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Bert Kreischer
This is Julian Edelman from Games With Names. Now let's get into the serious stuff. We're talking football food, specifically Daisy French Onion Dip. These are so delicious. They're like homemade dips made with real herb and spices. Also made with some Daisy Sour Cream. Daisy Sour Cream is a long standing staple for Taco Tuesday. They also have Daisy Ranch diploma. So get out there and give Daisy French Onion Dip a try. You will not regret it.
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Bert Kreischer
The new era of UFC on Paramount comes out swinging. Highlight machine Justin Gaethje collides with Paddy the Baddie Pimblet in a must see high octane main event. Plus Sean Suga o' Malley faces off against Sonya Dong in a stand up war filled with high level striking. Pay per view just got knocked out. Stream UFC 324 live on January 24th only on Paramount. Visit paramountplus.com UFC to get started. One of the best days of my life was when Katt Williams knew who I was. Katt walks up to me goes, you a goddamn rock star.
Shannon Sharpe
Bert Kreischer.
Bert Kreischer
I've been tired to take my shirt off for years. They won't even let me wear a vest. All my life Been grinding all my life Sacrifice hustle paid the price Want a slice? Got to roll a dice all my life I been grinding all my life all my life Been grinding all my life Sacrifice hustle paid the price wanna slice, got the rolling dice that's why all my life I've been grinding all my life.
Shannon Sharpe
Hello, welcome to another episode of Club Shay Shay. I am your host Shannon Sharp. I'm also a proud of Club Shay Shay. Stopping by for conversation on the Drink today is one of the best storytellers of his generations. One of the top grossing standup comics in the business. He's performed in sold out arenas around the globe. A world renowned podcaster, a powerhouse entrepreneur who's built a media empire. A celebrated movie star, producer, actor, writer, host, content creator, a husband and a dad and he's a Florida State alum. One of the greatest partiers of all time. The Machine. Bert Kreischer.
Bert Kreischer
Bert. Thank you. Thank you.
Shannon Sharpe
Is that you?
Bert Kreischer
That's you? It doesn't sound. When you read it, I was like, gotta be somebody else. Yeah, that's sounds like a lot, but.
Shannon Sharpe
Yeah, tell us about this one. Cause you walked in, he's like, hold on, who? I got a stylist now. I gave you a price point. This is not the price point that we agreed upon. Who in the hell signed off on this?
Bert Kreischer
You get a stylist and you. And I didn't know that you're paying for these clothes. They bring in clothes and they line them up, and I'm like, put it on. You like it. And I got tactile issues, so. Feel that. That's so nice.
Shannon Sharpe
Ooh, yeah.
Bert Kreischer
And then today I put it on and the price tag's on. And I went, who paid for this? This is like. I remember you could buy cars for this.
Shannon Sharpe
Exactly.
Bert Kreischer
And then you wear it. And I'm gonna wear it all the time. I'm gonna out. I'm. You're gonna see me on every podcast.
Shannon Sharpe
Nah, nah, you can't do that.
Bert Kreischer
I can wear this once.
Shannon Sharpe
Yeah, one time. One time. I mean, you at the stage now, you get an out because of who you are. If you wear it again, people go like, man, I saw him with that on Club Shay Shay. You like, I don't give a l. I' ma work on somebody else's podcast.
Bert Kreischer
Oh, my God. Yeah, I'm gonna wear the shit out of this, man.
Shannon Sharpe
But thank you for coming on Club Shay Shay.
Bert Kreischer
Are we really drinking?
Shannon Sharpe
Yeah, we gotta do, buddy.
Bert Kreischer
This is. This is my dream. I ran into you two Super Bowls ago, and right when you started Club Shay Shay. Yeah. I was walking right by you. You forget how big grown men are until you see them in person. And I scared the shit out of you. I went, Club Shay Shay. And you went, huh? And I was like, oh, big fan. And you're like, okay. And you just kept walking right by. Cheers, brother.
Shannon Sharpe
Cheers to you.
Bert Kreischer
That's nice. Is this you?
Shannon Sharpe
Yeah, that's me. You live in la.
Bert Kreischer
I do.
Shannon Sharpe
So good. We gonna send you home with a bottle.
Bert Kreischer
Okay.
Shannon Sharpe
So let's talk about your new show on Netflix, Freebird.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
Shannon Sharpe
You have to change from who you naturally are. How hard was it for you? Or is it hard or you can just jump in and out of characters?
Bert Kreischer
No, it's not. First of all, it's not hard for me because I only play one character when I act, and it's mert. Yeah. I don't audition for anything. I create the project and I play it in the Machine, my movie. I play Bert. Okay. And in this one, I play Bert. And they're all pulled. It's just like, stand up. It's pulled from my real life experience. I've always had an identity crisis because I do have this moniker in this lifestyle that kind of precedes me of, like, I party, I take my shirt off, I get wild. But then I am also a dad. And I'm like, I am a husband. And so. And, you know, when I was a young father, I was not successful, and we were one of the poor parents at the school. And you'd see parents that had, like, nice cars and nice watches, and they'd come in. In a suit, and I was in gym shorts and a cutoff sweatshirt with flip flops. And I always had this, like, I never fit in. I'd see people. I mean, you've been making money for a long time. I'd go into people's houses and go, how the hell do you afford this? Right? Like, what's gotta happen in my life for me to be able to buy a house? And so that's this story is this identity crisis that I had when I brought my girls into this new school. And everyone was. And I was trying to fit in. And when I try to fit in, I up so bad. So bad.
Shannon Sharpe
Like, so how have you changed over time? Has been. Burt. Has it allowed you? Because you say you pulled from your previous experiences. So you know what it's like to not have to all of a sudden. You know what it's like to have an abundance. And so now who is the real Bert Kirchner?
Bert Kreischer
I have no idea. I have zero idea. I literally, I. You know, I'm going through identity. I'm always going through some sort of. I'm very introspective. I'm in therapy, and I'm trying to figure things out. And one of the things that was hard for me, and I don't know if you felt this, but when you got to the NFL and you get your first big check, and then you watch the way people spend money.
Shannon Sharpe
Yes.
Bert Kreischer
And you're like, well, I guess I'm supposed to spend money like that. And now we all got rich at the same time, me and my friends.
Shannon Sharpe
Okay.
Bert Kreischer
And you know who my friends are. But. And I watched them buy expensive cars and expensive watches and wear suits. They all started wearing suits. And then they build, invest in businesses. I have a buddy right now who has A croissant shop.
Shannon Sharpe
Wow.
Bert Kreischer
What the fuck? New comedian. He has a croissant shop in Austin, Texas. He found a guy that makes croissants, moved him and his family to Austin to start a croissant shop. But then I watched them become entrepreneurs, and I was just a guy who just wanted to make enough money to have a good house for his family. I'm usually jeans, flip flops, and a T shirt. And I had a hard time coming to terms with, for lack of better words, what kind of millionaire I wanted to be. Cause I really just. I didn't want for anything. I don't care about cars. I only started buying watches. My friends were buying watches. So, like, I.
Shannon Sharpe
It's addictive, too.
Bert Kreischer
I've watched. I've looked at your watches on this show.
Shannon Sharpe
It's a very expensive habit to have.
Bert Kreischer
Yes, it is, but. So I think I'm always kind of a little bit out of an identity crisis of, like. But I think that's also being a comedian, you're always introspective. You're always inside. You're always trying to figure out what my angle is. Cause I think if I'm honest with things, then that translates to the audience, because I think they can deal with it. So I'm always trying to figure out who I am. I have no idea.
Shannon Sharpe
I've heard a lot of people say they kind of feel guilty that once they come into a large sum of money and the people around you, they treat you different. Because even though you're the same bird, like you said, flip flops, shorts, and a T shirt, you're not that same guy. No, you're not that same guy. So it's not that you've changed. The people just treat you different. And sometimes I just. I feel guilty that God, the Lord has blessed me with so much, and they don't have. And, like, how am I supposed to act? How do I. How do I act around them now?
Bert Kreischer
There was a great show. I don't know who made this. There was a great show called Survivor's Remorse, okay. About a young. Does anyone remember this show? LeBron produced it, and it was brilliant. And I went through that. When I got successful, I started doing theaters was the first big step. Then you'd go to the club and you'd see your buddies that didn't have the success. And it's almost like those dudes who come back from war, and then they're laying in their pool and they're going, think of all the guys that didn't come back and sometimes you have success and then you go back to the club and you're like, God, man, it was weird. Cause I never changed. I never changed. But people see you as change. They see you as like, oh, I remember going to the club and there was this comedian was like, oh, I didn't know you still did comedy clubs. I thought you just did stadiums. And I was like, why can't you just say hi to me? Jesus. And that guy knows who he is, and so does the Internet. And so everything changes around you. And my podcast changed. Yes. Because I used to sit with comics and just bullshit. And then all of a sudden, comics would come on my podcast and they'd be like. Like an idiot. I did my podcast at my house. My house was nice. And they'd be like, so how do I get this? And they'd ask the things I did to sell tickets. How did you sell tickets when you first started selling tickets? What was the big key when you get ready for a special? Because I prepared my specials differently. I kind of worked the algorithm and I looked at Netflix and I put my closer at 22 minutes, and I front loaded everything. And Netflix shared that with everyone. And so comics would come. And my podcast got really inside baseball about people more, asking me how I got where I was. And it, in my opinion, it got less interesting.
