Male Vs Men: Dondre Whitfield Joins To Explain The Difference! | Truth After Dark

Summary

Club Shay Shay: "Male Vs Men: Dondre Whitfield Joins To Explain The Difference!" | Truth After Dark

Release Date: February 2, 2026
Host: Cesar Faraday (w/ Paul Pierce)
Guest: Dondre Whitfield (Actor, Author, Activist)

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Episode Overview

This episode welcomes Dondre Whitfield—actor, author, and activist—to discuss the themes from his book Male vs. Man. The conversation centers on redefining manhood, the distinction between being a male and being a man, the importance of mentorship and emotional health for men, navigating purpose, relationships, and healing generational wounds. With NBA champ Paul Pierce as co-host, the group delves into culture, accountability, and practical insights on how both men and women can better support each other.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Difference Between Males and Men

• Central Concept: Males "look to be served." Men "look to be of service."
• Quote: "The concept of the book was that males look to be served while men look to be of service. Guys have to become proficient at being a man first before anything else." (Dondre, 11:05)
• Manhood is more than masculinity: It's about serving others—your family, your team, your community.

2. Mentorship and Community Support

• Story from “the yard”/gym: Dondre recounts talk-down of a violent situation, steering another man away from a confrontation for the sake of his sons and the gym community.
  • Quote: "If you go in there and you get this dude and you drag him out here... you will gain no one's respect. But if you don't, you're going to gain everybody's respect." (Dondre, 09:02)
  • Impact: His actions set a positive example for both men and women present.
• Men need to be "big bros": Take responsibility to give male peers emotional support and guidance.
  • "I hug people before people even really knew me. Why? Because that's my bro." (Dondre, 15:03)

3. Purpose, Happiness & The Burden of Pain

• Happiness vs. Purpose: Achievements and material success give fleeting happiness. Purpose provides sustained fulfillment.
  • Quote: "Your manhood defines your humanity. Your purpose defines your happiness." (Dondre, 16:10)
  • Paul reflects on winning a championship not providing lasting happiness compared to time lost with family (18:54).
• Pain as a pathway to purpose: Dondre shares his guilt and pain after losing his best friend in a motorcycle accident, saying pain often signals your assignment in life.
  • "The thing that you're most in pain about is probably your purpose. Most people never get to their purpose because we're so busy running from pain." (Dondre, 90:13)

4. Relationship Dynamics: Submission, Leadership, and Gender Roles

• Submission is mutual & dynamic: Dondre and his wife support each other, rather than enforcing outdated gender roles.
  • Quote: "I submit to my wife all day, every day. She dictates what we eat... All of that. My wife dictates all of that... So when I say to you I need you to do X, Y, and Z, I expect you to submit to my provision. Because I submit to you all day. This is a dance." (Dondre, 62:11)
• Healthy communication: Partners support and complete each other, rather than compete.
  • "We are equally important but not equal in function." (Dondre, 46:39)
  • Analogy: Couples standing back-to-back, covering each other's blind spots.
• Accountability between partners: Dondre praises humility and accountability as key for male leadership. He recalls apologizing for a family decision and seeking counsel to improve.

5. Healing Generational Wounds

• Fatherhood and absent fathers: Dondre speaks candidly about his complicated relationship with his father, kidnapping, and prison. He emphasizes the importance of men filling those gaps for each other.
  • "Our job is to give each other the supplemental love that we didn't get from our father that we supposed to get from our brother." (Dondre, 16:12)
• Mentoring younger men: Encourages older men to proactively mentor young men in their circles, especially where fathers are absent.

6. Gender Stereotypes and Social Narratives

• Undervaluing manhood: Dondre points out the contradictory social narrative—men are underperforming and yet described as "unnecessary".
  • "How can we be hearing constantly how men are underperforming and at the same time hear how unnecessary men are?" (Dondre, 35:04)
• Need for grace: He calls for the same grace to be extended to men as is often afforded women, especially in handling trauma or public mistakes.

7. Communication Differences and Triggers

• Trauma and communication: So much relational conflict is trauma-driven, not just about the topic at hand.
  • "You see things through the lens of your trauma... we're bleeding on people who didn’t cut us." (Host, 63:47/64:04)
• Men and emotional expression: Men often “suffer in silence” for fear of shame; there’s a stigma against male vulnerability.
  • "We need to start looking at men like the human beings that we are that also suffer. Yes, our sisters suffer, but our brothers suffer in a different way. We suffer in silence." (Dondre, 77:44)

8. Personal Growth, Compatibility, and Evolving in Relationships

• Growth over time: Both Paul and Dondre stress the importance of evolving and not expecting acceptance of past behaviors.
  • "I think as you grow, you gotta evolve… you can't be the same person you was five years ago, still doing the same old shit." (Paul Pierce, 58:40)

9. Purpose, Aging, and Community

• Purpose sustains longevity: Drawing from "Blue Zones", Dondre notes people with purpose and strong community ties tend to live longer, healthier lives.
  • "Your coffee cannot be your purpose... your glass of wine... your swing set... can't be your purpose." (Dondre, 84:53)
• Elders as teachers: In other cultures, elders support communities with wisdom; encourages listeners not to discard elders but see their value.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Males look to be served, men look to be of service." (Dondre, 11:05)
• "If he loses, I lose. If he wins, we all win." (Dondre, 12:22)
• "Your manhood defines your humanity. Your purpose defines your happiness." (Dondre, 16:10)
• "It's not fashionable to be a man right now." (Dondre, 34:13)
• "There's a difference between, 'that's what I did,' and, 'that's who I am.'" (Dondre, 67:34)
• "Pain is your assignment." (Dondre, 90:13)
• "We are equally important, but not equal in function." (Dondre, 46:39)
• "When you know, you have an assignment. The way you leveled up—now your job is to level someone else up." (Dondre, 81:17)
• "Your coffee cannot be your purpose ... your glass of wine ... can't be your purpose." (Dondre, 84:53)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [06:27] Dondre welcomed; gym conflict story; importance of modeling mature behavior
• [11:05] Male vs. Man—central thesis explained
• [16:12] Healing wounds from fatherlessness
• [18:54] Paul reflects on family, purpose and happiness
• [22:07] Rapid-fire “More or Less” segment on relationship boundaries
• [24:46] Dondre on sexual discipline, temptations, and fidelity
• [46:39] Compatibility vs. equality in partnerships
• [60:31] Dondre’s “lion in a cage” analogy; the true meaning of submission and power dynamics at home
• [63:47] How trauma filters conflict
• [75:12] On mentorship and claiming "bonus nephews"
• [77:44] Men suffering in silence; breaking emotional barriers
• [81:17] "The burden of knowing"—responsibility of wisdom
• [83:08] Blue Zones research and purpose in longevity
• [90:13] Dondre’s story of losing his best friend and finding purpose through pain

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Final Takeaways

• Manhood is a service position. It’s defined not by dominance or conquest, but by service to others—family, team, community.
• Purpose is the driver of true, lasting happiness. Pain often points the way to purpose.
• Communication, accountability, and vulnerability are essential for men and women. Both must learn to navigate and heal their traumas.
• Mentorship and community care matter. Male elders and peers must step up for the younger generation and each other.
• Respect, partnership, and mutual submission in relationships lead to harmony; competition and rigidity breed conflict.
• Everyone is responsible for using their wisdom to uplift others.

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Further Resources

• Dondre Whitfield’s book: Male vs. Man (and upcoming book on purpose)
• Coaching and seminars: Details mentioned to be provided in the show notes

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Whether you're seeking insight on masculinity, relationships, or living a purposeful life, this episode is packed with wisdom and heartfelt stories that resonate with anyone navigating what it truly means to grow into a better human—man or woman.

Transcript

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

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[Dondre Whitfield]

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[Paul Pierce]

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[Dondre Whitfield]

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[Dondre Whitfield]

I submit to her all day. So when I say to you I need you to do X, Y and Z, I expect you to submit to my provision.

[Paul Pierce]

Why?

[Dondre Whitfield]

Because I submit to you all day. This is a dance. This is the. This is the viral moment. You know the clips that they play before the episode. Here we go, right here. The woman has all the power in the house.

[Paul Pierce]

All of them. Don't know how to use it.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Just don't know how to use it.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Another.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Here comes another clip. I love it. Gender is not the problem. The job is the problem.

[Paul Pierce]

This is the taking over the game. All right, everybody, welcome to Truth After Dark.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Do you think that men or women are more toxic?

[Paul Pierce]

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[Paul Pierce]

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[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

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[Paul Pierce]

Paul Pierce.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

And today we have a very special guest we're super excited about about actor, author, activist, somebody who's been entertaining us for years, but now he's really focused on purpose and impact. Acting is the passion, but activation is the mission. He just released a powerful book called Male vs. Man. He's working new book that's all about growth, accountability and becoming better. Please welcome Dondre Whitfield.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Man, this right here is like, that's.

[Paul Pierce]

What I was saying.

[Dondre Whitfield]

I mean, I'm like, I feel like I just kicked my shoes off. It should be a couch here so we could just.

[Paul Pierce]

Look, I'm telling you because this is fam. I'm telling you, we got a situation at the gym. I swear, I swear, if he wasn't there, it could have got ugly. And I ain't going to get all deep into it, but I'm telling you, it was like we had to be there that day. Like, it was like it felt like it was by design.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Yes.

[Paul Pierce]

Like, you know what I'm saying?

[Dondre Whitfield]

I do.

