Why Won't My Child Apologize? Disrupts Family/Sibling Dynamic #467

Summary

Calm Parenting Podcast: Episode Summary Episode Title: Why Won't My Child Apologize? Disrupts Family/Sibling Dynamic #467
Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: April 9, 2025

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Introduction

In episode #467 of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin delves into a prevalent issue faced by parents of strong-willed children: the struggle to elicit genuine apologies from their kids. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging children, including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD, Kirk offers insightful strategies to navigate these complex family dynamics. This episode is particularly valuable for parents seeking effective, compassionate approaches to reduce power struggles, defiance, and familial tension.

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Understanding the Challenge: The Reluctance to Apologize

Kirk begins by illustrating a common scenario many parents face with strong-willed children. He presents a hypothetical situation involving two siblings, Kara and Sarah, to highlight the difficulties in enforcing apologies and the ensuing family conflict.

Key Scenario:

• Day 1: Kara, the compliant sister, insults Sarah, the strong-willed child. When asked to apologize, Kara complies immediately:

  "I'm sorry I was mean to you, Sarah." ([04:00])

• Day 2: Sarah insults Kara. Upon being prompted to apologize, she responds defiantly:

  "No." ([06:09])

This leads to escalating conflict, with Sarah's defiance causing a rift not just between the siblings but also straining the parent-child relationship and causing marital discord.

Notable Quote:

"You are not changing your child's very nature, but you can change how you respond to it." – Kirk Martin ([06:10])

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Common Pitfalls in Parenting Strong-Willed Children

Kirk identifies several pitfalls parents often encounter when dealing with strong-willed children:

1. Demanding Apologies: Insisting on immediate apologies can lead to increased resistance and defiance.
2. Inconsistent Discipline: When parents are not aligned in their disciplinary approaches, children exploit these inconsistencies, exacerbating behavioral issues.
3. Emotional Exhaustion: Continuous power struggles leave parents feeling judged, isolated, and exhausted, leading to resentment and strained relationships.

Notable Quote:

"The more you demand an apology, the more they will resist." – Kirk Martin ([02:30])

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The Concept of Ownership: Granting Autonomy Within Boundaries

Central to Kirk's strategy is the idea of ownership. This involves giving strong-willed children the autonomy to make choices within clearly defined boundaries. Ownership empowers children to feel in control, reducing the likelihood of power struggles.

Key Principles:

• Clear Boundaries: Establish non-negotiable rules and expectations that provide a stable framework.
• Flexible Approaches: Within these boundaries, allow children to approach tasks and responsibilities in their own way.
• Respect for Independence: Acknowledge and respect the child's need for autonomy, fostering mutual respect.

Notable Quote:

"Ownership is giving your kids space to do things differently than you would do as long as they accomplish the same objective." – Kirk Martin ([09:15])

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Practical Strategies for Encouraging Genuine Apologies

Kirk offers actionable strategies to encourage genuine contrition rather than forced apologies:

1. Non-Confrontational Communication: Instead of standing over the child and demanding an apology, use a calm and supportive tone.

   "Hey, I know that when you're ready, you know the right thing to do." ([16:18])

2. Modeling Behavior: Demonstrate how to apologize through your actions, reinforcing the behavior you expect from your child.

3. Patience and Time: Understand that strong-willed children process emotions deeply and may need more time to come to their own conclusions about making amends.

4. Avoid Comparisons: Refrain from comparing siblings, as this can sow seeds of jealousy and conflict.

Notable Quote:

"When you give your strong-willed child ownership, it releases her to do what's right without a parent standing over her." – Kirk Martin ([17:32])

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Addressing Parental Conflict: The Importance of Unified Discipline

A significant portion of the episode focuses on the detrimental effects of parental inconsistency and conflict:

• Marital Strain: Differing approaches to discipline between parents can drive a wedge between them, making it harder to present a united front to the child.
• Impact on the Child: Children sense and exploit these inconsistencies, further entrenching their defiant behaviors.
• Generational Patterns: Unresolved conflicts can perpetuate negative behavioral patterns across generations, leading to long-term relational issues.