Shannon Sharpe
Right.
Bert Kreischer
Because I don't think.
Shannon Sharpe
Well, I don't really care to talk about me. I brought you to come on my podcast to talk about you.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. And. But it's a young comic. Yes. Going like. Going like, how do I get here? And I think we did that to Joe. I think Joe is a little more relatable. I think Joe's always kind of. He's always shut that conversation down. But I remember going to Joe's house the first time and being like, what the. I was like, dude. And then you get high with him, and you're high as shit in this house. You're like. You're like, dude, there's three wolves next door that you, like, you got. This is. You have a deprivation tank. And like. But Joe is. Joe's always. Joe's a really great interviewer. So he always kept it at arm's distance.
Shannon Sharpe
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Bert Kreischer
You know, it's a great question. So initially what they did is they tried to write an article about Florida State. Okay? They wanted to write an article about the party school. So this guy, Eric Hedegaard called up Florida State, called like the five heads of different organizations and said if you, if I could spend one time with one guy that would give me a broad stroke of the school, who would it be? I had happened to, to party with all of those guys the night before. So they were all hungover when they got that call and half of them thought it was me pranking them, right? So they all said my name. And then he called me and I was in the middle of taking a bong hit and I was. And he was like, he was like, he was like, if I could spend a week with you and I just want to learn about the school, I want to see about the school. And I was like, yeah. I exhaled. I was like, yeah. And he was like, are you taking a bong hit? I was like, yeah, I'm playing frisbee golf. And I was like, sure, show up whenever. And he partied with me for a week. And then when they wrote the article about Florida State, it didn't make sense. And the editor, I think his name was Yalin Werner, said, let's just make it about this kid. Let's just make it about this kid. Cause he seems pretty interesting. And I think I was, I was an open book. I've always been an open book. My policy with everything with podcasting, with Stand up has always been over, tell the truth, over, share. And when People go, that's too much information. I go, not until you start gagging. That's when. And so I overshared with this guy. And so we changed the article and it was about me and it changed my life overnight. I mean, I went from a kid who had no idea what he was going to do with his life to.
Shannon Sharpe
All of a sudden, you knew.
Bert Kreischer
I had said in the article, I said I wanted to do standup and I had dads I respected that I grew up with, like some of my friends, dads and my uncle and my dad call me and go, if you don't take this opportunity to go for your dreams now, you're going to regret it your whole life. You're going to look back and go, I never took enough swings. And so I said, screw it. I moved to New York. I moved to New York and was with no idea. I did stand up once in Tallahassee, right? I did 20 minutes. After four comics that knew how to do stand up, I did 20 minutes. I was probably the funniest that night that I'll ever be in my entire life. Wow. I was so raw. And then I moved to New York and I was like, screw it. I just, you know, when you're ignorant, there's no better feeling than just going like, screw it, I'll move to New York.
Shannon Sharpe
You don't know what you don't know.
Bert Kreischer
You have no idea. It's bliss. Just going like. And then I moved to New York and that's when the work started.
Shannon Sharpe
Did Oprah reach out to you?
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, Oprah reached out. She reached out and wanted to have me, but she wanted to have my parents on the show too. And my parents were like, yes. But I was like, I think, I don't think it's gonna be a good interview. I don't think I'm.
Shannon Sharpe
That was their time to shine. They wanted to shine. They wanted some spotlight.
Bert Kreischer
Oprah reached out and was like, we'd love to have you on, but we want your parents on and my mom.
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Bert Kreischer
Would have totally done it and then just taken a bullet for me. Yeah, but it was. You know, in hindsight I look back and I'm like I'm glad I didn't do it.
Shannon Sharpe
Really.
Bert Kreischer
There's a lot I'm glad I didn't do in that time and then kind of just focused and fell in love with stand up and learned stand up.
Shannon Sharpe
Right. So a six year student. Were you trying to be a professional student? What were your parents saying? Like, son, are you coming out of school? Are you gonna graduate at any point in time, it's okay to leave.
Bert Kreischer
First of all, it was six and a half years. And second of all, no, it was. First of all, it was like state schools. It was a state school. It was like, what, $50 of credit. So what is it, like $700? For a semester?
Shannon Sharpe
For a semester.
Bert Kreischer
Rent was $100.
Shannon Sharpe
Right.
Bert Kreischer
I mean, we're talking. I'd get 20 bucks. I made like 20 bucks doing. I did safe escort where I walked chicks around campus. And I made. And I was like rolling in cash. I make 20 bucks a night, I think, and I was rolling in cash. Life was so great back then. Yes. I mean, for like.
Shannon Sharpe
It's so simple.
Bert Kreischer
For like $3,000, my semester was covered. Right. And that's generous. I mean, books. I didn't get books. What? Are you kidding? I'm not gonna get books. I'm barely going to classes. Yeah, I was just like, I'll figure it out. I'll figure it out. No one ever pushed me to go, what are you gonna do? And then the article, the Rolling Stone article came out and I was like, I'll just graduate. I literally was like, I'll just graduate this semester. And so I just graduated. I had enough credits.
Shannon Sharpe
Had the article not come out. Are you gonna stay seven years? Maybe seven and a half?
Bert Kreischer
If the article hadn't come out, I would have stayed. I definitely would have stayed another semester. Another semester. I was semester by semester. I mean, I would go a semester and then drop it halfway through. I'd be like, I got a head injury. Drop it. And then. But no, I would have stayed. I just would have kept staying. And I wonder what would have happened. Like, sliding doors, you know, and you think, like, if you hadn't had that one coach for you or for me, that one Rolling Stone article, if that hadn't come out, I always think I'd probably be selling like boats in Orlando or like RVs in Ocala. Like something a fun, a luxury item that brings fun. But I would have been a great salesman.
Shannon Sharpe
What's your wildest story from Florida State, if you can remember it or are there too many to remember?
Bert Kreischer
I mean, there's, there's. I mean, there's, it's.
Shannon Sharpe
Is there anything that you don't remember?
Bert Kreischer
No, I. I remember a lot. You know, it's so funny. I hope this comes out right Before. Before I got into this business, I wasn't a self promoter.
Shannon Sharpe
Okay.
Bert Kreischer
When I was at Florida State, the fun thing was when someone told a story about you and you kind of barely remembered it, like, oh, yeah. And everyone laughed and like, dude, he's hysterical. Right? And then when I got into this business, I realized, if you're not promoting yourself, no one's promoting you.
Shannon Sharpe
Correct.
Bert Kreischer
And I watched it happen. I watched it happen with a few of my friends or guys that were more successful. They would talk about how great they were. I crushed on stage and this. And there was this. And I'm being honest, and it's not going to translate to people that know me now, but I was very humble in college, and I never talked about myself. I was wild, I was crazy, I did insane stuff. But I never told stories about me in college. And it wasn't until I got into stand up, where I started telling about me and talking about me and like, oh, me and my buddies took acid and went to Disneyland and, like, stuff like that. So it was a shift in my personality and I had to learn that. And I think, you know, I've done it, but it is still an uncomfortable place. And I know that sounds crazy coming from me, a very big self promoter, but before that, I wasn't that guy. It was like, people told stories about me, Right. And I had more of a lure about me, about what I had done and things I had done.
Shannon Sharpe
Well, because I think isn't the job of a comic is to take true life events about themselves or someone they know and make them funny?
Bert Kreischer
Yes.
Shannon Sharpe
So at that point in time, you're not a comedian, so you just think you're just a fun. You're just Burt Kreischer that everybody likes to hang around, get drunk, have a great time, smoke weed. Hey, we gonna go knock some mailbox down. We gonna go do some crazy stuff. So you're not really thinking that I could actually turn this into a job, an occupation, and make money out of it?
Bert Kreischer
The first time I realized I could do that was about a story about. I had a story about this fight that I had witnessed. And what I did is I took two fights that I had seen in college and I combined them and I told it on stage. And I remember this guy come up to me after the show and he was like, that was amazing. And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he goes, did that happen? And I go, yeah. And he was like, shut up. And then I was like, oh, wait, I can do that again. And the next Story I told was taking Disneyland, taking acid and going to Disneyland with my buddy Hutchin. Harper and I just told stories that were accurate. From that. Harper was not the brightest guy. I think he's in jail right now, but he was not the brightest guy.
