”
  — Kirk Martin [08:55]

• On Parental Triggers:

  “Why did I need him to have a good attitude? See, that’s my issue. That’s your issue. We’re the adults.”
  — Kirk Martin [15:35]

• Teens and Humor:

  “Casey’s texting, and he’s like. He said, dad, you’re an idiot and I love you and no lightning, so you’re okay. That’s how we communicate sometimes.”
  — Kirk Martin [44:40]

• Parenting Homework:

  “Control your anxiety. Step back. Give your kids space to step up. Affirm them when they do.”
  — Kirk Martin [53:50]

6. Parent Participation: Learning from Real Families

• Kirk shares a story from Dutch parents who asked their strong-willed kids to listen to parenting programs and suggest what they (the parents) should change.
• The children wanted less judgment and more freedom to be responsible for themselves—and parents found this eye-opening.
• Emphasizes being vulnerable and truthful with kids, within healthy boundaries. [47:00–49:30]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Addressing Parental Anxiety: [09:55]
• Emma & The Horse Barn: [12:10–17:00]
• Defiant or Independent: [23:50]
• Scripts & Applying New Strategies: [29:00–35:00]
• Parent vs. Child Change: [37:00–42:00]
• Dutch Family Story: [47:00–49:30]
• Parenting Homework & Affirmation: [53:50]

Final Takeaways

• Step back so your child has room to step up.
• Control your anxiety—don’t lecture or micromanage.
• Affirm effort, independence, and critical thinking.
• Strong-willed kids are not broken; they are thinkers, problem-solvers, and future leaders if you learn to work with, not against, their nature.
• Become a student of your child’s brain, not a judge.
• Give your kids more ownership whenever possible.
• Change starts with you, not your child.

“Your kids are going to be okay. They're going to be great. You just need to work on yourself a little bit and you will lead your kids.”
— Kirk Martin [54:15]

For more strategies or to contact Kirk and his team, visit CelebrateCalm.com or email Casey@celebratecalm.com.