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Okay, I got the red smoke. Sun runs north or south. West of the smoke. West of the smoke. Okay, copy. West of the smoke. I'm looking at danger close now. Oh, wait a minute. Give it to me. I mean it. You're cleared hot coffee. Cleared hot. Well, hello there, everybody. I'm still fighting off a cold that was given to me by, by Michael. I think taking a chapter out of the book yet to be written, extremely limited ownership. Chapter three. I don't know what happened, but it was definitely somebody else's fault. Somebody got me sick, so I'm working my way through it. I got a little beverage in front of me to help soothe the throat. Got four questions for today. Let's just dive in. We started off with a little bit of an easier one. A little lighter maybe. Not easier, lighter. Whimsical in nature, humus for nature, whatever it may be. There's a couple heavy ones in here today, but let's get into it. Question one. I get this question all the time too. Or versions of this. A suppressor on a pistol does not seem like a logical thing that operators or military personnel would carry for any mission, given it nearly doubles the length of the weapon and carrying that would be cumbersome. I could be wrong, but it doesn't have a place in real military operations. Or is it just a Hollywood thing? I will say this. My n is 1. I can only speak from my personal experience and the people that I was around. I stopped carrying a pistol in general by the time I did my last combat deployment because the. It wasn't really that the theater guidance had changed the operations that we were doing and particularly my role in those operations, put the effective range of a pistol, which even for a spectacular pistol shot, is going to be, we'll call it 100 range, 100 yards max. If you're dropping people to 100 yards with a pistol, Congratulations to you, sir or madame. You're better with the pistol than I am. It just. It was extra weight and I honestly would rather have carried food or water. It does have its place, though. It is more of. If I had to put this on a, you know, the scales of justice, this is going to be weighted more. This little cup of coffee is going to be weighted a little bit heavier towards the Hollywood than the real world. However, there are times where you want a really, really quiet weapon as much as this will probably hurt the feelings of animal lovers. And I am an animal lover, and I'm not stoked to. To say this, but sometimes you have to shoot animals Animals are incredible early warning devices. Do you know what's one of the best early warning devices? And it's not a dog, by the way. And I have no data to support this, but I've read this in more than one location. It's geese. Now, I don't know a lot of people who have private geese, which I think, no, yeah, be goose and geese. But apparently they are one of the best early warning creatures to ever exist. I would not want to shoot a goose with a pistol, but if I did, I would want it to be suppressed. But I probably would want it not even to be like a normal military sidearm is going to be a full.45 caliber or 9 millimeter. I'm sure there's a variety of other ones, but for us, the SIG 226 was the most commonly issued handgun. They messed around with Glocks from time to time. But if you were going to do that and you wanted it to be ultra quiet, you would want to get one where you could actually lock the slide in place so you wouldn't even hear the recoil. It wouldn't eject a casing, so you'd have to undo that and rack another round if you were going to take subsequent shots. But you're probably looking at something along the lines, maybe even a.22 if you're really going for silence. Or as silent as you can get. Because even weapons with suppressors and yes, the suppressor in the trademark paperwork is in fact called a silencer. Even though that's not what it does. It doesn't silence anything. It does, in fact, suppress decibels. That's neither here nor there. Today's episode is brought to you by AG1. How many of you out there treat your mornings like a military operation? That's maybe a touch too far. You have a really good routine. It's structured. It's very intentional. I try to put myself in that category. And for the longest time, what I wasn't doing was treating the tail end of my day in exactly that way. And my sleep scores that I get off of, the wearables and the mattress setup that I have, it almost looked like I wasn't taking it very seriously. Almost because I wasn't. So for everybody out there who doesn't have an evening routine to include myself, let's stop doing that. That is where AGZ comes in. Here. It's a nightly drink that helps you wind down and rest up. It is a melatonin free formula with clinically studied herbs, adaptogens and minerals. It helps your body and mind wind down before bed. It optimizes sleep quality during the night and you wake up feeling well rested without the grogginess. I hate that about other sleep aids where you wake up and you feel like a truck hits you in the face. AGZ is also an excellent source of magnesium. Each serving of AGZ delivers 250mg of highly biohazed available magnesium, providing over half of your daily value. So if you're ready to turn down your stress and focus on rest, head to drinkag1.com ClearedHot and you are going to get a free frother with your first purchase of AGZ that is drinkag1.com cleared hot. Let's start taking our evenings seriously as well, just as seriously as our mornings. Back to the show. It's possible but not very likely that it's going to get used. And like I said, if you were going to use a pistol like that, you'd want the smallest one with the ability to lock the slide as quiet as possible. That's the situation that I would likely see it being used in. However, with advancement in weapons like the MP7 which with the suppressor on it, that thing is whisper quiet comparatively to a lot of other rifle caliber rounds, you're probably just going to go with something like that. So ounces become pounds and if you are in a job where you know, we're bipeds, so everything is going to be likely going to be waistline and up. A lot of people went away from the drop holster stuff which would be attached to a belt and then go down to the legs. It gets super irritating to walk with. It pulls on your hips if you have to run, it's stuff is swinging everywhere. So a lot of people went from waistline and up. If you can shave ounces, which is going to terminate in you shaving pounds, more likely than not, that's what people are going to do. I know a lot of people who decided to stop carrying pistols and you don't. I've never seen anybody use one. I know of one instance and that was Mike Day. I wasn't there and this is a story that I heard like 14th hand at this point. But he was shot 27 times. He was in a room. He woke up. I believe his primary weapon was no longer in his hands. So he did actually transition to his secondary and start shooting. Other than that, I am not aware of anybody that has done that. I'm sure there are people who have actually suppressed the sound of animals. And again it sucks to say that, but that is the reality you'd go through. Quiet, as quiet as humanly possible. Now, in Hollywood, there's often this balance between entertainment and accuracy. What is more entertaining, a guy