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Pack Light, Fight Hard, Say What Needs to Be Said | Full Auto Friday | 3.6.2026
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Okay, I got the red smoke. Sun run north or south? West of the smoke. West of the smoke. Okay, copy. West of the smoke. I'm looking at danger close now. Oh, with it, baby. Give it to me. I mean it. You're cleared hot. Copy. Cleared hot. What's up, everybody? I'm back. I went with the closer close up angle for today. Some people were saying that the wide one looks impersonal. How do you please, everybody? Does anybody have an answer to that? I would love an answer to that. So I don't know. You let me know. Is this one better? I don't like being this close to my face, being able to see the creased lines in my forehead. Somebody said one in one of the comments. My forehead looks like it has an eight pack. Is that good or bad? Does that mean my forehead is working out good? What does that mean? I need to hit my sister and get like 2 liters worth of Botox, which is. I wouldn't do that anyway. My. I am what I am. So anyway, traditional Q and A for today. Any updates on anything I've been up to? I just did Jocko's podcast. Episode number 5:30. For those of you who have supported me, I think last Friday, actually I talked specifically about a request to support the new book coming out April 14th, if you can. For those of you that have awesome, thank you very much. I'll put a link again in the show. Notes Jocko, for those of you unfamiliar, his first episodes, I didn't realize this. He said when I was on episode 64, I was the 12th guest he had ever had. And up until then, a lot of it was, I don't want to say book reviews, but it kind of was book reviews or dissecting and going through chapter for chapter. And in talking with my wife, she was saying they're her favorite episodes. So that's what we did. For any of you wondering what the book is actually going to be about, what's going to be in the book? We didn't cover the entire thing, but I sat down and the book was there and it was fully tabbed out and we chatted about it for nearly four hours. So there's that episode 5:30. Find it where you can find all of your podcast stuff. And into that, let's just do a traditional Q and A before that thought for the audience. As the production of the podcast continues, there are times where it ebbs and flows a little bit. Sometimes I'll have two in the can or the next week's is going to be recorded the week before and sometimes it starts stretching out a little bit and it's a little bit of a double edged sword because you don't want to sit on the things, especially if it's a timely conversation. I'm curious the audience's thoughts. I know a lot of people like the Full Auto Fridays. I didn't even realize how many people actually like them, but the feedback is consistent. What would people think if there's a lot of episodes in the can of doing one Friday guest episode the next Friday Q and A? So that way I can kind of work my way through that. I don't necessarily want to commit to doing three podcasts per week, even though I enjoy doing The Q&As which I'm about to do. Just trying to figure out a structure and I don't know the right answer for that structure. So any listener feedback would be appreciated. Would you rather me release if I'm going to do two conversational episodes in a week on Monday and Wednesday or flip flop them on the Full Auto Friday or the negligent stuff that I do with Michael and that's it. So let's dive in. Today's episode is brought to you by Fabric by Gerber Life. It's the beginning of 2026. It's a new year. Every year I try to think about things that I can do, improvements I can make. I don't think I'm alone in that. I think a lot of people are taking stock of their life and thinking about what are the most valuable things that I have and what can I do to protect them. 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Apply today in just minutes@meatfabric.com ClearedHot that's meetfabric.com ClearedHot M E E T fabric.com Cleared hot policies issued by Western Southern Life Assurance Company not available in certain states. Prices subject to underwriting and health questions. Back to the show. We're going to start off light and fun today. This question is very easy. What are the contents of your Eberly stock fanny pack? Well, I have it here in front of me. This is the fanny pack that I'm currently using. This is an over the counter, off the shelf Everly Stop stock fanny pack. It's got three compartments. And before I get into this, I haven't changed anything about it except for my keys for the studio or out, that is. I'll grab those. So it's not a simulation. I'll just put these. I'll put these back in here and we'll pretend like I didn't have to to do this before the episode. Now it's ready to go. No simulation before I go through this. I talk about this all the time. Being prepared and being paranoid are two very different things. Do I sometimes have medical stuff in my fanny pack? Yes. Do I currently have medical stuff in my fanny pack? I do not. A tourniquet would be an easy one to add into here, but I was actually doing a helicopter flight into the backcountry and I was shuffling some things around because I carry medical kit with me there and a pretty good amount in my vehicle. So I was moving some stuff around, took the tourniquet that I normally have in here and I put it into the helicopter on the outside because we had a couple more people coming with where we were going and what we were going to go do. Now that means right now I'm without a tourniquet on my fanny pack. Is that catastrophic? Well, assuming that I don't need to stop any hydraulic fluid from leaking out of somebody's body, it's not going to be that big of a deal. It is normally in here, but right now I am aware of that capability gap. And if I needed to, hopefully I'd either be around somebody who has that or near my vehicle where there's more tourniquets than I can count. So let's get into this. Three zippered pockets. You guys are gonna be fired up the outside zipper. Super. This is my most tactical compartment. You ready for this? AirPods. This is the first thing that is in my fanny pack. If you don't know what those are used for, I don't know what to tell You. The second thing that has been in here since it was gifted to me and this has traveled the world at this point is a little action figure of a miniature dachshund, or dachshund or dachel, depending on where you are from. And I love my little javelin, my little Javi, my buddy. And he doesn't get to come with me everywhere, but he's with me in spirit. And some people might say that's really weird that