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Clutterbug - Real-Life Hacks and Tips to Declutter, Organize and Clean your Home Fast
How to Stop Feeling like a Failure at Home | Clutterbug Podcast # 277
00:48:30
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- [00:00]
A
Could lack of confidence be holding you back from having the life that you really want? Could it be holding you back from a tidy house or a clean house? Could it be holding you back from being the mom or the spouse that you wish you could be? We're going to talk about that and so much more in today's podcast. And I'm super excited to introduce today's guest, Susan from the Confident Mom. She has a thriving business as a coach and really just a leader in the online community, helping people grow confidence as a mom in their relationships, but also in their home, showing them exactly how to get things done and coming up with easy, step by step instructions. Because as she says, a lot of people just were never really taught how to do these things, how to do things like laundry or cleaning or parenting. And she is coming to the rescue. You do not want to miss this incredible interview with Susan from the Confident Mom. Welcome, Susan, to the Clutterbug podcast. I'm so excited to have you here.
- [01:15]
B
I'm thrilled. I love, I love jumping on different podcasts and learning about other people. So this is going to be super fun today. I'm excited.
- [01:23]
A
It is going to be fun. Your Instagram feels like a hug. Can I just say that?
- [01:29]
B
It feels, does.
- [01:31]
A
You're so supportive and it feels you like you understand. Not only do you offer incredible advice that can help moms, anyone, even if you're not a mom, feel better about themselves and their home and just being a parent, but I feel like you.
- [01:48]
B
Really get it too, you know? Well, I would hope after 32 years that I would get it right, because it's been like this. Right, right. I mean, it's never like, oh, yay, right. And so I, I take that really to heart that you feel like my space feels like a hug. I, I, my account exploded about a year and a half ago and so that has been navigating all in itself. And, but I do, I want to provide a space that maybe feels a little bit different than the typical social media space. I really want to be just inviting people in and feel like, like they're having a cup of coffee with me and they can share things and, you know, it. That makes me feel so good that you feel like that. So, yeah, I am grateful to have the experiences that I've had in my life because as with most things, we, we go through trials and then we are able to help other people. Right. And so now I can look back and at this period of my life and I can see, oh, this happened because now I'm able to be set up so that I can nurture and, you know, help others through different seasons and, you know, juggling all of the things in your home and, you know, if you're a parent, you know, parenting. And we are a blended family, we're an adoptive family, we've done foster care. Like so many pieces of the puzzle that can often overwhelm and who wants to stay in overwhelm. Right. You know, you know that feeling, and I'm hoping people get out of it. Right.
- [03:24]
A
Yeah, I. I feel like I've learned so much in my years, my many years on this planet, and I feel confident as a homemaker. I feel confident in a lot of ways, but I definitely do not feel confident as a mom. And I think a lot of moms can relate to this. It is such a hard job. I would love to hear your hero origin story, how you became the confident mom.
- [03:49]
B
Well, you know, if you look at the definition, I was just actually thinking about this the other day. If you. If you look at the definition of like, confident or confidence, it comes. You get confident just from doing. And so I think that oftentimes, you know, we can get trapped in fear and. And thinking, like, if we're going to choose to do something, that it has to be perfect. And that's just so, so much of a lie. And so I think part of my story is I was a flight attendant for 20 years. I left that profession shortly after I was remarried. And I knew I wanted to do something that had to do with the home. I just felt such a calling and a passion, and there really wasn't anything that I found that met that, but I found a parent coach certification. And so actually that's kind of where I went. And I got amazing. Just skill sets and different things and helping especially moms. But I did, you know, work with couples as well. But just understanding what parenting looked like and how we could, you can step into being confident. And I think, you know, some of us maybe are gifted with a little more confidence in some things than others. And I think that I genuinely had some confidence in my ability to parent. And I think that comes from too right. Our backgrounds. So, I mean, that can impact so much. And so I think, you know, now my encouragement, as you know, I've stepped into really focusing on the home is just helping moms know it's progress. There is no perfect. And we just keep trying new things or something different, and something will click. And as soon as that thing clicks right. In two weeks, it's Going to be a different thing that you need to try. Right. And so it's just being that encouragement and that safe space. I think that's just what builds confidence in all of us. I guess. So, yeah.
