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Okay, I got the red smoke. Sun runs north and south west of the smoke. West of the smoke. Okay, copy. West of the smoke. I'm looking at danger close now. Oh, wait a minute. Give it to me. I mean, it cleared. Hot coffee. Clear, not. Hello, everybody. By the time you start this, it's going to be Friday. I guess if you started on the day that it releases, you could start it any day you want to. I have no idea where this goes once it goes on the Internet. So maybe it's gonna be on a Friday. Maybe you're gonna find this years later from now. I don't know. But if it's a Friday, I hope you're doing. I hope you're doing good. Hope you had a good week and you're getting ready to ease off into the weekend. I have nothing but traditional Q and A for today, so how about it? Let's get into it. Away we go. Good morning, Andy. My name is redacted. I was tempted to use your name in this because you referenced your father's name in a very googleable instance. But I'm going to leave it out of this just because even though you can find your dad, I don't want to have your name associated with this. All right, I'm sure people could find it, but I digress. I love your podcast and new book and I hope it helps me with my mental health struggles on a daily basis. I have been a puddle of gasoline waiting on a match since April 1, 2017. My dad, whose name I'm going to leave out of this as well, murdered my mom in a location that I'm going to lay out of this as well, which was all over the news. I also, like you, went through a bad divorce in the past with an ex wife that turned my kids against me, which to this day, my relationship with my kids have been very superficial. Sadly, I have put on a front since then, and the anger inside has grown to a level that even strangers see that I can't hide it anymore. I've gone to a therapist one time. We'll get back to that. And all he wanted to do was give me homework and buy his book. After watching a ton of your podcasts and seeing operators like Kevin Owen, the Irishman on episode 183 talk about his rage, how have your team of people and yourself gotten past the rage and your struggles to get back to a resemblance of the person you were before to enjoy life again? I don't even see me anymore and have been in super dark places. You guys seem to really have it together after all the things y' all have been through. Please advise. I feel you would be the one I could talk to and not a therapist that has never been down the roads I have that are just quoting textbooks. You guys are inspiring to a level that y' all have no idea. You attached your phone number and said you have a ton of other stuff so hopefully we can talk. Thank you for your time and have a good day. Sir, let me tell you this, I appreciate that you attached your phone number to this. I am not going to call you. One, I am not the person that you need to be talking to in this situation and I will unpack why I feel that way in depth. But two, I am not in the habit of sharing my phone number. Even if we are going through parallel or similar situations. There are plenty of people out there who do have my phone number. But I apologize sir, I generally make it a habit to not call people who are on the Internet reaching out to me. So I appreciate it. But the bigger issue is this. It's not me that you need to talk to you to put the tail end of this and emphasis up front. You need to be talking to somebody who is a professional. You mention in here. After watching a ton of your podcasts and seeing operators like Kevin Owen, the Irishman on episode 183 talk about his rage, how have your team of people and yourself gotten past the rage and struggles to get back to a resemblance of the person you were before to enjoy life again? I can't speak for anybody else, but I feel like the people that I know well, who have experienced the type of things that I think that you are alluding to would probably all say something similar to this. I am nothing like the person that I was before. The experiences that I have had have changed me. They have broken me in ways, given me opportunities to build back myself and others and have shaped the trajectory of my life. There are some things that you are going to go through in life that are going to change who you are and it will be impossible to go back to the person that you were before. In my personal opinion, that's okay. That is how evolution and growth continues and I think that is essential towards at least working towards an enriched, successful, empowering life. Today's episode is brought to you by Ridge. Are you living in 2026? Is your wallet living in 2026? Are you still rocking the old school leather bifold? The old school leather trifold? How many cards do you have in your wallet? How many cards do you actually need in your wallet. Do you have more than 30? Are you like my dad? Does he have more than 50? It's hard to say. Nobody can count. If you're ready to join the rest of us in 2026, if you're looking for a unique, slim, modern design that holds up to 12 cards plus cash, you need to check out Ridge. They're made with premium materials like aluminum, titanium and carbon fiber. 50 plus colors and styles to choose from. All Ridge products have a lifetime warranty. This literally will be the last wallet you ever have to buy if you want it to be. And it gives you peace of mind knowing that all Ridge wallets have RFID blocking technology keeping you safe from digital pickpock. With over 100,000 five star reviews, Ridge isn't just about wallets. They have premium everyday carry essentials like power banks, key cases, suitcases and rings, all built with the same sleek, durable design. No matter what you pick, Ridge has free shipping, 99 day risk free trial and a lifetime warranty on all their products. So for a limited time, listeners get 10% off ridge by using the code cleared hot at checkout. Just head to ridge.com, use the code cleared hot and you're all set. After your purchase, they're going to ask you where you heard about them. Please do me a favor, support the show by letting them know that I sent you back to the show. I don't know anybody that I look up to or that I aspire to emulate the qualities that they have that says I just want to wake up tomorrow being exactly the same as I was today. I have arrived at the place where I no longer want to continue to grow, where I no longer want to