clearing around corners with a pistol, tiptoeing around like he's James Bond? Yeah, that is. I get it, I get that it's more entertaining. But yeah, again, effective range of a pistol at nighttime on night vision goggles. Are there aiming devices that you could attach to a pistol? Oh, yeah. Guess what? It does. Especially if you have a suppressor on there. Anyway, you're adding more weight, it's more top heavy. You're going to need a different holster or way to carry it. Anything you put on a pistol, especially if you're using a Kydex type holster, it's its ability to clamp down on it is what is actually generally holding it in place. There can be locking devices that you can manipulate with your thumb or index finger, but a lot of it is just the actual squeeze. So if you add things to your pistol, you have to have a even larger holster to deal with that as well. And again, ounces becomes pounds. We're starting to add things here. Where you're going to carry that thing. Is it taking up valuable resources and real estate on your kit? Is there something that you could carry that would probably do more good, be more heavily utilized or more likely to actually be utilized? Yes, and that is the balance. Because if I had a picture of me on the very first target that I ever went on versus the very last target, my goodness, they would look completely different. And I would just describe it as streamlined. That's what the evolution was, cutting things away. This is a double stitched or a double layered set of Molle. We're taking a razor blade and literally shaving that stuff off, moving things around until it fit my body perfectly with zero excess weight, because I was the only one carrying that weight. And it can suck over a long period of time. So I get it. It looks good in the movies. I wish suppressors were as quiet as they are in the movies. They are not. If you have heard one, if you've never heard one go off, you may not understand what it is, but it's still pretty loud. If they're using supersonic ammunition and it were to go by you, you're still going to get the same ballistic crack and snap of the round. And if it's subsonic, it's gonna sound a little bit different. But if you're used to hearing it, you actually still end up knowing what it is. So I wish, I actually wish almost everything that looks so utterly cool in movies or TV or you read about it in a book, I wish it was that cool in real life. It's not. It hasn't been in my experience. And that's not to Introducing Family Freedom from T Mobile we'll pay off four phones up to $3200 and give you four free phones, all on America's largest 5G network. Visit t mobile.com freedom up to $800 per line via virtual prepaid card typically takes 15 days. Free phone via 24 monthly bill credits with finance agreement. Example Apple iPhone 16128 gigs $829.99 eligible trade in example iPhone 11 Pro for well qualified credits and imbalance due if you pay off early or cancel Contact Us Try to diminish the how enjoyable and exciting the job was. I just even myself personally wish it was as exciting as you see on TV because a lot of the times it was really shitty and then you'd have a little bit of awesomeness and then right back to being shitty again. So like I said, I wish I could say that all Hollywood movies were true, but really the only One that is 100% accurate is under Siege. And that's all I have for question number one. Question two Shifting gears. Like I said, getting a little bit more serious and then go to the next one which is a hell of a lot more serious. But let's get through this one. Dear Andy, I hope this finds you in good health. I am in good health. Kind of. I'm a little bit sick, but other than that I'm doing well. Thank you for asking. Longtime listener and first time emailer, I'm emailing because I feel conflicted with my job and anxiety. I am a 23 year old man. I'm in a long term relationship with my girlfriend who is 26 going on three years now and I have been very happy with her and her son who is four. We share one car which limits job opportunities for new jobs because of our work schedules conflicting I feel stuck at my current job. Although a good job with good benefits, I'd say day in and day out, same day after same while being understaffed and underappreciated. So basically it's the same thing day in and day out. You're understaffed and you're underappreciated. I live in a small town with limited job opportunities. The stress from work is affecting my home life. I come home most days still thinking about work. I'm worried about work and stressed about the work I have tomorrow, knowing I'm going to be the only one because we are understaffed. It's only me in my department which is supposed to consist of three people, and I'm still having to complete the work that should be done by those three people. There are not many options at the moment for a new job given the lack of opportunities without taking a massive pay cut and the car situation, my anxiety from work is becoming overwhelming. I do smoke weed recreationally only on the weekends as a way to relax and enjoy some mental peace. I don't drink or use any drugs, but the urge to smoke during the week sometimes is becoming increasingly strong to just give my brain a moment to stop constantly thinking about work. Sorry for the long email. Thank you for reading and taking the time to try to let me see this from a different pair of eyes. Okay, well, let's see if I can provide the ability to do so. Maybe we'll go in reverse here. Said this many times, don't think I'm ever going to change. I support however people want to live their life. If you are of legal age and you want to consume alcohol, make adult decisions around that choice and suffer the consequences, both good and bad, of those decisions. If you want to recreationally use weed and you are an adult and it is legal in the state, city, wherever it is that you may live, go to town, make an adult decision about that and suffer the consequences of doing so, whether they be positive or negative. I am very Switzerland on that approach. As long as you are not abusing other people, specifically children, and living your best, most fulfilled life, who am I to tell you how to live your life? That's not to say that we can't have an open and honest conversation about the pros and cons of things. But I'm not going to tell you how to live or make recreational choices. What I will say is this. Ask yourself objectively if smoking the weed only on the weekends is actually providing you mental peace or is it providing you an escape? And that's not to say one is wrong or right. Let's just be honest about what it is because you're modifying your headspace to get to a place where you're not thinking about your work. I totally understand that now. Is it the healthiest way to do so? Depends probably on your usage, the quantity and the utilization of what you're doing with that time. Is it the most damaging? Probably not. So it's probably not the most useful. But it's also probably not the most damaging as long as you can keep it in check. But what you are already talking about is that the desire to find that headspace because of this building tsunami and crushing weight of the anxiety around your job is leading you to want to lean on that crutch a little bit more. And again, I'll repeat myself. Make an adult