"My addiction was helping, until..." (Episode 14)

Summary

Podcast Summary: Can I Walk With You?

Episode 14 – "My addiction was helping, until..."

Host: Thoraya
Guest: Dylan
Date: October 16, 2025
Location: New York City

---

Episode Overview

Kicking off Season One from the bustling streets of New York City, Thoraya shares a spontaneous and deeply honest walk-and-talk with Dylan, a visitor marking their first year of sobriety. The conversation covers sobriety, self-acceptance, the evolving role of addiction, creativity, and how New York inspires personal reinvention. Dylan opens up about the transformation brought by leaving addiction behind, the rebirth of their artistic life, and the courage required to own one’s story.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Dylan’s Journey to Sobriety

• Dylan is celebrating one year sober, marking not just a personal milestone but a journey toward self-understanding and creative rebirth.

  "I am celebrating my first year of sobriety...and this is also my first leisure travel since getting sober. And it's very different when you're not going from bar to bar..." (00:12)

• Sobriety came not through a dramatic “bottom,” but through trying to stop, discovering increased clarity, and gradually shifting focus to self-care and art.
• Sobriety demystified Dylan's sense of New York and his place in the world:

  "I used to put New York on a pedestal...turns out I can." (00:50)

2. Honest Reflections on Addiction

• Dylan frames addiction as an initially helpful tool:

  "For me, I had to acknowledge that the alcohol was helping...it was medicinal to a point." (02:18)

• Underneath the numbing, the pain and trauma persisted. Sobriety required confronting that pain and re-examining every life structure:

  "It required a deconstruction of my whole life, and I'm very lucky. That was doable for me." (03:31)

• Dylan rejects shame about time spent with addiction and emphasizes compassion for others on their own path:

  "I'm thankful for my experiences. I'm thankful that I didn't hurt people other than myself... There comes a point where you're numbing, numbing, numbing, and the cons outweigh the pros." (04:06)

3. Accepting Pain & Redesigning Life

• The journey is not about erasing the past, but integrating it:

  "I hated it in here. And so alcohol and weed and whatever else...Now a year later, I like myself, and I like it in here. We've redecorated in here. We put new curtains up inside, you know?" (04:47)

• Discusses socially acceptable “addictions,” like workaholism.

  "Workaholism. I was doing that as well. I was getting lost in my job because I didn't want to work on myself." (06:01)

4. Advice for Others on Sobriety

• Sobriety is highly personal and must be chosen for oneself:

  "You have to do it for yourself. You're not gonna get sober for your partner or for your kids...You have to choose that you are worth it." (06:14)

• Recognizing and validating one’s pain is crucial:

  "I used to downplay it and be like, oh, I'm not really traumatized. I'm not really depressed. No, I really am. It's really bad." (07:16)

5. A Pivotal Turning Point

• There was a subtle but significant moment of clarity after a night out:

  "I was with this girl I was dating and one of my oldest friends...I was so unhappy I was at this bar. I didn't even like this bar. I was so hurt, but I couldn't express it...I don't want to be that person. Like, that's not me." (07:36 – 08:41)

• That experience led to the decision to try sobriety, first for a week, then a month, then ongoing.

6. Reclaiming Creative Identity

• Dylan describes his project as a sound artist, combining field recordings and abstract experimentation:

  "My project is called A Sharpened Whisper...I'm finding my own language with it." (11:51)

• Released their first record, “Honey, I Mischanneled the Oracle,” which took six years to create:

  "I just finished my first record and put that out into the world on a silver cd...The record I finished has been six years of work, 2018 to 2024, 37 minutes. And I'm really happy with it." (12:52)

• Shares the poetic tracklist as an example of art-as-poetry and world building. (13:42)

7. Vulnerability & The Value of Sharing

• Dylan discusses the vulnerability of sharing personal, experimental art:

  "It helps everyone. When you're vulnerable and you share something you've made, it casts light on everything else...the vulnerability of sharing something, that's the price you pay for having channeled and created something." (15:47)

