Odette Annable: On Perfectionism & the Pressure to Hold It All Together

Summary

Change Your Brain Every Day

Hosts: Dr. Daniel Amen, Tana Amen
Guest: Odette Annable
Episode Title: Odette Annable: On Perfectionism & the Pressure to Hold It All Together
Release Date: October 6, 2025

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Overview

In this episode, Dr. Daniel and Tana Amen sit down with actress Odette Annable for a vulnerable, insightful discussion on perfectionism, living with (and questioning) ADHD, communication in marriage, the toll of chronic stress, and the process—and pressure—of holding it all together as a parent and partner. The conversation explores Odette’s lifelong struggles with attention, the pressure to be perfect from a young age (in pageants, acting, and family life), difficult emotions, and practical strategies for achieving better brain health and more meaningful connection.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Language of Relationships & Communication

Timestamps: 00:00–02:48, 08:11–14:12

• Communication as a Couple: Odette and her husband Dave struggle with “not speaking the same language,” leading to conflict and missed connection. Odette identifies a need—"If we can be patient with each other and learn how to speak each other’s language, I don’t think you could touch us." (08:28)
• Role of Directness and Vulnerability: Odette shares that her “masculine energy” and directness sometimes mask her sensitivity: “I present myself as this... I have a lot of masculine energy...I have this guard up when I’m not spoken to like a baby chick. But I am the baby chick. Shouldn’t he know that?” (09:49)
• Learning to Ask for What You Need: Dr. Amen and Odette discuss how you must teach your partner what works (“You have to teach him...and you have to teach her what works and what doesn’t.” – Dr. Amen, 10:18).
• Responsibility in Relationships: Dr. Amen stresses filtering words/actions through the goal of connection: “I always have this goal…for a kind, passionate relationship, 100% of the time. But rude thoughts show up… if I’m critical, I am not going to get what I want if I’m critical.” (08:44–09:44)
• Ownership Over Behavior: You can only control your own actions, not your partner’s (12:05–13:24).

2. Navigating ADHD, Energy, and Self-Doubt

Timestamps: 03:46–07:06, 06:59–07:12

• Odette’s Struggles with Focus: Odette describes lifelong attention issues: “I would read books and my brain would just start going...I finish the book and then I’d say, well, hell, I don’t even know what I read...I feel like I’m a squirrel.” (05:32–06:59)
• Discovery of ADHD: Only realized she might have ADD/ADHD five or six years ago (05:32).
• Impact on Self-Worth: Chronic frustration and a cap on potential, despite feeling she has more to give.
• Cyclical Mood Issues: Especially before her menstrual cycle, irritability and emotional reactivity spike: “Rage the week before...road rage...I’m just like, why am I so angry?” (07:12)
• Approach to Medication: Odette is cautious about dependence on Adderall; Dr. Amen advocates for experimenting to find the best support (30:09–33:14).

3. The Heavy Legacy of Perfectionism

Timestamps: 22:47–24:53

• Childhood Pageantry: Odette started beauty pageants at age four, planting the seeds for perfectionism: “Perfect, perfectionism, had to be perfect, you know, that whole thing.” (23:04)
• Negative Impact of Winning Culture: Dr. Amen draws a distinction between “being your best” and competing to “be the best”; the latter is “the prescription for misery.” (23:29)
• Memorable Quote: “When you have to be better than other people, it separates you from them. Now, when you have to be your best, well, then you can help other people be their best too. And then that’s inclusive.” – Dr. Amen (23:29–24:47)

4. Breaking Cognitive Patterns & Building Flexibility

Timestamps: 25:26–27:41

• Rigidity and Stress: Odette’s low flexibility score and need for things to go a certain way trigger distress. Dr. Amen introduces “The Rule of 12”:
  • “Twelve things are going to go wrong. Let’s promise ourselves we’re not going to get upset until the 13th thing.” (26:00)
• Toxic Negativity: Odette’s negativity bias comes up (scoring 33), and Dr. Amen recommends routines for gratitude and positive focus:
  • “When you wake up, I want you to go, today’s going to be a great day…When you go to bed, go ‘what went well today?’ and only look for what you loved.” (27:21–28:55)