Shannon Sharpe
Get out soon, Harper.
Bert Kreischer
He mistimed the marijuana legalization in Florida. Free Harper. And he one time misspelled his name Happer. For real. On a note, two P's. And we go, yo, Harp, you misspelled your name. And he goes, oh, that happens. I go, no, it doesn't. I've never misspelled my name. Burf. Catch you later, Burf. And Hutch was like this. Hutch was this guy. And that's when I think I really figured, started finding my voice. Hutch was this guy that every story he told was wild. I met him, we were playing disc golf, and I was throwing a stick, trying to get a Frisbee out of a tree. And he goes, if I were you, I'd be real careful. I said, what? And he goes, well, you know when you look up, your mouth automatically opens. And I was like, huh? And then I looked up, I was like, oh, yeah, it does. And he goes, yeah, sticks allowed to go right down your throat. I was like, huh? And he goes, it happened to me twice. And it did. When he was a kid, he threw a stick in the air and missed it and went, ah, I'm not gonna have to walk far for this stick. No, it looks like it's gonna, right? And so I just started taking these stories from my life and then plugging them on stage. And I was like, oh. But then I was like, I realized I gotta tell my own stories.
Shannon Sharpe
Yes.
Bert Kreischer
I gotta be the one telling stories. Yes.
Shannon Sharpe
The thing that happened to you, I gotta tell.
Bert Kreischer
The things that happened to me, I gotta tell. And I'm not a hot take guy. You won't hear me talking about Venezuela anytime soon. I'm not gonna talk to you about trans rights or any of that shit. That's not my thing. My thing is stories. And so I had to take all these things I accrued. I'd go home and hang out with my boys and I just. We'd sit and talk and I'd hear them tell stories. I'd be like, oh, shit, that'll work on stage. I gotta try that on st. I mean. And now it's like. I mean, my wife was like, when I had the best I ever was at stand up. And I think I'm still really good. I am. But when I had two Little kids at home, and it was all brand new to me. And I get a call from my wife. They're like, you're never gonna believe what your idiot daughter just did. And, I mean, she'd say it and I'd put it right on stage, right? And it would murder. And then you structure them. You learn more about standup, and you'd structure them and you'd place a thing here and then move this here and. Oh, man, it was like a gold. It was like the gold rush of comedy for me. That kid, Isla Kreischer, my youngest daughter, made me millions of dollars.
Shannon Sharpe
Wow.
Bert Kreischer
I mean, a million at one point. She told me a line one time that I thought was the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. It's in my new TV show, okay? The line is in my new TV show. I stole it from her and I put it in my new TV show. She said it to me and I said, and I put it in my act. And she goes, hey, you can't do that. And I went, why? She goes, it's. I said that to you? I didn't say that to the world. And I don't want the world knowing that I said that. And I went, yeah, but it's funny. She goes, it doesn't matter. It was between me and you. I said, I'll give you $10,000. And she goes, no. I said, I'll give you $50,000 for this line. It was such a good line. She goes, no, I said, isla, I'll give you $100,000 for this line. And she goes, buddy, when you die, I get all the money. That kid.
Shannon Sharpe
Why would I take $100,000 when I could get millions later?
Bert Kreischer
That kid goes through my Rolexes and earmarks, the ones she wants. There's little I's written on the back of them. And kids got good taste. I'm wearing one of her watches right now.
Shannon Sharpe
Oh, you got the platinum.
Bert Kreischer
Oh, yeah, Yeah, I see.
Shannon Sharpe
Why should I take. Why should I settle now? I can get all this. Yeah, but you told the story anyway, huh?
Bert Kreischer
Well, no, I took it out of the special.
Shannon Sharpe
You took it out?
Bert Kreischer
Cause it was such a good line. And then I put it in my TV show. I said that. I said it. But it's.
Shannon Sharpe
She said it.
Bert Kreischer
She said it. And it's like, who the, what 10 year old says this? It was such a wild line that I was like, isla. She was like, what? You're not thinking it. I went, no, I am now.
Shannon Sharpe
I am. I appreciate that.
Bert Kreischer
I took it on stage that night. I said it that night on stage at the store. I did this. We went to the. This. I'll tell you the line. I'll tell you. You gotta bleep it. Cause it's in. But it's in the new show. Just bleep the line. But I'll tell you the line. Okay, we're to. Right? I mean, this is a 10 year old saying this. We're towards this. And Leanne says, goes, how long is this? I go on. And I said, mom. I go, babe, how long is this? And she goes, four hours. I go, four hours. I go, we gotta stay for the whole thing. Ali goes, how long does she say? I go, I'll tell you, we have to stay for the whole thing. She goes, yeah, we gotta stay for the whole thing, George. I go, that's it. She goes, yeah. I goes, how long is it? I go, it's four hours, 10 years old. She goes, oh, where's a. When you need one?
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And then.
Bert Kreischer
And I go. I said, what the. She goes, what? You were not thinking the same thing? I go, no, I am now.
Shannon Sharpe
It never crossed my mind.
Bert Kreischer
And so I took it on stage that night. I went to the store that night. I told her on stage, and the room lost it. And I put it in that. Cause I tell that story of that, and I tell that, and I kept that line in. And then she heard it and she goes, yo, you gotta take that out. I was like, why, baby? It's so funny. She goes, I know, but I said that to you. She goes, I can't be the girl. Keep this in this kid. When she. She had a rule, she would come on, she. This media was different then. Kids would come onto the podcast and just start talking in the middle. They'd be, you know, they'd see, Joey Diaz is one of my best friends and they know him as Uncle Joey, real uncle. And they'd just come in and talk and they'd be on my Instagram. And I had this thing where she said, I'm gonna be. We're allowed to curse when we turn 16. And Leanne's like, that's not a rule. She goes, it's the rule, Mom. And she had said it enough that fans knew that at 16, Isla was gonna start cursing. So it's on her 16th birthday, we're having a party. They're sitting outside. I got my phone and I'm looking at fans. I wish Isla had a birthday. And all the fans comments are, what's her first curse? Word gonna be. So I put the camera on her and I go, isla, happy birthday. She was sitting right next to Leanne. They're eating. I go, hey, the fans wanna know what's your first curse word gonna be? And she looks at Leanne and looks at the camera and goes. And I go, awesome. I post it online that night. She wakes me up at like, two in the morning. She goes, take it offline. I said, what? She goes, take it offline. It's got 6 million views already. And I said, are you shitting me? She goes, dad, Dad, I will not be the cunt girl for the rest of my life. Cause that's all they would have done is, like, just taken the. I mean, she got caught shooting dice at school one time. What? She got caught shooting dice at school. And Leanne called me, the principal called. Leanne had to go pick her up. And Leanne called on the podcast, she goes, yo, I'm going to pick your daughter up. I go, I'm with Tom. I go, why? And she goes, your daughter got caught shooting dice at school. And I mean, this kid was a gold mine for me. And what's even better is her older sister. I had a really smart British comic. I forget his name, but he's really smart. He reads a lot. And he goes, can I tell you about your daughters? And I was like, yeah. And he goes, isla is your muse, but Georgia is your Jiminy Cricket. I don't know what the that means, but apparently Jiminy Cricket. I don't even know what that means. But, like, Georgia always was the one that would break down. Like, Isla, one time. George, Leandro, I just. We were just talking about this the other day. Both girls were home, and Leanne went to Vietnam, and I had to take care of both girls for, like, a week. And Georgia had the sense of humor. She goes, yo, you gonna check to see what your youngest daughter made for lunch? And I go, no, you guys take care of your own lunches. And she goes, you may wanna look now. Georgia's got the insight to see what's happening, right? I go, isla, what did you make for lunch? And she goes, bag of rice. I went, what? She goes, just a bag of rice. And Georgia goes, no, dad. She steams it extra long and throws it in her backpack and doesn't eat it with a fork or knife, just eats it with her hands. And she goes like she's building the railroads, dad. Like, what the. And I go, isla, don't you think that's missing something? And she goes, oh, soy sauce. And I was like, wait, what? But Georgia would see it, point it out to me, right? And then I would talk about it. I mean, Georgia, one time, one of the best stories I had for a long time was I closed on it on one of my specials was the girls for their birthdays are real close. The girls for their birthday wanted to take my parents to an escape room to watch my dad lose his shit. And one time, I'm on stage, I'm really focused on getting ready for a special, and I'm on stage, but I get a call from Georgia. She's in college. And so you always answer when your kids call? Yeah, I'm on stage. Even though you're on stage, you answer 100%. I answer if anyone calls on. On stage. Shaq called me. He was taking a shit. Facetimed me. That's true. Shaq. No, that's true. And there's probably a video of that. Shaq FaceTimed. Yo, what's up? I was like, what are you doing? I go, I'm on stage. He's like, hey, I'm taking a shit. So that's true. And so. But she goes. She goes, what are you talking about? And I said, I'm looking for a closer. And she goes, have you told the escape room story? And I said, no. What was it? And she goes, do you remember we went to the escape room, and it wasn't like in a strip mall. It was on Lankershim. And I was like, oh, yeah. She's like, in that creepy dude's house that had the robe with the cat, and he was looking for his mom. And I was like, oh, and you thought that we were getting kidnapped? And she broke down the story for me.