push myself, where I no longer want to evolve. In fact, the people that I look up to the most are the ones that that are the exact opposite of that. Even upon immense and incredible success, they are looking forward. Yes, they take the time and the moment to appreciate that success, but they're looking forward as to what they can continue to do next. They are appreciative of the experiences that they have and not necessarily in the moment or in close proximity to when the things happen that could be viewed as negative because those things do happen to us all. But given enough time, they will look back at those as formidable experiences in their life that either taught them something or changed the way that they view the world. And they can turn that and orient that towards being positive. But the point is this. They're not trying to return back to anything they're constantly trying to move the needle forward. And another thing I have to add onto this. I appreciate that you watch the show and I can appreciate that you feel like myself and others from my previous career, the cohort, we have our stuff together. But remember this, please. You are seeing a snapshot of my life. I choose when I hit the record button. And I also, if I want to, even though I very, very rarely do choose to take things out and almost never happens in episodes. Sometimes I like, lose my train of thought when I'm answering a Full Auto Friday question and I'll edit out, like, the rambling nature of it if I just need to take a drink of water, whatever, so the audience doesn't have to experience that. But. But that is all in my control. What you see online is not a full expression of what people are. Anybody who is in the content business, whether it's on your iPhone or an IMAX movie screen, it's so easy to think that what you're seeing is a true expression of that person's life. And that has not been my experience. Whether the person is incredibly famous, incredibly wealthy, or just incredibly notable online, there's what you see when that person hits upload or they say action or whatever it is. And then there's the reality that we are all just people at the end of the day. I do my absolute best to be honest about the peaks and valleys in my life and the struggles that I have. But I'm here to tell you right now, for the person who wrote this email, or anybody else who may think watching me or listening to me, that I have everything figured out, I am here to tell you right now that I absolutely do not. I am not on a gravy train with biscuit wheels, just working my way towards success. I have good days, occasionally. I have bad days occasionally. Most of the days are somewhere in between. Here's an example. I feel so incredibly humbled by the success and the support that I got for the book. But in the weeks and days leading up to that, I was unable to sleep because I didn't think that I knew what to do, knew how to do, or was capable of doing the things necessary to make the book successful. And I don't mean sales. I mean to not let the people down who put their name on that book with me. An immense amount of doubt and immense amount of questioning whether or not the. The process that I had in mind and the strategy that I had in mind, whether or not that was correct. More often than not, I felt like it wasn't going to be good enough and I wasn't doing the right things and I didn't have a good strategy. Even on the day that the book came out as a bestseller. I took about five minutes to appreciate what that was. And then my uncontrollable next thoughts were, well, okay, I mean, it did well today, but am I good enough to keep this rock rolling along the road? Am I going to be able to help the publisher sell all the books that they purchased leading up to the launch and then. And during that launch, do I have what it takes? Cool. It was successful for a day, but what about tomorrow? I struggle with those things. I struggle with celebrating my own success because my mind almost instantly switches to what do I need to do next? Where am I falling short somewhere else? And I'm here to tell you right now, as somebody walking around in a skin suit, where that is the headspace that I work with, it has an immense ability to rob joy and happiness from you. It can allow you to accomplish some things that others might think are incredible. But I'm gonna tell you what, it's a double edged sword that can cut a lot of the happiness and joy out of your life. And that is something that I am struggling with all the time now. I don't talk about that much because most of the time I'm trying to give advice to people who ask me for it to, to the best of my ability. And obviously I can only answer through my own lens and optic on my own life and time and my own experience. But I'm trying to give you the answer you want and not necessarily talk about me. But don't for a second think that because you see a few hours of somebody online, like Kevin is an example. We had a fantastic conversation. I love an Irish accent, by the way too. Do you think at times he's still not suffering or dealing with rage inside of him? Do you not think that that individual at times gets to a place where it could almost come to the point of being in control? I can tell you from firsthand experience that I still deal with that. What I've learned over time is I try to take my hands off the wheel a little bit and realize that something like that is happening instead of trying to control it. If I have a day that is like that, what I'll try to do is distance myself from any level of important decision that I need to make in that day. And maybe, just maybe, we're going to take a day off and a day away from more. You Know anybody outside of my direct family, be honest with them about what's going on, but let my body work through those things. What you experienced is abnormal at best. It's atypical at best. It's going to have an impact. It's not an abnormal thing that you are dealing with this rage. But what I'll say is this. You need to deal with the rage before it deals with you. Because if you lose control of that, if you make a decision that damages your life or ruins your life or damages somebody else's life, that's not your dad's fault, that's yours. You have no control over this situation with your mom and dad, but you have 100% accountability and responsibility for what you do with it, as does everybody else that you reference. And I'm