Cleared Hot — Full Auto Friday (12/26/2025)

Host: Andy Stumpf
Date: December 26, 2025

Episode Overview

In the final Full Auto Friday of 2025, Andy Stumpf closes out the year with a reflective and candid Q&A session. Drawing from his diverse life journey—from military service to leadership consulting—Andy answers listener questions on deep emotional pain (especially in relationships), leadership challenges in family businesses, and the realities of racism in the SEAL teams. The episode is marked by Andy’s trademark direct, no-BS style, self-deprecating humor, and willingness to tackle tough, nuanced subjects head-on.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Dealing with Emotional Hurt [00:01–52:00]

Listener Question:

A detailed email from a listener grapples with pain from a relationship marked by emotional reticence, infidelity, and a deep sense of loss and confusion. The listener asks how to process this pain and move forward.

Andy's Core Advice:

• Status Quo is "Mid":

  • Andy reflects on how societal expectations tend to keep people average unless they set their own higher standards.
    • “The status quo in almost every aspect of life that I look at is average. Or to use the term my daughter does. It's mid.” [00:06]
  • Encourages listeners to define their own benchmarks for living, not just settle.

• Actions vs. Words in Love:

  • Andy emphasizes that actions often speak louder than words in relationships.
    • “Would you rather have somebody tell you that they loved you or show you that they loved you? Because I don't think those are the same things.” [00:17]
  • Moving houses, integrating families—these are clear acts of love, even if the right words aren’t always there.

• Avoiding Emotional Vulnerability:

  • Andy addresses how masculine norms (the “status quo”) teach men to bottle up emotions.
    • “Vulnerability or expression of emotions for guys can be expected to be a little bit more muted, right? A little bit more stoic. Keep that stuff to yourself. … I'm not so sure it's the key to a fulfilling life.” [00:23]

• Responding to Infidelity & Guilt:

  • He balances empathy for both parties, noting that while the listener didn’t “cause” the affair, emotional distance may have contributed.
    • “You weren't protecting anybody or anything. Because of your unwillingness to participate. You might have cracked the door open for her to have doubt in her mind…” [00:32]
    • “It is not your fault that this person went out and started ... an affair. ... That doesn't mean though that you didn't have a hand in creating that situation.” [00:34]
  • Stresses that both parties need to do the work—communication is essential, and if you don’t deal with your issues, they come back in uglier ways.

• Processing Pain Daily:

  • Andy’s advice for enduring tough days is to take things minute by minute, focusing on the "next right step".
    • “How do you get through a tough day? One step at a time. … Get to lunch, get to breakfast. Pick small things you can focus on that allow you to build some momentum.” [00:47]
  • Therapy or professional support is highly recommended, especially after betrayal; working through the mud together is necessary for any hope of reconciliation.

Notable Quote:

“If you don’t deal with your stuff at some point, it’s going to deal with you.” — Andy, [00:39]

2. Leadership in Family Business: Accountability & Communication [52:00–01:16:30]

Listener Question:

Listener steps into a family company and spots serious operational issues (accounting, collections, lack of accountability), but causes friction when he calls it out bluntly. He asks: How do you hold people accountable and correct them without escalating personal offense?

Andy's Key Lessons:

• Importance of Perspective:

  • Fresh eyes can spot problems the entrenched miss; use social circles and mentors for clearer optics.
    • “That’s the value of bringing somebody in. Sometimes people... just have their problems smashed up against their nose.” [52:40]

• Clarity of Expectations & Processes:

  • If people can’t articulate their responsibilities, the failure is on leadership/system, not just the individual.
    • “If they can’t answer that very clearly and concisely, you have work to do as a manager or as a leader.” [58:10]
  • Codifying processes and standards enables objective, not subjective, accountability.

• Delivering Feedback:

  • Feedback lands best when rooted in objective standards, not feelings.
    • “You tried to coach and correct things. That’s great, but remember, you’re trying to coach and correct things from a very hazy optic.” [57:20]
    • “How do you clearly hold somebody accountable and communicate [shortcomings] without them being personally offended? ... Don’t be a dick.” [01:14:00]
  • Approach confrontation with empathy and prepare for emotional reactions, but remain direct and kind.