5. Lifestyle Stress, Health Habits, and the Hollywood Factor

Timestamps: 16:16–21:25

• Pain and Emotional Health: Chronic pain is linked to stress and negative patterns in the brain. (16:23–17:06)
• Alcohol and Mental Health:
  • Odette reflects on her decreasing alcohol use after negative experiences: “It doesn’t make me feel good. It feels like the worst poison ever…It’s a two to three day deal...I’m depressed, I’m anxious. It’s not it for me.” (18:53)
  • Dr. Amen questions why alcohol is omnipresent on television, highlighting the normalization of unhealthy behaviors (19:34–20:14).
• Cultural Pressures: Drinking is normalized both in the acting world and socially—Odette notes, “Props, it’s almost immediate. They have to ask you...What do you want to drink in the scene?” (19:58)
• Cognitive Dissonance: Dr. Amen encourages seeing alcohol/marijuana as poison for a healthier relationship with substance use: “No, I like myself more than that.” (21:06)

6. Optimizing Brain Health—Personalized Recommendations

Timestamps: 27:41–33:47

• Brain Scan and Results: Odette’s scan shows a healthy-looking brain but with some anxiety and ADD/ADHD features, possibly affected by past head trauma (29:10–29:47).
• Supplement and Medication Insights:
  • Dr. Amen suggests trying Focus and Energy, Peak Energy, Brin T Max, PMS Relief, Everyday Stress Relief, and experimenting with Concerta vs. Adderall.
• Consistency Challenges: Odette’s struggle isn't knowing what works, it’s sticking to habits: “Every year for New Year’s, I write one word down…and it was ‘consistency’ and I just fucking can’t do it. It’s crazy.” (32:40)
• Self-Compassion: Dr. Amen reiterates: “Every day, you win or you learn...The only thing I can control is my behavior. Does my behavior fit the goals I have for my life?” (33:47)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On perfectionism:
  • “When you have to be better than other people, it separates you from them... That’s the prescription for misery.” – Dr. Daniel Amen (23:29)
• On personal agency:
  • “How much control do you have over him? None. How much control do you have over you? Everything.” – Dr. Daniel Amen & Odette Annable (11:49–11:57)
• On ADHD symptoms:
  • “I feel like I’m a squirrel… I bounce around. If you could see the zigzags that I do all day long… At the end I’m so frustrated because I feel like I could be doing so much more, but there’s a cap to what I’m able to do, and it’s so frustrating.” – Odette Annable (06:06)
• On alcohol and the media:
  • “Why is there always alcohol? … Our children just think that’s normal.” – Dr. Daniel Amen (19:37–20:14)
• On setting the tone each day:
  • “When you wake up, I want you to go, today’s gonna be a great day… And when you go to bed at night…only looking for what you loved.” – Dr. Daniel Amen (27:21–27:41)
• On self-blame and growth:
  • “Every day, you win or you learn.” – Dr. Daniel Amen (24:47, 33:47)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Communication challenges & intro: 00:00–02:48
• ADHD symptoms and self-doubt: 05:32–07:12
• Emotional reactivity and self-critique: 07:29–09:49
• Responsibility and behavioral control: 11:49–13:24
• Perfectionism background: 22:47–24:47
• The Rule of 12 (flexibility coping skill): 25:26–26:07
• Daily positivity routine: 27:21–28:55
• Alcohol and Hollywood norms: 18:49–20:14
• Personalized supplement/medication strategies: 29:47–33:29

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Takeaways

• Perfectionism and early life pressures can deeply impact adult brain health and self-esteem.
• Communication and vulnerability are critical to connection in relationships, especially for those with different processing and emotional styles.
• Brain health is a daily practice: Responsibility, gratitude, flexibility, and experimentation are key components.
• Culture normalizes unhealthy coping mechanisms—challenging personal cognitive biases is essential for self-empowerment.
• There’s always room to experiment with what works best for you—medication, supplements, and lifestyle changes.

