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#407 Jodi Silverman: When the Kids Grow Up, But You’re Just Getting Started — Part One
00:22:25
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- [00:13]
A
Hi, everyone. Welcome to our show. Chief Change Officer. I'm Vince Chen, your ambitious human host. Our show is a modernist community for change. Progressives in organizational and human transformation from around the world. Today's guest is Jody Silverman, founder of the Moms who Dare community and someone who knows what it's like to face a totally quiet house and wonder what comes next. She built a print business, raised a family, and then realized it was time to find something that lit her up again. In this two part series, we talk about letting go of old roles, parenting when you are no longer the fixer, and why your next chapter doesn't have to look like your last one. Jody's story is honest, warm, and refreshingly real. Let's get into it. Good morning, Jody. Welcome to Chief Change Officer. Welcome to my show.
- [02:11]
B
Good morning to you two. Vent up. So happy to be here on your show.
- [02:15]
A
Thank you. This is a special episode for me for a couple of reasons. First, I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and doing the show on video for the very first time. So, yes, I dressed up for the occasion. And second, I'm joined by someone who's also part of this little leap into something new. Jody, thank you so much for being here and for jumping into this journey with me.
- [02:49]
B
Of course. And I am so honored to be here as you step out of your comfort zone and dare to create video. And that's my platform. That's what I inspire others to do. And I'm always inspired when somebody like yourself, Vince, will step out of their comfort zones. Yay for you. I'm excited to be here. I can't wait for your listeners to hear what we're going to talk about today.
- [03:12]
A
Sure. Judy is the founder of a community called Moms who Dare. We'll talk more about that, especially the word dare and why it matters for mothers. But first things first. Jody, what is your story? I know you're a mom, obviously, but what about your career journey, job history, your family? Let's start there and then we'll get into parenting, moms, and the whole idea of the empty nest, which is our main theme today.
- [03:49]
B
Absolutely. Yeah. So I'm Jody Silverman and I started my career before I was anybody's wife or mom. I started my career in sales. I, I sold direct mail, marketing, advertising. I found my way in sales. I loved it. I was with a national company, very successful for about 12 years. And during those 12 years, I met my husband Sam, and we're now together 33 years and had two children, Ellie, who is now 29. And Daniel, who is now 12. Actually, Ellie, @ the time of this going live, will be 30 and Daniel is 26. So during that transition of going from single to married to becoming a parent, my career transfer transformed. With me, it changed. And in order for me to still want to keep my toes and my mind sharp in the business world and yet be more present in my children's life, I dared, and I didn't know it at the time, that it was daring. That came later. I dare to say, step away from this job, my career, and start my own business. I also didn't know there was something called entrepreneurship, Vince, but apparently that's what it was. And so I started my own drink sales company that allowed me to still work, make some income, but yet be more present, pick up from preschool for my kids, go to their games and whatever school activities they had. And that was like the first, looking back, in hindsight, I wasn't aware of at the time that was the first dare. And then fast forward. My kids are in high school. They're about three years apart in high school. So my daughter was getting ready, was a year she was getting ready to graduate. She was going to go off to college. I'm in the States, she was going to go off to a university. And I found myself sitting in this really quiet space. I had the print business for, gosh, about since then, it was two, so about 10 years, and I was in a very quiet space. And 10. We tend to go in our heads and start to think about things when we're in a quiet space. And I realized in that moment I was sitting there wondering what was I going to do with all the free time that was about to open up? As my daughter left and my son was in high school, free time was opening. Is this what I really wanted to do? Is selling commercial printing really what I wanted to do? And I was like, ew, no, I really didn't want to do it. And it was a hard answer to swallow and accept because here I was, fortunate and privileged enough to have my own business schedule, my own time, and yet here I was feeling unfulfilled and I didn't want to do it anymore. All the guilt of feeling like I'm ungrateful for the gifts and the privilege that I have started to surface. And it was also in that quiet space. So I was in this quiet space for a couple hours. Oh, I asked the question, I answered it. I felt a little uncomfortable with my answer and guilty. And at the same time, I realized my feeling Unfulfilled had nothing to do with me as a partner and a wife with my husband, had nothing to do with me being a mom. It had everything to do with what did I want for myself. And I know, Vince, that a lot of your listeners out there, no matter where they are in the world, wherever you are in the world, we all are more alike than we're different. And we've all experienced, most of us have experienced that moment in our lives. I know you, with all the change and shifts and daring you've done, get that feeling like there's something different, something bigger for me. And I didn't know what it was. But just by sitting in that space asking the question and allowing the answer to be no, this is not what I want, opened up my mind to be receptive when an opportunity showed itself for me.
