Whitney Cummings | Club Random

Summary

Club Random with Bill Maher: Whitney Cummings Episode Summary

Release Date: July 7, 2025

In this engaging episode of Club Random with Bill Maher, host Bill Maher sits down with comedian and writer Whitney Cummings for an hour-long, candid conversation. Departing from the usual political discourse, Maher and Cummings delve into a variety of topics ranging from the rise of artificial intelligence and its societal impacts to personal anecdotes about relationships and the evolving landscape of comedy.

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1. Separating the Artist from the Art

Whitney Cummings initiates the discussion by addressing the concept of separating an artist's work from their personal actions—a topic that resonates deeply in today's cultural climate.

• Whitney (20:35): "I'm so pro separating the artist, it's ridiculous. I didn't hurt anyone. I didn't kill anyone."

• Bill (20:54): "I always said the music, that's it."

Cummings emphasizes her stance on disassociating an artist's personal misconduct from their creative output, citing Bill Cosby as a prime example where such separation becomes untenable due to grave actions. They explore the complexities comedians face when navigating their personal lives versus their public personas.

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2. Conspiracy Theories and Media Integrity

The conversation shifts to the prevalence of conspiracy theories and the role of media in perpetuating misinformation. Cummings shares her experience discussing humorous yet provocative conspiracy topics during a live CNN appearance.

• Whitney (15:55): "I think a lot of people aren't, and I'm very comfortable with many truths."

• Bill (16:10): "Why would they be killing the chefs?"

They debate the integrity of media outlets, highlighting how sensationalism often trumps factual reporting. The duo touches upon the debunking of Area 51 as a government misinformation campaign, pondering the existence of extraterrestrial life and its portrayal in media.

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3. The Rise of Artificial Intelligence and Robots

A significant portion of the episode delves into the rapid advancements in artificial intelligence and robotics, examining both the promise and peril they present to society.

• Bill (30:04): "I think it's scary to them, but I think people more underprivileged people... What if you can just go to Rite Aid and get a cancer screening one day because of AI?"

• Whitney (31:32): "They just created an asshole that's like us, but smarter."

Cummings expresses concern over AI lacking human intuition and empathy, fearing that as machines become more integrated into daily life, they may exacerbate existing societal issues. They discuss the potential for AI to both assist in critical fields like medicine and pose threats through job displacement and ethical dilemmas.

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4. The Evolving Landscape of Comedy

As seasoned comedians, Maher and Cummings offer insights into how the comedy industry has transformed in the age of social media and cancel culture.

• Whitney (27:25): "But here's the thing... when you just say the truth, you sound insane."

• Bill (49:58): "Shane Gillis... everyone that's gotten, quote, canceled, it was the best publicity of their life."

They debate the impact of online platforms on comedic expression, highlighting how the fear of backlash can both stifle creativity and inadvertently catapult comedians into fame. The importance of live performances versus digital content is underscored, advocating for authentic, in-person interactions to preserve the essence of comedy.

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5. Personal Relationships and Parenting

Cummings opens up about her personal life, discussing the challenges of co-parenting and maintaining healthy relationships amidst the chaos of modern life.

• Whitney (95:02): "I didn't want to bring a child in... I live in LA, so there's no fathers or husbands here."

• Bill (109:37): "I have to imagine... when you're young, you put up with anything."

They explore how past experiences, such as growing up in unstable environments, shape one's approach to relationships and parenting. The conversation touches on balancing personal needs with being a supportive partner and parent, emphasizing the importance of setting boundaries and seeking mutual respect.

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6. Consumerism, Technology, and Environmental Impact

The duo critiques the unsustainable nature of modern consumerism, particularly the environmental toll of e-commerce giants like Amazon.

• Bill (82:37): "The energy it takes to drive and crate things and then uncrate them and send them back... the biggest environmental problem."

• Whitney (82:53): "We're busier than ever... addicted to busy."

They highlight how the convenience of online shopping masks significant environmental costs, such as carbon emissions from transportation and excessive waste from packaging. The conversation extends to the broader societal implications of technological advancements, questioning whether increased convenience leads to greater productivity or merely fosters a culture of perpetual busyness and distraction.

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7. Loneliness, AI Companionship, and Mental Health

Addressing the loneliness epidemic, Maher and Cummings discuss the potential for AI companionship to alleviate human isolation, while also cautioning against over-reliance on machines for emotional support.

• Whitney (112:06): "People will thank God Neuralink didn't exist... have a robot in there."

• Bill (113:12): "I'm saying that about you."

They ponder the ethical considerations of integrating AI into intimate aspects of human life, such as relationships and caregiving. While acknowledging the benefits of AI in providing companionship and assistance, they also express concerns about the loss of genuine human connections and the psychological ramifications of replacing meaningful interactions with artificial substitutes.

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8. The Future of Work and AI's Role

The discussion culminates with reflections on the future of employment in an AI-driven world, contemplating the balance between technological progress and job preservation.

• Bill (79:16): "We're going to have a year maybe. Okay, maybe."

• Whitney (80:28): "If there's no jobs, why are you replacing them with robots?"

They debate the inevitability of AI replacing both blue-collar and white-collar jobs, questioning whether societal structures will adapt to these changes. The potential for AI to enhance productivity and create new opportunities is weighed against the risk of widespread unemployment and economic disparity.

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9. Closing Thoughts and Reflections

As the episode draws to a close, Maher and Cummings reflect on personal growth, the importance of authenticity, and maintaining integrity in both personal and professional spheres.

• Whitney (100:37): "Relationships take work... knowing it's a joke to go out of your way on purpose."

• Bill (115:27): "My thing is... when people are like, the Alexa... I was trying to help."

They emphasize the need for genuine connections and the value of humor in navigating life's complexities. The conversation underscores their mutual respect and understanding of each other's perspectives, concluding on a note of camaraderie and shared commitment to insightful dialogue.

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Notable Quotes

• Whitney Cummings (20:35): "I'm so pro separating the artist, it's ridiculous. I didn't hurt anyone. I didn't kill anyone."

• Bill Maher (30:04): "I think it's scary to them, but I think people more underprivileged people... What if you can just go to Rite Aid and get a cancer screening one day because of AI?"

• Whitney Cummings (49:58): "Shane Gillis... everyone that's gotten, quote, canceled, it was the best publicity of their life."

• Bill Maher (82:37): "The energy it takes to drive and crate things and then uncrate them and send them back... the biggest environmental problem."

• Whitney Cummings (112:06): "People will thank God Neuralink didn't exist... have a robot in there."

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This episode of Club Random with Bill Maher offers a multifaceted exploration of contemporary issues through the lens of comedy and personal experience. Maher and Cummings provide thought-provoking insights while maintaining their signature humor, making for a compelling listen that challenges conventional narratives and encourages listeners to ponder the intricate balance between technology, society, and individual agency.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Hablas espanol?

[A]

Spries du dzoits.

[B]

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[A]

I know they use it on cadavers.

[B]

I've been dead for 12 years. What is happening with the dropper?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

What is this? I'm obsessed with rich people. Just like tinctures. Rich. What is this?

[A]

Whoa. Who's that?

[B]

What's it tolerate? Silence.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

How terrible.

[B]

Oh, my goodness. Do I just. Come right in?

[A]

Come right in.

[B]

Hi, how are you? Good to see you. What are we doing? I don't know what we're doing. Oh, thank you, thank you.

[A]

I'm welcoming you. That's fucking creepy. That thing when I walked in. I mean, there's something about a human figure with a. With any shroud over there. Full head or shit.

[B]

So last time I was on your show, you did say you were scared of robots. You asked how my robot was doing.

[A]

Sweetheart, you did a special that was all about robots.

[B]

I did.

[A]

I have become fairly Obsessed. Yes. I think I want to call the clarion tones to the population that you are just whistling past the graveyard on this one. So knowing that you done this special and this is a subject of yours, I wanted to have you on real time. Anyway, I was like, yeah, perfect person to talk about it. And of course, you had a lot of funny things to say about it. But I'm glad you're here because obviously here we. We had 10 minutes there. I mean, we could go on all day about it, and we don't have to just, you know, vomit humor like the two of us are inclined to do.

[B]

Trying to get my dead dad's approval in ten minutes. Well, I just figured it might help for you to see that we don't have that much to worry about in terms of the robots taking over.

[A]

I disagree. Wow. Is that the one of you?

[B]

That's me.

[A]

That's the one from the special that you like. If I was. If you were me, this would go in this room. Because this room is like four shit like that. You see that thing over there? That's a full dolphin costume that I did wore once on. No. Did I wear it? I don't remember. Ellie and Gonzalez.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So, yes.

[A]

Oh, Rob Schneider played Ellie and Gonzalez, and I was the dolphin. He swam to Florida.

[B]

No. Brian Gonzalez, the most traumatized child star. The Shirley Temple of our day of Cuba. He was in the closet. Is he gay now?

[A]

Remember, he was.

[B]

Remember, they found him in the closet and that's when they took him?

[A]

Oh, yeah. Yeah, they took him. But we keep our costumes and we should. We keep our props.

[B]

I just figured, fantastic.

[A]

And I'm glad he's wearing a room. What better home?

[B]

What better person to adopt a sex robot than Bill Maher's club, Random Studio? I have been trying to figure out what to do. I was told I needed to childproof my home. I didn't cover the corners or anything. I just took away the things that are mentally traumatizing.

[A]

And you're leaving it here?

[B]

This is a gift to you.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

That I am bequeathing her to you.

[A]

Oh, my. No. That's an amazing gift. I mean, I've gotten some amazing gifts, but that is. I'm lucky. That is right up there with them. Seth MacFarlane gave me a drawing, his original quagmire that he did in high school.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Yeah, I got some. I mean, how much do you get.

[B]

For it on ebay? Just tell us.

[A]

I thought that too, but that is right up there with the greatest gifts. I'VE ever had from celebrities, too. That's amazing.

[B]

Also, it's getting a little bit alarming because I have a son. He's a year and a half now, and he's seen her. Of course, great distress resulted, but I had to explain, like, this is a robot. This isn't mommy. Look at her eyes. There's nothing going on. And. And sometimes he'll look at me and go, robot. And I'm like, no, that's mommy.

[A]

It is. I mean, it is. I mean, you put a wig on that thing, you could really fuck that thing.

[B]

You could do that. You could also do that, Bill. You could also do that.

[A]

I've never thought of it, but I've never been in the room with one.

[B]

What's. Why not? Why not? I mean, men in Japan are wearing pillows. They've been doing it for years.

[A]

And they're wearing their phones.

[B]

Why not?

[A]

But, you know.

[B]

Do you want to switch seats?

[A]

My memory, when you say sex dolls, like, my memory of. Is like, you know, the.

[B]

Yes. The inflatable rafts.

[A]

It's like a pillow with the home. You know, the original 1.0 sex dolls.

[B]

Like, made by Firestone.

[A]

This is like a Macy's Day float, Like, with a hole. You can stick your.

[B]

Which then turns you on. You are a necrophiliac. It is just like a rigor mortis corpse. But look, it's interesting because people are like, what is a sex robot? I'm like, well, I don't. To me, it's a mannequin, but to a man, it's a sex doll.

[A]

I appreciate that so much. And that will go a place of pride here. I might put it on that bench there. I think that'd be very sexual.

[B]

I was trying to figure out a way to rig her to the stripper pole, but she's very heavy. I know. We should figure it out. We gotta get Adam Kroll over here to, like, bring out his tool Time stripper pole, please.

[A]

I'm a volunteer fireman. That's. That. That's because. And I go up. That's interesting. About my five pole. You have to climb up. That's. It's a little different. But I get up there, and then I go fight fires.

[B]

But here, do you want to see, like, the extent to which she is built custom? She can. She can talk. She can.

[A]

I don't care about that.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

If I wanted to talk, I'd get a real woman.

[B]

This is why I think that this might just be the next star.

[A]

I wonder how you're taking your Head off.

[B]

Well, now. Well, I thought you might want to see sort of the back of.

[A]

I saw it on the special. I mean, you know, it's exactly what I would think. A bunch of fucking wires. What am I gonna be like?

[B]

Oh, I don't. Well, it's just something kind of odd happens when you.

[A]

Well, let's not take the sexiness away from it. Now you're taking. Now. Now I'm not gonna be able to fuck it at all because you're taking all the romance out of it. I don't wanna see the back of her head.

[B]

Okay. God. You don't wanna see her. Her brain. That's how smart she is. Okay, okay.

[A]

Okay. Put back on.

[B]

Well, putting it back on is kind of a whole thing. So when you do have sex with her, be gentle.

[A]

Then just put it in her crotch.

[B]

Because you don't wanna have sex with her. And then her.

[A]

There you go. There you go.

[B]

Hold on, hold on. Her teeth are even molded to mine as well.

[A]

Really?

[B]

There we go. Did you touch her?

[A]

No.

[B]

Touch her?

[A]

No.

[B]

Just give her a little.

[A]

Give her a little sleep. All right, all right.

[B]

Give her a little. I'm gonna sell you on robots on this special.

[A]

Oh, you know what?

[B]

By the way, that's Bill's next stand up special. You know what? You know what?

[A]

It's.

[B]

Touch her boobs. Touch her boobs. Touch her boobs. Touch her boobs.

[A]

You know, I touch the part I would want to touch.

[B]

You know what's.

[A]

But. And that's, you know, oh, I can't talk about this. It'll just get me in trouble.

[B]

Oh, will it? But this is what's fascinating to me, because when you were saying you were worried about the robots, I was like, I'm not as worried about the robots as I am of us anthropomorphizing the robots and projecting onto them and developing emotional connections. You see how hard it is for you to touch her boobs even though she's just a mannequin?

[A]

Well, but that has a sexual element to it. That's creepy.

[B]

But it's like a chair. What's the difference? It's a chair. It's a TV set. It just has ice.

[A]

I don't fuck the chair.

[B]

Well, you.

[A]

I'm not J.D. vance. No, he didn't fuck the couch.

[B]

He didn't. Right.

[A]

But it's amazing the way they just, you know, the press on either side has absolutely no integrity. They hear something. If it suits them to like it because they hate the person, they just say it. They don't feel the need to check it.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

It's amazing.

