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- [00:01]
Kirk Martin
Hey moms and dads, don't you just.
- [00:03]
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- [01:21]
Kirk Martin
So little Chloe wants to tie her own karate belt in the morning before practice, but she doesn't really know how to do it. And and if you try to help her, you're going to feel some venom. But if you don't help her, you'll be late or she'll get even more frustrated. So what do you do when you have a strong willed child who wants to do things their own way? That is what we are going to discuss on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin. You can find us@celebratecalm.com if you need help, reach out to our very strong willed son Casey C A s e y celebratecalm.com Tell us about your family ages of kids. What do you struggle with? We get there together as a family, we talk about it. We will reply back to you personally and usually very quickly because that's our mission to help you. Because this is really hard stuff because you know why? Because you have this child too. You have a Chloe, right? And they're very determined. They want to do things. Your strong will child wants to do things their own way and they believe that their way is the best. And in that way your kids are actually mirroring you right? And right you're marrying them. Our kids mirror. They're parents who want to do things their way and believe that their way is the best because we have control issues and all kinds of other issues as parents. So I'm going to give you a very helpful and cool way to handle your strong willed Chloe. I'm going to give you a script to use that I love because these situations are going to happen a thousand times throughout their childhood. And so you kind of have to get this right or you're going to have constant power struggles. So a few thoughts. Number one, this is kind of blunt talk. I believe that parents create more power struggles than your kids do. I believe you create those power struggles. No blame, no guilt. Why? It's just because we have control issues. We want things done a certain way because you're the authority figure and your way goes because you know the most effective, efficient way to get it done is to do it X way because you don't have time for Chloe to figure it out on her own. And I get all of that. But there's a much better way than you just fixing it, which usually makes everything worse. We also create power struggles because we have anxiety about our child's future. And if they can't figure out basic things or they can't control themselves, how are they ever going to control themselves in the future? And who's going to marry them and who's going to hire them? I get all of that. And what if your child chooses the school of hard knocks? What if they don't listen to other adults? Learn to control your own anxiety. Your kids are going to change. You're looking at a 7 year old or a 14 year old and thinking that's how they're going to be. Like when they're 24 or 34, they grow up, they change. But that's for another podcast and that's your issue. So work through, if you have it, work through the 30 days to calm program because we go through controlling your own control issues. Man, it is so liberating in life when you can control yourself, your own emotions, your own anxiety. Get control of yourself first or you're going to escalate. 993 out of the next thousand situations like this and that's by the time your child is seven. Number two, if you have a strong willed child, you must, must, must understand the concept of ownership. Listen, I do not give kids control of my home or my classroom, but I do give them what we would call ownership of their choices within my boundaries. I just make my boundaries larger to provide more options for the strong willed child who naturally is going to resist. I don't clamp down. You're going to have family and friends who are trying to be very helpful. That is judgmental. And they're going to tell you, you better clamp down on that child. And, and you've done that before. You clamp down and it creates a lot more anxiety. We're also not saying this is not permissive parenting. Well, just do whatever you want because I don't want you to be upset. I'm not saying that I'm giving you ownership of your choices, but within my boundaries, I'm just not being so rigid. And what I'm basically saying is this, hey, here's my goal, here are my expectations. This is what I want, what I expect, here are my boundaries. How you accomplish this goal, how you meet my expectations, that is up to you. I don't care how you get it done. I relinquish control over how it gets done, not if it gets done. Does that make sense? Because your kids are always going to want to do it in a different way, in a weird way, in a creative way, in a, in a non efficient way at times. And it's so the language is. It's not like if you want to do your homework, oh no, homework's getting done. Oh no, it's not. If you get up in the morning, no, you're going to get up in the morning, you're going to do your homework. Those are given. It's going to get done. I just don't care how you do it. If you want to do your homework lying off the sofa upside down. If you want to do it in a treehouse underneath the kitchen table while listening to Kid Rock, I don't care. Right. Morning routine. You don't have to do it on my OCD timeline. As long as you are in the car or on the bus at 7:22am I don't care how you do it. In fact, if you're smart enough to wear the clothes to bed that you're going to wear to school the next day, fine. Sleep until 7:19. Roll out of bed, grab that pop Tart that you hid under your bed because I know you hoard food up there. Run to the school, run to the bus stop and bare feet, I don't care. Put your shoes on during the bus ride, I don't care. Just be on the bus by 7:22. Now the hard part is I do care how they get up in the bedroom in the morning, but that's usually my issue. We pick so many fights with our kids because we simply don't like the way they do things. And I'm encouraging you to step back from that. Give your kids some ownership. And this is a really important principle. If you listen to any of our programs, you're going to hear this again and again. When we as parents step back, it gives our kids space to step up and be responsible for themselves. When we step back from lecturing, which is really micromanaging, and nobody likes to be micromanaged, it gives your kids to step up and try things themselves. See, our goal is to raise kids who are responsible for themselves, but inadvertently we try to control everything about them and we rob them of that ability to learn how to be responsible. So you really, really want this in the long term. It's the sign of an independent kid who can figure things out on their own and who will actually leave your home before they're 27. So we want this.
