Humble Baddies - Part 1: Settling For Love + Do You Wash Your Chicken?

Summary

Podcast Summary: Club Shay Shay Episode: Humble Baddies - Part 1: Settling For Love + Do You Wash Your Chicken? Release Date: July 24, 2025 Host/Author: iHeartPodcasts and Shay Shay Media

---

Introduction

In this engaging episode of Club Shay Shay, hosts Dani Shapiro, Portia P., and Ebony delve into the intricacies of modern dating and relationships. The conversation intertwines personal anecdotes with broader societal observations, offering listeners a blend of humor, insight, and practical advice.

Lowering Expectations in Dating

The discussion begins with a critical examination of current dating standards. The hosts explore whether high expectations are hindering the formation of meaningful relationships.

Notable Quote: Portia P. reflects on the balance between standards and flexibility, stating, “I feel like there is power in possessing who you are and what you're going to be able to bend with and to match with somebody eventually” (22:45).

Dani Shapiro echoes this sentiment, emphasizing the importance of flexibility: “If your standards are too high, I feel like you're putting yourself in a situation to where you're gonna stay single” (23:54).

Communication and Expectations in Relationships

A significant portion of the conversation centers on the role of communication in managing expectations within relationships. The hosts discuss how uncommunicated standards can lead to misunderstandings and missed opportunities for connection.

Notable Quotes: Portia P. highlights the necessity of shared values and interests: “We got to have a lot that we have in common, that at least there's a sense of like, I know who she is, I know who he is” (24:15).

Ebony adds to this by stressing the importance of direct communication: “You don't know what this person may not know what you want unless you say it” (28:27).

The Importance of Therapy and Personal Growth

The hosts transition into discussing the role of therapy and personal development in fostering healthy relationships. They address the stigma around seeking help and the benefits of understanding one’s own and their partner’s mental health.

Notable Quotes: Dani Shapiro shares her experience with therapy, noting, “I think the therapy did help us for that particular situation because it's crazy how it made me understand him more” (41:14).

Portia P. emphasizes the broader benefits of therapy: “It's helping us understand our being” (37:58).

Ebony voices a common frustration with therapy, suggesting it can sometimes feel overly validating: “It feels too good. I feel validated right now” (37:14).

Navigating Relationship Challenges

The conversation delves into practical challenges couples face, such as differing communication styles and expectations. The hosts offer strategies for overcoming these obstacles, emphasizing patience, honesty, and mutual understanding.

Notable Quotes: Portia P. advises on the importance of taking relationships seriously: “This is like building families. This is like connecting and this is like sharing assets” (27:41).

Dani Shapiro discusses the dynamics of couples therapy, highlighting the need for honesty: “Couples therapy is not the jam if you're not willing to be completely honest” (38:43).

Humor and Relatability

Throughout the episode, the hosts infuse humor into their discussion, making the content relatable and entertaining. They share lighthearted moments and personal stories that illustrate their points, keeping the conversation lively and engaging.

Notable Interaction: At 43:16, Ebony humorously implies the presence of a new significant other, prompting playful banter and laughter among the hosts:

• Ebony: “He’s single. Back. Oh, no, he didn’t say back.”
• Portia P.: “Lay on your stomach and kick your feet.”

Conclusion

In Club Shay Shay's "Humble Baddies - Part 1: Settling For Love + Do You Wash Your Chicken?", Dani Shapiro, Portia P., and Ebony provide a thoughtful and entertaining exploration of modern dating dynamics. By addressing high expectations, the necessity of communication, and the role of personal growth, the hosts offer valuable insights for listeners navigating the complexities of relationships today.

---

Key Takeaways:

• Balance Standards and Flexibility: Maintain high standards while remaining open to compromise to avoid prolonged singleness.
• Effective Communication: Clearly communicate expectations to prevent misunderstandings and foster deeper connections.
• Embrace Therapy: Utilize therapy as a tool for personal and relational growth, enhancing understanding between partners.
• Humor in Relationships: Infuse humor into relationship challenges to maintain a positive and relatable dialogue.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Portia P.: “I feel like there is power in possessing who you are and what you're going to be able to bend with and to match with somebody eventually.” (22:45)
• Dani Shapiro: “If your standards are too high, I feel like you're putting yourself in a situation to where you're gonna stay single.” (23:54)
• Ebony: “You don't know what this person may not know what you want unless you say it.” (28:27)
• Portia P.: “We're here to love the human experience is to love and endure it, to give it, to raise it, to embody it.” (24:15)
• Dani Shapiro: “Couples therapy is not the jam if you're not willing to be completely honest.” (38:43)

---

This summary captures the essence of the episode, highlighting the key themes and providing notable quotes to emphasize the discussion points. Whether you're navigating the dating scene or seeking to deepen your current relationship, this episode offers thoughtful advice and relatable experiences to guide you.

Transcript

[Dani Shapiro]

This is an iHeart podcast.

[Portia P.]

Join iHeartradio and Sarah Spain in celebrating the one year anniversary of iHeart Women's Sports. With powerful interviews and insider analysis. Our shows have connected fans with the heart of women's Sports. In just one year, the network has launched 15 shows and built a community united by passion podcasts that amplify the voices of women in sports. Thank you for supporting iHeart women's sports and our founding sponsors, E L F Beauty, Capital One and Novartis.

[Ebony]

Just open the free iHeart app and.

[Portia P.]

Search iHeart Women's Sports to listen now. Welcome to Pretty Private with ebony, the podcast where silence is broken and stories are set free. I'm Ebony and every Tuesday I'll be sharing all new anonymous stories that would challenge your perceptions and give you new insight on the people around you. Every Tuesday, make sure you listen to Pretty Private from the Black Effect Podcast Network. Tune in on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. I'm Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford, host of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. I know how overwhelming it can feel if flying makes you anxious. In session 418 of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, Dr. Angela Neal Barnett and I discuss flight anxiety. What is not normal is to allow it to prevent you from doing the things that you want to do, the things that you were meant to do. Listen to Therapy for Black Girls on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Your entire identity has been fabricated. Your beloved brother goes missing without a trace. You discover the depths of your mother's illness.