Strategies for Unified Discipline:

• Open Communication: Encourage parents to share their frustrations and strategies, fostering mutual understanding.
• Educational Programs: Utilize resources like the Calm Couples Marriage Program to develop effective conflict-resolution skills.
• Shared Goals: Focus on the child's well-being and collective parenting objectives to mitigate personal resentments.

Notable Quote:

"Your own immaturity can indirectly harm your child by putting them in the middle of your conflicts." – Kirk Martin ([19:19])

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Embracing the Child's Nature: Valuing Independence and Agency

Kirk emphasizes that strong-willed children possess traits that, when channeled correctly, can be assets:

• Leadership Potential: Their independence and determination can make them effective leaders who stand up for what is right.
• Resilience: These children often develop a strong sense of self and resilience, enabling them to navigate challenges effectively.
• Authenticity: They value being true to themselves over conforming for social acceptance.

Encouraging Positive Traits:

• Support Autonomy: Continuously support their sense of agency while guiding them within established boundaries.
• Focus on Strengths: Recognize and nurture their inherent strengths rather than solely addressing deficits.
• Foster Mutual Respect: Build a relationship based on mutual respect, where the child's opinions and feelings are acknowledged.

Notable Quote:

"They (strong-willed children) would rather have their independence than seek comfort or acceptance from you." – Kirk Martin ([17:33])

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Practical Application: Implementing the Strategies

Towards the end of the episode, Kirk provides a step-by-step approach to applying these strategies:

1. Reframing Apologies:

   • Instead of insisting on verbal apologies, allow the child to express remorse in their way, understanding that actions can also convey contrition.

2. Handling Post-Apology Behavior:

   • If the child apologizes through actions rather than words, acknowledge and reinforce this positive behavior instead of demanding traditional apologies.

3. Managing Internal Triggers:

   • Parents are encouraged to manage their own emotions and triggers, possibly by utilizing resources like the 30 Days to Calm Program to stay centered during conflicts.

4. Consistent Application:

   • Apply the ownership and boundary-setting consistently across different situations to establish a reliable and predictable environment for the child.

Notable Quote:

"Stop fighting your child and thinking you can change your child's very nature." – Kirk Martin ([27:20])

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Conclusion: Embracing a Harmonious Family Dynamic

Kirk concludes the episode by reinforcing the importance of understanding and respecting the nature of strong-willed children. By granting them ownership within clear boundaries, parents can reduce power struggles and foster a more harmonious family environment. Emphasizing patience, consistent discipline, and mutual respect, Kirk encourages parents to embrace their children's unique traits as strengths rather than obstacles.

Final Takeaway:

"If you learn how to do this, you can stop most of these power struggles and enjoy your children." – Kirk Martin ([29:41])

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Additional Resources

Kirk recommends several programs and resources to support parents in implementing these strategies:

• Calm Parenting Package: Comprehensive resources to address various parenting challenges.
• 30 Days to Calm Program: Helps parents manage their triggers and maintain composure.
• Strong Will Child Program: Foundational program specifically designed for handling strong-willed children.

Parents are encouraged to visit www.celebratecalm.com for more information and support.

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Notable Quotes Summary

• "You are not changing your child's very nature, but you can change how you respond to it." – Kirk Martin ([06:10])
• "The more you demand an apology, the more they will resist." – Kirk Martin ([02:30])
• "Ownership is giving your kids space to do things differently than you would do as long as they accomplish the same objective." – Kirk Martin ([09:15])
• "When you give your strong-willed child ownership, it releases her to do what's right without a parent standing over her." – Kirk Martin ([17:32])
• "Your own immaturity can indirectly harm your child by putting them in the middle of your conflicts." – Kirk Martin ([19:19])
• "They (strong-willed children) would rather have their independence than seek comfort or acceptance from you." – Kirk Martin ([17:33])
• "Stop fighting your child and thinking you can change your child's very nature." – Kirk Martin ([27:20])
• "If you learn how to do this, you can stop most of these power struggles and enjoy your children." – Kirk Martin ([29:41])

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Final Thoughts

Episode #467 of the Calm Parenting Podcast provides invaluable insights for parents struggling with eliciting apologies from strong-willed children. By emphasizing ownership, consistent boundaries, and unified parental approaches, Kirk Martin offers practical solutions to foster respectful and harmonious family relationships. Parents are encouraged to embrace their children's inherent traits and work collaboratively to reduce conflict, reinforcing the message that understanding and patience can transform challenging dynamics into opportunities for growth and mutual respect.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

You have a child who messes up.

