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Okay, I got the red smoke. Sun runs north and south west of the smoke. West of the smoke. Okay, copy. West of the smoke. I'm looking at danger close now. Cleared. Hot coffee. Clear. Not well. Hello, everybody. It's Friday Q and A time. I tell you what, I enjoy doing these episodes, and I hope people enjoy listening to them. The questions that people send in are humbling sometimes, and I don't mean that necessarily the content of the question, although I guess I to a degree mean that. I guess I mean that people care enough about what I think to ask. So I do the best I can. I certainly don't have the answers to everything. I'm an incredibly flawed human being. I fall short of the person I want to be pretty much every day. But I'm, you know, trying to be on the path to be the best version of myself and to have the most positive impact that I can. And that for the people listening to the answers, is where I view this from. It's not from a place of negativity. It's hopefully from a place of positivity and bringing change if people choose to follow the advice, which all I can really do is give my answer based off my personal experience, which is all my answers are based in. I can't speak for anybody else, but I do the best I can. So let's get into it. Got a couple for today. Hello, Andy. I just finished reading your book and it was worth every penny. Hopefully you didn't pay in pennies because that would be a lot of them. Particularly the section titled I Solemnly Swear hit me like a ton of bricks. And for those of you who haven't read the book in between the chapters, the first thing I ever did, public facing, consumer facing, I don't know the right term when I got out of the military is I started a blog called Confessions of an Idiot, because it's very aptly titled. That was one of the blog posts. It's still up. I haven't added to it in a really long time, many years, because I find this medium of being to sit down and talk through my thoughts to be a faster process than I'm able to write. But I'm glad that I wrote those and I. Hopefully by putting them in the book in between the chapters, I was trying to give people a little bit more insight into who I am, how I think, and what I believe. So my mindset after I got out put me down a pretty dark path for a while. Fortunately, I did not do any irreparable damage to my family. Life. But I came pretty close. Hearing you say how much my service was just as valuable as other service, including yours, made a world of difference to me personally. I'm going to stop right here and I'm going to reinforce and mention again how I feel and why. People in the special operations world largely don't have any control over how much external attention is placed upon their occupation or the operations that they are involved in. But with anything, in my opinion at least, that can potentially receive an oversized amount of attention in comparison to other cohorts, teams, groups, peers, supporting assets. It is easy to lie to yourself and tell yourself that you are the most important. Fill in the blank, whatever analogy that you would want to use, chess piece on the board, player on the field, whatever it may be. Special Operations is a unique job. It is a job that is well suited for the completion of some tasks, but not others. It's a multi tool in many ways, but it's a scalpel in many ways. And if you try to use a scalpel where a Phillips head screwdriver needs to be used, it doesn't really work well. And the inverse would of course be true. I would never recommend surgery to be begun with a Phillips head, even though I'm sure it could plug a hole in somebody or create a hole in somebody. Probably not the incision that you're looking for. Special Operations is not capable of doing their job without entire communities dedicated to supporting them and in addition, conventional forces. It is one of the most heartbreaking things that I hear often the comparison of service through the lens of value or impact. And this goes to the oversized amount of attention that certain communities can face. I have nothing but the utmost respect for the things that conventional military elements and units are tasked with doing. Oftentimes they are much harder than the things that Special Operations are asked to do. They're broader in nature. They cover a vast area of terrain and topography. They can be asked to stay there and hold terrain for days, weeks, months, years, depending on the conflict they live in and amongst the areas where they are operating. Where oftentimes in Special Operations you are being dropped in and then being pulled out and honestly kind of creating issues for those, the battle space owners and those that are living there full time. Not that you shouldn't be there going after those targeted individuals, but there can be cascading downstream effects that you as a member of that element don't actually have to deal with directly, but every, I mean everything from people who analyze and derive the intelligence to the people who are making sure we have the appropriate equipment, from radios to night vision to weaponry, all of those things. The people that move us from place to place, that maintain the aircraft or the assets to fuel them, the mechan. I mean, it just goes on and on and on. Special Operations is a spoke and a wheel. You need the entire wheel to get from point A to point B. And it is unfortunate that many people fall victim in comparison of the value of their service because they had a job or a title that didn't receive as much attention as others did. And it is my hope that people can realize that in almost every sense, comparison truly is the thief of joy or fulfillment. You do not need to compare your service to somebody else's. You do not need to compare your service in peacetime versus somebody who served in wartime. I bet you you probably had no control over the time period that you were born or chose to enter the military. Of course there could have been overlap and you could have been of enlistment age, post military conflict, so you could have chosen to go into it. But if you were born in a period, let's call it 1980, there wasn't a whole lot for you to get involved in until like 2001, other than very small kinetic operations, which were again, small by their very definition. So comparison is tough. All service is incredibly honorable and all service is incredibly meaningful. And it all is required to enable the small section of things that Special Operations is responsible for. And unfortunately they get the vast majority of the lion's share of the attention. And don't ever let yourself or talk to yourself in a way that diminishes your service because of any of those things. And with that I'll go back into the email. As of today, I'm four years sober and two years through a four year mechanical engineering program and finally feel like my life is starting to get back on track and that I will be able to do more with my life than I thought possible for a long time. That's amazing. Congratulations on that journey. This is not all thanks to you, but your book and your podcast has helped me along my journey and I wanted to say thank you. You're very welcome. I also wanted to ask a question I have not heard you discuss yet and maybe others would benefit from you answering. While I was drinking, I feel like I have burnt a lot of bridges with my friends because I was reaching out too frequently, mostly just to gripe and complain about my life while I was half in the bag or all the way in the bag. Part of my healing process was I essentially isolated myself from pretty much everyone except my family. I took