[Dani Shapiro]

I'm Dani Shapiro, and these are just.

[Portia P.]

A few of the powerful stories I'll be mining on our upcoming 12th season of Family Secrets. We continue to be moved and inspired by our guests and their courageously told stories. Listen to Family Secrets Season 12 on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Ebony]

So what it's gonna be, baby?

[Dani Shapiro]

Squad up.

[Ebony]

We f go deep Riding on a team. Got what you need, baby?

[Portia P.]

Won't you keep me company?

[Ebony]

Give me something to do when I get lo Happy hump day. Happy hump day. We got Portia P. In the building. Sexy legs in the building.

[Portia P.]

Love y'. All.

[Dani Shapiro]

Hello, friends.

[Ebony]

I miss y'.

[Portia P.]

All.

[Dani Shapiro]

I know.

[Ebony]

Listen, I'm feeling better. Yes, I'm looking better.

[Dani Shapiro]

Okay, that for sure.

[Ebony]

I'm feeling so much better, y'.

[Portia P.]

All.

[Ebony]

I was so sick. Oh, my goodness. I was outside too much, y'.

[Dani Shapiro]

All. I talked to Cheryl right before she got on that podcast, and I said, what you gonna do with your hair, friend? I said, you gonna put a hat on? She said, yeah, I'm put a hat on. And to my surprise, lo and behold, I look on the Internet and see my girl with the. With the flyaways with the frizzles. I said, my girl says she don't feel good, and she needs y' all to know.

[Ebony]

I had the hoodie on. My hoodie was like, no, take it off. I'm like, the hoodie look cute.

[Portia P.]

No, the hoodie covered everything. She was like this little Bo Peep.

[Dani Shapiro]

So Lex was the culprit?

[Portia P.]

Yes.

[Ebony]

I was like. She was like, it look cute. Put it down. Let set me up.

[Portia P.]

No, it wasn't a setup. That was. That. Don't.

[Ebony]

I said, oh, I ain't posting this one. Damn, I look bad.

[Dani Shapiro]

Said nothing. Except I really did have a conversation with her before she got on. I said, you're gonna put that on.

[Portia P.]

She didn't say that.

[Ebony]

Y' all should have seen me looking with the cowboy hat. I was looking a hot mess. Y' all probably thought something was wrong with me. Like, I just came out of.

[Dani Shapiro]

Out of an institution joking about the cowboy, like a regular hat. Oh, she wasn't joking. Okay.

[Portia P.]

No.

[Ebony]

But what I can say is I was representing for my dog. Bad bitch, good mom.

[Dani Shapiro]

You was representing. And I said, oh, a few sales that came through.

[Portia P.]

What I did.

[Dani Shapiro]

Oh, my girl was wearing it. That's why the people in my shop.

[Portia P.]

Yeah.

[Dani Shapiro]

Don't ever let anybody tell you the influencer. Marketing doesn't work because it does.

[Ebony]

And I. I love that you represent the brand, you represent the business. Pusha P. What you had to do today.

[Dani Shapiro]

I had a listing appointment today. Because I'm a real professional type of. I had to go to a listing appointment.

[Portia P.]

Okay.

[Dani Shapiro]

You know what I mean? Coming soon. About to sell another house. Get me another coin.

[Portia P.]

Yes.

[Dani Shapiro]

Yeah, I was working today.

[Ebony]

We about to make us some money.

[Dani Shapiro]

I was in the field. Look at me. Andre said, I look like a. Like a. Like a schoolgirl in my. He said, oh, look at you, your little uniform.

[Ebony]

I like that uniform. You look like a little intern, though, like you just graduated from high school.

[Dani Shapiro]

I fully know this lady is probably like, how old are you? Trying to sell my house.

[Portia P.]

Right?

[Ebony]

Do you know what you doing, ma'? Am? Are you experienced enough?

[Dani Shapiro]

You know what I'm doing? I'm a real grown adult.

[Portia P.]

Beautiful.

[Ebony]

Thank you.

[Portia P.]

You're welcome.

[Ebony]

Yes, you do. So how was your weekend? How. How has y' all day been since we last communicated.

[Dani Shapiro]

Well, y' all just communicated on Monday?

[Portia P.]

Yes.

[Ebony]

Yeah, but you know, Lex be. She get a lot done from Monday to Wednesday.

[Dani Shapiro]

O Lex be sliding. I wonder where Lexi. Lexi, you be slide. My girl be outside.

[Ebony]

She doing and low key with it.

[Dani Shapiro]

That was yesterday. What'd you do?

[Portia P.]

It was awesome. And today was even great. Today is my. My wellness Wednesday. So I went to get my nails done, got my favorite flowers, and just really, just relaxed. I asada requested a steak, and I haven't had steak in over 20 years, so. But I can make a good one. And so she's been, like, feening for this steak.

[Ebony]

And you make chimichurri sauce with yours?

[Portia P.]

No, it doesn't need it.

[Ebony]

Oh, okay.

[Portia P.]

No, it's just a good. In the cast iron skillet. Garlic, salt and pepper and some rosemary and some. You get the butter.

[Ebony]

I think I seen you cooking the steak before like that.

[Portia P.]

Okay. And so she just loves it. And then she. So she had steak and frites, so I just spent some time with her.

[Ebony]

How long do you let your steak marinate?

[Portia P.]

No marinating at all.

[Ebony]

This is a. Oh, hell no. See, that's what happened. Lex, when y' all be going to these culinary schools. Yes, I am frustrated. Y' all don't take it back to the old school. It's season the meat. You gotta season, you gotta let it marinate.

[Portia P.]

Let me tell you something. It's not about old school and seasoning the meat, but it's about understanding the technique and just the whole fundamentals of.

[Ebony]

I'm gonna tell you how they messing you up.

[Portia P.]

Please tell Portia. Portia the colors.

[Ebony]

Please tell Portia what you said about your meat. What you don't. What they don't. What they teach you not to do no more.

[Portia P.]