Notable Quote:

“There are ways to deliver information, even the worst of information, without sounding like an asshole. And I say that as somebody who has far too many times in their life... delivered news in a way that rightfully so diminished somebody’s opinion of me.” — Andy, [01:14:00]

3. Racism in the SEAL Teams and Special Operations [01:18:30–01:38:00]

Listener Question:

Prompted by a news article on racist incidents in the SEALs, a listener asks Andy to comment on racism within the teams and what people of color might expect in special operations.

Andy's Unfiltered Take:

• Distinction Between Individuals vs. Community:

  • “Is there racism in the SEAL teams? Yeah. Are the SEAL teams racist? No.” [01:19:00]
  • Racism (and other forms of bigotry) exist wherever there are people, but the institution as a whole is a meritocracy.

• Responsibility of Leadership:

  • To effect positive change, address issues in the moment rather than ignore them.
    • “If you’re around people who are doing dumb racist stuff and you say nothing but don’t directly participate…I got no time for you. Because you saw it and you took the path of least resistance.” [01:31:00]
  • What you tolerate sets your standard.

• Advice for Minorities Entering Special Operations:

  • Meet the standards and perform; opportunities are based on merit. Community will generally treat you equally, but isolated bad actors exist everywhere.

Notable Quote:

“What you tolerate in your presence is your standard.” — Andy, [01:31:12]

4. Certainty, Language, and Social Discourse [01:38:15–end]

Andy’s Closing Reflection:

Inspired by Dave Chappelle, Andy cautions against the seductive trap of certainty (“I know”) in conversation, especially about complex or controversial topics (e.g., conspiracy theories after tragic public events).

• Shift from “I know” to “I think/I feel/I believe”:

  • Adopting more tentative language fosters better discussions and reduces polarization.
  • “Instead of just saying I know and I'm positive, just open the language up a little bit. I feel, I think, I believe. We'd be so much better off.” [01:39:30]

• Self-awareness and Humility:

  • Andy acknowledges his own expertise is limited to his lived experience, not the present realities of past institutions.
  • Encourages reserved language and less categorical certainty in public discourse.

Notable Quote:

“Your beliefs in life, whatever they may be, take stock of yourself and how you communicate those things to others. Are you somebody who ‘I know’ or do you believe or do you think or do you feel? There's a difference between those things.” — Andy, [01:42:15]

Memorable and Characteristic Moments

• “Build your own cage. Build your own prison. That way you can be the warden, and if you don’t like the view, you can move the window.” — Andy, on self-determination within life’s expectations [00:08:20]
• Humorous Wrestling with “Femininity”:
  • “There's masculinity and then there's toxic masculinity... There's also incredibly toxic femininity. Why did I use feminine... femininity?... My mouth's not working today.” [00:41:00]
• Frequent reminders to men that “crying is okay” and bottling up emotions only backfires.
• Empathy and humility about his own leadership failings and personal growth, e.g., referring to past mistakes in communication and learning from a divorce.

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:01 — Opening thoughts, end-of-year reflection, introduction
• 00:06 — Status quo and personal standards
• 00:17 — Love as action, not just talk
• 00:39 — On running from problems and the necessity of confronting pain
• 00:47 — Daily strategies for surviving emotional crises
• 52:40 — Leadership, objectivity, and feedback in business
• 01:14:00 — The art and empathy of corrective conversations
• 01:19:00 — Racism in elite teams: reality and myth
• 01:31:00 — Leadership responsibility: “what you tolerate”
• 01:39:30 — Reflections on language, certainty, and discourse that shapes society

Overall Tone and Language

• Direct and honest, but not unkind
• Occasional self-deprecation and humor
• Willingness to challenge harmful norms and call out hard truths
• Empathetic but no-nonsense; emphasis on personal responsibility, action, and humility

Summary in a Nutshell

Andy wraps up the year by urging listeners to avoid the “status quo”, embrace emotional honesty—especially in times of relationship and personal crisis—seek clarity (and kindness) as leaders, confront stupidity and racism directly, and approach the world (and each other) with less certainty and more humility. It’s a masterclass in living and leading uncomfortably, delivered with Andy’s signature clarity and candor.