[A]

Does something wrong and all you ask for is a simple apology and that yet they will just dig in and they will refuse to apologize. No more that you demand an apology, the more the more they will resist and you can take away everything they own and they just won't care.

[B]

Do you have a child who when.

[A]

You go out like say you're one on one with them, it's like really good. It's like, I've got my child back. It's enjoyable. But then when you and your spouse are both there together, it's like an entirely different child and the situations kind of get blown up. That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting podcast.

[B]

So welcome.

[A]

This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find [e-mail] so look, there are a few things here and I do encourage you to share this episode with your spouse because if you're not on the same page, your kids, they're not going to divide you. You're going to allow them to divide you because you're not going to agree on how to discipline them and you're going to second guess each other and it will cause conflict. So I want to give you very practical examples of how to make this work because we've got a lot of dynamics going on. We've got sibling issues, we've got parents who differ on how to discipline. You're going to feel like you're letting your child get away with things. You're going to feel judged by your own parents and everybody else. I think you are going to find this very, very helpful and practical.

[B]

Let's say you've got two kids and we're going to say there's Kara, the compliant, kind of easy sister. And she says something mean to Sarah, the strong willed child. And mom simply says, kara, apologize to your sister. And Kara immediately complies. I'm sorry I was mean to you, Sarah. And mom smiles. You're like, this is easy. I'm a good parent. This is the way it's supposed to work. Well, the next day, Sarah, the strong willed child, says something mean to her sister. Mom says the same thing to apologize. Sarah ignores her or stares directly right, right into your eyes. Mom then puts down her phone, her papers and marches and stands over Sarah, demanding, young lady, you apologize to your sister right now. And as soon as mom stands over her and says, right now, an involuntary rigidness courses through the strong willed child's body and she reflexively blurts out no in as petulant a tone as possible. And now World War III has actually begun because now the strong willed child was mean to her sister. She just disobeyed. And then she was defiant to her mother. And it's about to get worse. Young lady, if I have to tell you one more time to apologize, you are going to lose your play date tomorrow with your best friend. See, mom is seething Now. And it's a standoff. You know where this is going if you have one of these kids. Finally, Sarah utters, fine, sorry, stupid sister. Right? And now mom has had enough. She takes away the play date and Sarah predictably yells, you're stupid too. So now this strong willed child has the trifecta. She was mean, she was defiant, and now she's disrespectful.

[A]

So guess what?

[B]