- [05:57]
A
I want to hear some actual. Here's the thing. I'm like, fix me and give me a step by step instructions. Here's what I will tell you about my mother experience. My experience as a mom. When my little ones were little, I actually felt really confident. I was like, I'm a good mom. I read the stories and I take them to the park and I kiss their boo boos and I'm like teaching them their alphabets and things are great. Then they became real humans with thoughts and attitudes and opinions. And what I'm not great with is other human beings, like adult human beings. And so I think this is the thing as parents, it's a relationship. Just like you have relationships with your sister and your mom and your spouse and your friend. You have to have a good relationship with your children. And relationships can be hard. Well, for me anyways.
- [06:54]
B
So I would love to. I don't think you're alone. I mean, come on. Right? It's hard. Yes.
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A
It's hard to.
- [07:02]
B
It's a skill set in of itself really to learn how to do relationships well because we are all bringing our own baggage. Right. To that. So. Yeah, I agree. Sorry, I interrupted. You go. Right.
- [07:14]
A
No, no. So this is so good. So I would love to hear.
- [07:19]
B
Your.
- [07:20]
A
Some. Some like things that everyone should maybe do to be a more confident mom. But even if they don't maybe have children still at home, I think maybe some of your advice can help in any relationship.
- [07:33]
B
Right? Yes. Okay. Yeah. No, this is great. So just a little background for those who don't know my season that I'm in right now. I have four children. We are a blended family. So I had two biological children when I entered into my second marriage. And it'll be 18 years this August. My husband had a son, so I have a stepson and then we ended up adopting from foster care. And we have one child still in the home and he's 15 and a half. So there's just a little dynamic. I think it's valuable because sometimes I think when somebody's giving advice, somebody may be like, oh, well, that doesn't pertain to me because I have this situation or that. And so all that to say I've juggled lots of different parenting scenarios and situations and the whole nature versus nurture kind of thing. I bought into like Especially my youngest who was adopted, like, oh, I can just parent him. Like I parented my other kids, right. That were, you know, biological or even, you know, my stepson. And the fact of the matter is that that was false and I had to learn that. And I had to learn to adjust. Right. My expectations. And I think that's one thing that I think is really critical whether you're talking about a parenting situation or even relationships. Right? It is. We are disappointed when our expectations aren't met. Right. And so I have learned over time, if something isn't going the way that I anticipated or thought, were my expectations realistic? And how can I adjust them without, you know, losing, you know, especially in a parenting situation, how can I adjust my expectation here so that maybe we can meet in the middle versus me always feeling like I am fighting against, you know, my child or whatever. So I don't know if that resonates at all, but that I think has been huge. Just personally, personally and especially as my kids left our home and now are, you know, in their own home and I have two grandchildren. And so that just adds, you know, a whole different element to expectations. Right.
- [10:01]
A
Man, I'm already thinking, like all the times I get upset, like I almost feel like irrationally upset. I feel, I feel unloved and disrespected sometimes because I'll come home from work, I work a second part time job, I'll come home and there'll be dirty dishes everywhere and everything's all over. And I realized in my mind while driving home, I had this story that everyone did the dishes while I was gone and maybe they even like baked muffins or something. And maybe they'll be like, run to the door and be happy to see me. I build up this magical story of my magical life and then I walk in the door and none of that has happened. Of course, I haven't communicated any, any of these things to them. My daydream, perfect life narrative. And then I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed and I'm angry and I feel rejected and I feel like all.
- [10:54]
B
These things taken advantage of. Right. But I mean, they don't appreciate the things that you do do. I mean, yes, it's a snowball.
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A
Yeah, I've had a whole fight inside my own mind. First I had a whole dream and then I had a whole argument and now I'm just angry and I haven't even spoken to another human being.
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B
Right.
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A
And I do this, whether it's my spouse, I even do this with like sometimes extended family. Members where there's expectations that I put. So that is so good. So how do we catch ourselves making these unrealistic expectations? And should we just have very, very low expectations of people like no. Okay, help me, help me.