- [07:41]
A
I have to confess, I'm not a parent. I made the decision pretty early on that I wouldn't have children. So that was my choice. That means there are certain things about parenting I may never fully understand. So bear with me if I ask questions that might seem a bit off. Now, you mentioned that at some point you became an entrepreneur. You dared, you took the leap, but you also made sacrifices at the same time. You had the opportunity to share life moments with your children, watching them grow up. Looking back to when your daughter first left home, those early empty net moments, how did you feel? Was it lonely? Would you describe it as an identity crisis? If I can use that term, yeah.
- [08:55]
B
It's a good term to use. So for me personally, I knew that I would miss my daughter terribly. I have a daughter, I have a son. There's things my daughter would do with me that my son wouldn't. My son really didn't feel like he wanted to weigh in on my outfits. Is this a good outfit to wear? My daughter was my fashion consultant. My daughter, she would go and get manicures and pedicures with me. My son had no interest in getting his nails done. I tried, but he had no interest. So I, I, There are all. There's a range of different emotions that all parents, moms and dads alike, and I would even dare to say, Vince, if you were not a mom in the traditional sense of the word, but you're an aunt or you're an uncle, and you have children in your life that you're very close to, it can affect them as well. But the range could go from what you said, a complete loss of feeling like you're no purpose. What is my purpose? If I'm not a full time mom anymore. That was not really what hit me. But I know that is how it affected a lot of people. I know a lot of my close friends. For me, I was both excited for my daughter and I'll talk about her because she was the first to leave because she, she needed to go to college, she was ready for college. I was excited for her. I was sad that her personality would be missing from our home. It changes the dynamic of a home when one child leaves and whether it's an only child or you have other children at home, so the dynamics of the home is going to change. But I was, and with that being said, I was also excited because now I had some focused time with my son at home. To get back to your original question, for me it was a combination of. It was a bittersweet moment. I was so happy for her and yet I was going to miss her on a day to day basis. The biggest feeling of disconnection that I hear most parents tell me about is not knowing what they're doing every day. We go from 100% full time parenthood. We know who their friends are, we know where they are. They come home at night, we know where they're going on a Friday night or a Saturday night. We know what they're doing after school. We don't know what they're doing when they're away. They're navigating the their life on their own terms. They're meeting new people. So that is the where the feeling of disconnectedness comes from. And it's a very hard, difficult, uncomfortable emotion and feeling to deal with as a parent to feel disconnected from your child after 18, 20 plus years being 100% connected, it's a hard one. So it does hit parents at different phases of emptiness. I say it's all different. It can happen during high school when they, I say the first phase of emptiness when they get their driver's license here in the US they're 16 years old. That's independence. They don't need you to drive them anywhere. It's the first moment of the they don't need me anymore mindset.
- [11:53]
A
It actually starts earlier, around age 10 or even 11, when they begin pulling away. Suddenly they got their own friends, their own life. And you hear things like leave me alone. You know they will eventually leave home. That part is certain. But even when you see it coming, it still hits hard when it happens.
- [12:25]
B
We all know our goal. What is our goal as parents? To raise confident decision making children. To become confident decision making young adults to adulthood to go out on their own, raise new experiences and meet new people and discover who they get to be. We know that's our role, we know that's our goal. And when it happens, most of the time we're really not prepared for the separation and come out investing. What I'll say is I believe a common mistake. And some listeners, some moms out there might not like what I'm about to say. Vince. They might not like it. A common mistake is viewing your relationship with your child as a friendship. I hear a lot of moms, a lot of moms. Because I do deal mainly with moms, but I hear a lot of moms say they're my best friend, they're my. Our children are not our best friends. You can like your children, you can like that. In addition to loving them, you can like them and yet they can't be your friend. You have to have other. They're not your friends. Think about what you share with a friend. Death should not be what you share with your children. You can feel the emptiness. But if we can change that shift in. You're not losing a best friend, you're not even losing your child. You are gaining this amazing young adult to watch them. Awesome. And now you get to gain a more adult like relationship with your children which once you move through the emotions, the sadness, the disconnectedness and you can understand those feelings and move through them, the adult relationship is fabulous with your children. It can be. It can be.
- [14:08]
A
Earlier I used the term identity crisis and clearly you moved past it. In fact, you went on to create this amazing community. Moms who dare. What sparked that? What made you decide to start something like this in the very first place?