Shannon Sharpe
Wow.
Bert Kreischer
And I went, aw, I'll call you right back. And then I told the story to the people. And then I was like, Jesus Christ. Like, I feel like I'm a conduit for my family sometimes. And I'm gonna pour another drink. How do we do that? I'm having the greatest time of my life. Is that clear?
Shannon Sharpe
Did. Do you think your kids will ever follow in your footsteps?
Bert Kreischer
Never.
Shannon Sharpe
Why not?
Bert Kreischer
They have no interest in celebrity. They have no interest in standup. They've seen how the sausage is made. Yeah. And so, you know, they're. For lack of better words, they're. I say uncles. I wouldn't say it's uncles. It's not that close, right? But they toured with me on Fully Loaded. And so, like, guys like Stavi and Mark Norman and Shane Gillis and Joey Diaz and Sal Volcano and all the guys that Whitney and Nikki are like genuine aunts to them and they know them intimately and they see our lifestyle. We were on tour one time. It's me. I think it's me. Gillis, Mark Norman, Big J Okerson, Whitney, Andrew, Santino Stavi. And we're all sitting at a table. You know, when you do arenas, you cater, you got catering there. So you go, we're sitting at a table. It's like a lunch table. And we're all eating breakfast. My daughters are there. And we have the funniest comedians in the world. In the world at 10am drinking coffee, busting balls, telling stories. And we are crying, laughing. We're crying, laughing. And then we're about to take mushrooms and smoke weed and get in inner tubes and float a river in Boise before the show that night that sold out in an arena, right? And my daughter Georgia, everyone's like, all right, let's get our bathing suits on. Let's go. All right, we're going. I was like, I'm going to finish up. I'll meet you guys out there. And my daughter Georgia doesn't leave. And she's sitting at the table like this, like. I go, what's up? She was like, that was incredible. I go, what? She goes, I've never laughed that hard in my life. And I go, well, you gotta remember my friends are the funniest human beings in the world. Not just like casually, right? They're actually the funniest human beings in the world. She goes, that was incredible, dad. That was amazing. And then she looked at me and she goes, no wonder you never came home. Shane Gillis. One of my favorite stories, like what it's like to be with these guys. This is my favorite story. So the first year we do Fully Loaded. Maybe the second year, Georgia brings her friend daisy. They're like 18, 19 years old. And Shane Gillis, I don't know. Okay, you know who he is. So Shane Gillis is not famous at the time. He's just Shane. And he's the best hang in the world, right? So he goes up. The very last night, he goes up to George and Daisy and he goes, hey, you girls sneaka beers? And they're like, no. And he goes, come on, I'm not gonna tell on you. Sneakin beers. And they're like, no, we're not. And he goes, guys, I was your age once, okay? I'm not some narc. I'm cool. I'm Shane. You got sneakin beers. And they go, yeah, we're sneaking beers and he sits right next to me. He goes, george, you're sneaking beers. Oh man, that fully loaded was funny shit.
Shannon Sharpe
So what type of kid were you in high school?
Bert Kreischer
Very serious athlete.
Shannon Sharpe
Were you?
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, very serious.
Shannon Sharpe
What'd you play?
Bert Kreischer
Baseball. You know, in Florida. Where'd you grow up?
Shannon Sharpe
I grew up in Georgia.
Bert Kreischer
Georgia, okay. In Florida it was either baseball or basketball.
Shannon Sharpe
Baseball or football? Basketball.
Bert Kreischer
In the south, basketball crossed over with baseball.
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Bert Kreischer
But it was either football or baseball. You. Some guys play both, but baseball was so serious in Florida that we played winter ball, fall ball, spring ball. You played baseball all year round. And so I was really focused on baseball. And. And. And I got recruited. Recruited to go play at the Citadel and at Duke.
Shannon Sharpe
Okay.
Bert Kreischer
I remember at Duke, I knew a guy that got.
Shannon Sharpe
You had grades like that to get into Duke?
Bert Kreischer
No, no, no, no, no, no. And I was. I said to the guy, I was like, yo, how does that work? Like, I'm not. He goes, oh, we get you a Tudor. And I was like, I'm gonna pass. And then the Citadel, I was like, do I have to cut my hair? And they're like, absolutely. I go, I'm gonna pass, right? I was like, I'll walk on at Florida State. And I walked on one day and walked off immediately.
Shannon Sharpe
What happened?
Bert Kreischer
Coach Martin saw a pledge pin on my shirt. And he goes, you can take that shit off right now. And I was like, huh? He was like, we don't party on the baseball team. You play baseball. You don't play football.
Shannon Sharpe
Had a good state.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, they did.
Shannon Sharpe
They did.
Bert Kreischer
They did. And I was a catcher. And his son, who ended up playing for the Expos, was a catcher also, and my age. And he was like, you can go catch bullpen. And I remember walking to the bullpen. I don't know what it's like when you retired, but when you take sports seriously and you realize you're giving up something you've spent your entire life focusing on. I had my baseball bag. I was in a uniform, and I walked to the bullpen, and I stood there, and no one really talked to me. And I went, I don't know if I want to spend four years being a bullpen catcher. I'm not going to beat out his son for the position. And I walked right back to Sally hall, to room 111, and my buddy Chilly Willie and Paul were smoking Weed. And they're doing this thing called time traveling, where they played Pink Floyd and they had tin foil with holes poked in it so it looked like stars. And I sat with my uniform and cleats and hat on, and I smoked weed, and I looked at the sky, and I went, I'm done with sports. I was like, I think I'm gonna focus on this partying thing. And it worked out. Isn't that crazy? I got buddies who play ball their whole lives. Danny Graves. I just ran into Danny Graves recently. Was my age. Brad Radke. Pitched for the Twins, almost won a Cy Young Award, and their lives ended at, like, 30 years old. And my life didn't start until 44. It's kind of crazy. It's. I picked the right profession, but, you know, sports is like. I was so serious about sports, and I was funny, but I wasn't funny until I got to college and gave up on sports.
Shannon Sharpe
Right. Because you could focus, because you really focused on sports because that's what you really wanted to do.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. And then when I. It was like, when I got to college, I joined a fraternity, ato, and I realized. And I'm cool saying this now, because obviously I'm a successful comedian, but I realized my dad said to me, when I was a kid, I said, how come no one talks about me playing baseball the way they do Brad Radke? I mean, everyone talked about Brad. Everyone would be like, he's going to go pro. He's going to go pro. I mean, when we were kids, he's going to go, probably. And my dad said, buddy, you just don't have that. That's not your thing. He goes, listen, Brad's thing is baseball. It's sports. I go, buddy, your goal in life is to find your thing the way Brad found baseball. Correct. When you find that and you're just undeniable. He didn't use undeniable as a word, but he goes, your thing is like Brad's. That's when you'll know that's your thing. And the first time I did stand up, I knew it. But when I was in that fraternity and I was so much funnier than I was so quick. And, like, we'd have chapter, and they'd say something, and I could think of the best joke in the room quicker than anyone we were doing. I mean, I'm just gonna tell you one joke, but this was one of the funniest things I said. In college, you had three strikes in a chapter and you got kicked out.
Shannon Sharpe
Correct.
Bert Kreischer
And for Me. It was three jokes. And we had homecoming with Theta Theta that year. And Eddie Fernandez stood up, and he was the homecoming chairman. He goes, guys, it's time to talk about homecoming. And I made a joke about Theta, and everyone laughed. And our president goes, hey, that's one strike. I went, okay. And he said another thing about Theta. And I made another quick joke, and everyone laughed. And he goes, that's two strikes. And he goes, bert Kreisler, if I hear one more joke about Theta, I'm gonna kick your ass out of here. And I did. I waited one beat, and I went, two Thetas walking a bar. And the place went bananas. Bananas. And he laughed hysterically. He's like, you gotta leave. You gotta. That's so good. You gotta leave. It's just. But it's like. I remember we went to Clemson. We went to Clemson, Florida State. We took a road trip and a bus. And at the very beginning, leaving Tallahassee, someone's like, burt, get on the mic and just. And do some standup. I didn't know what it was. I did stand up for the entire ride to Clemson. I just talked in that thing. Wow. And I just was like. And then when I did stand up for the first time, I remember calling my dad. This was before cell phones. I went home and I called my dad, and I said, I think I found my thing. The way Brad had baseball. This is my thing. So.
