Podcast Summary: "you can't fix them"
Christ With Coffee On Ice | Host: Ally Yost | February 13, 2026
Episode Overview
In this heartfelt and candid solo episode, host Ally Yost unpacks the truth that you cannot change or fix other people, no matter how much you love them or want better for them. Drawing from Scripture and her own life, Ally shares encouragement and practical advice about letting go of the need for control, defining healthy boundaries, relying on God's sovereignty, and finding hope through faith-fueled prayer and presence. Throughout, she reminds listeners of the freedom that comes from surrendering outcomes to God and embracing your real role as a vessel, not the Savior.
1. Introduction & Setting the Tone
- Theme of the Episode: The Holy Spirit "slap in the face" reminder: You can't be the source of someone else's change (07:13).
- Tone is warm, relatable, humorous at times (talks about her haircut, outfit repeats, and pet jingles), yet direct and Spirit-led.
- Opening prayer for listeners, emphasizing the joy of Jesus and declaring joy over the audience (01:50).
- Emphasis on always tying discussions back to Scripture—"the Word of God is our foundation" (09:40).
"It's gonna be a fun episode because it's gonna be giving a holy spirit slap in the face. It's going to be a reminder check, a reality check for a lot of us who want to fall into this habit of control, this habit or belief system that we can change people or we can fix them." (07:13, Ally)
2. What Sparked This Topic
- Inspired by a spontaneous social media video where Ally told followers, "you can’t change them."
- Realized how many people try to carry the burden of responsibility for others—whether for a loved one not following Jesus, or in a toxic relationship hoping someone will change (11:39).
- Explains the wide range of scenarios this applies to, but anchors in the truth: You are not God. Only God can change a person’s heart (13:57).
3. Why You Can’t Fix or Change Someone
Key Scriptural & Theological Points
- Sovereignty belongs to God: “You don’t have the sovereignty of God inside of you. You are not God.” (13:57)
- God alone softens or hardens a heart.
- Your influence matters, but you cannot be the source of inner transformation.
- Lasting change in a person requires two things: 1) They must want to change, and 2) God does the deep work inside them.
Personal Example
- Ally shares her testimony—no amount of urging from others could change her; it had to be her own choice, prompted by the Holy Spirit (17:11).
"There needed to be a shift inside of me, a decision that I made for myself where I said, I need Jesus... There was an influence of the Holy Spirit that seriously changed my heart and my desire of, like, no, I don’t want to do life by myself anymore. I need Jesus." (17:11, Ally)
4. The Burdens and Dangers of Trying to be God
- Results of trying to fix others: self-exhaustion, heartbreak, feeling abandoned and like a failure (27:01).
- Two scenarios from Ally's life:
- When she tried to force change, she was crushed by the burden.
- When she supported someone who desired to change, healthy transformation occurred—with God at the center (28:35).
- Realization: It’s not about giving up on people, but surrendering the outcome and your responsibility for their choices.
- “My role is not to be their savior. …They already have a Savior, whether they know him or not.” (31:40)
5. Specifically Addressing Toxic Relationships
- If you’re in a relationship with someone who is unhealthy or doesn’t know Jesus:
- You will never change them by dragging them to church or Bible studies if the desire isn’t in them.
- Clear warning for listeners, especially young women dating men who are “unequally yoked” (36:12).
- Encouragement to pray for them but stop trying to be their Messiah.
"He has to want Jesus himself first... Please be discerning and save yourself the heartbreak and the exhaustion of carrying this responsibility." (37:53, Ally)
6. What Is Your Role? Shifting Burdens
- Release responsibility: “If you’ve been putting too much responsibility on your shoulders to make change happen, that is what needs to shift.” (43:02)
- Your job: pray, intercede, support, love, encourage—and trust God with the rest.
- Confidence that God hears your prayers:
- 1 John 5:14 – “We are confident that he hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases Him.” (44:49)
- Psalm 34:17, 145:18-19—God hears the prayers of the righteous (52:20).
7. How to Pray & Act for Others
- Pray specifically for the desires and restoration you hope for their life (47:40).
- Even if faith is small, like a mustard seed, it’s enough for God to move (49:15).
- Reference to Mark 5:34 (woman healed by faith).
- Persist in faith and prayer even when outcomes seem far off or don’t match expectations (59:00).
"She would not have actually been healed had she not had the faith to reach for Jesus in that moment. ...It is actually your faith that has made you well. I am the healer. But it wasn’t until you believed I could heal you that I could heal you." (51:45, Ally)
8. Faith, Surrender, and Accepting God’s Timing
- Hold both faith for change and surrender of outcomes (01:04:50).
- Your faith isn’t dependent on getting your way; trust that God sees the whole picture.
- Value: God honors both internal (personal) and visible (action-based) faith (01:09:11).
- Example of friends lowering the paralyzed man to Jesus (Mark 2), illustrating that standing in the gap is both prayerful and practical.
9. What Does “Standing in the Gap” Actually Look Like?
- Intercession: Pray for them, not just about them; carry their burdens in prayer and action (Galatians 6:2, James 5:19-20).
- Healthy Boundaries: Carry burdens, but don’t try to be the Savior.
- Consistency: “Texting ‘I’m still praying’ months later, showing up when they’d rather isolate, advocating when they can’t advocate for themselves” (1:15:00).
- Discretion: Guard their name—don’t gossip or expose.
- Knowing When to Step Back: Sometimes, the most faithful thing is to release control (Psalm 46:10).
"Standing in the gap is loving someone with faith, presence and perseverance without trying to become their God." (1:20:10, Ally)
10. Final Encouragements, Questions for Reflection, and Blessing
- Self-reflection: “Am I okay if this doesn’t turn out the way I want? …I should have enough faith in God that no matter how it goes, I have to be okay because my life is in his hands.” (01:22:10)
- God understands prayers too deep for words (Romans 8:26)—even your groans and tears are heard (01:25:37).
- Assurance: God cares intimately about your prayers, your burdens, and the people you love.
- Closing blessing: “Can we show somebody how cool Jesus is? ...Let’s walk more like Him, talk more like Him, be an example of Jesus.”
Notable Quotes & Timestamps
- On Joy and Prayer:
“His joy is just everything. It is better than oxygen. ...I just declare that over you right now in Jesus name.” (01:50–02:50)
- On Control and Surrender:
“We will exhaust ourselves by believing that we can do that.” (06:50)
- On Only God Transforming a Heart:
“God is then the one to do a work inside that person and change them from the inside out.” (21:35)
- On Faith, Not Size but Sincerity:
“All he needs is faith the size of a mustard seed… give it to Him.” (49:20)
- On Intercession and Standing in the Gap:
“You are a vessel, not the Savior. Standing in the gap is loving someone with faith, presence and perseverance without trying to become their God.” (1:20:10)
- On Surrendering the Outcome:
“He has to be enough. ...God knows better and he sees bigger.” (01:23:15)
Takeaways
- You are not responsible for or capable of changing someone else—only God can do that work, and only if they desire it.
- Your real role: Pray, love, support, encourage, and let God be God.
- Set healthy boundaries; don't crush yourself under the weight of someone else's change.
- Persistent, faith-filled prayers—even when small—can move mountains.
- Stand in the gap with compassion and faith, not savior-complex.
- Surrender outcomes and trust God with both the process and the persons you love.
This episode is both a comfort and a challenge, offering listeners spiritual clarity, practical tools, and hope to walk faithfully alongside others without assuming the weight of God’s role in their transformation.