Why Kids Say 'No' Instantly (You Won’t Like My Response!) #443 - Calm Parenting Podcast

Calm Parenting Podcast: Episode Summary

Episode Title: Why Kids Say 'No' Instantly (You Won’t Like My Response!) #443
Release Date: January 29, 2025
Host: Kirk Martin
Podcast Description:
Having a strong-willed child who doesn’t respond to consequences, argues like an attorney, and refuses to do things your way? Good! You’re in the right place. Celebrate Calm Founder Kirk Martin has given over 1,000,000 parents and teachers around the world practical, life-changing strategies to stop power struggles, yelling, and defiance NOW. Based on work with 1,500 challenging kids (many with AD/HD, OCD, ODD, ASD, etc.) in his home, and years spent in classrooms, Kirk's approach is refreshingly practical, honest, and laugh-out-loud funny!

Introduction

In episode #443 of the Calm Parenting Podcast, celebrated parenting expert Kirk Martin delves into the common yet challenging scenario where strong-willed children instinctively respond with a "No" when parents issue even simple requests. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 children exhibiting various behavioral challenges, Kirk provides actionable strategies to navigate these power struggles effectively.

Understanding Strong-Willed Children

Kirk begins by addressing the inherent nature of strong-willed children. He emphasizes that these kids are "hardwired deep inside to initially reject just about everything at first." This natural tendency often leads to immediate pushback, making routine tasks like putting on shoes or taking out the trash into battlegrounds for parental authority.

Notable Quote:
“At 01:25, Kirk states, ‘These strong-willed kids and the guy hosting this podcast are hardwired deep inside to initially reject just about everything at first.’”

The Initial 'No' Response

The episode highlights how common it is for children to respond with sighs, groans, or outright dismissals like "that's dumb" or "I don't want to." Kirk points out that parents often react with frustration, escalating minor disagreements into full-fledged disputes.

Notable Quote:
“At 02:05, Kirk shares, ‘If you simply ask your child to do something, like put your shoes on or take the trash out, they might respond with a sigh or mutter something negative.’”

Strategy to Handle 'No' Responses

Kirk introduces a key strategy to manage these initial rejections: Ignore the Initial Bluster. By not engaging with the child's first outburst, parents can prevent the escalation of conflicts.

Step-by-Step Approach:

Issue Clear, Concise Directions: Deliver requests in an even, matter-of-fact tone without exaggeration or threats.
Expect Pushback: Acknowledge that initial resistance is natural and to be anticipated.
Provide Space: After giving the instruction, exit the room to allow the child time to process and comply without constant supervision or nagging.

Notable Quote:
“At 03:40, Kirk advises, ‘Give your child a direction in an even, matter-of-fact tone, short and sweet... then walk out of the room and give them space to process it and do it without you looking over their shoulder.’”

The Importance of Giving Space

Granting children the autonomy to complete tasks at their own pace without immediate oversight helps build their sense of responsibility and independence. Kirk underscores that hovering or micromanaging can exacerbate defiance and hinder cooperation.

Notable Quote:
“At 08:15, Kirk explains, ‘If you bite on their brash declarations and start arguing, you’re shifting the focus from their behavior to your reaction, which undermines authority and fosters resentment.’”

Listener Stories and Personal Reflections

Kirk shares heartfelt stories from his listeners, illustrating the profound impact of these strategies:

Mark’s Story:
A father of a five-year-old uses a simple reward system with crayons and Mario Kart time to motivate his son to clean up, leading to immediate and enthusiastic participation. Mark reflects on breaking generational patterns and becoming the parent he never had.
Jake’s Confession:
A dad confronts his longstanding anger issues, recognizing how they mirrored his son's behavior. Through the podcast’s programs and daily affirmations, Jake experiences significant progress, reducing conflicts at home and fostering a healthier family dynamic.

Notable Quote:
“At 10:50, Kirk shares Jake’s transformation, ‘I was on my way to losing my family and now my family does not have to walk on eggshells anymore.’”

Managing Parental Reactions

A critical element Kirk emphasizes is the importance of parents addressing their own triggers and emotional responses. Understanding why a child's resistance affects a parent deeply—often rooted in their upbringing or personal insecurities—can help in managing reactions constructively.

Notable Quote:
“At 09:30, Kirk advises, ‘Why does their initial resistance bother you so much? Were you raised by parents who enforced first-time obedience?’”