[Paul Pierce]

Like it was a situation. It could have really got out of hand. I was there a certain type of people that was there. If a couple of us wasn't there, it would have got ugly.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

He told me. He was like, he really knew what to say.

[Paul Pierce]

No, I told, no, I told her. I said, yeah, you really, you really, you really calmed that whole situation down.

[Dondre Whitfield]

You know what? So this is why, this is so I'm, I wish I wasn't wearing this, this sweater because so everybody can see the me covered in goosebumps. Because I always say you never know who's watching.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

You never know who's watching.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

And, and the people who are watching you do what it is that you do are gleaning something from watching you do what it is that you do.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

For sure.

[Dondre Whitfield]

The one thing that I told this brother, and it's, you know, this is a very well known individual for both his artistry and for his violence.

[Paul Pierce]

Right, right.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Both well known. But I know that he's choosing a different trajectory for his life. And based on. And Peter tell you.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Based on whoever had the strongest messaging in his ear that day.

[Paul Pierce]

Right.

[Dondre Whitfield]

That's where it was going.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

I respectfully there was a couple of cats that are connected to the street. And they said. They said to me, dre, I got it, I got it, I got it. So I moved aside and I waited. I heard the messaging. I was like, they don't know that they throwing gasoline on this fire.

[Paul Pierce]

Right, right, right.

[Dondre Whitfield]

And what I literally did was. And this is a big dude. This is not a brother. Like, honestly.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

I couldn't have stopped him physically.

[Paul Pierce]

Right.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

I had to stop him intellectually and spiritually.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

For sure.

[Dondre Whitfield]

I grabbed him by the traps.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah. I looked him in the eye, and.

[Dondre Whitfield]

I looked him in the eye and I said, fam, I know you, and I know your heart. I said, watch this. If you go in there and you get this dude and you drag him out here.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Which we all know you're going to do.

[Paul Pierce]

Right?

[Dondre Whitfield]

We all know you're going to do it.

[Paul Pierce]

Right.

[Dondre Whitfield]

You will gain no one's respect. Why? Because everybody knows that you're well capable of doing that.

[Paul Pierce]

Right?

[Dondre Whitfield]

So we already respect you for. For the kind of violence that you're capable of.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

You're going to gain nobody's respect, but if you don't, you're going to gain everybody's respect.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

And let me tell you something. I said, you got your. You got your sons in there. He got two grown sons. It was in the gym. I said, you are modeling what you want them to mirror. So now the question becomes, are you going to model the kind of behavior that destroyed part of your life.

[Sponsor/Advertisement Voice]

Or.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Are you going to model the kind of behavior that's changing the trajectory of your manhood?

[Paul Pierce]

Right.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Damn. And he looked away.

[Paul Pierce]

I was right there, too, right? Yeah, I was right there.

[Dondre Whitfield]

He looked away, and he looked back at me like his thought was, he's.

[Paul Pierce]

Like, man, he wanted me so bad. He wanted to, so.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Because he. What? Because his flesh wanted to.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

But his spirit.

[Dondre Whitfield]

But his spirit was like, yo. I said, my brother. He said. He looked at me and I said, I know. I said, I love you, too. He goes, I love you, too, fam. And we walked in there, and he. He got on the treadmill and cooled in the fam. And let me tell you something. Cat after cat came up to me.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

And they said, yo, man, I was really impressed by what he did, and it taught me something.

[Paul Pierce]

Tell me.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Wow.

[Paul Pierce]

It was. It was.

[Dondre Whitfield]

That was so imp. Like, my heart.

[Paul Pierce]

30 minutes too, though, right, Pete? Cause we had to come 30 minutes, too. It wasn't no quick speech.

[Dondre Whitfield]

We had to bring him down. But that. But that is about that really is about. Look, and I'm sure people will agree with this look, every man that you know. That's why I wrote my book Male vs Man. Right? The concept of the book was that males look to be served while men look to be of service. Okay? So what? Guys have to become proficient at first before anything else. We got to become proficient at being a man first. Because watch this. Manhood is at the center of. Of everything that you want to accomplish in your life. If you become proficient at being a man, let's say, okay, let's take being a basketball player, for instance. Coach tells you, this is what I need you to do. If you're not proficient at manhood, you might bark back at the coach, get yourself benched or cut because you're not proficient at being a man yet. So now you're going to respond like a boy, right? And give the kind of pushback that the coach goes, I can't trust him.

[Paul Pierce]

Right?

[Dondre Whitfield]

Because a team is about, what, serving everybody else. You could pad your stats, but at the end of the day, it's not going to be about whether you score 40 points. It's going to be about whether the team won. It's going to be about what you contributed for your team to win. Okay? So now let's extend that. I got a woman. Now. I got children. Now. Is it about me or is it about my team? So I gotta become proficient at being a man in order for me to understand how to get all of the teams that I'm a part of in my life to win. My basketball team, my family, even, we. We work out to get. We work in, work out in the same crew. Shout out to the yard, right? So we are a part of a team. What? How. How do I need to show up to get my team to win? The brother that we talked about and me talking about talking him down and not fighting, he's a part of my team. That's my brother, right? I gotta get him to win. If he loses, I lose. If he wins, we all win.

[Paul Pierce]

Right?

[Dondre Whitfield]

So I can't let him fail himself because this is about real talk. Pete, you notice every sister in that gym was looking to see what was going to happen, right?

[Paul Pierce]

Everybody stopped working out.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Everybody stopped working out. And then as soon as it didn't happen, you could see instantly every sister in there felt safer.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

And every brother in the gym was walked higher. Why? That was a representation of us.

[Paul Pierce]

That was. That really was.

[Dondre Whitfield]

That's a representation of us.

[Paul Pierce]

That was a big day right there for Real for that. How that came together and how you stepped in and took the lead on all of that, that was huge. That was huge. For just the gym culture there.

[Dondre Whitfield]

That was Team Black man right there.

[Paul Pierce]

That represented the whole culture of that day.

[Dondre Whitfield]

No question.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

I love that. That's really. That's amazing. I feel like you're the big brother that we all need you.

[Dondre Whitfield]

It's so funny that. It's so funny that you said. Now here's what's so funny that you say that. Right. So there are cats, including that brother.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Who is much bigger than I am, who calls me big bro.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Whether they. Whether they're. Whether they're older than me, bigger than me, make more money than I do, big bro has become the. The. The monarch. Why? Because, look, honestly, I care about. I hug people before people even really knew me. Why? Because that's my bro.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Before we got to know each other as men, I'm like, that's my brother. So when I see him and he know all the cats, we got some kids, we got. For real. We got for real gorillas in our workout group. Okay. And every single one of them will tell you, I don't do that. We do a whole lot of, you know, cats do a whole lot of the fist bump and, you know, to kind of. Because that's what we. That's what we learn. We safeguard ourselves like that. I don't play that.

[Paul Pierce]

Bring it in. Bring it in.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Bring it in, bro. Bring it in. And here's why. Now we getting serious. Now I'm gonna take off the glasses right? At the end of the day, if something happens to this man, I'm going to be tremendously affected by that. So every day that I see him, it's my opportunity to show him how much I love him by grabbing his hand, pulling him in, and giving him the kind of love. Watch this. Many of us never got this kind of love from our fathers. Yup.

[Paul Pierce]

Absolutely.

[Dondre Whitfield]

And it leaves a gigantic hole in our heart. As brothers, our job is to give each other the supplemental love that we didn't get from our father that we supposed to get from our brother. Because that's a mirror of our father. My father, may he rest in peace. I lost my father three times in my life. The first time was when my father kidnapped me when I was 6 years old. From my mother. The second time was when he went to prison for manslaughter when I was 13 years old. And the last time was when he left this earth. But the phenomenal thing about Our relationship was. It went from me being resentful of him, angry at him, and then proud of him. So every single day, I think about the times that I could have had with my father. Like, the times that I have with my son, who's now 16. And I just. Sometimes. I'm going to be honest with you, I cry for my younger self that didn't get that from my father. Like, there's times that I do stuff with my son now that I just go, wow, little me missed out on a whole lot, because I wish I would have been able to do that with my father. So whenever I see my brother, I'm like, nah, man. I got. I'm an extension of his father that didn't give him what he was supposed to get from him. Because, look, your manhood defines your humanity. Your purpose defines your happiness. So if we don't understand what our purpose is, if we don't understand why we're here on this earth, then we get disconnected from our happiness. Now let me dive into that. I'm working on this. My new book is about purpose.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

It literally is the key to sustained happiness. And here's why everybody tells us that all the stuff that we get from our careers, the money, the trophy, that's supposed to make you.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah. Damn, P. Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

How. Now watch this. Here's how it feels like. Happiness is such a great. When you. When you. When. When you won your championship, how did you feel?

[Paul Pierce]

You know what? It made me happy because of the work and the sacrifice and the time lost that I put in from doing other things that really, like losing family time. Losing, like, time. I'm telling you, when I came home one year, my mom got old, I was just like, damn, where did that time go? And I was like, I've been doing all this thinking. That's what it was, but I'm missing out over here.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Okay, so this is perfect. Freeze. So you win the championship. You got it. Lombardi trophy bow. You like the big shot of dopamine?

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah. Right? That's what it is. Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Impersonates happiness.