you have one of those in your fanny pack. And some people might even say that's really weird that you wear a fanny pack. And I don't know what to tell you. Right. Don't tell me how to live my life. I won't tell you how to live yours. So we'll just put those right over there. Just throw this asleep. All right. Second zippered pocket. Like I mentioned, these are all my keys. There's a lot of them. Keys to everything. Knife. Montana knife, Company knife. For all those vicious and savage knife fights that I get into with envelopes and boxes. This is it. I think this is the mini. It's one of the mini goats. It's the one with the little pinky holder for you when you really need to get in there and get some work in on those Amazon boxes. That is legitimately why I have that in there. What else do I have in here? Oh, keys. The coffee shop. All right. A lot of keys, if you haven't figured it out. Lots of keys. Ooh, I didn't realize I had these in here. These are all. You can drink coffee at the coffee shop for a year. I give these to people sometimes, depending. Maybe it's somebody who comes into the coffee shop all the time, staff knows their name, whatever it may be. Sometimes I'll give these out to law enforcement, but I have a couple of these. So, yeah, these are good for drip coffee for a year at the coffee shop. That's it. Last pocket, the one that's all the way to the back. Probably already know what's in here, right? Yes. This is going to be a firearm. So this is the firearm that I currently have. I currently have the staccato 2011 HD. I have a TLR7 Alpha light on this thing because half of every day occurs at night. I have a Trijicon red dot sight on the top of this thing that came from the factory, ready to go. Even with like paint marker pens on the retention screws. And what's in this thing. 18 round magazine, fully ready to go. That is what is in my fanny Pack. People say, well why would you wear a fanny pack? And if you haven't figured it out yet, I got a lot of stuff that came out of this. I would have to figure out a way to carry all of this stuff. And it's not a crazy amount but I mean here's the collection of keys that I go around with every day. So yeah, that's, I mean that's gonna be in and of itself a full pocket or in a backpack. The knife, you know, I guess you could put that on your, your waistband or your belt depending on what it is that you are wearing. The bottom line is for me it's convenience in the summer months up here. I know there are solutions to be carrying in an inside the waistband holster. I will go with an appendix carrier when I'm not using a fanny pack. Yes, there are ways you can do that with board shorts on. I haven't really found one that is super comfortable. Fanny packs in that environment for me makes it a little bit easier. I can carry all of my stuff. I can maintain positive control of it if I need to. I can put it into my backpack that's you know, off a camera. Depending on the environment that we're in. It's kind of just got everything and like I said, normally I have a tourney kit in here as well, but there you go. That is what is in my Eberly stock fanny pack. Hope that answers your question. Okay, question number two. I wish I could say that we were going to go as light hearted as that for today, but we're not. Picked some different tranches here. Here we go. Hello, andy. I am 21 years old and I have not done anything in my life. I have quit at every goal I've set and accomplished nothing meaningful in my life. I've been battling an addiction to weed on and off for years and have had unexplained back pain since I was 17. In parentheses. All images are good. So it sounds like you've gotten it checked out and they're not able to determine where it is coming from. I have never really put work into rehabbing it until last year. That's when I made made it my goal to join the USMC or United States Marine Corps. I started seeing progress in the rehab. I quit smoking. Then I got a bad stomach infection the doctor could not find and lost £25. I got some antibiotics and I'm in the recovery process for the infection. But my progress in the back recovery has reset and I've fallen back into addiction after self Medicating with weed to combat the nausea I have been experiencing. It's been exactly a year since I've made the Marines my goal, and I've only gone backwards in progress. My question is, should I see this through or am I being in your words? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Your podcast has helped a lot in this process. I cannot thank you enough. Well, let me start with this, bud. You're gonna be okay. I hadn't accomplished much in my life by the time I was 21 years old either. Yes, I had made it through a selection process that not a lot of people make it through, but spoiler alert, not a lot of people try to go there either. So put that aside. I was a very average 21 year old whose dossier was full of a lot more mistakes and failures than it was successes. You are early. Even if you just take the average life expectancy of somebody in the United States right now, you have a lot of Runway in front of you, right? If it's a lap on the track, you have a substantial amount that you can move forward on. So don't forget that. Okay? I know how you feel right now. I've been where you feel right now, where it's like, screw it. Nothing is going my way. Nothing has gone my way. So nothing, therefore, ever can go my way. And. And that is wholly untrue. But we tell ourselves these things, and then we end up making it a reality. Not because the world is doing that to us, but because we're doing it to ourself. And that is the worst part about that. So keep your chin up here to begin with. All right? First thing, the Marine Corps, that's a great goal. But you need to put that on pause for a little bit here. You are not what I would say, physically or mentally ready at this point to achieve that goal. Work towards it for sure. But you need to put this thing about 12 months away, because there's a couple issues going on. First, you need to stop smoking weed if you're going to be going into the Marine Corps. Okay? You need to rehab your body. The key here is that. And you put this in your own words. You started seeing progress in the rehab. So you were unexplained back pain since you were 17, but when you started working on it, you noticed that it started to get better. Which tells me, by the way, I'm not a doctor and none of this is medical advice, but it tells me that there is room there for improvement. And whatever it may have been that was going on you can't identify it on an imagery. Maybe it was a brain, body connection. Whatever it is, it sounds like when you started