They teach you not to wash like your chicken. Oh, hell, no. They say buy it the day of. That's what we were taught. Buy it the day of or the day before and cook your meat.

[Dani Shapiro]

Okay, so for the people who buy in bulk, they'll wash our chicken?

[Ebony]

Well, I mean, they don't clean their chicken.

[Dani Shapiro]

You don't think that it tastes better if you don't.

[Portia P.]

And I grew up. I grew up cleaning my chicken.

[Ebony]

You better continue to clean your chicken.

[Dani Shapiro]

What you clean your chicken with?

[Portia P.]

Who, me?

[Ebony]

A paper towel?

[Dani Shapiro]

What you clean your chicken with a paper towel?

[Ebony]

No, I get vinegar and I get a lemon juice.

[Portia P.]

That's how I used to. My mom used to do that, too. She used to, like, soak her up.

[Ebony]

And I Pull all my fat out.

[Dani Shapiro]

Yeah. I mean, my mother in law, boiling, scolding hot water, white vinegar, salt.

[Portia P.]

Yeah. And we were splashing bacteria and things all over the place.

[Dani Shapiro]

But it's delicious.

[Portia P.]

Yeah, it is.

[Ebony]

But you clean it. You gotta clean your sink after. I don't be sloppy. It ain't like you're cleaning chips.

[Portia P.]

But not everybody. I mean, at home, chef has to take precaution of or ice wipes and making sure they're not transferring bacteria.

[Dani Shapiro]

I clean my meat in a bowl and that's that. And I don't clean it. But I mean, I feel you. You know, everybody.

[Ebony]

I mean, I'm sorry.

[Dani Shapiro]

I also don't marinate steak.

[Portia P.]

Yeah, you're not supposed to.

[Ebony]

I don't marinate steak.

[Dani Shapiro]

I wait till it's room temperature because I don't. I don't.

[Portia P.]

There you go. Boom.

[Ebony]

Y' all gotta taste my steak, y'.

[Portia P.]

All.

[Dani Shapiro]

I taste your daddy steak. I don't know nothing about your steak.

[Ebony]

But my steak tastes just like my papa's steak. And guess steak is good.

[Portia P.]

Papa.

[Ebony]

Papa be marinating that steak.

[Portia P.]

Everybody has a papa.

[Dani Shapiro]

Steak is good as hell.

[Ebony]

Yes.

[Dani Shapiro]

Steak Nazi.

[Ebony]

My steak tastes just like Dennis Rosado Senior.

[Dani Shapiro]

Okay, well, the jury's still out on that. We're gonna have to see next holiday.

[Ebony]

You don't taste my cooking before.

[Dani Shapiro]

I have. I just never had the steak.

[Portia P.]

So let me ask you this. Have y'.

[Ebony]

All.

[Portia P.]

Have y'.

[Ebony]

All.

[Portia P.]

Do y' all wash your steaks too?

[Dani Shapiro]

No.

[Ebony]

Yeah, I rinse my steak. I have to rinse everything because can do that. Listen, let me tell you why your hamburger. Because. No, no, I don't burger meat because it's grounded. But let me tell you why I rinse my steak because you don't know what them butchers are doing back there when they back there handling the meat. It could have been done, dropped on the floor. You don't know.

[Dani Shapiro]

You want to know? There's nothing, I think, like, clean that 400, 500 degrees. It was some hot grease. Tell me that you think the vinegar, like, for real.

[Portia P.]

For real.

[Dani Shapiro]

I'm really cleaning my chicken because I really do think it make it taste better. And that's the truth. I'm not cleaning my chicken because I think that the vinegar is going to get rid of something that the pan won't. If the pan don't sear it off, I can assure you the lemon not.

[Ebony]

It's the thought of it. It does kill it.

[Portia P.]

It will kill it with the temperature.

[Ebony]

Well, we're gonna be extra Killing it even more.

[Dani Shapiro]

I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't rinse my steak. I don't know about that. I gotta ask my mother in law about that. You know, Caribbeans wash everything.

[Ebony]

I rinse my steak and I pat it dry with the paper towel. But I'm not gonna just take the steak out of the pack and throw it and start throw some seasoning on it and cook it.

[Portia P.]

Well. I'll marinate steak. If I'm making like a carne asada and you want it marinated or the kids love this Korean beef dish that I do. So then I'll marinate it in those seasonings and stuff. But other than that, no, you let it sit out.

[Dani Shapiro]

Give us the culinary tips.

[Portia P.]

I want to know what the people are saying.

[Dani Shapiro]

I want to know what they're saying.

[Portia P.]

You on it, though?

[Ebony]

No. We need a boat. Do y' all wash y' all meat? Yes or no? We need to know, do y' all wash?

[Portia P.]

Yes, Majority, yes. Majority of people do wash their meat. I'm giving you.

[Ebony]

And what's wrong with the people who don't wash their meat because they have.

[Portia P.]

Some kind of culinary awareness because their profession was taught that way.

[Dani Shapiro]

She just called us some pinions.

[Portia P.]

No, I'm just saying, I mean, you know, if I wouldn't, you know, that's the whole point of going to culinary school to get. I love it, you know.

[Ebony]

I, I don't know, I just can't. I can't change tradition. Even if I went to culinary school, I was still probably. I, I know it ain't no probably. I would still wash my meat. Because their reasoning for not washing your meat was not spread, spread, spread bacteria.

[Portia P.]

And because, you know, food is traced through FDA contamination and how you're supposed to keep it refrigerate, like refrigerated all these things, you know.

[Dani Shapiro]

Do you think that it makes it taste better, though? If you, like, let it sit in the vinegar and you cut the little slits in it and you.

[Portia P.]

If I for sure if that's the intended dish for it to be. Yeah. Okay.

[Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford]

My Uncle Chris is definitely somebody worth talking about. He was the kind of guy that lived in a trailer with an ex con and a retired stripper, left loaded machine guns laying around, drank a bottle of whiskey a night, claimed he could kill a man with his bare hands, drove a garbage truck for a living, spoke fluent Spanish with a thick southern accent, and is currently buried in a crypt alongside the founding families of Panama. Listen to the Uncle Chris podcast to Hear all about him. And a whole lot more. Wild stories about adventure, romance, crime, history and war intertwine as I share the tall tales and hard truths that have helped me understand Uncle Chris. This collection of stories will make you laugh. It'll make you cry. And if I do my job right, they'll let you see the world and your place in it in a whole new way. I can't wait to tell you all about Uncle Chris. Listen now to Uncle Chris on Will Ferrell's Big Money Players Network, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

[Ebony]

Kelly Harnett spent over a decade in prison for a murder she says she didn't commit.

[Dani Shapiro]

I'm 100% innocent.

[Ebony]

While behind bars, she learned the law from scratch.

[Dani Shapiro]

He goes, oh, God. Harnett, jailhouse lawyer.

[Ebony]

And as she fought for herself, she also became a lifeline for the women locked up alongside her.

[Portia P.]

You're supposed to have your faith in God, but I had nothing but faith in her.

[Ebony]

So many of these women had lived the same stories.

[Portia P.]

I said, were you a victim of domestic violence?

[Ebony]

And she was like, yeah, but maybe Kelly could change the ending.

[Portia P.]

I said, how many people have gotten other incarcerated individuals out of here? I'm going to be the first one to do that.

[Ebony]

This is the story of Kelly Harnett, a woman who spent 12 years fighting not just for her own freedom, but her girlfriend's, too. I think I have a mission from.

[Dani Shapiro]

God to save souls by getting people out of prison.

[Ebony]

The girlfriends, jailhouse lawyer. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Portia P.]

So what happened to Chappaquiddick? Well, it really depends on who you talk to.

[Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford]

There are many versions of what happened in 1969 when a young Ted Kennedy drove a car into a pond and.

[Dani Shapiro]

Left a woman behind to drown.

[Portia P.]

There's a famous headline, I think, in the New York Daily News. It's teddy Escapes.

[Dani Shapiro]

Blonde Drowns.

[Portia P.]

And in a strange way, right, that sort of tells you the story really became about Ted's political future, Ted's political hopes. Will Ted become president?

[Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford]

Kappaquiddick is a story of a tragic death and how the Kennedy machine took control.

[Portia P.]

And he's not the only Kennedy to survive a scandal.

[Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford]

The Kennedys have lived through disgrace, affairs, violence, you name it. So is there a curse? Every week we go behind the headlines and beyond the drama of America's royal family.

[Dani Shapiro]

Listen to United States of Kennedy on.

[Portia P.]

The iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever.

[Dani Shapiro]

You get your Podcast.

[Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford]

The summer of 1993 was one of the best of my life. I'm journalist Jeff Pearlman and this is Rick Jervis.

[Portia P.]

We were interns at the Nashville Tennesse Inn. But the most unforgettable part, our roommate, Reggie Payne from Oakland, sports editor and.

[Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford]

Aspiring rapper and his stage name, Sexy Sweat. In 2020, I had a simple idea. Let's find Reggie.

[Portia P.]

We searched everywhere, but Reggie was gone. In February 2020, Reggie was having a diabetic episode. His mom called 911. Police cuffed him face down.

[Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford]

He slipped into a coma and died.

[Portia P.]

I'm like, thanking you, but then I.

[Dani Shapiro]

See my son's not moving.

[Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford]

No headlines, no outrage, just silence.

[Portia P.]

So we started digging and uncovered city officials bent on protecting their own.

[Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford]

Listen to finding Sexy Sweat on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Ebony]

So, Portia, you gonna. You about to start not washing your chicken.

[Dani Shapiro]

I can't do that. That lady will hang me by my feet. If you see me over there, I'm trying to make some chicken for. For her son and them grandchildren.

[Portia P.]

Salop.

[Dani Shapiro]

That's what Haitians call you when they think you dirty. Salop. You looking at me like this.

[Ebony]

If I would go in my grandma kitchen and my mama and my grandma see me pull some chicken out of a pack of. Out of a pack, fresh out of the pack and just throw it, season it, throw seasoning on there and cook it. I will get the worst cursing up and down that house. And they probably would kick my ass and send me back down to Florida.

[Portia P.]

Well, my family will receive it because they're just like, Lex, you got it and would and tear it up.

[Ebony]

Listen, my family from the south, they are country. Country.

[Portia P.]

Yeah, I get it. My mom is still, you know, we.

[Ebony]

Don'T even let everybody. We don't even eat from certain family members houses. We don't eat half the family cooking. We pay attention to who is in the kitchen. Everybody can't come in the kitchen during the holidays because you be scratching your head. You do all this, y'.

[Dani Shapiro]

All. The chat. Not washing their meat. Pause, but wait. What? Not washing their meat, y'. All.

[Portia P.]

Thank you, Chad. Because they. We're more educated and we're breaking. We're breaking generational, you know, traditions.

[Ebony]

I refuse to believe that's very much.

[Portia P.]

It's really much from, you know, our Caribbean and our black family members and such. That's what we do. I grew up doing the exact same thing. Washing the meat. Washing the meat that comes from just, you Know, we'll take it back all the way to slavery. We had to wash everything because we were given the scraps. So we had to make something out of nothing. You know, so that becomes traditional. And we in these households and we just know that we gotta get this meat, we gotta get it in bulk, we gotta freeze it. All these things.

[Dani Shapiro]

Yeah, you don't have to wash it. Usually I buy it fresh that day. Girl who is running to the grocery.

[Portia P.]

Store every day to get a pack.

[Ebony]

Of chicken or the day before.

[Portia P.]

Yeah, there's, there's different standards of. That's a lot bacteria spreading and you know, just because if you think about it, it goes from, from the farms to being butchered and then, you know, you know, the whole process, distribution. So the, the sooner you get your meat from the store, the. And you, you should cook it.

[Dani Shapiro]

Teach me something, Lex.

[Ebony]

Yeah, so when you freeze it ain't really.

[Portia P.]

I mean, sometimes it's better to freeze it if, you know, you're not going to eat it within a couple of days.