Dad comes walking through the door and guess what he's going to hear all about, Right? Of course. And so he's going to dutifully walk up to Sarah's bedroom intending to talk to her about her behavior. Look, that never works. Well, you have to learn a different way. But when dad walks into Sarah's room intending to help her and talk to her about her behavior, guess what she's going to do? She's going to turn her back on her father. Father. Because now at least she's offended everyone in the family, further cementing her position in the family as the black sheep. Right? And internalizing that she's the bad kid and everybody likes her sister more. And now you've got the seeds of Cain and Abel sprouting in your home. And the really hard part is that moment didn't do anything technically wrong here. She simply asked her daughter to apologize. And when Sarah didn't comply the first time, she upped the consequences like everyone has told her to do. Side note. You know what? I don't even know if I want to say that my side note. Look, my side note was this. And I hesitate to say this. Some of you have taken your kids or you've gone to therapists and you've spent literally thousands of dollars and all they ever tell you is, well, you just need to be firm, set clear boundaries and enforce your consequences. But you've done all those things, and yet it still doesn't work with these kids. And so. Right, because everybody, this is what everybody tells us to do. So this is the dilemma that other parents don't get at all. And that's why you get judged, right? And this is why you feel alone. It's why you second guess yourself and wonder if you're letting your strong willed child get away with things, right? And how can you let her get away without a harsh consequence? But upon further reflection, when you really think it through, you realize this. We've given consequences countless times before, and yet nothing seems to, quote, get through to her. So you're exhausted and perplexed and you don't know what to do because you didn't do anything wrong, but it didn't work and it actually makes situations worse. So this is hard. Have you ever felt that way? Right, like kind of at your wit's end. And you're tired of all the judgmental sneering from family and friends who say you need to discipline harder, but you've done it and doesn't work. So let's try a different way. So this is going to challenge and stretch you, but we've worked with hundreds of thousands of families and if you can embrace this, it works so much better. So what could we have done differently here? Conceptually, it's critical to understand the idea of ownership and why you must give strong willed kids ownership and space or it will trigger countless power struggles. Ownership is giving your kids space to do things differently than you would do as long as they accomplish the same objective. You set your expectation and boundaries right, though you make your boundaries a little larger just to accommodate larger than life kids. So you make your boundaries look, this is not permissive parenting at all. I'm not just letting kids do whatever they want. I've got very clear rules, expectations and boundaries. But what I say is, hey, within this big box that I give you to live, we've got, it's very firm boundaries, very clear what I want. But I'm going to give you some space and time to own the way you do things, even if it's different than I would do it. Now, that's hard for us as parents. It's hard for many of you as well because you are control freaks and you want things done a certain way. And some of you quite honestly have a very distorted view of what authority figures are supposed to be because a good authority figure is not a dictator. And a good authority figure is a calm, patient leader who teaches discipline means to teach. So I give space kids space within these boundaries to do things differently than I would do them. So and that's why I encourage you listen to the Calm parenting package or get to get everything package on the website. The first thing I would ask you to listen to is either the 30 days to calm program because that'll help you deal with your triggers, or the Strong Will Child program because it's foundational. I've heard so many times. I've learned more from this one program than I have in 10 therapy appointments. So let's rewind the situation. Sarah, the strong will child, says something mean to Clara, the compliant child. Instead of reacting, mom walks by Sarah and whispers, hey, I know that when you're ready you know the right thing to do and then walks away and drinks. I'm kidding. You don't drink. But you're gonna feel like it because now it's kind of out of your control as, as if it was in your control anyway, right? So now it's kind of like you walk away and you're like, oh, when's she gonna apologize? Shouldn't, shouldn't I be forcing her to apologize? Am I not being a good mom or dad because I'm not making her behave? You're gonna wrestle with all those things, but you've already done all those things and they didn't work. So you walk away and give Sarah some space. Now here's just one of your challenges. Sarah is not going to apologize right away. She's not. She's not. She's not. She's not. And I don't care how much your spouse and parents and in laws and friends tell you differently or judge you. She's simply not going to. These kids process things deeply and slowly. They want to do things on their own terms, not just because they are told to or, or expected to. And I know this irritates some of you or your spouse to no end. And you're going to think, well, we can't just let her get away with this. And the truth is she's not getting away with this or anything else. She will apologize, just not the way that you want and not in the timing that you want her to do it. So here's something that I really want you to internalize. And please do this. This is going to be a common theme for your strong willed kids for their entire childhood and probably their whole lives. They simply are not going to do things the way that you want, how you want, and always when you want. And again, this doesn't mean you just let them. Right? There are different circumstances and situations where I can get them to move more quickly. You have to go to school, got to go to a doctor's appointment. You got to get stuff done. This is not one of those cases. This is. There's a little bit more emotion going on here and we do have some time. So many of the dads that I work with start down that path of enforcing it and I'll show you. Write that like I'll show her. And it just doesn't work. It backfires and these kids will dig in deeper.

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[B]