to put the work in, things started to get better. And now you got a setback, right? You have some stuff going on with your stomach, and there are some really weird and gnarly stuff that can happen with your stomach. And taking antibiotics, yes, that's an approach, but that can also upset your stomach biome. So on that front, maybe try to look at some things that you can do, dietary wise, that could help reset that stomach biome that can get you back on track. Because that's actually what it is that you need to do. You need to figure out a way that you can get back on track. Do not give up on that goal. But let's put it at a reasonable place, okay? 25 pounds of weight loss is pretty substantial. I mean, anybody out there who has naturally tried to gain 25 pounds of functional mass, whether that, you know, the healthy blend of muscle and fat, that's really hard. And at 21, I don't actually think I could have done that in a year at 21, I think I was still under £200 at that point. My body just wouldn't let me put on mass at that age. And you might be in that place too. So it's going to take you time. And that's yet another reason to put something out on the horizon. Now, having said that, because that goal is so far on the horizon, you're not gonna get any level of satisfaction or reinforcement that you are making progress. If you're only looking at that goal, that's really far out there. What you need to do right now, my suggestion to you is this, is put yourself on a very simple path of things that you can accomplish that will make a difference in your life. And they're not going to seem gigantic in the moment. They're not going to seem like it's even going to make a difference in the moment. But if you can stack a little bit of momentum going in your favor, they are going to help make that goal get a little bit closer and a little bit closer, and it's going to start to seem more achievable for you. Your goal of getting into the Marine Corps is great. I really would like to see you fulfill that. But there's some things that you need to do along the way. So first things first, sort the stomach issue. I wouldn't try to layer training, and by that I mean structured, rigorous training in your pursuit of going into the Marine Corps on top of a body that is dealing with something. I do believe there are some maintenance things that you can do. And one of the first things that I'm going to recommend is if your body's going to tolerate it, is literally get up and go for a walk every day. As ridiculous as that sounds, that is how I started my rehab. From when I had the intestinal blockage where they zipped me open from below my belly button to almost my sternum. Took everything out, cleared everything out, put it all back in, and I was at the least functional phase of my life. From physical capacity, I could not even stand up or sit up on my own. It was shocking how little I was able to do. And the first time I went for a walk, here's a measure of how incapable I was of doing anything. I think Leah and I went to the end of our street, which is probably not the distance of a football field and back, and I was exhausted at that. It took a couple days until we made it around the block and then a couple days until it was two blocks and then I would go and I would leave the neighborhood. But every time that I was able to go a little bit farther, even though it was still jarring for me to think five days before the surgery, what I was able to do versus five days after the surgery, I mean, you could not have a more stark black and white comparison. The fact that I was able to do a little bit more was very beneficial for me from a mental health perspective. Was I breaking any world records? No. Was I doing anything? Actually, I wasn't even allowed to break a sweat until they took the staples out. So I was actively trying not to, but I don't think I was physically capable of doing something that would have made me sweat unless it was processing the toxins from the medications out of my body. That's where you can start, though, if your stomach is is not allowing for that. Pick something small every day that you can accomplish. Because your opening sentence, not done anything in my life. And quit at every goal you've ever set and accomplish nothing meaningful in your life. Again, starting at the end of that. Nothing meaningful in your life. Give it time, man. Not a lot of 21 year olds have. Have you graduated high school? You know, I mean, I guarantee you if you were here to sit down and talk with me, we could find some things that although may not end up with your face on Mount Rushmore, they are accomplishments in life that are important and shouldn't be forgotten. You've quitted every goal that you've set. Okay, I understand that seems like it's a little, you know, hyperbolic in nature, because I'm sure that you have successfully completed some things in your life. But what I think you're saying is right now you feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders and you've never been able to do anything successfully. This is where that micro goal every single day comes in, let's say. I mean, there's so many. Again, to reference the conversation I was having with Jocko and we talked a little bit about McRaven's speech, about making your bed in the morning, which isn't about actually making your bed. It's about starting your day with a disciplined act. I don't know your physical limitations, but there is something that you are able to do every single day that you can start your day with. Pick a metric of success that you can achieve. Not achieve without trying, but maybe start with achieve with lower than, you know, Herculean effort. And then you can build on top of that. If you can walk, you need to go for a walk 30 days straight. If you miss a single day in that, you get to restart and you get to build upon that until you hit 30. That doesn't seem like much because I'm telling you, it's not much. And we all have time in our day to go for a walk. But set that as a goal and accomplish that, or start at 7, whatever you need to do. Maybe 30 is too much for you, do 15. If 15 is too much for you, do 7. If 7 is too much for you, do 1 and then layer that until it's 2 and layer that till it's 3, until it's 7, till it's 14, till it's a month, and then we can start talking from there. Once your body is back underneath you and you're feeling better and you're not in pain, even though you are using weed to combat the nausea you've been experiencing. If we can get that to go away way, you need to start putting the weed down and you need to start training. Right? The military is not a place to mix substances and service. And you need to be clean