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Change Your Brain Every Day
The #1 Goal Setting Tool to Get What You Want
00:29:55
Do you struggle to stick to your goals and feel discouraged when you fall short? It’s time to change the way you set and achieve your aspirations. In this empowering episode, Dr. Amen and Tana Amen introduce you to the life-changing One Page...
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- [00:00]
A
As we get into the new year, I think this is so important.
- [00:05]
B
We've been doing this together actually since we met. I've been doing this on my own for a long time. Like writing down in detail what I want for my life. But when I met you and you, you'd called it the one page miracle. I'm like, that actually makes sense because it is pretty miraculous. Intentionality actually changes your life.
- [00:24]
A
I do it with all of my patients. It's like, this is the starting point every day. You are making your brain better or you are making it worse. Stay with us to learn how you can change your brain for the better every day. I am so excited about this episode today, and I'm excited to do it with you because I actually use our relationship as an example of why this episode is so important. So it's called the one page miracle. It used to be called goal setting, but as we get into the new year, I think this is so important.
- [01:12]
B
Well, I love this. We've been doing this together, actually, since we met, and I. I've been doing this on my own for a long time. Like writing down in detail what I want for my life. But when I met you and you, you had called it the one page miracle. I'm like, that actually makes sense because it is pretty miraculous when you intentionality actually changes your life. And I actually read something super interesting. When people say they want something and they think about what they want, they're 10% likely to get it. When they just verbalize it, when they write it down, they're 47% likely to get it. So. So it radically increases the chances of you getting what you want. When you add some accountability to it, and you either come up with a mentor or you just in some way or another, a mentor or an accountability partner, and some way or another add accountability to it, it increases it to 76%. So I just find that fascinating. But this idea of calling it a one page miracle to me, made so much sense because intentionality changes everything in your life.
- [02:16]
A
I do it with all of my patients. It's like, this is the starting point. In fact, in my book, your brain is always listening, I rewrote the 12 step program for addictions. And because the 12 step program starts with, your life is out of control. And I'm like, no, that's step two. Step one is, well, what do you want in your relationships, your work, your money, your physical, emotional, spiritual health? Because then step two is really easy. You know, your life is out of control because substances or Behavior is not getting you what you want.
- [02:53]
B
Right? And you have to know what you want. You have to know your why. Because if you don't know your why, you'll never do your what. And it's just so important. So those two things together, I think, are super important. And we've been doing this together since we met. And every January, like, right before New Year's, we write it out, and then we, like, really talk it through, then we share it.
- [03:11]
A
I think it's so important to share it. It's really based on a part of the brain called the prefrontal cortex. So the front third of the human brain, largest in humans than any other animal, the prefrontal cortex. 30% of the human brain, 11% of the chimpanzee brain, 7% of your dog's brain. And I'm really hoping, Aspen, our new white shepherd, that hers will be 8 or 9%.
- [03:43]
B
Yeah, like, right now, it's more like 2 or 3.
- [03:45]
A
More like not quite yet, not quite developed yet. 3% of the cat's brain, which totally fits our cat, and 1% of the mouse's brain. So 3% of the cat's brain, which is why cats need nine lives, and 1% of the mouse' brain, which is why mice are eaten by cats. Just saying. But it's involved in the executive functions like planning, focus, forethought, judgment, impulse control, empathy, decision making, and goal setting. And when your prefrontal cortex is heard, you might make a goal, but you can't stay with it long enough because you just get, like, Aspen, distracted by.
- [04:36]
B
Every little thing in our society. It's so easy to get distracted anyhow, because it's just, you know, the number of things that happen just in my day from the time I wake up until, you know, I might have something in mind that I plan on doing. And it's just the chances of me staying on track with how many phone calls I get and how many people want my attention is crazy. But if I write it down, and for me, I tape it to my mirror, it's just way more likely to happen. And I set, you know, reminders in my phone. I'm more likely to make that thing happen. So that's why this is so important.