Building Autonomy and Independence

Encouraging autonomy is pivotal for strong-willed children. By allowing them to make choices and manage tasks independently, parents can nurture their child’s inherent leadership qualities and critical thinking skills.

Notable Quote:
“At 13:45, Kirk states, ‘These are kids whose highest value is autonomy, independence, ownership of their choices. And that's why consequences are largely ineffective because they don't care what you take away from them unless it's their independence.’”

Practical Examples and Techniques

Kirk provides tangible methods to implement his strategies:

Connection Before Commands: Engaging with the child about their day or interests before issuing instructions can create a foundation of trust and openness.
Clear Expectations: Stating what needs to be done and by when, then stepping back to allow the child to fulfill the task their way.
Minimal Praise: Instead of over-the-top praise, simple acknowledgments like a fist bump can affirm the child's effort without feeling insincere or pressuring them.

Notable Quote:
“At 17:30, Kirk explains, ‘If it's a simple task, they'll do it after you give them some space to vent and to process work.’”

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Kirk concludes by encouraging parents to embrace the discomfort that comes with changing long-established patterns. He acknowledges the emotional toll but reiterates the long-term benefits of reducing power struggles and fostering a harmonious family environment. Kirk also hints at upcoming programs focused on common childhood challenges like eating, potty training, and sleeping issues, promising more practical tools for parents.

Notable Quote:
“At 19:05, Kirk affirms, ‘The greatest gift we can give our kids is when they no longer have to walk on eggshells, wondering if they're going to be lectured or yelled at or if we're just going to react all the time.’”

Final Takeaway:
This episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast equips parents with the understanding and tools to navigate the inevitable "No" responses from strong-willed children. By recognizing the natural resistance in children, managing parental reactions, and fostering autonomy, parents can transform daily power struggles into opportunities for growth and mutual respect.

Transcript

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Kirk Martin (1:20)