[Paul Pierce]

Yep. Yep.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Happiness is sustainable. But after a year.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

After two years, after you see your mom get older and you miss that time, you go, yo, why is this not making me happy? I still have the trophy. It didn't go nowhere. I still got the championship ring. It's big. It's big as hell. It didn't go nowhere. Why am I not happy? Yeah.

[Paul Pierce]

Because it's just on the surface.

[Dondre Whitfield]

It's just on the surface. So watch this. If you believe that you are a divine being created by a divine creator, which most of us do. And I'm not here to tell nobody whether that's God, Allah, Jehovah. That's a. That's another show for another time.

[Paul Pierce]

Right.

[Dondre Whitfield]

But if you believe that you were created by a divine being, make it make sense that the divine being that created you created you to hoard your love and resources. There's no way the divine being created you to be a divine human being, to move the needle for humanity in a profound way. That's your purpose in life. Yeah. The vast majority of people that you know that are unhappy are unhappy because they don't know why they're here.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

They think that it's because of the passion. They chose P. Chose basketball. That's his passion. Okay. How old were you when you retired, P. About 37. 37.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah. Still young, bro.

[Dondre Whitfield]

You understand what I'm saying? You get what I'm getting at?

[Paul Pierce]

Right? Right.

[Dondre Whitfield]

I got to go this whole life.

[Paul Pierce]

Right.

[Dondre Whitfield]

And the thing that was supposed to make me happy is over.

[Paul Pierce]

Right? Right. Right.

[Dondre Whitfield]

If the purpose was for you to be a basketball player and that's it. After you won your trophy, after you retired, you would have died.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah. Right.

[Dondre Whitfield]

You feel me?

[Paul Pierce]

Exactly.

[Dondre Whitfield]

You're still here because you are the man that God sent.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah. For sure.

[Dondre Whitfield]

That to move the needle for humanity in some profound way.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Now the question becomes, what way is that?

[Paul Pierce]

What is that? What? That's right.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

This is the more or less segment brought to you by Price Picks, where you can win real cash by playing more or less on your favorite players. Use code TAD and get $50 instantly in lineups when you play your first $5. So we have you today. We're super excited. I'm just going to give you some questions and you're just going to answer rapid fire, like it's. What's more disrespectful? Okay. So what do you think is more disrespectful? You can give an explanation if you'd like posting a thirst trap or liking a thirst trap of posting. Posting it.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Posting.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Okay.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Yeah, for sure. The flesh. As opposed to just like, like, like. Yeah, it's more.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

It's worse. I agree. I can 100% agree with that. Hiding your phone from someone and being sneaky or going through your partner's phone.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Going through your partner's phone.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Agreed.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Why would you say that?

[Dondre Whitfield]

Because I feel like it violates a confidence that you should have in place. And honestly, if you feel like you got to go through your. Your partner's phone. The chances are you probably don't need to be with them in the first place.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

That's a fact. I agree with that 100%. Texting your ex or deleting messages from someone new.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Oh, wow. That might be a tie. Can there be a tie? You gotta pick one.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

They're both horrible.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Well, yeah. Wow.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Those are both horrible.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Those are both. Yeah. I'm gonna just say same.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Okay, we'll go with that. Okay. You. I think you said deleting messages from someone new because you're like, who is someone new?

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah, exactly.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah. I don't like either one, so I'm gonna agree with you. They're both out of pocket.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Those are nasty work.

[Paul Pierce]

This is thing about the ex. You could have a ex that knew your mom. Your mom passing. You text her because she had a relationship with your ex, you just let her know.

[Dondre Whitfield]

It just. It just depends. But like, aside from that, I think so.

[Paul Pierce]

Like something like that is what I'm saying.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

I don't think so, because I'm good. My ex texted me because his grandmother and grandparents passed and he asked me to come to the funeral and everything. And it's like, something like that. I'm not doing that. You see what I'm saying? I'm in a relationship. That's not going to work. I'm not showing up to your grandma.

[Paul Pierce]

I'm just saying that's probably. That's the only reason he prayers up.

[Dondre Whitfield]

For grandma, but no.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yes, prayers up. But I'm crying. Like, that is not my issue now. Okay, how about this? Venting about your relationships to your friends or venting to the opposite sex?

[Dondre Whitfield]

Yeah, venting to the opposite sex. Yeah. Because that kind of creates like a tie and depending on. Listen, real talk. There are a lot of. There are a lot of women. You. Look, guys get the heat for being. For doing crazy work. Yeah, women be doing some crazy work.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Explain, please.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Yo, let me tell you something. At one point, like, when my. My wife and I were dating, I was like, yo, let me tell you something. I could tell you about a couple of your homies that would love to throw it in my direction. So don't. Don't think for a second, yo, women do some stuff. Where you go, women, women. I honestly, the stories that I have about women are way worse than the ones that I got about dudes. Women do some stuff that. I'll give you a perfect example. Okay, Please, guys, when. When we got beef with each other, we'll. We'll settle it Real quick, we'll get the fisticuff, it'll be over. Women do devious stuff. Try to, like, kill your whole social life for, like, five years, right? Sully your name, get the police involved, all kinds of stuff. Like, they do crazy.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

They drag you, and they'll try to really your name up, break your relationship up, really dog your stuff.

[Dondre Whitfield]

And if they can't get your man, then they will try to, like, dirty up your relationship.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

They do that.

[Dondre Whitfield]

You don't. Yo, I've seen it happen. Yo, they do some real nasty, sad.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

It happened to me. So I already know women will do that. Women will get very spiteful because it's big time. They'll just be like, I'm going to break this relationship up. Oh, yeah, I'm going to tell everything. But that's where men have to be careful, though, because what women don't realize is women are doing that. So if you give a woman an ounce of attention, she's going to take that, she's going to tell your girl, she's going to drag you, she's going to blast you, and it becomes crazy. And it's like, that's where men have to be more smart because men can just get lost in. Like, I had to.

[Dondre Whitfield]

There's a. A woman. Oh, my gosh. There's a woman who. Who knows my wife. And. And one day she really tried to, like. She really tried to throw, like, the pat. Like I'm talking about. Like, I had to. I had to be careful about the way I kept her off of me because I knew that it could have easily have been turned into me assaulting her.

[Paul Pierce]

For real.

[Dondre Whitfield]

But for real, she was at the. She was at my. My buttons on the. On the jeans. Real talk. Like, I'm talking about. She was down there. I had to seriously get her off me.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Damn. Well, good for you for getting her off.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Yo, that was. And let me tell you something. And I'm not talking about. I'm not talking about. No, let me tell you something. 9.75 men that I know would have been like, yo, I would have hit. That's how she looked. That's how accomplished she is. They'd have been like, I. I don't even know how you did that.

[Paul Pierce]

Damn, they would have hit.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

So what was it? Your wife was in your mind or.

[Dondre Whitfield]

You just know it was me was on my mind? Yeah, so. Because watch this. Here's the secret that no one tells you. There's certain kinds of. And. And I have. I have cheated in certain relationships in the past. Because. Because that's what you get taught. You get taught again. Your. The value of yourself as a guy is tied to how many women you sleep with. I was sexual at far too young an age, and it destroyed me. That's what a lot of men will never tell you. I was. I was sexually active. Early teens. Early teens. It destroyed me because it destroyed the way I went about relationships. It destroyed the way I saw women, and I had to do a lot of work in that area in order for me to get myself in order.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

It happens to a lot of us in that way. And it robs us of our own discipline. Because if you can't be sexually disciplined, then there's other areas of your life that you will always lack discipline in.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Based on that.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

For men, for sure. I believe a man who is sexually disciplined is so powerful. Boy is probably the most.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Let me tell you something. When I said no to her, when I tell you she was so pissed, particularly after everything that she did and who she. You know what I'm saying? Who she was and how she looks.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yo, men don't like. Listen, I've never heard a man say, I never did that to a man. But I'm saying in my lifetime, no man has ever told me no.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

So to see, I haven't even. I haven't even heard a man say, I'm in a relationship. No, thank you.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Wow.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Like, men don't hear that. So when I hear men say that, I'd be like, now that I'm older. I hear a man be like, oh, no, I love my girl. Like, just talking when she's not around. I'm like, wow, that's dope. See, women hear that.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Men. We, as men.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

We've. We've been told no our whole lives.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

So we're used to no.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Women are never told no because we're. So when they get a no, that's like the shots fired.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

You know how rare it is for a man to do that? For a man to be in a relationship and literally be like, yes, I do. I'm in a relationship. I'm good.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Yes, I do.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Like, that's why women don't trust men, because we don't hear that ever. Like, you're never in a relationship. But anyways, we appreciate that. Yeah, no, that was good. That was good. And thank you for that. And thank you to our good friends at Price Picks, America's number one sports pick app. Use code TAD to get $5.50 instantly in lineups. When you play your first $5.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Right, right. So what I'm working on in the book, and this is how I got to writing Male versus Man. The thing that propelled me into writing Male versus Man was I lost my best friend in a motorcycle accident. I used to be a. I used to be. I used to be hell on wheels. I was literally trying to validate my existence by wheeling down. You know that. You know when you go up La Cienega, you know that hill that. That ends into sunset? You know. You know how. You know how, Pete? I used to wheelie up that hill? Yeah, I used to wheelie up that hill.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

You got. Something got to be wrong with you.

[Paul Pierce]

You can go. You can flip back doing that.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Something got to be wrong with you. I was chasing the validation of those around me that I never got in all the places that I should have.

[Paul Pierce]

Ooh.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

That'S a bomb.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand that.