in both mind and body before you go into military service. So. And again, that's another reason why I'd put you out for 12 months. You need to get that out of your vernacular. Smoking weed needs to be completely gone. If you can't do that, if you can't put it down, then I would tell you that maybe your goal is unreasonable because Those two things are not going to work well in parallel. And you can change this. You know the. I've never done anything in my life. You can change that. You can change that by taking the approach that I've laid out for you. And again, it doesn't have to be. This is an approach I'm laying out for you, knowing nothing about your living situation, your financial situation, social situation, any of these things. So don't take the approach that I have given you as prescriptive. Think of it just as a framework that you can either attach things to or take things off, depending on what works for your life. Right? Let's use these as ideas, but do what is actually working for you and layer those towards your goal. Use that desire to join the Marine Corps and then you should of course have another goal, which is to be graduate boot camp as your long term goal. I'm here to tell you if you are able to accomplish that, you will never again be able to say or write that you have never done anything in your life. Marines as a group have such an esprit de corps out of all military services. It is a community. It is a brotherhood and a sisterhood. The camaraderie. You will never again be able to say you've never done anything in your life because you will always have that community of people there to support you. And that went through that same crucible as well. So you are going to be okay. You should see your way through this. But set yourself up for success. If you try to broad jump the Grand Canyon, you are going to fall to your death instead of trying to broad jump it. Realize that what that really means is I'm on one side and I want to get to the other one. Well, maybe there's a bridge just down the road that you could walk and it's going to take you a thousand steps versus one broad jump. But you will eventually arrive there as long as you can keep putting one foot in front of the other. And that is what is important. And you can do that. And you got the remainder of your life to accomplish things that you will be proud of or that others may be proud of. So don't sweat it. At 21, you're doing okay. And you're gonna be okay as long as you don't give up on yourself. And that's all I have for question number two. Today's episode is brought to you by Stash. You don't need to overhaul your life to start investing. Just automate it with Stash your new year money goals can quietly run in the background while you focus on everything else. 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Investment Advisory Services offered by Stash Investments, LLC and SEC Registered Investment Advisor Investing Involves Risk Question number three A little bit longer, but Shifting gears for sure Andy I'm looking for perspective on a long running issue with my family's or my wife's family, specifically her younger 2023 year old sister and now her husband. I genuinely want to repair things and build a healthy family dynamic, but I also don't want to keep swallowing frustration until it explodes. I've been with my wife for about eight years. We're in a strong place. Married, kids, shared goals, solid foundation. The issue isn't my marriage. The issue is the dynamic with her younger sister. From early on I noticed a pattern where she would interject into conversations that didn't involve her offering opinions on topics she had no experience in, interrupting adult conversations and generally inserting herself in moments where it felt inappropriate. At first I ignored it. Eventually I confronted it bluntly. That did not go well. I matured in the military and we would deal with the know it alls very directly and publicly, which doesn't seem to work in the family context. We will address that in a moment. That's gonna fall under the no shit buddy category. Over time I also began noticing what felt like mimicry, hairstyle changes, life decisions, even relationship choices that seemed patterned after my wife's. When she started dating her now husband, the similarities between him and me were striking down to surface details such as biracial and name. Maybe coincidence, maybe not, but to me it felt like a continuation of a longer pattern or larger pattern. The bigger rupture came when I had a direct conversation with her then boyfriend about his intentions. I asked straightforward questions about what he valued in her and whether they were aligned. Later he told her I had spoken negatively about her. That triggered a major family blow up. Since then I've kept my distance from him entirely because I don't tolerate what I perceive as dishonesty or social maneuvering. There have been multiple family conflicts over the years. Recently, after what had been a good family night, something small and in parentheses and this is very important and alcohol fueled reignited everything. Now there's tension between me and the sister, me and her mom, my wife and her mom, etc. We've scheduled a sit down conversation so it sounds like there's tension between just about everybody except for the dad if he's still in the equation because I haven't heard him mentioned yet once. Here's where I'm st I want respect in conversations. No interrupting, no inserting into things that don't involve her. I want her to develop her own identity rather than patterning her life around her sisters. I want honesty and directness instead of behind the scenes reinterpretations. I do not want to keep being cast as the villain for addressing issues others avoid because they don't want conflict. At the same time, I know I've contributed to escalation. I've blown up before, I've withdrawn completely. I've probably come off harsh or controlling when what I actually feel is frustration and protectiveness over my wife and our household. So my question is, how do I approach this conversation in a way that establishes boundaries, doesn't compromise my principles, but also doesn't further fracture the family? I generally genuinely not generally, I genuinely do not like being around her and her now husband. However, the family gets together almost weekly and how do I check myself to make sure I'm not letting ego or comparison drive more of this than I realize. Appreciate any perspective from you. Wow, this is a long email and there is a ton in this. Where do I begin? I've said this many times on the show and I think it was usually through the example of being a coach when I owned a