- [11:33]
B
So I think, right. I think one of the things that you just kind of hit on, right, Is that. So it is an unmet expectation. You have this vision of what things are going to be like at home. But have you communicated that to your, you know, the others that are, you know, in your home? Likely not. Sometimes you have, right? And then they still aren't meeting the expectation. And so I think if communication is one of the key elements, I think that right. Needs to be addressed. And so if that been communicated effectively and you're still being met with resistance, then it's kind of like looking at the situation. Okay, what seems to be the problem from getting. From my. What I want to see happen to what is actually happening, which whatever is nothing, right. And so my. What I would say for advice is instead of in that moment, right, we walk in the door and then, I mean I used to be like this and then I learned, right. Is that the best time to have a conversation with everybody that I'm all angry and mad because, you know, whatever dishes are piled up, like you said, the mess is there. Is that the best time to have a conversation that probably will end up to be positive? No, probably not. Right. And so that is self control on my part, right. To not allow that I can take note. Okay, super disappointed. I can even say that in that tone, right? Super disappointed to see everything in disarray. It's going to take me a little bit longer to kind of fix things up before I can whatever, make dinner, do whatever the next thing is and then choose a time, right. To perhaps have this conversation with the others in. In your house that can help make a difference and then find a solution together instead of like I felt like for many years I just told everybody what I wanted them to do versus engaging them. And obviously this depends on the age of your children and whoever, you know, else is in the house. But, but engaging in a conversation on how can we resolve this? How can we come to a different outcome in this situation and be, you know, willing to hear other ideas. And I think for us, especially as a blanded family, like I did things a certain way, you know, my husband had done things a certain way. And then we come together and then we have to figure it all out. This whole family meeting, you don't have to call them a Family meeting. But you know, really having some open communication and learning to resolve situations together, gosh, it adds resiliency to the family unit. Your children and your spouse is going to feel validated and that their ideas matter and you're going to have more buy in. And that's what I have seen over and over and over. But right the, the self control piece instead of like I was raised in a home where my mom was a screamer and a yeller. That's just, I just knew that's, I mean I didn't know any different really because that's what it was. And so over the years I have been able to change my behavior and now just speak in this kind of tone. You. Even when I'm really upset or, you know, whatever. And so I mean that's, that's a lot of self control.
- [15:00]
A
That is self control because listen, I try to talk in this tone and I talk and no one listens until mom starts screaming. And then you know what they'll say. You don't gotta scream. You could have just told me nicely. I'm like, I've been, I've sent you a text, I've said it in person. I've asked you nicely. I've done, we've written lists. It can be very frustrating.
- [15:21]
B
It's. Yes, it can, yes. And I think trying different approaches is effective. But I'm going to say this one thing because I have been guilty of this too. But this is common with, especially when I was doing coaching with moms and it was lack of consistency on my part. So I would ask somebody to do something and I'm even guilty of this now. But with my 15 and a half year old, I will ask him to do something but yet I don't follow up to make sure that it has been done. Because whatever I forget, I don't write it down or whatever or I think, oh, it's been done, right? And so when I circle back and find it hasn't been done, then it is me. I'm the one that's guilty because I didn't follow up and check in on that. And so what is that? What is that? I guess reinforcing to him is that he really doesn't have to listen to what I say because if I just kind of let it go, she's going to forget and whatever. So I have to build in a system so that I am following up with what I've asked so that, that he knows I mean what I say. Right. And so this is in so many different Areas, Right. Of, you know, running a home and dealing with, with people in it. But yeah, that's so good.
- [16:43]
A
I'm not so great with the consistency, with the consequences. So I'll be like, if you don' do that, I'm gonna take away the screen time. And then I never actually remember to take away the screen time. But like, sometimes I will. Like, maybe. And then they'll be like, but you didn't do it the last 500 other times. But now you are. Make up your mind, you crazy lady. And I'm like, I mean it this time. But do you mean it this time?