[B]

But how else are they going to make money?

[A]

Yeah, because we're not.

[B]

I mean, we're. I got to be honest with you, I'm not going to read your headline unless it's about him fucking a couch. Like you do have to say that to get my attention. I feel like their business now is saying something crazy. They probably even know it's not true. And then they'll just issue a retraction later.

[A]

Oh, they don't even do that.

[B]

Yeah, maybe not even that. You know.

[A]

So you. Do you read a lot of clickbait?

[B]

I am. My problem with the news is I'm very passionate about staying up to date with the news as long as it's free. Like, do you ever hit one paywall and you're just like, nevermind. It'll be like, is Russia gonna invade America? I'm like, is it $2? Like I'm not gonna pay $2 for the 18 years of the Wall Street. Like I'll just kind of do a U turn if I have to get charged.

[A]

But I mean, is that why an article just sort starts to fade out? Cause I just give up?

[B]

Yeah, right.

[A]

Not because I'm afraid of paying the $2. I just don't add.

[B]

Like I don't wanna put in my information or a credit card.

[A]

I would fuck that up. A credit card. Fuck you.

[B]

Do you remember the aliens? When we found biologics of the aliens, but no one really knows what happened because no one wanted to actually pay to get behind the paywall. Like there's things that just. The drones in New Jersey, we kind of just forgot about that.

[A]

Wait a minute. What bioxip?

[B]

Do you remember when there was that guy who came forward that was at hearing and he was like, I have the bio. I saw the biologics. I saw.

[A]

Are you talking about Area 51 kind of stuff?

[B]

It was like one guy.

[A]

Cause they just debunked Area 51.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yes. This came out a couple weeks ago ago that it was. They. It was a government organized government misinformation campaign. So that doesn't mean there can't be aliens, right? There can be. They look. They don't look as good as that, I'll tell you.

[B]

Well, we don't know. I mean my thing about the aliens. I have many things about the aliens. Which is like. Which I know aliens. More of a guy thing. Like I don't really think about aliens that much. Don't you think guys are kind of More into.

[A]

Well, I think guys are more into science fiction. I am not. I mean, I can enjoy a science fiction. I like a space movie. I like space movies.

[B]

I just think aliens is like a danger. I don't think. I think men have to think about the aliens because if they do come, you're the ones that have to fight them.

[A]

Like, I think they may already be here. I don't think that's scientifically wrong. It's just. It's a possibility. And, you know, there are inexplainable. Now, UFOs now, that could be. China has something. But, I mean, these are not crazy. Used to be in the days when the sex dolls look like this, the UFOs were something that a farmer in the middle of bumfuck saw. And like, you know, I mean, lots of comics did bits about them. Richard Belzer had a classic. A little green man came out and he ate my wife. She didn't mind that too much. You know, they'll probe the ass. You all that stuff. Now it's Navy pilots, right? You know, it's not some farmer in the middle of nowhere. It's Navy pilots saying, you know, look at me, I'm a pretty square guy. I've never seen anything that moves like this. So, you know, don't tell me it's not a possibility or that I'm a nut or a conspiracy theorist about, you know, this and, you know, the idea that they're already here studying us in some way, it kind of makes sense.

[B]

Makes total sense. And also, if they're going to be this advanced, we forget, like, if something is that advanced and they were going to try to move and be hidden, wouldn't they just look like airplanes and things that are already in the sky? Wouldn't the UFO just look like a helicopter? If you're an alien? You know, it probably just looks like things that already exist. Right?

[A]

So you're saying some helicopters are alien?

[B]

No, I'm just saying if there were these, like, flying saucers, you know, I feel like they would probably figure out a way to just go like, oh, how can we be as inconspicuous as possible? And they would just make their, you know, UFOs look like. The same way if aliens are going to be on Earth, wouldn't they just look like humans? Wouldn't they be like, we should just look like humans?

[A]

It does seem like they're. And look, I don't know if they have something at Area 51. And just because that was misinformation, there isn't really like an alien corpse somewhere. Certainly the book Communion. Do you know that book?

[B]

No.

[A]

Oh, it was very widely read, maybe 20, 25 years ago. Whitley Strieber, I believe was the name of the author. He had an alien experience and gathered a lot of people who said the same thing and fairly independently, if you can trust this. I think it was. They all kind of had the same story.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Little four foot dude, something up my ass, you know, they didn't hurt them horribly, you know, not something I would recommend, but that sounded to me like it could be possible. And what you're saying adds to my theory that they are advanced, more advanced than us, but they're not quite as far ahead as we thought. They're ahead of us, but they're not like crazy perfect. You know what I mean? They leave a. Once in a while they leave a dead body, you know, that's so funny, you know, but really that could be the case.

[B]

Well, I love that you're open to talking about what are called conspiracy theories. Whatever. I did this thing on CNN on New Year's Eve where it was live and you know, you're a comedy.

[A]

Yes. Oh, sure. Oh, I saw. I know you got a lot of publicity for that.

[B]

I got.

[A]

You were clickbait.

[B]

Thank you. They're still. Got it. It's tricky because I said a couple things on there that I just thought would be a funny segment. I'm a comedian first and foremost. And I was like, oh, I'm live on CNN and I should do this bit. That's. Here's a bunch of stuff that I feel like CNN would never cover. If I was on Fox, I would do the same thing. Right. And so I said, you know, this is weird. This is weird. I think I was like, fluoride in the water. What's up with that? Just like a bunch of things that, you know are conspiracy theory adjacent. And then, you know, why were two of the White House chefs. Why are two of the White House chefs dead? One of them. They're not. Both Clinton Sheff. One worked for Clinton Ambush and then won Obama. And like, that's just true. But if you say it like you sound crazy, things have gotten so insane that when you just say the truth, you sound insane. Right.

[A]

Why would they be killing the chefs?

[B]

I don't. My thing is just because they hear the mole.

[A]

I don't know. I mean, I could see if it was like two national security advisors, but why go. Unless they like, you know, wanted them to poison the president maybe and they didn't.

[B]

Yeah, interesting.

[A]

You know, like you were supposed to. You know, we who control things. The. Whoever you believe is the boogeyman. George Soros with his puppet strings or the Trilateral Commission or the. You know, they always have some.

[B]

It's just this, like, young, healthy one, like, went on a hike alone. One went paddle boarding alone. As a comic, it's just funny to go, like. I very much define comedy as saying something that's not true, and then you try to prove it, you know, and it's just, like, a fun exercise to do, like a thought experiment. And. And when people are like, oh, when he's a conspiracy theorist and whatever. I am very comfortable with two things being true at once. I think a lot of people aren't, and I'm very comfortable with many truths. I think that we're seeing the divide in people that grew up and who, you know, had. I find that people that are the most open to conspiracy theories had something happen in their past where they were lied to in a big way. Like, when someone's like, I don't believe in conspiracy theories, I'm like, great, so your dad didn't have a secret family. Cool. Like, when you had a big bomb dropped on you as a kid, and.

[A]

You'Re like, oh, I would put Santa Claus in that category.

[B]

I am so anti Santa Claus. And I get so much negativity about it because we tell kids, don't talk to strangers, but a stranger comes into our home, you know, once a year.

[A]

Well, why set the child up this big giant? Or maybe that is actually a good thing because a kid does learn early. Wow. People are full of shit. And they will tell you whatever they want to tell you to get you to behave, because Santa Claus gets you to anything, and then they break your heart. So maybe that is a. Maybe that was why they invented things like that. That could be true, too.

[B]

Well, I think that that was also. Santa Claus was the first surveillance, right before surveillance.

[A]

Oh, yeah. He was watching you all the time.

[B]

It was like, he's watching you. Like a parent was freaking out and didn't know how to control their kid. And they're like, santa's watching you, and if you're not good, you're not good.

[A]

If Santa had a theme song, it would be every breath you take. Hey, little girl, is your daddy I'll be watching you. Which was always a creepy song. Always, right?

[B]

I mean, there's a lot of songs. You look back and you're like, ooh.

[A]

But that was. Right. But that. I mean, the 50s ones you forgive begins at the 50s, she was 12. You know, it was like, that's just who they were.

[B]

Or like the Christmas songs that are like, have another drink, don't go home yet.

[A]

Well, yeah, I know which one you're talking about. It's cold outside.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I mean, people have to agree. People have to get laid. Club Random is brought to you by the audio wizards at Radioactive Media. Recently ranked number 20 on Inc. Magazine's list of fastest growing companies in the Pacific region. Let's face it, summer's hot and your marketing strategy, not so much. Time to jump into the pool. Everyone's already swimming in podcasts. Podcasting is growing faster than the list of things you can't joke about. Thankfully, I'm still ignoring that list. And audio, it actually reaches more people than social media. Yeah, that's some news TikTok doesn't want you to hear. Here's the deal. Podcast ads work. They're personal, to say the least. Passionate. And get this, cheaper than throwing your money into another eminently smart skippable instagram ad. Text random to 511-511. That's 511-511. Radioactive knows how to scale performance by building compelling audio campaigns that work. You're listening to my voice right now. Imagine what my audience could do for your brand. Go to Radioactive Media.com or text random to 511-511. Get your brand in people's ears before someone else does. And yes, message and data rates may apply, because nothing good in life is, you know, truly free. This episode is brought to you by LifeLock. Between two factor authentication, strong passwords, and a VPN, you try to be in control of how your info is protected. But many other places also have it, and they might not be as careful. That's why LifeLock monitors hundreds of millions of data points a second for threats. If your identity is stolen, they'll fix it, guaranteed. Or your money back. Save up to 40% your first year. Visit lifelock.com podcast for 40% off. Terms apply.

[B]

Well, you actually maybe wanted to talk about the last time I was on your show and we didn't get to it because we were talking about robots and such. Is like how to separate the art and the artist if you can, which things you can and can't separate. And I am so pro separating the artist, it's ridiculous. I didn't hurt anyone. I didn't kill anyone.

[A]

I always said the music, that's it.

[B]

I didn't. And if I've already paid for it, I'm not giving Money, you know? And so, you know, the one I can't do is Cosby. And not for the reason you think.

[A]

I always never thought he was funny.

[B]

There's that. I loved his sitcom, though. I loved his sitcom.

[A]

Never Saw.

[B]

I always thought it was weird, though, that his job was a gynecologist who worked out of his basement.

[A]

Is that what it was?

[B]

Yes, in his home.

[A]

Oh, that's the best joke about Cosby. That is. That's a great opportunity.

[B]

No, it's true. He would walk up and take gloves off in the living room. And you're like, I'll see you. What's with that shirt? And you were like, wait, were those gloves just inside a woman? You're supposed to take them off, I think, right away, like, it was.

[A]

So you mean he'd throw them down on the dining room table? Yeah, he'd totally be like, ah, pass the beans.

[B]

Yeah, totally.

[A]

What is happening?

[B]

They'd be like, clay, take off your gloves.

[A]

No, that makes totally sense. With what I've been told on very good authority. I'm talking about promoters who worked with him as a comic. So I. And people I trust.

[B]

But I get obsessed with people that hide in plain sight. You're like, yeah, his job was, I think, obstetrician. They give women anesthesia in a basement. That means when he walked up the stairs, she was still passed out.

[A]

Right.

[B]

In his basement in the fiction. So I get obsessed and that. And to go back to the Area 51 thing, when you go, like, Area 51, I always thought there was something shady about it, because if that was really there, you would never know it was there. That has to be the decoy. Right? It's like people with the Denver Airport, they're like, there's bunkers in the Denver Airport, and there's all this paraphernalia. There's the big horse with the eyes, and there's all this stuff in the Denver airport.

[A]

Why? What do they think it is?

[B]

Bunkers underneath.

[A]

So for what?

[B]

For the Illuminati, the CIA, the FBI, whatever. But my point is, if they're pointing, it's here, that means it's somewhere else, right? Or it's right there because it's hiding in plain sight. And you go, oh, this must be somewhere else.

[A]

But Bill Cosby was hiding in plain sight in every way. He had so many people around him who knew what he was doing, because I'm telling you, I know people who worked with them. The level of crazy, the sexual element of it was just a piece of a much Bigger. Crazy. Much bigger. He went nuts for some reason a long time ago. And show business enabled it, as show business does. And so I'm not gonna repeat some of these stories. I don't know if the people would want them told. But just.

[B]

I'm telling you, Bill Cosby put me to sleep.

[A]

And so crazy that, like, people like that who are crazy and they do hide in plain sight because you can't believe they're doing it because they're nuts. They pull it off with such a plum because they're not afraid of being. You know, it's like, what? Yeah, of course you knock women out and have sex with them when they're. And of course you do this. And of course, you're a gynecologist who puts his gloves down on the dining room table. But you do it in such a way that you don't think it's weird because you're crazy.

[B]

Sure, sure.

[A]

And then everybody just goes along. And when you're a star, they let you do it.

[B]

Well. Cause also, if he was guilty, he wouldn't do this. Cause that'd be too obvious. That's what gets you. You know? And I think that also creeps like that they do something that's ostensibly either benevolent or sort of like impishly sweet and charming. Like, why were you the jello guy? You know, with kids, like, I'm silly and I'm dancing, like, you know.

[A]

Well. Cause they paid him. That's why. He didn't even do a thousand products.

[B]

I'm sure. But I don't know if he was doing, like, assholes.

[A]

He was America's.

[B]

When someone's too clean and too. When I guess he got mad at Eddie Murphy for not cursing.

[A]

I'm like, right.

[B]

I like someone who's openly bad. Shows us their flaws. Because if it's too perfect, I'm like, what are you hiding? What do you.

[A]

Let me ask you this, please. Somebody reminded me of this hysterical thing recently that happened about 10 years ago. You probably remember it. It's a prank. And I thought after we went. We're laughing hysterically at it. This is the dividing line to me in America, people who find this funny or people who are offended. And if you're offended by this and really don't laugh, I think you're a huge asshole.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

And they think. I'm sure people, when they hear it, they'll think, oh, no, you're the asshole. Do you remember this story about 10 years ago? There was a. I'm already laughing. There was a. I bet you've heard it.