So you simply ask your child to do something even. Even something simple. Put your shoes on, take the trash out, brush your teeth, put your dishes in the sink. We need to go. It's not that hard to do. And if your strong willed kids would just do what you asked them to do, they would be done in like 20 seconds. Instead, they react with a sigh, a groan, muttering something like, that's dumb. I don't want to. So how do you respond to that? So your kids actually do what you say without instigating World War three? That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our winter sale@celebratecalm.com and I know I may not sound like myself. I got this virus that is just all in my throat. So I've been texting Casey all morning. I can't do the podcast. I sound like a 90 year old smoker. He's like, dad, people don't care. They like your content and moms will feel sorry for you. Isn't that funny? Well, that was his response. So I've been wanting to do this episode for a long time. I love this idea. It's really going to challenge you and you probably won't like my answer for you, but just do it and try it. So your strong willed child will almost always respond with an immediate no or grumble when asked to do things. And most of us will justifiably get upset and react immediately, right? Why is it so hard to just do what I asked you to do? After all I do for you, right? And you can't do one simple thing? You know, when I was a kid, you know, that one just makes you sound old. Don't do it. You will not talk disrespectfully to me. You will. Young man. Young lady. Right? Most of your kids will simply ignore these statements like they ignored your initial command. Some of you will justifiably demand back to them, you will do it and you will do it now. And I get that. But that will only prompt the strong willed child to reply, you can't make me. And Now World War 3 has broken out on Maple Avenue or wherever you live, because that triggers you. There's no way you are ever going to allow a child to disrespect your authority like that. Or maybe you're just confused. Like, what is this child saying? I never would have thought to say that as a kid. So here's what I want you to know. These strong willed kids and the guy hosting this podcast are hardwired deep inside to initially reject just about everything at first. So about 25 years ago, when we were working with these kids in our homes and I noticed this pattern in all of them, we developed a term and a strategy for this. I want you to ignore initial bluster. And this is so going to bother you. I have to admit, it's one of the reasons I was excited to do this one. And the reason I'm excited is because it's just such a huge opportunity. One, to understand how your kids really see the world, what's going on inside their hearts and brains, because we just misinterpret so much about them and it creates all these power struggles. But worse than the power struggles, our kids feel misunderstood, like we don't like them. And it creates a defensive response. They shut down, they fight harder. And it's also an opportunity just to change these interactions. And it's not really all that hard, except you're going to have to work through a lot of your junk in order to do that. But that initial response by your child is nothing more than bluster. And I'm not saying it's good or right, it just is. And I'm going to explain more in a minute and give you several options. But here's what I want you to practice this coming week. So you give your child a direction in an even, matter of fact tone, short and sweet. You could make it a challenge if you want to stimulate their brain, but give the direction, expect pushback, then walk out of the room and give them space to process it and do it without you looking over their shoulder or nitpicking how they do it. And this is going to be hard for you, but I want you to try that. And I can hear your skepticism. So I'll answer a couple of your questions right now because I know what they are, because they're the same questions I asked myself when I was learning all of this. So inevitably, there will be times. Let me give you an example. So I told Casey, hey, Casey, you need to take out the trash. I want to take out the trash. Trash is stupid. And instead of reacting to him and creating this big thing about how what I did when I was a kid, I just walked away. And then later, if he had not taken out the trash, here's what I encourage you to do. See, I like to discipline, but I like to do it decisively and with no drama, because your kids will always have drama. So I would go and I would just take out the trash. Well, isn't that teaching him that he doesn't have to do things? Oh, no, because that's not the end of the story. So he would be watching that, and I knew what he was thinking. But then later, when he would inevitably come up and say, mom, dad, can you take me here? Can you buy this for me? I'd say, no, that's not how life works. See, because we had taught a basic principle, which is, hey, our family life is built around serving other people. You do things for other people because that's just the kind, thoughtful thing to do. But if you mess up with that general order, things don't go well for you. But I don't need a long lecture with him about learning how to be responsible. And you know, we do so much for you, that's not necessary. What is necessary is decisive action with no drama. And if you have our discipline program, listen to that, because we go through that and it's very, very simple. It's not always easy, but it's a simple process, if you will do that. So I get that. Now the other question is this. Well, look, if it's something hard or complex that you're asking your kids to do, by all means, give them some practical tools, make it a challenge. Use music to get them moving. And we've been through those strategies a lot. But I just got an email from a dad, so I'll share this one because I think it's a good example here. So dad said, I was stuck this morning on how I could motivate my 5 year old son, who is literally a miniature version of me, to clean up the messes he's made. I got a piece of paper and crayon and wrote his name at the top and showed him that every time he put something away, we would make a mark with the crayon and after we were done we would count them up and use them. Use that total for some Mario Kart time. I picked up the first thing and marked it down for him and immediately knew I was going to be successful because of his response. He was literally running to put stuff away. I stayed and helped, but it was mostly me marking things off for him. And then afterwards, and this is important to me, I went into the garage afterwards and cried. I cried for the little boy who was me, who needed a dad to do that for me and what I'm now doing for my son. And I wanted to share that because I know many of you, you're breaking generational patterns. You didn't have this parent. You are becoming the parent that you always wanted. This dad is becoming the dad he never had. And so I just wanted to say I respect you for that. It is hard, hard work. So for the purposes of this podcast, I want to eliminate the unnecessary power struggles over that initial bluster. I completely understand your concerns. Your kids should do what I asked them to do the first time, but they never are, so just chill. And you already do too much for them. Why can't they be grateful? Just do it. It's not that hard. I get all of that. But here's what's going on inside the kids brains. 1. It is simply an honest first reaction and expression of disappointment. I just don't want to do this. Many people think this, but then they say inside, well, I don't want to be selfish, so I will do this. We do this dozens of times throughout the week, don't we? We don't want to do things, but, well, we need to do them or we do those for others. Now, some people are naturally compliant, some of you are like that. You never think that way and you're going to struggle with this and think there's something morally wrong with your kids or those of us who are naturally oppositional. And there isn't. So this is important. I would expect, expect that initial bluster. I mean, it's happened the last 79 times you asked your child to do something. Why would it be different, this or the next time? I'm not excusing it, I'm saying it's part of their nature. And I've learned in life it's not so great to try to change someone's nature. I work with their nature instead. So I'd rather you do a little work, a little inner work yourself. Why does their initial resistance bother you so much? Why does that trigger you? Were you raised by parents who enforced first time obedience? And that awful little saying right away all the way with a happy heart? I hate that because that simply denies human nature. Virtually no one who is a leader who thinks critically or is independent ever obeys immediately the first time. That's odd behavior to me. I don't expect that. So I expect pushback. Are you resentful because you do so much and yet your kids won't reciprocate? Well, let's work on changing your own patterns and stop doing everything for everybody else. Purposefully stop doing everything for your kids because that is within your control.