Calm Parenting Podcast

Episode #550: Why Won’t My Kids Do Easy Things When I Ask?!

Host: Kirk Martin
Date: January 4, 2026

Main Theme & Purpose

In this episode, Kirk Martin dives deep into one of the biggest frustrations parents face: “Why won’t my kids just do what I ask, especially when it’s easy?” By sharing stories from his extensive work with strong-willed children and answering real-life parent questions, Kirk explains how pressure, anxiety, and parental expectations can actually backfire—escalating power struggles and making cooperation even harder. He offers practical, compassionate strategies to “step back” and help kids step up on their own terms.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Problem with Pressure and Expectations

• Convincing Doesn’t Work:
  Trying to persuade strong-willed kids usually gets the opposite result.
  • "When you try to convince a strong-willed child of something, you usually get the opposite result. It just doesn’t work.” (09:02)
• Guilt Is Counterproductive:
  Using guilt (especially invoking God or authority) to get compliance is harmful.
• Hardline Approaches Fail:
  Forcing enjoyment or affection (“You better like the dog!”) breeds resistance, not cooperation.

2. Give Kids Space to Come Around

• Real-Life Example: The Dog Dilemma
  • Parent wants child to like the new family dog after it chews his toys.
  • Typical parental responses—convincing, guilting, or forcing—only intensified rejection.
  • Kirk’s advice:
    • Empathize (“I probably wouldn’t like that dog either.”)
    • Release pressure and stop all subtle reminders and expectations.
    • Result: Given space, the child slowly warms to the dog at his own pace.
  • “If you give your child some space and time, he will, on his own time, grow fond of this dog and bond with it. But you have to give your kids space to come to it.” (12:04)

3. The Power of Stepping Back

• Release vs. Control:
  Freely choosing behaviors leads to self-motivation.
  • “When you step back from micromanaging, from lecturing, from trying to make your kids do things, it gives them space to step up.” (14:01)
• Practical Tip:
  Write this phrase for the week: “Step back so my kids can step up and be responsible for themselves.”
  (26:42)

4. Real-Life Scenarios

• Shy Child Not Saying “Thank You”

  • Parents feel embarrassed and pressured by others when their child doesn’t respond politely after a party.
  • Kirk emphasizes modeling and patience over force.
  • Excessive pressure increases resistance or anxiety, especially for shy or neurodiverse kids.
  • “The more you pressure, the more they will resist. Release your kids to come to some of these things on their own timeline.” (17:10)

• Potty Training & Developmental Timelines

  • Parental anxiety around “milestones” creates unnecessary tension.
  • All timelines are artificial—children bloom on their own schedule.
  • “Your strong-willed kids will often bloom a little bit later. They have to take their own time.” (19:05)

• Interference Crushes Initiative

  • “Helpful” parental interruptions—showing a “better way”—often shut strong-willed kids down.
  • They want to succeed their way, not under constant surveillance.

5. The Emotional Work of Letting Go

• Release Yourself From Unrealistic Roles:
  • You are not responsible for your child’s success, happiness, or boredom.
  • “You are responsible to model how to live life, let them see you living it out, but you can’t control whether they’re successful or not.” (27:10)
• Childhood Triggers for Parents:
  • Many parents over-function due to their own childhood experiences (chaotic families, caretaker roles).
  • Kirk encourages parents to “practice imperfection” and resign from the role of family manager/emotional caretaker.

6. Adapting Family Traditions to Fit Your Child

• Examples:
  • Family dinners don’t have to look like they do in other homes or on TV.
  • It’s okay to feed little kids early and later enjoy more peaceful meals as adults.
  • “Is that the way you envisioned it? No, but it’s what works. And there’s nothing wrong with that.” (30:55)

7. Words & Attitudes that Release, Not Restrain

Kirk’s Sample “Release” Statements to Children

• Release from arbitrary rules and old traditions:
  • “I release you from following arbitrary rules and expectations that you know inside are simply not right... I want you to do what is right.”
• Release from perfectionism and comparison:
  • “I release you from thinking that grades and behavior are the most important qualities to develop... what’s most important is your persistence, compassion, your ingenuity, your creativity, your desire to help others, your ability to see patterns in things, your critical thinking skills.” (33:40)
• Release from expectations to follow the same timetable as others:
  • “I release you from the artificial timelines that society and schools propagate.”
• Release from having to be like you, siblings, or anyone else:
  • “I release you to be the person you’re supposed to be, not the one I wanted or expected you to be.”
• For strong-willed kids:
  • “These are kids who have to reject what you want first so they can own it themselves, but once they own it, it’s deep inside.”

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Pressure Breeds Rebellion:
  “If what you want your child to do is laced with your expectations, they will always reject that. They don’t want to do things just because someone else wants them to do it.” (13:08)

• On Parental Responsibility:
  “You are not responsible for your child’s happiness. You cannot do that in your home. It will lead to adrenal fatigue and all kinds of issues... You are responsible to model, to be kind and thoughtful, to listen, to be patient, to teach them to problem solve. But you’re not responsible for making them happy or managing their moods.” (27:21)

• Childhood Triggers:
  “Some of these are childhood issues... so you become highly conscientious, you become a caretaker of other people... and later in life you become the mom that manages the temperature of the home.” (29:04)

• Family Traditions:
  “Do what works for your family, because other people have no idea how hard this is.” (30:37)

• Parent’s Job Regarding Timelines:
  “There’s no one path... So I take the pressure off of you to conform to someone else’s timeline. I free you from comparison to siblings, to peers, to others... If you bloom a little later, know that when you do, it is going to be spectacular.” (34:42)

Timestamps for Key Sections

• Why Kids Resist “Easy” Requests: 03:45
• The Dog Example – Pressure & Release: 06:40 – 14:50
• Shy Child and Thank Yous: 15:35 – 19:46
• Potty Training Example & Timelines: 19:46 – 22:15
• Stepping Back to Let Kids Step Up: 24:00 – 27:00
• Parent Emotional Releasing: 27:00 – 32:00
• Family Traditions, Timetables & Adapting: 30:45 – 32:58
• “Release” Statements to Children: 33:20 – 36:30
• Final Reflections and Encouragement: 36:30 – 37:52

Actionable Takeaways

• Step back, not in, so strong-willed kids can step up and develop self-responsibility.
• Shift away from convincing, guilt, and pressure; model instead.
• Release yourself from perfectionism, control, and artificial family ideals.
• Use “release” language and attitudes—toward both your children and yourself.
• Accept imperfect solutions and timelines—what works for your family is good enough.

Closing Note

Kirk’s Tone: Warm, no-nonsense, empathetic, occasionally humorous (“Are you expecting your 4 year old to act like a 44 year old?” (35:38))—always practical.

Final Encouragement:
“When you control your anxiety, release them from your pressure... when you step back, they will take ownership over their choices, their boredom, their lives. They will follow your lead when you stop badgering them and pushing them to follow you.” (37:41)

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