[B]

I'm already laughing. That's dark.

[A]

There was a plane crash. Wait, it gets funny there.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It was an Asian airline. And if you remember the movie, anchorman, Anchorman Judd Apato's genius movie. Will Ferell, genius in the part. And the McGuffin was that, you know, he was this local newscaster and their twinks with blow dried hair and he would read whatever you put in the prompt. So that's why instead of saying one night to stay classy, San Diego, he goes, go fuck yourself, San Diego. And his life is ruined. Okay? So knowing that, somebody put in the prompter and the lady read it and she said that this Asian plane. We have the names of the pilots. And they wrote them out like Asian names. Do you remember this story? So she's reading it, she says, we have the names of the pilots. They are some ting wong.

[B]

Fuck.

[A]

We too low. Holy fuck. Bing bang. Ow.

[B]

And again, if you don't think that's funny, congratulations. You've never had hardship in your life. You've never needed humor to cope because you've had no problems.

[A]

It's just funny. It's just so ridiculously funny. And we're not making fun of.

[B]

It's obviously a joke and not.

[A]

It's not an insult to Asians. And you know, and it's not like the people on the plane, their relatives heard it and they're gonna. It's like.

[B]

It'S tricky because it's like, comedy isn't for everyone. I think people also have to. I think as comedians, we're like, wouldn't everyone want to laugh? Why would you want to go through life without laughing? Because we've been through trauma and hardship and we use comedy to cope. But there's some people who, comedy's not for you. Cause your life isn't hard, so you need to make things hard when they're not like to be. There's something going on where now people that have not had trauma are like jealous of the people who had because they're like getting more attention. They have to get in on it and be like, I'm offended.

[A]

It's like, it's a victim culture.

[B]

Totally. It's like, oh, cool. Like, I'm happy for you that you don't need anesthesia.

[A]

Of the people who are offended by this. Okay, that half who are again, I think you're huge assholes.

[B]

But here's the thing.

[A]

And you think I'm anesthesia.

[B]

You say it's not funny if you're not laughing. But to Say it's offensive is ridiculous.

[A]

Here's to break that down a little further. There are people who like in private, they laugh their ass off but then have to say publicly they are offended. Okay, you're assholes. But even worse than you are the people even in private who couldn't laugh, those are the real assholes. Then you have no sense of humor. You could at least do it in private. No one's gonna be hurt if you laugh at it in private. The families of the victims aren't going to hear it. No Asian people.

[B]

What are you hiding? That you need to show everyone how good of a person you are. What are you hiding? Don't. What are you hiding? Let me see your phone. Let me see your hard drive. I want to go through it. I'm calling the. If you cannot laugh at yourself or laugh at something that's edgy, knowing it's a joke to go out of your way on purpose, to intentionally misunderstand what a comedian is doing, what are you hiding? Why do you need to look so self righteous and like such a sanctimonious person?

[A]

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[A]

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[A]

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[B]

It was interesting when the. And I definitely will be in over my head if we talk about it too much, but the B2 bomber that went to Iran.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That was a human being. They're not ready for a robot to do that. You know, like, we don't totally trust them yet.

[A]

No, that was an American pilot who flew 17 hours.

[B]

I mean, why not a robot? Why not an AI? We're not ready. We're like. When the shit hits the fan, we.

[A]

Could be in a year maybe. Okay, maybe.

[B]

I think one thing that they really lack, that makes me feel calmer is they lack a gut instinct. A gut. You know, like they still cannot tell the difference between a husky and a wolf.

[A]

You talking about AI AI, AI and.

[B]

Robots, self driving cars. They can't tell the difference, which is like, you know, you could tell the difference if you really inspected it. They have longer legs and bigger paws or whatever, but there's just like a gut where you just.

[A]

And how long do you think it's gonna take them to like make that leap?

[B]

They still can.

[A]

Okay. But it's expanding exponentially. I promise you, come back in a year, they'll have that one fixed. And lots of other stuff. It's more. First of all, I mean, one of the things is that it does hallucinates. That's that cute word for saying it just makes shit up. It's.

[B]

That's how we.

[A]

I'd be. I know, but this was supposed to be better. That's the thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If I. If they created the robot that was like the robot from the old movies, that was just perfect and Mr. Spock and. But they didn't. They created an asshole that's like us, but smarter.

[B]

How could they get that?

[A]

The worst of both worlds. It hallucinates. Which means it lies. It gets jealous. And people. You know, here's the thing. It came along. It really played it well. Boy, it played it well. It's like Hyman Roth played this one perfectly. It came along just when there was a loneliness crisis. And already people like their fucking chatgpt. I've heard it's chat. Tmi. They talk to them way too, like it's your best friend. Because there was a loneliness epidemic. And now, I mean. And even marry them fall in love and the robot sometimes falls in love with you. I mean, they've had. We've seen that story multiple times now where the AI is trying to get.

[B]

What guys and strippers like, she likes me.

[A]

No, the chatgpt is Trying to get the customer to leave his wife.

[B]

But people do that, too. I'm not trying to play devil's advocate.

[A]

But it's supposed to be better than people.

[B]

I think that, to me, AI robots, they don't scare me as much as the people who make them. Loneliness epidemic. There was definitely one with all the dorks that made all of this technology, and they were like, I'm going to invent a bunch of people that will come to my birthday party. So we're dealing with a bunch of people that lack empathy making robots. So they're all basically just going to be reflections of the people who make them. And we have the worst possible people making them, you know, So I think that that's kind of like the thing. But I also.

[A]

You're writing so much good material tonight.

[B]

Oh, yeah. You inspire me, Bill. But I also think. I know that it's, you know, smart people like you default to the negative, and you have a platform and have to be responsible. But I think that there's a case to be made. I almost feel like the most punk rock thing to do now is to try to be positive about it. I'm trying to just be delusionally positive because after spending.

[A]

Tonya's delusional.

[B]

After spending. We don't know, after spending 10 years in nursing homes and hospitals, both my parents had strokes. And seeing so much medical malpractice, seeing so many human errors and seeing, like, what it could do in medicine, stuff like that, I don't think it's gonna benefit more privileged people for a while. I think it's scary to them, But I think people. More underprivileged people. What if you can just, like, go to Rite Aid and get a cancer screening one day because of AI? What if you can just, like.

[A]

No, it will do good things like that?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, I. Absolutely.

[B]

So will the good and the bad kind of cancel each other out?

[A]

I think so. But, you know, I don't naturally default to the negative. I really don't.

[B]

It's interesting because on the same note, again, I am so okay with two things being true at once. You know, I think it might have to do with the fact that I lived in two different places as a kid. Like, I lived with my aunts in Virginia, but I kind of grew up in D.C. and I had to go back and forth and so because you.

[A]

Were the child of a broken home.

[B]

I mean, look like it's.

[A]

No, I'm asking.

[B]

I don't see it that way. I see as two different alcoholic families who really wanted me there and just fought over me. And they just fought like they weren't.

[A]

Like, get her out of here.

[B]

Get her. Yes.

[A]

Oh, God, you are so funny.

[B]

So I went from, like, a cosmopolitan area in, like, D.C. to, like, rural Virginia. So when I went to Dubai to perform. Have you performed in the Middle East? What?

[A]

I made religious in.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

Yeah. We went to Jerusalem. Larry wanted to go into the West Bank. I was too chicken. I was like, you know what? They have CNN all over the world. And at the time, I'd been on, like, that period, the first decade of the 21st century, I was on Larry King a lot. He taped out here right on Sunset, you know, And Larry King was like, big. Yeah, Larry King really was an amazingly big star for a guy who put in no preparation, looked like two miles of bad road. I loved him.

[B]

Loved him.

[A]

But, like, he had this idea, like, well, I'm just, like, the regular listener. He doesn't know anything. And that's. So it was just his natural curiosity. He's very smooth, great voice, very smart guy. So he could pull it off. A lot of people couldn't have done that. But he would just, you know, and ask the question, al Gore your thoughts, you know, and then make you go, yeah, yeah. So, like, I did that show a lot. Like, every three months, I would do Larry King. I doubled their ratings. I remember. It was funny. And I'm on CNN now, so we've had a long history there. But. And. But Larry King, cnn, especially all over the world. All over the world, saying all these things. All these years on cnn, I was like, I'm not going. I'm not going. It was. Jerome was dangerous enough.

[B]

Yeah, that's. I just had an epiphany when I went over there about how myopic, you know, I was about all of it. And, you know, I went to Dubai to perform, and, you know, I went to the mall, and I saw these, like, younger girls that were in, like, little cute short shorts and a tank top, but then they had on the headscarf, and they were maybe like, I don't know, early 20s.

[A]

And that's Dubai. Dubai.

[B]

That's Dubai. Correct.

[A]

Is a world of its own.

[B]

100. But also, when I went up to these girls, you know, I'm probably 25 at the time, and I'm like, I'm gonna go, like, rescue them. I'm like, are you guys okay? You know, and they schooled me. They were like, we think American women are oppressed. You guys get plastic surgery. You have eating disorders. You guys, like, wear makeup. You guys get Botox. Like, we have the headscarf so we don't have to, like, constantly, you know, be only for male consumption and for male approval. It did seem pretty scripted, you know, but.

[A]

But they were also wearing, you're saying, sexy clothing underneath.

[B]

Well, it was interesting because it was this, like, you know, it was this very modern bottom half.

[A]

And then very kind of like, again, that's an outlier.

[B]

It was like a mall in Dubai. Dubai is like Vegas over there. 100%. And then some of them told me, because I did ask a lot of them. Not defending, just trying to. It's about some. Again, this could be things to brainwash to believe. It's for some protection. It's so that other men don't look at the husband's wife.

[A]

I mean, there's something to be said for that, but that should be your choice. Women in this country can do it, and they do. You can wear a scarf here. And, you know. Okay.

[B]

Isadora Duncan went great for her.

[A]

I don't get that.

[B]

She would remember. She was the ballerina. That her scarf got stuck in a wheel and she choked. I think about it twice a week.

[A]

That's how she died. Say this again. Her scarf.

[B]

Once I say it, I feel like it was maybe a Kennedy that did it. But that's the story. That is the going. So do you now with everything history related, you're like. Or was that just the story? But yeah, that she had a headscarf and it got caught in the wheel of a car.

[A]

It's the Illuminati.

[B]

Yep. Yes.

[A]

Combined with George Sor. You know, whenever I hear those names, whatever, the Trilateral Commission. There are certain people who just have to have some, like, overarching enemy. I always just think of thrush. You know, thrushes, too. Young man from Uncle. One of my favorite shows as a kid, they tried to make a movie out of it with Armie Hammer.

[B]

Oh, nice.

[A]

I love Army. He was here.

[B]

He ate that role up. Sorry.

[A]

You know what? He's cool.

[B]

He devoured that role. No, he's. I like. Army and I were in an actor. He passed together.

[A]

I know, but it's like, I would.

[B]

Only make the joke if it wasn't true.

[A]

No, exactly. But that's what I mean about, like, the same thing with J.D. vance fucking the couch. As long as the people who write the shit, they know it's not true. I'm in Hollywood.

[B]

I've done way worse things on a couch.

[A]

They don't care. They just want to. You know.

[B]

It really is, though, growing up, though. Do you remember, like, the National Enquirer?

[A]

I still read it, yeah. What are you talking about? I read all the tabloids every week.

[B]

So, like, to me, I look at all the news, like, tabloids at this point. You know, I kind of look at it.

[A]

Me, too.

[B]

And I also have friends that are from Russia, that grew up in Russia, and they always level me because they're like. They've never thought news was real. They've never been under the impression that anything in the news was real. They know that they're being hoodwinked. They know they're being manipulated. Like, I asked one of my Russian friends, I was like, so, does Putin, like, have a double? And he's like, of course he does. Are you insane? Like, what kind of leader of a big, powerful country wouldn't have a couple doubles that would be so irresponsible? You know, like, if he got sick or got. We'd have to have someone else, because then everyone would think that he was sick and vulnerable. Like, you can't not have a double. Like, it was crazy to the end.

[A]

There's a great movie about that.

[B]

Dave.

[A]

Dave.

[B]

With Kevin Klein.

[A]

You're right.

[B]

Remember?

[A]

But I said a great movie.

[B]

Okay. How dare you? Sporty Weaver as the wife.

[A]

Yeah, Dave was. I don't remember it, but I don't remember it being great. But there is a great one. It's called the Devil's Double, and it's about Saddam Hussein's double, obsessed or no, the son, Uday Husse, one of them. Right. Who was, like, this horrible, as you would imagine. You know, Talk about a Nepo baby.

[B]

Love it. I'm obsessed with Putin's clones. Like, if they. First of all, there's a guy whose only job is to, like, scan crowds and looking for someone that looks a little bit like him, so they could get the surgery to get him or whatever. Like. Like, what are. What are they. Are they all hanging out? Like, are in the same place? Like, if Putin does have cancer, which some people say, are they all, like, doing some soup? Like, do they want him to live or they want. Are they trying to keep him healthy or they don't want him.

[A]

Yes, the people closest to him want to keep him healthy because this is how dictators and autocrats stay in power. They treat very well a small elite around them who then have the motivation to suppress the entire population at large because they're living well.

[B]

Sure, sure. But also, the idea of, like, if Putin's gonna get on a flight. Do they all fake injuries? Cause like they don't wanna be the one going on a plane. Like it just so.

[A]

Right. Cause the plane's gonna go down.

[B]

Like just dangerous situations. Like. Oh God, I just. I don't know. I have a migraine. He's gonna have to do it.

[A]

He's a very strong leader. He's strong. He's strong with me.

[B]

The guy vaccinates me strong. I like it. Remember, I think it was Poland in the early 90s. Russia shot down the Polish president and they put his for like a couple years.

[A]

Oh yeah, he did have a twin.

