Transcript
Kirk Martin (0:00)
Hey moms and dads, don't you just.
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Kirk Martin (1:20)
Do you have kids who argue like attorneys? They fight with their siblings, refuse to do homework. They're always moving, tapping pencils. They strug focus and attention at times. Sometimes they're very oppositional. They get bored easily. Like they like to do things the hard way. Some of these kids chew a lot. They hum or they talk loudly and then complain about other people being loud. Right? These are often kids who are impulsive. They procrastinate. They wait till last minute. They often do work in spurts. Do you know why they do that? It's really important to understand. So that's what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at Celebrate Calm.
Casey (2:02)
I want to encourage you let your kids listen to this episode because my larger goal is to teach kids how their brains work.
Kirk Martin (2:11)
Because these are their brains they're going to have the rest of their lives.
Casey (2:13)
And when they know how to own it themselves, man, it is such a gift to them. And it's also a great way to have great conversation.
Kirk Martin (2:21)
And I want to give credit to a mom on our Instagram page I had posted a video about how to do homework in slightly weird ways and she said, could you please explain this more? Well on an Instagram video? Get 90 seconds. On a podcast, I get A little bit more time. So I want to go through this in some detail. I've not written out a script for this. I just want to go based on what I know from working with these kids for the last 25 years, from having 1500 of these kids in our home, from working with hundreds of thousands of families. There are some common elements here. And so I think what you're going to find. And look, I'm not going through the brain science. Do that yourself. I want to go through the practical elements. But for many of your kids, we've talked on a previous podcast about kids with very busy brains. So it feels like everything's out of control. So they try to control other people in situations. It's where some of the anxiety comes from. They're disorganized and forgetful. Poor planning, executive function is difficult. Sometimes they eat the same foods, wear the same clothes all the time. That's one thing that's happening in their brain. Some of your kids, they've got sensory issues. And that's why I mentioned in that video she was referring to that I noticed these kids that came into our home, they would lay on the hard part of. They take the cushions off the sofa and lie down on the hard part of the sofa. And at first I was like, what weird little kids? But then you step back and you start to observe your kids, because your kids will tell you everything they need by what they do. So I started observing. I noticed, oh, they. They like confined places. They like sensory pressure. Well, I can use that in homework, time in sleep. I can use that to calm kids down. So you're, you know, I'd encourage you become a detective. Become a detective and really not to catch your kids doing things wrong, because that's easy to do. But a detective to learn why they do certain things and watch for patterns. It's really cool. Today, what I want to focus on is your child's brain. And many of your kids don't get enough brain stimulation, whether that's from a lack of dopamine or something else, lack of blood flow in their brain. So they're always seeking stimulation. And that's when I open this up. That's a lot of those things. Fidgeting, doodling, tapping pencils, moving, constantly arguing like attorneys. All those things. That's where it comes from. So let me start going through this to help you in some practical ways. So we know in school, the kids are going to, you know, fidgeting and tapping pencils. Well, what's that. Doing it is bringing blood Flow to the brain, which actually helps them concentrate better. So one thing that you can do. I'll give you a few ideas during homework time is this movement, rhythm, really, really important. Just sitting a kid at a kitchen table and then standing over him or her and saying, if you would just focus, you would be done in 45 minutes instead of taking three hours. Not really helpful. So I'm not a big fan of always sitting and learning. It's not how the brain and the body are supposed to work. So picture this. Can your son or daughter stand at the kitchen counter? They can rock back and forth. They can also, if there aren't a lot of other kids around who are gonna be distracted, they could always tap their pencil on something. You can always. What we would do is just get the kitchen sponge and put it up there. A dry one or a little bit wet. You gotta watch, because these kids are gonna make a mess of everything. But they can tap a sponge because we've used that in a classroom. Sometimes a little tiny piece of a sponge on a desk and a child could be tapping that sponge. It doesn't make any more, but they still get the tapping motion of it. So. So they're standing at the kitchen counter rocking back and forth. Sometimes listening to music. Music can be extremely helpful because music has rhythm in it. And the rhythm. See if this makes sense. The rhythm in the music, the rhythm in the rocking back and forth. They can also be eating a snack because eating a snack is chewing things. Think what you're doing. You're chewing that. That is. There is a rhythm in