← Calm Parenting Podcast
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- [00:01]
Kirk Martin
Hey moms and dads, don't you just.
- [00:03]
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- [01:21]
Kirk Martin
So you know this look. Your child's face is red, eyes on fire, mouth spitting venomous words. He or she is no longer rational, screaming at you. Timeouts and talking just make it worse. But I don't want you to dread this. I want you to look forward to this as a huge opportunity to hear your child screaming to you, desperate for your help, to learn how to control their own emotions. Because we try reasoning, but that only makes it worse. And as our kids escalate, you have no idea what to do. Your first thought is to get them to calm down and stop. But in the course of trying to change their behavior, you lose control of yours. We've all been there. So how can you turn these moments into bonding opportunities? How can we actually use these awful situations as opportunities? That is what we are going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our winter sale@celebratecolm.com so let's talk about these lovely situations you always dreamed about when thinking about having kids. This son or daughter that you have sacrificed so much for is now screaming sometimes venomous words at you. Look, most of the time this is not defiance. And a quick aside here for perspective. Look, if your toddler is screaming I hate you Mommy. That's just a very smart way for your child to get under your skin and try to change your decision. Don't fall for that. Don't react if your child is being demanding or even disrespectful, you just simply remind them, hey, that's not going to work here. Hey, I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to grab a drink. Let me know if you want to try that differently and get a different result. If your 20 year old is living at home and disobeys your rules and yells at you, you can very matter of factly say, hey, this arrangement isn't working for us. Here are two options. You are welcome to live here if you can follow our reasonable rules, or we can help you find an alternative living arrangement. But this is not going to work. So you don't have to give in. You don't have to baby kids if they're being entitled or petulant or defiant. We've done entire podcasts on Defiance, even ones recently. We have an entire program called Stop Defiance and Disrespect as well. This, though, is not a tantrum we're talking about. Tantrums are rational, they're manipulative. The child purposefully just wants to wear you down until you give in. They do this in public a lot. It's awesome. So don't give in. Remember these phrases. Your mood does not determine my mood. Your behavior does not change my behavior. Your tantrums. That is just never going to work with me. See, there's no complaining or whining, pleading. You're just letting them know, this is how I roll now. Meltdowns, though, are different because they are irrational and emotional and sometimes there's no clear reason for it. Your child just kind of loses it. And just as tantrums provide an opportunity, they do moms and dads. I know you don't like the tantrums, but look at them as an opportunity. So look, instead of dreading them so much, I can't believe that you would have a tantrum over this. Why can't you just be grateful? They're an opportunity to prove, hey, I keep my word. I'm not moved. I don't give in. I problem solve meltdowns are opportunities to build a closer relationship with your child and equip them with lifelong problem solving skills. That's what I'm really after. And when you master how to do this, you will see these as fantastic opportunities. So think about this. When kids get upset, they are emotionally on fire. If your child were physically on fire, what would your immediate Instinct, Be well. Stop, drop and roll. Put out the fire. But that's not what we do when our kids get upset. It's almost like we react by yelling at them while they're being scorched by flames, right? Like, you know what? How many times have I told you not to play with matches, son? Great. Now you're going to burn to death and dinner is going to be ruined. Hope you're proud of yourself, because that's sometimes what we do. When your kids are upset and melting down. This is what I want you to hear. Sometimes, instead of hearing your child screaming at you, hear your child screaming out to you for help. Because most of the time your child is looking at you. And this is what they're really saying. I am so frustrated. I'm angry. I'm stressed right now. I'm overwhelmed. I don't know how to handle this. I don't know what to do. My whole world is out of control and it's spinning and it's scary. And I need you to be the immovable rock in my life who can give me some wisdom and tools to help me to know what to do. But all too often, and there's no blaming guilt in this, they look up and what do they see? The grown up, the adult, out of control as well. And that's why an upset child will often get even more combustible. Because