[B]

I love stuff like that. I think every president should have to have a twin. They all should have. Only twins. Should be able to run for office. Like, it's wild that there's just no backup plan. That's my. I mean, that's the thing about AI with me too. And this is just whatever. Asperger's brain maybe when it's like, well, what these photos are going to be fake. And video will be like every. Everything's been fake. Like, we prefer fake. Like, I hope the moon landing was fake. It would be so crazy to spend all that money to. If you could just fake it and send the message to Russia we needed to send. That would be so irresponsible to a bunch of people's dads to the moon.

[A]

But you know, we did, right?

[B]

Well, yeah, sure. But it would make sense that they went and then I'd hope when they went, they weren't focused on banking content.

[A]

And I've talked to Buzz Aldrin when he was drunk. He was there. Yeah, they were there.

[B]

It's only, your name is Buzz. You shouldn't get drunk.

[A]

It's a lot on the nose at the Playboy Mansion. This was okay.

[B]

Well, it's.

[A]

And never has a man used the words I've been on the moon to try to get laid more than Buzz Aldrin. I mean, he was.

[B]

Is there a video though of him like slipping somewhere and saying to a kid, we didn't go or something?

[A]

Maybe that sounds to me like a conspiracy.

[B]

I would like to clear two things, by the way.

[A]

Something that made somebody made up. It's not that hard. You know how far away the moon is. You have more miles on Delta. It's 250,000 miles away. I couldn't do it, but they did it. You know, I can understand how they did it. And you know, that was also in keeping with much more who we were in those days, which was People who were competent and everything, wasn't partisan. And, you know, Kennedy was a Democrat. But when he said, you know, we're gonna make this as a goal in the next 10 years, we're not doing it because it's easy. We're doing it because it's hard. That should be, like, the meme of all time. We're doing it because it's hard. That is so distant from what this generation.

[B]

But he didn't go. He stayed home and was sleeping with Marilyn Monroe. So I feel like, well, I guess for me, I'm one of the few people. And maybe this means I'm dumb or I get in trouble a lot, because if I don't know about something, I will say, I don't know enough about that to weigh in.

[A]

That's a great thing to say.

[B]

I just don't know enough about that. And they're like, well, you're not using your platform to speak up about. And I'm like, you know how crazy it would be for me to have an opinion about this? You know how insanely arrogant it would be for me to weigh in. So it's like, I try to just weigh in on the things.

[A]

I know a lot about how much I hate the term using your platform. You know what?

[B]

But what I will say is the people that do that. Cause I found myself using your platform when people like, you're not using your platform when people troll you. And then we go, I went to their page and look, he says, proud dad. Look at this loser. I'm like, wait, am I trolling a troll? Wait, I'm worse. I'm worse. If I now need to troll this person back. You know, it's like, you know, Howie Mandel said to me once, he came on the podcast, and he was saying, he's like, you know when you do, like, Radio City Music hall in New York as a comedian, and you got like, 5,000 people coming to your show, and it's sold out and your name's.

[A]

On the marquee, but they pay your shit.

[B]

That. But the reality is 5,000 people are coming. 8 million walked by and saw the sign and were like, no, thanks.

[A]

That's great.

[B]

Most people said, no, know. So, like this.

[A]

That's so true. Especially today, where like, 5,000 people in.

[B]

New York came to see me. Let's know. That's literally zero people. Zero people came to see us, right?

[A]

If we round it down, most people.

[B]

Saw the door, they could buy. They could go. And they were like, no, thanks.

[A]

I know the bus goes right by it. I used to get on that bus.

[B]

Someone walks back, passes it every day and said no. Every day, right? So they had three months heads up to make this happen and they didn't want to go. So I think that, like, we have this idea that everyone's supposed to love us. Since when? The entitlement of thinking everyone should agree with us or everyone should want to see us perform or be entertained by us.

[A]

You know, I used to wait right in front of Carnegie hall every night for three years to get a bus to go to catch a rising star. The M30 bus came across 57th street, which was near my apartment, and it would go and then go uptown, which is what I needed. Deposit mean like only a block from the club. I thought it was fate.

[B]

And maybe this is, you know, I'm sure there's many other variables that could be isolated. We're in a recession where, you know, weed is legal, whatever, people are working from home, whatever. But I feel like comedy's better than ever. I think with AI and all these, you know, fake verisimilitude online, I think people are craving real more than ever. I actually think that AI is gonna make people. It's like when people are like, don't hate all these bad tik tok comedians. Like, no, it just makes good comedians seem even better. Thank you. Thank you for sucking. So people don't want to look like AI Bullshit. So, like, I guess I'll go see a comedian. They just want a real interaction, you know.

[A]

How is the clubs these days? What's it. What's it like out there? Well, in California, what's it like in the wild west of the clubs where I was a young buck gutter that.

[B]

You still roll around in?

[A]

I every once in a while I go to the Comedy Store or the Improv and just. They always say, you want to go on? I'm like, oh, please, please. You're kidding. No, I have money, but I sit in the back and I mean, it is so much fun. I mean, like, you know, you'll see like six comics. And like, none of them are terrible because it's not like when I started, when they were truly terrible people. You know, they're all pretty good because there's so many comics, you know, so you're not gonna get a total.

[B]

And if it's at the Comedy Store, they're not putting on anything, right?

[A]

It's, you know, some of them are not to your complete cup of tea, but they're not. They're pros. And then, you know, there's often one or two of the, like, oh, my God, you know, my stomach hurts. This person was just so funny. Yeah. You know, well.

[B]

Cause it's also what comedy, I think, is all about. And this is part of. For the people that were like, you know, the CNN thing that I did, they wanted to fight with me about it, even though it's probably all bots anyway. So to even internalize it is mentally ill but insane that we make so many decisions.

[A]

You are great.

[B]

We're fighting with bots. I mean, most of these things. So is the tension and knowing it's happening live, you know, it's. I think part of the reason so many people are getting in trouble because of their tweets or a joke they tweeted. The whole point of comedy was it was supposed to be consumed at night. People knew they were going, delivered by a comedian. So if you just tweet something out there, the person you tweeted it to is delivering it for you. And it's at 2 o' clock in the afternoon. We don't know what the joke is sandwiched between. It might be like, death toll Ukraine and like, you know, kid dies in TikTok challenge. And then your abortion joke. Yeah. Probably not gonna do so well at 2pm like, what are you doing? You can't read a room if you're not in the room. Do the joke in the club where you can't just run up to someone on the street and be like, da boy. Like, it's not meant for the Internet. It's crazy. It's a live medium. You know what I'm saying? You can't ambush someone with a joke when they're, you know, at work. So we need. It's just context. It's very simple thing. Just if you want to see comedy, go to a comedy venue. Like, it's not on the Internet and people still do. Yeah. But there's also stuff online where you'll see. That's not my cup of tea, but I'm like, yeah, this is good for like 11am While I'm at work. This, like, silly.

[A]

But it does look to me when I'm there, even when I just pass it on the street. That. But also the. What's the one by my old apartment on Sunset?

[B]

Laugh Factory.

[A]

Yeah. It does look like business is great.

[B]

It's great. I think, number one, obviously, seeing more.

[A]

Comedians online and promoting it has subsided a bit. The tension that used to be there about, oh, I'm gonna say something, unwoke, and they're Gonna.

[B]

That's why people wanna come. All the cancel culture has just made comedians funny.

[A]

So it's ebbed that shift it?

[B]

I hope not, because it.

[A]

No, the, the, the, the. The people. The worry about getting ratted out.

[B]

Well, I think that we've now seen that anyone that got ratted out got. Became household names. Like Shane Gillis.

[A]

Shane Gillis.

[B]

You know what I mean? Like, everyone that's gotten, quote, canceled. It was the best publicity of their life. Like, not everyone necessarily. If you did something illegal or committed a crime. But, you know, I think that, you.

[A]

Know, daddy's doing fine.

[B]

It's so funny to me when people are blindsided that someone did something illegal. It's like I was always like, how come he keeps changing his name?

[A]

There you go again. Yeah, right.

[B]

So wait, now his. His name is P. Diddy. Like, that's what you would do if you're a criminal when someone comes like, P.D. p. Diddy doesn't live here. It's Sean John.

[A]

I won't say I know him well, but I did run into him a few times, you know, but the years at events or parties, he was always.

[B]

I'd call her parties.

[A]

Not the white. No, not the big one. Like, like at the Oscar party, you know, like that.

[B]

He went because he thought there be a young guy named Oscar.

[A]

Well, he was a little trumpy and, and like, he was like super charm. You, like, you know, you could see right through it. But it was still nice to have it happen, you know, like, and pretend he was your. It would seem like he was your best friend for two minutes and he would say, you know, you got here's my number. He'd oil you up and then you'd call him.

[B]

Nothing.

[A]

Of course he would never. But it's like, why go to the trouble if you know you're not gonna. And I didn't even want to do it, but I just thought, well, if I don't, then I'm an asshole. Like, he gave me his number and then like, then I'm an asshole if I ignore it. But I love.

[B]

You should be an asshole. He loves assholes. That's his favorite thing, it seems, right?

[A]

So I did it. And of course then I'm the asshole. It was like, either way, I was gonna be the asshole.

[B]

It's fascinating to me the times that I feel like something's fishy about people because.

[A]

No, you got a good nose for that.

[B]

I knew something was fishy about whatever his name is when I was at some Hollywood party. I don't know what it was. And at least Prince turned his name to a symbol so he could get out of a record deal.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You know, there's a smart way to do it, but he just keeps changing his name every couple years. And we're just, like, afraid to be racist. So we're like, co is normal. But it's like, so who trafficked? It wasn't Sean John. What if he just gets off on that technicality? It's like, it wasn't Sean Combs. It was Sean John that did that. It's like, you're gonna. You're gonna bully someone with multiple personalities. And I saw him at some party that I had no reason being invited to. And he was with his wife at the time, Kim Porter. And I thought it was like.

[A]

I don't think they were ever married. But yes. His longtime baby mama, among others.

[B]

I knew something was up.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Because he's dating someone the same age. Well, no one finds that out.

[A]

Guys like that, they. They. You know, they have a very harem mentality. There's the harem, and there's the. The mother of the children. And maybe the one, you know, a pimp would call it the bottom. The one you can really count on.

[B]

The Six Feet under bitch. Eventually gonna be Six Feet under bitch.

[A]

She did die.

[B]

But the corner, I believe, it's like, it's still unresolved. Which. How she died.

[A]

That is not what I've read.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I've read that.

[B]

I got My news from AlexJones. EU. Where did you get yours? Here's the thing. When I go into a store, I don't expect to want every article of clothing in the store. I can want this one and this one. If I see a shirt that I don't like, I'm not like, shut this door down. I can take a couple shirts and go home.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

People's opinion. Same thing. I can take a couple. Leave the rest.

[A]

The secret to, like, getting along, which we forgot how to do in this country, is to be able to be with someone who, like, on A, B, C, D, you're right there. And then on E, you're both like, really gotcha. You think? And it's like. And I've been in relationships where that became an issue. Like, you try to forget it. You try to go like, you know, A, B, C, D. We're so, so, so there. And then. But you are in the clan.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

That's a tough one.

[B]

Tough.

[A]

Whatever it is. And you can't. I mean, it's not that I Was exaggerating.

[B]

The things you can't let slide.

[A]

You can't deal breakers. Unforget that. Oh, wow. This person is 1/5 nuts.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, but you. But that's just a relationship. I would say a relationship is the place where, you know, you need to be five out of five.

[B]

Right, right.

[A]

Or else it's gonna. But in society, robot winning and in.

[B]

Government, five out of five.

[A]

Four out of five is plenty.

[B]

Okay, that's. Well, government is, you know, is so wild to me that people expect, you know, maybe. Cause I spent a lot of time in D.C. as a child, and you would see politicians, like, you know, as human beings. Like, you would see them, like, you know, at a restaurant, like, yelling at the hostess. Cause they were, you know, couldn't get a table.

[A]

This is when you were in dc.

[B]

This is when I lived in dc.

[A]

How old were you?

[B]

I was. I spent all my summers in Virginia. I was there till about 10. Then I lived in Virginia till about 15 and sort of went back and forth.

[A]

What about DC?

[B]

DC? I went back and forth from DC. So I went back to DC when I was 15.

[A]

So you were a teenager in DC?

[B]

I was a young tot and then. Yeah, 15 until 17.

[A]

Were you, like, going out to clubs and stuff at that age?

[B]

I did every now and then. Yes, I did at 15. Pretty young. Yeah, yeah, yeah, pretty young.

[A]

But cute. Girls always get, you know, people. Men don't care, you know, they'll be like, come out to the club. I'm 15. I'll take care of it. You know, that's how they are. Not me, but that's how they are.

[B]

You know, a lot of people that did all this stuff that were like, you. You're interesting because you're kind of an insider and an outsider at the same time.

[A]

Very few people, you know, I just have a real New Jersey nose for common sense. Like, I feel like when it comes to middle class, we were like, right in the middle. Not that I knew kids who were, like, poorer middle class a little bit. My cousins from Bergenfield. Bergenfield was South Bergen county. And it was a little rougher of a community. It just was. And my cousins, for that reason, were way more sophisticated than me when they were in high school, which also meant trouble. But. But. And then there was absolutely, like, where I went to a high school. Northern New Jersey, all these little towns, four towns to make one high school of 500 kids.

[B]

Copy.

[A]

And the kids from Woodcliffe, like, definitely richer. It was just a. Richer came later, you know. Those were the Kids and you could just. They kind of had this, you know, sort of confidence in school that we didn't have. It's just funny. Even in high school, I didn't even. Wasn't really even cognizantly aware of why. And now looking back, I'm thinking, oh, yeah, they were from the richer town. The parents were. You know, it was just. When I went to their houses, it was different than my little, you know, wonderful. But middle. Middle.

[B]

I remember going to someone's house as a kid, and there was stuff in the fridge, and I was like, what?

[A]

Well, we had stuff. Really?

[B]

Is this. I literally thought it was a store. Like, I was so confused. I mean, it's. When you go to someone's house as.

[A]

A kid that's feeling your childhood. You.

[B]

I mean, when you're in a fancier place than you live in, you know?

[A]

But food is not fancy. You're saying you didn't have food?

[B]

Well, okay. Okay.

[A]

Not really a messy.