CrossFit gym and the frustration that you can have when you can see somebody's potential and they refuse to put the steps in to realize it or they will tell you everything that it is that they want to do and you will invest an immense amount of time and energy and effort to help put them on a path with a plan that you help create with legitimate instructions from A to whatever letter in the Alphabet it may be to get to where they want to go and they don't do it. And over time, what I realized is you have to be careful guarding your expectations for other people. Or I should say you have to guard your expectations for other people, not be careful guarding them. You have to be careful how much it is you want for somebody else. Because if you want for somebody else more than they want for themselves, that's a really frustrating place to be, which is what it sounds like the place that you are in right now. Now, if you're frustrated for wanting more for somebody than they want for themself, who is in the wrong there? My answer would be the person who isn't walking a mile in those shoes. And maybe wrong isn't the correct answer or the correct word to describe that, but your life is going to be comprised of your time walking a mile in your shoes. And in this situation, the sister that you're talking about, regardless of how much you may want from her, it may not be what she wants for herself or it may be more than she feels that she is capable of or even wants to do in the first place. And if you get frustrated about that, that's more about you than it is about her. The vast majority of things that you have talked about in this email are things that you cannot control. You are trying to control a variable that you at best have indirect influence on and in your own words, have poorly managed that influen at times. So it shouldn't surprise you that when you try to push hard on one of the levers, nothing happens. I wish I knew the age difference here. Obviously you've known the sister for about eight years. In the third paragraph, I noticed early on a pattern where she would interject into no, not about that. Where is it? It was mimicry. Okay. Over time, I also began noticing what felt like mimicry. Hairstyle changes, life decision, even relationship choices. Have you even considered that maybe the younger sister looks up to your wife as the example that she wants to be? I mean, a lot of this, I'm going to be honest with you. Here is a scathing description of somebody else's character. This is very outward, right? And we're going to get to the. Here's where I'm stuck here in a second. This description of somebody else who is falling short of your standards. Have you taken a second to think about what life may look like from the sister's point of view, looking up at your relationship with her sister and wanting to model that now at a younger age? Maybe she doesn't necessarily know how to do that. So mimicry is the closest that she can come. But why are you taking mimicry as only a negative as opposed to something where you could sit back and you go, you know what? My wife is pretty awesome. I can understand why somebody in her family would also want to follow in those footsteps. Oh, you know what? I'm pretty awesome too. Maybe the sister is using the example of me and the relationship that I have with her sister and trying to find that for herself. So I'm worried here that you're a little bit more of a glass half empty person when it comes to this situation than a glass half full. But the reality is this, man, the glasses are refillable. So you know, you can look at it from both sides. This is a, this is an example of, I hope that your life would survive the level of scrutiny that you are putting on to somebody else. Because if it doesn't or you don't think it would, you need to do some work on the person that you see in the mirror. To go down to, here's where I'm stuck. I want respect in conversations. No interrupting, no inserting the things, no inserting into things that don't involve her. Why are you the arbiter of things that don't involve other people? Are you saying that you are the person who gets to decide where this person has involvement or not? Now, clearly, if you're having a conversation around with your wife or whatever, it may be about something in it, like, right, there's very clear examples of things that probably don't require input from somebody else, not directly involved in that situation. But anything outside of that. Again, you are acting in this email as if you are the arbiter of what she can and can't say, where she should or should not be involved. Interrupting. I get that that can be super frustrating. I hope that you don't ever interrupt her or anybody else. If it's. If you're anything like me, this is a practice skill. Listening is a little bit of a harder skill to learn than talking, it seems like, especially at an under a younger age. And it sounds like this person is a lot long younger than you are, so she may not have that many reps. If you want respect in conversations, the fastest way that you can get that is to show other people the same respect that you are looking for. I want her to develop her own identity rather than patterning her life after her sister's. Who the fuck are you to try to tell somebody how they should Live their life. Are you that squared away a tower of perfection, an ivory tower that you stand upon and yell down and smite the peasants that are underneath you? Where you think you get to tell anybody else how to live their life? I get it. People are going to let you down for their entire life and their actions and in their speech. And there's absolutely nothing that you can largely do about that other than control your proximity to that happening, which I'll get to that here in a minute. But dude, take a wrap off. And please take a moment to assess whether or not you are putting in as much effort on yourself as you are trying to put in on this young woman. I want honesty and directness instead of behind the scenes reinterpretations. That is completely and utterly fair. Are you participating in this in any way, shape or form? Are you gossiping behind the scenes or having conversations with your wife or taking the truth and molding it a little bit to suit your narrative and reality? I do not want to keep being cast as the villain for addressing issues others avoid because they don't want conflic. Wow, you have an incredible ability to read people's minds and understand exactly why they are choosing the behavior that they are. I wish I had your skill because reading somebody's mind is something that I have never been able to do. I can look at their actions and make an assumption. But