- [17:06]
B
Because you didn't mean it the last time. It really builds a lack of trust, right. When we, we don't follow up with what we say that we're gonna do. Yeah. And that, oh, man, it's like building, it's like building a muscle. I was going to do this arm, but nobody sees it on the screen. Building a muscle. Because that's exactly what that consistency. When you start, if you figure out a way. Right, okay. And I, and I'll just say this like, you know, you, you can sit there and beat yourself up and think of like, oh, my gosh, I haven't been consistent on 25 different things. Instead of being overwhelmed with thinking, like, I totally suck, you know, this is horrible. Like, I'm the worst ever. Just pick one thing that you want to focus on to try to be more consistent with your kids because this is how you're going to build the muscle and you're going to see progress on your end versus, you know, feeling like you're biting, you know, you're. Whatever the saying is about the, you know, doing the elephant, right. The big elephant. Right. Instead of just doing small things to chip away at something. So, you know, figure out what that one thing is that you really want your child or your spouse to do and be truly consistent in whatever that looks like for you. So I know for us, yeah, screen time was a big deal. So now, like, instead of taking away the screen time, I changed it. Where these things don't happen, I mean, or they have to happen before you get your screen time. So for us, that screen time worked for us in our home because. Yeah, was just, it was just the way that it.
- [18:45]
A
I might be stealing that idea because, yeah, I use it as a punishment, but it is, There is consistency instead of like, if you do this, you earn your screen time.
- [18:55]
B
Right. I mean, it's a privilege, right? If you have certain expectations in your home that, you know, things you Know, need to be a certain way, or, you know, I'm coming home from work. And, you know, you know, Joe has this task, you know, Marcy has this as. Or whatever needs to be done when I get home. And if it's done, great, then you get your screen time or you get this privilege. And being part of a family, you earn privileges, you know, and so if you're going to be a participant, then you'll get the privilege. If not, then, okay, that's okay. You don't have to. It's a choice. Right. And I think the more often that we allow our kids to feel like they have a choice, the better response that we're going to get, honestly, that's so good.
- [19:43]
A
Okay, you have a lot of followers on your Instagram. You're doing so well. Is there some messages that you find are really resonating with your audience more? They're like, things that they're like, that was so helpful. Or like, yeah, I would love to know your audience. Like, what they're like, this thing is the thing that's changing my life.
- [20:06]
B
You know, I think. Well, I would say it's what blew my account up. So just a little background. Two years ago, I was at like, 5, 000 followers on my Instagram. So. And, you know, just plugging away, doing the things that people do to try to grow their audience. And then it was a reel that really exploded my account. And it was shortly before the Thanksgiving holiday in the US and it was all about for the girl who never learned how to clean her home. I've got you. And that's the real. That blew up. Literally, it was 10 seconds long. But the messages coming in from women, but men, too, have had. They have no idea how to keep a home, how to do their laundry, how to clean a toilet, what tasks are important. They really have had no background. And. And I was. I honestly was shocked that that, that resonated so much. So, so all that to say. Then I was like, oh, my gosh, this is where, you know, and I was already focused in that area anyway. However, I knew this was it. And so that's just kind of where I've shown up. And now it's funny because things that I have taken for granted and felt like, oh, everybody knows how to do that. No, they don't. I mean, I'm doing, you know, short little cleaning reels every week on, you know, here's how to clean, you know, your baseboards, or here's how to deep clean your sink, or people I shouldn't say people. There's a generation, I feel, that has missed out on some of those life skills through no fault of their own oftentimes. And it's kind of, you know, what I've discovered in messages is people, you know, either they had a mom that didn't show them they, you know, their mom maybe hired a house cleaner because she worked out of the home. And so nobody ever really knew like how, how is everything kept clean? You know, and it just magically happens you, they weren't having to do, you know, some of those family responsibilities and chores and learning some of those things on their own, you know, or maybe they weren't in a home, you know, with a parent to show them so, so many pieces. So that we do. And I, I'm old enough that I learned some things in home ec, not necessarily house cleaning, but some of those daily home care things. And you know, that's been gone for, for quite a while, so. And so it makes me sad, but it also, it has given me deep purpose and passion showing up in, you know, my space and just really encouraging women that it's okay. Right? You're, we, we have been sold such a garbage bag of goods that, you know, there's so much on social media and Pinterest that everybody's house is just so perfect. Right, but that's not realistic. Right. But you can have a tidy home and it doesn't have to look like Pinterest. And I think it's like trying to meld that together to help women understand you can have a tidy home, that it's okay if somebody drops by, your house isn't going to look like a bomb went off, but you're going to live in your house. And so anyway, that was a super long answer to no.