a job in a different state to get out of a bad work environment and when the job I was chasing seemed like it was not going to be a good fit long term, I started going to school with the intention of moving back to my home state post graduation so our son can be around my family again. I want to reach back out to those friends again and rebuild those relationships that I feel I damaged and when I do I have small text conversations, but it feels they are standoffish toward me and rightly so. Should I continue trying to build those bridges back or should I just leave them be? I am not worried about relapsing back into alcohol abuse, having these friends because that part of my life is truly behind me and I want to get out of isolation I put myself in thank you again for all that you do and I hope one day to be the mentor and leader I needed for others in the future, especially my son. If there isn't a better motivating reason to try to become, maintain and sustain the best version of yourself, I don't know what it is other than to pass those lessons along to your son. But to your question, should you rebuild those relationships? I think the answer depends on what you want to get from it or what you think it would provide. If you feel like it would enrich your life, then I think sure you absolutely should. If you feel like there are things that you need to atone for, then yes, I think you should at least atone for those things. Whether or not a friendship comes out of that. Maybe leave that up to the person that you need to have this conversation with and make that a part of the conversation, put it in their court and whatever decision that they make, you need to be okay with that. But what I'll say is this. Attempting to do so via text is not what I would recommend. There are a variety of ways to communicate. I would put effectiveness. If we measure this by effectiveness, I would put the written word at the lower end of that, if not the lowest end. Specifically text. Text probably being the worst. And I know anybody listening to this has been either the person sending or receiving a text where somebody applied a tone or intent to what you sent, or you did this in reverse to what you read where the sender did not intend for that to be the case. And I bet most of you have had that happen with your significant other and it's not fun. And most of the time what do you do when a text message starts spiraling a little bit out of control with misplaced tone and intent. You, you stop text messaging and what do you hit? The little phone icon that's next to them and you talk to em on the phone. Even better would be if you're in a close maybe, you know, Leah and I sometimes will text each other from different areas of the house. It's not a big deal. But, and I'm not saying this has happened, but if this had happened in that setting, what I would do is put my phone down and just go walk over and talk to her. So not only would it be a verbal communication, but then we would actually be able to see each other face to face and you can add in body language and reaction and all of those things. I know why you chose texting. It's the easiest way to enter back into those conversations if you really want to reestablish. I was going to say restore, but again that is dependent on the recipient and their choice. Because this is, you know, a relationship is going to require two people and both of you are going to have a choice as to what you want it to be or not want it to be. Today's episode of the podcast is brought to you by AG1. If you've been listening to the show, you've heard me talk about AG1 before, but before you skip this ad, listen up. This is something new. AG1Pro. Stand by. Here we go. AG1Pro is the daily foundational nutrition of AG1 next gen plus advanced gut and metabolic support. AG1Pro helps maintain lean muscle mass by supporting protein synthesis, helping reduce protein breakdown and supporting healthy physical function, body composition and functional strength. The new formula contains 5 grams of crea vitalis, creatine monohydrate and cahmb, which work to support muscle recovery and consistent training performance. AG1 Pro is designed to support cellular energy production and overall metabolic function. 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Visit Drink ag1.com ClearedHot to get your free Ag1 Pro Yeti Shaker in your Ag1 Pro Welcome Kit. That's Drinkag1.com Cleared Hot back to the show Texting is the easiest. It's also the least personal. I think it's the least impactful. I think it's the least effective. What would be really hard and what I think you should do is pick up the phone and call these people. And what I would do if I was in your situation, if I felt like that I had things that I needed to address that I needed to apologize or atone for, depending on whatever term that you would use, that is exactly what I would do. Instead of calling and having, I'm not going to say a meaningless, but a conversation of just wave top surface level back and forth. Oh hey, I haven't talked to you in a while. Just checking in, seeing how things are. You can do that if you want to, but. But is that going to get you closer to where you want to be? You said that you're looking at repairing and rebuilding these relationships. That's going to come through hard conversations, not wave top conversations. So I would pick up the phone and I would call. We'll say Bob. I would call Bob. Or maybe if I was going to text, what I would say is this. I would text and say, hey Bob, it's been a while. I have a few things that I would like to talk to you about. Do you have time for a phone call? But that would be about it. You could phrase it however you want to, but make sure that they realize it's not like I'm going to jump down your throat or this is something that's going to be antagonistic or argumentative. So I would maybe prep the battlefield that way and say hey, do you have time for a call? And then I was on the phone be like listen man, I'm sorry. I would literally open up with that I am sorry and this is what I am sorry for. And you're going to have to fill in the blanks here, but I'll hypothesize or work my way through some made up situations. I'm not saying that these apply directly to you, but like listen, I'm sorry for who I was at that phase of my life. And I'm also sorry for completely cutting you out. But that's what I had to do to allow me to get to a place where I can be on the phone with you right now and have this apology. I needed that time. I needed to figure out who I was. And I am incredibly sorry for my behavior. I'm incredibly sorry for the one way nature of our relationship at that time where I was just dumping on you and probably never asking you what you were dealing with or how you were feeling. I was not the best version of myself. But I feel like I am on the path to building myself to that best version that I want to be. And if you're still open to it, if you would be even considerate, I would like to have you in my life as a part of that journey. I understand that maybe the things that I said or did will make you not want to be in that place. But I'm truly sorry for the way that I acted. It's not who I wanted to be. And if you'd give me the opportunity, I will show you who I am now and who I am working towards if you were to provide that opportunity to me. But at the end of the day, I'm just calling you to tell you that I'm sorry. You didn't deserve the way that I behaved and I shouldn't have behaved that way in the first place. And I wish I could take it back, but I can't. But I can call you directly and tell you that I'm sorry and then shut the fuck up and see where the conversation