Calm Parenting Podcast – Episode Summary Title: Why Won’t My Kids Just Do What I Ask?! #438
Host: Kirk Martin
Release Date: January 12, 2025

Introduction

In episode #438 of the Calm Parenting Podcast, host Kirk Martin delves into the common frustrations parents face when their strong-willed children resist following instructions. Drawing from his extensive experience with over 1,500 challenging kids, including those with ADHD, OCD, ODD, and ASD, Kirk provides practical strategies to navigate power struggles, reduce yelling, and foster healthier parent-child relationships.

Understanding Strong-Willed Children

Kirk begins by acknowledging the normalcy of feeling frustrated when children resist directives. He emphasizes that strong-willed children are not being unreasonable but are simply asserting their autonomy.

Kirk Martin [01:20]: "It's like I do half the stuff for them anyway. It's not like we fought our parents like this when we were kids and why do they have to fight me all the time?"

Addressing Parental Pressure

A significant portion of the episode focuses on how parental pressure and expectations can exacerbate conflicts with strong-willed children. Kirk advises parents to release their children from the burden of meeting these expectations, allowing them space to grow naturally.

Kirk Martin [04:15]: "If what you want your child to do is laced with your expectations, they will always reject that. They don't want to believe in things, they don't want to do things just because someone else wants them to do it."

Case Study: Introducing a New Dog

Kirk responds to a listener’s dilemma where a newly adopted dog is causing tension with their young son, who has started to dislike the pet after it chewed his toys. Instead of insisting the child likes the dog, Kirk recommends an honest conversation that acknowledges the child's feelings without pressure.

Kirk Martin [02:50]: "If you give your child some space in time, he will, on his own time, grow fond of this dog and bond with this dog."

The Pitfalls of Micromanaging

Kirk highlights how constant oversight and micromanagement can lead to increased resistance. He compares it to adults being nagged about needing to pee constantly, which would naturally lead to discomfort and rebellion.

Kirk Martin [05:30]: "When you are just wanting to help your child while they are working on something and you interrupt with your own way, they know that comes laced with so much anxiety and so many expectations."

Encouraging Autonomy Through Step Back

One of the core strategies Kirk advocates is for parents to "step back" allowing children to "step up." This involves trusting children to make their own decisions and take responsibility without constant interference.

Kirk Martin [07:00]: "When you control your anxiety, release them from your pressure."

Handling Social Expectations and Shyness

Kirk addresses another listener’s concern about a shy child not expressing gratitude for gifts received during her birthday party. He explains that pushing a naturally shy child to perform socially can lead to further resistance.

Kirk Martin [03:45]: "If you will release your kids from some of this pressure, they will step up and do it themselves."

He draws parallels to potty training, suggesting that excessive pressure can cause setbacks, whereas a more relaxed approach allows children to progress at their own pace.

Powerful Statements to Empower Children

Towards the end of the episode, Kirk shares potent affirmations parents can use to empower their children and release them from undue expectations. These statements are designed to validate the child’s individuality and foster self-confidence.

Kirk Martin [09:30]: "I release you to be the person you're supposed to be, not the one that I wanted, not the expectation that I put on you."

Some of the key statements include:

• "I release you from following arbitrary rules and expectations."
• "I release you from the false expectations of society."
• "I release you from the artificial timelines that society and schools propagate."

Embracing Individual Growth

Kirk encourages parents to embrace their children's unique paths, emphasizing that success comes from qualities like persistence, compassion, and creativity, rather than conforming to societal standards or parental expectations.

Kirk Martin [10:15]: "These are kids who have to reject what you want first so they can own it themselves. But once they own it, it's deep inside of them."

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Kirk wraps up the episode by reinforcing the importance of releasing parental pressure to foster a nurturing environment where children can thrive independently. He commends parents for their efforts and encourages them to continue working towards a calmer, more respectful relationship with their children.

Kirk Martin [11:45]: "When you release them from those expectations and you step back so they can step up... they will take ownership over their choices, their boredom, their lives."

Key Takeaways

• Release Expectations: Allow children to grow without imposing rigid expectations.
• Step Back, Step Up: Trust children to take responsibility when parents reduce control and pressure.
• Empowering Statements: Use affirmations to validate and empower your child’s individuality.
• Model Calmness: Control your own anxiety to create a more peaceful home environment.
• Embrace Individuality: Celebrate and encourage your child's unique path and strengths.

Additional Resources

For more strategies and support, visit CelebrateCalm.com or email Casey@CelebrateCalm.com.

This summary captures the essence of Kirk Martin’s insights on managing strong-willed children by reducing parental pressure and fostering autonomy. It highlights actionable strategies and powerful affirmations to help parents create a more harmonious and supportive family dynamic.