decision about how you want to live your life and suffer the consequences of that. What I will say is using a substance, and this is based off my own personal experience through alcohol, using a substance or drinking. And I'll just be very specific about myself drinking because I had a really difficult week and I wanted to unwind or let some steam off or just decompress. Felt good in that moment. Let's say it was a Friday evening, right? You can modify your headspace. You can kind of forget about it a little bit. At least in my own experience, though, when your headspace goes back to being what it was or the chemical, the alcohol in this instance processes itself out of your body. What you're generally left with is a headache, a stomach ache, and still that sense of anxiety. So it creates a space for you that you can ignore it. I think that's probably the most accurate word. And then when that space is gone, it creates a vacuum and then those things come back and on top of it, you don't feel very well. That was my experience with alcohol. At least now with weed, you're probably not going to get that same hangover. But that doesn't necessarily. I'm not advocating for that. I'm just saying pushing out a space and telling yourself that you're escaping my words, not necessarily yours. Just recognize what it is and what it isn't. It's not dealing with any of the problem. It's not creating for yourself a healthy way or approach of dealing with the anxiety. It's just pushing it off a little bit. And I think you're already feeling that it's coming back in anyway, which is making you want to smoke more so you can find that spot again. Make adult decisions on how you want to deal with this. The point in all this is in this email, you only spoke of that one mechanism that you are using to find the escape. My suggestion to you would be, before adding to that, I would find a physical outlet. Now, anybody who follows the show is probably very aware of the physical things that I enjoy doing. I love being outside. I live in a great state for to be able to do that as well. I Enjoy hunting when it is hunting season, which is very short, limited 60 to 90 days depending on what you're going for. I enjoy doing Jiu Jitsu for reasons beyond the martial art itself, but the physical and mental. I don't want to say clarity, but workout that I get in both of those aspects. I, for a long period of time worked for CrossFit and worked out very hard and got that same level of physical and mental relief during those time periods. And before adding smoking more weed to this, my suggestion to you would be to add something physical. What you didn't mention in here is what you're doing to take care of yourself physically because psychologically it feels like you're under a lot of pressure. What do we doing physically to build ourself into the most robust platform possible so we can be able to help tolerate this? I would find a healthier alternative. And you don't have to do jiu jitsu. You don't have to do a spartan race or a tough mudder. Go find a gym, work out hard for an hour, get a good sweat in and focus on. Give yourself just an hour, an hour every day. And whatever it is, whatever activity you choose that speaks to you in that hour, think about that activity. If it's gonna be working out, crush yourself. Don't. If and if you're not used to working out, do me a favor, start slow. Because there's nothing worse than crushing yourself on day one and being paralyzed for the next seven. That's not a really good way to enter into working out if you haven't been. But figure out a way that you can have a very healthy physical outlet and expression. And I think what you're gonna find is that it's going to help you deal with the anxiety and stress of your job. The situation that you're in. Sharing one vehicle. I get it. I have 100% been there. It will limit your options. Maybe sometimes you're just limiting your options by choosing on how you're looking at a situation. I'm sure there are ways where you could solve that issue or the issue you're having with one vehicle. Or there might even be an alternative where, depending on what it is you do and what you make for a living, you could solve the issue by sourcing another vehicle. Have to be high quality and it doesn't have to be high cost. Sometimes you just need to fill a hole so you can drive over the top of it. Now your email is a little bit. It's not incomplete. You sent me what it is that you sent based off, you know, the feedback that you're wanting. I would have some questions if we were here. In a two way conversation, you are expected to complete the work of three people. And my advice to you would be to figure out a way and only you are going to know the tact and approach with which to do this. But if you are one person doing the role of three, that at least leads me to believe that they have the budget for to other people. And the point I'm getting to in this is I would if this company, and I don't even know what it is that you do, but if you are filling the role of three people and they are solely relying upon you and you are feeling this crushing weight and anxiety, I would switching as a, as a business owner, what would I respond the best to from an employee that was in this situation? Or what would I want my employee to do if they were in this situation? I would, this is, and I can only speak for myself again in the way that I believe business should be conducted. I would want this employee to approach me and I would want this employee to be able to describe to me the situation as they see it and have solutions to that situation as well. If I had somebody who was working for me who came up to me and said the anxiety of this job, doing the job of three people and this expectation that I as an individual will be able to always complete the role and the work output of three people is crushing me. It is creating excessive anxiety for me in my personal life. This is bleeding out of my 9 to 5 job and it is having impact in my personal life. And if this continues, I am not going to be able to continue working for this organization or I am going to have to make a change. As an employer, I would want to know that. Now not all employers are the same and some employers might tell you, excuse me, to go pack rocks and say something akin to, yeah, that's great, if you enjoy your paycheck, why don't you just go back and keep doing your job? And that is a response that could just have a little bit of a follow on conversation. And that is, you know, we don't have to have that conversation right now, but that won't be like, why do you want to work for somebody that would treat you like that? If I had an employee that come to me like this and actually express these things, I would try to figure out a solution. Now maybe there are no other job applicants or people who have been applying for the two empty roles but the first thing I would do is acknowledge the fact like, you know what, you are killing it. You are filling the role of three people and you are the only person doing it. There are ways as an employer where maybe I could ease the burden here or help you guys out with schedule. You know, again, not knowing what you do, part of the solution or what you could present as the employee. You could always talk about things like pay. You could, which