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End of Summary
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Transcript

[A]

We are not speaking the same language. And if we can be patient with each other and learn how to speak each other's language, I don't think you could touch us. I have a lot of masculine energy or, like, directness, and so have this guard up when I'm not spoken to in this, like. Like a baby chick. You know, our therapist says, you gotta be the baby chick if you want him to treat you like the baby chick. But I'm like, but I am the baby chick. Shouldn't he know that? He should just.

[B]

He shouldn't know anything be the baby chick. But you have to teach him. And you have teach her what works and what doesn't. Odette Annable is an American actress.

[A]

She is known for various roles in film and television, including Dr. Jessica Adams in the medical drama series House. I never thought I struggled in school, but now, looking back, I really struggled. I would read books and my brain would just start going, and then I'd finish the book and then I'd say, well, hell, I don't even know what I read. But I've always been really scattered. I bounce. I feel like I'm a squirrel. And at the end of it, I'm so frustrated because I feel like I could be doing so much more and I feel like I have so much potential, but there's a cap to what I'm able to do, and it's so frustrating.

[B]

Every day you are making your brain better or you are making it worse. Stay with us to learn how you can change your brain for the better. Every day. There are days when I need to be at my best, whether it's back to back clinic sessions, long writing days, or just keeping up with life. That's when I take peak energy from brain md. It gives me clean, steady energy without jitters or crashes. And I'm not the only one who loves it. It just won a 2025 Nextie Award, beating over 500 other supplements. If you want real energy that lasts, check it [e-mail] and use the code podcast. 20 for 20% off. Well, welcome to an incredible episode of Change youe Brain. Every day. We're gonna do family scans today, and I'm with two really incredible actors and parents, Dave and Odette Annabel. And you're gonna like this episode. Stay with us. So tell me your goal.

[A]

I'm so interested in total brain health, and it started when I noticed some differences in my daughter's brain that I was so desperate to fix. Right? And you know, for me, I've just Been going down a path of how to best help her succeed. And of course, I've completely forgotten about myself in the process. And, you know, I'm just so fascinated to learn about our brains as a couple, as individuals, learn more about Charlie's brain and kind of incorporate all of the things that we learned here and take it back home and really just. We care so much and we love so hard, but I think we can just do so much better about understanding how we work and what's ticking up here. So I'm just so thrilled that I'm here.

[B]

And to be less reactive. I'm sorry. And to be less reactive.

[A]

He's trying to make a joke, but it's about me right now. Thank you.

[B]

When do you find yourself reacting?

[A]

Whenever he makes comments like that.

[B]

Does he poke you?

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Do you have my book Healing add?

[A]

No, I need to.

[B]

There's a chapter in it called the games ADD people play. And the first game they play is let's have a problem.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

I know more about this than I want.

[A]

Yeah, Yeah.

[B]

I only love women who have add. I do not know what it is with me, but my first wife had add and I just. And I began to notice those traits in my patients. I'm like, why are you picking on him? And then I think, why is she picking on me? Yeah. And I have six children. But Caitlin was hyperactive from before birth. And when she was little, she used to run up to her brother, kick him as hard as she could, and then run away laughing. And if he didn't chase her, she'd go kick him again.

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

It was just this conflict and it's just poke, poke, poke.

[A]

Yeah. It's almost like that dopamine hit that you get. I mostly get reactive when I'm critiqued. I would say, do you think that's right.

[B]

From me? But you know, also, like with the children, I run a little. Okay, let's not. It's not all Dave's fault, you know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Tell me when you first thought you might have add.

[A]

Well, I didn't think. I. That was never even a thought in my brain up until probably five or six years ago. I always. I never thought I struggled in school, but now looking back, I really struggled. I was a hard working a B student, but I had to work really hard. I mean, I would read books and my brain would just start going. And then I'd finish the book and then I'd say, well, hell, I don't even know what I read.

[B]

And.