[Ebony]

Okay. Sexy Lex. Chef. Chef girl. Our Lex President's list. You know, I'm still gonna wash my chicken.

[Portia P.]

I understand. I have to.

[Ebony]

All right, let's get into it, y'. All. Our first topic today, lowering your expectations in dating. Soulmate or settling. Let's be real. Are our standards and dating becoming so high that we're actually blocking love? The current dating, dating culture is full of checklists. Six figure salary, no kids, six two tall, dark and handsome, emotionally intelligent, well dressed, good teeth, owns property, passport ready. And the list goes on. But are these high expectations helping us find the one or pushing potential soul mates away? Some women are starting to wonder, if I lowered my expectations, would I be in a relationship by now?

[Dani Shapiro]

Yes.

[Ebony]

Or would I just be miserable with someone I settled for?

[Portia P.]

I feel like there is power in possessing who you are and what you're going to be able to bend with and to match with somebody eventually. You know, we're here to love the human experience is to love and endure it, to give it, to raise it, to embody, embody it. So, you know, the hopeless romantic in me is always like, you know, let's connect. Let's, you know, it's a fairy tale. Let's, you know, it's going to be this romantic, you know, cute meat and, you know, there's real life. This is not something you could read, you know, from a fairy tale or watch it on Disney Channel, you know what I mean? So, like, I just look at it like if this person's Meant to be with me. We're going to align, we're going to have this, you know, I can see, I can see that I want that connection. You know, it's not about the Lauren, the standard. I feel like I want to encompass somebody that I can reflect what I love to do. Whether that's travel, whether that's eating out, whether that's, you know, knowing how to raise children properly and surround them with certain things and experiences. Like that's what I was seeing in somebody that's a mate. Now, the standard of what certain people have, their bar, it should be some kind of wiggle room because some people are very, you know, they, they can kind of cap out or they don't want to change how they are about certain things, whether they save, whether they're more fr, Whether they aren't going to leave a city, they're not going to bend just these little, these rules and passport. If you're a traveler and I don't think you should compromise, you know, if your mate is someone that should appreciate your love of travel, you know, so like there's some non negotiables and then there's also some, like you can bend, like trying to make someone that you really love be your match. I feel like that is the ultimate goal. You know what I mean? So, like it's okay to have some differences, but you want to have a lot of, like, you want to have a lot that you have in common, that at least there's a sense of like, I know who she is, I know who he is, I know who they are. And that's who they. That's who, that's what they're going to do. That fuels their passion, that makes them a good spouse, that makes them a good partner, all these beautiful things. So I think we got to like lay off of being super strict on what we expect, you know, because we should be bringing that to the table too or giving some other strengths, you know what I mean? So that's, that's my take on that.

[Dani Shapiro]

And expectations the same thing. What you ask for are standards and expectations, like the same thing. Expectations seems a little bit more fluid. Compromising standards seems very, very. I don't know, like, you can't just expect for somebody to be tall. Either they tall or they not. But if that's what you need to be, then that's what. I don't know. I feel like either way, I agree with you, Lex. People need to be flexible. And I also think that people who have too many standards are not even Too many, but high. You know, if your standards are too high, I feel like you putting yourself in a situation to where you gonna stay single.

[Portia P.]

Yeah. And that's why I was saying you're gonna compromise low key, missing out on someone just because you're like they weren't all of this whole list that I been fantasizing about and reading about or scrolling and seeing and just expecting it. We were putting way too much pressure on each other, you know what I mean? For the sake of like love or the sake of just being lonely or alone, you know, I'm a stand in this until this Prince Charming comes out the way. You know, we're all guilty of like these beautiful romantic matches, you know, if those of us that are lucky to like experience that. But at the same time you have to understand the integrity of what you're really getting into. Like this is serious. This is, this is like building families. This is like connecting and this is like sharing assets and all these, you know, it's a lot. So we have to take that serious. So I get having certain, like this is what is the qualification? Yeah, this is what I see in this person. This is what I'm praying on. This is something that is very important to me. Yeah, you could stand on that. Your spirituality or they're bringing in a certain amount of money or you want this kind of lifestyle, like you want to travel, you want to do this, you want to. Those kind of things you can really, you know, set for yourself. But at the same time, yeah, there's more personal things that we, you know, we gotta start bending on, you know, again.

[Ebony]

But you know, one of the things that I, I got out of the mindset of was looking at the looks first. And I felt like every time, like I always had a, a set. My type was tall, dark chocolate, you gotta be. But I've got, I don't look at that now. Now that I'm, you know, I, I'm in a new situation. He's the opposite of the tall chocolate, right. I mean he got a little height to him, but I mean it's not what you, you would normally see.

[Dani Shapiro]

Yeah.

[Ebony]

And I got to, instead of looking at the looks, you know, we had conversations, we talked. I didn't know what the income was, what this was. They didn't know anything. I just met that person as a person. Connection, it's just everything, the connection was there and everything, you know, is aligning. So I would say that it's a.

[Dani Shapiro]

Safe bet is to just stay open minded because I would say When I lived in la, I worked at a restaurant and I was there for like five or six years. But I worked with all of these incredible women, beautiful women. They were actresses, singers, producers, gorgeous women.

[Portia P.]

Right.

[Dani Shapiro]

And they were, you know, from the age of 21, 41, you know what I mean? From different countries, foreign women, American women. It was easily like one of the best jobs I've ever had. And I learned so much from all of those women because we used to get off work and we sit down with a glass of wine and we would just talk. There was a few of them, you know what I mean, who were very. No nonsense, very. Oh, we went on a date. He didn't call me the next day. He's done. Oh, I text him this and he didn't text me back. Oh, it's done. Oh, we went out to dinner, we had a conversation of blah, blah, blah. And this happened. Oh, it's done. And it was just like, they were like, you try it and you out the door. Shade. No shade. Like they still a person. Because if you have all of that stuff, if you don't give people room, if you don't give room for a man to show up, you will just. You end up just missing out on somebody simply because do something right that they didn't know they were supposed to do. Right. And it's insane to think that you're supposed to meet somebody and they're supposed to know exactly how to treat you. It's different. You're just like a person. He needs to open doors, he needs to do this, he needs to do that, blah, blah, blah. But everybody doesn't care about that. It sounds good.

