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Raising Legends, Building Defenders, and Finding Balance
00:32:50
Normally scheduled Friday Q and A for today: 1. A third-generation California mason asks for wisdom on raising exceptional humans in an ever-changing world, balancing freedom, discipline, and moral grounding for his 3-year-old son. 2. A military...
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- [00:02]
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What'S up, everybody? Welcome back. Before we get into today's episode, we're going to talk about Spartan Forge here. So last week I was talking specifically about this little tab over here, the Cyberscout tab. So you can reference last week's episode if you want to use that. And again, I just, I need to highlight the capability of this tool. So for those of you who are audio only, you're not gonna be able to see what I'm showing. Cause I'm doing a screen recording right now. All of these tools up top are ridiculous. And right now I have a satellite Image Loaded up. Sat 1, Sat 2, Sat 3. And for people who don't know this, obviously satellite imagery is not. It's not always going to be current to the day that you're in. And the reason that you can have different versions is you can see differences in. I mean, you could ever see anything from erosion, but to construction to property lines, all of those things. So it actually is generally a good idea to at least know you might not always have access to different satel footage, but know when the pictures were taken. Topo is, you know, a topographical map. I actually recommend everybody have an understanding if you're going to be in the backcountry and how to read one of those, even though these apps exist. But again, I'm going to focus on LIDAR here again, which is giving you an idea of the terrain underneath the foliage, which is an incredible tool. You come down here though. I'm going to highlight this. Check this out. This feature is going to tilt it on an angle and it's going to give you. It's not a bird's eye view. I'll call it a 45 degree angle view. And one of the things I do often when using this tool is there's this slide slider bar. And you can increase the relief and you can obviously make it something well beyond what it actually is. But if you were interested in taking a look at something, come over here. To these terrain features that I don't even know exactly where we are other than the eastern valley of Kalispell. It's just another opportunity for you to really get an idea of the topographical relief or what you might be looking at from a terrain feature. So you can reduce it down and pull it back up. And this is a tool that I use often, specifically for when I'm flying around in a helicopter looking for somewhere else where I may want to land. And again, you can click this button right here. It takes you right back up and like, hey, let's just go back to the satellite image. Boom, there we are. It's a tool that I use often because, you know, it's easier to land on flat stuff than it is sloped. And too much slope on a helicopter landing means that you're going to do what's called a dynamic rollover, which isn't awesome. And you can go to Google, Google or YouTube and watch some people doing that. I don't think it's often survivable. I digress. Those are the ways that I use this tool. Notice I didn't say anything about hunting, even though this is designed around hunting and has all of those things. Spartan Forge AI. Improve your situational awareness in life. Let's get into Q and A today. Okay, got the red smoke gun. Runs north and south. West of the smoke, west of the smoke. Okay, copy. West of the smoke. I'm looking at danger. Closer now. Come on with it, baby. Give it to me. I mean, it cleared hot. Campaign cleared hot. All right, as usual. All right, as usual. Three questions. We're getting close to Christmas. Everybody wants to get into their weekend. I will do my best to keep this as short as possible, but hopefully helpful. Question 1. I'm not sure if this is the right platform to reach you, but I thought I'd reach out nonetheless. It appears you have found the rap platform, because here we are. We're communicating kind of. I'm an internal guy that has recently taken quite a big decision. Life moving from South Africa to America, Specifically Florida for the time being. Hard, full stop right here. I apologize for everything that you're going to experience in Florida. The craziest you see on the Internet, people riding motorcycles in a T, not a T shirt, a pair of board shorts, maybe flip flops, maybe barefoot, no helmet, wrestling alligators. Some of the most incredibly redneck I've ever seen in my life. Florida, man, is a real thing. 98.45 scientifically proven percent chance that it occurred in Florida. Please, please visit some other states. We're not all like Floridians, which obviously I'm joking. I love people in Florida, but Florida's fucking wild. Travel a bit. I've Got a few friends who have recently made the same move and have made new friends, both South African and American. Through my accommodation, work and a local CrossFit gym. I recently noticed that the culture of people I'm surrounded by is not one that I'm really proud of. They tend to go out drinking most days, knock me for taking my fitness and health seriously, and put me down for doing things I believe to be better in myself. Eating in versus eating out, reading my hobbies, etc. I've always been proud to say that I put others, especially my friends, first and myself second. However, I have noticed that I am loyal to a fault, to the people I call my friends. And I feel like they are certain boundaries I feel