- [08:11]
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- [09:06]
Kirk Martin
When you sign up, you'll get a.
- [09:08]
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- [09:23]
Kirk Martin
Your gut so we just moved into.
- [09:27]
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- [10:39]
Kirk Martin
Okay, one more example of ownership. So we were doing this live training at Fort Benning in Georgia, and I was essentially training drill sergeants how to come home after yelling at young recruits and not yell at their own kids. So this great mom comes to an evening workshop and here's me explaining this. And the next morning she came back out because we had a morning event when we're on the road. By the way, if you want us to come to your school of church organization, whatever PTA event, just reach out to Casey and we're going to do it. We know we've got a few trips coming up, so we usually do like an evening event and then a morning event. So we get both parents out. So when my daughter, here's what the mom said. When my daughter woke up this morning, she was in a foul mood. I don't know what I want to wear. I don't know what I want to eat. I don't know where my backpack is. And mom said she was tempted to jump in and fix it because that's what we do as parents. We fix stuff, we fix moods, we make things better. But instead, this mom stepped back and told her daughter in an even matter of fact tone, really important moms and dads, honey, I believe you're capable of handling this. And then she gave her daughter some space, walked away and started drinking. I'm kidding. I don't want you to drink. But you're going to feel like it sometimes because you're still accustomed to jumping in and say, oh, honey, here, here's what you should eat. I put your backpack over there. Let me fix this for you. Step back. And she told her, I believe you're capable of handling this. Great phrase, by the way. And then gave her daughter some space to deal with all of her emotions without having to stand over, young lady, you need to get control of yourself right now. Like that's ever going to work doesn't work when people tell you that, so don't do it to your kids. So the daughter stomps up the stairs, and that's irritating to you, isn't it? And she starts opening and closing, that is slamming her dresser drawers, throwing her clothes on the floor. And mom resisted stomping upstairs herself. Good job, Mom. Mom resisted lecturing her daughter about how she should have laid out her clothes the night before. And I bought you so many clothes and you don't even wear. And you're going to have to clean this mess up when you get home later. Stop with all the mom and dad lectures. They don't work. She gave her daughter space. Guess what happened when mom was downstairs minding her own business, getting along with her own Morning. Seven minutes later, daughter walks downstairs and says, bye, Mom. Have a good day, as if nothing happened. Because that's what strong will kids do. And it's going to drive you crazy. But it's very, very normal. And here's what mom said. If I hadn't heard you the night before, this would have turned into World War Three and we both would have lost. But I stepped back. And although I don't love the way she stepped up, she did figure it out on her own. And I think this built her confidence. When I said, I believe you're capable, look, it's one of my favorite phrases to use with our kids because this mom gave her daughter space, ownership and confidence. Look, in addition to learning how to control my own emotions, my own control issues, this ownership idea is what changed things very, very quickly with Casey. When I finally let go of my way, my rigidity, and said, I'm going to give you ownership. I'm going to step back so you can step up. And then I'm going to bite my tongue when you don't do it the right way. My way. Man, that really changed some things in our home. If you have the calm parenting package, you get everything. Listen to the program. It's called enjoy your strong willed child without all the power struggles. It's foundational to understanding how they think. So number three, your strong willed child. You're not going to like this, but that's what the podcast is about. So the strong willed child never going to do things your way. They're not. I'll bet you $100,000 they are not going to do things your way. And that is healthy and it is good. It's just for hard for you as a parent and it's a pain. But in the end, this is what you want independent thinkers who can make their own decisions. It's hard now, but I promise you, you will love this quality when your kids kill it in the real world. Okay, Number four. Okay, so come along with me. We're at this person people's house. It might be your house on a busy morning at the house of parents just like you and their little daughter. Chloe is convinced that she can actually tie the karate uniform. And when these parents were reaching out to me, because I do a lot of. When I do phone consultations and mentoring, I sometimes give people my phone number so they can actually text me in the moment while it's happening. And I actually, you know, when I'm available. I like that. Because now we can problem solve, like in the actual heat of the battle, in the moment, while it's happening. It's really pretty cool. So. And even if you don't do that, this kind, it was kind of fun to interact with this family and show them a different way because these scenes are going to play out daily with your kids. So like your kids, little Chloe is a stove toucher. She, she wants to figure it out herself. You as the parent will naturally want to teach or show her how to do it because why do you want to do that? One, it's the kind thing to do for your child because you love them. One, it's also, it's more efficient and you have control issues and it's irritating to watch someone struggle when it would be so much easier just to do it for her. But remember, you're not dealing with rational human beings. Very little of what we do is rational. I fumble with things in my hands all the time and it can take a while for me to unwrap something. Casey and I were in the car the other day and he's like, dad, you need some help with that? And I was like, no, I'm perfectly fine fumbling with