telling you, people can keep their shit together for a couple of hours on a podcast, myself included. I have recorded podcasts. Not in this. Well, I guess in this room, but probably the older studio room where just about everything else in my life was falling apart. But for the two or three hours that I needed to be on in air quotes and facilitate that conversation, I was able to hold it together. But that episode is not a reflection of where I was at in my life or what was going on in my life at that time. Everybody else that you are navigating your way through life around, whether you know them or not, has some version of that going on. There's a grass is greener right on the other side that's so easy to look at other people's life and think, I'm not struggling as much, or they're not struggling as much as I am. I am dealing with this alone. I. But just remember, you're the only person telling yourself that, and you're the only person that's going to be able to get control of that. So you don't talk to yourself like that anymore. How you do that. You're going to go to a counselor more than one time, and when you meet a dude who would rather sell you his book and give you homework, shit, can that person and find somebody else. There's no occupation on earth that isn't a bell curve. There's doctors who are fantastic, and then there are doctors who want to wear your skin like a leotard. There are religious officials and position holders that want to do nothing more than empower and enrich people's life through their religious texts and gospels. And then there are others who want to be in a position of power and manipulate those who are Putting an immense amount of faith and trust in them. Same thing goes with coaches, same thing goes with teachers, dentists. Fill in the blank. You're not going to find an occupation that doesn't have a bell curve. So it seems to me like the first person that you found in this world was a swing and a miss, and that's okay. The next two or three people you find in this world might be a swing and a miss. That's also okay. Here's the question you have to ask yourself. How bad do you want it? How badly do you not want to be controlled and deal with this building level of rage? Do you want it more to work your way through that, or do you not? Because if you don't, you can stay on the path that you are on in. My hypothesis would be that you will have a really gnarly expression of your cup overflowing that will have an immediate impact on your life, hopefully not a lifelong impact, and you're going to begin fighting your way out of an even worse place. Obviously, I'm talking about metaphorically, not physically, but that's optional for you. You get to make that choice. What happened to you is not normal. Nobody should have to experience that. And let alone having to experience that, the publicity associated with that, I can't even fathom. I can't even fathom what that would be like. Again, you can't control that, but you have complete control over what you do after. And my suggestion to you is, instead of looking to me and passing me your phone number, which I'm humbled that you would do that and think that I would be able to help you with this, you need to invest in yourself. There are people who have dedicated their lives to helping somebody like you deal with the weight and burden of an event like this in your life. I'm not one of them. You might have to go through 10 people to find the person that you connect with. And by the way, the homework. There's a reason why the therapist wanted to give you homework. And you need to embrace this thought process that there is going to be a lot of homework. Because sitting down for an hour with a therapist or counselor can be hugely beneficial. But the vast majority of the work that is going to occur will not be you sitting on a couch talking to somebody who is taking notes. It's going to be with you in the 23 other hours of your day or the other six days in the week, or however often there is. You know that you go to a counselor. The days in between, that's where the reflection occurs. That's where the pursuit of objectivity, looking in the mirror occurs. Asking yourself hard questions, sitting with the answers, creating a foundation and a repository of information that then you can work with the counselor and start separating. And it's like, it's like you're making a delicious meal. You need to have all of these ingredients and know what the ingredients are so you can match them or, or reduce them or increase them or whatever it is. And at the end of that, which could be a multi year journey, by the way, this is not I went to a therapist and I am better now. I have heard people say that I let them live whatever journey that they wanna live, but that has not been my experience. It's the opposite of that. Things might feel like they're getting a little bit worse when you first start. It might seem really hard. It might seem exhausting. You might leave one of these sessions or these homework assignments and need to go to sleep for six hours. That's okay. There's a reason that it's doing that to your body. There's a reason you're having that physiological response to what it is that you were trying to do. But if you can find somebody that you can work with, I am telling you right now that you are never going to be able to get rid of what happened between your dad and your mom. But you can arrive in a place where you are not defined by that and governed by that, or encapsulated in a prison of your own mind by that. But you and only you get to make that choice. And that choice is going to lead you towards one thing and this is where it hard work. There's no hack for hard work in any aspect of life other than, I guess you could avoid the hard work. But again, ask yourself, look in the mirror. Do you want to wake up and look in the mirror tomorrow at exactly the same person? Or do you want to wake up and look in the mirror and realize you made a microscopic step to being a better version of who you were the day before? That choice is yours. Hopefully. I answered your question. That's all I got for number one question. Two, shift gears here a little bit. Hey, Andy, I'm 28 years old, have a good job, and I live at home with my mom. I could afford to move out and live on my own if I wanted to, but I felt extremely comfortable where I am. So I haven't really pursued any options toward moving