[Dondre Whitfield]

I never had my father say, son, I'm proud of you.

[Paul Pierce]

Damn, that's a lot of black kids, though, man.

[Dondre Whitfield]

You understand? You know, and so subsequently, guess what? We. Look what we do. Look. We, we, we, we. We're in la. You got me. And guess what? So. So. So watch this. What that young brother says is, hold up. I never had nobody say that they love me enough or show or demonstrate to me that they love me enough to. To even open a door for me. But you willing to demonstrate to me that you love me enough to take somebody else's life for me? I got you.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

I got you. That's how we create monsters.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Because we don't care for. And that's why. Look. Look how full circle. That's why every single day I see my brother, I gotta pull him in because I gotta get him to know he bigger than basketball. I got to get him to know he bigger than the streets.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

I got to get him to know he bigger than anything that he could do with a gang of women. He bigger than all of that.

[Paul Pierce]

Right.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Because at the end of the day, we are the men that God sent to move the needle for humanity in a profound way. So me writing this book is trying to give our folks, and, of course, our sisters, same thing. I'll give you a perfect example right now. If you look at social media, you see what's. What's going on. There's a whole lot of bashing of men right now, man. It's not fashionable. It's not very fashionable to be a man right now.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah, for sure.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

If you don't think men are under attack. You're not paying attention or you in denial.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Well, can I ask you this? Do you believe that women are being bashed as well?

[Dondre Whitfield]

Oh. Now, throughout history, unfortunately, our sisters have. Have been bashed.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Right?

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

But while we are taking care of our sisters, we can't forget about our brothers in the process.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

I agree.

[Dondre Whitfield]

We can't kick our men in the chest in order to uplift our sisters.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

I agree.

[Dondre Whitfield]

That can't happen because this is community. I shouldn't feel bad in order for you to feel good.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

I agree with that.

[Dondre Whitfield]

You feel me?

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

I agree with you.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Now watch this. Let's. Let's. Let's check in real time and see how this works. Our sisters will say, constantly we hear how men are underperforming, while at the same time, we hear how unnecessary men are.

[Paul Pierce]

That's crazy. That's crazy, too.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Hold up, hold up. Rewind. Y' all missed it. How can we be hearing constantly how men are underperforming and at the same time hear how unnecessary men are?

[Paul Pierce]

That don't make sense.

[Dondre Whitfield]

That. That don't even make any sense. If. If we are unnecessary, why would it be possible to examine our performance?

[Paul Pierce]

Exactly.

[Dondre Whitfield]

P. As a basketball player, you're only going to determine whether a dude is proficient at a specific thing or not. Why? Because you need him. And if the coach is talking about how he underperforms and you tell him after the game, yo, bro. Hey. Hey, bro. Need you to step it up.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Why would you do that? You're not gonna do that to the dude that's at the end of the bench, are you?

[Paul Pierce]

No.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Why? Cause he ain't. He ain't getting in the game.

[Paul Pierce]

Right.

[Dondre Whitfield]

He's not making an impact on the game. You are only talk. I guarantee you it was only you. K.J. ray KG. KG. Ray Ray John. Right? Y' all are having the kinds of discussions with each other, like, bro, where were you tonight?

[Paul Pierce]

For sure.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Where were you tonight?

[Paul Pierce]

For sure.

[Dondre Whitfield]

We needed you tonight, bro.

[Paul Pierce]

For sure.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Why? Because your performance matters. Yeah. So whenever anybody is talking about you underperforming, it automatically means that you are necessary.

[Paul Pierce]

That means you know that's right. Exactly.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Nobody's talking about you if you're unnecessary.

[Paul Pierce]

Right.

[Dondre Whitfield]

So now watch this. We hear our sister say, I raised my son all by myself. His father didn't do nothing. Okay. Is this the same dude who is now toxic that every woman thinks is dangerous? The boy that you raised on your own, you raised him. You said it. It. I didn't say that.

[Paul Pierce]

Right.

[Dondre Whitfield]

You said it you said you raised him all by yourself. Ma', am, women are saying that your son is toxic and dangerous.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Well, a lot of women don't have the option, though. Some women get in the situation.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Okay, now hold on.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Man leaves.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Now watch this. Absolutely.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Sisters always have an option. There's always a Paul Pierce, a Dondre Whitfield, somewhere in your circumference where you say, listen to me. I can teach my son how to.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Be a lot of things, but not a man.

[Dondre Whitfield]

But a man is not one of them.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

I agree with that.

[Dondre Whitfield]

So here's what I'm going to do as your sister. I'm going to drop my son off to you at 2:00'. Clock. I need you to do your man business between two and three, two and four, whatever you going to do. Because you gotta be the drill instructor for his manhood. Cause I can't do that.

[Paul Pierce]

But see, that's the disconnect right there.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Big time.

[Paul Pierce]

That's the disconnect big time. Especially if y' all not together.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Yep.

[Paul Pierce]

You know what I'm saying? How do you convince the woman? Because I've been put in that situation. It's like, this is my time with him, Dude. You gotta have an understanding. I'm looking. I'm looking at, like, my son right now. Like, he need me more than ever.

[Dondre Whitfield]

No. How old is he?

[Paul Pierce]

He 12. You know what I'm saying, bro? So, like, I really want him to kind of like stay with me. Like now. Really?

[Dondre Whitfield]

Right now. He needs you. He needs you now more than ever.

[Paul Pierce]

Like, he lived like 10 minutes from me.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Right.

[Paul Pierce]

You know what I'm saying?

[Dondre Whitfield]

Yep.

[Paul Pierce]

It's just never enough time on my time. It's like, you gotta be in the house with the kids. Definite, you know? And so, like, what do I do? Like, what kind of conversation is that? You know what I'm saying?

[Dondre Whitfield]

A man's voice hits different.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah, man.

[Paul Pierce]

I might need to get a new bed frame. After I take roast sparks, after it dissolves under my tongue, I can get right in 15 minutes on average. Nice. And they last up to 36 hours. So anytime she gives me that look this weekend, I'm ready to go. This is why I always keep Rose Sparks on hand for when she starts giving me the signals.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

And what's really crazy is that Rose Sparks can actually make men fuller and bigger. And that's one of the reasons guys on Rose Sparks report their partners were more satisfied in bed. So, you guys, if you want to get hard fast and be sex ready for up to 36 hours. You gotta check out Rose Sparks. RO connects guys with a medical provider 100% percent online and if approved, treatment ships directly to their door. If prescribed. New sexual health patients get 15 off their first order of Sparks on a reoccurring plan. Connect with a provider at RO Co Tad to find out if prescription row Sparks are right for you. That's ro co tad for $15 off your first order. Sparks is a compounded drug product. Compounded drugs are permitted to be prescribed under federal law but are not FDA approved and do not undergo FDA safety, effectiveness or manufacturing review. For full safety information, go to roe co safetyinfo.com Watch this.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Me and my wife have been together for 28 years. Shout out to my baby.

[Paul Pierce]

Hey, man, that's. That's. That's incredible.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Sally Richardson.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Hello, Sally Richardson. Whitfield.

[Paul Pierce]

28.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

28 years together and 23 years married.

[Dondre Whitfield]

23 years married. Now, the reason why I say Whitfield on that. And some people were like, well, why does that matter? Here's why it matters. I am my wife's cover.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

And can I say this?

[Dondre Whitfield]

Yes.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

I remember meeting you when we were at Tashina's house and we had that thing. I won't get into it. Right. And so if somebody was always at.

[Dondre Whitfield]

A place where it's so crazy, was it very exclusive?

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

And we can't talk about what was going on or who was there? What was. No, no, no, we can't. I'm sure. But yeah, it was someone there speaking to us.

[Paul Pierce]

I wasn't at the Diddy party. Was. Was ris.

[Dondre Whitfield]

There was no oil at this party. We're good making sure.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

And you were there with your wife. Right. And I will never forget this because it was a man there speaking to us, and it was a crowd of people who were listening. She. She set this up, and it was private, and it was just all the exclusive people that she loved. And we came over there and literally, I remember you said something like, seriously, this stuck with me. That's why you said you never know who watched. Right? You were there with your wife and you were like, so listen. You asked him. You were like, listen, I made a mistake with my family. My wife. I told my wife to follow my lead and do something. And I was wrong. So now what do I need to do to make it right? Because my wife followed my lead, my family and I. Listen, this is years ago, right?

[Dondre Whitfield]

Yes.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

I remember this till this day that you said that exact thing, because I remember thinking. Thinking like, wow, I need a man. That is like that, you know, like, I, I have to have a man that could be like, listen, I'm the leader. I'm doing this and I made a mistake. This is, this is. Now what do I do? But like, to trust your man, to be a leader is, is really important. Like, to have that respect, to be like, I trust your leadership. Because as women, we question things and we, you know, we're going to automatically be that way.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Yes.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

But like, like it. When you build that trust, you slowly see, like, wow, you're leading me in the right direction. Even if you make a mistake.

[Dondre Whitfield]

That's right.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Intention. That's right there. To do the right thing. So I can trust that.

[Dondre Whitfield]

That's right.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

You know, that's right.

[Paul Pierce]

And that's always us as men. Women can't do that.

[Dondre Whitfield]

It's. So here's. Now watch this.

[Paul Pierce]

Women have a hard time doing that. They made the mistake.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Oh, taking accountability is what you're saying. Yeah, because, because I agree with that.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Watch this. As a man, I hear about my mistakes all day long, all the time.