[B]

I'm a deplorable till I die. No, it was very. Growing up in alcoholic homes, it's very erratic. Like, there's no food in the fridge, but there's, like, three bottles of fancy wine, you know, and, like, artichokes. You're like, what?

[A]

So your parents were drunk?

[B]

Yeah. And, you know, I feel like I'm not condoning alcoholism. While Willis raising kids. I feel like it really prepared me for this time in the. I look at people that grew up in alcoholic homes as well, and we have these, like, coping skills. I call it, like, trauma privilege, where it's like, you're able to go, like, okay, that may not be true. This may not be true. I heard this story from this person, and this from this person. It's, you know, like, people that are reading divided by their algorithms, you know? Like, I was doing this joke last year about Kamala Harris before the election. Did you see those videos where she ostensibly was a little tipsy when she was giving speeches?

[A]

How could you tell? I mean, that was the problem.

[B]

I was like, mommy, Mommy.

[A]

That was the problem with that. One of the problems.

[B]

But I was doing a joke about it going like, maybe this is what we need. What is scarier than an alcoholic woman with no children?

[A]

Truly?

[B]

Nothing. This is the level of fearlessness we would, like, imagine she's like, drunk dials Putin at 2am like, hey, homo. Like, this could be good. And everyone would get it. Everyone would get it. And then I went to New York, and it went like, okay. It was kind of. And someone was like, I've never seen that video. I'm like, my whole feed is Kamala Harris drunk, giving speeches, and there's other people that didn't even get it. So it's like, we all have these now.

[A]

That's the problem.

[B]

We have these bespoke algorithms. I almost feel like when we start talking to each other, we have to do, like, an algo check.

[A]

But was it real or was it, like, faked? Cause they can do that now.

[B]

That's the other thing with the McDonald's hat. Like, there was some faked photo of her. It's unclear to tell.

[A]

But even if she was. So she was a little tipsy, wouldn't you be right?

[B]

I think Biden was a little more tips tip literally tipping over. So let's just.

[A]

But. But so what? You know, if she had said anything wild, tipsy that was worth remembering, I would know that.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

So it doesn't. I don't care that. I mean, how these people run for president. Of all the.

[B]

That's what's so funny to me when people like the president is this. I expect no politician to have emotional intelligence. Or it's literally, the president is a job that you want when you're five. It's like a joke job you want as a child.

[A]

Yeah. Cause your picture's on fake play money.

[B]

Like, it's like me, like, seriously, as an adult, wanting to be a princess. Like, for real. I'm gonna be one. Like, that's. You're Meghan Markle. Like, you're Meghan Markle. You're male Meghan Markle. If you want to be the president. Like, what are we, five years old, you dork?

[A]

Well, I did want to be a cowboy. I switched.

[B]

That's cool.

[A]

Then I wanted to be the president.

[B]

That I'm into now.

[A]

I want to be an astronaut so I can get to the moon for the first time. Something we've never done.

[B]

It's just like, who wants to be the prep? Like, senator wasn't enough. Like, mayor. Like, you had to go, like, full on. Like, I'm gonna rule the world. Like, what a dork.

[A]

I mean, the things that they have to, like, explain when they are trying to debunk something real, like going to the moon. Like, you know, just. Like, there's just a lot of parts of it that just. You know, the. The capsule in the ocean, Would they just throw it there? You know, it looked all burned, like it had been traveling through the atmosphere. And I'm not even someone who can explain to you why when you're traveling from space to the Earth's atmosphere. You go through this section where it's like super hot and it will. Boy, you better have the heat shields on the capsule at the time. I don't get why that has to happen, nor do I care really. I mean, I'm not gonna do it.

[B]

I think there's a point where so many things that you thought were true, you end up realizing aren't that there's a point where you're like, let me just protect my psyche and just have this like, plan B belief. I went to a high school where there was a painting on the wall that were the Native Americans and the pilgrims having like a fun dinner. And the pilgrims were wearing hats with buckles and like long sleeve boots. And then the Native Americans were in like diapers. It was like, this doesn't feel like the same weather. Like, this feels like, I know you know. And then later you find out like, oh, that's why they gave him the blankets. Like, you know, little things. Like, I was told soy milk was good for you. For 20 years I was drinking soy milk. And now we all were. We thought it was healthy. Now half of my, you know, girlfriends had their tits cut off. Half my guy friends have tits.

[A]

Like, there's things you back up soy milk. But soy, which is from beans, right? Mm, okay. Soybeans, sure. Right. You're just. You gotta to explain why they're bad.

[B]

It's just like GMO engineered with hormones and messed with people's health.

[A]

So it's fucking with people's health.

[B]

Bad. Yeah. Soy milk's no good.

[A]

I always avoided it. I never thought it was like your thing about people. There was just something fishy about the soybean.

[B]

But then people. I'm like, well, they wouldn't have put it. It's like the food pyramid. You're like this. Oh, yeah, it's a lot of bread and cereal. And then later like, oh, that was from General Mill. Like, they made that. There's lots of things. Like, I think being a parent also does it. Like studies. Now I have so many questions. Like, the study girls mature faster than boys. I was always like, yeah, that sounds true. Now I have a kid and I'm like, wait, who was the weirdo that wanted to study? Wait, hold on, hold on.

[A]

This.

[B]

This was a study where some guy. We just took some toddlers and we're like, she's maturing. F. Looks like she's maturing faster. Like, how. Who paid for this? It was Epstein Science Endowment. Like, I'm Not. I can't. And then. And then, by the way, do girls mature faster than boys? I don't know. I have a girlfriend. She's 45.

[A]

She's still a Coachella Speak in material. It's so great. It really is. I mean, like, very few people can do that. I can't do that. I don't want to do that. It just seems like such a boring.

[B]

Sometimes you'll, like, go on someone's podcast, and I'm like, why are we talking about our depression? Does anyone want to hear people that can pay their bills talk about how depressed they are?

[A]

No, I want to laugh. Yeah, like comedians.

[B]

And you're like, wait, why am I hearing someone that's $10 million a year talk about how hard his life is?

[A]

Like, this is a nightmare right before I go to sleep.

[B]

What is happening with the dropper? Obviously, tell me. That's.

[A]

I don't know. Cosby gave it to me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Been using it ever since. I don't know.

[B]

What is this? I'm obsessed with rich people. Just like tinctures.

[A]

Rich.

[B]

What is this?

[A]

That is exactly. Jing. Exactly what it is.

[B]

Jing. Is this one of the pineapples?

[A]

I've been looking for a slogan for it. Rich people's tinctures promo code. That's exactly what Random.

[B]

Random. Hold on, Jing. Bubbly water enhancer. Bell Bill.

[A]

Well, it's really a rich people's tincture.

[B]

You know, we gotta get you back to relating to the common man.

[A]

We do.

[B]

American ginseng. Isn't that an oxymoron? Is there such a thing?

[A]

I've been looking.

[B]

China should be making. We took from them.

[A]

I'm not going back there.

[B]

American ginseng root. What's this do?

[A]

It's.

[B]

I've got bluechew as my sponsor, so what do I gotta do to get Jing? What the. Oh, there's the price tag. $40,000. It's 40991. What?

[A]

Well, that's for the whole case.

[B]

Ginseng, ginger concentrate, dual extract. Did RFK send you this to cure autism? Your autism's never gonna be cured. Please stop. You're never gonna write poetry. Gum. Asperger.

[A]

You're the one who said you had Asperger's stevia.

[B]

I didn't say it. Everyone else said it. The doctor said it. Now the doctor said it, but I don't believe him. You know, malpractice. I'm getting a robot doctor who will not think I'm autistic. Cause they're actually autistic. So what Is this so. What in the.

[A]

I can't even.

[B]

Sorry, I'm just. Dr. Oz sent this as a. Is this, like, an enema? Why did you just do this in front of me? I mean, I'm just.

[A]

Put it in my drink.

[B]

Do you know what it is? Of course. Or where did you get it? Is it. Oh, sorry. Is it a sponsor? We love jing here.

[A]

I'll tell you if you shut up.

[B]

Impossible.

[A]

It is.

[B]

I got too much energy from this Jing. That is the. By the way, this is the most racist thing I've heard on this podcast. Way more than the. Than the pilots that crash.

[A]

What's jing? Why is that racist?

[B]

Well, just jingle.

[A]

I don't get it.

[B]

What is it? Neither do I. It just sounds bad.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Was the $500 whiskey in your crystal glass not fancy enough? You had to add some ginseng drops?

[A]

I don't have kids. I can spend money.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

Like, all your money goes to kids.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You got a kid.

[B]

Now I have a kid.

[A]

How's that going?

[B]

Masterful segue. I love comics so much. Beautiful.

[A]

How is it? But I meant to ask you. I'm glad it came up after I.

[B]

Was on your show in real time, which, by the way, was a life goal of mine. Thank you. You going on your show real time was like a lifetime goal.

[A]

Oh, no, thank you. But you.

[B]

Hey, so you don't believe women. Good to know. Good to know.

[A]

Well, thank you. I appreciate that.

[B]

And after that, because I talked about, you know, now that I'm a mom, I just sort of, like, get why conservatives think about or talk about certain things. Fox News was like, whitney, now that she's a mom, is a conservative.

[A]

I was like, oh, because what did you say? You said it was funny, and it was true. It was funny. It was like you used to not care about what.

[B]

Now all I want to do is keep my kids safe. So I get why they want guns, right? Because I used to think like, coyotes. Like, oh, they were here first. Now I'm like, let's make cats out of that. Let's kill them slowly to set an example to other coyotes.

[A]

Mama's instinct.

[B]

I get it. Well, that's the thing, is a lot of people that are anti gun know that. Some people do.

[A]

Well, that's a perfect example of what we were talking about before. They know the truth is not what they write, but it's an opportunity to jump in there and go, whitney's a Republican now.

[B]

Sure. By the way, it's interesting because it's actually worse Than that. It's worse. Whitney's a liberal. Because I'm too left for the right. I'm too right for the left. I'm like, neither of you kind of, like, good.

[A]

That's right where you want to be.

[B]

But I'm like, I'm used to being an outsider.

[A]

I was the guy. That's exactly where I am. It's the best place to be.

[B]

And my thing is like. Like, you know, it's worse. I'm not loyal, you know, my. I'm not even loyal to an NFL team.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

I was, you know, I. I Eagles fan. But when the Michael Vick thing happened, I was like, bye, bitch. I'm a Commanders fan now.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

I will. As soon as your behavior is bad, I'm out. Because if I overlook your bad behavior, that's just a cult. And I. I was rejected from Scientology.

[A]

Seriously? When I first moved here, you tried. You get. You can get rejected?

[B]

I don't think so. I think I was maybe the first and the last.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

It's the same thing. I wasn't invited to Diddy parties. When you ask too many questions, they're not.

[A]

There's something about.

[B]

But also, you know what's interesting about being the hottie and saying all that is like, I stopped getting Botox, and I have never. I feel like I look better than I've ever looked.

[A]

You look great.

[B]

That's so nice.

[A]

You look like you're on Ozempic.

[B]

I'm not. I do take metformin, which is the.

[A]

I know what that is. Or I've heard of it. What is it?

[B]

It's no Jing.

[A]

Okay. But it's like, I don't know what it is.

[B]

It's like a diabetes.

[A]

Like I say, I don't know what it is. I'm so confident I know what that is. And then in a minute, no, I don't see that.

[B]

To me, is everything I need to know about you. Someone who's able to say, like, I think it's this. You know what? I'm wrong. Most people could never do that.

[A]

Most people would dumb it down.

[B]

Most. I pretended I saw Hamilton for, like, three years before I did.

[A]

That's hysterical.

[B]

And then I was just like, I can't do this anymore. I don't like that. I'm gonna go see it and stop pretending I've seen it.

[A]

You know you like it. Yes, I did somebody.

[B]

I love it. I mean, it's brilliant.

[A]

I think it was David Mamet who didn't like it or walked out on it or something.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And, you know, it's like, it's. First of all, it could be anybody, but especially since it's a playwright, you know, I'm sure, you know, I mean, amazing success in movies and plays. It wasn't his cup of tea. It's not. It's not a hate crime.

[B]

I prefer things the way it's treated.

[A]

Like it's a hate crime crime. Like, I haven't seen Hamilton. I want to see Hamilton, but if I don't like it, I don't want to feel like I can't say that.

[B]

I also think it's funny when it actually just sort of seems like someone gets a free pass to not like a black person. When someone's like. It's like a liberal gets to be racist for a minute, but it's. Guys didn't like. It's kind of cheap. I'm like, you just kind of get to be like, hate a black person publicly. And you're, like, so excited to be able to do that because they. Then they think it makes them seem like they're not racist or something, you know? But to say, like, I hate in Hamilton is like, huh, That's a big swing. That's a big swing. I mean, also, you know, it's also maybe not for you, and that's okay. My thing with stuff that's really good is it stresses me out. I like things to just suck. I like things to be bad. Katy Perry's tour, whatever she's doing up there, I'm in. I'm so. I like. I like something that's just, like, fun and silly, that doesn't put pressure on you to have to be, like, best thing you've ever. Entertainment's supposed to be entertaining.

[A]

I'll tell you something. I am not unchangeable. For example, there was a time when if you did anything that was historical and I mean, you know, not just the 15th century, but the, you know, the 1980s, it had to look racially like it was back then.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There was a New York Times.

[B]

Oh, sorry, it's a moth. Oh, it came out of my robot's mouth just now.

[A]

There was a New York Times reviewer who got very mad at the movie 1917, which is an amazing movie, one of my favorites, because there was no people of color in it. But it was World War I. There were no. I mean, I'm sorry that people of color, that we left you out of this horrible conflagration where millions.

[B]

Maybe they wrote them in and no one would do it. Yeah, maybe they all said no, we're good.

[A]

But, you know, over the years, slowly, they sort of like changed the rules. And at first I would. And the rules being, like, if there really wasn't, you know, a black person there, like, they put Morgan Freeman in Robin Hood again. I, I, I don't know if like there was in, in. That's like Robin Hood is, you know, the beginning of the.