man, the level of certainty that you are expressing here is impressive. Almost a superpower. Have you ever considered that you may see issues where other people don't? Or that particular issues have sensitivities for you that they don't for other people? Or that perhaps people don't agree with you or feel the same way that you do or have the same beliefs that you do? I'm sure there is an aspect in essence of people wanting to avoid conflict that's very natural. But is that all it. Can you actually speak about it in this certain level of absolute. You know, it just is the absolute reason why this is happening and the only reason. And are you sure you're being cast as the villain or are they talking about your behavior and you just don't like how it makes you feel? Are you acting in a way where you could be portrayed as the villain? And I am not saying that you are. I'm just saying these are the conversations that I would recommend that you have with yourself. Because right now you are a minigun. A finger is pointing in the other direction, trying to tell people how they should live their life. What you think is Important how they should be the way that you expect them to communicate with you. And I'm not hearing a whole lot even though yes you say in the next sentence at the same time I know I've contributed to the escalation. You've blown up, you've withdrawn completely. Okay. I wonder if you were to give them an opportunity to create four bullet points of their own where it says hey, hey, this is where I'm stuck. I wonder what they would have to say in the other direction. I wonder if you would even be open to considering the feedback that they may have for you. Because right now, based off of again, my only data point is the email that you sent in to me. This is very one sided and I've been where you are and I have felt utterly and completely righteous in an interaction and unwilling and unable to see somebody else's position that they're coming from and unwilling and unable to even try to understand where they were coming from. Because I used to think that if you try to understand that means that you are in some way agreeing and that is not the case at all. Trying to understand where somebody is coming from is not connected in any way, shape or form to agreeing with where they are coming from or their belief or their argument. But it will help you understand motivations instead of making assumptions about what they may be, which is what you are doing right now. You've probably come off too harsh or controlling when I actually feel his frustration and protectiveness over my wife and household. Bro, I'm sorry but this sounds like you need to get your own house in order here a little bit. And I don't mean your like physical structure of your house. I think you know what I'm saying and that's okay. You wanna know who's a work in progress? Me. You wanna know who's imperfect? Me. Who's done everything that you're talking about me. Right. You can spend the rest of your life trying to control this sister and none of that time on yourself and it's not going to get any better. You probably get more angry though, and more frustrated. At least Commit to a 5050 get your house in order to before pointing a finger out at somebody else's their architecture or construction. Okay, skipping forward here a little bit though. You have a family meeting coming up. Actually, let's talk about this here. Multiple conflicts over the years. Sure. Recently, after what had been a good family night, something small and this is why I brought this up. And alcohol fueled reignited everything. This is a tough one. You know Alcohol is a social lubricant for sure. It can facilitate. There's healthy interactions with alcohol and there's unhealthy ones. And for everybody, they have their own little metrodome or the measure. And when it goes beyond that, and oftentimes in my own experience, it's hard to tell as you are approaching that limit and then going beyond. And I have certainly had blowups in my own family that were alcohol fueled. And it sucks, right, because you have to go back and you have to a try to remember to the best of your ability what happened. And you're not even looking. It's like you're looking through a telescope that has cotton on both sides of it. You're just doing the best you can to try to remember. And your accuracy isn't that great, especially if all parties have alcohol involved. You're just not the best version of yourself. So I would set. This is hard to do as well. I would almost set internal boundaries and talk about this with your wife. Be like, listen, if we're, if we're going to go over there and we're going to drink as a family, I would set topics that are on the table and other ones that are off limits and especially the ones that are very volatile. Just don't even engage in that. And if people are engaging in that, my suggestion to you would be this. You can't control them. The only thing you do or can do is control your proximity to that. So have the conversation with your wife before and be like, listen, I can see where this is going. Based off of previous history and behavior, we are just going to get out of here before it gets worse. I assure you that if the family gets frustrated or upset by that, that is easier to deal with. Leaving early because you have that boundary and you're going to hold it than the sit down conversation that you're probably likely going to have where things got a little bit out of control. So take the former, not the latter on that one. Try to get out of there before it gets to this place. Because now you're in this place and there's no easy place or no easy path to get out of this. It's not going to be the most fun conversation you ever had and that's okay. I think I probably learned more in the hard conversations in my life than I have in all of the easy ones put together. So to your question, how do I approach this conversation in a way that establishes boundaries, doesn't compromise my principles, but also doesn't further fracture the family? Well, I mean, how about first and foremost, think outside of just yourself. Maybe realize that everybody coming into this conversation would like to have some level of boundaries and not have their principles compromised. Even if you who don't agree with their principles, thoughts, beliefs, intentions, words, whatever it may be, I genuinely do not like being around her and her now husband. However the family gets together almost weekly. I'll answer that last still to this conversation you guys are about to have, I would openly talk about before sitting down in the conversation, if possible. I mean like you could do a group email or a group