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Calm Parenting Podcast
Why Kids Say 'No' Instantly (You Won’t Like My Response!) #443
00:25:34
So you ask your child to do something, even something simple. Put your shoes on, Take the trash out. Brush your teeth. Put your dishes in the sink. It’s not hard to do. If they just did what you asked them to do, they’d be done in like 20 seconds! Instead, they react with a sigh, a groan, muttering something like “that’s dumb,” or “I don’t want to.” I want to show you a different way to respond so your kids actually do what you say…without the big fight!
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- [00:00]
Kirk Martin
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- [01:13]
Dave
Oh, such a clutch off season pickup Dave. I was worried we'd bring back the same team. I meant those blackout motorized shades. Lines.com made it crazy affordable to replace our old blinds. Hard to install. No, it's easy. I installed these and then got some for my mom. She talked to a design consultant for free and scheduled a professional measure. Install hall of fame son. They're the number one online retailer of custom window coverings in the world. Blinds.com is the goat shop.
- [01:37]
Casey
Blinds.com right now and get up to 40% off select styles plus a free professional measure. Rules and restrictions may apply.
- [01:43]
Kirk Martin
So you simply ask your child to do something, even something simple. Put your shoes on, take the trash out, brush your teeth, put your dishes in the sink. We need to go. It's not that hard to do. And if your strong willed kids would just do what what you asked them to do, they would be done in like 20 seconds. Instead, they react with a sigh, a groan, muttering something like that's dumb. I don't want to. So how do you respond to that? So your kids actually do what you say without instigating World War three. That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our winter sale@celebratecalm.com and I know I may not sound like myself. I got this virus that is just all in my throat. So I've been texting Casey all morning. I can't do the podcast. I sound like a 90 year old smoker. He's like, dad, people don't care. They like your content and moms will feel sorry for you. Isn't that funny? Well, that was his response. So I've been wanting to do this episode for a long time. I love this idea. It's really going to challenge you. And you probably love won't like my answer for you, but just do it and try it. So your strong willed child will almost always respond with an immediate no or grumble when asked to do things. And most of us will justifiably get upset and react immediately, right? Why is it so hard to just do what I asked you to do? After all I do for you, right? And you can't do one simple thing. You know, when I was a kid, you know, that one just makes you sound old. Don't do it. You will not talk disrespectfully to me, young man. Young lady. Right? Most of your kids will simply ignore these statements like they ignored your initial command. Some of you will justifiably demand back to them, you will do it and you will do it now. And I get that. But that will only prompt the strong willed child to reply, you can't make me. And Now World War 3 has broken out on Maple Avenue or wherever you live, because that triggers you. There's no way you are ever going to allow a child to disrespect your authority like that. Or maybe you're just confused. Like, what is this child saying? I never would have thought to say that as a kid. So here's what I want you to know. These strong willed kids and the guy hosting this podcast are hardwired deep inside to initially reject just about everything at first. So about 25 years ago, when we were working with these kids in our homes and I noticed this pattern in all of them, we developed a term and a strategy for this. I want you to ignore initial bluster. And this is so going to bother you. I have to admit it's one of the reasons I was excited to do this one. And the reason I'm excited is because it's just such a huge opportunity. One to understand how your kids really see the world, what's going on inside their hearts and brains, because we just misinterpret so much about them and it creates all these power struggles. But worse than the power struggles, our kids feel misunderstood, like we don't like them. And it creates a defensive response. They shut down, they fight harder. And it's also an opportunity just to change these interactions and it's not really all that hard, except you're gonna have to work through a lot of your junk in order to do that. But that initial response by your child, nothing more than bluster. And I'm not saying it's good or right, it just is. And I'm going to explain more in a minute and give you several options. But here's what I want you to practice this coming week. So you give your child a direction in an even matter of fact tone. Short and sweet. You could make it a challenge if you want to stimulate their brain, but give the direction, expect, push back. Then walk out of the room and give them space to process it and do it without you looking over their shoulder or nitpicking how they do it. And this is going to be hard for you, but I want you to try that. And I can hear your skepticism. So I'll answer a couple of your questions right now because I know what they are, because they're the same questions I asked myself when I was learning all of this. So inevitably, there will be times. Let me give you an example. So I told Casey, hey, Casey, you need to take