I need to be implementing instead of just being blindly loyal. But I can't come to put them up. I feel like I've rambled quite a bit. So I guess I'll now ask my question. How do you decide when to put others first or put yourself first? Damn, this cough is lingering. Putting myself first seems selfish and narcissistic as well as scares me. To risk losing the people around me while putting the needs of the people around me first makes me feel like I'm risking being pulled into a spiral. Bad habits that I'm not proud of. Any advice would go a long way and I would appreciate it more than you know who this is. I mean, it seems like a simple question, but it's actually a little bit of a deeper one if you are. If you're willing to let people walk all over you like a doormat. They are always going to. And there is a difference between putting yourself first and being selfish and narcissistic. Narcissistic is God. If you've never encountered a narcissist, it is a horrible and excruciating situation. I had my first real experience with a covert narcissist in January of this year. Didn't realize that that person was. And holy shit, it was upsetting in my life. I mean from personally, professionally, emotionally, all of it. It fucked me up. So that's not putting yourself first, that's encountering somebody who they're not sociopathic or psychopathic, but they have a fucking problem. And if you encounter a narcissist, my best advice, first off, hopefully you can recognize it early and use with caution, keep those fuckers at arm distance. Now, being selfish and putting yourself first, could they be considered the same thing? Do they have essences of the same thing? It's. I mean, you're. You're Prioritizing yourself, but the things that you're talking about, you're not, like, guarding your time and only doing the things that you want to do. You're prioritizing the things that you think are making yourself better, that are putting you on a path for betterment later in life. I don't think that's being selfish selfish. That is just putting yourself first. And what I can tell you is if you continue to do that and focus on yourself and also friends at 19 years old that go out drinking most days, not taking their health and fitness seriously, not saying that this is okay, but that's kind of the traditional path for somebody at that age. You're gonna party a little bit more in your earlier ages because a hangover's not gonna kick you on your ass for 72 hours. You have a different view of life. You have a different view of time. You have a different view of your goals. You have less life experience, a smaller lens of experience and context that you're viewing the world through. And all of that is okay. So your friends aren't doing anything abnormal. But let me say this, I wish I had taken your approach a little bit more than the approach that I did when I was your age. Yes, I was very driven and focused, and I wanted to do my job and I got into that community. But damn, we drank hard, we partied hard. Could I be farther in life, in other aspects of my life, had I not done those things? I absolutely could have. And I don't regret the experiences and the decisions that I make or any of those things. But I could have been farther down the road in some metrics, in my life. And it's a choice, I think, what you're doing and the fact that you're able to recognize what you're doing and being able to articulate it the way that you are at 19 years old? I think it's awesome. Most people, you can't do that. Stay the course would be my advice. You're not being selfish. You're setting yourself up for success. You are. And I. This is not my phrase. I'm sure many people have heard this. You're the sum total of the people you surround yourself with. If you surround yourself by dirtbags, probably not a fair term. If you surround yourself by people who are off in life, that's going to be the draw. They're going to be drawing you in to try to have you fuck off in life with them, because they're not trying to ruin your life. They're just living their life. They're at a different phase in their life, and they will get to a place, I bet you, where they focus more on eating in and out or reading and hobbies and all those things. They're just not there yet. You're a little bit ahead of your peers. If you find yourself on a ladder and you're always pulling people up at your peer group that you are in, and you constantly are either taking a step down the rung and trying to pull them up, as opposed to being in a peer group where you are doing the best that you can to keep up with your peers, and you're like, fuck, man, I need to do more or work harder or climb this ladder faster to achieve where they are. And from some time to time, they're reaching down to help you. If you're always the one reaching down, I think you might be on the wrong ladder. If you're on that second ladder, the one who is constantly aiming to do better, then I think you're on the right ladder and the right approach. I also think that most people start on the first ladder and end up on the second one. It's just a matter of time. And when you have that realization, like, shit, probably need to change the trajectory in the course of my life, I think it's awesome that you've changed those things or identified those things. Friends. It's an interesting term. Friends and family. You know it. Sometimes people use them and they commingle those terms. Friends are, you know, a social group. Family are those that would stand in the rain with you even when they have a chance to be dry. When you're on your worst days, they're there for you. They could get out of the rain, but they don't. And they actually might