Podcast Summary: "ADHD & Intimacy: The Physical Intimacy Issues No One Talks About – Part 1"
Change Your Brain Every Day
Hosts: Dr. Daniel Amen & Tana Amen
Release Date: March 10, 2025
Introduction
In the compelling first part of their series on ADHD and intimacy, New York Times bestselling authors Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen delve deep into the nuanced challenges that ADHD presents in romantic and physical relationships. This episode, titled "ADHD & Intimacy: The Physical Intimacy Issues No One Talks About – Part 1," explores how ADHD affects focus, impulsivity, emotional regulation, and ultimately, intimacy between partners.
Understanding ADHD vs. ADD
Dr. Daniel Amen begins by clarifying the often-confused terms ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder).
"[00:36] A: ...ADD, ADHD, low dopamine. Medications we use specifically increase dopamine."
He traces the history of the diagnostic terminology, explaining that the shift from ADD to ADHD in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) in 1987 inadvertently excluded many individuals, particularly girls who predominantly exhibit the inattentive type.
"[02:02] A: ...they changed the name to adhd, highlighting the hyperactive component, which basically threw out half the people, right. Who had it."
Tana Amen adds personal insight into the gender disparities in diagnosis, sharing her own experience with ADHD:
"[10:22] B: ...I scanned my mom, you scanned my uncle, you scanned my dad, you scanned everybody in my family. And my mom had terrible add, like, really bad add. And it explains my childhood."
Impact of ADHD on Relationships
The hosts discuss how ADHD is a brain-based condition that significantly impacts relationships. Dr. Amen shares an anecdote about a patient, Sandy, whose untreated ADHD led to marital conflicts and a suicide attempt.
"[04:44] A: ...how ADD and ADHD affects focus, impulsivity, emotions, and relationships, and that includes intimacy."
Tana emphasizes that many couples struggle with connection and communication, especially when ADHD is unmanaged:
"[01:26] B: ...so if you and your partner or one of you or both of you have ADHD, you're not alone. And there's good news."
They highlight that ADHD can lead to feelings of neglect, misunderstandings, and emotional outbursts, which strain the relationship.
ADHD and Intimacy/Sex
A significant portion of the discussion centers on how ADHD specifically affects physical intimacy:
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Focus and Distractibility: ADHD individuals often struggle to maintain focus during intimate moments, which are crucial for achieving orgasm.
"[00:00] A: ...you have to pay attention to the feeling long enough to make it happen. So they're often easily distracted..."
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Sensitivity to Touch: Misaligned touch can lead to discomfort, likened to "nails on a chalkboard."
"[00:00] A: ...they're sensitive to touch. So if you touch them the wrong way, it can be sort of like nails on a chalkboard."
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Rejection Sensitivity Syndrome: ADHD can cause individuals to fear rejection, making vulnerable moments like sex particularly challenging.
"[21:31] A: ...with ADD, there's also rejection sensitivity syndrome. And so because they've been in trouble a lot in their life, they're sort of looking to be rejected."
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Conflict Seeking: Some with ADHD may unintentionally seek conflict as a stimulant, which can disrupt intimacy.
"[30:48] B: ...so add, it affects both partners in a relationship."
Coping Strategies and Solutions
Dr. Amen and Tana offer actionable strategies to improve intimacy for couples where one or both partners have ADHD:
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Assessment and Treatment:
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Dr. Amen: Emphasizes the importance of getting assessed and treated properly to manage ADHD symptoms effectively.
"[33:07] A: ...if you notice you have add, go get assessed. Because the treatment literally can change the trajectory of the rest of your life."
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Medication and Natural Dopamine Boosters:
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Medications like Ritalin can help increase dopamine levels, mitigating ADHD symptoms.
"[23:36] B: ...the proper doses through a doctor are therapeutic. And doing illegal doses of methamphetamine will ruin your life."
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Natural methods include exercise, a healthy diet, Omega-3 supplements, and mindfulness practices.
"[27:50] B: There's a lot of natural things you can do... exercise, healthy diet, supplements like Omega 3s."
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Communication Techniques:
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Open and empathetic communication is crucial. Instead of blaming, partners should express their feelings and work on solutions together.
"[37:25] A: ...don't blame it. Acknowledge ADHD's impact without making it personal."
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Creating Rituals for Connection:
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Setting aside regular times for intimacy can help ensure that ADHD partners remain engaged and present.
"[33:07] A: ...create rituals for connections. Set times for intimacy so the ADHD partner doesn't get distracted or forget."
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Managing Stress and Cortisol Levels:
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Chronic stress associated with ADHD can deplete testosterone, affecting libido. Managing stress through mindfulness and organizational strategies is vital.
"[36:34] B: ...it's cortisol on me... I'm making lists and constantly feeling behind."
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Personal Anecdotes and Insights
Throughout the episode, Dr. Amen and Tana interweave personal stories that illuminate the challenges and solutions related to ADHD and intimacy:
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Dr. Amen's First Patient Experience:
"[04:44] A: ...my first scan which hooked me on imaging was with Sandy who is a 44 year old woman who the night before I met her tried to kill herself."
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Tana's Experience with Family ADHD:
"[10:27] B: ...you scanned my mom, you scanned my uncle, you scanned my dad, you scanned everybody in my family."
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Relationship Dynamics:
"[34:32] A: ...you have to be thoughtful... it's nothing personal."
These anecdotes underscore the pervasive impact of ADHD on various facets of life and relationships, emphasizing the need for understanding and tailored strategies.
Key Takeaways and Conclusions
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ADHD Significantly Impacts Intimacy: From focus issues during sex to heightened sensitivity and emotional regulation challenges, ADHD can create numerous barriers in intimate relationships.
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Proper Diagnosis and Treatment are Crucial: Understanding whether one has ADD or ADHD and seeking appropriate treatment can transform personal lives and relationships.
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Communication and Empathy are Essential: Open dialogue about needs, feelings, and challenges helps in navigating the complexities of ADHD in relationships.
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Lifestyle Modifications Aid Management: Incorporating exercise, proper nutrition, mindfulness, and structured routines can mitigate ADHD symptoms and enhance intimacy.
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Ongoing Support is Vital: Continuous effort from both partners, coupled with professional guidance, can foster a healthy and satisfying intimate relationship despite ADHD challenges.
Notable Quotes with Timestamps
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Dr. Amen on ADD vs. ADHD:
"[02:02] A: ...we made a mistake and a lot of people who have ADD are never hyperactive."
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Tana on Realizing ADHD in Her Family:
"[10:30] A: ...can I scan you?"
"[10:32] B: ...it explains my childhood."
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Dr. Amen on Changing Brain Health:
"[00:36] A: Every day you are making your brain better or you are making it worse."
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Discussion on Dopamine and Intimacy:
"[24:46] B: So low dopamine. Let's talk about that for a minute."
Conclusion
Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen provide an insightful exploration into the often-overlooked intersection of ADHD and intimacy. By blending clinical expertise with personal experiences, they offer a comprehensive guide for individuals and couples striving to enhance their relationships amidst the challenges of ADHD. This episode serves as both an educational resource and a beacon of hope, demonstrating that with understanding and the right strategies, it's possible to foster deep, meaningful, and satisfying intimate connections.
Stay Tuned: This summary covers Part 1 of the series. For more in-depth discussions on ADHD and intimacy, continue listening to upcoming episodes of Change Your Brain Every Day.