[A]

And so I Started seeing these patterns as I grew up that I couldn't really retain. It was hard for me to retain information. My memory, I mean, even as I've gotten older, I feel like has started to go. And I used to have great memories. So up until probably five. I would say five or six years ago. But I've always been really scattered. I've never been able. I bounce. I feel like I'm a squirrel. You know, like there's. It's just. I can't. I'll go into a room, I'll get everything done. I'm. I can be very productive, but I bounce around. I mean, if you could see the zigzags that I do all day long. And at the end of it, I'm so frustrated because I feel like I could be doing so much more, and I feel like I have so much potential, but there's a cap to what I'm able to do, and it's so frustrating.

[B]

Okay. I'm like a squirrel. I wrote that down. Tired?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Especially the last two years. Worse. With your cycle.

[A]

Yeah. Rage the week before. Like, you can't say anything to me. Obviously not him. Forget about it. But just, like, road rage. I mean, like, if any. If anybody cuts me off, I'm just like, why am I so angry?

[B]

Have you had your hormones tested?

[A]

Yes, I'm in the process of doing that. You know, nothing is too elevated. Some things we're kind of trying to manage, but I tried testosterone. My hair was falling out.

[B]

Was your testosterone low?

[A]

A little on the lower side. It wasn't alarming, but it was on the lower side. Yeah.

[B]

I make something called Brin T Max.

[A]

Yeah. Give it to me.

[B]

That can help. Yeah, Naturally.

[A]

Yeah, I'll take it. I'll take all of the things. Those are for you. What's your goal with Dave in our marriage?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think if we could nail one thing, I think we would be smooth cruising, and it's communication. We are not speaking the same language. And if we can be patient with each other and learn how to speak each other's language, I don't think you could touch us. I mean, we are.

[B]

So what's the goal? Articulate the goal for me. I'll give you mine.

[A]

Okay. Connection.

[B]

I always have this goal.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

100% of the time. I don't always feel like it, but I always have it. And so then I filter everything I say and everything I do through with Tana. When I'm kind, caring, loving, supportive, passionate relationship, I want that 100% of the time. But rude thoughts show up. Hermey is like, you're a bitch.

[A]

I've got worse. Yep.

[B]

Unless I'm drunk and I don't drink. That thought never gets out. Right. Because thoughts just show up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That aren't helpful.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm like, oh, you could criticize her. I'm like, she doesn't do well with criticism.

[A]

No, I don't.

[B]

I am not gonna get the passionate part of what I want if I'm critical.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Right. Because she grew up in trauma. She's sensitive. Right.

[A]

That's the thing. I'm actually quite sensitive. But I present myself as this. Like, I have a lot of masculine energy or, like, directness. And so there, you know, it's like you almost. I have this guard up when I'm not spoken to in this, like. Like a baby chick, you know, Our therapist says, you know, like, you gotta drop the dragon. You gotta be the baby chick if you want him to treat you like the baby chick. But I'm like, but I am the baby chick. Shouldn't he know that? He should just.

[B]

He shouldn't know anything.

[A]

Be the baby chick.

[B]

You have to teach him. Right. And you have to teach her what works and what doesn't. Because what are the top two things you do that piss him off?

[A]

I'll walk away. So maybe like a form of abandonment, communication, stonewalling. Yeah, sure.

[B]

Do you know Gottman's work? It's great. If you don't know John Gottman.

[A]

I've heard his podcast before, and he's so great.

[B]

He's so great.

[A]

Yes, I do that. And, yeah, I'll shut down if he. It's just.

[B]

Okay, so that's one. Tell me the second one. Walk away the second one, and I'll.

[A]

Shut down in the middle of the conversation. Right. Is that. Is that what it is?

[B]

Yes. You have a question?

[A]

Well, I'm asking.

[B]

I'm asking you because I want. I want it from you. What are the two things you do that bring him close to you?

[A]

When I'm vulnerable and when I'm able to communicate my feelings without being reactive.

[B]

Okay, So I just want you back to the goal. What's the goal with him? Connection.

[A]

Gentle kindness. Passion. Connection. Healthy communication.

[B]

Okay. And how much control do you have over him?

[A]

None.

[B]

None. And how much control do you have over you?

[A]

Everything. I mean, I'd like to have more control over things, but I have this.