- [05:07]
A
And early on, you know, I seen a lot of patients, and many of them were burned out. And I'm like, oh, they're unbalanced in their goals. Because I'd ask people what they want, and isn't this crazy? I would ask people what they want for their life. And they hadn't thought about it. They've actually thought more about their vacation than what they want in the major areas of their life. You know, ask a business person, it's like, I want enough money, I want to get a career. You know, I want to get promoted, or you know, I want to lose 50 pounds or I want to be married. And like most great businesses, like here at Amen clinics, we have mission statement to end mental illness by creating a revolution in brain health. We have core values, we have quarterly goals. Most people don't do it for their own lives. So this is an exercise that will help just every aspect of your life. And again, people get burned out when they're too focused on one thing and not focused on the whole picture, because we're whole people. So you break it down, write down what you want in your relationships. We're going to share some of our goals in your work, in your money, in your physical, emotional and spiritual health. And I like it on one page. So every day you just look at it only takes two minutes to know what you want.
- [07:02]
B
So I like this too because, because I tend to, I think you should do it. What for what works for you. Like, I like to journal it in great detail and it's pages and pages. But then I like to take it and do exactly what you said, summarize it into that one page miracle, because that I can put on my mirror. So I've already now processed it in great depth and great detail so I get it all out, but then I now can see it clearly for me. So whatever works for you. If you are a person who really needs to be very detailed, do that, but then put it clearly.
- [07:34]
A
And then, I mean, the tiny habit is to look at it every day. And then whenever you go to say something, whenever you go to do something, you just ask yourself, does my behavior fit the goals I have for my life? Because most people, if you tell them what to do, it's like, don't tell me what to do. It's like they'll oppose it. And so you don't want to set it up so people oppose that. You oppose it. It's like, well, what do you want? And some people go, oh, well, that's selfish. And it's like in the thousands of one page miracles I've looked at, there is so little selfishness in there because what most of us want is good things. It's goodness for ourselves, for our health, for our, for our families. It's not about hedonism, because hedonism is in fact, the enemy of happiness. And so if we just think of relationships and let's just share some of the highlights of ours because, and I must say this a couple of times a week, you're my primary relationship and I feel so blessed. And so what I wrote is I want a kind, caring, loving, supportive, passionate relationship. And I always want that. Now I don't always feel like that. These rude thoughts my brain generates and almost always, not always, they don't get out because they don't fit. Right. If you get that thought, don't say that. How does that track for yours?
- [09:37]
B
Very similar. And actually it's not the things you say because you're actually very good at monitoring that. Sometimes I think it's, you're busy. And so I. But you're very good at listening to me when I say I need your time. Like, like I need you to be with me now because you've been busy. So I think, you know, you also have to listen to your spouse because for you you're thinking, don't say the rude thought in my head. Fortunately, you don't actually do that. So I don't actually hear most of those. So for me it's very similar. It's like I want a God centered. I want God centered relationships, especially with you, filled with love and respect, fun, passion, excitement and joy. And for me that means part of this because of my background and where I come from. It means sacrificing my fears. Fear is the opposite of love and trust. Because a lot of, if you've come from trauma in the past, so much of what you think about is fear based. And I've learned I have to. For me, that's a spiritual thing. I have to sacrifice that to God. Especially if you've got children, you find it very hard to let go. You find it very hard to, you know, do those things that I have to remind myself of that frequently.
- [10:47]
A
And then how about for the children? I mean, for me, I wrote, I show love, guidance and reasonable support and encourage them to be their best and remember what it was like to be their ages.