is not a bad thing. If you are doing the work of three people and getting paid for one. That's a conversation to be had for sure. There is a conversation to be had about bringing somebody in to spread the workload with you and allowing you to elevate yourself a little bit and have this person work for you. So an advancement up this metaphorical ladder while you have the ability to then mentor and teach somebody else. So a little bit of responsibility which could some or should come with a commensurate pay increase. Again, not knowing what type of business that you do, but there are plenty of businesses even where I live that have company vehicles. Maybe you could solve your transportation issue and release a little bit of the burden between you and your girlfriend friend by having a second vehicle that is paid for, gas, insurance, all of those things by the business that you work for. Think about all this stuff and present to your boss reasonable solutions that are not, hey, I want Ford F150 Raptor R Hennessy model truck outside or I'm quitting on Friday. Like, don't you know you can swing for the fences on some stuff, but let's have realistic expectations. I would rather consistently hit doubles and triples than swing for the fence and miss night 99 times out of 100. Especially when you're trying to think of ways to conduct business, talking to your boss or a pitch that you're going to go to somebody with. Be reasonable and also be willing to negotiate. So sometimes you might have to slide a little bit here. Maybe they can't give you a company vehicle, but maybe you could negotiate for a pay increase and having somebody else come into that department. The biggest thing out of this is I would be very clear with your employer the outside effects that this is having on your personal life because nobody can tolerate that forever. And again, I don't know what you do for a living, but you should be able to. I mean, I. What I was about to say is you should be able to leave work at work and when you go home you can focus on being home. But I haven't been able to do that many, many times in my own life. And it's a little bit different now as a business owner because I do spend an immense amount of time thinking about the business. And one of my main things that I think about is are we doing a good enough job to take care of our people? To me, I think we employ not full time, but part time. In totality, about 40 people at the coffee shop. I know what it costs to live here in Kalispell. Is everybody getting the hours that they need? Are we paying people a commensurate pay where they don't have to have four roommates to get an apartment in town? Now, mind you, the job, you know, you're being a barista, probably not going to be able to afford a Porsche 911 and a four bedroom, three bath house, you know, on two acres with a yard. You'll get to that later on in your life. So again, this is where the realistic expectations come in. And I've had these conversations with employees, what they want, what they expect. I've worked here for two months. I want to raise. Okay, explain to me why that you feel that way. I'm not against paying you more money. But you're saying just because you've been here for two months, you should be getting paid more, even though you're doing equal, if not sometimes less than the other people around you who are making the same pay that have been here longer, Right? I'll have these conversations all day long because to me, that's my job. Now, having said that, I have a manager that is in between. There's a balance between being an owner and interfacing direct with the most junior hire. And we have a management staff that handles all of those things. So. And the reason I bring that up is when whoever you're gonna have this conversation with, make sure you follow that chain of command, for lack of a better term, don't jump it and go directly to the owner. Talk to the person who is directly above you, the person that you report to. But nobody will tolerate forever being understaffed and underappreciated. At least if you have the conversation, you're going to be able to judge the response. I don't think you're going to get fired if you're the only person in a department that is supposed to have three people and you're holding it down right now. So you're probably not going to get fired. They may not like your solutions, they may not like your recommendations, they may not like the fact that you actually even voiced anything to them. And that's okay. You're getting some answers to the test. You're getting a chance to flip forward a little bit and actually really determine how long you want to stay in an organization that's going to respond that way to that feedback. Either way, you're gonna have some time. If they change nothing or it gets worse for you, start realistically exploring your options. But don't take off the table. It might get a lot better for you. Cause they might be super receptive. You'd like to believe that owners and managers see everything and know everything. Let me tell you right now, that's 100% not the case. They might be oblivious to what is going on. And they may be oblivious not because they are intentionally doing so, but the person that you work your direct report might actually be in the same situation that you are. This might be an industry wide or a business wide issue that you're dealing with. Who knows? And you won't know until you have that conversation. But I don't want anybody to live in an environment where they are completely maxed out with anxiety, completely maxed out with stress, where they come home from work and all they can do is think about all the work that needs to be done the next day. I don't know of a paycheck worth that over a long period of time. Because you will augur in eventually. And let me tell you right now, if you do, most, most businesses will replace you with a fresh heartbeat and just move on. And I wish that wasn't the case. But I have seen that time and time and time again. So advocate for yourself. Try to find an avenue that isn't recreationally drug based to shed off some of this anxiety. For me personally, if I can get a workout in, I do so much better. And I have found that to be true for the vast majority of people. Not everybody. Maybe you need to go on long walks and download the Merlin app and become a bird watcher. Maybe that's it for you. That's what my dad is doing right now, by the way. That's where that came from. That's my dad's newest side quest. You're welcome. For all of you who think he's a gem on the podcast, this is the shit I have to deal with. And yeah, I need a GPS tracker on him because now he's going places where he doesn't have cell coverage. So Life360 isn't doing it. Elon, I need your help. I need a Starlink associated dog collar for my dad. But that's all I have for this one. Advocate for yourself, take care of yourself. This is a job, right? This is what you do. It's not who you are. But there are options out there when you go and you are going to present how you're feeling, provide solutions as well. They may not take those solutions, but I can tell you as somebody who has been on the receiving end, they will appreciate those solutions. And that's all I have for this question. Today's episode is brought to you by Helix. Still gonna say this, I think every