- [23:40]
A
I love it. I'm so excited because I feel like this ties into where we talked earlier about the expectations and being disappointed. Here's what I found. Like, I've, I've helped coach hundreds and hundreds of women and they will say like, I, I don't know how to clean and I don't know how to organize and I'm really bad at decluttering and I'm really bad at finding homes for things. And then when I show them, they're like, oh, it's just that you're just throwing a bat your shoes into a basket. Wait. I think what's happening is there's such an expectation from society and just all over that that this is harder than it is and we tend to over complicate simple things. And so we procrastinate till. Because we're not exactly sure how we're supposed to do it. When in reality, I feel like there is no supposed to. And there is this. It's the expectations that are crushing us. I can't tell you how many times I've gone, gone into someone's home. And I do the same thing every time. I'm like, okay, let's put some hooks right here in a big old basket on the floor and let's just get rid of some. These things you don't use. And it's like, this is changing my life. When in reality it's because their expectation, they're, they're. They were overthinking over planning, over researching, just over complicating.
- [25:02]
B
Yes, all of it. I see it. That's. This is the biggest thing, right. I mean, as, as women in general, we have, we have to house a lot up here, right? And so I can see right for you, because I have a lot of people come to me, like, I can't keep my house clean because I have too much stuff, right? And then it's like, okay, you need to get rid of some stuff. That's just the bottom line, right? We, we have too much stuff. I just feel like in general, I'm not a minimalist. I call myself a loveliest. The things in my home all have meaning and purpose. It's when you start accumulating so much stuff that your things don't really. Then it starts to like, I feel like, come in on you. But in any way, it's decision fatigue. You're right. You hit the nail on the head. People, they want to over research it. They think that there's a certain way to do it or whatever. Instead of just, no, just take today, get rid of five things, put them somewhere else, or, you know, whatever. And so it's very similar, like the decluttering thing and where to start to keep, you know, some routine or rhythm into areas of your home that you routinely keep tidy in order to, to avoid binge cleaning. Because a lot of people, that's what they want to do. Oh, I'll just spend all weekend cleaning, right? And then you're exhausted. And then Monday comes and everybody starts living in your house, you know, by Monday night, it's like, what happened, you.
- [26:27]
A
Know, and oftentimes, like, it can't stay the way it was after you've cleaned because you've really just like shoved and hidden and stacked things. But nothing has a home where you naturally put it down. And, and that's, that's the big thing I see over and over again is there isn't like really easy, fast solutions to catch the things that you just use to live every day. And you need to set up a home to catch you on your worst day. You need to set up a home that is organized in a way that you can really quickly find things and really quickly put them away when you're tired, when you're burnt out, when you're coming home from work at 10pm and got to get up at 7 the next morning and don't have time. And I think when we take the pressure off ourselves, like, oh, we don't have to decant our crackers. We just need to throw them in a bin called labeled crackers.
- [27:19]
B
Right?
- [27:19]
A
Oh, or just. How about just throw them on a shelf where other. Other crackers go, you know? But, but everything does have that need to have that defined home. It just has. It doesn't have to be defined with the expectation that people have in their minds. And actually, let's really talk about expectations. I'm going to get on my soapbox for a second here. Where does all the it should be done this way come from? This, I find right now is like my biggest sort of. I'm fighting back against. You don't have to sort your laundry into colors. No, just you don't wash everything on cold.
- [27:57]
B
You could. I might have to fight back on that.
- [28:00]
A
But if you want to sort it.
- [28:02]
B
Oh, yes, yes.
- [28:04]
A
Then you should do that. But if you are like waiting to do the laundry and it's piling up because you don't have time to properly sort it, I'm saying, why don't we just do it kind of crappy? Because done is better. And for me, I had to embrace these shortcuts because I always put off everything until I could do it the way my grandma. I guess not even grandma society in my brain thought things were.
- [28:33]
B
You learned somewhere, right? You learned that it had to be that way or no way. So.
- [28:41]
A
Exactly. So I've really been over the past few decades embracing crappy. And now I'm looking at my backyard. Susan, listen, the grass is growing. It's. It's got dandy. I'm like, we should spray the weeds. We gotta cut the grass. There's parts where the grass isn't growing. And I'm thinking, why are we not. Why do we even have grass? Why are we not just growing clover which doesn't have to be cut and has flowers and it just is Soft. Like there's so many things we do because of some invisible rules and expectations that we're not even sure where they came from. And just everyone else has maybe done things these ways. And I wonder if we challenge the why, we could make life a little bit less pressured. Does that make sense?
