Calm Parenting Podcast Episode #562

“When YOU Feel Out of Control As A Parent...”

Hosted by Kirk Martin | February 11, 2026

Episode Overview

In this episode, Kirk Martin dives into the emotional turmoil parents often face, especially when dealing with strong-willed children or teens who don’t respond to traditional discipline. The focus is on breaking free from generational patterns of over-talking, lecturing, and striving for control—instead, Kirk provides practical and compassionate strategies for responding calmly, building trust, and nurturing a respectful relationship with your kids. The episode is filled with stories, actionable advice, and direct interaction with parent questions from social media.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Burden of Parental Control & the Urge to Lecture

Timestamp: 02:34 – 06:45

• Kirk addresses the parental instinct to lecture or over-explain, which often stems from anxiety about letting misbehavior go unchecked.
• He emphasizes that kids, especially teens, generally don’t want lengthy explanations after mistakes, drawing a parallel with how adults prefer succinct, supportive feedback in the workplace:

  "Do you really want your boss to take you through a thorough explanation...or just say, 'Hey, that wasn't your best work, but I know you're capable of crushing it on the next project?'" (Kirk, 04:02)

Takeaway:
Keep discipline short, positive, and focused on actionable solutions for next time. Kids learn more from brief, respectful interactions than from drawn-out lectures.

2. Understanding Kids’ Emotional States and Respecting Their Need for Space

Timestamp: 03:54 – 05:00

• Kirk shares a direct quote from a child:

  “My brain hurts and I’m completely overwhelmed, so please stop talking to me.” (Kirk, 03:58)

• He warns against taking a child's silence or reluctance to talk as disrespect and underscores the importance of respecting their boundaries, especially after school or during emotionally charged moments.

Takeaway:
Give kids space when needed; respect their capacity and emotional bandwidth to prevent relationship strain.

3. The Problem with Processing Your Own Stress Through Your Kids

Timestamp: 06:47 – 09:57

• Many parents talk as a way to process their own stress—but this doesn’t serve the child.
• Practical tip: Step away, process your feelings with another adult, or physically remove yourself from the situation (“Go for a walk, talk to your spouse... walk your dog... I go and talk to the horses.” (Kirk, 08:00)) before responding to your child.

Notable Quote:

"If I don't respond right away and I go for a hike, a walk, and I hash it out inside myself first, 99.9% of the time, it just works out better." (Kirk, 08:45)

4. Shifting from Interrogation to Curiosity

Timestamp: 09:58 – 11:19

• Instead of grilling kids with “What were you thinking?” or “How many times have I told you…?” Kirk suggests a mindset of curiosity:
• Example:

  “I’m curious, you just made a decision that you know was wrong and is going to have negative consequences… so I’m curious, why would you do something that hurts you?” (Kirk, 10:15)

Takeaway:
Curiosity opens dialogue and fosters problem-solving, while interrogation puts kids on the defensive and damages trust.

5. Avoid Checklist Parenting and Over-Responsibility

Timestamp: 11:20 – 12:55

• Many parents feel obligated to “do their part” by lecturing:

  “It’s almost like, isn’t it, sometimes like marking off a checklist? ...I lectured him or her, and so my job is done.” (Kirk, 11:25)

• But, Kirk asserts, these interactions should focus on genuinely helping the child learn and grow, not just parental box-ticking.

Takeaway:
Move beyond “checklist” discipline—focus on actual growth and connection.

6. Regaining Your Own Sense of Control—Constructively

Timestamp: 13:00 – 14:12

• A major driver of over-lecturing is parents’ own feeling of lost control.
• Kirk’s advice: Channel this urge into something productive—clean, organize, or do a physical task:

  “When you're lecturing, it's partly because it feels out of your control. ...Go organize something in your home. I do that because it gives me a sense of order inside.” (Kirk, 13:45)

7. Keeping Discipline Short, Sweet, and Actionable

Timestamp: 14:13 – 16:15

• Reiterate the importance of brief and direct responses to behavior:

  “Hey, that kind of response isn't going to work in my home. Why don't you come back into the room and try that again?” (Kirk, 15:11)

• Mantra: “The more words you use, the less valuable they become.”
• Deliver on consequences calmly and consistently, without emotional drama.