Shannon Sharpe
So were you popular with the girls in high school and college?
Bert Kreischer
Yes. This is where I'm gonna. You up. Yes.
Shannon Sharpe
What?
Bert Kreischer
But, uh. Oh, but I had a really bad experience losing my virginity, so I was. I was so. I.
Shannon Sharpe
It was bad.
Bert Kreischer
It was horrific. It was like. It was. It was. I mean, I couldn't get the condom on. And then when I finally got it on, I got on top of her. And then. And then I had my pants around my ankles, my shoes on, my baseball jacket still on. I think I had a hat on.
Shannon Sharpe
Damn.
Bert Kreischer
I mean, it was like. And she was totally naked. It was, like, just so bad. And then I got on top of her. This is real time. I go one, right? And as I pull out, it's over. It's over. I'm done. And I look at her, and she goes, are you gonna put it in? And I went, huh? And I looked down, and my. Between her butt cheek and the bed. I didn't even a person. I didn't even person. And then. And then. But it gets worse. It gets worse. And I'll spare you all the details because you're not gonna understand it. But like. But like, it gets so bad, so bad. I mean, it. So bad, so bad, so bad. I mean, I. Then I just had sex with her with a condom. I already compromised. It's like going on a hike and just getting your feet all nice and wet before you go on the hike. It wasn't fun. And then I got done, and the condom was still in there, and I was like, it was so bad.
Shannon Sharpe
So the condom came up inside and.
Bert Kreischer
I got pulled out and I was like, we're done. And then I look and it's just sitting between her legs. And I was like, oh, I don't think that's where it's supposed to be. And now I'm doing tug of war with this. It was so bad, Shannon, that when I got done, I looked in the mirror in this bathroom in Carrollwood. I looked in the mirror and I went, I don't even know who the you are. I was 17 years old. I was like, this isn't what was supposed to happen.
Shannon Sharpe
Did you get a do over?
Bert Kreischer
No. I mean, I did. I had sex with her again once. Twice, actually. And it never got better.
Shannon Sharpe
Well, damn.
Bert Kreischer
I just sucked. I sucked so bad at it. I was. I was not. I just came so fast. Is like the truth. I would come so fast that I knew that I did that. And so then from that moment on, I said, all right, I'm only doing this with chicks that I trust. Like, I love, and I fall in love with, and I know that we're gonna date. And so I've only been with six chicks, my wife being one of them. Oh. And so I just. I just.
Shannon Sharpe
Cause you was done with the condoms after that?
Bert Kreischer
I was. Well, no, no, no. I can still use condoms. I just. I was just like. I was like, I'm not a one night stand guy. Oh, I'm not. I'm. I'm just not. And I was. I'm not built for it. Like, I remember being 17 and I was laying in bed. I had dudes who would have sex and then like, no condom and just be like, yeah. And high five each other. That was awesome. And I was the guy, like, what if we get aids? Like, what if one of them.
Shannon Sharpe
You're making the worst situation.
Bert Kreischer
I'm laying in bed going, I'm 17. What if I get AIDS? What if I get. I'm not ready to get AIDS. Like, I was like, I'm getting full blown AIDS at 17 and I'm gonna have a baby. My baby's gonna have AIDS. I'm gonna have AIDS, baby, and I'm 17. And, I mean, I just. I was not cut out for it the second I met my wife, and I knew she was the one. That's when sex, for me, it was like, all of a sudden, it was like, all the care, all the stress about it was gone. I mean, I don't think there's a lot of men like me.
Shannon Sharpe
No, I'd agree.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, it's hard to.
Shannon Sharpe
You're the only one. You're a unicorn.
Bert Kreischer
It's hard for people to get. But, like, I just was. I did not get good at sex. And I mean, today I was not good. I was, like, bad. Today, Shannon, I had sex with my wife in my room. We have two different bedrooms. We're in a sleep divorce. She came in, we had sex, and I thought I was doing this manly thing where I was holding onto the bed frame. Yeah. Yeah.
Shannon Sharpe
Getting leveraged.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. And then I got done having sex, and I put my shirt on, and I was like, I haven't put on deodorant in a week. And I was like, oh, you were smelling that. And she was like. It was pretty aggressive. I was just raw, dogging her. Like, take that scent. If my sex tape ever comes out. I mean, I was in a three way this weekend on Oculus. Have you been on Oculus? Yes. I sucked in that. I kept making awkward eye contact with them. Like, is this real? Is this real? Dude, that Oculus, man, that takes a part of your soul.
Shannon Sharpe
So did you have a girlfriend in college?
Bert Kreischer
I did. She cheated on me. My best friend.
Shannon Sharpe
Well, how is he Your. Hold on. Did he know that was your girlfriend?
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, we dated for, like, four years. Yeah.
Shannon Sharpe
And he knew.
Bert Kreischer
He was my roommate. Yeah.
Shannon Sharpe
Oh, my goodness.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Shannon Sharpe
So what did you. I said, bro, how you do that, man? You my roommate, Bro, how you do that?
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. We didn't talk for a while, and then I'll tell you something cool. I still love this guy. I've known this guy his whole life, and it's. Look, I don't talk to that woman. I've known this guy for too long.
Shannon Sharpe
He.
Bert Kreischer
He. This is. I don't know. This is. Guys, maybe you'll get this. And we've been in touch since I moved to New York. We kept in touch. We hit Becky, and I'd hang out with him every now and then. And then I hadn't been back to a Florida State game, and then I went back to Florida State, Syracuse, like, two years ago, three years ago. And he goes Hey, I want to set you up with the athletic director because he's still big at Florida State, and they've got a special thing planned. And they did. They had this video of me talking about how much Florida State means to me and about the Indian spear and the Seminole and the chief and Renegade with Chief Osceola. And then they bring me out to the center of the field and fucking Renegade comes out and rears up and the burning spear goes in and I'm crying and they take me up and I meet the president, and I meet. You know, I just have the time of my life. Wow. And my buddy calls me and he goes, hey, are we good now?
Shannon Sharpe
No.
Bert Kreischer
I go, we're good.
Shannon Sharpe
How did you find out, though?
Bert Kreischer
She kind of told me. She told me in stages. She's like, we might have hooked up, we might have kissed. And then next thing you know, it was like, a little more than that, little more than that, little more than that. And then by that. By that time, you gotta realize I'd only been with two chicks at that time. The first girl and her.
Shannon Sharpe
Right.
Bert Kreischer
And I. And I don't. I'm certain you've probably never been the word as a cuckold, but it is. No, it is an embarrassing feeling to be cheated on. And everyone know about it but you. But me. And everyone knew about it. It happened all summer and everyone knew.
Shannon Sharpe
About it, and ain't nobody.
Bert Kreischer
Hold on. No one told me.
Shannon Sharpe
How many friends you have? Did you have any friends? Clearly they. Not as close as you thought they were.
Bert Kreischer
My childhood friend, a guy I grew up with, I've known since I was, like, probably 4 years old. Pat Fagan found out about it and said, if you guys don't tell him, I'm telling him. But everyone kind of knew about it and I didn't know about it. As a matter of fact, on that trip to Clemson I'm telling you about, I found out the weekend after. The weekend after that trip or the day, the Monday when we came home, I found out that Monday. And so was there ever a situation.
Shannon Sharpe
That you weren't there, but she was there waiting for you to get back and he was there?
Bert Kreischer
I'm certain. I mean, it's like, you know, it's so devastating to be cheated on and to have a community know about it and you not know about it? That it really kind of. It really. It's defining. It's traumatic. It's. You know, they say, what is it? Rejection from your peers is worse than death is. You know, and then you Just start. You had to reassess your friends. You had to reassess who you loved and who you didn't love and who you cared about and who you didn't trust anymore. And then they have friends, and you don't have those friends anymore. And, you know, I got beat up by a friend, too, one time, and that same thing happened where it's like, you pick sides. And by the way, I'm certainly. You've never been beaten up, but, like, getting beaten up is like, you got beat up. I've been beaten up a couple times.
Shannon Sharpe
So you got your girl took and.
Bert Kreischer
You got beat up a couple years later. It was a different guy. It was a different guy. I made good friends.