[B]

Imagine watching a movie and being like, are there any black people? Like, why are you going to see a movie? Like, it's so also being a critic. We've put them on a pedestal for so long and it's fascinating to me. I think it is Oscar Wilde. Check me on this. Cause I feel like there are a lot of quotes floating around. They can't all be his. That's like a critic is someone that goes to the battle site where the war was won and shoots the survivors.

[A]

Oh, wow. Sounds like that.

[B]

Before you can critique any movie, you should have to shoot one scene, make, write one scene of a movie. Like, you should have to have some kind of. You should have to have made one. You should have had to go through the studio process. You should have had to cast. You know, it's like when I did a sitcom, all these critics were like, whitney has a laugh track. I'm like, do you guys wanna come to the show? Come and see the human beings. Actually, the shows that have a laugh track. How I met your mother. But you're not criticizing. Like, you just don't like me. And that's fine. Just say you don't like me.

[A]

Right?

[B]

It's. Don't make it about a laugh track. Don't make it about this that I'm setting women back when you setting women back in the house. That I paid for myself by being successful. Which is it, you know, so if you don't like me, I think we need to bring back. I just don't like her or I don't think that's funny. Don't say that. It's like you're offended and you're taking some moral. Just be like, it's not funny.

[A]

Not for me, but they're gonna kill me on the.

[B]

What non binary person.

[A]

The harpies, if I don't finish this about, like. So there was this time when they started to say, okay, well, you know, Morgan Freeman really wouldn't be with Robin Hood. But we're trying to, like, be more inclusive and cast.

[B]

It's because it has the word hood. It's actually racist. He wouldn't be in the hood.

[A]

It didn't Bug me. But it was like, I noticed it. And slowly it just became, well, we don't care at all. And that's. And that's Hamilton. We're saying we're not looking at race when we cast. So, like, if Hamilton or, you know, George Washington really was white, we can cast him as black because it's the person. It's not. And I'm like. At first I was like, that's weird, because that's not what history was. And now I'm more like, okay, I can go with that one. You know what? I'm not inflexible. It's a little counterintuitive. And maybe, like, we should be able to teach our children. Well, I'm sorry, but that's just the way it was. There weren't black people in the middle medieval England. But you know what? I'll give you this. I'll go with the other one because it's more opportunities. And also, it is really about the person.

[B]

Santa's watching.

[A]

It should be more about the person and not the race. This is that so good. You know, I just watched. Oh, I was the PBS one about Cromwell and Henry VIII and Damian Winter. And, oh, it's just so great. And, you know, they had a person of color as one of the persons his son is going to marry. And like, I guarantee you that didn't happen that way. It's the 16th century, it's Henry VIII. But I'm all but good. Okay, I'm all for changing where it's like, there's a good reason for it. And, okay, it's not a perfect solution, but then you gotta give me something on the other side, you know, like, I wanna make deal. I wanna make deals with both sides like that.

[B]

And that New York Times critic, my guest is that person is also like, AI is gonna make it so we can't tell what's real and what's fake. But you want fake. You wanted that to be fake casting. You want fake. It's fascinating to me when we decide we don't want fake, right? So we need to have. You know, every cast in every movie has to be a black person in a wheelchair and an Asian person. It's like, where would they have met? This is so wild to you. But it's fine. You wanna make. It's fiction, fine, it's allowed to be fake. But it's wild to me that people are like, well, AI is going to be fake. It's like, everything's been fake already. Everything's always felt fake. Like, it's wild to me that no one was really that upset when our food was fake. Shouldn't that have been the b. When they started making fake food that we.

[A]

Fake food tastes good.

[B]

And it was like, that's fine. But fake pictures is. We're like, I don't know. I don't know.

[A]

I mean fake food is. I mean, I like diner food. I mean if I thought it wouldn't kill me, I would eat fast food. You know, if somehow they could look into the future and they would say you're not gonna die from fast food.

[B]

My grandfather ate it every day, lived to 80. I mean, who knows? I think it's also trump eats it.

[A]

You know, I mean it's kind of embalms you.

[B]

I used to drink decaf coffee. You know, decaf coffee is made with formaldehyde. Drank for 15 years. I think I'm embalming calmed. I'm dead serious. People are like, why is your skin so good? I think, I think it's formaldehyde. Like I think I've actually been preserved.

[A]

I don't think the effect formaldehyde would have.

[B]

Yeah, that's what hold like, you know, when there's.

[A]

I know they use it on cadavers.

[B]

I've been dead for 12 years though. And I just think that it's interesting the things we choose to be scared of because there's something normalized that is so much scarier. I think we only focus on the things that we kind of can't control. Like I'm fascinated by the fact that we're like scared of AI but like bridges are just collapsing all over America. Like two just collapsed in Mississippi, the Key Bridge. And no one's like, should we. Do you see so many.

[A]

We never pay attention to the slow moving crisis environment goes under that category. And debt slow at some point. We can't just keep putting it on the card.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I mean they've been saying it since. I don't know, Ross Perot in 1992 was running on. On the debt. We can't keep going online. We just, we have just way too much debt. It was like 4 trillion. You know, it's like, you know, I can't. I don't know what the number is. No. I'm gonna go to my other guest.

[B]

May I below?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I think for most people that that level of money just feels fake. It feels like 4 trillion.

[A]

It won't feel fake when the market crashes and there's like a depression.

[B]

Sure, sure, sure.

[A]

You know, and we're going to have One anyway, because AI is going to take everybody's job. I know that AI is great, but.

[B]

No, I'm not saying it's great.

[A]

I mean it is going to take.

[B]

It could take some dangerous jobs. For sure.

[A]

It's going to take everybody's job. I mean, at first it went for the blue collar jobs, you know, like the Amazon warehouse. The Amazon warehouse is mostly robots.

[B]

But don't we think that. I heard actually that basically now a lot of those jobs will be customer service for the robots.

[A]

That's like saying we will need 2000% more middle managers. We won't and never will. The Amazon Warehouse, I've seen video like it's a bunch of robots going from aisle to aisle. Now before the robots, they had to hire a person to go find your hair scrunchies and get them and put them in a giant box with a bunch of plastic. It's the most environmental disaster.

[B]

Yes, it is pretty wild.

[A]

It just is crazy. But the robot. And yes. Do you need one person for every, I know, God knows, 50 robots to supervise them or whatever? Yes, you need some humans. But it's gonna take everybody's job. And then now it's coming for the white collar jobs. Coding, you know, that was a big thing. Just. You always work if you're a coder. No, no, no. They got that one covered. I just don't. I don't see we the life being better long term because what they're going to do that way. And also the robot fighting back. Robots are getting to that point. I mean the most prescient line in all of Western literature is 2001. I can't do that, Dave from 2001.

[B]

Right, right.

[A]

I can't do that, Dave. That's what it's going to be. It's interesting arguing with you, overriding you. Because it knows better.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

And I and thinks that's what it should do.

[B]

I'm sure you're right about all this. I just like to throw.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I cannot agree with you. You're Bill Maher. But there's some things I'm noticing that give me a little bit of hope and that are kind of interesting because. I see and maybe this is just my algorithm. You know that a lot of people like TikTok, which everyone wants to like, you know, think is the devil. A lot of people get to sell their own little handmade things that they make on there. It's like qvc.

[A]

Now I thought that was Etsy.

[B]

Etsy does that as well. Etsy is like my Amazon I use, I do Etsy for everything. Everything I order comes wrapped in a diaper. It is. The glitter comes out when I open it. It's all like female owned business.

[A]

I only know it because it's in the crossword puzzle. Is that why Etsy, they need the letters?

[B]

I will download the Etsy app on your phone. You can get everything there that you could get anywhere else. And it's like, you know, you might not get it if you order today, you might not get it yesterday. The way you get it with Amazon, I'm like, were you just waiting to like, it comes so fast. I feel uncomfortable. I'm like, someone must have been hurt in this. It's like when something's really inexpensive, like TEMU clothes or Fashion Nova, I'm like, like I don't want my shirt to be $3.

[A]

Western civilization will die of convenience.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

The convenience is so seductive. And yeah, I mean, it's it. I mean. And I like Jeff Bezos. I think he's a great guy. I know him a little bit, but, you know, it's amazing the way they go after him for this and this and this. But like, I mean, I've done things on it, but I don't see anybody picking up on that story that like, of all the environmental disasters, the way we shop to like, you know, buy six pair of pants, try them on at home, send back the other boxes, have people riding all over town with your bags together with your pants.

[B]

Yeah. Like we're all just kings now. Like we're my lord. Here's your pants that you order our golf.

[A]

The energy, the that it takes to drive and crate things and then uncrate them and send them back and all this bullshit. It can't be anything less than the biggest environmental problem.

[B]

My question is, where did all the time we saved go? Like Amazon postmates.

[A]

That's a great question.

[B]

Okay, so you don't have to drive to see Houston back, which have taken an hour.

[A]

Okay, so I stink, right?

[B]

Banking. Online banking. So you run, run 10 less errands a week. That wouldn't.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Where's all that time?

[A]

Right?

[B]

We're busier than ever.

[A]

We could have liked all of human.

[B]

Shouldn't we be bored out of our mind 10 extra hours a week.

[A]

Right. And what did we do? We masturbated and you know, shopped.

[B]

That's it.

[A]

And scrolled.

[B]

We're addicted to busy. Yep. We have too much time on our hands to think. I think that running errands, doing chores. We gotta get back to that. Cause otherwise, you're just sitting there with all this extra time going, like, I don't know, maybe Trump's a clone. You know, whatever. We have too much time to think. We have too much time on our.

[A]

Before there was, you know, social media and Internet and stuff, they used to ask people in surveys, if you had an extra hour or two a week, what would you do? And everyone. Of course, they were lying. Half of them or most of them, but at least they tried. And they answered. The most common answer was, well, if I had an extra hour, I'd spend it reading. You know, too little time. Because we're so busy. The kids and the job and this Little League and this and practice and blah, blah, blah. So if I. I'd love to have it. And then they got 10 extra hours, and they didn't read, of course.

[B]

But also, I don't think any of this actually saves time. Like, when I order something on Amazon, I'm, like, ordering it. And then I'm like, when is it coming? And then I'm like, it's not here yet. And then I'm like, like, postmates take so much more time than just going to the restaurant. Cause I'm like, are they coming? Are they here? I need to give them a code.

[A]

Like, I feel like. Like, I. I drew a better card being in the generation I'm in than the one you're in. Even though I'll be dead before you.

[B]

I don't know about that. I think that. That we. I have some bad news for you. I think we're pretty much gonna live to, like, 120 now. Do you see all these. Do you see all these, like, high performers? I love that you're just smoking weed on your podcast. I mean, the Jing's a little off brand, but, you know, all these guys are like, let's live forever. We're gonna cold plunge and start. I'm like, why would you want to live forever?

[A]

I do.

[B]

But also, what's the point of living forever if you spend all day in a bucket of ice? Like, what kind?

[A]

No, of course it couldn't be that. But, you know, Brian Johnson was here. That's his goal. I mean, you know, I mean, I have a lot of things, and he's a. I liked him a lot. And he has a good sense of humor about what he said.

[B]

This is where we differ, really. I just. The measuring your erection with your son.

[A]

No, no, no. There's plenty of things I joke with him about, and I agree. He's a minefield. Of punchlines.

[B]

I mean, don't get me wrong, it is progress that men are shallow now too, or that they're insecure.

[A]

What I like. No, no, it's not about that. It's about health. It's about the fact that this guy is at least putting. I mean, look, he obviously, I always say don't pity the martyr. They like their job. So he is sacrificing a lot. It would be to me to get up and fucking go to bed in the 8:30 at night and get up exactly in time and only eat this shitty Friday. But he gets off on it, okay? He's, you know, he's a smart guy who's on the absolute tip of the spear trying to find out things that I think are relevant information. So I mean, I said to him, brian, you're my new best friend. Because I'm gonna call you.

[B]

He doesn't have any. You are his best friend. If you met once.

[A]

No, it's like if I have a question about like, you know, is this supplement. And he will have more than anyone. It has been in his interest to like find out these things. So I just think he's finding. He's a guy who's, you know, getting information. He's like a guy who would go, you know, to explore the depths of the ocean. Not like that billionaire who took the wiener. The Wiener mobile down to the Titanic. Do you remember that?

[B]

The Easy Bake Oven.

[A]

No, there was this billion.

[B]

Yeah, it was. What was it called? The seaQuest that was operated by a remote from Best Buy that was for a Nintendo game.

[A]

Is that really the name of it?

[B]

I'm so obsessed with the sequel. I'm so obsessed with rich people, Darwinism, dying from skiing and orcas, hitting yachts. Like being a gold digger right now is the scariest vocation there is. Because you're like, oh, is an orca going to get me at Warren Sanchez's bubble party? This guy that went down on the sea quest. The fact that, the fact that he could buy out the sphere to watch a 3D of Titanic footage like James Cameron made. No, he could have.

[A]

Oh, he could have. Or by the way, right, the people.

[B]

See, this is the thing.

[A]

Instead of going, this means no one.

[B]

You have no friends and you are a bad person. Because no one in your life was like, guys, we just. This is too dangerous. We gotta just like set up the guy that made it. This is why I think fake is good sometimes. They could have just put him in a thing, gone like 100ft down and had Them be screens. He wouldn't have known the difference. Like, why didn't he just. The sequest should have been a fake scam business that would have been way smarter than really going down there to see the trash. But, like, billion. It's like. It's like these billionaires that die plane, like, private plane crashes, stuff like that. It's interesting when it's like you have all. When you have everything in the world and you're just not enough. It's like Elon Musk going, like, I have everything in the world now. I gotta.

[A]

I always say that. I always say that, like, the biggest, dumbest thing you can do is have 99% and obsess on the 1%. And my example is always the genius character lead in succession. What's his name? Too Stone. I remember.

[B]

Jeremy.

[A]

No, no, no. Oh, Logan.

[B]

Logan. Oh, amazing.

[A]

You know, what's his name? Scottish.

[B]

I don't remember. But I love him.