time. This is probably the easiest ad read for me ever because I sleep on one of these mattresses and I have now for the past over. Is it over five years? Wow. It's probably closer to 10 years than it is five at this point. And I just got an email from a listener to the you ordered a Helix mattress. It showed up at their house. They took my advice. They got it into the bedroom before they opened this thing because this has the density of a dying star and it comes in a box that you're not going to believe a mattress is in. And they put it on or opened it up upside down. And I've been there. It's not easy to flip over an upside down mattress. But then what did they say? Amazingly comfortable as soon as they laid down on it. And you know what I responded with? I know these things are awesome. I travel a lot with my wife. We say the same thing almost every trip. I cannot wait to get home so we can sleep in our mattress. Now, you may not know what kind of mattress you are looking for. And this is one of the cool things about Helix, they have a sleep quiz. You just go on there and it'll guide you through. Do you sleep on your back, your side, your stomach? Hot? Cold? Are you a larger person, Heavier person, Lighter person? Do you like a firmer mattress, a softer mattress and it works your way through this and then we'll spit you out some selections. You buy the thing, I'll give you a discount code here in a second. It shows up at your house really rapidly and I am telling you it comes in a box. You're not going to think a mattress is in. Get it into the room where you are going to unbox this thing and when you pierce that seal, a vacuum seal, be prepared. A mattress is going to launch out at you. So listeners to the show right now, there's a fantastic offer, 27% off site wide. I'm pretty sure that email that came in, that listener said they saved close to $1,000 which is amazing, especially given the quality of product you're going to get. Helixsleep.com ClearedHot that is helixsleep.com ClearedHot h e l I x sleep.com ClearedHot you will thank me for it. You will get the best night's sleep of your life. Back to the show. Question 3 I am in my late 20s and my husband is in his early 30s and kids seem to be a topic that we talk about pretty consistently and we hopefully in the next two to three years will add a kid to our family. I grew up with exactly one shit ton of siblings and cousins. It's a fantastic way to describe that, most of which were younger than me. I have also nannied taught swim lessons and have just generally been around kids my entire life. I have changed more dirty diapers than a lot of parents and I can sing you as many kids songs as a preschool teacher so I know enough to know that I know nothing. My husband on the other hand did not change his first diaper until he was in med school and since then he has changed exactly zero. I have since learned it is apparently pretty common for people for their first child to be the first diaper they change. So he does get points for at least learning how. It's been a while since I have had a child in diapers, but we did five years, five straight years of kids in diapers and I remember the last box of diapers, industrial sized Costco box of diapers that I bought. And you want to talk about a difference in money you spend versus money you make when that ends? Holy cow. I mean they're not the most expensive thing in the world, but wow, you will, you'll have enough money to take the significant other out to dinner at the end of the month. That's for sure when diapers end. But thinking back, the very first diaper that I ever changed was Riley's who is now 22 years old, 22 as of last month. And I remember the first time in the hospital I held him and probably changed a diaper within 24 hours of him being born. But that was it. I mean, I wonder if people I'm sure there's parenting classes where you practice on dolls and stuff. And again, this is not rocket surgery. We are not putting a satellite into geosynchronous orbit. There's a front side to it and a backside to the diaper. They're labeled, you can put backwards completely and it's a little bit of Velcro. You're going to be okay. You there's a hole that each leg goes through and you really, really, really would have to try hard to mess it up. Even though I've definitely messed it up once or twice and had them come right off at the least opportune times. But I don't think it's uncommon either for a parent to have not changed a diaper, specifically probably a guy, until it's their own first kid. That was my own first experience. So back to the email here. And while I know he's going to be a great dad, he's pretty clueless when it comes to kids and is pretty sure that having kids cannot be harder than having two dogs. I struggle not to laugh at that sentence. I know your kids are grownish and it's been a long time since you've been in the baby phase, but what advice would you have for a man that is used to being extremely successful in all endeavors and thinks that having kids will be the same as having dogs? And what advice would you have for me who has way more experience with kids and sometimes fails to remember that things that don't faze me as an example, kids screaming, crying and throwing fits and generally just being nasty are a huge shock to his system? What a great question. Here's my advice. No amount of you trying to describe, or anybody else trying to describe what being a parent is going to be like is going to prepare you. Read all the books. What to expect when you're expecting. I have read that thing front to back decades ago at this point, multiple times. And you could read every parenting book and talk to as many parents in your social circle to include your own about all of their experiences. And I don't care how prepared you feel like you are, there will be a point in time, probably multiples, where you feel like you have no idea what you're doing. And I think that's the way it's supposed to be. And I think that is totally okay. Read the books though, have the conversations. But the advice I have to you for this woman is this. Save your breath. Let your husband think that having kids is going to be like having two dogs. And for those of you who are audio only, I am fighting back a smile and a laugh right now because I've heard things that are similar to this and you can talk until you're blue in the face. And none of that is going to help when you wake up at 2 o' clock in the morning to change a diaper and you have like the nightlight in the corner and you lift your baby out of their bed after they have completely dumped 10 pounds of excrement in a 1 pound sack, also known as their diaper.
- [37:30]
B
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- [38:27]
A