out. In parentheses. I realize this is probably to my detriment. It could be but maybe not. Let's get deeper into the email. My mom recently got the news that her cancer is back and has likely spread to her lungs. We are still in the early stages of determining next steps, but it has really opened my eyes to how limited the time that you have with people really is. I understand exactly how you feel. I don't really have any super close friends, siblings or a girlfriend in parentheses. You never have. And now. Not that I feel like I should try to get into a relationship to help me through this, but I also feel like it would help my mom immensely knowing that I would have someone to support me if and when the time comes. I also realize that this is a dumb reason to get into a relationship and probably unfair to the other person. I'm glad you added that because had you not added that, I absolutely would have as well. I have a lot of questions as to at the age of 28 why you've never had a girlfriend at all. And I don't say that with any level of judgment. I am just curious as to the type of person that you are. Are you? I don't want to antisocial in a bad way, but perhaps more of an introvert. Do you have difficulty with interpersonal social skills? Do women make you feel like a lot of things? Right. It could be a lot of things and I wish we could have a two way dialogue on that. But I am very glad that you realize that entering into a relationship to make your mom feel better because then you would have somebody to help you feel better or supported if she were to die is really not a recipe for a good relationship. I'm very happy that you mentioned that. My issue here is that I'm really at a loss with how much time I want or need to spend with my mom. As it stands right now, I feel like and want to dedicate every waking moment to spending as much time as I can with her. But I don't feel like that's entirely feasible or the right course of action. And I realized that if I did do this, I wouldn't be able to give her the reassurance that I will be okay that I think she deserves. I know that you lost your mom to cancer as well, so I'm wondering how you would try to balance the time that you have with your loved one with time spent trying to pursue things that might help you in other ways. This question hits home for sure. I mean, for those of you who have listened to the podcast, you know I lost my mom to cancer in 2010 one of the main regrets of my life is my inability at that time in my life when she was passing, to be the present son that I wanted to be. But what I. What I can say is this, and I'm making an assumption here, or I guess a hypothesis about what my mom would think. I don't think my mom ever worried that I was going to be okay. She knew that I had the tools and the support to figure out whatever life threw at me. And I don't know if that would have given her any peace. Or maybe it was maybe peace through the perspective that it was one less thing that she had to think about. I can tell you this. Even though my mom knew she was dying, she didn't want anything for anybody else, I mean, anybody else other than them to live the fullest life they possibly could. She knew she was on her way out, and all she wanted for other people was for them to live the fullest life they possibly could. And I have no reason to believe that your mom would feel any differently. Do I think that you need to spend every waking moment with your mom? I don't know. What I would say is, instead of asking me these things, go ask your mom. Your mom may not want you to do that. Even though people may be approaching for the first time this stark realization that their lap around the track is a lot closer to the end than they may have thought. They may not want to spend every remaining moment specifically with you. And I'm not saying that she wouldn't want to. What I'm saying is, why operate in a condition of uncertainty when you have the ability to just go to rest directly? Ask your mom. And I'll be honest, I would say to your mom every single thing that you wrote in this email. Could that be uncomfortable? Maybe. But she's the one who's known you for your entire life, so she's going to be able to give you more insightful answers than I'm going to be able to give you. I can give you maybe some general advice or ask you some questions that you may not have thought about. But your mom knows you, and if you were to ask her, you know, mom, this is what I'm worried about. This is how I see it. I want to be here to support you to the best of my ability. What does that look like to you? Ask her. Are you worried about me that I'm not going to have anybody else after you're gone? Is there anything I could do to assuage that worry? Don't leave any questions Unasked. It's probably the biggest piece of advice that I can give you. It seems like right now you have some time with your mom and that's a great thing. And again, I actually hope the cancer diagnosis, hopefully she can work her way through this one as well. And so maybe it would be all premature, these conversations, but if you have these conversations prematurely, how is that going to have a negative aspect on your life at all in any way? I don't think it would at all. I think it would probably end up being very positive in nature. So consider that. Human beings are capable of doing a lot of amazing things. And although there are some people out there, like Oz Perlman, that can tell you they can read minds, I have yet to meet anybody who actually can. So don't try to use the relationship you have with your mom as the foundation for that conversation. Now 28 years old, living at your mom's house, and you make a good living and you could afford to move out on your own if you wanted to. Okay. Why haven't you made that choice? This is detaching a little bit from the conversation about your mom's health condition. If I had to guess, I would say it's because right now that is the easy button. She perhaps wants you to stay with her because she doesn't want to be alone. Totally understand that. You perhaps want to stay with your mom because it allows you to save for more stability in your financial future. Totally get that. Or maybe it's just the easy button. And maybe you like feeling comfortable at 28 years old, outside of what is going on with your mom's health conditions. Right. I am now talking about everything other than that. If I knew