So what I want you to know is that you're not giving in. It's. It's. Look, it's not like I want you giving her whatever she wants. It's not buying her things. You're just giving her some ownership of her choices within your boundaries. Look, the expectation is clear. You want her to apologize to her sister, but the strong willed child is going to do everything differently And I would employ poor couples. Look, listen to, listen to the programs together, right? You can do it separately because each of you can get the app on your own phone. But really hash these issues out or it will drive you apart. So mom says, right? I know that when you're ready, you know the right thing to do. Here is why I like this. When you are ready is a fantastic phrase I want you to use 6,387 times throughout your child's life. Why? Because I can guarantee you 100% that when you command a strong willed child to do something right now, that child will always do, dig in and say no. Even if that makes taking a harsher punishment or consequence.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Think about this. And this is what's so important about this. This particular episode in getting this is. This shows you how much your strong willed kids value their independence and autonomy and agency. It is a higher value to them than comfort or, or ease or convenience or acceptance by you. It's the sword they're willing to fall on. And you've seen this because you've been falling on your sword and all that happens is everybody ends up bloody in your home. So you've seen this a hundred times already. So stop fighting it. Stop thinking you can change your child's very nature. You know I talk very directly to men, right? Because sometimes we, as men, we're like, well, I'll just show her, no, you're not. And all you're going to do is drive a deeper wedge between you and your child. You will then justify because they're so difficult. And it will drive a wedge between you and your spouse because she cannot keep running interference between the child and her husband. And she can't keep managing everybody's emotions because you accuse her dad. Sometimes we accuse our wives of like, well, you're just coddling our child. And the truth is she's kind of coddling you because she knows what's coming. When your daughter is going through this and not obeying immediately, she can feel the tension in you. She can hear your tone of voice. And look, sometimes this is completely opposite with moms and dads, right? But I'm just picking on dads. Why? Because I'm a man, I'm a dad. I pick on men more. And usually we deserve it. So.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Because we dig in and we're like, I don't have anger issues. I'm like, sure you don't. You just have denial issues. So, Right. And so your wife can feel all this tension, knows what's about to happen. And so now she think about this. How many of you have a home or have a child in which if you do one on one time with the strong willed child, your child is amazing, you have a great time. As soon as the other spouse is involved, it goes haywire. And you know what that is? It's because you're not usually on the same page. And usually when mom is out with a little Sarah and they're doing things well, Sarah's allowed to stand, walk, not just on the sidewalk. Mom lets her walk on the curb because that's what our kids do, right? It has to be. Why can't you just, why can't you just walk on the sidewalk? There's a sidewalk for a reason. I get all that. But no amount of your yelling and getting upset is going to change the fact that, duh, everybody walks on the stupid sidewalk. I want to walk on the curb. It's smaller surface area. There's a greater chance I'm going to fall off. And I like that challenge. Get in their brains, understanding, understand how they work. So when you're out alone with your daughter, mom allows something when dad's along, or it might be opposite of that, but in this case, dad's along. Well, dad doesn't, dad doesn't want that because dad was military or dad's an engineer. Dad knows like there's a reason you have to do things and there's a sidewalk for a reason and you have to walk this particular way, right? And so now this child who's usually allowed to walk on the curb with her mom, now isn't allowed with her dad. And she starts looking at her mom like, hey, what's up with this? And now see how this works? And that's why it falls apart. And you have to get on the same page here, right? And look, even if you resent and don't like your spouse anymore, which I get, it happens after many, many years, at times do it for the sake of the child because it's not right. And it's not fair to put a child in between. Let me just say it this way, your own immaturity, because we're all immature as adults and just because you haven't learned how to handle conflict, because you haven't been through the Calm couples marriage program, but just because you haven't learned how to handle conflict and deal with things with your spouse, now guess who pays? An innocent kid. And I want to break those generational patterns, right? That's what we're really, really after is let's Break the generational patterns. Otherwise this just evolves. It doesn't end well. It ends with broken relationships for years and decades. So let me go back before I veered off, but look, this is important because I, look, I'm getting older now and what I'm trying to impart to you is hopefully wisdom from talking to working with literally hundreds of thousands of families. So I see the patterns and I care about people. That sounds, I care about people, whatever, but I do. And so look, I don't have a vested interest in. If you want to do this and your family falls apart, right. It doesn't affect my life, but I want to do this because I've seen the pain that it causes and it's not good. So let's get back. So falling on the sword is where we kind of left off. Stop fighting your child and thinking you can change your child's very nature. And look, why would you want to anyway? Look, I know this is tough to deal with, but your kids, these are great qualities. It's who they are. It's the same quality that will cause them to stand up and do what is right even in the face of pressure. It's the quality that causes them to be thought leaders because they don't always need or want social acceptance. They would rather have their independence. So when I say hey, when you're ready, it gives your strong willed child some ownership or agency. It's like it releases her to do what's right without a parent standing over her. And that's a huge key for these kids. If you have a spouse who is intent on just making your strong willed child do things, then you may as well go see an attorney right now because it won't ever work. The relationship between child and parent will be ruined. So will your marriage over time because you can't keep running interference and doing these things right. So I also like what the mom did in the second version right of this is because what the mom did not do in this situation, she didn't crouch down and get on at lie level and lecture her daughter in that sweet syrupy tone, hoping her daughter will finally just once comply. Honey, you know it's really important to apologize and, and show you're sorry. I, I, look, I, I hate that I, I don't like that at all. And kids strong will. Kids don't like that tone of voice. It sounds condescending. I like talking to kids like they're adults. When I walk by and say, hey honey, I know that when you're ready, you know the right thing to do. See, you know why I know that? Because she does know the right thing to do. Because you and I have modeled it for her a hundred times before. When we mess up, we apologize, right? And so there is no. Look, your daughter already knows that what she did was wrong and mean. That's why she did it. She doesn't need a lecture. She already knows to apologize because she's seen you guys do that before. I also like that mom didn't get personal and harsh. You know what? I don't know why you can't do something so simple like apologize. See, sometimes you can hear your own resentment coming out because you do so much for your kids and this child makes stuff so hard. And I get that. But do watch this and be sure to take care of yourselves emotionally, physically and spiritually so you don't get worn down and resentful. Mom also didn't compare the two kids, as in, you know, your sister never does this. Please watch that. One of the first recorded stories of family life from about 6,000 years ago records what happens when you sow the seeds of comparison between two siblings. And a brother murders his brother. And you don't want the seeds of Cain and Abel rearing their ugly head in your home, right? And that's the cause of many sibling fights. Okay, so mom says, when you're ready, I know you know the right thing to do, and walks away. Now what? Well, you wait because that apology not coming anytime soon. And if you drop a hint, honey, you know, I think now would be a good time to apologize to your sister. Right? Or pressure Sarah. Sarah, if you don't apologize in the next hour, right, you look, just reset the clock and start over. So you're going to be lying in bed with your spouse tonight once again worrying about this strong willed child. And by the way, we've received this really great email this morning from a couple who said when they get worried and want to lecture, they pull up a random program on their app and listen for 10 minutes just to calm them down, reset themselves. And I love that. So you're going to be asking your spouse, are we raising a sociopath? Why can't she just apologize? And this is especially hard for those of you who are kind of compliant, rule following parents whose natural instinct is just do what you should do when someone asks you. So watch this subtle dynamic as well. Many of you are so busy raising your kids that it becomes kind of like a job and you have to.