- [29:30]
B
Yeah, I, you know, I think that that totally makes sense. And I think that if you are in that space and. And having those kind of questions or awareness, then really thinking, okay, this isn't really working. How, you know, maybe it works for other people. It's not really working for us. What are some other alternatives? Right. I mean, just for that example. Right. So grass. Maybe your family doesn't enjoy it. They don't play out in the grass. There's no reason for, you know, that to be a chore. Right. Or a sore spot for you. What. What could that space be used better for or what it could look like? I mean, just like you said, maybe you just throw. It's all wildflowers, and it's like, then you don't have to do anything. It's just beautiful. Right? Or, you know, maybe you're like, forget it, we're astroturfing it. Because my kids like to play, you know, kickball or whatever outside, but I don't want to mow the grass anymore. And this is, you know, or. So I think that giving yourself permission, right, to choose something that may not be for the other person, but it works for you. And here we go back to this and having confidence that your decision is good for your family, but. And it's fine if it's not for other people. Right. So. But I think that it comes with. Right. Everybody can see everybody else's stuff now on social media, which I think impacts us. I mean, if you were to take a scale, I honestly feel like it impacts us in the negative. However, there are precious spaces, right. And we have to be very choosy on where we're going to spend our time in these space spaces. On social media. There are places where, I mean, I know for me, I. I get great ideas. I feel better after I spend a few minutes in a, you know, on somebody's account or what. Or listen to a podcast or whatever. Versus feeling crappier about myself. Yeah.
- [31:37]
A
And weeding out the stuff that makes you feel crappy and more of the things that make you feel good. I'm gonna take a quick second before Susan and I talk about something that might be, like, slightly controversial to thank today's podcast speaker sponsor. Factor Factor is incredible. They're like TV dinners, I guess, but never frozen. Fresh, homemade, chef inspired meals delivered right to your door. And they're ready in two minutes. For me, I want to eat a quick lunch, but I want it to also be healthy and not fast food. And that's why I love getting factor. They are absolutely amazing. The portions are great, but I can choose keto or low calorie or really healthy options. Right now, if you want to give factor a try and have nutritious, delicious meals delivered never frozen, always fresh to your door, you're going to get 50% off your first box plus free shipping. When you go to factor meals.com clutterbug50off again, factor meals.com clutterbug50OFF and use the code clutterbug50OFF for 50% off plus free shipping your first box. I love that you said like, it's about the confidence it brings back to you.
- [32:55]
B
You're right.
- [32:56]
A
In order to really be a confident mom or a confident homemaker or a confident person, it comes from owning your decision, doesn't it? And it comes from being like, yeah, I got this and I'm going to carve my own path and do it my own way and not worry what other people are thinking or how other people are doing it. And I think this applies to not only parenting, but. Yeah. How you manage your home, how you declutter everything. Right. We don't always have to follow these invisible rules. We get to make our own rules. Right.
- [33:34]
B
Right. You know, and another thing too, I feel like I don't know if we want to go here or not, but I feel just from. And maybe you, you have experienced this, experience this too. But whether, you know, it's working one on one with somebody or in I have a membership where homemakers are in there and they'll ask questions or they'll bring up a situation. And I feel like it's so easy for us to play the victim in whatever scenario. And it's not. It's. So I say this in a kind way. It's not that some situations aren't really difficult or, you know, that you may be in, you know, a really hard situation or have a hard decision to make or whatever that is. However, there is a lot of resilience that comes when we choose to not play the victim in that role. Right. All of this hasn't been done to me, or maybe you feel it has been done to me. However, I can choose to respond in a different way versus react negatively or whatever. Right. And so I just feel like, oof. Especially you know, in, in the space with our home. If we're talking about confidence. Right. And, and what does it look like to parent at different seasons, all of these things. Right. We all get to make a choice on how we show up in our day and it doesn't matter my situation, I get to still choose how I show up. So I kind of, I kind of went up on this little.