give you their jacket or umbrella. Those are your friends, and oftentimes those are your family. Sometimes they're combined. People can define them however you want to. In my life, at this point in my life, I am reducing the number of people in my social circle because. And I'm not looking for reasons to be very clear. I'm not looking. I'm not trying to isolate myself. I'm not trying to be a hermit. I'm not trying to live in a cave. I pay attention to people when they show me who they are. And if they show me who they are and it's not what I want to be around, I move on. I don't make a grand affair of it. I don't yell at people. I don't really do anything other than distance myself. And that's because I've arrived at a place in my life where I find that subtraction is more valuable and powerful than addition. And I'm doing that personally and professionally. And again, I'm not trying to advise people to not have friends. I am advising people to define for themselves what you're looking for in a friend. What does it actually mean to be a friend? Are they elevating your life or are you spending most of your time trying to elevate theirs? And of course, in a friendship there should be a balance of both of those things. It's a give and take, right? It can't just be one way. And your friends are going to need help from time to time. And everything that I've said, you know, don't forget to turn the mirror back on yourself. I'm aware that there are other people out there who are looking to reduce the size of their social circle as well, that they find subtraction to be more powerful than additional. And by reminding myself of that, it reminds me not to be a piece of shit, be the person that I'm looking for in a friend from somebody else as well. It's like, how can I expect a certain behavior from somebody and I'm not willing to exhibit it myself? It's very possible to do that. That would be being selfish. That would be probably more along the lines of being a narcissist. And like, I already opened with, don't be either of those people. And I don't think that you are. I think that you're on a great path. I think your path would be better if you got out of Florida and, you know, maybe got to see some of the other states, you know, maybe not Alabama or, you know, any, because that's like really close to Florida in many ways. Geography, topography. I'll just leave it there because I'm joking and I don't want to piss off people in Alabama. It's actually a great state. Don't deviate from the path that you are on. Stay the course. If your friends can't accept that, find new fucking friends. Find the friends that elevate you, not the ones that are anchor trying to pull you down. Second question, Andy. I have to say, I'm a newer listener to your show and I am insanely glad that I found it. Your introspective and grounding view of things mixed with graveyard humor is awesome. It gets me through my week, which is awesome. Listen to your dynamic with your father on the post election episode and knowing you have sons of your own that are now at the becoming an adult stage. I wanted to see if I could pick your brain for advice. I have a three year old son and I'm trying to find the balance of letting him be a kid and explore his freedom, toughen him up for life, and also start to inset some discipline for the future such as manners, work ethic, et cetera. I could go down a huge rabbit hole of how fucked some of these kids around him are going to be, but all I can do is try to keep his head on straight and build in the morals and ethics to avoid getting sucked into the noise that I'm sure will be a hundred times worse when he's getting ready to be an adult. So the question Looking at your own upbringing and efforts in raising your kids, do you have any nuggets of wisdom you can share for us on the front end of this crazy kid raising adventure? I respect the outlook you share on life and I think it'd help a lot of people to hear your thoughts on how to raise some above average or even exceptional humans. I appreciate the question and I'll be totally honest with you. I feel like a failure as a parent most days. I. I have done the best. I was about to say I've done the best that I can have I done the best that I can. I have tried very hard to set a good example for my children and I have failed many times. I have fallen short of being the man and father that I wanted to be for them, both in behavior and action. I've lost my cool around them. I have said things around them that I shouldn't have said. I have modeled behavior around them that I wish that I could have changed. And I mean, I'm telling you here right now, and I think every, every parent can probably attach themselves to this to some degree shape or form. Your kids are going to let you down at some point in time. Not because they are trying to, not because they aren't amazing people. It's because they're human and we all fall short of our expectations at some point in time. Your son is three. The things that you're talking about, you know, the discipline and at three you're a sponge that can barely move around and maybe still shits in your pants from time to time. There is a point in time to let kids just be kids. I worry deeply about people who have their children at an incredibly young age. Their entire life is defined around discipline and five and six year olds are waking up at four or five in the Morning. And I understand what the parents are trying to do, but there's also a chance that you're going to burn your kid out before they ever even have a chance to be a kid or explore and make mistakes. And that will manifest itself at some point in time later in life. I am not saying let