you know what's happening. It's like I'm 4 or I'm 14. I don't know what to do right now. And I'm looking to you for help and you don't know what to do and you start yelling at me and it just escalates because I used to just do the same thing Casey was doing. I would react out of my own anxiety and lash out at him. And I know your kid's behavior isn't right, it isn't pleasant. But if you listen with wise ears, you will hear a plea for help, a plea to give them tools to deal with that frustration. See, the disrespectful tone and words are not the issue. How to deal with the underlying frustration. Anger, anxiety. That's the issue. And this is the pivotal point for you and for me as the adults. Are you going to take this personally? Are you going to react and push your child away in anger? Right? Like, go to your room. Or are you going to take the time to teach your child tools to calm himself or herself? Look, many of us as kids, we had parents who simply shut down our emotions because they couldn't Handle it emotionally. And they just wanted anything emotionally uncomfortable to stop. But that just creates kids who don't know how to speak up. So they often turn that anger inward. They never learn how to get their needs met. They often marry a controlling spouse or work for someone who takes advantage of them and they become emotionally stunted for yet another generation. But you and I have a huge opportunity to break those old patterns. So I do want to be clear. Look, if your kids are outright defiant, there's going to be an apology, a consequence. You just don't let it go. But I'm not going to try to reason with or deliver consequences to a child in an emotional state. Right then it just adds fuel to the fire. You may as well just bang your head with a brick instead because it'll have the same effect. But this is a wonderful opportunity to teach a new life skill to your child. So think of it this way. When your child yells or lashes out, learn to see it as a smoke signal. Our kids flare ups are another way of sending a flare up or a warning to alert us to an emotional accident. The hitting, screaming, kicking, biting, they're all outward manifestations of something that's bothering the child inside. Again, it's not an excuse, but it is a signal that something's going on. Because they don't have the maturity yet to say, mother, father, I'm feeling quite irritable and overwhelmed right now because my stomach is upset or I'm feeling frustrated and anxious because something just changed and I don't know how to handle it. And this new thing just changed all of a sudden and I'm not good at handling that. Could we please retire to the den and and talk about this? So they can't say that. So out comes all the ick. The ick directed at you isn't the real issue. I want you to discover and deal with whatever is causing that underlying ick. That's why I don't like sending kids to their bedrooms when they're having meltdowns. Now it's okay. Look, if you need to do that as a first step just to create some space and time, by all means do it. But I do want to go to the next level. So how do you put out that emotional fire in the moment? So Mrs.
- [10:30]
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- [11:42]
Kirk Martin
So we just.
- [11:43]
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- [12:56]
Kirk Martin
So when kids get upset, especially younger kids, we often say, honey, use your words. Use your words. But you know what your kids are thinking in the moment. You don't want me to use my words right now because if I do, you'll ground me for those words. That's because when kids are upset, the part of the brain responsible for language shuts down. It makes kids more frustrated. Or we say, hey, go sit in time out and think about your actions. But you can't think through your actions when you're that upset or frustrated. It makes kids angrier when we react to their meltdowns. It creates a great deal of instability for kids, which is why their screaming often gets louder. So just think what's happening here? The child is thinking, I'm so angry or frustrated or upset. I don't know what to do with that. And you just tell me to calm down, calm down. But I don't know how. And our son at one point said, and you know what, you're 35. Apparently you haven't mastered that skill either. Right, because we're yelling at them. So you know the phrase that we like, Motion changes emotion. Motion, or movement, is a tool we give kids to help them calm down. Movement, or physical activity is a tool that helps kids transition from being upset or irrational to a calm, rational state. See, I never want to stand toe to toe with an upset child. It's never worked since the beginning of time. Instead, I want to move them out of the physical, mental, emotional, and psychological place where they are at the moment. So here are some examples to use in a moment. There are hundreds of examples. You could, like, hold up a football or soccer ball and say, hey, I'm going to be in the backyard. When you're ready, come outside and