you personally when we were sitting here having a conversation, I would say to you all these things. You listen. You don't. You live with your mom. You could live on your own. You feel extremely comfortable and haven't had a girlfriend. Not a lot of super close friends. My challenge to you would be to go push the needle forward in every one of those areas. You're never going to have super close friends unless you are out interacting with people. I don't know what you do for a living. You just said you have a good job. I don't know if that is a remote job. I don't know if you work in an office setting, whatever it is. But if you remove yourself from all social situations, you're never going to have close friends. And close friendships can hurt. They're not always great. Sometimes you're going to find out that somebody you thought was one of your closest friends really isn't that maybe they saw you as a bridge to something that they wanted. Maybe they saw that you had something that they wanted to get a little bit of a taste of, whatever it may be. And that can. Can leave a really bitter taste in your mouth. But having good friends, people that you know absolutely care about you, that would be there with you in your worst moments, not because you asked them to be there, but because they wanted to be there. And they were there before you even had the chance to ask them. That's a beautiful thing. The siblings, obviously you can't change that. The girlfriend, you can 100% change that. If it's not something that you are adverse to. I would say go challenge yourself. You got to get some reps in. Women are amazing, fantastic creatures that are impossible to understand. I think any man could essentially agree with that. But you're never going to understand those things unless you go out there and get out of your comfort zone. My advice to you would be in the things that you listed, living with your mom, no close friends, never had a girlfriend. Pick one of those and change that. You pick one of the three. Okay. Once you've changed that, you can have two remaining. Pick one of those and change it. And then, you know, I think you can see where this is going. We're trending in the same direction here. Tackle the last one and change it. I understand how it's easy to live with your mom at 28. Do you want to be living with your mom at 38 or 48 or 58? If you do, who am I to tell you how to party? Right? You live your life how you want to. But life looks different when you're out there under your own roof, solving your own problems, alone with yourself and your thoughts and your motivations, and that's how you grow. Life's not supposed to be the easy button. I truly believe that at this point in my life, it is about learning how to suffer well, which I'm going to make into a T shirt at some point in time. I was going to use suffer better. Chris Williamson said we should do a collaboration shirt on that. Well, guess what? That's trademarked by an outdoor running community. Bastards. But just thinking about it, suffer well, it's a pretty good buzz line as well, too. That sucks, right? Who wants to learn how to suffer? Well, nobody does. But guess what might be the key to life? It might be the key to success. Learning how to enjoy the process, whether it is enjoyable or not. Dude, you gotta push yourself. If you can slowly work yourself over time to a place where the easy button discuss you, your life won't look anything like it does today. The opportunities that will present themselves that you can't even fathom today, that is the path to those things. Now that's separate from the relationship with your mom. Again, my advice for your mom is this. Have a direct conversation. You have the ability to do. So go have it. And then let the answers that your mom gives you inform your behavior. And that's all I have for question number two. Today's episode is brought to you by Helix. I know many of you have heard me talk about this before. I'm never going to stop. I love a good night's sleep. Don't you like a good night's sleep? There is nothing that feels better when you wake up actually refreshed. And there's probably nothing that feels worse when you're just tossing and turning and you know you have something to do the next day and you just can't shut down and relax. Every mattress in my house is a Helix mattress. Some people will say, well, I don't know what kind of mattress to get. Don't worry about that. Helix has a quiz that you can follow. It's gonna ask you questions like, do you sleep on your stomach or on your back or on your side? Do you sleep hot or cold? Firm mattress, softer mattress, Are you a heavier person, taller person? Like all of the things that it could possibly ask you and it's gonna lead you towards their recommendation. The only thing I've ever done is take the sleep quiz and follow the recommendation. The mattress shows up at your house in a box that you're not gonna believe the mattress is in. That weighs more than you think a box should weigh. Advice here. Take it into the room that you're going to put the mattress in, untape the box, pull it out of there and do not pierce the plastic that it is in until you are ready to go. Have a buddy there with you. Open that thing up, let it expand, put it on the mattress, give it a little bit of time, lay down on that thing and have the best night's sleep you've ever had. Every Helix mattress has free shipping and seamless delivery. They deliver your mattress right to your door. Free shipping in the US you get 120 night sleep, trial and limited lifetime. And they have the Happy with Helix guarantee. Rest easy with seamless returns and exchanges, the Happy with Helix guarantee offers a risk free customer first experience designed to ensure you're completely satisfied with your new mattress. And Helix is the most awarded mattress brand tested and reviewed by experts like Forbes and wired. Go to helixsleep.com Cleared hot for 27% off site wide and that is exclusive for listeners of the show, that is helixsleep.com cleared hot for 27% off site wide. Helixleep.com cleared hot back to the show question three good afternoon Andy. I wanted to submit this to you for your full Auto Friday Q and A episode, but I didn't know how to get it directly to the show. Well, here you go. You solved that Been a listener for a while and wondered if you could offer some advice about how to start a difficult conversation with dear