your kid get away with anything and everything at a young age, but I am saying make sure at a baseline level before I say anything else, give your kids some time and grace to be a kid. I think the best thing that you can do, because as I mentioned, your kids are a sponge and they will be for their entire life. Model the behavior that you want to see from your son as they get older, because at this stage in their life, you are the most influential. You and their mother are the most influential people that they know because they don't know many people and they spend almost all of their time with you. That is your opportunity to teach them about healthy relationships, about communication, about as a man, being okay, talking about your feelings, being willing and able to acknowledge and accept your shortcomings and your mistakes, the manners that you talked about, the discipline that you talked about, the way that you treat other people, the language that you use. You are now and will be for years their greatest teacher. So focus on that. And you know, I remember being young, as I'm sure you do and everybody does. You think you're the smartest thing in the world. You think you're getting away with everything. You think your parents don't notice anything. And now being in the reverse where I have a 21 year old, a 19 year old and a 16 year old, they don't get away with much. And I don't think I did either when I was younger. I'm obviously accelerating well past being 3 years old. My parents let me make mistakes inside of the best they could. Boundaries of things that were probably not a risk to life, limit eyesight. There will be a point in time, probably around high school age, well, that risk to life, limit eyesight is going to increase drastically. Drug, sex and alcohol are going to be a real thing. How you approach that is, you know, my theory with that is open and honest communication, an emphasis on honesty. This is something that I have harped with my kids at all times. A willingness for them to be able to call me at any point in time. And I will be there regardless of what the situation is. And we can discuss the situation later talking about that with the, with my children, not later in this episode discussing those situations. Communication, education, not hiding things from them because I know the world is going to present them with those things. I would rather be their lighthouse when it comes to those issues than the fucking Internet or their friends again. So that's a little bit later on in life. But you will have, as your children grow, the opportunity to try to shield them from everything or the opportunity to allow them to literally and metaphorically fall flat on their face again, of course, inside of boundaries, protecting life, limb, eyesight, those type of things, and letting them learn from those mistakes. The best gift my parents gave me was the ladder, the ability to fall on my face. But hold me accountable for my mistakes and allow me to learn from them and have those life lessons through experience as opposed to being dogmatic and demanding that, but never having the chance to make those mistakes or understand why they're important. Now, having said that, I didn't really understand at the time why they were important. I did to a degree, orders of magnitude, indifference. Now that I am older and understanding the difference in those lessons and the value of those lessons. And I have seen every single, single one of those opportunities, Everything I thought I was getting away with when I was younger, I have seen it in my own kids and their behavior. The choice is, do you allow it to happen or do you stop it? And I'm just going to say that as a choice parents need to make on their own. And my feeling, like I've already said, is the greatest gift my parents gave me was the ability to make mistakes and to be there to help pick me up from them. Not to pick me up from them, but to help me pick myself up or help me get back on my feet with assistance if needed, so I could learn on my own. Let your kid be a kid for a little bit. The, the kids that are the little shits that they're around, the behavior that they're, that you're worrying about in his social circle. Let's again, grander, let's smash the optic back here a little bit. They're three. They're gonna do dumb shit, they're gonna say dumb stuff, they're gonna have bad behavior. Some are gonna be aggressive, some are gonna be bullies, some you're absolutely going to despise. They are figuring out who they're going to be as humans, and it's not going to be good at the age of 3, 4, 5, 6. It may not be good all the way into their early 20s, but most people figure it out. And it's also important for your son or other people's children to Figure out how to deal with those people. Because you're going to be surrounded by assholes in your life and you're going to be surrounded by people that don't say the things that you want them to say, or they say things that you find to be offensive or you just, just don't like how they present themselves. Learn how to deal with it and learn how to deal with it as often as possible. I'm not saying that let them as people become the number one influence in your kids lives because that should be the role of your parents. But what you're seeing from the kids and the behavior that you're seeing, it's going to be okay. It doesn't because you're seeing it at the age of three. Call it three to five or even beyond that clarity. I'm not an expert in child development here. It doesn't mean that that's concrete and that's what they're going to be like for the rest of their life. So hopefully that made sense. That's the biggest nugget of