we'll play catch for a few. I've got a new play I want to try. I really like the nonverbal of holding up the football because they know what you want and it reduces the amount of words. I like leading them the even tone, the invitation to do something specific, not just talk about their attitude. Hey, I'm going to dump some Legos on the floor in the living room. When you're ready, let's build that spaceship we were talking about. Again, you're focusing on something very specific and concrete. Your child can do in the moment something they're good at. And there's no eye contact, which is critical with our kids. Some kids need something more physical. I remember back in the day, we had all these kids in our home. I would just start doing either some crazy jumping jacks, or I get down on the floor and start doing push ups and say, hey, you can't do 10. And that challenge sometimes was really helpful. I'd often have kids do something in an obstacle course because moving heavy things is good. One of my favorite phrases that I always just used was, oh, I just remembered now. I didn't really remember something. It was buying me, like three seconds to come up with something. So I just remembered, hey, dad said he needed that bag of mulch moved or spread outside. Hey, I'm not sure if you can lift something that heavy, but I know he'd appreciate it. So moving heavy objects is very calming for the body. Getting kids outside in Fresh air changes moods. Now, you can't always go outside because you've got multiple kids. You're in the middle of cooking dinner, right? And so you could say, oh, hey, you know, do you think you could get the spaghetti sauce from the pantry for me and twist that top off and pour it in here? See, Giving your kids any kind of grown up responsibility in the moment can also be helpful. Remember that mom who had said, hey, I've got to call grandma real quickly. Do you think you're strong enough to move the sofa in the basement to the other side of the room? Because I need to vacuum down there. And when mom went downstairs, the daughter had moved the sofa because, man, that feels really good. It's a way of working off your stress and frustration. She was proud of herself for doing that, and she actually volunteered to vacuum. Now if mom had ever said like, honey, you need to vacuum the basement, the answer would have been like, duh, no, I'm not doing that. But in this situation, it gave her something to the daughter, something she was in control of. Hey, here's another. Hey, I just remembered, we're going fishing this weekend. Could you go organize the right fishing lures in the garage again? Give your kids something they feel in control of. For older kids, it could be like, hey, I wanted to put this new app on my phone. Do you think you could do that for me? It's something they feel mastery of or in control of. Now why do I like this? Instead of just sending my child away from me at the exact moment my child needs my help, I am drawing my child to me. I am the trusted adult who can handle them at their worst. I'm communicating. When your world is out of control, Mine's not. Look, I've seen this before. I've done this myself before. I'm not new to this. See how grounding that is? There's no eye contact, no one wants to be watched. When they're upset, there's no annoying words, right? When and when their voice has emotion in it, drain the emotion out of yours. That's why I want you to practice, even matter of fact tone. I gave the child some space to process without having to talk through it right now. And I gave them actions they can do and that they feel in control of. And you know what I love most is I'm giving my child specific tools so they can learn how to manage their own emotions now and in the future. I'm actually showing them how to calm down and I'm modeling it myself for them now. You may have noticed this phrase sprinkled in a couple examples. Hey, when you're ready, I'm going to be in the backyard. When you're ready, come in and build with Legos. When you're ready, grab the salsa. I'll grab some chips. Here's why this is especially powerful. If you demand something of a strong willed child, especially when they are emotionally on fire, they will resist and dig in. But when I say, hey, when you're ready, it gives them something they feel in control of in the moment. It gives them a sense of ownership, of autonomy. So instead of demanding, do this right now, which never works, I give them a sense of control over themselves and it's very powerful. Look, the whole reason I'm doing this episode is because this really great family emailed. They let their son Dylan, hey, shout out to you, my friend. They let their son Dylan listen to our programs. And the truth is he actually insisted on listening so he could, quote, review the programs first. Because, you know, our kids have control issues, including you, Dylan, but you're still, you're an awesome kid, right? There's so many great things about you. And so the mom and dad said, you listen and then tell us three things we could