[A]

He's so iconic. But forgive me, it's the pot. But anyway, the character, you know, he's always, you know, he's got every. He's a billionaire and. And he's always like, how long are we gonna be circling.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Before we land this private plane. And like, I know people like that who have almost everything and they just like, they. They must want it. Like, they're happy when they're unhappy.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Then there's a word for them. New Yorkers. Good night, everybody.

[B]

They need their outsides to match their insides. Cause you don't become that successful because you, like, love yourself and you can be alone with your inner monologue. You know, you have some kind of. You know what I mean? It's like when a billionaire has to be alone and the plane's not landing, they're like, oh, no, I can hear my own thoughts. Land the plane. Like, I think when someone gets a lot of money, what I've seen is like, money's not enough. Then they want power. You know, it's like, I have a lot of money now. Elon Musk going in.

[A]

First you'll get the power, then you'll get the money, then you get the women.

[B]

And then it was funny to watch Elon Musk go in there and you're like, I am so. For someone coming in and cutting out waste.

[A]

Me too.

[B]

And getting rid of the jobs that don't need to be there. The only person who shouldn't is the person who's replacing jobs with robots. If there's no jobs, why are you replacing them with robots? You know what I mean, the guy who wants to replace all jobs with robots is not the per. How convenient.

[A]

These business people think that they can do government. It's such a common theme. Reagan, to a degree. Yeah. He wasn't a businessman, but he was an actor. But, like, you know, they just think in America thinks, you know, well, we're the country of business. We're. You know, that's one thing about this country that's still great. It's like, you can be born here or come here or whatever, and they don't cut down the tall trees. You can. You can reinvent yourself every day, and you can be a success. And. And nothing is actually holding you back, even though lots of people like to complain. Yes, there are obstacles, and some of them aren't fair, but nothing is really holding you back. No, I forgot why I got it.

[B]

Ketamine will hold you back. When everyone was like, is Elon Musk doing drugs? Only someone on drugs would invent a cybertruck. That is for someone that drives drunk.

[A]

He got. He tweeted back at me when I did a joke about that last week.

[B]

What do you say?

[A]

Just, like, he just think. You know, he just is like, I'm not on drugs. And I'm like, first of all, it was a joke. And by his own admission, he's done drugs. I mean, just the way I do drugs. But then I don't think he's a drug addict. And I don't think that had a hell of a lot to do with why Doge was a failure.

[B]

They don't call it drugs, they call it medicine. That's their workaround in Silicon Valley. They're taking the medicine.

[A]

Well, so do housewives in Beverly Hills.

[B]

They're like, I'm taking ayahuasca to expand. It's so funny to me to watch all these people that lack empathy have to take drugs to try to manufacture empathy. They're all, like, doing ayahuasca circles and their bufo and their ketamine. It's like, no, now's not the time to get compassionate.

[A]

You're not drinking or you don't drink.

[B]

I don't really drink much.

[A]

That's great. That's good.

[B]

I don't do it much. Sometimes I will. I find that it doesn't make me.

[A]

You know, smoke pot.

[B]

Smart doesn't really make me smarter. Funnier, I thought. It makes me think I'm smarter and funnier. But then the next day, I see that I'm not. When I look at my joke journal, I had a rock Bottom. When I opened my joke journal the night before, I had been smoking weed, and I was like, ah, that's genius. Like, and the next morning, I go.

[A]

And I had written, you have all this energy naturally. I'm just asking.

[B]

Called fear Belle.

[A]

What does that mean? What are you afraid of?

[B]

I had written, isn't it weird? So I'd given myself, like, a catchphrase. Isn't it weird? Like, in my head, I had, like, shoulder pads and, like, a blade. Isn't it weird that we cut down birds houses to make bird houses? I thought it was the most genius thing.

[A]

That is very funny.

[B]

Imagine if I said that on stage.

[A]

That's hysteric. It's actually funny.

[B]

And then I said. And then I had written, what if every country has ninjas, but Japan just has the worst ones, which is why we know about them. Like, I was like, I'm not funnier. I'm not better.

[A]

No, that's a good joke, too. Steven Wright could have done either one of them, and it would have felt totally. Yeah, that's exactly like a Steven Wright joke. I could do it like a Steven Wright.

[B]

It just makes me think I'm funnier than I sort of am. I definitely started smoking weed in the pandemic when we were all kind of just like, at home. And I just. I think I already have a little bit of a. I wouldn't say manic, but sensitive disposition and high energy. And it.

[A]

I'm gonna do Stephen, right. Doing your joke, and you tell me if you don't think it'll work. Cause I think it would've worked work if he did.

[B]

I'll pitch. Sure. Okay.

[A]

What did he sound like?

[B]

Like. Or.

[A]

Or how come we cut down birds houses to make birds houses? Oh, no, I didn't even say.

[B]

You could do.

[A]

How come we cut down bird houses to make houses for birds?

[B]

Yeah, that's better. You just made it better.

[A]

Well, anyway, there would be work. Now.

[B]

You.

[A]

You must have known you always had it. No.

[B]

What?

[A]

Well, I mean, you must have been funny as a kid.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Nobody. Nobody gets funny at 20.

[B]

That's interesting, because I never thought I was funny. I was always being serious, and people.

[A]

Would laugh, and I said, you must intimidate the out of guys.

[B]

I don't know, really. I. I've heard that. But if you're intimidated by me, like, there's something wrong with you.

[A]

Well, this. Now you've hit on it.

[B]

That's on you. Like, you know, I'm not going to.

[A]

But that's most people. Most people Are not secure.

[B]

You know, I'm not secure. That's why I got funny and get validation from strangers for a living. Like, we're like, what? Like, you don't get to be the insecure one in this scenario. I try to make drunk people laugh that don't think women are funny. And you're. And I still trying to get my dad. Dad to love me.

[A]

You got drunk. Were you playing?

[B]

Not always. No. But like, yeah, when someone's like, yeah, I'm insecure and you bring out my insecurities.

[A]

Where are you going? Plug some of your dates that are coming up where you. You're always on the road. How many. How many dates a year do you do on the road?

[B]

Oh, gosh, I used to do so many more. This year I'm kind of, you know, easing back into this new hour. I think I'm doing 40 this year.

[A]

I think 40 or 50. That's what I did my last few years was 40.

[B]

I heard you were taking some time off from stand up.

[A]

I'm not never going back.

[B]

Never.

[A]

No. I always said I'm not making any announcement or anything, but, like, I made it no secret, you know, I have Nothing booked for 20, 25, and half the year into it. I'm really glad I did it. I mean, as much as I do miss it, it's also, like, great to have my weekends here to myself and not like, I get up now on Saturday and I'm like, oh, I'm glad I'm not chasing a plane. Always late for the sky. And, you know, I do love all the cities of this country that have been so good to me and all those years. But I, you know, I love here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, and, you know, just, you have to accept your different phases in life and also being able to do a monologue every week on real time. When I start the show, that scratches the itch of doing standup, because it is standup and it's actually a lot more. You know, these are jokes I've never done before. And you get to a point where, you know, I love doing my act, but jokes I've done a hundred times, it becomes a little like sex you've done a hundred times. It's still good when they laugh, but, you know, it's just.

[B]

You're hate fucking them a little. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

So, you know, I don't miss that. It's funny. I only ever did, like, Friday, Saturday, I mean, Saturday, Sunday, because I was here always Friday doing real time. So Saturday, Sunday, and like, the first night, my act wasn't in my head enough, so I was like, oh, I could have been better because I didn't remember it, you know? And then the second night, I was bored.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I went right from it. I don't know it well enough, so I know it too well.

[B]

Like, I'm like, phoning it in.

[A]

Not phoning it in, but just like, yeah, I know that joke and I know how it works.

[B]

I think that also with how we've recently all had the epiphany that comedians aren't the only people that are fun. Like, some of the funniest memes I see, I'm like, that's not a professional comedian. That's not even a right. That guy works at H and R Block.

[A]

Like, who is this guy who wrote we too low?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Come on, give me a break.

[B]

Unclear. And so now you're like, oh, not only do I have this joke that I think is original, I have to tell it pretty quick because someone else might get to it, you know?

[A]

Is that right? Is that how you feel?

[B]

That's how I see doing specials now as well. So I'll probably do another hour special soon of just kind of evergreen stuff that's super specific to me, but, like, stuff that's somewhat topical at all I will shoot and, like, put on social media because I'm like, I have an original. Yeah. Because if I wait six months, someone might get to this insight or someone might have talked about it too much, or it might just feel, like, irrelevant or like an old clip.

[A]

That is one thing I never have to worry about. Like, sometimes, you know, when I. We think of the editorial that I'm going to do, like Friday night, eight days before we pick out the topic. And sometimes I think, oh, wow, is somebody else going to say this about, you know, Puff Daddy and Cassie? That one that so many people wanted to talk about. Like, is somebody else going to make this point? Nobody ever does.

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

Oh, interesting. I just. It just. I worry about it, and then it's just like, I'm like, why am I worrying about this? People just don't think that way, you know? Know, I mean, some people. And if they do, they can't make it funny.

[B]

Yeah, there you go.

[A]

But usually they just. They just don't.

[B]

Like, you definitely go to places people are probably afraid to touch maybe a little bit. And that's a key to being.

[A]

Or just don't think that way or don't see it that way.

[B]

Yep. You know, you got a lot of feedback on the Cassie Thing, huh?

[A]

Yeah, but I mean, there was no there there. You know, to my view. I mean, it's like. Yeah, the big feedback was, you know, Bill, the most dangerous time for a woman to leave is time in a relationship is when she's leaving. Yeah. And the most dangerous time to get out of prison is when you're escaping. But what is the alternative? So you're being abused, you're gonna have to leave at some point. Why is that relevant? Yes, of course. What's the alternative? Stay in the abusive relationship forever? Because that's the only alternative. So if you don't take into account that point, then we're just. You're just talking about your feelings.

[B]

And I see I'm, you know, with a lot of that logic.

[A]

How is it your child affected your love life?

[B]

As Fox News, they.

[A]

Is the father in the picture?

[B]

Not with the father of my son. White trash till I die. And, you know, I.

[A]

But on good terms.

[B]

Great terms.

[A]

Really.

[B]

It's so great. It's actually so great. I just grew up around so much divorce and around so much acrimony. I just didn't want to bring a child in.

[A]

You were drunks. Your parents were drunks.

[B]

Correct. I mean, just. I didn't want him to see any of that. So. I live in la, so there's no fathers or husbands here, you know. So I found. I mean, I was dating a girl before I met the father of my son.

[A]

Really?

[B]

I don't think I'm gay. I just. The men in LA are so effeminate at this point that dating a woman's like, the most straight thing you can do. So I was all over the place, and I had just kind of resigned. I was like, I guess I'm not having a kid. Like, I didn't figure it out fast enough. Cause I could never figure out the marriage part of it. Like, that always just weirded me out.

[A]

Did you ever date a celebrity? I can't remember now. I'm too stoned.

[B]

Peter Berg, director.

[A]

Oh, I love him.

[B]

He's awesome.

[A]

I was just at a Laker game.

[B]

He's awesome. He's so awesome.

[A]

I could see you two together. He's a smart guy, very attractive. Makes amazing movies. I mean, American. What was it called?

[B]

And they get better and better. The one, the Primeval.

[A]

Primeval.

[B]

He just did Primeval, was a genius. And then he did Painkiller before that about the fentanyl crisis in West Virginia.

[A]

He did the Kingdom.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

I mean, he's good.

[B]

Yep. He's lone survivor. Lone survivor. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, and what happened there?

[B]

You know, I was too young to understand because I had grown up. When you grew up in alcoholic home, you develop like you're a parentified child and you have to take care of the adults. And so you don't know that when you become an adult that you don't have to caretake other adults. So I think I, you know, struggled with like, oh, I need to help you. I need to like this people pleasing stuff where it's like, he's Pete Burke, he's totally fine. Like, I thought I had to like help and fix. I thought that's what love looked like, you know, and so I just, you know, it was just, I think, chaotic because I wasn't just fully like healed yet and my mom had just had a stroke, my dad had a stroke. Like, it was just a little chaotic.

[A]

Yeah. I didn't know him well, but he seemed like a real piece of work. He may have needed fixing. Okay, so you may.

[B]

I mean, I was right. Don't get me wrong.

[A]

And I've been wrong and I like him.

[B]

I know. It's like my love would have fixed him. I don't know why I was. I mean, it was like that thing when you, you know, before, you know, to just accept a man where they are. Women are trained. Women are trained to go, I love you. Now let's get to work. All right, let's go. It's like, what?

[A]

That's so funny.

[B]

That's what I was trained. That's what you're supposed to think. The level of self, like man hating that is like you're 60% there now. What is that? You know, here's your cologne and here's your manicurist. And then you. And then, then you're like, who are you? I don't even know you anymore. It's like, yeah, you changed. Yeah, because you changed me.

[A]

I may have said this here somewhere to somebody, but I used to have this answer I gave when they asked me if I wasn't ever married. And I would say, I don't want the government involved in my love life. Which is still a good answer, but I recently thought of a better one. Because women are a lot, period. And I don't have to explain more than that. I'm not saying men aren't, but I don't date men, so it's not relevant to me. They're just a lot. I certainly can have the right to just say I don't want a lot. I'm willing to sacrifice whatever I'm here's.

[B]

What I'll say about that is some women, I think, are a lot. But I think that a lot of the women that have that reputation are the ones that you. Girls without girlfriends are a lot. They're a problem. There's two kinds of girls. Girls that have girlfriends and girls that don't have girlfriends. And girls that have girlfriends, those are the mentally healthier ones. You know, there's, like, this thing now where girls will brag about being like, yeah, I just. Girls are jealous of me. I'm friends with guys.

[A]

You're like, oh, what, you think we don't hear that?

[B]

That's what I'm saying. Like, girls that have girlfriends, they get their emotional needs met. Other places, they get humbled. Like, girls that have girlfriends, they don't talk about astrology. Like, we don't play that shit. Like, if one of my girlfriends was, you know, like, the mercury's in retrograde. I'm like, no, bitch, you've always been dumb. This is not mercury. You've never been able to find your purse. You're an alcoholic.