- [35:16]
A
No, I love it, girl, let's talk. I'm gonna, I'm gonna reinforce this. Uh huh. I see a pattern and the, the victim thing is so something I see over and over and over again. But I feel like it has a trend that it follows. And I'm just going to share what I think I've seen in a lot of my clients that I work with. I see these like they were little baby perfectionists maybe when they were in school and they were younger and there was really like a reward, like you got A's, you tried hard and you did it the right way and good job. Gold star, gold star, gold star, star. And then you get out in the real world and you're not exactly sure how to do things and you try to do it how you think you're supposed to and it's really over complicated and it's not working out the way you thought and you're trying really, really hard and failing anyways. And then that's so soul crushing, especially to the little perfectionist because suddenly it's like no matter what you do, you can't win. So instead of constantly hating yourself, which you probably do a bit of that too, like, oh, I'm, I'm, I'm bad at this and I'm messy and what's wrong with me and blah. As a defense mechanism, I think sometimes we, to protect ourselves, we kind of say, well, it's not totally my fault. It's because of this and it's because of this and it's because I don't have the money and someday I'll be able to do it or he doesn't help me or this happened and this and because of this and then this becomes all a real thought habit. It started out as a way of us like, yeah. Sheltering ourselves from the self hatred.
- [36:57]
B
But now it becomes, it's coping. It's a coping mechanism. Right? Yeah.
- [37:02]
A
But now it becomes our only way of thinking and our crutch that we sort of lean on in all areas of like, well I can't possibly do that because I'm sick or I have chronic pain or because I can't really lift or because this person doesn't help me, or it's not my stuff, it's someone else's stuff. And I do. I see, like, this pattern of where this started from, but I also see kind of the way out. And I think one of the best ways out of this pattern is going back to the very beginning of why we felt stuck and felt like failing, because we were meet. Not meeting these really ridiculous expectations. We were failing to do things the way we, you know, had envisioned it should be done. When we allow ourselves to maybe take some shortcuts and just celebrate little bitty wins and kind of suck at things like, sorry, Susan, but not always sorting your laundry. At least it's going in the washer and then in the dryer. And guess what? Maybe you don't fold. You just shove it into the drawer when you're done, and then you're like, the laundry's away. When we take the pressure off ourselves, I feel like we can start getting these little wins again. And so we don't have to protect ourselves from failure because we're having success, but we've got to get that little baby bits of success and celebrate those little sh. I want to say shitty but crappy wins in order to build up our confidence again.
- [38:32]
B
Right?
- [38:33]
A
Yeah. So we can stop hiding behind our victim shield.
- [38:39]
B
Right. Or our excuse. Yeah. I think. And I was just. I'm starting a Reels series, and one of the things I was talking about today was, how can you have a win? And I think when we use that word, we often have to think it's some big thing that, you know, is going to be huge. But that's not how. How you start. You. You. You get to celebrate whatever win that is. So. So for me, you know, when I hear, like, just throw the laundry in or whatever, okay, that necessarily wouldn't be a win for me, but that's okay because everybody starts in a different spot. Right. You get to celebrate what you choose to celebrate. And I think that has been one of the pieces of encouragement that, you know, in my DMs or whatever, that, you know, a mom will start using my planner and feel failure because they didn't get to every task that's on the day. And I'm like, sister, I don't even get to every task that's on the day often. But here's the thing. You don't have to think about what needs to be done today because you just look at the day, and here's what's on the list, your choice is what can I do? And leave the rest. And that you get to take as a win. And I think when we start to look at our days in that way and see celebrate, like you said, those small things of making progress. I mean, that is what we said. Progress over perfect. You. You have to choose to do that. And as a recovering perfectionist, like, I get that, you know, but not everybody's a recovering perfectionist.
- [40:15]
A
They're definitely not. But I do think that it's hard for people to embrace taking shortcuts. Sometimes times I think they're like, I am doing it badly, doing the dishes badly. I'm like, no, you're not doing them at all. There's a difference. Maybe you could just put everything in the dishwasher and run it twice a day. And if things melt, they melt. And not hand wash anything. Question mark. At least the dishes are done. And people will be like, I could never. And they. It's like this. Like, oh, no, I couldn't. But meanwhile, you can't see their counter because there's dirty dishes everywhere. Or I'll say maybe to just don't fold your clothes and just shove your pajamas in the bin. And it's like, met with. It's met with this, like, visceral. I could never. But meanwhile, their clothes are in a crumpled pile on the floor right now. So it's these expectations of how one day I'm gonna do everything. Right. That are compounding and suffocating people because they're not willing to not only just check something off the list, but check it off the list. Done not to perfection, Right?