[Paul Pierce]

So we used to.

[Dondre Whitfield]

As a, As a man, I hear about my mistakes all day, every day. Women are, and I say this as a joke, but it's so serious.

[Paul Pierce]

It's serious.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Wives are not built to be husbands.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

I agree with that.

[Dondre Whitfield]

And here's why. If I treated my wife how she treats you.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Sensitive. We're too sensitive.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Yo, let me tell you something. When I say right, When I say complete lock up, lock down.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah, right, sure.

[Dondre Whitfield]

So now watch this. Let me, let me. So I, I, I, I, I coach couples.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah, right.

[Dondre Whitfield]

And one of the things that I get from the couples that I work with, particularly when I, when I'm just beginning to work with a couple, someone invariably one of them will say, I can't be with them no more because we just not, we just not the same. I got that. We. They don't see it the way I see it. I can't. And the first thing I say is amen. And they're like, huh? I'm like, but yeah, you're, you're, you were not meant to see everything that I see.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

That's it right there, though.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Look.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

That's it right there.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Look. It's, I'm gonna break it down for you very simply. If somebody, if I'm facing north, a great couple is not, you know, they go, well, behind a good man is a good woman. Behind a good woman is a good man. Behind. My wife is not behind me. She's just to my back. And we are Back to back, Right. Why? I'm looking north, she's looking south. We both can see east and west. That's the part where we have to be. You understand? So now we got the same vision here, because we both can see this way.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Watch this. I can see what's in her blind spot.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yes, absolutely. Yep.

[Dondre Whitfield]

And what she can see, she can see what's in my blind spot.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

So let's deal with the word compatibility. What does compatible. Some people think that. Okay, before I go to the relationship part, let's take a device. When you buy one device and it's meant to pair with another device, it says it's compatible with that device. The compatibility means that they are equally important but not equal in function.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

So you're like you said, we're equal.

[Dondre Whitfield]

We're equally important, but not equal. We are not the same because we got different. You understand, right? Because we serve different functions.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Oh. We're not equal in traits, but we're equally important.

[Dondre Whitfield]

You got me.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

That's. I agree with that.

[Dondre Whitfield]

You got you. You got me.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yes.

[Dondre Whitfield]

So. So my wife, because she has certain strengths that I lack.

[Paul Pierce]

Right.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Vice versa.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yes.

[Dondre Whitfield]

There's certain strengths that I have that she lacks in. There's certain stuff. She'll call me. She'd be like, babe, I, I, I, I. Yeah. I don't know.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Stressed out. Yeah. Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

And I'm over here. I'm like, oh, that's.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Just. Tell me why. Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Because I'm a superhero in that area.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Just like she's a superhero in another area, which makes. Makes us compatible. Compatible now means that together we complete the package. Too many relationships right now, instead of completing, are competing. And they wonder why we having so many problems sustaining marriages.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Why women and men are like, yeah, no, I'm. I'm good.

[Paul Pierce]

I'm cool.

[Dondre Whitfield]

I'm good.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

You feel me?

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Because us versus each other, not us versus the problem. It's like, you are fighting this problem together.

[Dondre Whitfield]

That's right.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

I'm not fighting. You know, you're not fighting me.

[Dondre Whitfield]

No.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

We got to be looking at this problem side by side. Like, we about to fight this problem.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Watch this. We so distracted by how we're fighting the problem that now we think that we're fighting each other.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Exactly.

[Dondre Whitfield]

So we never even get to tackling the problem. Meanwhile, the problem is, like, look at these two morons right here. Yeah. Problem. Chilling. Problem. Cross leg.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Exactly.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Problem. Like.

[Paul Pierce]

That'S like in locker room fighting, right?

[Dondre Whitfield]

You like, hey, bro.

[Paul Pierce]

The competition is down the hall. You know how Many times I've done that. We'd be in the locker room and everybody arguing. I said, dude, if you showed this. Show your passion toward that. Them down there, period, we'll be winning.

[Dondre Whitfield]

We'd be winning.

[Paul Pierce]

We'll be winning. Meanwhile, I've said that so many times.

[Dondre Whitfield]

And what stat line is this? Yeah, what stat line is this that we doing here in this locker room?

[Paul Pierce]

Damn.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Who. Who gets to go to the hall of Fame for. For breaking each other down in the locker room?

[Paul Pierce]

No, Nobody. Nobody.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Who wins a championship in the. Oh, oh, you won. You won the championship. The. The. The. The. The. The locker room championship arguing because you won the. The argument in the locker room.

[Paul Pierce]

I didn't see that so many times.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Like, that's real. I have a question for you.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Yes.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

When do you know, like, the problem is too big? Like, is there ever that situation where you're like, hey, it's time to walk away, the problem is too big, or is it just about saying, like, we're choosing each other, we're gonna battle the problem and we're gonna get through it and being on that same wavelength?

[Paul Pierce]

Right.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Nope.

[Dondre Whitfield]

No problem is too big.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Okay. Yeah, that's what I wanted.

[Dondre Whitfield]

You're. Your wound may be too big for the moment. Okay, so let me break that down.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah, please.

[Dondre Whitfield]

As a child, my mother is a. Is a phenomenal woman, and she did the kind of job. Like, my mother was a superhero.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Because she had me at a very young age.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

And.

[Dondre Whitfield]

My grandmother, may she rest in peace, who was my. My. My. My angel. But she. She. She put it on my mother. When my mother got pregnant, I shouldn't have made it. I shouldn't have made it. My mother is a walking superhero. When you have a young mother in a turbulent environment, It produces much anxiety because she's trying to do everything that she can do to protect her child in this dangerous and turbulent environment. And sometimes when a child is raising a child, you will make decisions that are childlike. And sometimes in the midst of that, of being in that turbulent environment, you can sometimes do some things that can be damaging. And so my mother would use certain language, and we would kind of get into it, especially when a. When a. When a boy is, like, 12 and 13, after a while, like, his mother's voice is like the voice of the teacher on Charlie Brown. He don't even. Because he's like, yo, you are not the model that I'm trying to mirror. And right now, you just irritating for real. And so what begins to happen is now it becomes A war in the house, man.

[Paul Pierce]

I was dealing with that with my mama.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Every boy goes through this with his mom, particularly when there is no man in the house to take over the next portion of the life lesson to help that boy matriculate into manhood. Now she got to get out of the way. Like, literally. There are times my son is 16 years old and I'm talking to him and my wife tries to interject, and I respectfully, I go, babe, not now, now. Not while I'm raising my son.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

And here's why. Because at the end of the day, if I don't teach my son what he's supposed to know when he goes out here and he underperforms, you know what everybody's going to say, where was his father? Why didn't his father teach him this? That the third. That is never going to happen on my watch. So knowing that that is exactly what's going to happen, I refuse to let anybody interrupt right now, getting back to your point, because me and my mom had wars. There are certain times that certain volumes and certain hurtful words when they come out of the mouth of a woman opens up that wound. So if my wife mirrors that language, that tone, that timing, the little boy inside of me who now is a man who now got base, who now has, like, advocacy, self advocacy. Hold up. For real, who you talking to? When it gets too hot in there? Go. Oh, wow. My wound is now taking over. Now the man, the husband that I am, is not even having this conversation. Now the wounded little warrior now takes over the conversation. And now I gotta go. Okay, DeAndre, it's so funny. In my book, I talk about the fact that there's two versions of myself. There's Brooklyn Dre because that's where I grew up. Brooklyn Dre and Disciple Dondre. So for the most part, when you see me, that's who you talk to, Disciple Dondre. But every once in a while, when the switch gets flipped, Brooklyn Dre shows up in order to protect Discipled Andre. So whenever Brooklyn Dre comes into my house, I'm like, oh, this gonna end badly. I need to step off or I need to be quiet.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

This segment is brought to you by Rose Sparks. So today I'm gonna ask you some rapid fire questions. You can't think about it too long. Just pick one. And if you want, you can explain after. Okay, so being right or keeping the peace?

[Paul Pierce]

Being right.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

You rather be right than keep the peace?

[Paul Pierce]

I gotta be right.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Why?

[Paul Pierce]

Well, right is right. Truth is truth. Okay, what you mean If. Right. And you just said this to me. You know, you gotta let it spill it all out there. You just say something like this. Just. You need to just go ahead and say it. It's right. It's right. And it might not be peaceful at first, but at least you let it all out and it is what it is.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah, that's true. I agree with you. Winning the argument or winning the relationship?

[Paul Pierce]

Winning the arguments.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

So you rather win the argument than just have a piece in your relationship?

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah, I never win the arguments. That's why. So I need to get a win.

[Dondre Whitfield]

You need to get a win.

[Paul Pierce]

Sometimes you just need to get a win.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

I think you'd be winning arguments.

[Paul Pierce]

I don't. I can't win no arguments.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

I can't tell.

[Paul Pierce]

I can't win no arguments.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Okay. Saying what you feel or saying what won't start a fight. We already know you about to say what you feel based on all these other questions.

[Paul Pierce]

Saying what you feel.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah. Or saying what won't start a fight.

[Paul Pierce]

That's fine line between the two. Because you be just like, damn. You already know if you say this it's gonna start a fight, but you wanna say what you feel. It's always like a double S sword. Sometime it just depend on the mood at the time. But for the most part you want to say what you feel.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Okay. Apologizing even when you feel justified or standing on your pride.

[Paul Pierce]

Standing on business. We good?