that. There's also anxiety relief in chewing. Some of your kids, that's why they hum. They hum because that's usually when they're thinking there is a vibration there. There is a little bit of a rhythm, and it actually helps them concentrate. So picture. Instead of kids sitting still at the table, he's standing at the kitchen counter rocking back and forth, maybe tapping something, maybe not. He can also. Or she can also look over his or her paper. And you tend see things a little bit better. Sometimes when you're standing at a different angle, they are listening to music. Experiment with the music. When I am doing writing projects, when Casey is doing writing projects, we listen to very intense music. Doesn't always have to be classical music. Let it be music. That's. Who cares if it's irritating to you? That just means you're old. Because we all do that. Every generation hates the other generation's music. So they're listening to music, chewing. That's Sometimes very, very helpful. Some of you have kids, the sensory kids who I have kids, we taught kids how to read while swinging on a swing. 1. It's very calming, it's relaxing, and there is a rhythm to it. Some of you have kids who spin because that meets a vestibular need. Let them spin and while they're spinning, view their vocabulary words, quiz them on math facts. I guarantee you if they love to spin, they will do their homework and review stuff like that. They will do it so well while they're spinning. Some of you have kids who lie off the sofa upside down. Good. Go grab their math homework and walk inside, lay upside down next to them, if that doesn't make you sick, and say, hey, bet you can't do your math worksheet upside down. Many of your kids will love that. Use their nature. Stop fighting it. Those kids that would take the cushions off the hard part of the sofa like confined spaces. So one of the, on one of the Instagram videos, the idea was, well, put a blanket over the kitchen table. You now have a fort. Kids love forts. They can go underneath the table because now nobody can stare at them. And they're under there. They can eat the chicken nuggets and Mac and cheese that fell off the table from the night before. You give them a flashlight or matches would stimulate their brain. Don't do that one. And now they can do homework in a different way. So here's what I want you to experiment. Experiment with homework time. Know how their brains work. Because once you understand how your child's brain works, not how your brain works, you can get do this with a lot less resistance. And you know, the bigger thing is it's not just about stopping power struggles and getting things done. You know what it really is. You're teaching your child how your child is made. Your child is going to have this brain for the rest of their lives when they're in the working world. So knowing how they work best is extremely important. I would encourage you, if you do not have it, get the calm parenting package or the get everything package. And they will have the ADHD university program in there. Now your kids don't have to be diagnosed. I don't even ask for a diagnosis. I don't want a diagnosis. They're very broad, they're not very specific, and I just don't care. What I want to always know is what is the behavior. The outward behavior will tell me everything that's going on inside of their brain and heart. And then I just develop solutions for that, right so your kids don't have to have adhd. But that particular program goes through, I'd say probably many, many dozens of practical things you can do at homework time and in the classroom to help your kids succeed. Okay, here's another one. Arguing like attorneys. Why do your kids argue like attorneys? We always think it's like, well, they just want to push our buttons because they're jerks. No. And they're not just doing it for attention that the brain seeks intensity. These kids brains love intensity. And here's what we know as humans. Wherever we can get that intensity, the quickest and easiest, that's where we're going to get it. So guess what? What kids do? They do something wrong or they talk back, or they argue with you, and guess what? Then you're going to put down your phone, whatever you're working on, you're like, young man, young lady, you are not going to talk to me like that. And you just fed their brain a lot of intensity. But it was in a very negative way. And so we want to bring this in a positive way. A little side note here. If you have kids who were adopted kids with attachment issues, this is even more important because this is critical to understand. They associate intensity with connection. Because the worst thing in a relationship, right, is not just when you're arguing with your spouse, because then at least I care enough to argue with you. It's apathy. Apathy means I just don't care. And to a child whose brain needs a lot of intensity, here's what that child knows. Whether it's negative or positive, I don't care. But when my mom or dad is yelling at me, at least they care enough about me to yell. See, they don't distinguish between positive and negative intensity. And what little kids know is I get the teacher's intensity. My parents intensity much more quickly when I do something wrong. So I want to start noticing when kids do things well and giving more intensity that, hey, nice job with that. Hey, good job, man. That shows me you're growing up. Fist bump. Start doing that.