• The act of valuing one’s own work, regardless of audience reaction:

  "Pretty much when I feel insecure, I go back and listen to it and I'm like, oh, yeah, I believe in this. This weird little thing I made." (15:12)

8. Message for the Audience: Permission & Purpose

• Dylan’s closing advice is grounded in believing in oneself and giving oneself permission:

  "You already know what your purpose is. Deep down...there's no qualifications that you need. You just get out of your own way and pursue it. But it's like, no-one...you can't wait for permission. No one's going to give you permission. You have to give yourself permission." (18:43)

• Confidence not only changes self-perception but also how the world responds:

  "If you believe you're good enough on a deep level, suddenly the whole world changes. Carry that with you into the room. People pick up on that." (19:02)

• Final, succinct advice:

  "Get out of your own way. That's my advice." (20:10)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On sobriety and self-worth:

  "Now a year later, I like myself. And I like it in here. We've redecorated in here." – Dylan (04:47)

• On addiction as adaptation:

  "It was medicinal to a point. It was helping. And now that I took that out of the picture, all of a sudden, here's the pain. Here it is. You get to confront it every day." – Dylan (02:33)

• On sharing vulnerability as an artist:

  "The vulnerability of sharing something—that’s the price you pay for having channeled and created something." – Dylan, quoting Rick Rubin (16:21)

• On self-authorization:

  "You can't wait for permission. No one's going to give you permission. You have to give yourself permission." – Dylan (19:00)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:12 – Dylan introduces the purpose of their visit; the connection between sobriety and finding inspiration.
• 02:18 – Dylan candidly explains why addiction “was helping” until it began to hinder life.
• 04:47 – Describes learning to like oneself after a year of sobriety.
• 06:14 – Importance of pursuing sobriety for one's own sake.
• 07:36 – 08:41 – Pivotal moment leading to Dylan’s decision to quit drinking.
• 11:27 – Dylan shares about their art and project “A Sharpened Whisper.”
• 13:42 – Recites the poetic tracklist, showcasing the world-building in their music.
• 15:47 – Value and risks of vulnerability in creative expression.
• 18:43 – 19:00 – Dylan's final message about self-permission and purpose.

---

Tone & Atmosphere

The episode’s tone is raw, introspective, and authentic—balancing deep self-examination with gentle humor and lively city energy. Thoraya’s approach is warm and curious, enabling Dylan to share openly about difficult and triumphant moments alike. The conversation carries a sense of hope, resilience, and creative new beginnings.

---

Resources Mentioned

• Dylan’s Music Project:
  • A Sharpened Whisper
  • Album: Honey, I Mischanneled the Oracle
  • Bandcamp: sharpwhisper.bandcamp.com

---

Takeaway Message

Dylan’s story is a testament to the courage of starting over, facing buried pain, rebuilding self-love, and finding purpose. The journey to wholeness comes not from waiting for outside validation, but from giving yourself permission to be enough—right now, as you are.

"Get out of your own way." – Dylan (20:10)

Transcript

[A]

What was your name?

[B]

Dylan.

[A]

Dylan.

[B]

And you're Thuraya Tharaya.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's good to meet you.

[A]

Nice to meet you too. You said you're not from New York. Are you visiting?

[B]

Yeah, it's my second time visiting.

[A]

What are you doing out here this time?

[B]

I am celebrating my first year of sobriety.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Which is a big deal. Alcohol, sobriety. The reason why I came here is because people are doing things all the time and I miss that energy of just like, art is not underground here. It's just a way of life. And I just wanted to get inspired for that. And this is also my first leisure travel since getting sober. And it's very different when you're not going from bar to bar, which is. I used to live like that. I liked nightlife and, you know, partying. And it's very different now that I'm here for my own inspiration.

[A]

What has that been like?