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Okay. Walking away to cool off or talking it out immediately.

[Paul Pierce]

That's a good one. I've done both. I've walked away to cool off. I think I need to talk. I need to walk away to cool off for the most part. Because I. When I'm high, I'm gonna say something I don't mean and it's gonna hurt some feelings.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah, I get that. I like to talk it out immediately. That's my problem. Protecting your ego or protecting your partner's feelings?

[Paul Pierce]

I think you gotta protect your partner feelings.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Okay.

[Paul Pierce]

You know, your ego and pride can just be dropped a lot, you know? Cause you gotta drop that in your pride for some time for shit to work. You know? I understand that. You know, I play sports. So you gotta drop your ego sometime at the door and like, look, this is for the betterment of the team.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah. Facts. Letting small things slide or addressing everything.

[Paul Pierce]

Small things need to slide. I think in all relationships you need to pick your battles.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Paul Pierce]

Everything can't be a battle every day. You know, it's just. It's just you gonna have little shit to pick on every day if you want to.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Paul Pierce]

Facts. I think it's important to pick your battles. Cause when you start needling somebody and needling. Think about it like if you press a balloon, softly, softly, soft, eventually that shit gonna pop. Even if you press it with the same pressure, you just keep needling it.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Paul Pierce]

You just. You just gotta pick your battles. I think.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Okay. Changing your behavior or expecting your partner to keep. To accept you as is.

[Paul Pierce]

I think it's a. I think. I think you gotta evolve.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Paul Pierce]

You know what I mean? Like, people always say that this is who I am. This is who I am. I think as you grow, you gotta evolve facts. You can't be the same person you was five years ago, still doing the same old shit. And. And I think you got to grow with your person and see how they growing and grow with them.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Okay. Love that. Being understood or being loved?

[Paul Pierce]

Being understood. You know what? Probably being loved because most people don't understand me now. So.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Okay.

[Paul Pierce]

It don't even matter.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Okay. Loyalty when it's hard or just happiness in the moment. Like, would you rather someone be loyal to you even when it's hard or just like, who cares? I'm happy.

[Paul Pierce]

I like loyalty.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Paul Pierce]

Ain't nothing like some loyalty. Because that's gonna separate the real from the fake facts at the end of the day. Over time.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

I agree. Forgiveness or never forgetting.

[Paul Pierce]

Forgiveness is a key.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Paul Pierce]

I don't think you'll ever forget things. You know, I've learned to forgive some things and I don't forget them, but they're still there. There's some things that just happen to you, you just never gonna forget. But you can forgive a person. But that don't mean I'm a. You know, I'm gonna be fucking with you.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah. You can forgive someone. It doesn't mean you have to be rock with them no more. Forgiveness is really for you. Okay. I love that you have some good answers. I agree with you on a lot of that. Thank you. To Rose Sparks. If prescribed, new sexual health patients get 15 off their first order of Sparks on a recurring plan. Connect with provider at Ro Co Tad to find out if prescription Rose Sparks are right for you.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Watch this. I tell this to sisters all the time. Imagine you were locked in a cage with a lion. How would you talk to that lion? Would you say, I wish you would, lion, huh? Bite me. I wish you would. Please do it. Please do it. Would. Would. Would you talk to that lion like that? In that. Locked up in that cage?

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

No.

[Dondre Whitfield]

No. You know why? Because you're gonna get bit and you're probably gonna die.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Your man is a lion, and you are in a locked cage with a lion.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

You have the power with your language to either set him on fire or turn him all the way down. Yeah. Every woman. And you know why P ain't said nothing yet? You know why Pete didn't say nothing? Because right on time, yes or no, 100%, the woman. I'm gonna just go on the right. This is the viral moment. You know the clips that they play before the episode. Here we go, right here. The woman has all the power in the house.

[Paul Pierce]

All of them. Don't know how to use it.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Just don't know how to use it all day long. And I have said this in a. In another viral clip talking about the word submission.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

I submit to my wife all day, every day. She dictates what we eat, when we eat, what side of the bed we sleep on, where we sit, what time we go to sleep. The. The physical intimacy when we have. Have sex, if we don't have sex, how the temperature in the house. All of that. My wife dictates all of that.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

I submit to her all day. So when I say to you I need you to do X, Y, and Z, I expect you to submit to my provision.

[Paul Pierce]

Why?

[Dondre Whitfield]

Because I submit to you all day. This is a dance.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

This is a dance.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Your turn. Here go your song. Okay, now we now reach out to your song. Because this your song.

[Paul Pierce]

All right.

[Dondre Whitfield]

I'm getting ready to play my song.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Get you better. You better get up. You bet. It's time to dance. Because we don't get tired now. Don't tell me your feet hurt now.

[Paul Pierce]

Right?

[Dondre Whitfield]

Cause we danced to your song three times.

[Paul Pierce]

Right.

[Dondre Whitfield]

They played your song back to back to back. You know, I don't even like that song. But I dance with you because you are my woman. I love you. That's what. That's my job.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

100%.

[Dondre Whitfield]

You feel me? This is the stuff that we are. This is the stuff that we are missing. And a lot of it gets missed. Again, back to your point. Because the wounds get too big for the moment. They get too big to deal with the problem. It's never about the problem. It usually is about the person.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Well, because you see things through the lens of your trauma.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Yes.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

So you can say something to me that people might think that was not a big deal.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Big deal.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

But my trauma was triggered gigantic deal. I had this happen.

[Dondre Whitfield]

That's right.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

And when this happened, X, Y and Z followed.

[Dondre Whitfield]

That's right.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

So right now I'm viewing this from my triggers and again, that's the saying where we're bleeding on people who didn't cut us. I'm coming from a place of pure intention because I love you and the things I'm saying are real and honest and it's to get us to the next place. But I'm hearing it from whether it's your mom, your dad, your sister, whoever it was, and it didn't land me in a good space. So now I'm a triggered.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Yes.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

And I'm going to attack. And that's, I think, happens to a lot of people when we don't understand our traumas. So for me, I reflect and I'm like, is this because I have another trauma that happened?

[Dondre Whitfield]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Or is this because I genuinely feel like this is disrespectful? Or I don't like this. Or I don't like.

[Dondre Whitfield]

So you used a, A book. A. A very interesting word. Use the word attack.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Now in the street, we got cold. Me and Pete, we are only going to speak to each other in a very specific way. Why? Because the threat of violence is real.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Paul Pierce]

So that's.

[Dondre Whitfield]

You understand what I'm saying? I can't, I can't come talk to him any old kind of way. Why? Hands could get thrown at any moment. Hold on, hold on, bro.

[Paul Pierce]

I was talking about earlier about your like your brother talking crazy. Oh, like the same thing you like, said. Mike said something. That's what I said. You gotta be careful.

[Dondre Whitfield]

You got hold up. Cause we know, me and people we like, Bro, who you talking to, bro? Like, you gotta hit me with some respect.

[Paul Pierce]

Right?

[Dondre Whitfield]

So that we can, so we can keep it respectful.

[Paul Pierce]

Right.

[Dondre Whitfield]

That means full of respect. Right. So now watch this again. This is why I say wives are not built to be husbands. Because all of our sisters know that they're eventually going to get a pass because they can attack. And the man is expected not to attack back.

[Paul Pierce]

Right.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Well, you know what's crazy about this? And I think actually I said something. It was viral clip and you were posted a long time ago. Right. And I, and I said this because I mean it. And I have. I. I grew up in a household with a mom and dad still married, sister and brother. You know, a lot of my family is married, as you know. And so I was always taught, like, even though it's not right, and I don't think a man will put his hands on you, you have to move as If a man can. Because there's a visceral reaction that a man can have. Right. So if something is thrown at a man, he might react. That's a visceral instinct. Okay? So me saying certain things to a man, like, I've never caught a man out of his name. I never caught a man. The B word to his face. I might have said it to my homegirl, like, he's. But never to. Never to his face. Because I've always been taught that a man can react and his visceral. Visceral instinct is to be reactive.

[Dondre Whitfield]

That's right.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

To protect himself.

[Dondre Whitfield]

That's exactly right.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

You will get hurt doing that.

[Dondre Whitfield]

That's exactly right.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

So you have to be careful how you speak to a man, how you approach a man, and how you talk to a man.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Big time.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

So I've been taught that from a very young.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Okay, so watch this. This is. This is fantastic. Because your father was smart. So I taught my daughter. I was like, listen, you know how when you got into tussles with boys when you were like in the second grade and, like, you beat them up? She's like, yeah. I'm like, now that you. This is when she was in high school. I'm like, now that you're in high school. Yeah. Don't do that. Right, right. Because you're gonna wind up as a viral clip being body slammed.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

No, 100%.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Okay? And here's this. Not because. And it's easy. I can. I can hear all the sisters right now. That's because these boys, the punk. So and so. So two things. Any human being can do something like, that's what I did, but that's not who I am. There's a difference.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

I know exactly what you're saying.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Okay. So watch this. Let me, let me, let me. Let me drill that down a little. A little further. Have you ever gone to the doctor and the doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits your knee? What happens?

[Paul Pierce]

It jumps.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

You're the visceral reaction. You got me. Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

That's a reflex.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

It's a reflex.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Now, you talked about traumas.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Do you know what that man's traumas are?

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

No.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Do you. Do you know what's going to activate his traumas?

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Right.