wisdom that I have or the biggest gift that I got from my parents. And let me tell you, maybe I'll end with this. It's fucking scary to watch your kids barreling towards a mistake, having made it yourself earlier in life, knowing that you could stop it, but realizing you need to let them experience it on their own. It'll keep you up at night. I didn't have gray hair until I had children, which I actually don't know if that's true. I think I did have a little bit of gray hair. I didn't have as much gray hair until I had my kids. And for those of you who think that the problems are complicated when your children are three to five or earlier in life, let me say this. You're not going to have any fewer problems as they get older. They're just going to be more complex and potentially more catastrophic. And that's where it comes to watching something happening. You know that they're going to make a mistake. It is so blatantly clear to you as an adult because you've walked these breadcrumbs towards that mistake. And what are you going to do? That's the question. My parents let me trip and fall and I'm thankful for it. That choice is up to you as parents, but it's not easy either way and I'm right there with you in the trenches. Last question for today. You answered my first question regarding my issues with faith versus politics within my family. For one of your previous Fallout Fridays and helped me out tremendously. So thank you for that. I'm facing another conundrum and given our shared hatred for bullies, I figured you'd be able to help. Apologies in advance for what might be a lengthy email, but this has been on my mind for a while and I'm not sure what the best first step would be. I'm currently serving in the military in California and as I mentioned above, share your hatred for bullies and those who prey on the weak just because they can. I have been trying to figure out how to develop the skills and tools that will allow me to protect myself and my family if and when I ever have to do so. My unit will be sending me to take the PC Papa Charlie if you will 832 course in January which teaches the standard to be a peace officer, use of force tactics, wrist locks, and basically how to take someone down and then put them in handcuffs. I am more than stoked to go through this course and develop baseline of skills to defend myself and those that I love and I care about. I'm going to stop right there. I am not so sure that the PC832 course is what you just described, a baseline level of skills to defend yourself and those that you love and care about. It sounds like it's a course and I'm going to use your words that you put in parentheses designed to teach use of force tactics, wrist locks, and basically how to take somebody down and put them in handcuffs. Those might be. I'm not going to say that those aren't tools, but I don't put those in the category of being able to defend yourself and those that you love and care about. I'm not an expert in this course. I've never been to this course. I actually had to look it up and learn a little bit more about it. You are going to learn, in my opinion, which counts for absolutely fucking nothing. You're going to learn some things that I think are useful and you're going to learn some things that are pretty much dog shit. Do not put my opinion, which again counts for nothing, do not put wrist locks in the category of self defense. Do they hurt? Yes. Are they actually going to stop somebody who is intent upon harming you or your family? No. Do they work in jiu jitsu? Can you get people to tap? Yes. Is it an asshole move? Should you do it to your best friends and enemies? Fuck yes you should. But don't confuse it with self defense. All right. Time and place for everything. I digress. Where we at. You have mentioned many times that you train regularly in Jiu Jitsu and how useful it is. I thought on multiple occasions it would be worth giving it a shot, but have never had. I've never set foot in a Jiu Jitsu gym and honestly don't know where to begin. Well, I hope I have never put in a position where I have to put hands on someone so that they do not harm myself or my loved ones. I want to be capable because I recognize and understand that there are those kind of people out there and they just don't give a and to use your word, don't have a moral compass. What would you suggest I do to train myself beyond what I will learn in the PC832 course in January? Great. Thank you for taking the time to read this and any advice you can offer is much appreciated. Keep kicking ass with Cleared Hot okay Self defense. I'm a broken record on this one because I'm always going to say the same thing. To me it's about ranges. There's far distance, striking distance, and then somebody who grabs a hold of you far distance. We're talking gun range. You live in California. Go down that path if you want to explore the complexities and legalities in California. There are very specific rules on guns in California. If I were to take the guns that I own in Montana to California and were to get rolled up, I'd go fucking straight to jail. Whether it be magazine capacity, barrel length, suppressors, all of these things. Point in saying all that is do your research if you want to go down the firearm road. But again, it's part of that distance. You need to be current, capable and competent on that particular tool if you're going to use that striking range. Kicking and punching, a Muay Thai, a boxing, those type of things. Jiu Jitsu is great, and I've said this many times, it's not a complete solution to every problem. Nothing is. Having great Jiu Jitsu is amazing unless you get knocked out on the way in to try to take somebody