Get it off of them. And you have your baby wipes that are in the baby wipe warmer because you don't want to expose your children to a cold or a chilled towelette that you're going to use to clean basically everything below their chin. And you get the diaper off and you get him cleaned up and you're working your way on getting the diaper put back on, mostly by feel. And your son, in that moment, as you're getting ready to do that, pisses all over your face from the bed, the little changing table, and as you are like swatting that away, decides to unleash with round two of explosive diarrhea and gets it not only all over the completely unattached diaper that you were getting ready to finish, but also all over the changing room table and the floor. So don't try to explain that because that's going to come for everybody. Here's a story that'll embarrass Riley because he doesn't listen to the podcast anyway, but this is how surreal it can get. We took Riley home from the hospital and I think it was his first baby checkup after that and it's been so long, I don't remember how soon after you bring a baby home, which, by the way, you want to talk about a moment where you're walking out of the hospital and you have a kid and a baby carrier and adults in like white lab coats or doctor's outfits are walking with you And a nurse, and they're like, yay, good luck. And you're sitting there like, seriously, like, I get to. I'm gonna take this thing home. This thing that has no instruction manual that I'm responsible for. Like, I'm just gonna walk out of here with this. Okay. At some point you go to your first baby checkup though, and they need to get the baby's temperature. They're not doing it orally. So. Yeah, you know, definitely keep the oral thermometers separate from the butt thermometers. That would. That would not probably be very fun to confuse those two. But anyway, that was the phase of the checkup that we were in. So obviously the diaper undone, the doctor gives ry the little and he explosively shit to the point that the doctor jumped back with a thermometer and it cleared a three to four foot gap. It was like. It was more like a squirt gun and it covered the wall in the doctor's office. I didn't read that chapter in what to expect when you're expecting. And I didn't know what to do. The doctor laughed his ass off. So I just went along with that because maybe that was in like the addendum or the next version that came out after he was born because that was the experience that we had. That's one of countless experiences that, that I have had with just my own three kids. It is totally okay that your husband is oblivious to what having children is going to be like. I think it's an amazing thing that you have the level of experience that you do. Because your husband is going to have a lot of questions. I would just wait until he comes to you with those questions as opposed to front loading him. He's going to learn all the lessons. He's going to have all the experiences, all of the frustration, all of the smiles, all of the tears, and everything in between in his own time. There's no way to accelerate that. And let's be honest, would you want to? Anyway, I look back now. Riley's 22, Tyler's 20, Julia's 17. I miss. I miss the days that they were that age because they don't have any less problems. Nobody's life is going to be problem free. But the problems that they have as they age out of diapers, into toddlers, into kindergarten, grade school, high school, college, life beyond, they get more complicated and they get more complex. I remember a point where my biggest concern was, okay, does Riley have enough food? Because he is just barely two years older than Tyler. So for about two years, it was just him. Does he have enough food? Does he have a clean butt? Does he have enough sleep? Okay, he can't crawl yet. If I set him right there in the baby carrier, I can go get a load of laundry and bring it back here and fold it. Those were good days. Eventually you'll have one of those days where you go to get the laundry and you'll come back and you'll go, oh, crap, where's my child? Because they learned how to move, and then you got to worry about a variety of different things. It only gets more beyond that. So enjoy these experiences. And I will say this to the woman who wrote this. Even though you have an immense amount of experience around kids, it is different when it is your child, because you can't give them back as much as you may want to in the moment. So, kids screaming and crying and throwing fits. I've heard this said that this is why being a grandparent is so awesome, because you can spoil the crap out of a kid. And when it gets to this phase, the screaming, crying, throwing fits, you go like this. And for those of you that are audio only, I'm holding my hands out in front of me, passing the baby back to the parent when the grandparent goes and gets in the car and enjoys the rest of their day. Absent said screaming, crying, and throwing fits. It is way different when it is your kid versus somebody else's. And that's okay, too. God, it is. I don't have the words to describe what being a parent is, but I will say this. I got a divorce 19 years and 11 months into a marriage. There was a lot of pain associated with that divorce, and there was a lot of pain on both sides that was involved before it. But I would do every day of that again as long as I got my kids at the end of that journey. So for as frustrating and challenging and as exhausting as it can be to be a parent, there's nothing I would trade for. There's nothing I have that is more valuable to me than those kids and those experiences. And I feel like just about every parent is probably in that boat. And you can try to prep all you want, but it's coming for you anyway. So have fun. When you get to the limits of the knowledge and your experience, and you sit there in the middle of the night covered in vomit and human excrement, and you ask yourself, what am I supposed to do? It's coming for you. You. So let your journey. Let your husband have his own journey. He will. He'll be humbled by it and he'll be a better person because of it. That's all I got for question three. All right, last question for today. This one's a touch heavier. I don't know if I meant to end on this one. I was just hitting the down button. I guess this is the way that I had them arrayed, so it's my own fault. Here we go. It's a little bit longer. I'll get through it. Fortunately, my answer, I think, is a little bit. God. It might be a little bit more succinct and brief than the person writing in would want, but it's legitimately how I feel. Andy, I know you're busy and have a ton going on, but I really don't have anyone else to ask for advice. I was hoping you could be my sounding board, please. As I am at a breaking point financially and mentally, the stress is killing me and just exhausts me every day worrying about how the future will look. My wife and I are both British and living in the US after I retired from the UK military. I am writing this after my wife and I had an argument over whether I knew we had two Canva accounts and then in parentheses. Not joking. I think you mean the online account where you can create. I use it sometimes to create YouTube thumbnails around the helicopter stuff. So I think I know what you're talking about and I also think they're like. It's like 9.99 but who knows. My wife has been struggling for a long time and we are constantly arguing and I'm feeling completely worn down with zero bandwidth left. My wife. My wife's background is complex. She has no self worth due to childhood sexual abuse, depression post childbirth which was nine years ago. Has been talking about seeing a doctor for five years but hasn't used to be a smoking hot size 6 but is now 60 plus pounds heavier. Self confessed people pleaser and puts everybody in all caps else first. She self sabotages constantly, secretly