[A]

Check off the boxes as if there.

[B]

Was a parenting Checklist. See, the more you have this checklist in your head, the more you will prioritize the checklist over the child and the relationship. So now, after worrying a little bit, talking, you eventually fall asleep. When you wake up in the morning, you discover that strong willed Sarah has done something kind and thoughtful for her sister as an act of contrition. And you're going to be tempted to say, okay, Sarah, now apologize to your sister and I'm going to challenge you once again. She already did apologize to her sister. How? By doing an act of contrition? Wouldn't you rather have contrition than a forced apology? And you're going to protest, but she is so pigheaded. And I'll respond, yes, she is, and so are you. Because you need her to do this in a certain way. And when she doesn't, it throws you off your internal, internal sense of order and right and wrong and justice. And those are your control issues to deal with. Because if we're honest with ourselves, we like doing things our way a certain way as well. And guys often hide behind a justification that, well, I'm the authority figure, so I get to call the shots. And I don't want you being a weak parent. I don't want you being a permissive parent or a sweet, soft parent who gets walked all over. But that didn't happen here. Your daughter did apologize. You just don't like how she did it and what it looked like and what it sounded like and it makes you worry about her future. And I guarantee that part of the reason she won't use the words I'm sorry to her sister is simply because you want it. Let's say, no, you need it. You need it too badly. You need her to use those words. Do you see how that works? Look, this podcast isn't really an about. It isn't really about an apology. It's about understanding the heart and brain of strong willed children and understanding your own triggers and control issues that cause power struggles. Because I promise, if you learn how to do this, you can stop most of these power struggles and enjoy your children. So let's practice doing this this week.

[A]

Thank you for working so hard at.

[B]

This, moms and dads.

[A]

I know it's hard, but. But you're doing good work and I want you to enjoy these kids. So let us know how we can help.

[B]

Okay? Love you all. Bye.