down and put your hands on them. So you should probably know how to strike. I'm not going to tell people how they should strike or what they should do, but focus on something. I would say the first two that come to mind are like a Muay Thai, which involves kicks and boxing. Know how to throw a punch, know where to keep your hands. If you're actually going to get into a ballistic fighting environment, spoiler alert. It's not ripping your shirt off and keeping your hands down low and I'll let coaches take care of the rest of that from there. But like I said it, you know, then there is the range where somebody grabs ahold of you. The number one thing, if you've ever been in a bar and you've ever seen a bar fight, the number one thing you're most often going to see in a bar fight or a streetlight fight is a headlock. They're wildly ineffective, they're super easy to get out of. And then reverse the person and dump them on their fucking head if you want to, or gently control them to the ground and choke them unconscious, depending on the type of gentleman that you may be. Unless you've never trained for a single moment doing those things. And just like striking is a great thing if you can't defend yourself, if somebody has, they're lucky or they time you better, or you're slow or a little intoxicated and they get their hands on you and your strikes and kicks are no longer effective, but that's what you specialize in. Well, how's that going to work out for you when somebody's holding onto your back, choking you unconscious? It's not going to. So I would focus on ranges. Develop a level of capacity in those ranges. Starting with Jiu Jitsu isn't hard. Do some research on a school in your area. Talk to people that you know. I bet you're going to know somebody that's going to train and have them take you to an intro class. Have them take you to the school that they train at, and they can be your training partner for the day. That's how I was exposed to Jiu Jitsu. That's how I would recommend people start their introduction to that. There's a variety of ways that you can just literally go onto the Internet, call a school, ask when their intro class is, and you can go to a couple and see if you like the look and feel and the vibe of the school. Beyond all that, the tool that you are likely going to be using the most is your mouth, your voice, your brain. The most lethal tool you have as a human being is your brain. All the other things I've talked about, they are actual literal skills or tools that are all driven by your ability to uptake, process, deliver information and take action in those moments. The number one tool that I would recommend people work on, in addition to the physical aspects, is your ability to de. Escalate, learn how to talk to people, especially for police officers. The best cops that I know have the ability to just Completely and utterly de escalate almost every situation just by the way they present themselves, just by the way that they talk. They're not trying to get violent. They're not trying to engage in the situation more further or deeper. They are the cop that I would want to have pull my kids over when they're shit faced having a shitty day. Because even if my kid is being an asshole, they're not. They just take it in a different direction. And I've seen it time and time again, even when I've done ride alongs with a couple people. You take people who are out of control and you can bring them right back into control who are escalating. And you can de escalate or at least deflect and work with those people to a place where it doesn't make it worse for them, where their shitty night doesn't become catastrophic and become the worst night of their life. So the physical tools are great. I would focus on de escalation. Maintaining your emotional control, conflict, conversation, realizing you don't have to emotionally engage in it. Situational awareness is another one that I would put on top of this. The likelihood of you ever having to put your hands on somebody, incredibly low. Your likelihood of ever having to shoot somebody or being in a ballistic environment like that with firearms, even lower. Your likelihood of encountering assholes in your life and people who are having a bad day who may want to be violent, much higher. Be able to recognize them from a distance. Avoid right. What's the best way to not be in a violent situation with you and your family? Avoid it. Think about where you're going to go, who you're going to be with, the neighborhood, the time, the environment, all of those things. Those are things that you can actually really control. You get into that environment, pay attention to what's going on. If you see something escalating and building, fucking leave. Use that range to your advantage, increase the range and get out of there. Take care of your family first. If you're the type of person you see things getting out of control and you want to go help or maybe de escalate or whatever it may be, those are personal choices. Don't do that unless you have the training and requisite skill to help. Otherwise you might become a liability. But that situational awareness and your ability to de escalate to me, are equally as valuable, if not more valuable than some of those other tools because it can keep you from needing to use those other tools. And having said that, you need to train in those things. If you want to be a capable man, you need to be capable of violence. Because if you're not capable of violence, you're requiring or relying on the benevolence of others so you don't become victimized yourself. And that is all I have for this Friday.
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