goes from there. But puts the ball in their court. You take ownership and accountability for your actions and behavior. You explain to them why to the best of your ability you were behaving the way that you were. There's no excuses for it. You're just explaining where you were in your life and what was going on. And if they're open to a continued relationship, you're going to know, but it at least will be based on addressing the issues that you are concerned with or potentially concerned with. And I, and I bet if you have these conversations you're going to get a mixed battle bag of reactions. A couple people might harbor some resentment and be unwilling or uninterested in a friendship. Okay, cool. Actions have consequences. Your previous actions that might be the consequence of that. Some of them are going to say, oh dude, I don't even know what you're talking about. I didn't even hit their radar because for some people it doesn't. And for others they're going to say, you know what? That's awesome, man. It sucked during that time period. I didn't appreciate it at all. But I can appreciate what you're doing. I can appreciate you getting out in front of this and talking to me and telling me where you're at now and what trying to do. Let's get together and have a cup of coffee or hey, let's stay in touch. Maybe they've moved on in their life as well too. Or, you know, their life situations have changed. So at a minimum, you're putting the ball back in their court. And that is the best advice that I can give you. And I'll tie it back into the last sentence. You know, the, the mentor and leader that you needed for others or you wanted to be for others and what you want to be in the future for your son. If your son was in the situation that you were in right now, what advice would you likely give him? I suspect it'd probably be pretty close to the advice that I just gave you. What's the next step that you'd really like to see from your son? Take action on that advice and hopefully have real world impact. So that's all I got for you. Hopefully it helps. Question number two. This one going back to conversations as well, a little bit, but different. Andy. I began listening last year and have since gone back to hear the Q and A episodes from the start. I am drawn to your willingness to look at situations objectively and logically as well as you being a great represent representation for the name Andy. I guess there's no way of saying this other than this person's name is Andy as well. I normally leave all the names out of it, but you know, we're both Andy's in this situation. We'll leave out the last name. That way nobody really knows what I'm talking about. Maybe he goes by Andrew. See, there you go, hiding in plain sight. I'm always delighted to hear the conversations you record between you and your dad. It's clear you have a great relationship with him. I think this is significant, especially given what you've shared about the generational challenges in your family. For those of you. Hold on, let me finish this sentence. And how tough it can be to navigate relationships with our own children. What he is specifically talking about is my father's relationship with his father. We were disowned by my grandfather, which is not, I don't think, a legal thing or any Action that's actually taken other than how somebody behaves. When I was pretty young. I've talked about this before, I swear. It was Christmas, maybe New Year's Eve. There was a Christmas tree up and we were at my grandfather's house one of the last times I saw him. And there was weird red lights flashing around on the ceiling. I remember looking at him going, that's wild. And not putting together the pieces. It was from the cop cars, actually, I think it was the sheriff's apartment outside because he had called the cops. Because my father was there trying to talk to his mom about where he saw the direction of the family going and that he wanted his mom to be a part of that. And my grandfather did not respond well. She ended up passing. He ended up remarrying in about four seconds and actually announcing his new bride at my grandmother's funeral. Super classy move, by the way. And yeah, we'll leave that there. But families are tough. I don't know of anybody who has a perfect family. Maybe the generation that you're living with has got things pretty dialed. But I bet you for every family, if you go far enough back, you're going to find drama and strife and frustration and difficulty because human beings are complex and relationships can be complex and maybe even more so when you are genetically tied to the person because you'll tolerate more and things will can hurt you more deeply and you're just more deeply intertwined. Back to the question. I do not have a contentious relationship with my dad, but I wouldn't say it's great either. We certainly could never talk the way I hear you and your dad talking. I'm 35 years old with an 11 year old and a 4 year old. I'm looking for guidance on what must be true on what must be true for me to cultivate a positive, lasting relationship with my own children. Any advice is appreciated. It's a fascinating question and this is the limitation of this type of medium. I wish you were sitting in that chair because I would have questions for you and the first one would be why do you feel like in your assessment, why do you feel like you could never talk to your dad the way that you hear my dad and I talking through issues or conversations? And for clarity, my dad's communication, my dad and I's communication on all issues since we've known each other in life hasn't always been great. We've had some pretty vehement disagreements in person and over the phone there's been some elevated tone. There's been some yelling, of course, only from my dad. I would never lower myself to do such things as heavy as I can put the sarcasm on. For people, by the way, joking. It's a work in progress. And I think more than anything, both sides of the equation have to commit to being able to have those types of conversations and maybe even commit to the realization that you can have a conversation that involves disagreement without emotion and that if emotion does creep its way into conversations, you can stop it and put a pin in it, separate yourself from that situation or from that person. Maybe just go for a 10 minute walk together if you want, or separately just have a little bit of a gap or a break in time and realize that that's actually the healthy thing to do. Piling emotion on top of emotion on top of emotion until emotion is driving your decision making process and the things that are flying out of your mouth is an absolute recipe for disaster. How do I know that? Oh, I've tested it many times and it's not something that I want to do ever again. So I try to caution myself against that and remind myself of that. My dad and I have had conversations like that where emotion was leading as opposed to objectivity or logic. It happens. But that's the first question I would ask you is why do you think that's the case? And the second question would be how do you think your dad would respond to that question if he was asked? Do you think that your dad would describe your relationship in the same way? Because even though it's the same issue, you have two different optics on that. And I wonder if both of those optics would align or if your dad would say, say no, we're totally fine, we can talk about anything then that's not to say either of those are right or wrong, but at least you know the starting point with which you can work from. So what I would say is this. If you value those type of conversations and that's what you want to have with