[Portia P.]

Yes.

[Dani Shapiro]

You want a man to open doors and pull out chairs.

[Ebony]

They really not out doing that.

[Portia P.]

They don't care.

[Dani Shapiro]

We can go to a restaurant.

[Portia P.]

Yeah.

[Dani Shapiro]

We vibe and I'm gonna pull out my own chair and sit down. I don't give a shit. You know, like. But some women, for them that's just like. It says a lot about that guy. And it's, I feel think it's unfair because those things you don't know, they don't know how to treat you until you tell them how to treat you.

[Portia P.]

That's right.

[Dani Shapiro]

And if you have these expectations that are uncommunicated, then you're just going to lose out on somebody who simply would have done it had he known he was supposed to.

[Ebony]

Exactly. Unexpected. Communicate. What is it called? Dang, what's the word?

[Dani Shapiro]

Communicated expectations.

[Ebony]

Yeah. Uncommunicated expectations.

[Portia P.]

Yeah.

[Ebony]

That's what how a Lot of relationships end, fail or you overlook like, like you said he is because of that you don't know what, what you this person may not know what you want unless you say it. And every relationship is different. That's why you got to lay it out there. You can't expect someone to think and know everything that you like and you want. Getting into a relationship, communication is key for sure.

[Portia P.]

That should definitely be number one on the list. That should be the standard and the expectation.

[Dani Shapiro]

Knowing how to talk.

[Portia P.]

Please tell me how you feel and.

[Ebony]

Don'T show me don't.

[Portia P.]

Right, let's talk about it.

[Ebony]

Oh, I hate when somebody shut down. I cannot be with someone who shut, who just shuts down. I don't like going to bed angry. I don't like. Never mind when. Oh, it pisses me off when we're having a conversation.

[Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford]

My Uncle Chris is definitely somebody worth talking about. He was the kind of guy that used Confederate flags as window curtains, lived in a trailer with an ex con and a retired stripper, left loaded machine guns laying around, drank a bottle of whiskey a night, claimed he could kill a man with his bare hands, drove a garbage truck for a living, spoke fluent Spanish with a thick Southern accent, and is currently buried in a crypt alongside the founding families of Panama. Listen to the Uncle Chris podcast to hear all about him and a whole lot more. This collection of stories will make you laugh, it'll make you cry, and if I do my job right, they'll let you see the world and your place in it in a whole new way. I can't wait to tell you all about Uncle Chris. Listen now to Uncle Chris on Will Ferrell's Big Money Players Network, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

[Ebony]

Kelly Harnett spent over a decade in prison for a murder she says she didn't commit.

[Dani Shapiro]

I'm 100% innocent.

[Ebony]

While behind bars, she learned the law from scratch.

[Dani Shapiro]

He goes, oh, God.

[Portia P.]

Harnett, jailhouse lawyer.

[Ebony]

And as she fought for herself, she also became a lifeline for the women locked up alongside her.

[Portia P.]

You're supposed to have your faith in God, but I had nothing but faith in her.

[Ebony]

So many of these women had lived the same stories.

[Portia P.]

I said, were you a victim of domestic violence?

[Ebony]

And she was like, yeah, but maybe Kelly could change the ending.

[Portia P.]

I said, how many people people have gotten other incarcerated individuals out of here. I'm going to be the first one to do that.

[Ebony]

This is the story of Kelly Harnett, a woman who spent 12 years fighting not just for her own freedom, but her girlfriend's too. I think I have a mission from.

[Dani Shapiro]

God to save souls by getting people out of prison.

[Ebony]

The girlfriends, jailhouse lawyer. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.

[Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford]

What would you do if one bad decision forced you to choose between a maximum security prison or the most brutal boot camp designed to be hell on earth? Unfortunately for Mark Lombardo, this was the choice he faced.

[Portia P.]

He said, you are a number, a.

[Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford]

New York state number, and we own you. Shock incarceration, also known as boot camp, are short term, highly regimented correctional programs that mimic military basic training. These programs aim to provide a shock of prison life, emphasizing strict discipline, physical training, hard labor, and rehabilitation programs. Mark had one chance to complete this program and had no idea of the hell awaiting him the next six months.

[Portia P.]

The first night was overwhelming, and you don't know who's next to you, and.

[Ebony]

We didn't know what to expect.

[Portia P.]

In the morning, nobody tells you anything.

[Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford]

Listen to shock incarceration on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Portia P.]

So what happened to Chappaquiddick? Well, it really depends on who you talk to.

[Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford]

There are many versions of what happened in 1969 when a young Ted Kennedy drove a car into a pond and.

[Dani Shapiro]

Left a woman behind to drown.

[Portia P.]

There's a famous headline, I think, in.

[Dani Shapiro]

The New York Daily News, it's teddy escapes, blonde drowns.

[Portia P.]

And in a strange way, right, that sort of tells you the story really became about Ted's political future, Ted's political hopes. Will Ted become president?

[Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford]

Capaquiddick is a story of a tragic death and how the Kennedy machine took control.

[Portia P.]

And he's not the only Kennedy to survive a scandal.

[Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford]

The Kennedys have lived through disgrace, affairs, violence, you name it. So is there a curse? Every week we go behind the headlines and beyond the drama of America's royal family.

[Dani Shapiro]

Listen to United States of Kennedy on.

[Portia P.]

The iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast.

[Ebony]

Don't worry. Never mind. What the kids.

[Portia P.]

That's horrible. If you're the type that wants to work it out, then work it out. Yeah. You're like, I don't care how. What time we go to sleep. We need to.

[Ebony]

Don't worry about it. Never mind.

[Dani Shapiro]

Yeah, like, y' all are really just describing every woman and then every man. Every woman is like, we need to talk about this. And every man is like, never mind. I don't.