[B]

Acronym I like when I teach relationships. It's relating, and the R is responsibility. And it's not about Blame. And it actually came from a story that Tana told me. She grew up in crazy. Her uncle was murdered in a drug deal gone wrong. One of her first memories. And the guy responsible for that was her other uncle, who anyways, tried to kill himself, went to jail. He was a mess. Years later, he's teaching for Jack Canfield. And Tana has thyroid cancer. And she goes to Hawaii where he's teaching. And Bobby asks, how much responsibility do you want for your situation? She goes, it's cancer. It's not my fault. He goes, I didn't ask you about blame. Responsibility is just your ability to respond to the situation. You want 50%, you want a hundred percent. She goes, oh, I want a hundred percent. And so when you know what you want, you just gotta ask yourself, is my behavior getting me what I want? Because the only one I'm responsible for is myself.

[A]

For sure. Yeah.

[B]

And both of you, because you've been married how long?

[A]

It'll be 15 years, October 10th.

[B]

So there's all sorts of memories and trauma. And when your emotional brain is busy and both of yours.

[A]

I was 22 when we met.

[B]

Both of you. Emotional brains are busy. You can filter things through negativity in the past. And I want you to focus on what you like more than what you go, what's the goal? Is the goal kindness, compassion, communication, connection? Okay, if I say that, and am I getting what I want? Because both of you. What you want, I would bet, is goodness.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Right. You want a family that works and you want careers that soar. You want health. And so it's not selfish. A lot of people go, oh, it's selfish. It's like, well, what do you want? And is your behavior getting you what you want?

[A]

Definitely not. Probably need to work that.

[B]

That is, in my mind, it's the most freeing thing, the most empowering thing is I know I could go home right now and screw it up. I get her to yell at me in under 20 seconds, maybe under 10. Right. If I'm condescending.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

I belittle her.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If I make her feel small.

[A]

Yeah. Criticize.

[B]

She'll bite me.

[A]

Yep. Hard bite. Got a good bite.

[B]

And if you're in a vulnerable time of your cycle. Right. The ants.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Are in charge.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But then that's. It's like, oh, no. I'm responsible for.

[A]

Yeah. I have control.

[B]

I have control.

[A]

I need to work on the control part. That's for sure.

[B]

Cuban blood.

[A]

That's perfect timing.

[B]

She drinks it for breakfast. A little bit wound Tight back pain. Did you know that physical and emotional pain run on the same circuits in the brain? And they fuel each other to keep you in pain. In my new book, change your brain, change your pain, I'll show you how to break free from what I call the doom loop and step into a healing loop that can transform your life. Less pain, more joy. It's absolutely possible. Pre order my new book now and receive special bonus gifts at. Change your brain changeyourpainbook.com when you have. When you feel back pain, if you feel it for more than a few weeks, it's burning circuits in your brain.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[B]

And you have to get your brain healthy in order to get rid of the pain. I had dinner with my cardiologist six months ago. He's scheduled for surgery because he had back pain for four years.

[A]

Really?

[B]

And because he had an abnormal mri. Your MRI is not that abnormal. But.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But right.

[A]

Showed. Yeah.

[B]

Do you know how many people your age have abnormal back MRIs?

[A]

Right in the middle. Right in the middle.

[B]

40%. Yeah. My age. 70%.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

People have abnormal MRIs who have no pain. 40%.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. That was the big aha for me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like. It's not the mri, Right. It's the chronic stress you're under. A little tiny bit of Adderall. And I would probably argue it's a tiny bit because it's not quite right. And you just start Xanax. I'd lose the Xanax. It increases your risk.

[A]

Yeah, that was kind of a habit that just became. I don't even know if I necessarily need it. It was just something like, oh, you know, when you're like, oh, I don't know if I'll be able to sleep if I don't take it or working. I'm like, I need to sleep. Okay, let me just take a little bit. And I. I don't think I make.

[B]

Something called put me to sleep.

[A]

That's too.

[B]

The hypnosis. Sleep audio is great.

[A]

Great.