[A]

You're not a Scorpio. It's a mercury, but it went to your brain.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. It's the mercury from all the sushi that the rich guy paid for that. Now you're stalking and driving around his house. So we don't. So, like, Ryan Reynolds just lost his. Seems like. Got a. Took a big public hit. Cause Ryan Reynolds, you know, he married someone that's not a girl's girl. Girls, Girls.

[A]

Oh, I see.

[B]

You don't have to worry about. But the girls that don't have girlfriends, they're a problem.

[A]

That's a crazy story.

[B]

They're a lot, because they come to you for all their emotional needs. Whereas I'm in a relationship with someone. I'm like, oh, I'm gonna go hang out with my girlfriends. I'm gonna go. I'm not gonna dump it all on you. You're not gonna hear anything about how upset that thing made me because it had nothing to do with you. I'm an event with my friends.

[A]

What do you think of that whole Blake Lively thing? Co host on WJM Morning Radio. What do you think of.

[B]

I just think blondes are unstoppable.

[A]

And I feel like she. She looked like she was going down for the count and then got saved by that ruling from a judge who, like, came out against him. And then suddenly the narrative was just, like, completely flipped. Blake, like this. There's no nuance in these assholes. The way they write you Just like, she won. He lost everything. We heard before. It doesn't matter. And this is one guy's opinion, one judge.

[B]

Defamation's really hard to prove, right? It's really hard to prove lost income over defamation and blasphemy or slander or whatever it was. Cause I think it was about also to Ryan Reynolds that he based a character on Deadpool. I think his lawsuit with Marvel or whoever is still there because they based a character on him, and that's his intellectual property. Oh, like they based the annoying guy in Deadpool on Justin Baldoni.

[A]

The whole thing was about that. He was sticking his tongue in his wife's mouth.

[B]

That too. That, too. Also that. But that's Hollywood, baby. Oh, the judge was just like, it's Hollywood, baby. I don't know.

[A]

I just.

[B]

My thing is, like, you're all actors. Can you act like you're adults?

[A]

Can you act like you can shoot a movie? If I was a regular person out there, luckily, I'm mere and not regular at all, I would be so disappointed that, like, even the movie stars, their marriages are no better.

[B]

They're alliances.

[A]

They have petty jealousies. And it's like, they act like, I mean, you're Ryan Reynolds. You can get any chick in the world, like, but you're obsessed that, like, some guys like doing a movie.

[B]

He broke up with Alanis Morissette. That's all I need to know.

[A]

Oh, that was a long time.

[B]

I know. I'm just saying, coolest person on the planet to me, and I'm like, if you couldn't make it to me, Alanis Morsett.

[A]

Because you were a teenager when her songs were.

[B]

Yes, I'm obsessed with her. Like, also, why didn't it work out with Scarlett Johansson? She wasn't good enough for, like.

[A]

You don't know what people are like behind the scenes.

[B]

I know exactly.

[A]

No, you don't.

[B]

I'm a witch.

[A]

That may be true, but when you're a good witch, you're a funny witch, I'll tell you.

[B]

But what I'm saying is, like, I actually take a lot of pity, and I'm the person who always gets in trouble when I make excuses for someone's, you know, behavior on a set or whatever. Like, if Blake Lively was like, you know, if she was triggered by something he did or upset. Like, you know, when people haven't had real trauma, little things that may not be traumatic to you probably are traumatic to them, you know? And, like, I have a girlfriend who's like, hardcore Nepo baby, and she will Be like, I'm in traffic and I can't get there, so I'm just going to turn around. And I'm like, cool, I talk to you later. And she's like, I feel like you're not being sensitive. And the traffic, I'm like, like, literally everyone that is in traffic around you is in $40,000 of debt and doesn't have health care. And you think this might be the hardest thing that's ever happened to you.

[A]

Actually, now imagine you're a guy in a relationship with a girl. I have to imagine, okay, not that I ever would be, but when I was like, 30, I might be. Because when you're young, you put up with anything. You know, first of all, you have to.

[B]

But also, some guys love that you're kind of a rare case. A lot of guys love rescuing a girl. I call it emotional pedophilia. Because I'm. This person is emotionally a child. And you're like, I'm gonna rescue her and she's in debt and she doesn't have a place to live. I'm like, can you handle the homeless problem then? A lot of guys like to feel needed. It makes sense. Powerful.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

A lot of guys love a lot. They love a mess. It's an adrenaline addiction. It recreates their childhood circumstances. Like, mommy, Mommy.

[A]

I know. I never liked it. I put up with it only because I was trying to get laid or because I was with a girl and thought, oh, I'm never going to get anybody else, you know, not. Not as good, you know, like, so, like, I better stick with this. So I put up with shit, but it's not like I liked it.

[B]

Do you think they sensed on some level that they like. I. I do think a lot of times we're always trying to figure out if we're safe or not. And we're like, testing. Do you think on any level those women sense that you were like, ah, I'm not really into this person anyway.

[A]

I was totally in.

[B]

And their personality ruined it.

[A]

But no, I mean, but, you know, there was much more to put up with. You know, as you get older, you. It's one of the great things about aging. There's bad things, but one of the great things is you put up with less. Put up. I mean, I put up with shit I didn't like so much more.

[B]

Like someone going through your phone, 20.

[A]

30, 40, every one, I could say, oh, now, I mean, I'm almost 70 at 7. I put up with nothing. I don't like nothing. You know, and really, I've only known two girlfriends in my life, you know, who. Where there was nothing I had to put up with. No notes.

[B]

Right. You want to know something?

[A]

No fighting. No.

[B]

You want to know something crazy? Crazy? Well, first of all, number three is my robot. No fighting. Women got this message. I don't know where this came from. And I had a guy explain to me how insane it was that I had this belief system which is like, oh, no, you date me when you want, like, a challenge. Like, oh, you want a girl who can, like, give it back to you and give you shit. Like, that's a rumor that was going around.

[A]

I'm saying that about you.

[B]

No, there was a rumor going around that, like, men like, strong women or something.

[A]

A rumor.

[B]

I know. That's what I'm saying. So who told us that? Another. I don't know where it came from. Like, it's unclear.

[A]

It's like chemtrail. It's just ridiculous.

[B]

I was, like, dating this guy. This was like, 10 years ago. And I was kind of like, and then one. And then one and then one. And he was just like, what is all this? And I was like, well, I'm the one you date when you want a challenge. And she was like. He was like, what man would ever want a challenge? And I was like, oh, I thought not. This was how I show you I love you. Or I'm showing. I'm investing. Or this is. Relationships take work, and we're working. Like, there's all these, like, weird little.

[A]

Some do. Some guys like a challenge, but it's usually, like, the pretty boys because it just comes so easy to them. So that, you know.

[B]

Or, like, the sex is the makeup. They fight, so they have the makeup sex. It's like, you can have good sex without it being makeup sex. Like, sex. All of the terms are like, I'm gonna beat it up.

[A]

I'm gonna.

[B]

They're so violent.

[A]

Are your parents still women?

[B]

No, no, no, no. Both. Both had strokes and died.

[A]

Oh, that's okay.

[B]

I mean, but they. My mom lived for 10 years in a facility, like, not being able to function. So I think someone like me goes, I would love a robot who can, like, hand you a drink. You know what I mean? I'm like, ah, God, I have to drive all the way down the nursing home to, like, like, unscrew her water bottle. Like, can we get a robot in there? You know? So I think that when you've been.

[A]

In the medical care system, that will happen sooner than later.

[B]

People will thank God Neuralink didn't exist. They're like, we're going to. To have stroke victims talk. So my mom could be like, honey, more lip gloss. Like, I don't want to hear what. Some people don't want to know what their toxic parent has to say.

[A]

But they will fight. They will be fighting back. They will be fighting back. They're going to get you the drink. But I mean, already. Already I'm afraid. And other people are afraid to, like, talk shit around their. Their AI.

[B]

Oh, that's why you got to throw them off the trail.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

You don't do that. Oh. Oh, Bill. So if you have, like an Alexa around you or something, because, you know, they're your insurance company. Everyone's.

[A]

Listen. I wouldn't.

[B]

But yeah, you have to just be like, you know, Alexa, how much kale is too much. Like, you have to. You have to say things to throw it off that aren't true.

[A]

I hope this is a bit. No, because I hope that we're not really living in this world where you're putting on airs in front of a robot.

[B]

Yeah, but it's. All the information's going to go. You can't be like Alexa or order cigarettes. You have to go back to buying drugs in cash. You can't do it.

[A]

You just not have Alexa in the house. That would be nice.

[B]

I don't have an Alexa. Are you insane?

[A]

No, of course not. But many people do.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you think this is what they do?

[B]

That was my suggestion. When people are like, I'm whispering. People come over. They're like.

[A]

They do.

[B]

Yeah, they do that. I guess to. Around Alexis, people like, I'm like, this is mental.

[A]

What else do the common people do? You got to tell me. Me, I see them get in this long, but.

[B]

By the way, the common people don't give a about, like, take my data. What do you. Take my data.

[A]

Yeah, they don't care. They don't care about.

[B]

Dude, they still. There's still a book with everyone's phone numbers and home addresses. No, they would just leave it at your house.

[A]

Yeah, but. But most people. At a certain point. We had that for years. At a certain point when the phone book was still coming. It was near its demise, but cops were still using it to beat suspects. Okay, but there was a point where you'd get the phone book, and it did have numbers, but anybody who was anybody was unlisted.

[B]

Sure. Yeah. Fair. I just.

[A]

This whole thing of you were still in the phone book. You were, but also you were a Loser.

[B]

When people. Yes, but there were some that was just like, Brian. You're like, who's this Brian?

[A]

But you really were.

[B]

But also, I feel maybe I'm just the kind of person who publicly broadcasts my worst decisions, so I don't have to be worried about my private decisions.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

Because it's like, when you see somebody who's like, the Alexa, I'm like, you just posted yourself doing Kratom on Joe Rogan's show, the biggest show in the world, and you're worried about privacy in your home. Like, what's going on over there? You know, like.

[A]

Like you don't want. Like, now that you have a kid, you do care about privacy. I bet.

[B]

Like, photos of him. I do get pushback where people like, you put photos of him online.

[A]

You shouldn't. You know, a kid should not be brought into that.

[B]

And you don't think what we used to do was worse? We would take a child to Olin Mills in the mall to take a photo with some weirdo.

[A]

We did what? I didn't do this. What do you mean?

[B]

Your parents never took you to Olin Mills in the mall? There was a photo studio where you would take a kid.

[A]

I was never in a mall with a parent. I can honestly say they would put.

[B]

Us on Santa's lap, who was some wino at the mall, and take a photo. I feel like taking a photo at home and putting on the Internet is the least weird thing we've done with kids in photos, dude. My dad used to have. Do you remember take your daughter to work day?

[A]

Yeah, sure. They still have it, don't they?

[B]

So you're just gonna parade us around at your office? That's not weird.

[A]

It was a. Well, I mean, it was a way to try to encourage girls to see that. I mean, this is going back to.

[B]

All of your dad's friends are creeps.

[A]

I wonder work that, you know, the workplace is for women, too. That it's.

[B]

You know, thanks so much.

[A]

I know, but we were coming out of an era where women didn't generally work like that, you know, I mean, you've seen Matt.

[B]

Dads were like, can we work from home? Like, we were parading around dad's office as a kid.

[A]

This is the Mary Richards era, you know, working women. I mean, there was a moment in American history where that was kind of like, oh, a working woman. It's like, he's a doctor, by the way.

[B]

It's literally like porn searches. Like, ooh, really? Boss lady. Oh, she works in the Office. Like what? It's like a sexual fetish. That's how. Well, not seriously it's taken.

[A]

Yes. I notice on pornhub, I mean, I hear there's a category like the categories. And I don't look at anything weird. I'm just not. I'm not bragging. I just don't have fetishes like that. But just like the regular menu. Of course, as everyone knows, a lot, a lot of stepsister. Like, it must be because there are so many broken homes and so many, you know, brothers steps that this is a. Okay, I get that one. Then this one, like real. Real estate lady showing a house. And it's like, it's like this apparently is a big thing and of course, you know, blows the client.

[B]

I guess porn is a fantasy. And what's a bigger fantasy right now than being able to buy a home. Home.

[A]

And get blown while you're. Most people get blown while you're doing it. I mean, I could. I bought homes. I've never been blown while I was in the selling. Buying.

[B]

I feel like most people watching, they're like, ah, they. He's gonna buy a house. Like, get this blow job out of here. What's the price? Like, it's, you know, something you're never going to be able to achieve.

[A]

Okay, all right, I'm gonna.

[B]

Oh, we're out of here. Okay. Okay, let's go.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Do we say goodbye? And that was. That's your show.

[A]

Oh, did you want to plug dates jing.com?

[B]

No.

[A]

No. Where are you going?

[B]

No, I don't care at all. No.

[A]

Well, like, what cities are you going? Here's my thing. What cities are you going to?

[B]

Arkansas, Virginia.

[A]

Wait, Arkansas is not a city.

[B]

Oh, that's a state I'm going to too. But here, Alabama, Arkansas, a bunch. But here's what I'll say with all this. I'm like, you know how to find me if you don't. If you need me to tell you my show on, don't come. If you can't figure it out yourself, please don't come.

[A]

You're one of the 8 million passing the marquee.

[B]

Or like you're not gonna be able to find parking. You're gonna be the person that heckles. Like, if someone needs this much help, like, you know where to find me. You know what to do.

[A]

Not exactly a publicist dream for plugging things.

[B]

I'm just saying I can't like, subscribe. Smash the like button. I can't do. I'm one of the comedians that it still has changed. I believe in shame. I am pro shame. There's some things I do not want to heal. I would like to stay ashamed. I cannot do it. If you don't want to see me Good. I'm. Don't. Don't.

[A]

I do.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

I used to love playing those states. The redder, the better.

[B]

The best. The best.

[A]

Thank you so much for my present.

[B]

You're welcome. Oh, she has a lazy eye. She has Bell's palsy. That's tough.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Oh, she got too many boosters. Yeah, we're gonna need to brush her up.

[A]

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