[B]

Like I'm on an even ground with people. I. I used to put New York on the pedestal or other people on pedestals, you know, like, oh, they're doing this. I wish I could do that. And it turns out I can.

[A]

You think sobriety has helped with that?

[B]

It's helped, yeah. It's kind of gone hand in hand. And it wasn't like a. I didn't, I didn't act. I didn't like, decide that I needed to get sober. I just tried. I was like, okay, let's try not drinking for a while. And it turned into, oh, actually this is opening up a lot more resources. It's opening up a lot more. I didn't realize how it was hindering me. So the sobriety came along at the same time when I gave my art project a name and really started taking it seriously. And so it kind of came at the same time. And my life now is very different from what it was one year ago internally. Even though I'm still living in the same place and have the same job, it's just like a. Oh, refocus. Oh, actually look at what's possible when you care for yourself.

[A]

Wow. I have a couple of follow up questions on that, if you're okay. Are you okay with.

[B]

Yeah, I'll let you know. I have good boundaries, so I'll let you know if I'm not okay with that.

[A]

Amazing. I love that. Okay, so do you mind sharing some advice on, like, for other people who are on their, like, sobriety journey?

[B]

Yeah. This is just. I mean, there's no one size fits all, but I can share my perspective.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And that is, you have to acknowledge, for me, I had to acknowledge that the alcohol was helping. It was a good thing for me because the pain was so great, and it was a tool that I had to numb the pain. And it worked for a very long time. The problem is that underneath that, the pain is still there. It's not going anywhere. I have a lot of trauma, and the alcohol was helping me essentially become someone else. Addiction is the same as the people pleasing or when you are trying to change yourself to be accepted, so there's an act of desperation. And so what I had to do or what I chose to do for myself was I had to think, like, I don't have any shame about the time I spent in addiction. I don't even know how I feel about those terms. But it's more like it was medicinal to a point. It was helping. And now that I took that out of the picture, all of a sudden, here's the pain. Here it is. You get to confront it every day. Okay, now I have to realize, what are my relationships? I need to build new relationships. What are my priorities? It required a deconstruction of my whole life, and I'm very lucky. That was doable for me. I'm single, I live alone. I have a stable job. And so it was disruptive, but it was doable. Now some people quit drinking and they find themselves in an unhappy relationship or whatever. They are now stuck in their circumstances. And I've noticed this when I went to aa, and I don't like aa. It's not for me, but it's helpful for a lot of people. But then. And I can see it in other people, and they're, like, struggling, struggling, struggling not to drink. And they need to be there, and they always need inspiration to stop using. But it's because, in my perspective, it's because they are. There's other things in their life that is causing pain that they are not able to change. So I'm very lucky that I was able to do that. But, yeah, it's like, there's reasons for it. There's reason for that. And so I'm thankful for my experiences. I'm thankful that I didn't hurt people other than myself. I didn't, like, burn out catastrophically. I just realized this is not. This is not helping. There comes a point where you're numbing, numbing, numbing, and the cons outweigh the pros. You know, like, I'm not living. I can't wake up in the morning. I'm always Miserable, and then you're running away from yourself. Also, you want. You are using to change yourself because you hate it in here. That's how I felt. I hated it in here. And so alcohol and weed and whatever else. I was just saying, like, let's change this, because I don't like being myself. And now a year later, I like myself, and I like it in here. We've redecorated in here. We put new curtains up inside, you know? Yeah. That's what I have to say about that.

[A]

Yeah. I met, like, a couple weeks ago, I met someone else. I think she was just celebrating two years of being sober, and I asked her the same thing. I was like, so what made you want to do it? And she said she was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And, like. Yeah. I mean, I can't relate to it on the level of addiction, but I think that advice is good for a lot of people. I think a lot of people hide from who they truly are or, like, the pain they have through other things. I think I do it in a way by, like, working really hard.

[B]

Yes. Workaholism. I was doing that as well. I was getting lost in my job because I didn't want to work on myself. So, like, oh, give me more tasks, because then I can just drink coffee and not think and not feel.