begin doing differently. I love that. So the first thing Dylan said was if you would just listen to this guy and use that when you're ready phrase, it would work so much better. Now I don't know if Dylan had an attitude when he gave his three things. He probably did. So Dylan, hey, cut that out. Be nice to your parents. But I love that they're working on this together. Our kids are very smart, so problem solve them, work on these things together. And here's what's inherent in that is, hey, tell us three things we could begin doing differently. And then mom and dad, you start doing it differently. But inherent in that is, hey, and there's some things you can begin doing differently as well. But you take the lead as the adults. So you've heard that famous example of when our son had attitude. And I was like, hey, when you're ready, why don't you grab some salsa, I'll get the chips, I'll meet you on the back deck, I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with. And I want to break this down a little bit more than I have in the past. Why I like it is I gave him a simple action step that he could easily do in the moment because saying, hey, change your attitude, stop being disrespectful or stop being upset. Well, I don't know how to do that, but grabbing a jar of salsa from the refrigerator is easy. There's a quick win. I didn't ask or demand that he changed his tone right away. I simply asked him to grab a jar of salsa. I invited him into my calm place on the deck so that I could help him, not lecture him about his attitude. And so I didn't have to do a long lecture about, you should just be grateful. See, now I have my child moving with a specific activity in mind, a purposeful focus. I've moved from kind of this toxic environment where we were yelling to a new setting. I've introduced some fresh air, being outside, if you can. I've given my child an out, a chance to regroup. That is really important in that moment, because you and I, as adults, in our adult relationships with our spouses, sometimes we react, we say something stupid, we're embarrassed, and we sometimes just want an out. Right? So I gave him an out, a chance to regroup. I also gave myself an opportunity to regroup as well. I'm going to go grab the chips and I'll meet you out there. It's a lot better than a timeout, timeout. Sit and brood over why you're in trouble and you're going to lose your screens or your snack. Right? That never works. When we sit down, I can break the ice in a more relaxed, non confrontational tone. So we're sitting with our feet up, eating chips and salsa, which is for. At least it's naturally relaxing. Just think about this. Have you ever seen two people eating chips and salsa, yelling at each other? No. Right. Throwing a couple margaritas and everybody's happy. But honestly, that dynamic is much more conducive to a conversation with problem solving than standing with my hands on hips barking at my son to change his attitude. And I'm not being funny here. Chips and salsa saved my relationship with Casey in many ways, because I was on Casey from the moment he was born. And it's like nothing he could do was ever good enough for me. And I kind of crushed him at times with my words, with dismissive looks. But when we began learning how to problem solve and eating chips and salsa, I was sitting positive. I was building him up. I was teaching him, helping him, problem solving. And I think the reason we are so close today is precisely because we shared these highly intense moments together. But we learned how to work through them. And so there's a bonding that happens during that time. And in our home, our code word, when someone was getting upset was chips and salsa. It was just a fun reminder to chill and problem solve. So I encourage you, come up with a fire drill so you are prepared. I'd have a list on your refrigerator when, not if, our child or if I as the adult get upset. Here are five different things we could do in that moment that give us a sense of control that's very specific, that doesn't always require eye contact. So practice a fire drill in your home, because these situations will happen again for many of you, probably later today. Let your kids listen to the podcasts and the programs so they learn how to control themselves and calm themselves down when they're upset. These are really bright kids who are good in the adult world, and so let's practice that this week. I hope for all of you that your kids have some kind of intense meltdown in the next 24 hours. You're welcome. They're going to do it anyway, whether I wish it upon you or not, because it is an opportunity to teach lifelong skills and for you to grow up more and have this bond with your kids. Look, I appreciate you working so hard at this. So much respect for you. Thanks for sharing the podcast. If you need help with anything, reach out to us. But we love you, we respect you, and you're doing an awesome job. Moms and dads, you're breaking generational patterns. That is so cool. All right, talk to you next time. Love you. Bye.