out the trash. I want to take out the trash. Trash is stupid. And instead of reacting to him and creating this big thing about how what I did when I was a kid, I just walked away. And then later, if he had not taken out the trash, here's what I encourage you to do. See, I like to discipline, but I like to do it decisively and with no drama, because your kids will always have drama. So I would go and I would just take out the trash. Well, isn't that teaching him that he doesn't have to do things? Oh, no, because that's not the end of the story. So he would be watching that and I knew what he was thinking. But then later, when he would inevitably come up and say, mom, dad, can you take me here? Can you buy this for me? I'd say, no, that's not how life works. See, because we had taught a basic principle which is, hey, our family life is built around serving other people. You do things for other people. Because that's just the kind, thoughtful thing to do. But if you mess up with that general order, things don't go well for you. But I don't need a long lecture with him about learning how to be responsible. And you know, we do so much for you. That's not necessary. What is necessary is decisive action with no drama. And if you have our discipline program, listen to that, because we go through that and it's very, very simple. It's not always easy, but it's a simple process if you will do that. So I get that. Now the other question is this. Well, look, if it's something hard or complex that you're asking your kids to do, by all means give them some practical tools. Make it a challenge. Use music to get them moving. And we've been through those strategies a lot. But I just got an email from a dad, so I'll share this one because I think it's a good example here. So dad said, I was stuck this morning on how I could motivate my 5 year old son, who is literally a miniature version of me, to clean up the messes he's made. I got a piece of paper and crayon and wrote his name at the top and showed him that every time he put something away, we would make a mark with the crayon and after we were done, we would count them up and use them. Use that total for some Mario Kart time. I picked up the first thing and marked it down for him and immediately knew I was going to be successful because of his response. He was literally running to put stuff away. I stayed in, helped, but it was mostly me marking things off for him. Then afterwards, and this is important to me, I went into the garage afterwards and cried. I cried for the little boy who was me, who needed a dad to do that for me and what I'm now doing for my son. And I wanted to share that because I know many of you, you're breaking generational patterns. You are. You didn't have this parent. You were becoming the parent that you always wanted. This dad is becoming the dad he never had. And so I just wanted to say I respect you for that. It is hard, hard work. So for the purposes of this podcast, I want to eliminate the unnecessary power struggles over that initial bluster. I completely understand your concerns. Your kids should do what I asked them to do the first time, but they never are. So just chill. And you already do too much for them. Why can't they be grateful? Just do it. It's not that hard. I get all of that. But here's what's going on inside the kids brains. 1. It is simply an honest first reaction and expression of disappointment. I just don't want to do this. Many people think this, but then they say inside, well, I don't want to be selfish, so I will do this. We do this dozens of times throughout the week, don't we? We don't want to do things. But, well, we need to do them or we do those for others. Now, some people are naturally compliant. Some of you are like that. You never think that way. And you're going to struggle with this and think there's something morally wrong with your kids or those of us who, who are naturally oppositional. And there isn't. So this is important. I would expect, expect that initial bluster. I mean, it's happened the last 79 times you asked your child to do something. Why would it be different, this or the next time? I'm not excusing it. I'm saying it's part of their nature. And I've learned in life it's not so great to try to change someone's nature. I work with their nature instead. So I'd rather you do a little work, a little inner work yourself. Why does their initial resistance bother you so much? Why does that trigger you? Were you raised by parents who enforced first time obedience? And that awful little saying, right away, all the way with a happy heart? I hate that because that simply denies human nature. Virtually no one who is a leader who thinks critically or, or as independent ever obeys immediately the first time. That's odd behavior to me. I don't expect that. So I expect pushback. Are you resentful because you do so much and yet your kids won't reciprocate? Well, let's work on changing your own patterns and stop doing everything for everybody else, purposefully stop doing everything for your kids, because that is within your control.
- [12:23]
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I love their stuff.
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Casey
Um, I think I just won my taxes. Yeah, I just switched to H and R Block in about one minute. All I had to do was drag and drop last year's return into H and R Block and bam. My information is automatically there so I don't have to go digging around for all my old papers to switch. Nope. Sounds like we just leveled up our tax game.