[A]

You do that now, or you used to?

[B]

I used to, yeah. I've gotten better at it. And that's socially acceptable because. Because that gets you praise from your colleague. But, yeah, it's not great. And then the other thing, along with that, I would like to add, you have to do it for yourself. You're not gonna get sober for your partner or for your kids, maybe for your kid. I don't know. But it's not gonna be the same. You have to choose that. You have to choose that you are worth it if you're doing it because someone else wants you to or you feel guilty or, you know, whatever.

[A]

You want to stop here for a second? I want to keep going. I wanted to see if I could get you a cup of tea, too. There was one, like, right across the street.

[B]

Sure. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay, cool. But keep going.

[B]

That's it. And I don't have anything more profound. You know, some people struggle more than me or less than me. I don't know. It's like my own journey. I don't want to say that I have the definitive advice. It's all so different for people. But I do know that the pain I felt was really real. And I had to acknowledge that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, I used to downplay it and be like, oh, I'm not really traumatized. I'm not really depressed. No, I really am. It's really bad. And.

[A]

So it wasn't like a pivotal moment, really. It was more like, I want to try it. And then you notice the, like, what.

[B]

You thought there was a pivotal moment? There was an evening I had been drinking all through Thanksgiving, and it was really silly. It wasn't, like, the worst thing in the world, but I was with this girl I was dating and one of my oldest friends, and we were all bickering at the bar about who was flirting with who. And, like, the bartender was involved somehow, and I got so insecure, and I was so unhappy I was at this bar. I didn't even like this bar. It was a sports bar. Like, what am I doing here? And I was so hurt, but I couldn't express it. And somehow I realized, like, I'm being an asshole. I'm being passive aggressive. I'm like, okay, why don't you go home with him? You know, that kind of thing. And so, you know, no one was even mad at me. I think it was just, like, a weird situation. But the next day, I was just like, I don't want to be that person. Like, that's not me. Why am I putting myself in an environment I don't like with people who I feel insecure with? And then I'm sitting here paying $5 drinking, paying $5 drinking, and I'm feeling worse and worse and worse. And meanwhile, they're playing a sports game. I don't care about listening to music I don't want to listen to. The lighting is bad. Like, what am I doing here? I'm not working on my art. And so that was a pivotal moment. But it started with just like, okay, one week, and then a month. And after a month, I was like, okay, we're done now. Like, done forever.

[A]

I would love to get you a cup of tea. And then I want to ask you about your art, if that's okay. Let's do that. Yeah. Yeah, this place is good. Maybe we'll just look at the menu before we go in.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Let me grab my phone.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Let's go over to the side here.

[B]

So you've done this before? You know how to talk to people and film things?

[A]

Yeah, I've been doing my YouTube channel for seven years. But this specific series, it's been a struggle. Todd, would you agree that this has been the one? It's like. It's really out of my element. I'm not usually in front of the camera. I'm usually behind it, but, you know.

[B]

Well, then you and I both, then. Do you live here?

[A]

I'm from San Diego.

[B]

Okay, cool.

[A]

Yeah. But I'm visiting for this, and I'm thinking about moving here. What you said in the beginning how, like, you just come here and get inspired.

[B]

Yeah. It's just a different pace. It's a different energy.

[A]

Yeah, I love it.

[B]

And everyone's so beautiful in a very authentic way.

[A]

Their outfits.

[B]

And you're from Southern California, so, you know, the other side, where people are beautiful, but they are sculpted and on display, which is fine. But, yeah, there's like a ruggedness. Like, you can get people's energy. Like. Yeah, it's sexy, but, like, in a.

[A]

Real way, I prefer this kind of beauty. Yeah, I do agree. Like, there is beauty on both sides, but I think I fit more better on the New York side of things.

[B]

This is great. Okay, everybody's out today. All the freaks. That's right. All the freaks. All the freaks came out.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

Sandy.