- [11:08]
B
So that's very similar to mine. So I, for me, one of the most important things for me besides my values are God, health and then family. So it's very, very important to me to spend as much time as I can with you, with the children and with, you know, like I spend so much time with Chloe and with you. But what that means is time is really important, but doing everything for the kids is not what that's not important. Like that's not the thing. And there's something really interesting. So many people think that means taking the anxiety away for their kids. That is not actually at the top of my list. In fact, I think it's really important to let kids feel their own anxiety for their bad decisions. So for me, that's not part of it. It's being there for them, being a good coach, being a support system, doing fun things together, but not, not taking away their learning experiences and not doing everything for them and not buying them everything they want. Those are not the things for me that are important.
- [12:14]
A
Well, and then I would also do this because we, I have it for grandkids, for my friends, for my extended family. Know what you want. And so, you know, just coming out of the holidays, which are so stressful for people. And I tell my patients all the time and I tell my okay, what's the goal in this situation? And am I acting in ways consistent with my goal? Otherwise the triggers of people telling the same story about how I burned down the couch when I was five years old, it's like, how many times can you tell this story? And like, why is a 5 year old got access to matches?
- [13:01]
B
It's like, why was that my fault?
- [13:03]
A
Why was that my fault? Being focused on what you want in the situation. And I love, because you described it to me first, that responsibility is not your fault. Right. It's not taking blame, a stressful interaction with your family members, it's just the ability to respond. You know, do I have responsibility like in our relationship or with my extended family? I want 100% responsibility in how I respond to the situation because it's easy and it's natural to blame.
- [13:49]
B
Right.
- [13:50]
A
Other people. But in the sabotage factor that I mentioned, the number one hallmark of self defeating behavior is blaming other people for how your life is turning out. Soon as you do that, you're a victim and you can't change.
- [14:03]
B
That's part of why it was an interesting interaction. And I, and I knew what you meant, but I, but I had a different take on it. One of the kids did something not so smart and your, your first reaction to them was, well, we don't, we don't want you to feel anxiety for that. And I was like, nope, nope, back up. We do, we want you to feel anxiety for that. And I knew what you meant. You didn't mean it necessarily that way. But, but my reaction to that was if you make a bad decision, I want you to feel anxiety about it because I'm not going to Take the anxiety for you. So as much as I wanna spend time with and, like, really genuine quality time with the people I love, when I'm talking about the children now, taking on their responsibility for things is not like, I'm not going to do that because I don't wanna rob them of those learning experiences. And if they make bad decisions, they should feel that. So you want to be there?
- [14:58]
A
Well, because ultimately one of the goals is to raise mentally strong kids, as we talked about in a recent.
- [15:05]
B
So don't be scared of them feeling some anxiety. Right, right. They're not going to die from it. If they made a bad decision, they should actually own it.
- [15:17]
A
This podcast is brought to you by the Change your Brain foundation, dedicated to ending the concept of mental illness by creating a revolution in brain health. Go to changeyourbrain.org to learn how you can support our mission. So let's talk about work. For me, it's to be the leader of Damon Clinics and Brain MD and to run the best brain and mental health company in the world. And so the decisions I make, it's like, well, does that fit? Does it fit for our patients and our customers and our employees? And does it fit for us? And is it good for the planet? Right. So every decision I make is about that. And when you're intentional, it's just easier to make the right decisions. So how about you for work?
- [16:23]
B
When it comes to work, I have grow and honor the gift I've been given and worked for into a cohesive, fun, exciting business opportunity and create a legacy while helping others. So for me, it's really important to put language to it that motivates me and that's. I have to balance that with because for so long, I spent so much time wanting to just spend time with family. But now I'm at this stage of life where I want to really grow it and I want to create a legacy, and I want to help as many people as I can with that.
- [16:56]
A
Well, at different stages of life, they have different weights, and too often it gets unbalanced when couples are young and, you know, they may spend too much time at work and not enough time.
- [17:14]
B
And for me, it's been the opposite.
- [17:15]
A
Which erodes the relationships that are primary. I had this interchange with one of my patients this week, and I love him so much, but he was struggling with his marriage and, and work and sort of going. And I'm like, so how much will it cost you to get divorced? And it was a lot of money, and she wants more time. I said, well, if we divide the amount of money it would cost you into the hours it would take, it's like every hour you spend with her is worth $20,000.