text, whatever it is, put everybody on text. So I'd be like, listen, I'm glad that we are going to be getting together to talk about this. I'm not happy with how things went. I really would like to figure out a way to navigate through this so we can come closer as a family. But before we sit down, I just want to let everybody know where our yours and your wife, because you're going to have a conversation about this first, where our headspace is and lay out those boundaries. And these I would make. Very simple and I think everybody will appreciate them. We don't want this to get to a place where it becomes an emotional argument. So we would like to ensure that if things do emotionally start escalating, that everybody is on board with stopping in that moment and taking a break. Because if it goes past that tipping point of emotions and people are yelling or whatever it may be, it is so hard to rein it back. I'm not saying it's impossible, but anybody who's ever been in any level of a family argument knows that that is where the real damage is. The tongues get sharp, they start having impact, the cuts are deep and they can last for a really long time. So hey, maybe just start with that. The boundary. The most important one is this. We don't want to get emotional in this conversation. We don't want it to lead to a further emotional confrontation. So if it gets to that level, let's just all agree, we're just all gonna, we're gonna go for a walk, just go for like 15 minute walk, a 10 minute walk, whatever it is, and then we're gonna come back. And if we still can't do it in that one conversation, we're all going to be okay with leaving that family conversation with some things that are unresolved, but agreeing that we're going to come back and we're going to work through it as many times as possible until we can get this to work to the best of its ability. That to me is an incredibly reasonable expectation. I don't think you need to list out the topics. I think you probably should just define the environment that you would like to operate inside of. Now, I would talk about with your wife the things you want to bring up specifically, because I think specifics in these environments are helpful to lead and direct the conversation. But do the best you can to not judge any one person in this conversation by a single action or a few actions. Because I don't know if you're anything like me, if you judge me only by a single mistake in my life or the mistakes that I have made. I am probably irredeemable, right? But I hope that is not the totality of who I am. So remember that not only about yourself, but the people that you're going to be talking with. So definitely establish those boundaries. I don't know necessarily what principles that you are talking about, but there are ways that you can hold your principles even while people are challenging them without responding to them in an emotional capacity. Just because somebody says something that you don't agree with does not mean that you have to challenge them in that moment or argue against them with the intent of changing their mind. I would say if somebody says something that you don't agree with, that you verbalize, you know what? I actually don't agree with that. I don't think that, you know, that is the way that this should be handled or conducted or that should have happened. But weigh in your head whether or not it is worth getting into the trenches and slugging out and potentially making things worse. You can voice your opinion and hold on to your principles without turning this into an argument. Now, let's say this doesn't go well at all, okay? I genuinely do not like being around her and her now husband. However, the family gets together almost weekly. If you are at a place or get to a place where you legitimately cannot be around these people without it going sideways, you have a choice in that. Okay, yes, this is your family too, but this is the biological family of your wife. And if there is more value brought to her by attending these family events, even if she has to go by herself, if there's more value in that then the potential risk of you coming in, this continuing to blow up, you indeed still do have a choice, right? You cannot control other people, but you cannot. You can again, you cannot control other people, but you can control yourself. There are times where the decision to not put yourself in that environment are probably the right one. And it might be beneficial to both sides. It might be healthy for you to take a little break from the family activity. It may not be right. So this is something that you're gonna have to kind of keep a pulse on. But if you just can't do it, you need to have a conversation with yourself and ask yourself, what is my wife worth to me? I think I know the answer to that question. Everything in the world. So you might need to let her go on these on her own. Would she be on the receiving end of some BS potentially? Would you maybe get a little talked about you and you weren't there? Probably, who cares? Especially if it maintains your sanity and maybe with a little bit of a break, a little bit more time, a little bit more context, a little bit more perspective, things can start to improve. Maybe her family, when she realizes she's coming without you, will realize the deep impact that this is having on you and your relationship with their daughter. And that will be the spark that allows them to think about their actions and potentially change. And maybe not. But that's the only metric of control you actually have. You cannot control somebody else. You cannot mold your wife's sister into the person that you want her to be. And quite frankly, man, stop trying to focus that energy on yourself. You had better be the absolute best version of yourself humanly possible before you start saying these type of things and basically lining out a framework of how the sister should live her life. All right, consider that. So that's the advice I have. Or perspective. The family conversation is probably going to be difficult, but it'll be more difficult if you go into their pre cocked, already frustrated, already saying like this is going to suck. This isn't going to accomplish anything. Go in there with a light heart instead of a heavy heart, man. Go in there and tell yourself you're going to listen twice as much as you talk, whether you are hearing things that you agree with or not. You can stand up for your principles without being an. You can listen to somebody explain where they are coming from without arguing with them and trying to change their mind because you just don't agree. All of these things are possible. Possible. And I highly recommend