[A]

Hi. Hi. Can I get a vanilla latte? We don't have any flavors. You don't have any? Just a regular latte then. That sounds good.

[B]

What kind of iced tea do you have? The one.

[C]

We have three batches in English.

[B]

Breakfast.

[A]

This.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

We also have a chai, and then we have the teas up there. We can ice anything.

[B]

Okay. Could I get an iced chamomile, please?

[C]

Anything else?

[A]

I think that's it.

[B]

That's it.

[A]

Y and your name? Thaya T H O R A Y A oh, sorry. Oh, I can't.

[C]

That I stole.

[A]

Thank you. Are you ready?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Yeah. Let me just. All right, so I want to hear more about your art.

[B]

Yeah, I'm a sound artist.

[A]

A sound artist?

[B]

Sound artist. Yeah. Or you could say musician. But what I'm making right now is more in the abstract realm. But I think it'll come to. I think eventually I will do songs and. And, you know, music. Music. But right now it's in the ambient and experimental realm.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

My project is called A Sharpened Whisper.

[A]

A Sharpened Whisper?

[B]

Yeah. I make recordings of. I have an archive of field recordings I've made In the past 10 years or so, and I've actually made some today. I have my little microphone with me, and then I chop those up over time. I archive them, and then I chop them up and play with them and put them through delays and effects, use them as samples. I'm finding my own. My own language with it. It's like, not. Yeah. I don't know how to describe it, but I'm okay with that. I just finished my first record and put that out into the world on a silver cd, which I was really happy that I was able to make a factory press cd. And I did the artwork and design and brought this physical thing into the world. That was about a month ago I released that. The title is Honey, I Mischanneled the Oracle and it's the artist is Wild dill and a sharpened whisper. So there's some world building going on. The record I finished has been six years of work, 2018 to 2024, 37 minutes. And I'm really happy with it. I don't know. I don't know how to. It's hard to be like, listen to this weird thing I made. But it's already doing. It's already living. And there's, you know, it's just out there. Would you mind if I just keep going?

[A]

Yeah, of course. Keep going.

[B]

For me, it's almost sculpture. These are like little, tiny, little tiny sound sculptures. They don't have chorus, they don't have song forms, but it's like a little landscape. That's how I describe it. It's hard to put it into words. And if you don't mind, I'm going to share the track list because it's a poem in itself.

[A]

Yeah, please.

[B]

Yeah, if I can remember it. And so it's just 12 lines, but it would be premonitions, Mirage, shattered glass. Ballerina having lots of visions lately. She is weaving a stairway, not mutual. Shimmering earth. That's the first half. And then the empty mirror. Diane preparing mushrooms. Birds transmitting data. Clockmaker is typing. Orb maker is whispering. Honey, I mischanneled the oracle.

[A]

Let's go down this way.

[B]

Yeah, but what's interesting is, like, choosing to take myself seriously and not waiting for someone else to find me. Not waiting for someone else who has a record label to be like, I like what you're doing. Let me put it up. I was like, I like what I'm doing. I'm creating a world. I'm creating this thing. I'm very happy with it. So I'm just going to make it sound as good as I can and give it its own glory. And maybe it will be ignored. Maybe my friends will laugh at me. Maybe nobody cares. And I'll be sitting with 100 CDs in my closet.

[A]

Wait for that.

[B]

Yeah, but. But that is the magic of it. When you just Say, this is good enough. It's good enough for me. I listen to my album every day. Like, I don't care if anyone. Pretty much when I feel insecure, I go back and listen to it and I'm like, oh, yeah, I believe in this. This weird little thing I made. Wow. This is strange to say out loud. This is really.

[A]

Have you never.

[B]

This is really.

[A]

Oh, it's dead. Okay, we'll stand here for a second. Why is that strange to say out loud?