your kids, practice them, have those type of conversations, if you understand that it can help. And I'm not saying just those conversations have what has cultivated a positive and lasting relationship with my dad, they certainly haven't hurt. I can think of and take a second here to think if there's any potential downside to having good communication when it comes to a lasting relationship in the moment. Thinking right now I can think of no potential downside for that flipping that contentious conversations impact on lasting relationships. Yes, a lot of amazing relationships, potentially unlimited downsides. So sure that exists for sure. If you recognize in others in the dynamic of their relationship something that you see that you would like to emulate or replicate in your own relationship. I think the biggest steps, one you've already identified, that's a big one. And sometimes you may not be able to identify what you do want, but perhaps you can identify what you don't. That's a good starting point too. There's lessons to be learned from both positive and negative for me and I'm gonna go to switch over to leadership here for a second. Really effective and positive leaders, they. It's oftentimes difficult to understand exactly what it is. What's the special sauce that allows them to do this? Is it character traits? Is it the way that they conduct themselves? Is it the way that they think? Is it all of those things? They can be very nuanced and subtle and how they are effective. The train cartwheeling off the track example of poor leadership is a little bit easier to look at and say, ooh, that's not what I want, that's not what I want to be. I definitely don't want to do that. So look for examples of both of those. For me in my life, it's a little bit easier to point out the potentially negative ones or to watch from a distance. The fact that people argue like what I'm about to describe in public is just insane to me. But you see it interpersonal relationships, intercouple relationships. I see it between parents and children and they're just in a public setting, behaving in a way that I know if it was recorded and they were forced to watch it back in a non emotional state, they would be mortified by their behavior. Or I at least hope they would be mortified by their behavior. And I remind myself of this often. By the way, I've talked about this before too. It's the video recorder thought process of keeping it in the back of your mind. Man, if I had to watch how I'm behaving right now, a day from now when I'm in a totally different headspace, am I going to be proud or ashamed of what it is that I'm watching? And that can really help you keep on the boundaries and guidelines as well. But if you see people who are acting like that, recognize how horrendous it can be and how damaging it can be and just think back into your own life. We've all experienced something that's like that. I, I don't bet you that's not what you want with your relationship with Your sons or you actually didn't say so. Your children, I'll say so. Make sure you learn from those lessons as well. But if you can identify the things that you see in other people's relationships, that seems to be working well for them and you want to emulate them, the only thing that you are left with or that you are left not doing right now is reps, is practice. So model the relationship you want to have with your kids. With my own children, here's what I don't do. I don't pretend like I know everything. I don't pretend like I'm the smartest person in the room. I don't pretend like I have all the answers. I don't pretend like I don't fail. I don't pretend like I don't have hard days. I don't pretend like everything is always going my way. I try to be really open and honest and just have back and forth conversations with my children, not only about what's going on in my life, but what's going on in their life. The things that I am worried about, the goals that I might have, the things that they're worried about, the goals that they may have. And you have to listen as much as you're willing to talk about these things as well. When I make a mistake, when it comes to the behavior of what I want my relationship to be or my behavior with my children, I address it as soon as I recognize that I have fallen short of the person that I want to be. And oftentimes it's a compounding issue that has nothing to do with one of my children. Maybe I had a shitty day. Maybe I'm a little bit more tired or didn't sleep well or travel. Traveled or whatever it is. And I'm more snappy than I should be. And I have a stupid emotional reaction to something that should require no emotional response. This happens to everybody. What I do is I go and I'm like, listen, I'm sorry, I. I shouldn't have reacted that way. That's completely on me. A total. You don't deserve to be spoken to like that. I'm sorry. And you know, this is what's going on in my life, which I think probably contributed to me behaving in that manner. But it actually had nothing to do with you. And I'm sorry, please forgive me. I've never had that go poorly with my children. If anything, I would like to believe. And you'd have to ask them. It's, you know, if you ever meet One of them in the wild. Feel free to go and and do that. All three of my kids are kind of Chatty Cathy's to a degree, so be careful what you ask them. You're going to get a very verbose answer. I have no idea where they got it from. Sarcasm as well. Again, I can't lay it on any thicker, but I think it has helped. I think it would help for you as well. Conversation is a skill. I don't. I think some people come out of the box with a more developed sense and ability in conversation, but just like anything else, I think he gets better with practice. I would like to believe that I am better at hosting a podcast and facilitating a conversation now than I was eight or nine years ago when I started the audience and listeners. That is for you to decide and judge because it's not fair for me to judge myself through that lens. But I hope that's what I have learned and refined my ability. And all that is is conversation after conversation after conversation. So identify what it is that you want and what you want it to be, and then look for things that you can practice and reinforce that will drive your relationship toward those things. But honestly though, don't give up with your dad either. If it's not great, that's not amazing. That's not what I want for you. But that doesn't have to be an immovable position from which you can never deviate. If you recognize that it's not great either. Okay, what's stopping you from doing something about that? And let's say you realize you need to work on the way that you communicate with your dad, but you also realize he needs to work on the way he communicates to you as well. You have the realization for both of you, that's fine. Maybe that's totally real. My suggestion is this. Focus the lion's share of your effort, if not all of it, on what you can control, which is your interaction in those conversations. Maybe the relationship will never get better. I have seen this happen as well. It's just sometimes there are two competing personalities that cannot align. They are like the two negative ends of a battery being pushed together and they constantly just want to be driven apart. That is real. But I think that's pretty statistically anomalous, especially if it's your own family. It's at least worth a try. And what you might find interesting, because I've seen this happen many times when one person takes the total ownership over the what they can control, which is their communication style or skill or ability, and they change the way that they approach the conversation, the other person will change as well, even if they would tell you till they're blue in the face that they don't need to. And all of the problem is on your side. Now, that's not always the case, but it's pretty common. So take over ownership over what you can, but don't give up on your relationship with your dad. Regret is an emotion I think we will all deal with to some degree in our life, but I'm trying to minimize that. So when I get to the end of the lap on the track that I have, which nobody knows how long we have, or how many of these potential interactions you can have with your dad, I don't want to feel regretful about things I. E. Did, or maybe even more importantly, didn't do. So food for thought. Don't give up. 