that you give them a try. So do me a favor, email me back after this. I'm fascinated to know how this family conversation went. So that's all I have for I think what was question number three? Last question for today. Andy, longtime listener, first time emailer. Oh yeah, this one's not going to be super sunsetty high fives into the, you know, as the sun sets. My mom was diagnosed last week with stage four sarcoma and likely has 12 to 30 months to live. Live. I'm 27, recently out of the army after four years as an infantry officer and now in business school. She lives in Boston and I am in Virginia. And I will be in Denver this summer starting my career, so I cannot be home consistently. I've already started counseling to work through my reaction to this. I can feel anger and detachment creeping in, and I do not want that to define how I show up for her. You have spoken about your mom before. If you had to give one piece of advice to someone balancing distance, career, and limited time, what would it be? I do not want to waste this time. Any advice is much appreciated. Oh, it's a heavy question. And for those of you who listen to the Jaco podcast, you know that we ended on the last chapter of the book, which is about my mom passing. And more so than my mom passing. It was about how I. I was just not physically capable of being the person that I feel that she deserved at the end based off of who she was for me my entire life that she was alive. You are in a tough place. You have a lot of things going on, and this is going to be the case pretty much for anybody beyond some point in their life. They're gonna have professional demands, personal demands, social circle demands, relationship demands, and life happens. And the trajectory of your life and career, whether you're on a, you know, a low trajectory towards a distant horizon, or you feel like you're climbing up at a velocity equivalent to an Elon Musk SpaceX rocket, things are going to happen that are unexpected and you're going to be forced to confront, what do I do? How can I do everything with the limited amount of time that I have and the multiple different ways that I am being pulled? And I don't know of any advice that I can give you that is going to satisfy all of those things that are going on in your life. So you're in business school, you're in Virginia, but moving to Denver, she's in Boston. You're starting your career. You can't be home consistently. How do you manage it? I wish I had talked more with my mom. And not necessarily face to face. It would have been hard for me, given where I was at the time that she was going through the cancer treatment that she eventually. For those of you that don't know, my mom had survived breast cancer well over a decade before, and she actually outlived everybody who was in her cancer survivor group and got cancer again right before or diagnosed with cancer again right before. I went on my last deployment in 2010 and was going through the chemotherapy treatment until I received the red Cross message to come home. And I don't know what they have in that stuff. I don't know what chemotherapy is comprised of, but it seems to have one mission and one mission only, to kill all the cancer and just about everything else that it comes in contact with to include the rest of the human body. So my mom was placed in a position where she had had two choices. She was going to die from the chemotherapy, or she was going to die from the cancer. And I've never had a round of chemotherapy, but it seems to be. It seems to be a pretty rough ride. So my mom chose to enter hospice. And what I mean is it would have been hard for me to talk to her more, is that I was in a place where communication was very limited. I had emails, which I even then could have done a better job in keeping better communication with her. But I was so myopically focused, quite frankly, on myself and what was going on overseas. But when I did get back, if I could go back, I would spend more time just with her and next to her, and maybe we wouldn't have had more conversations. I mean, maybe that's not even necessarily the most important part, But I would have tried to at least physically be there for her, Even though emotionally I was incapable of it at the time. But if you can check in with her more often, have more communication with her, and in the times that you are able to be there with her, go do that. And in the times that you are able to have her come to see you, make sure you do that. And in those times, together, when you have them, how they may not be an extended period of time, Spend that time with her present so you don't regret it later on. Because I do. I did the exact opposite of that. And not intentionally. Not because I didn't love my mom or because I was in some way trying to even protect myself. I just wasn't capable of being the son that she deserved when she passed. But you can learn from my mistake. You can be there for. And. And again, it's more than just physically being there. Do the one thing that I wasn't able to do, and that is be present. Put your phone down if you're going to go visit your mom. Make that the emphasis of the trip. Don't try to do other things while you're there. If it comes down to you could spend 72 hours with her of really focused time and be there to support her and to just listen and to share that time with her versus you could be there for a week, but you're going to have to be juggling professional responsibilities the whole time. Go with the one that you're more present with your mom. She deserves it. She was there for you, probably for everything you needed leading up to this point in your life. Specifically, right when we're younger, right? We our par are the idols of our lives, hopefully. I understand that there are horrible parents out there and people who don't live up to any aspect of that, but let's assume that that was who your parents were for you until you got exposed to the bigger world and social circles and, you know, other influences throughout the world. So if that's who she was for you, think about everything in her life that she probably put aside to be able to do that for you. The absolute least that you can do for her is, even in short bursts of time, try to repay the favor by doing exactly what I recommended. Spend time, have conversations. And as it gets to the end, which with cancer seems to be pretty obvious, don't leave anything left unsaid because you will regret it for the rest of your life. Make sure she knows who she is, who she was to you, and how you feel about her. Don't leave anything left unsaid. And that's all I have for this week.
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