8. Stop Trying to Convince or Out-Logic Your Kids

Timestamp: 16:20 – 17:45

• Over-explaining and trying to “make them understand” is often perceived by kids as a lack of trust and pushes them away.
• Kirk is blunt:

  “Kids are not looking to be convinced. Stop trying to convince your kids that you’re right. ...They're never going to be like, 'Oh, you have so much wisdom. ...Your logic is infallible, Mom and Dad.' It's not going to happen.” (Kirk, 16:53)

9. The Power & Necessity of Silence

Timestamp: 17:46 – 18:55

• Parents often feel compelled to “break the silence,” which is more about their own discomfort.

  “That’s your own insecurity and your own discomfort and that’s making it about you. ...If your teen ...wants to sit in silence, then honor and respect that.” (Kirk, 18:10)

10. Responding to Disrespect—Timing is Everything

Timestamp: 17:52 – 21:20

• When kids are disrespectful, don’t immediately react or escalate.
• Kids often already know they’ve crossed a line—reacting in the moment only gives them more power or escalates the situation.
• Instead, wait, allow the moment to pass, and revisit calmly:

  “When you react, then they are in charge of you because they got you to react. ...There is no need to react. ...Use wisdom to know when your talk is going to have the maximum benefit, but it's not in the moment." (Kirk, 20:15)

Tangible Example:

• After things cool down:

  “Hey, I know that you know that was wrong what you just did. ...What do you think your next step should be?” (Kirk, 21:05)

11. Breaking the Cycle of Needing to Be Heard—Healing from Childhood Patterns

Timestamp: 21:21 – 23:47

• Many parents over-explain or get triggered when not listened to because they themselves were dismissed as children.
• Kirk endorses self-reflection and acknowledges the pain, but encourages assertiveness over neediness:

  "I have specific, certain needs...in order to demonstrate self respect, I make my needs a priority. That is not selfish at all." (Kirk, 22:45)

• He warns against the martyr parent—doing everything for everyone else leads to resentment and greater emotional volatility at home.

12. Practical Tips for Overwhelmed Parents

Timestamp: 23:48 – 27:49

• Simplify life and set clear priorities—say “no” to activities and requests that don’t align.
• Practice short, specific, and assertive communication with your partner and kids.
• Example:

  “Honey, this is exactly what I need right now… I need seven and a half minutes of alone time.” (Kirk, 26:15)

• Ask kids to help in meaningful ways—beyond chores—to build respect and collaboration.

13. Breaking Generational Patterns and Creating New Family Dynamics

Timestamp: 27:50 – 30:00

• Kirk reassures parents they can break old patterns of control and emotional reactivity:

  “You get to break the generational patterns. ...You get to model how to live. ...You get to encourage them when they fail and encourage them when they make progress.” (Kirk, 28:45)

• Your job isn’t to control kids, fix everything, or force agreement—but to guide, teach, model, and empower.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Otherwise, you’re just being annoying.” (Kirk, 04:49)
• “Sit down and color and ask questions.” (Kirk, 13:12)
• “Practice stopping. Practice stopping. You’re talking so much. Practice just holding your tongue. Practice stepping back so your kids can step up.” (Kirk, 26:47)
• “You get to break the generational patterns. You get to create a new family tree.” (Kirk, 28:10)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 02:34 – Episode theme: Letting go of control & breaking generational patterns
• 04:02 – Why lecturing doesn’t work for teens (boss analogy)
• 08:00 – How to process emotions before responding to your child
• 10:15 – The curiosity approach to discipline
• 14:13 – Short, actionable discipline statements
• 16:53 – Stop trying to convince your kids you’re right
• 18:10 – The value of silence with teens
• 20:15 – Why you shouldn’t react to disrespect in the moment
• 22:45 – Asserting your needs without feeling selfish
• 23:48 – Self-care and asking for support as a parent
• 27:50 – Breaking generational cycles and modeling healthy relationships

Final Thoughts

Kirk delivers a candid, compassionate message: The best parenting doesn’t come from controlling or lecturing, but from modeling self-respect, offering respectful boundaries, and giving both yourself and your kids space to grow. You have the power to change family patterns—and that starts with calm, intentional, and assertive action.

For more support, programs, or questions, visit CelebrateCalm.com.