- [14:33]
B
Yes. And the identity crisis is a good description of events. It's really well said because even for me, somebody who always worked outside of the home, the majority of my time was spent being a mom. Was spent parenting. And those moms that decide to become full time moms, that's. It's even harder. It's even harder because they don't have it. They put away their career, they put away their interests and their hobbies to be a full time mom, which is no joke. It's no joke. It's a serious job, it's a career. So what happened for me is when I was in that moment and I decided I wanted something different, I. An opportunity for a new business venture was presented to me in the multi level marketing direct sales industry. And for anybody out there who has ever been part of a direct sales multi Level, market, network marketing, whatever it's called. Direct sales, multilevel marketing, network marketing. They're all the words. You'll know that it opens up the doors to the world of personal professional development. And what I mean by that, Vince, is to. It opens up the doors to the thought leaders who have written amazing books over a lifetime like Think and Grow Rich from Napoleon Hill. Everybody knows that somebody. Brene Brown is a universal name that most people know. It opens the doors for that. And that's what happened for me. It opened up the door. It surrounded me with people who were all on the same journey of rediscovering who they were and were looking for something else that they were meant to be doing. And I attended one of the dares. I did. Before I knew it. Daring was my word. I said yes to attending a local women empowerment conference. So I walked into this room with 300 other women small business owners. I was a life coach. I became a life coach. At the time I knew I wanted to support women, other women, specifically moms, because up until this point, I was stepping out of my comfort zone. I started a new business. I was meeting new people. I was scared. I was doing it scared. I had doubt. But I was enjoying. I was like excited again. There was my, even my husband Sam said it's. You're like reborn. There's this excitement about you. I was, it was fresh and new. So I'm sitting in that room and the keynote speaker was a woman named Luanne Kahn. She's an eight time Emmy award winning journalist from my town, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. And she gave us each a copy of her book that she was on stage talking about. And it was called I Dare Me how she did something every new, every day for a year to get unstuck. And I sat in that room, Vincent. In that moment, I felt like Luanne was only talking to me. I like everything went quiet. I'm like, oh my gosh. Because she was talking about daring, stepping out of your comfort zone, trying new things, all as the same word. And I thought, oh my gosh, I've been daring. That's. And it was such a playful word for me and everything about me. I like play. I think play is very important in an adult life that we forget how to play. And I sat in that room and I thought I'm daring. I that's what I've been doing. She gave me the word that felt and resonated deeply with what I have been doing for the last three years leading up to that conference. And I left That I said, oh my gosh, I'm a Mom who Dares. I ran home and I had a Facebook group for something else and I changed the name of the Facebook group to Moms who Dare. And I started posting in the group. Does anybody. Has anybody ever just gone to a movie at 10:30 in the morning? Join me. I'm going to this movie theater at this time. Anybody want to go out for dinner? Does anybody want to go axe throwing? I don't know if you have. If you've ever heard of axe throwing, but it is fun. Has anybody ever done an Escape the Room? And I just started posting and a core group of women started showing up. And that's how Moms who Dare started as a Facebook group, very local to my backyard. And fast forward to Covid, the pandemic we had and everything started to go virtual. So I started to host virtual Zoom meetups, which during that time, everybody went zoom crazy. I wish I had Zoom Stock. Now it's a hybrid virtual in person community. It's still a Facebook group. There's 2,500 women in that Facebook group. And nothing against dads. I love my husband is a great dad. But it is just moms in that group or anybody who resonates with being a mom. Because women tend to share openly and are more vulnerable amongst other women, just like men. I think there's a time and a place to bring everyone together and a time and a place to have a girls only clubhouse and a boys only clubhouse. But that's how mom Sue Dare came to be. And it just grew organically and now there's a spin off membership. There's a whole thing. But we still, we do virtual hangouts, virtual experiences, because Covid created virtual ability, some scavenger hunts virtually and game nights. And I still have a nice size local community and we do get together four to six times a year in person. But that's how Moms who Dare just. It was daring to say yes to going to an event by myself. Not sure if I would know anybody. Then I heard this woman speak and that became my community.
- [20:09]
A
So far. Among the women you've connected with, what are some of the common challenges they face? And with those challenges in mind, what kinds of solutions have you seen either from the group or ones you've helped them discover?
- [20:32]
B
Yeah, the top issues that show up every time women join the Facebook group, they have to answer that question. Actually, Vince, they have to answer, what's your biggest challenge right now and what are you looking to gain by being part of this community. The biggest ones are the feeling disconnected from their now adult I do with the quotes adult children because honestly they're not adults at 18. They're just not they're considered legal adults but they're not feeling disconnected and within the disconnection is wanting to be present in their life without being that helicopter parent.
- [21:13]
A
That's it for today. We heard how Jody went from print business to purpose, launched a movement by accident and finally gave herself permission to be more than mother. But there's more. In part two, we'll dive into parenting when you are no longer the fixer. How to rediscover what lights you up and why Jody believes midlife isn't a crisis, it's a comeback. See you there. Thank you so much for joining us today. If you like what you heard, don't forget, subscribe to our show. Leave us top rated reviews, check out our website and follow me on social media. I'm Vin Chen, your ambitious human host. Until next time, take care.