[B]

I get notes from people all over the world. Love going to bed with you.

[A]

Yeah. Perfect.

[B]

You have great blood flow in your brain. I don't have any labs on you. Mom with breast cancer.

[A]

I did send labs over, though.

[B]

You did?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I haven't seen it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You were a motor vehicle accident.

[A]

Yes, when I was in high school.

[B]

I don't see it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Drinking much now?

[A]

Not as much as, you know, I've never been a solo drinker. You know, not really at home, but socially for, you know, the whole Time, basically, that we were in Hollywood. It was just pretty heavy drinking. I mean, events and parties and whatever. And for the last five years, I would say it's gone down a lot, but certainly in the last four months. I just can't do it. It's just not worth it. It's. The hangovers for me are.

[B]

Well. And you hurt yourself twice.

[A]

Well, yeah. There's a. Yeah.

[B]

Physically hurt. Say that again.

[A]

I got in a golf cart accident. I was drinking. I wasn't driving, but my best friend was. And then I. On my 40th birthday, I sprained my ankle pretty badly. And it's all alcohol related. It's just stupid. It doesn't make me feel good. It feels like the worst poison ever. The next morning I'm like, I'm miserable. And it's a two to three day deal. It's not even, you know, oh, my gosh, I'm hungover for a few hours and then I get on with my day. I'm depressed, I'm anxious. It's. It's not it for me, one or two drinks. But the problem is I'm so describing.

[B]

My life and my clinical life. It's.

[A]

It's not.

[B]

Kill it.

[A]

Yeah. No.

[B]

Okay. I have a question for both of you. One of the things that really irritates me when I watch television. Why is there always alcohol?

[A]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Always. It's like a thing.

[B]

What. What's the deal? Is it because Anheuser Busch is sponsoring the show?

[A]

Well, I bet you it's so toxic.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Props. It's almost immediate. Like, they have to ask you. They come up to you and they say, what do you want to drink in the scene? Do you want, like, some whiskey? Do you want a glass of wine? Do you want a beer? It's almost immediate.

[B]

But why? Because it pervades.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Through society. And so now our children just think that's normal.

[A]

Yeah, for sure. No, it's. It's got to stop. The problem is I really do enjoy drinking, and I'm a very fun drinker, but it's not worth it.

[B]

Well, you're fun without drinking. Does it love you back?

[A]

Obviously not. No. It kills me.

[B]

The first one loves you.

[A]

The second one loves you.

[B]

The one wants you to engage in behaviors. You love that love you.

[A]

Yeah, that's right. That's right.

[B]

Because I want you to think about it, you know, if I can get into that sort of. What's the right word? Cognitive dissonance part of your brain. So when you see alcohol or you see marijuana you actually see poison. You're like, no, I like myself more than that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, I don't. I mean, you know, there are a lot of things I like that are deadly for me.

[A]

Yeah, definitely. No, I've started to switch my. My outlook on alcohol, and when I see it now, I'm like, I don't know about you.

[B]

Well, I think seeing the future is good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Stress? Absolutely. Juggling a lot. Sandwich generation. Your parents just moved to your community?

[A]

They're going to.

[B]

They're going to. So you have that and then you have.

[A]

Yeah, my uncle just passed away. My mom's just had a. You know, it's just been. Yeah, it's been a lot grinding.

[B]

Do you wear a mouth guard?

[A]

No. I have been told I do grind, but I don't. When I've been recommended one.

[B]

But have you. How often do you see your dentist?

[A]

Once a. Every six months or a year. He didn't say anything this last night? No.

[B]

And you don't have any jaw pain?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, a lot of red. Oh, a lot of red talking. I really went in so confident. And I started doing the test. I was like, I'm an idiot.

[B]

So that's negative self talk. That was a little ant.

[A]

Just the truth.

[B]

That was a labeling hand.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, labeling.

[B]

I'm really good at recognizing faces. But you recognize negative faces faster.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Oh, faster. Faster.

[A]

Oh, God. Okay.

[B]

What was it like growing up for you? Where did you grow up?