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I've seen people putting these in cocktails and margaritas. I put it on eggs. I had oysters the other day, put it on the oysters. It was unbelievable. So. And you know, I'm going to say Father's Day. I was going to say Firecracker Day, but Father's Day is right around the corner, as is Firecracker Day, July 4th. Get your dad something that he'll actually love and appreciate and use. Head over to Firecracker Farm and support the American dream. Back to the show. All right, question three. This one is very, very far out of my wheelhouse, but I'm going to do the best I can. Andy. I'm a high school junior and in an ideal world I would be asking some kind of question about advice for someone wanting to go into sof, which stands for Special Operations. However, that's not why I contacted you today. My little sister has always been on the frail side and struggles with her weight. However, for the last two months she has slowly progressed from eating small portions as she always has, to full on, excuse me, near anorexia. We both parents and myself caught onto this late and after she had started making herself throw up after every meal where she didn't eat. Anyway, yesterday, which was a Saturday, I think you sent this email in a little while ago, so I don't know. This is obviously not yesterday anymore. She had to get an IV to prevent from fainting. Despite being 13, her weight is that of an 8 year old. Everyone from me to my grandmother who is a professor of toxicology, to the doctors and nurses at the hospital have explained this to her. However, she still consistently eats small bites and only refuses and refuses to improve. She blames everyone around her for only talking about her health and pressuring her to eat. Meanwhile, she also says there is a problem with her but doesn't know what to eat or know what to do to eat. I have no idea what to do as an older brother or a son. For my parents, any amount of knowledge or wisdom would be wildly or widely. Wildly, widely. Pick whatever term you want. Appreciate it. Thank you. Okay, I opened with this. This is very, very far outside of my wheelhouse I am not a doctor. I am not an expert in eating disorders, mental health, therapy, counseling, any of those things. But this email, this sucks. And I don't mean it sucks. Well, I guess I do mean it sucks reading it. But it sucks that you're going through this and the fact that you can as a junior, still as a young man, and what you're worrying about is how you can be the best brother and son to your mother and father. That's a pretty awesome and reflective thing to do. I'm not sure I was capable of doing that. I'm going to hypothesize or guess that you're 17 years old or maybe 16, depending. I was. I might have repeated first grade, so I might have been one of the oldest people in my class versus one of the youngest. But that's okay. My birthday's in October, so it's normal for that to happen. Not a big deal. Anyway, you're probably 16 or 17 when I read your email, the totality of it. She's already at this point needing to interface with medical professionals because of fainting. She's 13 with the weight of an 8 year old. There is clearly something going on here and she is also able to verbalize that. But your words. She says she doesn't know what to do to be able to eat. The only advice I would have for you, two things, and this is the first one. Never stop telling your sister. Never, never, never, never stop telling your sister how much you love her and that the reason that you are concerned is because you have an indescribable amount of love and concern for her. Make sure she understands that this is coming through the lens of your care for her. It may not be any easier receive that information, but the last thing that you would want would be for her to think this is coming from something along the lines of judgment, whatever other negative association it may be. So, one, support because you love her for who she is. Two, I think the only thing you can do is suggest to your parents that they find people who specialize in exactly this. And I don't know if the answer to that is a medical professional. If this is. Again, is there a hormonal aspect to this? Is this something that can be addressed via a medical intervention? And I'm not saying, oh, you got to put somebody on it. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying the body is a complex system and sometimes when some of the levers are out of place, it can have cascading downstream problems. I would if I was looking this as my own daughter, I would be moving heaven and earth to find somebody who specializes specifically in eating disorders and probably from a mental health therapist counselor combination. Nothing would stop me from getting my daughter to interface with somebody who may have some tools that they can throw at this to give her suggestions on what she can do to at first maybe stop the negative momentum, hold a flat line and then start building back. Even though I'm not an expert in this, my guess would be that if unaddressed or if those higher level of cares are not implemented, it's not going to improve. It's not a guarantee that it's going to get worse. But I don't think it's going to improve on its own and I think that's okay. As an individual, you don't have to have the solution to every problem to include problems that you feel like that you are dealing with by yourself, that you yourself don't understand. It's so wild to say that as a human walking around in our flesh suits that we don't. We're not complete and total experts in everything that is going on or why we feel the way that we do, or why we have the desires that we have or the aversions that we have. But there are people out there who can help you. You don't have to have the solution to every problem of you. I have found immense benefit in my life in outsourcing some of the questions that I have had about myself in my life. Why am I like this? Why do I feel this way? Why do I have a reaction to this, that or the other A, B or C? Fill in the blank. It's been profoundly impactful on my life and in many people that I know who have been able to commit to the idea of talking to somebody about that. And your sister may push back on this concept. And I don't know if it can be forced, I really don't. But I think the answer, or an answer, maybe not an answer is not the right word. A positive potential solution. I just don't want to speak in absolutes or certainties or provide false hope comes from a higher level of care. I think in a situation like this, the move is this is a red star cluster, a flare going up. This is a call for help. You have to provide it, do it swiftly, aggressively, and all through the lens of love and care. Your role is as a support network to provide that love and to assist your parents in, in the ways that you can. But it's gonna