it. It's your own control issue that you need to be concerned with. So look, I'm a grown man. I like figuring out things my own way. My CPA is always like, Kirk. It would be much more efficient if you just use QuickBooks. And every year I say, george, I know that, but I don't like QuickBooks. I like my Excel spreadsheets. I have it all figured out because they're mine. So it's very normal. So when you jump into help Chloe or help your child, that usually provokes a seemingly needless fight or power struggle. Then you're going to have some defiance and often tears over Something very little. And I get that. It's like, honey, let me show you, let me show you how to tie this belt. It's like, I don't want you to do that. Right? So these things happen again and again. And here's what Chloe is thinking, your child is thinking in that moment, I believe that I can figure this out. And when you jump in and try to fix it, you're basically telling me that I can't do it. And you're depriving me of the opportunity to trust myself and you're depriving me the opportunity to try and fail and learn from it. But I know I can do it, or at least I want to try. See, we should be encouraging this more. Now this also means this. When I inevitably, as a strong willed child can't figure it out, I'm going to take that personally. And my reaction to my seeming failure is going to be more intense and perhaps explosive. Right? Because this is just a little belt she's trying to tie. It should be pretty easy. But if she can't do it, she's going to explode. And inside you're going to be like, why are you getting upset? It's just a stupid little thing. But it's personal to them. They see it as, you know, there's a part of it which is imperfection, but it's part of it is embarrassment. I should be able to do this and I couldn't do it and you were watching. So there's a little bit of failure and shame. That's all normal. So expect it and don't try to fix it. And I'm going to repeat that. Expect some of these things. We get so busy as parents in our lives, like we expect them to just do this and do that because I know better. You should just do expect these things. Change your expectations of yourself and your kids and your family life. You're supposed to have these blow ups, especially with a strong willed child and don't try to fix it all the time. Look, when this little girl is getting upset, it's a sign of a conscientious kid who wants to do it right, but she's frustrated. See, I want conscientious people. Don't be surprised when your child melts down over something like this. It's going to happen and you don't have to fix it. You don't have to tell her that it's okay. Just let the process unfold. It's part of the learning process for your child. And also don't give in to Judgment from others about how she is reacting. Because you're going to have a spouse, some parents, friends who are like, oh, you need to get a hold of that. I don't know why she gets so upset. You're just going to have to deal with that and don't give in to their judgment. You know what's best for your child. You do what's best for your child and don't listen to all those naysayers is very, very normal. Just because other people have boring, compliant kids who do everything right the first time or who won't even try new things doesn't mean that's the right way. So in this case, here is what I would do and say. And I think you'll find this helpful. So picture the scene again. Your daughter, son is trying to do something. In this case, she's trying to tie her belt, but she's really, really fumbling around for it. You resist the urge to go in and say, oh honey, let me show you how to do this. That is infuriating to a kid. It just is. So I know it's out of a good motive, but it just is. So instead I resist that urge to fix it to make it all better. And I say, chloe, you know what I love about you? I love that you want to figure out how things work. What a great quality. And then you start to walk away and you casually say, hey, if you want some help with that, just let me know. And then you trail off and you leave the room. You give her space to wrestle with it. And if she does ask for help or if she gives you that pleading look, because to ask, maybe admitting defeat, do it quietly without any lectures, without any instructions. So if she's looking at you like she wants help, you walk in and just do it quietly. And then you move on. That's how you do it with these kids. Very little talking, very little instruction in that way. And space. Slow life down to allow for these moments without everything being over scheduled. Because if you're over scheduled, you're going to miss these moments and it's going to take longer. When you escalate things, know that raising a strong willed child requires a lot of time. You can't force them into your type A world and expect them just to adapt. I'm a type A guy, I get it. But this is the child that you have been given and that you've been entrusted with. You're not going to change their very nature and you shouldn't want to and you don't have to give into them. And I definitely don't want you buying them a lot of things that creates entitlement. But allowing them time and space to tinker with things and figure out things, see, that encourages self reliance and creativity. That creates resilience. We want all those things. So deal with your own control issues or you'll make these incidents infinitely worse. So homework this week, learn how to give your kids ownership. It is so incredibly freeing and liberating because you don't have to control everything. You don't give them control of your home. You give them ownership over choices within your boundaries so they learn how to step up. This week let's step back, give them some space. Look, no blame, no guilt in all of this. Also, no excuses. If you've got the programs, listen to the strong willed child one and the 30 days to calm it will free you. It is so so. It's so nice to finally enjoy your strong will child. And I believe that you can and you will once you deal with your own triggers and control issues. It is a beautiful thing. So if we can help you, please let us know. Please share the podcast with other parents. We appreciate that very much. I love you all very much and we'll talk to you soon. Bye.