friends over the past year or two, a good friend lost his best friend to suicide and an acquaintance took his own life as well. That sucks and I'm sorry that that touched your life. If you live long enough, it's going to happen and it is a kick in the teeth every single time. So I'm sorry that that happened to you. I have three college friends who are like brothers to me. We've known each other for 40ish years and are now spread out around the country, but try to plan a trip once a year together. I am not at all concerned that they might be contemplating suicide, but I would like to bring up the subject to let them know that they can and should talk to me and each other should life start to get to them. For context. We are all 60 to 61 years old. They are all married with adult kids. I am single with no kids. How can I raise the subject with them? How do you start a conversation like that? Have you had that kind of talk with your friends? Thank you. I appreciate your insight. I have had these types of talks with my friends because the statistically shocking and anomalous number of people from my old profession who choose this end to their life I don't have the words to describe. Did I want to have this conversation with my friends? No. Did the actions of others lead me towards the realization that it's an important conversation to have and therefore spurred action in me to do so? Yes. So yeah, I have had this conversation many times. Okay, you guys are all 60 and 61 years old. You are old enough that it's okay to not beat around the bush. This conversation doesn't actually have to be that difficult because you can frame the entire thing through the lens of care and love, bringing the topic up, highlighting how much you care for these people and the easiest entrance you have into that conversation are the two instances that you mentioned. The good friend that lost his best friend to suicide and an acquaintance that took his own life. The next time that I would. That you were. That I was. That you were with this group of friends once yearly. The next time you're in person, I would hit it right on the nose. I'd be like, hey, guys, this might be an uncomfortable topic or something to talk about, but, you know, what happened with our two friends recently, it really impacted me in ways that you probably didn't think that it was going to. And it got me thinking about things that I never really thought I was going to devote much bandwidth to. And instead of wondering how you guys feel about this, I'm going to tell you how I feel in the hopes that we can have a conversation and so that you know without any level of doubt that if there is ever anything going on in your life where you need somebody to turn to well before the place where you're thinking about taking your own life, I am here for you. Right? You guys are in your sixth decade. Stop about right on the nose. I would rather shock somebody a little bit and have a meaningful conversation than try to beat around the bush because you feel they might be uncomfortable with the subject matter. Not have them really know what it is I was trying to say or how I feel. And then they make a horrible decision later on. You will regret the fact that you didn't hit it right on the nose for the rest of your days if that happens. So I think at some point, you know, it's there in your 60s. I mean, let's be honest, you know, people that have died, people in your social circle and peer group have probably died accidentally. Hopefully not to, like, horrendous. Not hopefully that. I don't mean that hopefully your friends have died. I mean that if they have died, hopefully it was accidental, not like some horrific health issue because they weren't taking care of themselves. I think you understand what I'm saying. I'm not hoping for anybody to die here. But death is a subject in your 60s that you should start talking about now. Nobody really wants to, because facing your own mortality can be tough. But if you listen to people like Marcus Aurelius, he used to face his own mortality multiple times per day. He found it to be one of the ways that he could appreciate the here and now and to value the time that he does have left and to maximize the utilization of that time. There's a calendar out there and it basically lists the Average lifespan in weeks. And it's just, you know, little dash marks and you cross them out. And a lot of people be like, oh, my God, that's horrible. Why would you do that? Well, it's to remind you that you only live once and that you don't know how long you're going to live. So maybe let's fill this lap up this little jalopy that's going around the track. Let's jam as much stuff into that thing as possible, bounce it off the walls, blow the engine out as it's coming to the end of the track. Tires are exploded. It barely gets across. You're never going to do that if you don't take the time to have these realizations that your time is actually limited. And that's something that I. I don't obsess over this, but it is something that I think about at this phase of my life for myself. I. Experiences to me, with the people that I love matter the most. Physical, tangible things. They matter absolutely the least to me because I don't take any of those with me. And not that I take the experiences with me either, but if I had a choice between a thing or doing something awesome with somebody with my final moments left, I'm going with, obviously doing something awesome with somebody that I care about. So put it right on the nose. Ask them how they feel, ask them if it impacted their life, and just have a really direct upfront conversation. Conversations about life and death don't have to be dark. I mean, both are going to happen to everybody. One of them already has to everybody that you know. And for some people that you knew, both have. So I don't think there's anything to be risked or gambled by not just sitting down with your friends, telling them how you feel. Talk to them about the things that you're worried about. Your relationship and friendship might be even closer because of it. That's all I got for you. All right, here we go. Probably the last one for today. Andy, I've been in a long or. I've been a longtime fan of your work and appreciate your desire to help people around you. To me, one of the most impressive parts of your life that you share with others is the love that you have for Leah. I'm glad that that