probably Take the entire family working together and I hope that you guys can find again stop the degradation of the physical condition. I don't mean as the person develop a flat line and slowly start building back from there. The answer to these or the the path out? Not the answer, but the path out from here is not going to be measured in days. It takes time. There could be deep seated procedural processes between the ears that need to be reconditioned, or a thought process or an approach that needs to have time and reps under the belt for this to make a difference. But you have to try. So that would be my advice. Love your sister to the best of your ability. Let her know that this all comes from care and love and then recommend to your parents. You can't tell your parents what to do. I mean, you could if you want to. The conversation may not go well depending on the moment you catch them in, but perhaps just suggest very strongly that they take a look at something specifically targeted and tailored for this issue because it seems like you've been able to identify it pretty well. And that is all I have for you. Please check in in the future, hopefully with an update that things got better. But either way, please let me know. Question. How many questions have we done? This is three. No, is this four? Is this three? Nobody even knows we're on. Whatever question that we're on, I think it's four. Shifting gears back to something I at least know a little bit about. Hey, Andy, I started to play the wonderful sport of Jiu jitsu in the beginning of March. So you're April, man. Three months in almost. I've yet to submit someone, anyone yet. But I'm getting better at defense and I'm not going to get and I'm not getting submitted as much as I was when I first started. Food for thought. Try to submit somebody with boredom. You're not going to get a tap from it. But your inability to be submitted or to be able to defend yourself can be super frustrating for some people. Take it as a moral victory. So you might not be getting the tap, but maybe you're getting some free oceanfront real estate in their head. And I'm going to call that a victory. So it's going to come, by the way. So you're new to something that the people that you're training with, if they have just a limited amount of experience and exposure beyond what you have. Yeah, it's a problem. I totally get it. Uh, so you're not getting submitted as much when you first started. That's great. That's normal transition. I play. I play. Oh yeah, that's right. Because you started to play the wonderful art of Jiu Jitsu once a week at an army base. Not unlike yourself. I started after my friend Ken pushing me to do it. So I have a friend hypothetically named Nelson. I've told this story, but he was, I think a four stripe white belt when he met me or I met him. I like to tell people Nelson's my friend, not the other way around. I'm not Nelson's friend, but again, sarcasm. He was probably the spokesperson for a cult recruiter. Any cult out there would have appreciated his tact when it came towards Jiu Jitsu. Jiu Jitsu, Jiu Jitsu, Jiu Jitsu. It's everything. It's everything. It's anything. We have to go, we must go. You must try. You must start. So finally I said, okay, I'll start. Loved it immediately. Of course, obviously I've stayed with it. Nelson got his blue belt shortly after I started. Nelson is still a blue belt because he doesn't train. Because he has eight hobbies in time for six. Or he probably. Honestly, he has 12 hobbies in time for four, if we're being totally honest here. And he. His time kind of just fell off the mats, which is totally fine in my opinion. It's. It has a place in people's life at some time and then life changes and then it has a different place or you find something else to provide the fix providing for you. But I understand what you're saying. The friend pushing you to do it. Anyway, I weigh. This is the person writing in 185 and you're five, eight. A lot of dudes are 225 plus. One of the biggest lies you'll hear in this activity known as Jiu Jitsu, is that size and strength don't matter. You're never going to HEAR Somebody who's 5, 8 and 185 say that unless they are training in a room full of children. Only big people say like that because size is awesome and strength paired with size is even more awesome. Let's just call it what it is. That's okay. You learn. I think most people do. Along the way you can kind of shelve those attributes and then you really kind of fall in love with the technique aspect of. I don't and I don't know what to call it. Is it a sport? Is it an activity? Is it a pursuit? Is it a hobby? I don't know. You fill in the Blank. We'll put that buffet table out there of terms that you can use. You fill it in with whatever you want. I like to call it. It. What do I like to call it? It's an endeavor, an endless endeavor, like Greg Anderson's podcast, who's currently rolling his way across the Pacific Ocean because he has mental health problems. But I digress. Let's say it's a sport, and maybe for you, the sport becomes a hobby. It's an art, whatever you want it to be.
- [47:16]
B
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- [47:42]
A
Start your free trial@shopify.com Back to the question I'm struggling with. When I'm on the bottom and can't shrimp out or get them off of me. Shrimp is a very foundational move, even though there's a guy out there named Adam Singer who is super smart but has said something incredibly stupid, that there are no foundational principles in jiu jitsu. I don't know how somebody who has an IQ that high could say something that dumb. But again, I digress. Maybe his name's not Adam Sing. Maybe it is hard to say. It's a foundational move generally associated with moving your hips away, and it allows the beginning of an escape. I know that you are a bigger guy, so I guess that this question is more for Michael, but any suggestions you may have or can recommend some videos to watch, it would be appreciated. Thanks for your time. So how do you get out from underneath big people? Is essentially this question. Sometimes you're not gonna be able to. I am sorry. So a couple suggestions, if you can. Here's what I would say. One time a week at an army base. Awesome. Is it possible that you could do two? And I only say that because I see a little bit more progression a little bit quicker from people who will train two times per week as opposed to just one. If one's all you can get, don't change anything. I totally understand the maths are always going to be there for you. But just understand it might take you a little bit longer to understand these escape sequences or concepts that you're going to Be able to apply against a practitioner that's training a little bit more than you are, that is bigger than you are as well, too. Twice a week seems to be pretty sweet people. They remember what they learned from the previous class, and they can apply it sometimes, or at least conceptually think about it in the classes going forward. But again, don't let Jiu Jitsu get in the way of your life unless you're gonna become a competitive jiu jitsu terror. I think that's what they call it, Jiu Jitsu person, whatever it may be. Otherwise, make sure you live your life as well, too. So the biggest thing is this. You've only been at this for a few months. You need a little bit more time. There is a, you know, 185 to 225. That's £40 at that difference there. You are going to need to be training. By the way, I'm not a coach. I'm an aggressive jiu jitsu hobbyist, and that is it. I don't compete. I don't coach people for a living. So just take that with a grain of salt. I would say you're not gonna have a whole lot