[Dondre Whitfield]

And because he does something. That's what I did. That's not who I am. We live in a time now where every guy, no matter what he does, that's who he is, no matter what. Is that true for our sisters? Absolutely not. She could go ape crazy.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Bat crazy.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

That's not who she is. She was just driven to that point.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Right. So we don't have the same kind of grace true. For our brothers as we do for our sisters. Listen, let me just say this real quick. Ok? Ok. So it's not that the man has the problem. He's trying to figure out what his job is in this equation. The woman is trying to figure out what her job is in the equation. This is not a man problem. This is not a woman problem. This is a human condition. And we're trying to figure out how we navigate our way to the other side of this problem. Women got problems. Men have problems. Now what we're trying to do is we're trying to figure out how do we have the kind of language that gets us to be able to become back to the team concept again. How do we become a team? That has to be a daily practice. My daily practice. My hugs, my daily practices, my check ins. Every brother that you know, watch this. Peter probably tell you this too. My boy, my producer Tillman is back there. He'll tell you every sister in our gym. Not, not every single one. But the vast majority of the sisters that are in that gym, I check in with them. Hey, sis, how you? You good? Okay. You need me big bros here. Why? Because I want my sister to feel safe. Watch this. I'll give you one better. When I go to the grocery store and we're in an environment where it's mostly our Caucasian cousins that are in the store, whenever I see a sister, any sister of color speaking, I walk right up to her sister. How you feel?

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Oh, I'm good. Good. You need anything while you in here?

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

You come find me. I got you.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

When I tell you the emotional and spiritual breakdown that happens in her that I. And I could tell she's going through it, but I leave her there with it. When I tell you she is doing emotional and spiritual gymnastics. Yeah. Because she might not have ever gotten that from her father. She might not ever had a DNA brother to give her that kind of COVID And many of our sisters grow up in turbulent environments where they don't feel that kind of coverage.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

But also too, even then, a lot of women, including myself, have been constantly sexualized by men.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Yes.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

And we never really got the opportunity. Like I'm lucky enough to have like a brother or whatever. But you know, he's my brother in law. My sister's been married for like 30 years. I'm 34.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

So he's a brother to me. But like, we don't get the opportunity to have a lot of men that don't sexualize us, or we have to feel like we're on our edge a little bit to just be able to talk to, you know, And I think it's important to have that, because having male advice, especially if you're in a relationship and things like a different perspective. Women and men, their minds are so vastly different. We operate differently. There's one little thing that can make me go off the edge, like, he doesn't love me, or this is that. And you could simply just be like, no. Like, men think this way, and this is what it is. And women, we lack that so much because the people who I have maybe thought were my friends then tried to do something weird, and I'm like, oh, no. So having someone who's completely platonic, that really wants to see good for you in a man is rare for a lot of women.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Completely understood, which is why I do. And usually I lead with like my y. I'm like, sister, I'm. I'm. First of all, I say, I. I am married. I'm here as your brother. You. You.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Right, right.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Leading with that. You need me, you come see me. Because so many of us. Watch this. I'm gonna give you a little secret. Most of us who grew up in the hood, like me, like P, we get taught that manhood is how much money can you make?

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Right?

[Dondre Whitfield]

How many women can you sleep with? And how strong are you?

[Paul Pierce]

How tough are you?

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah, 100%.

[Dondre Whitfield]

None of those things have anything to do with manhood at all. They have a lot to do with masculinity.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Right?

[Dondre Whitfield]

But they don't have anything to do with manhood. I can prove it to you. There's a whole bunch of great men who don't make a lot of money. There's a whole bunch of great men who haven't been with a lot of women. There's a whole bunch of great men that couldn't bench press £100 if you helped them with 50 of them. Manhood has absolutely nothing to do with any of those areas. Nothing. But those are the first concepts that we get introduced to when we in the hood. So now you, now you. All of a sudden, you got a brother who is 20 something years old. He got a $50 million contract, and you keep trying to figure out why he keep making life mistakes. Watch this. The first thing that I say, and this is why I say we need to start giving our brothers the kind of grace that we give our sisters. Is this young brother had from the time that he was playing AAU basketball, what did he have hit a coach to teach him how to play the game of basketball? What coach did he have to teach him how to play the game of manhood? And then you wonder why he keeps making mistake after mistake after mistake after mistake.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

That's why mentorship is so important big time. It's like, in so important when you have people around you that can guide you and help you. And we lack that today in this community and in just especially the black community, it's like we don't have that mentorship anymore.

[Dondre Whitfield]

And that's why. And I want. I'm just gonna say, here we go. Another moment. So, my brothers, I want you to claim. I want you to claim the young brothers that you see in your circumference. Go have a conversation with his mom. Say, listen, I have. As a man, there's a couple of lessons that I think your son would benefit from having time with me. I think your son will benefit from me. And I'm having this conversation with you because I'm trying to have this. Be as respectful as possible as your brother. What I'm trying to do is to give my bonus nephew the kind of wisdom that he needs in order for him to matriculate in a man. We got to start claiming our. Our. Our young. And I call every. Every kid that I know that's not mine. I'd see his father and his mother like my brother and my sister, so that, by virtue, makes him my bonus nephew.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

And I'm like, nephew, commit. Come. Holla at me. I got a cat in our gym. Big as hell. Tim would know what I'm talking about. I call him Wolverine. He's so big. He got, like, a haircut. Look like. And he's gigantic. And he come. He, what's up? I'm like, what's up, nephew? I'm looking up to him. Every time he hug me, I feel like I'm disappearing. He's jacket. But I am. He is my bonus nephew. Because here my mind, my wisdom is vast. It's expansive. And my job is to. Is to broaden his. As a matter of fact, just today. Just today. So crazy and just bringing this up, Just today, he came over to me, stole a moment with me, and said, I've been having a rough week this week. I think I said, say less. Hit me. I got you. He said, all right. Literally, we had to break out of the moment because he was starting to get emotional.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah, that's deep.

[Dondre Whitfield]

And these are the kinds of things we need to start looking at our brothers. We need to start looking at men like the human beings that we are that also suffer. Yes, our sisters suffer, but our brothers suffer in a different way. We suffer in silence.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah, you do.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Because there's shame in when we are.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Short crying or this.

[Dondre Whitfield]

You understand?

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

As a woman, I can call my homegirl and cry for hours, and she's.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Not gonna judge you at all.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Judge me?

[Dondre Whitfield]

Yes.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

I can speak on that. Men, they can't. When they usually call their homeboys. Let's go out.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Okay, look.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Remember the little viral clip P. When they. The what you call. They'd be like, yes.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Good night.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Yeah. Hey, man, I just wanted to call you. Sweet dreams. Sweet dreams. You going through something? You trying to kill yourself?

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Why you call me with sweet dreams?

[Dondre Whitfield]

What are you doing with the sweet dreams? Yeah, it was hilarious because everybody laughed because they know it's true. Yeah. You can't hit your brother with a. Yo, man. Just trying to see if you all right. You know, everything is cool. Just looking up, like, I watch this, I shake up all of my brothers with. Look, a couple of our brothers have, let's just say, seen the inside. Okay.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Okay. So they've been locked up.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

When I get to a certain level in our friendship, in our brotherhood, I don't care how they feel about it. When. When we leave, I go, hey, fam, you see? Hey, man. Love you, bro.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

I love that.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Love you, bro.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Love you, bro. And I don't care how you feel about it.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Makes you uncomfortable.

[Dondre Whitfield]

I don't care how you feel about it. Love you, bro. Watch this. What I have found is that over time, because all we're doing, like, think of, like, it, like. Like. Like decay, right? And you just chipping away at it. Eventually, you actually get in touch with the human being that's in there.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Touch a heartstring.

[Dondre Whitfield]

And one day, I love you, bro. Love you too, bro. Now, I don't say nothing but my inside, my heart, the human being is like, yo, yo, yo, we just went to another level. My brother just became another human being in this moment. And that's how we got to care for each other.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

But, you know, you have a certain level of wisdom. And I say this, when you have that wisdom, it is your responsibility to spread that.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Definitely. You do.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Don't have a choice.

[Dondre Whitfield]

No.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Right. I have wisdom, too. A lot of it is God given. I can't explain it. People are drawn to you. People come to you. Even when I See, you, you, you're like a mentor, a big brother, right?

[Dondre Whitfield]

Yep.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

So that is your responsibility, your purpose, to spread that information. Because you have been blessed with that. So it's on your heart, it's on your head. That's why you're writing the books and that's why you have that purpose.

[Dondre Whitfield]

You know what though? Let me tell you something. I. I'm glad that you said that because whenever I deal with, with somebody in that way and I see them transition to a new place, I messed their life up in a great way because I go, okay, so you see what's been happening right now, like now that you know you can't unknow.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

And now that you know you have, now you have an assignment.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Because the way that you leveled up now your job is to level somebody else up.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

That's how this is done.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Well, the burden of knowing is, is strong. No question that when you know, that means now you're. There's a difference between just doing something unintentionally and now harming. When you start to harm is when you know the burden of knowledge is important. That's why they say the ignorance is bliss. You know, the more you know, the harder it gets because the more you have the responsibility to show up in a certain way.

[Dondre Whitfield]

No question.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

You know, and I have that burden on me too. And you have to show up in a way even if it doesn't feel good, even if it hurts you.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Oh, yeah.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

You know that you don't want to say this because it might affect you. You gotta do it. It's not even an option.