Shannon Sharpe
Did it hurt? Did it hurt more because it was a friend? Yes, because as opposed to someone you don't know. And it happened. But the mere fact that he knew that you were seeing her, she knew that that was your roommate, and they still, like, had blatant disregard for your feelings.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Oh, it was devastating. It was devastating. It was devastating. And you know what's very interesting about this story is I just come back from Russia, which is probably my most famous story about getting involved with the Russian mafia. So a lot of people are always like. They go, hey, you went to college with Bert. Did I ever tell you that story? And like, I said, I wasn't a big self promoter in college. But more importantly, when I got back from Russia, my reality was that I had been cheated on, so I wasn't telling people anyone about my trip. I was like, yo, I'm devastated. I remember my buddy Mike Osborne. This is when my drinking really ramped up, too. My buddy Mike Osborne, God bless, bros. He gets in his car with me, and he goes, I don't know what to tell you, man. This sucks. And I was like, yeah. And he goes, I can tell you this, though. If we get a 12 pack, four beers in, it's gonna feel better. And I was like, let's do it. And we got a 12 pack. We went over to Clint Munn's house, And we drank 12 beers between us. And at six beers, I go, I don't feel that bad anymore, right? And he goes, well, then we'll do it tomorrow night. And then. And he's like, I'll be here with you every night. I love when the guys do that. Billy Gardell, my daughter fell one time, broke her jaw. We were on the road. Billy Gardell, one of the best.
Shannon Sharpe
Big Billy, people drinking, but Mike and.
Bert Kreischer
Molly, Billy Gardell says to Me, buddy, you're getting on a plane tomorrow, okay? Now, you gotta be a dad when you get there. Now, there's two choices. One, we get you back to the hotel room, we put you to bed, you get a good night's sleep. You get on that plane, you go home, you take care of your little girl. Number two, obviously, we go to the bar and we drink until we get you on that plane. Whichever one you pick, I win. And I was like, I want number two. And he goes, let's go. And me and Billy sat at a bar until like, five in the morning. He goes, let's get you on that. And that's. I love a guy like that.
Shannon Sharpe
You. Matthew Lampoon's Van Wilder. Ryan Reynolds played that. That story is about you, correct?
Bert Kreischer
I guess. I mean, it's. I feel. I feel disingenuous saying that now because I've made a movie and I know how much hard work goes into a movie and I know how much ownership you take over a movie that you make.
Shannon Sharpe
Right.
Bert Kreischer
So it feels weird to be a kid saying, that's my story, you know? But I'll tell you that.
Shannon Sharpe
But it feels like your story.
Bert Kreischer
Well, the day it came out, I'll just say this. The day it came out, I got a call from my agent and my manager, my lawyer and a couple agents on the phone. And they said, this was stolen from you. This was your story, and we want to sue. But the movie, you gotta remember the movie didn't come out strong in the theaters. And I was like, okay. And I gotta give this guy credit. Barry Katz was on that phone, my old manager at the time. I go, let's sue. I was really butthurt. I was really hurt that they had done this, that they hadn't involved me, that they hadn't consulted me at all. And I had been there at the beginning processes of it. I had consulted at the very beginning of it. And Barry goes, papa, there's two types of people in this business. People who work and people who sue. Pick which one you want to be. And I went, I want to work. And he goes, then don't sue.
Shannon Sharpe
Right?
Bert Kreischer
And I didn't sue. And I've worked my entire life. Yes. And I say this honestly. I would love to meet Ryan Reynolds. I've never met him.
Shannon Sharpe
Right.
Bert Kreischer
But he almost came to my Red Rock show. This last time I did Red Rocks, he was doing something with an agent. The agent tried to bring him today to catch a flight. When I meet Ryan Reynolds, I would love for him to say, I'm a fan of your work as opposed to. So you're the Van Wilder guy. I would like the Van Wilder thing to be a footnote in a career that I've made for myself. And I think.
Shannon Sharpe
Because you're much more than that.
Bert Kreischer
I think so. That's why it feels weird talking about it now. But, yeah, I mean, thank God I never was a part of it, because I would have just. That would have been my pony.
Shannon Sharpe
Yep.
Bert Kreischer
You know, I love that.
Shannon Sharpe
You want to work or you want to sue?
Bert Kreischer
It was. Dude. And I took a meeting with a company one time. My Big White Whale's always been a TV show about my family.
Shannon Sharpe
Yeah.
Bert Kreischer
Big White Whale's been that forever. I took a meeting with a company over by where Netflix's radio is. I just. I don't know why. I like small details. Over by that Target, by the Breo. And. And they were like. And they had my book on the table. And they're like, we're huge fans. I was like, oh, thanks. And they're like, our business partner couldn't be here today. He was in a little bit of a motorcycle accident. But we would love to do a TV show with you. And I was like, awesome. And they're like, we've been fans of yours for, like, 27 years. And I was like, it's impossible. I was like, what? At the time, I wasn't telling. I was probably 25, 22. I was like, that's impossible. And they're like, we made a movie called Van Wilder. And I went, oh. And then I sat. I walked out of that meeting, and I thought, thank God I never sued. Cause here's what I've always wanted. And these guys have the opportunity to give it to me. And if I had sued, I would never have had that opportunity.
Shannon Sharpe
Do you think they know it was about.
Bert Kreischer
They have to. They had to. I mean, they had to. And so, I mean, they had my book, and I think I wrote about it in my book. Right, But. And their business partner was Ryan Reynolds. He had been in a motorcycle accident in Canada in a parking garage. And so, yes, I would love to meet Ryan Reynolds. I've been a fan of his forever. Obviously, before everyone liked him, I was a fan of. I haven't seen Van Wilder, but I'm sure it's a good movie. But, yeah, I would like for him to like what I do as opposed to that.
Shannon Sharpe
Would you like to do something with him?
Bert Kreischer
Fuck, yes. Deadpool fucks Burt Kreisler in the ass and make a porn. I don't care. I'll do a series of those Deadpool raw dogs.
Shannon Sharpe
Burt Kreisler so let me ask you this. You leave Florida State, you get the Are they right there?
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Shannon Sharpe
And you was like, that's it. Your dad said, if you don't take advantage of this situation, you're never going to be in a better situation than what you are right now.
Bert Kreischer
Yep.
Shannon Sharpe
You pack up, you head to New York. Then what?
Bert Kreischer
Oh, I got my lunch money taken.
Shannon Sharpe
What happened?
Bert Kreischer
Oh, dude. My dad said to me, he said, listen, had you wanted to go to grad school, I would have paid for it. Imagine this is grad school, okay? He goes, you gotta get a job, but I'll help you get on your feet. I'll get your rent. My rent was like $800 a month. He goes, I'll get your rent. You gotta get a job and you gotta focus on stand up. I mean, this is like, this gets a little, like deep. Yeah. So I'm like, yeah, whatever. I'll go to New York, I'll party. It's gonna happen. It happened once, it's gonna happen again. I'm going to the clubs, I'm hanging out. I got my pride. I'm not gonna. Yeah, I did stand up one time. I murdered. I was like, nice. Got that under my belt. And then on my 26th birthday, I partied that night. I'm sleeping on a couch in my own apartment. It's hot. And I get a phone call from my dad and I go, hello? And he was like. I was like, it's my birthday. I'll just let him say happy birthday to me real quick, you know, hang up, I'm hungover. I go, hey, what's up? And he was like, you are a tremendous piece of shit. I go, what? And he goes, you are a failure. You're a liar. You say you want to be a stand up and you're not doing shit to pursue your career. He goes, I just perjured myself in court. I was in court and the judge said, al, how's your son doing? And I said, great. I lied for the first time in my life in court. I lied because I couldn't tell him, you know what, you, Honor? He has no humility. He's never going to amount to anything because I him up as a father. I didn't teach him how to be a humble man. And now he's in New York, and he's a party boy. And he goes, you know what? Fine. It be a party boy. And I was like. I remember going, it's my birthday. He goes, I know what day it is. And he broke me off. He broke me off. And I said to him, I was like, now I'm sitting up, I'm in my underwear. I'm like, there's a part of me that wants to push back and. And fight him for it and go, hey, I'm doing shit, but I'm lying.
Shannon Sharpe
Exactly.