- [14:10]
Kirk Martin
Switching to H and R Block is easy. Just drag and drop your last return. It's better with block. Now, sometimes your kids are going to respond by asking why. Most of the time I can tell you it's not snotty defiance. It isn't. They're looking for context. Look, these are kids who are usually bigger picture strategic thinkers. And that's why context is really important for them. Because once they understand the bigger picture, then all the details of why you're asking them to do things fall into place. This is really important to understand for teaching them because that's how they learn concepts. It is how, even at my age, it is how I process things in life. I have to get the bigger picture. And once I get the big picture right, everything else makes sense to me. And if you don't understand that, then you will pick fights with these kids all the time. These are old souls. They're good attorneys. So get to the root. But here's the other part to that. They're often asking because they want to see if there is a different way they can accomplish what you're asking them to do. These are kids whose highest value is autonomy, independence, ownership of their choices. And that's why consequences are largely ineffective. Because they don't care what you take away from them unless it's their independence. And you're just going to have to wrestle with this and your own inner demons from your own childhood expectations. So here's another email. I thought this one was really good. And this is another dad. I've dealt with anger problems my entire life. And when my strong willed son, who is 8, exhibited the same issues, I chalked it up to, well, it just runs in the family, right? Or I just make an excuse until I admitted I was the problem. And I owed it to my son, daughter, my wife and myself to change, he said. I purchased to get everything packaged a couple weeks ago. I've been listening and re listening in addition to binge listening to your podcast. This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It's extremely emotional and sometimes painful to face these demons that have plagued me for the better part of over 40 years. Can you hear that, moms? And that's why I respect you so much. Because this stuff is really hard and this is a parent coming to grips with that. But here's the cool thing. He said, I've had some slip ups, but they're fewer and they're farther between and they're less intense than before. And I love that because that's what we're after. Progress, not perfection. You're going to mess up. It's part of the process. And your kids are watching you change and wrestle with these things. And the dad said, because I've been able to recognize the pattern and stop myself before making the situation any worse. And he said, I've been repeating the affirmations every morning and it's making a difference. I was on my way to losing my family and now my family does not have to walk on eggshells anymore. Moms and dads, that is the greatest gift we can give our kids is when they no longer have to walk on eggshells, wondering if they're going to be lectured, whether they're going to be yelled at, whether we're just going to react all the time. No blame, no guilt. I know this is really hard, but let's give that gift to our kids. See, we're trying to work with their nature. And we've already discussed, look, institute martial law, tough discipline if they refuse. It's not my first option, but it is one. Because I don't want you getting walked all over. But I encourage you to practice. Give your kids some space, patience and space. I'm going to give you an example in just a minute. So here's another one though. Sometimes kids will make these brash, declarative statements, right, that you've never had the courage to make yourself. I'm not doing it. I'm not going. And if you bite on that, they just hooked you. They like threw a big hook into the water and you bit on it. And now a grown adult is arguing with a toddler or a 7 year old or a 10 year old or a tall, awkward, mouthy human with teen or tween swagger and they're persistent and smart and cool under pressure, which means they will win the argument and you'll be over two. So they got the reaction from you, and now we're not even talking about their behavior. We're talking about yours. Look, that brash declaration just makes them feel like they have some autonomy. They're just verbalizing and getting it out. It's immature, but don't bite on and react to that.
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Think about this.