[A]

Near Riverside. Here in California. I mean, I have such a loving family. I mean, but I was. I did beauty pageants when I was young. I was thrown into the industry.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Four years old. I, you know, perfect perfectionism had to be perfect. You know, that whole thing.

[B]

I'm so sorry.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Are you saying that to me? No, I'm saying it.

[A]

It's all about day.

[B]

I'm totally. I'm married to it. I'm married to it. No, no, it's great. She's beautiful and smart. I'm not feeling bad for you at all, nor.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

She cares. She wants to do the right thing. No, it's the beauty pageant thing. When you're young, because it sets you up to have to be perfect to be any good at all. It sets you up. It's like the worst things. Why I hate the Olympics. I hate the Olympics because you have to win and you have to be the best. And beauty pageants, you have to be the best. And that's the prescription for misery. Because when you have to be better than other people, it separates you from them. Now, when you have to be your best, well, then you can help other people be their best too. And then that's inclusive. And so like with Julius Randall, it's like every day, you win or you learn. Right. You're gonna be your best. Because when you have to be the best, well, then you're competing against Michael Jordan. And yeah, that's hard. That's misery, quite frankly. But when they played the Lakers in the first round of the playoffs, he guarded LeBron and he did great. So your best, Right.

[A]

You either win or you learn. I win.

[B]

But you see why that would then lead.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

To issues for you. And that's probably what explains that if you get your feelings hurt, it tends to stick. Probably more.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Stress is a big issue for you. Not terribly anxious or depressed. Your long term memory is good. Focus not awesome. Planning is okay. Processing speed a little bit slower. I'm worried about this one. Flexibility.

[A]

Ooh, Talk to me about that.

[B]

You want things to go a certain way, and if they don't, you get upset. I'm gonna teach you a rule. It's called the rule of 12. Shit happens. I was taking Tana to Paris for her 50th birthday seven years ago, and I just noticed we go on vacation and something bad would happen. It would, like, ruin two days.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm like, shit happens.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

12 things are gonna go wrong. Let's promise ourselves we're not gonna get upset until the 13th thing.

[A]

Oh, that's great.

[B]

And then we can scream, we can yell, we can act badly. Three things went wrong. Nobody was upset the whole time. I came home and I posted the rule of 12. That's like 10 million views or something. It's based on this concept of psychological health. Goes with flexibility, cognitive flexibility. When you were pushed to be perfect and it had to do with your looks at such a young age. So bad for your brain.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But you can change it. There's not one thing about your brain that we can't make it better.

[A]

Great. I'm in. Let's do it. It's time.

[B]

Short term memory, not good. But I think these two things go together. Your conscious negativity bias is 33 means it could be better.

[A]

Okay. Flexible. Negative.

[B]

Flexibility and being more positive.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I see people that are here all the time.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So it's not awful, but it's not awesome.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So when you wake up, I want you to go, today's gonna be a great day. And then I want you focused on the little miracles that happen every day. Like, what's the smallest thing I love? And focus on it. Like, for me, it's like I may brand healthy hot chocolate every night for my family. And I just love the first taste.

[A]

Oh, that's.

[B]

And Tana literally had a hummingbird on her hand yesterday. But just seeing them or seeing. Because it's butterfly season where I live, I want you. And then when you go to bed at night, I want you to do a very specific exercise. I want you to go, what went well today? And I want you to start at the beginning of your day. Go hour by hour only looking for what you loved. Now the bad stuff will show up. And I'm like, not the point. Sweep it away and go back to what went well. And once you put yourself to sleep with that, that's great because I want to move this over here. And if we get it in the green. And do you know my friend Byron, Katie, she has a couple of great books. Loving what is no great book. But she always says, argue with reality, welcome to hell and wow. And when you have a challenging child, argue with reality a lot. But that's not good for anybody. Right? So it's like, okay, this is what we have. What are we gonna do?

[A]

That's right. That's right. Yeah. That's great.

[B]

All right. We went over these. This is your skin. Actually have a great looking brain. Smooth. Wow.

[A]

Wow, that's pretty.