[Ebony]

Because they hate communicating a lot of men hate to express themselves.

[Portia P.]

That tone can be a little heavy too. Like, you know, when you say we need to talk, they're like having flashbacks.

[Ebony]

But I don't even be like that. I'd be like, baby, can we just talk about it?

[Dani Shapiro]

They heard the same thing. Sometimes I'll just be like, babe. And he knows. Hey, babe. Oh, Porsche, I don't have time. He knows. I don't even have to say that.

[Ebony]

Because they always assuming it's gonna be some type of altercation, which probably it is. You know, women, how we are. But I do not like arguing. I like to just lay it out there. I don't like going to bed angry. I want to see how we can fix this issue so we don't have to continue to go to, you know.

[Dani Shapiro]

Yeah.

[Ebony]

Depend dwell on it. But it's just like, I don't know with our men. They do not like to communicate.

[Portia P.]

Nobody ever told them, I think it's getting better, though.

[Dani Shapiro]

You think it's getting better or do you think it swings hard in the other direction?

[Portia P.]

I think it's getting better just because, again, we are having more resources at the palm of our hands. And I feel like our generations are understanding that they should be talking to therapists. They should be talking it out, they should be figuring things out, they should be searching things out. So it's like becoming very much like our children. That's the first thing they want to do is soak up so much energy because they're able to search for it that there's low key spelling. They're low key, you know, like they're trying to understand. So I look at it like our children are more informed than we were because we would have to, like, get to a library and go find the encyclopedias and then look for the S. And knowing that it's only like two S's, one's checked out. The one you need to look up stakes is gone. So, like, they're able to access so much information and so much, you know, a quicker amount of time. So, you know, just think it's.

[Ebony]

I don't know. I think we still have a long way to go.

[Dani Shapiro]

We do have a long way to go. We have a long way to go. But I do also agree that people are just black men specifically are getting more comfortable talking about their feelings and being open to therapy and stuff. But I don't need that thing to swing too hard in the other direction because people go to therapy, they start diagnosing themselves, they start leaning. They start leaning on the Crutches, a chronic anxiety, adhd. And it's like just feeding everyone's narcissism because you go and you sit down with somebody and you talk about yourself for an hour and you do it all the time. I just think, you know what I mean, it's exercise.

[Portia P.]

It's definitely exercise. It's like practicing for everything else, you know?

[Ebony]

Yeah, you gotta go often.

[Dani Shapiro]

Do we have to go to therapy often, though?

[Ebony]

But therapy doesn't have to mean sitting in, sitting to hear a third person diagnose you with all this diagnose you just read.

[Dani Shapiro]

Sometimes I feel like therapists just reaffirm you and they just, they. I mean, if you are, if you're the type of person that's walking around and you're not really feeling validated in your experience, in your relationships or in your life. I mean, I've been to a therapist, I've been to marriage counseling. I've been to a therapist on my own and I can't think of one thing. I know that I'm awesome, but he agreed with everything I said. And I know that I'm always right.

[Ebony]

But damn, you know what I mean?

[Dani Shapiro]

And I was like, are we paying you to agree with me? Because this feels too good. I feel validated right now.

[Portia P.]

Well, they're just going off of clinical research, obviously and trying to help you understand your brain. That's all it is. It's just them spending more time with, helping us translate what we got going on. A lot of us are fucked up.

[Dani Shapiro]

Yeah.

[Portia P.]

You know, lack of better words help us out of the trauma. So it's like now that of trying to understand, like, who am I? Why do I do this? How can I be a better person? How can I be a better husband, wife, child, mother, father, co parent, all these things. Co worker.

[Dani Shapiro]

Yeah.

[Portia P.]

Because we have to all intertwine with each other. So like, you know, that's why there's therapy. That's why you have to understand what's going on with you. People are really trying to understand their being.

[Dani Shapiro]

Yeah.

[Ebony]

I feel like the best communication and the best therapy is once you and your partner sit there and allow each other to understand each other, get to know each other and express how you feel and learn each other. Because some you, a third party can listen to what you say all the time. You, you forget sometimes you're dating a narcissist and they could tell that therapist what they want you to hear and it's not the real them. So it's just understanding who you are and your Partner and y' all communicating it out, I just. I don't know.

[Dani Shapiro]

Let me tell you something about couples therapy. Couples therapy is not. It's not the jam if you're not willing to be completely honest. And that's the thing for women are more likely to go into a situation and want to lay it all out because they really do want the help. But the way that a man is set up, and rightfully so, is he don't really want his business. And you know what I mean?

[Ebony]

It's embarrassing.

[Dani Shapiro]

It is embarrassing. It's embarrassing. It's probably more embarrassing for them than it is for us because we're just wired differently. So for you to sit down in front of a therapist and tell them the problem that you're having with your spouse and you're talking about his weaknesses, his shortcomings, what he did wrong, and if you can't be completely honest, you're not going to get anywhere. But then I also very much believe in the problems that we have in our house need to be, as long as they're not, like, detrimental to our health or our well being. You know what I mean? Like, whatever we're dealing with, we just need to deal with that, because we can, and we have the tools to deal with it. But I do feel like it's very difficult for men to give people their business because they have a lot of pride and ego and sit down, tell a stranger essentially what they not doing right, what they doing wrong.

[Portia P.]

That's.

[Dani Shapiro]

That's hard for anybody.

[Portia P.]

Especially for anyone. That's what I was going to say. It's hard for anyone.

[Dani Shapiro]

Yeah, that's. That's difficult. And I. I found that. I think the. The therapy did help us for that particular situation because it's crazy how it made me understand him more. It made me just. Maybe just hearing it from somebody else. He explained. He's like, you know what? Well, he's a boxer, so this is how his brain is working. And he really explained it. Like, Andre approaches everything like a fight. Not like he wants to fight, but he approaches everything like he's going into a fight. So he has to train for it. He prepares for it. He's watching film on it, he's dissecting it. You know what I mean? So he really explained to me, like, why at the time he was acting the way he was acting. And I was like, oh, okay. So it helped in that regard. But for me, I didn't want to, like, give too much information because I didn't want to offend Andre. By, you know, saying everything that I thought.