Bert Kreischer
And then the other part of me is just as a kid talking to his dad, I go, how can I fix it? And he goes, you can't. He goes, I you up. I never had you get a job in a warehouse and work around men that need to struggle. Men that struggle. He goes, I you up. I made life easy for you. I'm paying your rent up there. You're gonna be a party boy the rest of your life. Don't worry, I'll pay for it. Just be a party boy. He kept saying, party boy. I was like, stop saying party boy. And then I said, hey, how would I fix it? Tell me how to fix it. And he goes, I'll tell you, but I don't think you're capable of it. And he told me, he goes, go to that club tonight that you've been going to and tell them you want a job there sweeping up or that you'll do anything. And then in the hopes that one day you can do stand up. And I go, I remember going, dad, that's not how it works. He goes, it's not how it works for you because you're a privileged white kid from Florida. But if there's some black kid in Harlem who wants a. He's going down there, hat in hand. He's saying, how do I get on this stage? And he goes, it doesn't work for you that way because you've never had to work for anything. And I was like, okay, I'll do it. I remember saying, I'll do it tomorrow because I have a party plan tonight.
Shannon Sharpe
And then he hang up all year.
Bert Kreischer
He goes, you don't deserve a party. He goes, what are you partying for? He goes, what are you celebrating? You're a failure. And I was like, okay, I'll go tonight. So he goes, take yourself to dinner. And I've done this every year of my birthday. Take yourself to dinner, write out some goals, and then go to that club and tell them whatever you say. Just my name's. Bert Kreischer. I want to be a stand up. Please tell me how I can do that. I'll do anything. I'll mop up, I'll clean up, whatever it is. So I went to this Thai food restaurant, first time I ever had red curry, the Penang. And I wrote 26 goals. And my goals were very simple. Get on stage 26 times this year, become a regular at one club. Just very simple goals. And that night I went to the club and I said, hey, my name is Burke. I knew the guy, his name is Louis Shaffer. I said I had been there. I was like, my name is Bert Kreischer. I want to be a stand up comedian. I'm from Florida, but I'm here and I'll do anything. I'll clean up. And he goes, can I give you some advice? I said, I'd love some advice. He goes, move back to Florida. And I went, that's not gonna work. And he goes, no, you're not gonna be a comic here, so move back to Florida. And then he blew me off. And so I almost enjoyed that. Cause I was like, yeah. Told my dad this morning I was final work. So I called my dad the next morning. He goes, how did it go? I said, it didn't work. And he goes, awesome, great. He goes, go back tonight. Say the exact same thing. Pretend you never spoke to him, like you've been mind wiped. Just go, my name's Bert Kreischer. I'm gonna.
Shannon Sharpe
So I was like, I'm from Florida, but I want to be a stand up and I'll do whatever it takes.
Bert Kreischer
I clean, cook, clean, cook, whatever. And he goes. And I go, dad. He goes, no, dude, trust me. You wanted help. This is how it works. Do it again. It's persistence. So I went back that night. Next night I went, hey, my name is Bert Kreis here. And he goes, we did this last night. And I went, listen, here's the deal. Yesterday was my birthday. I didn't have a party. I was like, I was supposed to have a party. My dad didn't let me have a party. And now I'm here. I'm gonna do this every Friday night apparently, until you give me an opportunity. And then he goes, ugh, fine. Okay, stand out front. If you bring in 20 people, I'll let you go on at the end of the night, I'll give you 25 bucks. And I went, what? And he goes, yeah, you just stand out front. If you can bring people into the club, bark. I'll put you on at the end of the night. And I was like, for real? He was like, yeah. I was like, oh, my God. I was like, it worked. I was like, shit. I put my backpack back down. I sat out front. I remember this, by the way. This is. I brought in, like a hundred people. I brought in four Puerto Ricans. Two were going to jail the next day. Sat them in the front row, and within 15 minutes, he comes out and he's like, who brought the Puerto Ricans in? I go, I did. And he goes, they're ruining the show. He's like, you want to be a stand up. Get the up here. So I was like, okay. So I brought him. I walked in, I knew the one guy was going to. The two guys were going to prison the next day. So I knew because they were. Told me, they're like, we're going to party. I was like, why? And they're like, yeah, he's going to jail. I was like, come on, Come on in. Have a good time. They were ruining the night. They make this girl cry on stage and they were loving it. And I went up and I did old school frat boy ball busting. I remember at one point I said something and I go, hey, easy. I know what I'm supposed to do. And if in my act it says the stupid Puerto Rican talks, I'll point to you. And that's when you should talk. And the guy goes, what? And I go, oh, enjoy prison tomorrow, buddy. And I was like, you guys don't know these two are going to prison tomorrow. And then they were like, what the. And I was like, oh, yeah. And I just started lighting them up. They walk out of the room, the place goes crazy. I just destroyed. I had never. I had no act. I only knew how to make fun of Puerto Ricans, apparently. And then he was like, you got a job. You got a job Every Tuesday through Friday, you can bark. I called my dad. I go, it worked. He goes, buddy, apply humility in everything you do, and it'll always work. Wow. Yeah. And so it was. But that. But my first. I mean, I got fired from. At Barnes and Noble for working out in the basement my underwear. I mean, it was like that first six months or seven months was tough.
Shannon Sharpe
I mean, you didn't think you was supposed to work out at Barnes and Noble in your underwear.
Bert Kreischer
Listen, you haven't had, you know, you ever have. When you were a kid, do you ever have a summer job where you're lifting stuff all day? Yes. And then you're like, you're like, I don't think I'm getting jacked. Yeah, well, for me that was like the travel books, I was lifting them, I'm like, yo, I'm getting yoked. And then I was like, I bet, I bet if I, you know, did some push ups, right? So I took the freight elevator to the basement, right? Bang out 20 push ups. I was like, nice, go back up. I was like, I dropped me. You know what, I'll do some air squats. I was like, I'm gonna start working out. I don't like this job. But there was no air conditioning at the Astroplace. Barnes and Noble, right? So I'm started coming out sweating. My boss, Dwayne's like, what's up with you? Why are you so hot? And I was like, no ac. And he's like, yeah, but you're the only one sweating profusely. So I take off all my clothes, go down to the basement, take off all my clothes, bang out push ups, dry off, put my clothes back on. And then one day he pulls me into his office and he's like, hey man, you've been spending a lot of time in the basement. And I was like, oh yeah, you know, that's where all the books are. And he was like, you know we have cameras in here, right? I was like, I did not know that. He was like, you're fired. And then like an idiot, I go, well, that's okay, I quit. And he goes, oh, that's awesome. We don't have to pay you for whatever. The thing is, when you quit, your person fired. I don't even have a few jobs. Unemployment, huh? Yeah, that's it.
Shannon Sharpe
You met. Somehow you meet Will Smith and he just gave you your first six figure check.
Bert Kreischer
Will Smith was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Shannon Sharpe
How did you, how did you meet him?
Bert Kreischer
I did, I, I did stand up in that one club, Boston Comedy Club. And one of his guys, guy named David Toman, saw me do stand up. He said, I think Will would like you. And I was like, I love Will, right? Will was like, you gotta remember he was my introduction to hip hop. Kinda. My whole family was from Philly. And he was like, yeah, great. And he said, will's doing Will any. I'm at the Hit Factory or what I think it's called, should meet him. I was like, I love to meet Will Smith, you kidding me? So I, he's like, he's up there, go Saturday. So I went up call my dad, I go meet Will Smith. I Think he wants to give me a television deal. My dad's like, what's that? And he'd go, you don't do anything for a year and then maybe make a TV show out of you. They give you six figures. My dad's like, get that money. So I go. I go up, and it's Will Smith. The lady walks me into this huge dance studio. They put two folding chairs in the dead center, facing each other like one of those old Richard Nixon interviews, right? Facing each other in a dance studio, huge room. Mr. Smith will be in in a second. And he walks in in a second, like, literally a minute later. Oh, hurricane of personality. Will Smith is one of the most charming men I've ever met in my entire life. Daps me a big hug. I remember he said, one love. That's all he said to me, one love. And I was off to the races. I was like, buddy, you know how I talk. I just. I was like, dude, I'm a big fan of hip hop. I'm a big fan of yours. I know. I mean, Nightmare on Elm Street's one of my favorite songs. I start going off. I love black people. You're black.
Shannon Sharpe
I love.
Bert Kreischer
I'm just everything. I was like. And I got him going. I was like, I love hip hop. I love all the old school, all the new school. Do you know Juvenile? I love Juvenile. It's right when the hot boys were coming out. I was like, I met. You know. And then he was like. He's like. Like this the whole time. He's like, dude, I like you. I go, I like you, right? He goes, what are you doing tonight? And I go, I don't know. And he goes, let's go see a movie. And I was like, okay. He's like, cool. Meet me at planet Hollywood at 7. And I was like, okay. And then he just walks out. And I was like, that happened quick. So I get in the car, I call my dad. He goes, how did it go? And I go, it went great. I go, we're going to the movies. And my dad's like, on a date. I go, I don't know. I don't know. I don't think so. And he goes, who else is going? I go, just me and Will. And he goes, oh, buddy.
Shannon Sharpe
Your dad, old school, from Florida.