- [18:00]
B
So funny.
- [18:01]
A
It's like.
- [18:03]
B
But that really put it in granular, right.
- [18:05]
A
Of how much pain it would cause you and the children. And you know, it actually will cause generational pain. It's you begin to work less and to just get a better balance when you see what you're doing is you're actually telling your brain what you want and then your brain will sort of work on it to help you get it. But if you never tell it what you want, and this is actually something you have done many since you were young. And you ended up, didn't you tell me recently you found a journal after your mother passed away that you found a journal you wrote when you were how old?
- [18:52]
B
So I actually found that journal. It was actually right before I wrote my book. The Relentless Courage of a Scared Child. But I'd put it away and then Chloe saw it. This was shortly after my mom passed away. Chloe saw it. So it was really interesting though, because I wrote it in my 20s and when I was really, I was coming out of a depression, I was really broke, I was in a bad place in life, and I had written it out in detail. I wrote in detail what I was going to turn my life into, what I was going to be and where I was going to work, what I was going to have, what my relationship was going to look like, where I was going to live, the neighborhood I was going to live in. And I wrote in great detail what it was going to be and I found it. And this was right before I wrote my book. And I was mind blown because everything on there was like down to the neighborhood I lived in. The only differences were I said I was going to be a New York Times bestselling author and it was going to be a novel. And I was a New York Times bestselling author, but it was a self help book. It was the Omni diet. And the car that I had was, I didn't have that version of the car. It was because I said it was going to be a convertible and it wasn't because I had a child. And so there were little differences in there, but you fit the, you fit the relationship to a T. But I wrote that so long ago I had forgotten about it. It was like tucked into one of my tax return files and I didn't even remember writing it. So when I found it, it was crazy how detailed it was. And how much of it had actually come to be was wild. And when Chloe saw it, the reason she was so shocked was because she was like. When I described, like, having a child, she was like, I'm so confused. You actually said you were going to have like a child at the time that you did. She goes, but you didn't. Like, that wasn't even. You didn't think you could have kids. And I'm like, yeah, no. Like, everything worked out exactly the way I said it was going to.
- [20:47]
A
So the one page miracle. What do you want? Relationships, work, money. And I think this is so important because so many of my patients come to see me because they're stressed out with money or they don't come for help because they feel like they can't afford it. And I always think I'm a good value, that if you do what I ask you to do and get a healthier brain, you make so much more money than you ever paid me. But for mine, with finances is continue to build wealth and value and maintain control over spending. Help others be less dependent on me. That's not good. I'm not going to be here forever. Develop a giving program that makes a difference. And together, you and I have the change your brain foundation. We give a lot of money to that provides research, education, service to those who need help. But this so important for my patients. It's. Whenever you go to spend something, it's like, well, does this fit, does this fit the goals I have? And too often couples get into trouble because they don't have the same value around spending.
- [22:15]
B
Well, I just think the power of intention, just doing this this year is going to be so important for people. And every year, just the power of intention and then writing it down. And we do this together every year. And the simple question of, you know, we go for a walk and it's like, what do we want for ourselves this year? And just asking that question, but then writing it down, it sets the tone for the year. And it just, you know, your brain wants to make happen what you tell it to make happen.
- [22:42]
A
And then what do you want for your physical health? And I have obesity in my family. I have heart disease in my family. I love my life, I love my wife. I love our two beautiful dogs. I love our kids, our grandkids, Haven. And I watched Charlie Brown's Christmas last night. It was so much fun. So I eat a diet that helps me feel better and live longer. I walk 45 minutes, five to seven days a week. I maintain my weight At a certain level. And I want to sleep seven or eight hours every night. I mean, write it down. What do you want? I want an energy, and that means I have to take care of myself. So when I want the ice cream sundae, it's like, I don't want that. I want energy. I want memory. I want to be at a healthy weight. I know for me, I can gain weight quickly. I hate that. Right. And so I have to be intentional.