[B]

I don't know. It's just because these are. You can tell I really believe this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But it's. These are thoughts that I feel like I have to keep inside, you know? I don't know. It's just very vulnerable. It's just very intimate. And it's like. And also, who cares? I'm used to putting myself down like other people are making art. Who cares about my art? I'm this. I'm this person, you know, I'm this privileged person who. Do I have a perspective that matters? I don't know. Everyone else's perspectives are so good. Why would I waste people's time sharing my own? But actually, it helps everyone. When you're vulnerable and you share something you've made, it casts light on everything else. And who said this? I think Rick Rubin said that the vulnerability of sharing something, that's the price you pay for having channeled and created something. Right.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

I got to create this thing in my private world that I'm really happy with, and now I kind of have a duty to share it, even though I don't know how it's going to be received. It's like, well, let's just put it out there.

[A]

Yeah. You're playing your part.

[B]

Yeah. Playing my part. Yeah. It's not just about me. Like, everything. Everything. I'm in the conversation now, you know, where.

[A]

If. So if I wanted to buy one or something.

[B]

Yeah. It's on my Bandcamp. Sharpwhisper.bandcamp.com Sharp whisper.

[A]

Just the way. It's usually spelled.

[B]

Just the way.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Sharp Whisper. And there you can stream or download or order a cd, and I will mail you one.

[A]

And you're not on. Are you also on Spotify?

[B]

Not yet. For now, I like the idea that this is a little artifact that you have to put some effort into finding.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Eventually I will probably get things up there.

[A]

I'm so excited to listen.

[B]

Okay, great. Well, I'm excited. I'm not sure. It's hard. It's hard to promote things, and then I'm like, you might not like it. I don't know. It's pretty weird. It was a little abrasive, but yeah. Well, thank you for your interest. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to talk about it.

[A]

I want to get on your level. Seeing the world. Okay. Yeah.

[B]

It's one day at a time.

[A]

We'll like, pause in a couple. Tada. Go up a little bit more, and then we'll stop. And I kind of want to ask you what your. If you could leave one. Leave my audience with one message, what would you want to tell them?

[B]

Oh, big question. Okay. Give me a second to.

[A]

Yeah, you could take your time, think about it.

[B]

Yeah. Should we keep going?

[A]

No, here's good. If we go up a little more, I'm scared the street's going to be too loud.

[B]

Okay, I think I got it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You already know what your purpose is. Deep down, the thing if you ask what's your purpose or what your passion is, Whatever it is. Like, you probably already. There's something coming up, probably at least for me, and that's safe to follow. You know, there's no qualifications that you need. You just get out of your own way and pursue it. But it's like, no one. You can't wait for permission. No one's going to give you permission. You have to give yourself permission. If you believe you're good enough on a deep level, suddenly the whole world changes. Carry that with you into the room. People pick up on that. I said, hi, I'm a sound artist. A year ago, I would have cringed, like, okay, oh, yeah. You look like a sound artist. Like, yeah, you're okay. Like, who are you? That's pretentious. What the f? You know, like, in my head, I start critiquing myself, but I somehow, in the last year, I flipped that and I was like, no, I'm good enough and I know what I'm doing, and I have a vision and I believe in it, and it's not apparent to everyone. I tell people, yeah, I'm doing this music project called Wild Dill and a Sharpened Whisper. And people are like, okay, great. You know, can I. Can I. Can I play a show? We don't have anything, you know, like, it's a hard sell.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But it doesn't matter. You build your own thing. I don't know. Is this making sense?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. No, it really is.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Get out of your own way. That's my advice.

[A]

Did you have a good time? Was this fun?

[B]

Yeah. What a thrill. Wasn't expecting to be on stage.

[A]

I'm so glad, because first you were about to not do it.

[B]

Yeah, I was like, oh, I don't know. What is this? Really easy to talk to, though.

[A]

Really nice.

[B]

And I appreciate your thoughtfulness. And what was your name again? Tara. Tara. Thanks for being part of this. What a weird treat. Well, have a great evening.

[A]

Yeah, we'll stay in touch. Bye.