of success for probably six months, going one time per week. And if you think about that, let's assume on the. Let's go on the high end, there's five weeks per month, which there isn't, obviously. Times six months, that's 30 classes. You know, if you go two times a week, that'd be 60. There's going to be a difference in performance for those people that start together and have that amount of time on the mats, which is where you are going to actually be able to practice these things. I don't think there's anything wrong with watching videos, but one thing you can't do with a video is feel the pressure and the feedback of what that person in the video is demonstrating. And oftentimes in videos, there's the person demonstrating the technique, and then there's what they call the uki, which is the person who is on the other side of that technique in a. That's being done to them. Oftentimes they're just flopping around. They're not applying realistic pressure. They're a very witting participant, and they should be. As an uki, you want to be a good uki, but you also don't want to oversell it. You need to let the person actually do the technique that they're trying to show you with an appropriate amount of pressure. You also don't want to be out there smashing the person, trying to show something. And I've seen that, and it doesn't go well at all. That's not how friends are made. But. But what you can't feel is anything when you watch those videos. And some of this stuff requires timing. It requires the appropriate angle, the appropriate pressure, and you need to elicit something from the person before you are able to move yourself. That's tough. In videos, you can get the concepts, but you're going to be limited to that one time that you're going to the mass per week to practice those things. So no, I cannot give you a technique that's going to instantly help you. What I can say is this. Stay the course, keep going. Even if it's only one time per week, I assure you that it will get better. You will develop a better understanding. And right now you are actually learning, in my opinion, one of the most important aspects of Jiu Jitsu. And that is how to stay calm and survive in a bad position. That is a skill in and of itself. There are plenty of times where somebody is just putting it to you and you'll have a elevated heart rate and you think you can't breathe. There's a difference between thinking you can't breathe and not being able to breathe. Can you make a micro adjustment and just barely get off of being flat backed onto the ground and put a little bit of an angle into it and you'll be shocked at how much your ability to breathe improves. Are you holding tension in areas where you don't need to? Are you fighting needless battles in area that it's not going to net you anything other than exertion? And your energy bar is going to start to decrease. You have to learn how to survive before you can learn how to thrive. It's true in life as well. But this is the journey of anybody who starts Jiu Jitsu. You end up spending a lot more time surveying the ceiling tiles or counting the blades on the fan when you first start. And then eventually, what I'm saying is, you're on your back looking up. At some point, it becomes a scramble. And then you get to spend a little bit of time looking down at the ground. And then you're probably going to get swept and end up looking up the ceiling fan again. But by that point, you know how many blades, exactly how many ceiling tiles, all the things that are on the wall. I get it. We've all lived there. Time is the only answer to that. But in the time you have right now, Focus on being as calm and as relaxed as possible. Recognize when you are in danger and when you are not in danger. There are times where you need to exert yourself, in times where you can actually recover and rest, even when you're in a bottom position. But you have to really kind of focus on those things to move the needle on that. And so that's what I'd recommend for you. You're on the path. You're on the journey. Stay on the path. Stay on the journey. Master the fundamentals. And I would say focus, as opposed to videos that you want to watch. Focus on what it is that your coach is teaching you and showing you, and try to work on those things. I'm not saying don't watch videos, but if you have a choice between working on what your coach has just showed, hopefully it's something fundamental. But again, variety of different teaching and maybe the curriculum that you're on, you're in a cycle that isn't necessarily on the fundamentals, so that's totally fine as well. But if you can focus on what the coach is doing or if you have the choice between the two, that or watching Instagram or YouTube videos, depending on what your coach is teaching. Like when you're first starting, if they're teaching you an inverted De la Riva imminari roles, which, by the way, I don't even. I know those rewards are real. I don't think you can combine them in that way. Maybe then you should look at some fundamental principles on Jiu Jitsu techniques. But if that's not the case and they're. They're working on what I would consider to be fundamental Jiu Jitsu, I would work there and master those things as opposed to spending the. The time on the Internet. It's a tool. Make sure the tool is working for you as opposed to the other way around. That's all I got for you. Last question for today. It's kind of a longer one, but I'm going to answer it pretty succinctly. My question, my LPO was a former SEAL and got kicked off the teams. He was never actually. Or he has never actually told me why he got booted. But I have heard two things. One, he couldn't hold the standard or something to that extent. Or two, he didn't want to kill people. So let's just stop right there. Option one, likely. Option two, this guy's full of shit. For people who may not know this, the vast majority of people in the SEAL community have never killed anyone or been into A position where they were asked to do so. You train for it for your entire career. You are either unlucky or lucky, depending on the optic that you view that particular act as. But well under 50% of people, in my opinion, especially as we go out of the global War on terror era, have ever actually been in a place where they have had to end another human life. And I'm thankful for that because it can come with a burden and everybody's cup has a different volume that they can tolerate. So the second one is possible, but highly, highly implausible. Now, so about this guy. He is obviously older than me, has more time in the Navy and higher rank than me, but at this specific job in command, he's maybe a year senior to me, if that. I have more experience than him doing this job. But he is the LPO. And I wonder that how he is the LPO. I wonder that every day because we have three first classes, which is an E6, two of which who have way more experience than him and are way more qualified. Everybody is in awe of this guy because he was a seal. And I don't get it. Because he got kicked out. So this guy is lpo, which stands for Leading Petty Officer. And he's genuinely an asshole. And I. And I feel like he's just not a good person. For example, although it's minute, he's always telling people to call him by his last name, not his first. Then he calls everyone else by their first name. Makes people clean up his mess, gets mad when he gets corrected about doing something wrong. Went to the Chiefs when I called him out and said I was disrespecting him. And then he got drunk once and cussed at a little kid when at a gathering. Keep in mind, a lot of this stuff has been out in the open and nobody but me has called him