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You know that old saying, hey, if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it still make a sound? Well, if a strong willed child responds with initial bluster and no parent is around to react to it, does that child make a sound? And the answer is no. So you could walk away sometimes and just say, hey, let me know if you need some help with that. But let me tell you how I learned how to do this. We had 500, 1500 kids in our home over the course of a decade. We had to tell kids to do things all the time. And you've heard all stories about Casey. So I finally started transitioning where I would come into Casey's room and I said, hey, Case. And I would connect with him for maybe a minute, ask about his day, something he was curious about, something he was interested in, rather than just dumping all my stuff on him. So connection always first. And I'd say, hey, here's the deal. I want these three things done by 7pm tonight. Some of you may want to start with one thing, because your children are currently doing zero things or negative things, which means you're doing everything for them. But I'd say, case, these three chores done by 7pm Let me know if you need my help. And sometimes I'd say, hey, I don't care how you get them done, when you get them done. Three chores, seven o'clock, Boom. And then I would be out of there. Why? Number one, I expect pushback. He had always pushed back. It is in his nature because he got that from me. I have read history books going back thousands of years. You see these same traits in almost all leaders and independent, strong people that they write history about because they don't write a lot of history books about compliant people. So I walked out of the room. Why? Because I knew what was coming. Because I knew he wasn't going to say, of course, Father, I wasn't having a good time texting or playing my video games. I was hoping you give me some additional chores so I could learn the value of hard work and responsibility. Sir, that's what I wanted to hear, but I never heard that. So I walk out of the room number two. I wanted to give him space. No, here's the really hard part. If they would just do it your way, they'd get it done. Boom, boom, boom. He'd have those three chores done within 15 minutes and the rest of his night would be clear. He'd never have to think about doing anything else the rest of the night. He could do whatever he wanted. But what do our kids do? They procrastinate and they wait till the last minute and it drives you crazy. And you're going to want to go up to their room and remind them, hey buddy, you know what? It's 6:00 now. Hey, do you want me to start on the first one? Why don't I go start the lawnmower and mow the first part of the lawn and you can come and finish it up. Don't do that. And so ultimately what I found happened was it provoked my anxiety and control issues so much and it would drive me crazy because I knew he was up in his room and I was downstairs and I was like, I do a lot of things during the day. This isn't too hard. What kind of child am I raising? All those things are going to go through your mind. But I resisted it. And you know what usually happened? He got the three chores done. He just didn't do them the way I would have done them as a 35 or 40 year old grown man. He didn't always do them in the order because we're always be like, do the hardest thing. First you do A, B, then C. Your kids are just going to do like Z Y and then they're going to make up some other thing. And I used to joke at our live events, on the way to doing the third chore, your child's going to walk by the bathroom and look inside and say, huh? It'd be really interesting to take the toilet apart and not put it back together. Because your kids tinker with things. And the truth is, if your child took the toilet apart and followed his or her curiosity that night, instead of getting one of the chores done, that was the right decision and I'd rather have them do that. But you're going to wrestle with that. You're going to be like, but they should do their chores. They have to do what you wrestle with those things, give them some space. So this week I really want to encourage you. Walk in the room, give instructions, but then leave quickly so you don't hear their initial bluster and so you don't react and give them space to do it in a way that irritates you. And what I found was, over time, Casey would do it and then I would just come up and give him a fist bump. I didn't tell him I was proud of him for doing what he just should have done. I didn't make it overboard of like, wow, that was amazing, Casey. Because I don't praise kids in an overboard way because then it sounds condescending and it puts too much pressure. So I was like, fist bump. Hey, nice job. That really helped me. That's it. Not a lot. And what I have found is if it's a simple task, they'll do it after you give them some space to vent and to process work. Look, that's not the only thing, right? We've been through all kinds of different things on defiance and discipline before, but this is one area I want you to work on this week and just observe your kids because I want you to listen to them instead of just trying to force your arbitrary way on them the way that you would want them to do. Start to learn how your kids work. And as you do this, man, it becomes so much easier. By the way, quick note. I've got. I did this. I'm excited for two reasons. One, I've made it through this podcast. Pretty much my voice is actually feeling better now, so I'm pretty happy. I really fought through this one. And two, I'm currently creating this new program on kids who struggle with eating, with food issues, with potty training and sleeping. And I'm going to do a podcast on it. But I'm working on it now. As soon as my voice is better, I'll record that and I'm just going to put that in the app. So if you have to get everything package, I'm not going to sell that to you. I'm just going to give it to you. Because you've already invested in our programs. If you bought one of the bundles, like the younger kids bundle or something, I'm just going to add that new program to the app so it will be available to you. As soon as my voice gets better, I'll record that. So let's work on that this week. Ignore the initial bluster. Learn how your kids brains work. Okay? So much respect all of you moms and dads for, for doing this hard work. If we can help you. If you need help financially with our programs, they're on sale. But if you need help, let us know. We help everybody. I just want you to change and I want you to stop the power surface. All right? Love you all. Bye.