comes across because I don't have the vocabulary for her influence in my life when it comes to what I now believe love is. I'm glad that that comes across because I don't know how I would necessarily explain it. I'm super happy for you to have found someone that you feel so strongly about and this leads me to a question that I would appreciate your perspective on. I am 31 years old and have been dating a girl for over two years now. It is my first real long term relationship as I did not date much in my 20s. The girl I am dating is a very good Persian Persian Persia person. I don't know what's going on with my S's today. Too much salty element. Kind, thoughtful and easygoing. She gets along with everyone in my life that I introduce her to, including all of my family members and friends in my hometown. On a side note, I now live in redacted which they did say somewhere in Montana which is dope and would love to show you the good parts of town that you definitely do not see from the interstate conversation for another time. I will agree that the town you are talking about that shall remain nameless. I've only visited it from the interstate and I talked to some cops there and they said it gets a little methy at areas, but they say that about everywhere in Montana and probably everywhere in the US when it gets rural. Any who my hang up is the way I feel about her. Even when the relationship began, I felt no excitement about us dating. I felt that she was a good human being who deserved to be taken chance on, but I didn't necessarily find myself thinking about her often when we weren't together two years later. It is very convenient to be in a relationship with her. She knows my life well and I know hers and it's getting to the point where we are talking about taking the next step and moving in together. I've tried to be honest with her about where I am and how far away I am to feeling like I want to propose and she always seems to be understanding of my feelings. But our relationship appears to be approaching the time where I need to shit or get off the pot and make a hard decision. My loved ones and close friends would likely think that I am crazy if I decided to end the relationship, but I also want to feel strongly about the person I am in a relationship with. I feel like I am in love. I feel like I am in love when I am in a committed relationship and I enjoy spending time with that person, which I currently don't. I am very confused by that sentence, but that's what you wrote. So moving on. I know marriage takes lots of work and effort and are not always fun, but I am scared as to what it will look like 10 years into a marriage if I don't feel strongly about the relationship. Now. I have tried to talk with trusted confidants about this, but I also feel like they are biased because they really like her. So I feel very stuck in this decision making process. There are a lot of other moving parts in life right now as well, but I am trying to keep things concise to the issue at hand. I was wondering if you have any advice on the issue based on the experience you had with romantic relationships in your life. Hope this wasn't too long. Hope you have a wonderful day. Well, I hope you have a wonderful day as well. Wow. It's a complicated question. Why do you feel like it's getting to the time where you have to shit or get off the pot? Where does that come from? What template are you holding up against your relationship and looking at it and saying you're one this year, two this. Okay, in this phase right here, it's shit or get off the pot. At this phase here, we have to do these things. I understand there might be societal pressure or that might be considered the norm in society, but fuck that. I mean, somebody else's norm doesn't have to be your norm. My point in all of that is to say you are the one who has to live your life. And we'll use in the context of this relationship, you too are the only people in this relationship whose opinions actually matter. The societal standards that other people may be looking like, hey, bud, you know, you've been together for two years. Probably should start looking at, you know, let's take the next step, let's move in with each other. Somebody's saying that to you. Or, you should move in with her. Okay. And then two years down the road like, hey, dude, what's going on, man? Like, aren't you guys getting married? I get that. I get that there is a natural rhythm or maybe a sequence to how a lot of relationships go. But given that the divorce rate, I think right now is just over 50%, meaning it's a coin toss as to whether or not your relationship is going to be successful. I don't know how good that the status quo is. I'm not really into a status quo that is equal to, if not greater than the odds of going to Vegas and rolling dice and hoping that the number seven doesn't come up. So maybe none of that matters. What does matter in a relationship are the two people that are in it. So, yeah, you probably have some issues of bias with your friends. If you're asking your friends, and they know this person and they really like this person. Can they give you unbiased advice? Yes. Is that challenging and oftentimes difficult to do so? Yeah, probably because they just have that inherent bias. They know that person, they have the reps and the experience with that person. So take that into account. I know neither of you, so I could guess I give you a more objective view based only on the information that you provided to me. But again, that's going to be incomplete because I only have the data set that's in front of me. Based off of that. What I would say is this. If you're not sure, and I don't know how to define sure, for some people, they might be able to objectively write down a list of criteria and literally check them off. Maybe that's what it would take them to be sure. For other people, it's going to be a 100% gut feeling. There's problems with that because that's probably emotionally based and I don't know if anybody else out there is like me. But my gut has been wrong before. Most of the time my gut was wrong is when I confused an emotional reaction with what I would say would be my instinctual gut reaction. I can get excited just like anybody else. Get too excited. I can get scared just like anybody else. I can get far too scared. And your decision making process on both ends of that spectrum rapidly degrades. So maybe the