[Ebony]

Right.

[Dani Shapiro]

You know, because I was like, I got to go home with him, and he gonna be looking at me like, I cannot believe you said that, bitch. Why would you say that?

[Ebony]

Right?

[Dani Shapiro]

I don't know. I think it helps, but then it doesn't help.

[Portia P.]

I just think with everything practice makes perfect. Right? So just the more you go, if you have these issues or. And then you can. You can scale back, too. You know, a therapist will be like, all right. You know, you. You've reached that peak. You've done that. You can cross up.

[Dani Shapiro]

Anybody doing that, girl, they want that check.

[Ebony]

They want their money. That's true. Okay, this is a good question. Have you ever regretted turning someone down because they weren't enough at the time you met them?

[Portia P.]

Ever regretted.

[Ebony]

You passed up on something?

[Dani Shapiro]

No.

[Portia P.]

No, I don't have any regrets for that. Nope. No, we overlooked someone.

[Dani Shapiro]

Have you answered the question, friend?

[Portia P.]

Yes. That was about to say, Cheryl.

[Ebony]

Have I ever regretted turning someone down because they weren't enough? I wouldn't say they weren't enough. I. I probably would say I regretted not getting to know someone because. Because I overlooked. I was looking at the wrong things at the time. Like, you notice now I don't look at what I'm attracted to first. So, yeah, I would say I have.

[Dani Shapiro]

We gonna talk when we get off the podcast. I'm trying to see who you talking. Why? Trying to see who you talking about, friend.

[Ebony]

Touch your nose. Push your feet. Touch your nose.

[Portia P.]

Touch your nose.

[Dani Shapiro]

And you finna tell me I'm crying.

[Ebony]

You know, I am, you know, a friend. Girl, shut up. Could someone who doesn't meet your physical type become your favorite partner?

[Portia P.]

Yeah. Yeah. 100.

[Ebony]

That's the situation now. Like, I feel like the person who I'm talking to now. He could be my favorite part.

[Dani Shapiro]

She's gushing. I like this. This might be the third time she done brought him up. Let me.

[Portia P.]

Okay.

[Dani Shapiro]

I don't want to change the subject, because before, you was just like. I mean, if I ever meet somebody and I'm sitting there looking at you, you met somebody. But it's okay.

[Ebony]

But, girl, listen.

[Dani Shapiro]

You see, now we're in a space where it's.

[Ebony]

Look, look, Portia.

[Dani Shapiro]

Look at it like this.

[Ebony]

Portia, I got that call. He was like, in that thick accent.

[Portia P.]

Don't tell trouble right now.

[Ebony]

Hold up. I ain't even finna imitate accent.

[Dani Shapiro]

Don't get up too much.

[Ebony]

He's single. Back. Oh, no, he didn't say back.

[Dani Shapiro]

Yeah, he don't say that. So he straightened you, but look at you over there. You got your chin in.

[Ebony]

I was like. It wasn't like that. It wasn't like that. I promise it wasn't.

[Dani Shapiro]

You might as well lay on your stomach and kick your feet. You over there.

[Portia P.]

Yeah.

[Dani Shapiro]

Cause I just feel like the guy with me.

[Portia P.]

Lay on your stomach and kick your feet.

[Dani Shapiro]

Kick your feet.

[Ebony]

Look, with the cord around.

[Portia P.]

I love it.

[Dani Shapiro]

We've crossed the threshold. You see? You see how things are progressing? I like this.

[Ebony]

Listen, I'm in the ghetto. I told Lex, I said, I'll be back living the good life in a few more days.

[Portia P.]

You're so funny.

[Ebony]

Because I'm being a peasant right now. I have to drive for myself. I have to cook for myself. Sherrelle.

[Portia P.]

Sherrell. That is not being a peasant.

[Ebony]

I've been a peasant. Right now I miss the good life. The good life. I didn't have to do anything. I had a call button. Chef, can you make me this?

[Portia P.]

Can I get.

[Ebony]

Don't give the people all the tea, bitch.

[Dani Shapiro]

You ain't supposed to give the tea.

[Ebony]

Okay, okay.

[Portia P.]

Humble daddies right now.

[Dani Shapiro]

Let me check the chat, though.

[Portia P.]

Oh, my goodness.

[Ebony]

Y' all are hilarious.

[Dani Shapiro]

Keep playing. They gonna find who that man is.

[Ebony]

Oh, they'll never find it. They'll never find it. They'll never find it.

[Portia P.]

Join iHeartRadio and Sarah Spain in celebrating the one year anniversary of iHeart Women's Sports. With powerful interviews and insider analysis, our shows have connected fans with the heart of women's Sports. In just one year, the network has launched 15 shows and built a community united by passion podcasts that amplify the voices of women in sports. Thank you for supporting I heart women's sports and our founding sponsors, E L F, Beauty, Capital One and Novartis. Just open the free iHeart app and search iHeart Women's Sports to listen now. Welcome to Pretty Private with ebony, the podcast where silence is broken and stories are set free. I'm Ebony and every Tuesday I'll be sharing all new anonymous stories that would challenge your perceptions of and give you new insight on the people around you. Every Tuesday, make sure you listen to Pretty Private from the Black Effect Podcast network. Tune in on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. I'm Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford, host of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. I know how overwhelming it can feel if flying makes you anxious. In session 418 of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, Dr. Angela Neal Barnett.

[Dani Shapiro]

And I discuss flight anxiety.

[Portia P.]

What is not normal is to allow it to prevent you from doing the things that you want to do, the things that you were meant to do. Listen to therapy for Black Girls on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Your entire identity has been fabricated. Your beloved brother goes missing without a trace. You discover the depths of your mother's illness. I'm Dani Shapiro, and these are just a few of the powerful stories I'll be mining on our upcoming 12th season of Family Secrets. We continue to be moved and inspired by our guests and their courageously told stories. Listen to Family Secrets Season 12 on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Ebony]

This is an iHeart podcast.