out. He can never be wrong. He thinks he's the expert at everything, but a lot of the things he talks about are just wrong. And still nobody corrects him. I have stopped correcting him because he pulled me into a room and yelled and yelled, what's your problem? I said, what are you talking about? He said, I think your problem is that you think we are equals. We aren't. And then I kind of just tuned him out after that because I can't take his. I can't take him serious anymore. I started to think he got kicked out of the teams because of his character and not what he's told others. What is a reason someone would get kicked out? Why do you think he got kicked out? How is it possible that he's supposed to lead people when he has less experience than the majority of people he's leading? What's the best way to ride out two years I have left before I get out without snapping on this guy and getting in trouble? How can the higher ups not see the red flags about putting someone who gets kicked out of such a respected community in a leadership role? It could just be me, but I have never had any problems with anybody else in the Navy except this guy. So maybe I just need to get over myself. Okay, There's a lot here. I'm starting to think that he got kicked out of the teams because of his character and not what he's told others. There's a very high likelihood that that's correct. I think, again, you didn't say exactly what he says as far as getting kicked out, but I would imagine that it's not a good idea for you to listen to much of what comes out of his mouth after he starts telling that story. Because here's the issue. He left one community and now has the ability to paint his narrative going forward. He can tell you whatever he wants because there's no one left to fact check him, unfortunately. Or hopefully you would have some connection to an active duty SEAL or the community. And you could do a little bit of research and beta on this guy because if he was kicked out, I would imagine people would know why. Also, was he actually a seal? Did he earn his trident? It's really weird to hear of somebody having their trident removed and not being kicked out of the Navy in association with that. To have it removed and then being set to the fleet. Not impossible. Just didn't hear about it happening much when I was in. To your question, how can he be an LPO or leading petty officer when more people have experience than him? That's very simple. The military is a rank based organization, not an experience based organization. So likely on the Excel spreadsheet of where rank sits, he is going to be at the top of that. And that's kind of how it works as you know, based off your time in the military. So that's an easy answer to that one. So a variety of reasons why people can get kicked out. There could be character issues, there could be moral issues, there could be integrity issues, there could be subpar performance, there could be alcohol related incidents. A combination of all of those things. None of those. And no job excuses somebody from being an asshole. The reason that your leadership isn't doing anything about this is that they're not paying any attention to this guy. And if they are and they're allowing this to happen, then they are poor leaders because what they are doing is allowing somebody that is infecting and having insidious consequences from everybody that is below them. The LPL for people who are not in the military, or at least on the Navy side, is the senior. I'm not going to say senior enlisted. It's an enlisted rank in the Navy. The jump between E6 to E7 on the enlisted side is the jump between what I'll call mid level to senior enlisted leadership. The Chief Petty Officer, senior chief Petty Officer, Master Chief Petty Officer, you. There's a ceremony associated with that. There's a transitional phase associated with that. Your change of uniform, a change of a lot of things, sometimes dining conditions, birthing conditions, all of those things. It's a big deal. E6, you need to have your LPO ticket punched, meaning a completed, successful tour before you even considered to be eligible for E7. And as it comes in, seniority. That's why things like this actually happen. But if that person is being allowed to negatively impact everybody else underneath him, then your leadership is failing him. If he got kicked out of the SEAL community, it's not for a good reason. And maybe the guy is an. Maybe he is a piece of. Or maybe he had a lapse in judgment and was ejected from the community because he couldn't hold that standard. And that should not flush him down the toilet for everything else in the rest of his life. But it's also not a free pass to treat people like either. So I would distance yourself from this individual to the best of your ability, but you've lined out, you know him demanding other people call him by his last name, but he calls everybody else by their first cussing at. A little kid doesn't like being called out when they do something wrong and will go to leadership to complain about those things. This guy's a bitch. All right. He's a little bitch. There's a reason that he got kicked out of the SEAL community. And I can tell you, based off of that behavior, he's going to last about four seconds in the community that he came from. But I bet you he's real resentful that he's not in there anymore and what is he doing? He's turning that lens and that behavior back onto you, and that's not your fault. But the best thing you can probably do is control your proximity to this person. Because if your leadership above you isn't going to do anything about it. You don't want this to ruin your military experience or your career. So manage proximity. Two years is a long period of time, but it's maybe the only thing that you can actually do. If you have the ability or a relationship with somebody higher up the chain of command and they ask you for feedback, which doesn't happen often, but if they ask you for feedback or if anything is going on, or if you have the ability to fill out a command climate survey or there is a suggestion box, be honest with your experience and what it is that you're seeing and the impact that it is having. Do some research. If you can reach out to somebody who is still connected to the community, I bet you that you're going to find the real reason for this person being removed for the community is not what they're telling you and it's not going to be an impressive reason. And it sounds like based off of everything you have described, it was the right call. Unfortunately, this is called kicking the can down the road. The community took a problem and again, I don't know, was this guy actually a seal? Did he earn his trident? Did he just graduate buds and then got ejected afterwards? There's a difference between those two things. None of those things by the way though, excuse poor behavior. If anything, if you were a seal, people should expect even better behavior out of you. Better, better professionalism, conduct of your character. But probably those are reasons why he got ejected in the first place. It's not a free pass to treat people like at all ever kicking the can down the road. This may be an issue where ejection from the military would have been a better option. But instead the community just went ahead and kicked that can over to the conventional side of the house and now you guys got to deal with it. So I'm sorry to hear that. Focus on what you can control. Control yourself, control your proximity and research this guy if you can and let me know what you find. I'm curious. That's all I have for today.
- [64:43]
C
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