[B]

Wow. It's pretty. It is pretty.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I'd want to keep it. Now. This little thing here may have been the car accident.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Whacked you in the back. Right side. If I was you, I would want to keep this brain.

[A]

Yeah. I want to take a picture and frame it.

[B]

Yeah. I'm gonna give you a copy.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Your cerebellum is a little sleepy. I actually think this is where the EDD is. Like, because I think if I scanned you on the Adderall, that would pop up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But your anxiety centers probably pop up too with it, which is why you only take 2.5. Because if you take more, do you.

[A]

Notice you get a little racy. Yeah. But when I do take it, it is like my world opens up. Everything looks brighter. I can focus. I can get shit done.

[B]

And have you tried other things?

[A]

No. Nope.

[B]

So I think both of you think of it like, well, let's just see what's best for me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I like Concerta a lot. So. Adderall and Vyvanse are amphetamine based. Concerta is methylphenidate based. It just you don't know which one's better for either. So I would talk to whoever prescribing it for you to like, hey, doctor, Amen said concerta might be a better mix. Okay. So. Yes, yes.

[A]

But do we see add or do we see the H in mine or do we just see ADD?

[B]

The naming of this thing is so stupid. In 1980, it used to be ADD with or without hyperactivity. But the people who make the book that names things need to change things up. So people buy the new version of the book.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And in 1987, went to ADHD and they threw out half the people who are hyperactive.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

And in 1994, they changed it again to AD HD because they realized they threw out half the people who are hyperactive. And it's just stuff. Right. I think if I had to do it for probably ADD without the hyperactive.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Pms, low testosterone, and I'm going to add chronic stress.

[A]

Yeah, definitely.

[B]

And so I think, what do you do to manage the chronic stress?

[A]

I could be doing so many other things that I'm not doing that, like exercising. I had to take that four month pause. But I do think I'm so. My brain is so much better. Just everything feels better when I exercise, meditation, I've fallen off of completely. I think I could use a little bit of that. And then, you know, I feel like I could probably. I feel like a hyperbaric. Sounds good. I could probably lay in there for a little bit. An infrared sauna. Things that I'm just not consistent with anything. That's my problem. My. Every year for New Year's, I write one word down that I. That I wanted to carry with me. And it was consistency and I just fucking can't do it. It's crazy.

[B]

How many days out of 10 do you take this stimulant?

[A]

5.

[B]

You don't need your brain on the other days or.

[A]

I think I don't want to be. I. There's this like, stigma, like, oh, I. I don't want to be dependent on something. But it's almost like, well, don't you wear eyeglasses when you need to see?

[B]

I was just gonna say so it's.

[A]

Like, why am I right? Yeah, I need to. I need to turn the batteries on and it helps.

[B]

So I make something called Focus and Energy. I want you to try that. I want you to try Peak energy as opposed to Adderall and just see which one you like better.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then I want you to try Consorta.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Brain tmax. And PMS Relief. Another one I like for you is everyday stress relief, because that's just a big part of what's going on. And every day you win or you learn, right? If you just have that mindset.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

The only thing I can control is my behavior. Does my behavior fit the goals I have for my life? Are you excited to optimize your brain and help the brains of those you love? Do you want to prevent or treat memory problems, anxiety or depression? Do you want to be happier? That's why I created Amen University to take what I've learned over the last 45 years and help you have a better brain, a better mind and a better body. You can take courses like our 30 day happiness challenge, which was shown in research to increase happiness by 32% in just 30 days, or memory Rescue or Overcoming Anxiety, Depression, Trauma and Grief or Healing, Add at home in 30 days and much more. We also have professional courses and courses for kids, including brain thrive by 25, which was found in independent research to decrease depression and improve self esteem. And as a special offer just for our listeners, you can save 20% on your next course. Visit amenuniversity.com and use the code PODCAST20 well that was amazing. We learned so much. I learned so much and we had such a good time and just want to thank you so much for being so brave and so open and I'm so excited to see what your brains are going to look like going forward. You've been watching Change youe Brain every day. Subscribe Leave Us a Comment, Question, a Review Share it with your friends.