Bert Kreischer
He goes, I think he's gonna. You. I said, what? He goes, it's very popular in Hollywood. These guys get so tired of that. The only thing that turns them on is to young dudes. I was like, what? And he goes, yeah, dude, I've heard about it. It's a casting couch. It's what they do. And I go, no, dad, that's impossible. We just spent like an hour in a dance studio. It was a dance studio. I go, no. I'm gonna go, dad, trust me. He goes, buddy, what's more likely, okay? He goes, listen to me. The fact that you're so talented that after six months of doing standup, the biggest movie star in the world wants to make a TV show about you, or that he's tired of and he wants to you. I was like, oh, I'm getting. I go, what do I do? And he goes, hey, buddy, eat shit and cash checks. You show up. He goes, you show the up. So I. He goes, just listen. He goes, you're my only son. I just. I want to prepare you for what?
Shannon Sharpe
What's going to happen.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. So I show up to Planet Hollywood. Even when I get there, I go, planet Hollywood? This seems like a weird place, right, to watch a movie. I get there and I go, is Will Smith here? She was like, yeah, in the back. I was like, oh, it's a mannequin of him. I go, no, no, the real Will Smith. She looks at me and she goes, celebrities don't hang out at Planet Hollywood. And I was like, I'm supposed to see a movie hit with him here. She was like, we don't have a movie theater. And I was like, okay, hold on. Now I'm getting punked. I was like, all right, can I wait? And she's like, yeah, wait. So I just sit in the lobby of Planet Hollywood, the little waiting room. All of a sudden, door opens to my left and there's a six, seven foot black man who sticks his head out. And he goes, you, Burt? I go, yeah. And he goes, I'm Charlie Mack downstairs.
Shannon Sharpe
Yeah.
Bert Kreischer
I go, what? He goes, downstairs? I'm like, oh, my God, I gotta this guy too. I was like, this is gonna be a rough night. Like, I walk downstairs and there are 10 black men sitting in a room probably half the size of this, with a velvet curtain around the whole room and a folding table in the center of it, right? And I walk in and I go, oh, my God, I gotta. All these dudes and Charlie Mac. I'm sure he's bringing Jazzy Jeff. That's 13 black dudes. And I just. I don't say a word. I just post up against the wall and I don't make eye contact. And literally two minutes later, Will Smith comes in with. I swear to God, Jazzy Jeff. And he goes, yo. And I was like, what's up? And he's like, yo, what do you think? And I was like, this is gonna be a long night is what I think. And he's like, guys, this is Burt. This is the guy I was telling you about. Who's ready? And the curtains pull back, and it's a private screening room. And he goes, burt, grab us two seats. I'm gonna get us drinks. Do you like Long Island Iced Teas? I was like, I love them. He grabbed us two Long Island Iced Teas. I sat next to Will Smith and Jazzy Jeff, and we watched American Pieces. And I think he just wanted to see where I laughed and what I found funny, right? And then at the end, we had fried shrimp. I remember the night very vividly. And at the very end of the night, he goes. At the end of the screening, he goes, what did you think? I said, it's a good movie. He goes, no, about the room. I said, it was beautiful. And he goes, no, about the men in the room. I was like, they're black. And he goes, no. He said, buddy, you said you were a hip hop fan. Look around the room. That's cool, Modi. That's Biz Markie. That's Big Daddy King. I brought all the legends so you could meet them. And I was like, I could have Mod. Oh, my God. And he did. And I just sat around this room with these legends. I was like, holy shit. Cause he found out I. So he invited them all to go see what's going on. And then he goes, we want to see a movie tomorrow night. And I was like, yeah. And I stood him up. I was like, I got away once. I'm not going to. But he was great. He taught me how to sell a show. He taught me how to sell a TV show. He was the kindest guy in the world. And I had a movie pitch at one point that was very similar to the movie get him to the Greek, but with hip hop. Because I've always been into hip hop. And Will called me. I was freshly married, and he called me, and he goes, yo, it's Will. What are you doing pitching a movie without me? And I was like, I don't know. And he was like, you call me, man. We're friends. So I love Will. I'm a ride or die for Will. Wow. Yeah, I love Will. I love Will.
Shannon Sharpe
What did he tell you about Hollywood?
Bert Kreischer
He told me, be myself. He told me, be myself. But it's interesting. It's interesting. That you asked that question, because he told me that at a urinal. We were at abc. Jamie Tarsus, who I think has passed away, she was running ABC at the time. And me and Will had driven across over the Hills, and I had had a Big Gulp with Diet Mountain Dew. And I had to piss so bad, and I kind of wanted to get my head straight. There was a lot of energy walking in with a celebrity like that. And I said, I'm gonna go to the bathroom real quick. And Will Smith says, I'll go with you. And I was like, okay. And so we went into the bathroom and I picked the urinal to the right. And then Will got to the urinal right next to me and he goes, hey, can I. Can I give you the key? The key thing you need to know about Hollywood? And I said, yeah. And then I heard him start pissing, and his flow was so strong that it intimidated me. I was like, he must have a hog. I mean, this. It was like a fire hose. Like, I heard German shepherds barking. It was like. And I couldn't piss. I got gun shy. And I was so focused on trying to pee that I heard nothing. He said, I heard nothing. Like giving me the keys to Hollywood. And then finally I said to myself, if I'm gonna sell a TV show next to this man, I gotta be able to piss next to this man. And I pushed so hard and I started peeing. And then he looks at me and he goes, and the last thing you need to know is just be yourself. And I went, that's the only thing I heard. So that was my one thing you heard. One thing I heard was just be yourself. And so that's all I've ever done, is try to be myself.
Shannon Sharpe
This concludes the first half of my conversation. Part two is also posted and you can access it to whichever podcast platform you just listened to part one on. Just simply go back to Club Shay Shay profile and I'll see you there.
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Bert Kreischer
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Podcast: Club Shay Shay
Host: Shannon Sharpe
Guest: Bert Kreischer
Date: January 21, 2026
In this lively episode, NFL Hall of Famer Shannon Sharpe welcomes comedian, storyteller, and "party legend" Bert Kreischer. Their wide-ranging conversation traverses Bert's career trajectory, comedic inspirations, challenges with self-identity, reflections on sudden fame, personal relationships, infamous partying years at Florida State, and encounters with showbiz heavyweights. The tone is candid, heartfelt, and often hilarious, with memorable anecdotes and self-deprecating humor.
“I've always had an identity crisis because I do have this moniker in this lifestyle that kind of precedes me of, like, I party, I take my shirt off, I get wild. But then I am also a dad. And I'm like, I am a husband.” (Bert Kreischer, 04:42)
“I never changed. But people see you as change. They see you as like, 'Oh, I remember going to the club and there was this comedian was like, Oh, I didn't know you still did comedy clubs. I thought you just did stadiums.'” (Bert Kreischer, 09:00)
“I was an open book. My policy with everything with podcasting, with Stand up has always been over, tell the truth, overshare. And when People go, that's too much information, I go, not until you start gagging.” (Bert Kreischer, 13:10)
“Before I got into this business, I wasn't a self promoter… But when I got into stand up, I realized, if you're not promoting yourself, no one's promoting you.” (Bert Kreischer, 20:07)
“[Isla] goes, buddy, when you die, I get all the money. That kid goes through my Rolexes and earmarks the ones she wants.” (Bert Kreischer, 25:38)
“Your goal in life is to find your thing the way Brad found baseball.” (Bert Kreischer, 40:18)
Romantic Misadventures (42:59–46:27)
College Betrayals (47:31–51:05)
“It is an embarrassing feeling to be cheated on. And everyone know about it but you.” (Bert Kreischer, 49:16)
“Barry Katz was on that phone, my old manager... 'Papa, there’s two types of people in this business. People who work and people who sue. Pick which one you want to be.' And I went, I want to work. And he goes, then don’t sue.” (Bert Kreischer, 54:15)
“You wanted help. This is how it works. Do it again. It's persistence.” (Bert Kreischer’s Dad, 64:53)
“And the last thing you need to know is just be yourself. And I went, that's the only thing I heard.” (Will Smith to Bert Kreischer, 76:48)
Candid, irreverent, self-deprecating, and rich with personal anecdotes. The conversational style is both vulnerable and hilarious, with Bert openly discussing shortcomings, private pain, and moments of triumph. The interplay between Shannon’s straightforward warmth and Bert’s honesty creates an engaging, easygoing experience for listeners.
This episode is packed with wild college tales, surprising showbiz encounters, and deep personal reflection. Above all, it captures Bert Kreischer’s philosophy—using authenticity, honesty, and perseverance to forge a remarkable comedic career.
For the continuation of Bert’s story, check out Part 2 of this Club Shay Shay conversation.