drinks three or four nights per week. Not that much of a secret if you know about it. She ruined our finances by running up $100,000 on credit cards and tanked my credit rating to 505 as all cards are in collection. Threatened suicide and had a gun in her mouth. Firearms are now stored in a rotary spinlock safe. Great call. She doom spirals at anything slightly negative into Mount Everest. She focuses on problems and not solutions. She hasn't worked in 12 years despite being the chief operating officer previously. She says she can't find a job, doesn't take care of herself anymore and gets overwhelmed constantly. And the last bit that adds a chunk of extra spice is the mix of being perimenopausal. I'll be honest, I am not handling this as well as I'd like. I'm a very solution oriented and driven and logical person and when things turn emotional or circular arguments start, I lose patience. I can be short, blunt or dismissive. When I get frustrated and walk away, I just cannot understand her mindset or actions. I know that sometimes I undermine her in front of the kids or speak in ways that make her feel worse. Between the tension, the unpredictability and my constant frustration, the atmosphere at home isn't good and if it wasn't for my children who are 9 and 11, I would probably just walk away. I am being held back so much as I have zero capacity and I can't rely on her for anything and have to juggle two jobs, my MBA studies and whatever she drops as we are in a shitty financial situation. I am trapped and I seriously worry about her killing herself or affording health insurance, rent, etc if we divorce or doing something dumb that gets her green card revoked like a dui, which I actually didn't know that got your green card revoked, but that makes total sense. I love my wife and I want things to get better but I cannot see how. I don't want to give up on her or us, but I also don't know how to keep holding everything together like this. Help me unfuck this please. Wow. Okay, that's a lot disclaimer that I always throw out there. I'm not a professional. I'm not a counselor. I am not a therapist. I cannot provide professional counseling or therapy. I don't attempt to. I will talk about my own experiences when it comes to those type of things and that is through an N of 1 the lens of myself, my experience and the benefit that I have received from those things in my life. But that's it. This is just one person's experience. There was one sentence. Okay, I found it. I want you to consider this. I just cannot understand her mindset or actions. I would like for you to consider this just as an exercise in reflection. She may not be able to understand them either. There is a lot what people can't see on this email is each one of those things she has no self worth due to childhood sexual abuse. That's a bullet. Another one depression, postpartum a bullet. So there's 1, 2, 3 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. There's over a dozen of those bullets in addition, the last one being perimenopause, which is super real. And I am not an expert in any of that by any stretch of the imagination. But I have now, in talking to my sister who is focusing in hormonal treatment of women, specifically in that phase of life, heard her describe women not even recognizing who they are in the mirror. I mean, obviously they see it's themselves. But my point is their brain and body are giving them signals. And that is just alone, right? That is the last bullet point that you had on there, let alone all the upstream ones that you had. Where she may not recognize herself, she may not recognize why she is thinking the way that she is. She might be scared to death of the person that she has become. This is not an excuse for any of her behavior. I just want to plant the seed in your head that that also might be a sentence that she aligns with. I just cannot understand her mindset or actions. She may feel that way too. Now, I do believe, and I try so hard to try to see the world through other people's eyes more at this phase in my life. It was not something I did very much of. I tried to have understanding. I tried to have empathy. There is not a whole lot that you can do about the bullet points that you listed. This to me screams, you need to get a higher level of care involved. Your wife might not be able to recognize what's going on inside of her. There are professionals, trained professionals accessible through the same portal if you need to, that you sent this email to me through, meaning the Internet that you can access and work with, that do understand these things that might be able to help your wife create an architectural or an architect or an engineered set of structure and plans that can help her find her way back to the person that she wants to be. I would suspect if you were to ask her if she is living the life that she wants to live or is being the person that she wants to be, I suspect her answer would be no. Now, now, I think what is safe to say is this. If you don't change anything, and you could be used as in your relationship or you personally or her, if you don't change anything, nothing is going to change. So if she doesn't take action, this is likely going to stay the same or potentially and at least in my experience in myself and seeing this in others, it will slowly get worse over time. And then oftentimes that accelerates and that can be A very precipitous drop off. Nobody wants that for anybody. But the point in saying all that is changes need to be made. You may have to put some of your personal aspirations and things that you are working on on hold for a little bit to allow that to happen. If you and my. And my advice to you is this, I would have a direct conversation with your significant other. And I'll get to why I said you might have to put some stuff on hold. It is clear that things aren't going well, I think. And looking back at things I would like to have changed about my previous marriage and taking those lessons forward and not allowing things to develop or evolve into what they did in the previous relationship. The direct approach is almost always the best approach. Now you have to talk about tact, set setting, how you do that, vernacular, making sure that the message lands and isn't received as an attack, which is not always possible. But I would have a direct conversation with this person. You are going to have a limited ability to fix or work on any of these things. This is work. What you have described all of these bullet points like, your wife is 60 pounds heavier now. You can't lose that weight for her if she even wants to. The baggage that comes with the childhood sexual abuse, you can't put that down for her drinking three to four nights per week, you cannot stop her from doing that. You could hide the alcohol, but that could create even more substantial issues depending on that level of addiction that may be there. Putting $100,000 on credit cards, I mean, you're probably likely going to be responsible for paying that off, but you can't reverse that that happened. Her not taking care of herself, you cannot do that for her. I hope you're getting this repetitive theme here. So you could be there to help try to create an environment which it sounds like you're doing everything that you can to facilitate this. But the lion's share