- [24:02]
B
Yeah.
- [24:03]
A
What do you want?
- [24:04]
B
Physically, I have. I have passion to honor the body God gifted me. So I will be healthy and strong to accomplish my purpose and be able to feel the passion, joy, strength, and powerful energy and motivation God intended. And then I know.
- [24:22]
A
So every. With every decision, you just go, well, does it fit well?
- [24:25]
B
And then I go into detail. What that means with diet, what that means with exercise, what that means with.
- [24:30]
A
Yeah. And I don't have any tattoos. You do have a little of your child's birthday. Yeah, but if I did get a tattoo, it would be, does it fit? Does my behavior fit the goals I have for my life? See, that's what I think is an authentic, successful life. Does it fit? And emotionally, I want to be happy. Despite the stress of growing our business and the arrows of being the pioneer that I've been, I want to continue to feel fulfilled and fascinated by my life, to continue to be positive and optimistic, but also have firm boundaries. Right. I've learned to that. Saying no is one of the most effective stress management tools I have because people ask me all the time, you know, do this, do this, do this. Can you do that? Can you help me? Can. And I'm like. And then I go back to my onepage miracle, and I'm like, well, does it fit the goals I have for my life?
- [25:51]
B
I'm confused.
- [25:52]
A
What?
- [25:53]
B
Because you say my default is no.
- [25:57]
A
Yeah. But you shouldn't be saying no to me.
- [25:59]
B
Oh, I see.
- [26:00]
A
Right. Don't you want a kind, caring, loving, supportive, passionate relationship? Then the answer should be yes.
- [26:09]
B
No. You say, my default to everything is no. My first response is always no.
- [26:15]
A
Yes. There's that little mismatcher in you. My dad had the same thing. But no is so important if it doesn't fit. Right. If somebody asks you to do something, so many people, because they don't feel good about themselves or they don't have good boundaries, they think they'll be liked more and they become a doormat. And that's not good.
- [26:45]
B
Yeah.
- [26:46]
A
For you.
- [26:46]
B
I'm convinced.
- [26:47]
A
Boundaries.
- [26:47]
B
I'm actually convinced. I say no. Right off the bat to buy me time. It's like. It's like a buffer. I need a minute. There's so many things.
- [26:56]
A
What do you want emotionally?
- [26:59]
B
Emotionally, it's very similar, I think when it comes to health. I want. I want to be emotionally healthy. I want to. It's. It's really along the same lines. I want that emotional health. I want to have time to meditate and pray and have boundaries and have that space to really think about what's important and honor God and focus on what I need in life and what I want in life with my family and put God first in my life. And for me, that really helps me to prioritize everything else.
- [27:35]
A
Love that. And then spiritually is I wanted do meaningful work and make a difference in the lives of other people and leave the world a better place and maintain a close relationship with God. I have never believed we're here by random chance. I think we were created to be connected and to make a difference. Yeah. And so living a purposeful life that honors the gift of life is always been important to me. And so I pray, I read my Bible and I stay focused on my purpose.
- [28:28]
B
And for me, it's feeling connected and feeling God's presence in my life, not just daily, but constantly. Because when I feel that, then I feel motivation, I feel joy, I feel passion, and I. That's sort of my true north. Right. I know what to do, so then I know my purpose.
- [28:46]
A
So we hope this is helpful for you. I think it's like, like Bright Minds is foundational that we talk about. I think the one page miracle. Everyone who listens to this podcast, it would just be so helpful to do. We'll try and include a link to the exercise I give my patients. And if you found this helpful, leave us a review. Always comments and questions, Please subscribe. Share it with the people you care about, that you want them to have a better brain and a better life. And never forget, every day, every day you're making your brain better or you're making it worse. And Tana and I are here to give you the tools to make it better.