[Dondre Whitfield]

It is the divine.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yes.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Design for your assignment.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

100%.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Like there's certain things, like when I wake up. So one of the things that I touch on in this new book is I started studying Blue zones. Blue Zones are the parts of the world where they, they have people who live to be a hundred years or more. Right. And they started talking about all the things that these people in these blue zones have in common. Now you would immediately start thinking about diet, right. Exercise, all of that.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Community.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Community. The one thing that they all had in common. And in Japan, in, in Okinawa, they call it ikigai.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

I know, but I know ikigai very well.

[Dondre Whitfield]

The purpose, which is Purpose.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yep. I studied ikigai. I have a whole book.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Okay.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

So when you wake up every day, what? So here in the west, we get rid of our elders. Yeah. We, we treat them like they're elderly.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

So we put them in old folks homes. We we cast them aside. Right. In these other regions of the world, they treat their elders like the walking encyclopedias that they are because they got wisdom.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

The elders, when they wake up, they wake up with assignment because they go, I got to teach my kids. I got to teach my grandkids. I got to teach my. My. My community. So they wake up with purpose.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

That's what keeps them alive. Yeah. The person I know a person. I can't say who, but this is a elder who had great influence and impact on the community that he worked with. And all he talked about with me was retirement. Oh, I can't. I can't wait to retire. Oh, I can. I can. And I was like, oh, I understand. I understand. I never asked him, what do you plan on doing once you retire? I never asked him that because he was so excited about retirement that I was just like, that's dope. That's dope. That's dope. When he retired, I saw his health drastically and immediately declined.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah, man. Because he felt like he lost his purpose. He didn't have.

[Dondre Whitfield]

He didn't have nothing to wake up for. Your coffee cannot be your purpose.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Your glass of wine or two or three at night cannot be your purpose. You sitting on your swing set cannot be your purpose.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Let me ask you this. For a long time in my life, I lacked purpose, and it depressed me.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Honestly.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

I felt like, wow, what is this? Even though I knew I had so much wisdom and so many people drawn to me to do this and that, I didn't know how to execute it. I didn't know if it was real. I didn't know if I'm just making it up. Right. And I know that feeling of feeling so defeated by not feeling like you have a reason to be here.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Empty.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Empty. Right now. I have a purpose, and I live very. I live through it every day. But what do you say to people who are trying to find that and they don't really know, and they're lost.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Okay. When I wrote Male versus Man, and I talked to you about me losing my best friend in that motorcycle accident, me losing him was so profound to me because. I felt the assignment of. He was a beginner writer. He was a novice writer, and I was an experienced writer. And one day we're out. This was gonna be, like the first day. He's, like, on, like, the freeway. He had just been doing the streets before that.

[Paul Pierce]

And.

[Dondre Whitfield]

We were on our way to Pasadena. We're on the 110 freeway. And you know that one big sweep and turn just before it lets you out onto, like, traffic. Like light to light traffic. When you get to Pasadena, there's a big sweeping turn. Me and my boys, we used to go through that turn doing 100 miles an hour with our knee down. Like the biggest adrenaline rush, like, ever. Well, now on this day, me, one of my homeboys, who's another experienced writer, G. And my best friend, Ahmaud Parker. And my spirit is telling me, don't do it. Not today, because your assignment is to look after your brother. Brother?

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Who's not an experienced writer. You got to be back here in order to make sure he's okay. My flesh is like, yeah, man. But every time we hit this turn, we just, we gotta do it. We gotta do. My spirit is going. Which was really God. Yeah, don't. Not today. Take, take, take care of your brother. My flesh negotiates the moment, says, well, you know, if you just communicate to him what's going on, then you could do your thing. So I begin to explain it to him. Hey, it's a turn up ahead. I'm going to go up. But you, you stay here. You slow down, slow down. I'm going to go up. You stay here. Slow down. Turn up ahead. Look, he looks, he nods at me. I communicated to him three times. He nods his head three times. I go up into this turn. Me and my, my, my boy G, we go up into this turn. We get through the turn. It's as exciting as it has ever been. We get to the light, dap up each other, and we turn over our shoulder to look back into the turn. And nobody's coming out of that turn.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Oh, I'm so sorry. That's tough.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Car comes up and says, hey, you guys got a bike down back there? My best friend lost his life on that day.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Oh, sorry.

[Dondre Whitfield]

I was in a spiritual prison for 10 years of my life. Because. I felt like I abandoned my post. I knew God had an assignment for me that day, and I abandoned my post. And I said, this is never going to happen again. This is never going to happen again. My daughter was two months from being born. His last name was Parker. My daughter's name was Parker. The most profound pain that I ever felt about not feeling like I was in the highest degree of manhood came at the expense of me losing my best friend. I say all of that to say that the thing that you're most in pain about is probably your purpose.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

That's deep.

[Dondre Whitfield]

And most people never get to their purpose because we're so busy running from Pain. Pain.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

So the thing that you should. You know, the thing that you're running away from is actually the thing that you should be running to.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Oh. I always say everything you want is on the other side of the fear you're avoiding.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Okay. So so many people, we. We live in a culture where we're. We're taught to run from pain. Anything that makes you uncomfortable, anything that's painful, you run from it. Get away from.

[Paul Pierce]

Run.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

You gotta face it. You gotta face it.

[Dondre Whitfield]

So the vast majority of people, if you. If sustained happiness, if the key to sustained happiness is knowing your purpose and the thing that you're most in pain about is probably your purpose, that's probably why you are completely disconnected from your happiness, because you're disconnected from your purpose, because you keep running from your pain.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

That's a bar. Thank you for giving us so many gems on this episode.

[Dondre Whitfield]

This was like hanging out with the fam.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah, it is.

[Paul Pierce]

He was preaching the whole over here, like, taking everything in.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah. And I'm like, I'm gonna have to call you on a different day, so I get some more jazz. But, no, I really appreciate you coming on. This was really a special episode. We're gonna have to have you back.

[Dondre Whitfield]

When the book is done. I'm coming back. Part two.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Part two. We need back.

[Paul Pierce]

Like, I got chills today.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah. This was so incredible.

[Paul Pierce]

So much. And we had these cards, and I look at the questions you answered. Everything. To you. This is, like, pretty much a lot of the stuff you covered. All our questions. It was like we covering it.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah.

[Dondre Whitfield]

But that. That's. That's a part. That's a part of assignment. Like, just knowing. Okay. I know what I'm here to do. Yeah, do that.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

That.

[Dondre Whitfield]

And when you do, like, tonight, when I tell you I'm asleep, so. Good. Because that's what happens when you're walking out purpose. When you're walking in it.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

You're operating from your genius.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Oh, my God.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Everything feels organic. It's flowing, and it's how it's supposed to be. I always say when I feel like that and I'm operating from my genius, it's because God has me in a.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Place and there's no thinking.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

That's what it is. Operating from regimes. So it's so, like, organic.

[Dondre Whitfield]

Oh, my gosh.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

It feels natural.

[Dondre Whitfield]

It is the best.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

And this was amazing. Again, thank you for coming on this show. Y' all make sure you guys get his book, Male vs Man. I already know. I'm gonna read that. And also your New book coming out. We're gonna have him back when that comes out. But you guys have to really tap in with the coaching and everything that you do. It's incredible. I feel like I got a little coaching lesson tonight. I feel good. But yeah, thank you guys for tuning in. And we'll put all his information below the links, the books and everything.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah, absolutely, man. The thing I got from this, seriously, is just like with all you youth out there, to have a disconnect with the OGs out there who. Who need, you know, some mentors, you know, and we reach out to these cats, you know, and the problem is, I think the disconnect is the social media. They just don't know how to. To talk to us.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Paul Pierce]

But I think us as older generation, we got to just continue to push, to keep pushing, keep pushing, keep. You know, because I reach out some cats and they, you know, whatever, whatever, P. Whatever. But you gotta. You gotta stay with it.

[Dondre Whitfield]

You gotta do it, you gotta push it.

[Paul Pierce]

You gotta stay on assignments. That's part of. And that's what I was like, damn.

[Dondre Whitfield]

You can't give up on.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yeah, that's right. You can't give up. Yeah. It's always.

[Paul Pierce]

I love that, that really giving up.

[Dondre Whitfield]

On them is like other people who gave up on us when we just couldn't see and we just didn't know. And now, now that we know, now we gotta do better.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

100%. 100%. Well, thank you guys so much. Thank you to Andre. We really appreciate you.

[Dondre Whitfield]

My pleasure. Can't wait to come back.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Yes.

[Paul Pierce]

Yeah. Let's get it. I'm in the yard. Give it out to the yard. We in the yard tomorrow, baby.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

I love it. I love it too.

[Paul Pierce]

I'm pulling up two.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

I love it.

[Paul Pierce]

This is the taking over the game. All right, everybody. Welcome to True Truth After Dark.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

Do you think that men or women are more toxic?

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[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

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[Dondre Whitfield]

Janice Torres here and I'm Austin Hankwitz.

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We host the podcast Mind the Small Business Success Stories, produced by Ruby Studio in partnership with Intuit QuickBooks.

[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

We're back for season four to talk to some incredible small business owners.

[Dondre Whitfield]

The big thing about working at tech is that it's ever evolving, ever changing. Everyone's a rookie, that's how fast the industry is changing. So what I'm really excited about is to be part of that change.

[Sponsor/Advertisement Voice]

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[Dondre Whitfield]

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[Host (possibly female, podcast host)]

This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human.