Calm Parenting Podcast #551

Host: Kirk Martin
Episode: Which Consequences Work for Lying, Disrespect & Defiance?
Date: January 7, 2026

Episode Overview

In this episode, Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, dives deep into the often frustrating experiences parents face with strong-willed children—especially around lying, disrespect, and defiance. Drawing on stories from his own family and years of working with kids labeled "challenging," Kirk explores which consequences work (and which don’t), how to address defiant behavior without resorting to drama, and why relationship and connection ultimately change behavior more than any consequence ever could. Throughout, Kirk maintains his signature blend of humor, honesty, and practical advice.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Responding to “I Hate You,” Disrespectful Tones, and Defiance

• Recognize Emotional Outbursts as Developmental, Not Personal
  • Kids, especially strong-willed or impulsive ones, will express disappointment or anger in ways that sting, e.g., “I hate you Mommy,” or eye-rolling teenagers.
  • “Don’t bite on that stuff. We’re grown adults. Just know that this stuff is going to happen. There is no need for a big reaction.” [09:49]
• Don’t Swing to Extremes
  • Avoid excusing all poor behavior, but also avoid shutting down a child or demanding immediate apologies—both are unhelpful.
  • “You’re never going to talk to me like that, young man”—they’re just going to look at you and say, ‘Just did.’” [05:29]

2. Story: Handling Lying and Defiant Behavior Calmly ([06:16]-[19:28])

• Case Study: Niece “Jordan” and the Christmas Cookies

  • Jordan, who had difficulties from early childhood, is impulsive and tries to control her environment.
  • When she’s upset her cookies disappeared, she tells Kirk, “Uncle Kirk, I don’t like you.” Kirk refrains from punishing or demanding apologies on the spot.
  • Later, Jordan proactively lies to bake more cookies. Kirk notes that her drive to control outcomes is rooted in insecurity, not lack of integrity.
  • Quote: “She lied right to my face... Why would she ask her grandmother? Because if you ask your grandma, Grandma could have said no. And so by shortcutting this whole situation, she guaranteed the outcome, which is she wanted to bake the cookies.” [13:15]

• Teaching Through Relationship, Not Lectures

  • Baking side-by-side, Kirk provides a calming, non-confrontational setting—and Jordan apologizes on her own without prompting.
  • Quote: “There was no need for that, because you know what I got? ‘Hey, Uncle Kirk, I’m sorry about what I said earlier.’” [17:36]

• Underlying Needs Over Consequences

  • Many behaviors (messiness, control, lying) stem from unmet sensory needs or emotional needs for stability.
  • Providing constructive, tactile outlets (like baking or physical play) is as important as any consequence.

3. The Power of Calm Consequences and Boundaries ([24:15]-[33:59])

• Redefining How Consequences Work

  • Consequences should be about clear boundaries—not about “proving a point” or venting frustration.
  • “Just because you don’t yell at your kids and go off on them doesn’t mean you’re letting them get away with things.” [27:51]

• Practical Response Example: Disrespect (“wow” instead of “whatever”)

  • Kirk’s son responds disrespectfully. Kirk provides a calm, firm boundary: “You can be disrespectful. Just know that I have 40 years of experience… You will not get anything from me until that attitude goes away.”
  • Quote: “My response is going to be, ‘wow,’ right? …You can be proud of that because I know you’d probably been practicing… but just know it’s not going to work here…” [26:12]

4. Dealing with Teenage Defiance and Eye-Rolling ([34:00]-[39:20])

• Don’t Let Kids Manipulate for Negative Attention

  • Reacting dramatically to small acts of disrespect (like eye rolls) creates more drama and meets kids' need for stimulation/intensity in negative ways.
  • “One daughter, by moving a few eye muscles, just got two grown adults to react to her. So she’s getting that need for brain stimulation in negative ways.” [35:15]