of the work here is going to have to be done by this person. This person, I am telling you from my own experience in life, is not going to be able to do this independently. You need to bring in a higher level of care. She needs to go and talk to somebody to start unpacking this and work with somebody that will help her shave off these metaphorical ounces. Not body weight ounces, but the ounces of upstairs burden between the ears burden that is very likely holding this person back. That's a really long process to make that happen. Just the bullet points that you put out. There's a lot going on there. This isn't going to be, hey, in two weeks, this person's going to be back to the wife that you knew. This might be a two year process, but imagine how much different it could look in two years if this person is willing to put in that level of effort on the other side of that coin. And this is something that I struggled with very deeply when I made the decision to initiate my own divorce. You have to ask yourself, and again, this is just, this is the importance of objectivity and reflection. You have to ask yourself if you are the other side of this relationship and your parents, right, you have the relationship, the overarching relationship, and the parents and your children are cascaded underneath. If you are enabling and allowing this behavior to happen by covering absolutely everything that needs to be done, and maybe you're not intentionally enabling this behavior, and I'm not saying that you are, but if you are constantly playing pickup basketball because you are with somebody that doesn't seem to be capable of doing it, but this behavior continues and nothing changes. What example are you setting for your children? That is a tough question to ask yourself the question. And so the lens that I viewed it through with my divorce was this. The relationship was clearly not working for reasons that I will never get into on the podcast. But the question I asked myself was, what example am I setting to my children who are clearly of an age that can see the things that are going on, regardless of how much the parents may try to hide it from them? They're way more of a sponge than you would ever want them to be. And trust me, if you are feeling this and seeing this, they are as well. What example am I setting to my kids if I stay? Am I showing them what a healthy relationship looks like, an enriching and empowering and a healthy relationship? Am I showing them that, that? Or what am I showing my children about marriage? Am I showing my children what marriage should be? Or am I showing my children that I feel like I have no options and that I am trapped and so therefore I am not going to do anything, what message does that send? Those were hard conversations with myself. Those are hard, reflective. I was going to say moments, but good luck. If those can only be moments for you, then you're better than I am. Because I would spend hours across multiple days asking myself those questions. The decision point that I got to was that up until that point, I was not showing my children an example that I wanted them to mimic in their own life. And this wasn't the complete reason for Myself initiating the divorce. I'm just talking about the many things that I thought along the way. If I had done nothing, and this is again, one of these balancing points. If I do nothing, what example am I showing if I take action, which may be very destructive on the short end up front, from a disruptive perspective of their perception of family and, you know, security and being a cohesive unit, Shattering that concept, but building into something that can be better and showing them that not every decision has to be blindly marched into the grave. Which one serves them better? I landed on the former as opposed to the latter, obviously based off the decision that I've made. My relationship with Leah is substantially different than my first marriage. And I believe objectively, as objectively as I can be talking about myself, that it is a much better example of what I think marriage can be, which is not to say a damn thing negative about my ex wife. That is not the case at all. We're talking about different people, different circumstances, different phases of life, but it is different. That is objectively true. You have to have these conversations with yourself and you have to be prepared to take action. Sit down and talk with your wife. Explain to her how you feel. Explain to her your concern, your worry. Lay out for her to the best of your ability, as you see it, the options that you guys have moving forward. Ask her what she wants to do. She may not be able to give you a great answer, especially given the headspace that you seem to describe. The first step might be she needs to take care of herself to the best of her ability, but that's going to be through hard work, not a fucking yoga retreat, right? You need to dig in here like you. This is, let's just call this the world's biggest hole, which is not. But just to use, you know, a hyperbolic example, she needs to get in there with a backhoe or a shovel or around the edges and start filling that back in. Which gets me to the point of, you might have to change a little bit about your life. I love the last sentence. You love your life and you want things to get better, but you can't see how that's okay. You might have to put things on pause. You might have to restructure your MBA program. You might need to put it on pause. You might need to take a look at the jobs you're doing and figure out a way, downsize your life. Move to a smaller house, move to an apartment, whatever it may be. Put all options on the table and at least look at them. I'm not saying you have to take them, but put all those options on the table to figure out what you can do and what you are willing to do. Because if you don't change anything, none of this is going to change. That might suck for you for a bit, but if you get your wife back, the woman that you fell in love with and things do get better and you don't want to give up on her, I mean, that's how you see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's not possible for everybody. It's not plausible for everybody. But looking at it in that objective way, I would also suggest couples therapy and counseling in addition to suggesting that your wife see a counselor. And maybe that's a softer entry into the individual counseling. Hey, sweetheart, let's go see a counselor together. I assure you, if any of these bullet points come out, especially if they all do, the suggestion for an individual to seek counseling is going to exist as well. Be prepared for your significant other to say, well, how come I'm the only one who needs to see a counselor? I don't want to do that unless you go see one too. Go see one, doesn't matter, right? Trust me, there's plenty of things under the hood we can all look at before the check engine light comes on. It's super beneficial. So feel like I'm rambling here a little bit, but hopefully that helps. Have those reflective moments. Have those hard conversations. Ask yourself those hard questions. What examples are you setting? What can you change? What are you willing to change? And then beyond that, that you have to take action. And that's all I have for this Friday. See you all on Monday.