answer is a little bit of objectivity with little check marks and a little bit of gut. I don't know. That's for you to decide for yourself and for anybody listening to this to decide for themself. But I would. I don't know of anybody who recommends getting married in the hopes that things will get better. If we can just get married, it'll solve problems. If we can just get married, our relationship will get better. If we can just get married, things will work themselves out. In my experience with the people that I know, I'm not going to say that any of those things are impossible. But I can say with a pretty high level of certainty that they are not very probable. I would not recommend bringing the government into your relationship if you are not, at a minimum, very enthusiastic about taking it to the next level. And by that I mean casual relationship or a long term relationship into the marital realm. I mean, marriage can be amazing. The end of a marriage, speaking from personal experience is the single hardest thing I have ever worked my way through. It will turn you off to the idea of even considering it for the rest of your life. It Can. At least that's how I thought it was going to be until I met Leah. So there's risk either way. And there are plenty of people who are incredibly enthusiastic, who are incredibly committed and enter into marriage and it doesn't work. Sometimes people grow apart. Sometimes they can grow parallel with each other and grow together. It's a coin toss. So there's risks either way. But if you feel like there's a gun to your head, take a look at the mirror and make sure that you're not holding it. Because it sounds like in this situation, if there's any pressure that's coming, sure, your friends externally or your family externally could say, hey, man, like, what's going on? What do you got going on here? Why haven't you gone to the next level? Cool. Like, you can listen to that or not. I simply explain to people who are trying to hit you up with that one. Be like, listen, I'm the one who actually has to. I'm the one who's actually in this relationship. So I can appreciate what you're saying. I know you're saying it from. From a place of caring about me, but we're going to go ahead and work our way through this relationship on our pace, on our timeline, when we think it's appropriate. So appreciate the feedback, but I didn't ask for it. And do me a favor, don't give any. Any more feedback on that particular issue unless I ask for it from you. That's. It's fair to say. Right. It's. And there's. You can say it's softer than I just did, but I think you get the point of what it is you're trying to get across here. I don't know the right answer. I've seen marriages that are beautiful things, and I have seen marriages that define just about every level of evil. And I don't think they entered into it with that. With that end state in mind, but just incredibly so destructive. Marriage itself is an immense amount of work. If you go into. Let's take marriage out of this. If two people enter into a relationship in general and they bring a lot of baggage with them, and that baggage is undealt with. The baggage will deal with you at some point in time and it might just cork your relationship out into outer space. I don't see marriages being any different. It's. Yeah, you're making a. A deeper level of commitment, I suppose. Yeah, you sign paperwork, it can take time to unwind. There can be legal complications. There can be financial constraints and complications. That are associated with that. But even the best marriages of people that I know, it is still work. And one of the fastest ways I can identify somebody as being a liar is when they tell me, oh yeah, my relationship is perfect. I'm like, okay. I mean, I don't call them a liar to their face, but it's like, yeah, I have yet to meet anybody who can actually say that and be telling the truth. It's going to be work. Now, is it all going to be incredibly hard work? No, that's going to be shifting throughout each and every relationship. But if it doesn't feel right, I would first identify why Is this something? Is it the person that you're in the relationship with that are you, that you are just not enthusiastic about the idea of marriage or is it the idea of marriage in general that you are not enthusiastic about? Because those are two very different things. And you know, in the world we live in, I would say two out of my three kids will probably get married. One of them I don't think believes that it is a viable path forward. And who am I to say as to which one of those camps is correct or not? You don't have to get married to be in a committed relationship with somebody. So if it's just the idea of marriage, cool, that's solvable. If it's the person, then you have to ask yourself, is this the right person for me? And if it's not, how much more time in the limited time that we have left do you want to commit to that? And that can suck, right? I'm not trying to be an asshole here because I'm kind of saying if you realize that the person is not your person, you may be better served to cut chalks and move on. Yeah, that's going to really suck for the other person, especially if they get ambushed by that. But what would suck more, a 10 year marital commitment down the road that falls apart and you would, and you would realize before you entered into that that it wasn't going to work. You think that's going to be more fun or more enjoyable? It's not. I'm here to tell you this is like preventative medicine and maintenance up front, addressing issues as early as you can possibly recognize them. So you can make a long term choice and decision based off of those things. I can't tell you whether or not you should or shouldn't get married. My advice to you would be determine of those two things. Is this a person that the idea of marriage makes you uncomfortable about or is it the idea of marriage in and of itself. Once you identify that starting point then there are things that you can do about that. If the idea of marriage just doesn't do it for you, then don't do it. If the idea of marriage with this person doesn't feel right, you got some tough questions to ask yourself. So that's my advice and that's all I have for this Friday. See you all on Monday with a banger of an episode that I have been waiting to talk to this guy for a couple years.
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