• Modeling Self-Respect Instead of Demanding Respect

  • Teach self-respect by example: “I don’t need you to respect me—I have self-respect, and that’s very important.”
  • “If you have to demand respect... you don’t have it. What it says is, I need you to behave and respect me so I feel respected. No way.” [36:08]

• Natural Consequences Tied to Privileges

  • Calmly let kids know: if they’re disrespectful, they shouldn’t expect you to go out of your way for them (e.g., drive them to activities or buy things).
  • Use short phrases: “Not going to work in this home... Not how I roll.” [37:50]

• Open the Door for Connection

  • Offer an invite to talk or connect later when you've both calmed down; modeling that relationship is the priority.
  • “If you want to come and have a snack with me… I’d love to listen and help you out with that.” [39:12]

5. Consequences for High-Risk Behavior (Teens, Safety Issues) ([41:55]-[44:38])

• Clear Boundaries, Safety First

  • For dangerous situations (e.g., substance use), consequences are essential (e.g., no car, license taken away).
  • Quote: “Absolutely no use of the car, like the car is done, driver’s license taken away. That’s a fair consequence. That’s the right consequence… But here’s the difference: I don’t think that taking away the car is going to get your child to stop doing whatever they’re doing because it doesn’t meet the root need.” [42:15]

• Get to the Emotional Root

  • Always work to understand the emotional drivers behind risk-taking: anxiety, stress, depression, social struggles, etc.
  • “The real work that needs to be done is to figure out, hey, why have you started… what’s going on? I want to help you with that.” [43:32]

6. Overarching Principles ([46:10]-[49:55])

• No Drama, Short and Calm
  • Drama and lengthy lectures rarely produce positive results; keep your tone matter-of-fact and your boundaries clear.
  • Find neutral, side-by-side moments to connect (walks, snacks, nighttime drives).
• Relationship is Everything
  • The most lasting behavior change comes from a strong parent-child relationship—not from escalating consequences.
  • Quote: “Relationship and connection changes behavior more than anything else.” [48:16]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On ignoring manipulative outbursts:
  “Do they really hate you? No. Should they say that? No. But they’re little kids who didn’t get their way... They want to get a reaction out of you. Don’t bite on that stuff.” [09:49]

• On inventive displays of disrespect:
  “All other kids roll their eyes and say ‘whatever,’ but you came up with ‘wow.’ I like your ingenuity and your individuality. But just know it’s never going to work here.” [26:32]

• On modeling self-respect:
  “I don’t need you to respect me. I have self-respect, and that’s very important. Because if you have to demand respect from another person—oh, you don’t have it.” [36:08]

• On the limits of consequences:
  “I do consequences. I’m just not under the illusion that they actually change behavior all that well, because they usually don’t get to the root of the issue.” [41:25]

• On connection as corrective:
  “At the end of all this, it’s the one thing I always want you to hear: it’s about the relationship. Relationship and connection changes behavior more than anything else.” [48:16]

Important Timestamps

• Disrespectful Statements (“I hate you”): 05:00–10:00
• Case study: Niece & Cookies (Lying, Control, Repair): 11:00–18:30
• Sensory Needs and “Messiness”: 16:20–17:30
• Side-by-Side Repair and Spontaneous Apology: 17:36–18:30
• Handling “Wow!” disrespect from Kirk’s own son: 24:15–27:51
• Teenager eye-rolling/family patterns: 34:00–37:50
• Modeling Self-Respect and Natural Consequences: 36:08–37:50
• Consequences for Substance Use: 41:55–43:50
• No Drama Discipline & Relationship First: 46:10–49:55

Key Takeaways

• Remain calm and avoid drama when setting consequences; focus on the root need, not just the symptom.
• Model self-respect—don’t demand respect or let your self-worth hinge on your child’s behavior.
• Use natural consequences tied to privileges for disrespect, but always follow up with connection and curiosity.
• Prioritize building relationship and emotional connection—behavior change follows connection.
• For dangerous behaviors, enforce firm boundaries (for safety), but always dig to the emotional root.

Summary by Calm Parenting Podcast Summarizer