- [41:22]
B
Yeah. Yeah.
- [41:24]
A
Well, you don't have to move your furniture to vacuum your floor.
- [41:27]
B
Right.
- [41:27]
A
You don't even have to move the clutter. You can vacuum around the clutter.
- [41:31]
B
Right.
- [41:32]
A
Like, that's enough of a celebration to be like, yes. And then maybe next time you move a little pile in a pile, but to put everything off until we can do it the way is envisioned in our mind, I feel like, is a huge, huge contributor. And not everyone's a perfectionist. Yes. But there is this expectation, I think, of how to do things that hold people back.
- [41:55]
B
Yeah. It's a disservice, right. To us to think of. Of the things in our life that they have to be. It's an all or nothing. Right. And it does it. It handicaps us into this spot of like, we were, you know, chatting about playing the victim to our circumstances when we are. That's an intentional choice for us to choose not to do something either part way or good enough. Right. And just fall back. Well, I just. I can't do it all the way, so I'm just not going to do it. And then like you said, you're. You're living around all of the stuff because you didn't. You know, instead of thinking, oh, I have to declutter my whole house and you. That seems so overwhelming. Right. Okay, just go declutter your silverware drawer. Like, come on. Like, start somewhere. Right. I mean, totally.
- [42:43]
A
Can you find five things and then celebrate that? It's such human nature to be like, well, that didn't make a difference. So therefore, it's not worthy of patting myself on the back for. But when we can train ourselves to pat ourselves on the back for all those little things, we can break the victim cycle, and we can break that all or nothing cycle, and we can break free. Free of that suffocating. I suck at everythingness that I think keeps people just. Yeah. From living their best life.
- [43:13]
B
Death and discouraged. Right. And now we're. I think more people suffer from anxiety and depression. I mean, it's all of this just, like, carrying around all of these things that. That are just not serving us. Right.
- [43:27]
A
Yeah. Oh, I love this. You're so good. Thank you. I'm feeling. I'm feeling pumped. I feel like I. I feel like I've nailed it in the house and with the house cleaning. I need to take the same approach to, like, my parenting. I need to. It's the expectations, isn't it? It's the pers.
- [43:43]
B
The.
- [43:43]
A
The. The story I've built in my head of how it's supposed to go. We're supposed to cuddle at the end of the night and watch a movie together as a family. And then when that doesn't happen, I'm like, well, I'm a horrible mother and my children hate me. But it's these exposure expectations I've set. Instead of instead celebrating the little baby wins. Like, you know, they asked me to take them to the thrift store and buy them a shirt, and I got to take them here and do this with them. Or they just walked into my room and told me about their day without me having to ask. Maybe I could celebrate those little baby wins instead of my own. It has to be this big magical thing or nothing. Yeah.
- [44:26]
B
No, I think that's a great takeaway. Right. If the listeners here just took away that piece. Right. Look in your day for the things that you can celebrate versus. Right. The things that didn't go the way that you thought that they would. So I have started this kind of habit. I listened to another podcast and she saw about rewiring your brain and how we can change change and think positively. And I have to think every morning about the day before and what micro gratitude things I have to come up with. 10. Right. It's just a gratitude list, but it's really then having me examine my day and what little things out of the day could I be grateful for? And maybe something didn't go right like I thought it might go, but I still have to. I'm going to choose to tweeze out those things that I can be grateful for. And, and sometimes it's challenging, but this is how right we change everything. It's how we look at our day and, and what we are going to take away as being good versus focusing on the things that aren't good. Right. I mean we all know this, but it's just like this practicing building this muscle. Right. And, and how we're going to choose to, to show up and, and the.
- [45:45]
A
Self awareness sometimes that we don't even realize we're doing it because we've just always done it. Whether it's the victim or having too big of expectations or not taking the little steps until we can do it all perfectly, whatever it is. Yeah. So, so good. How else can my listeners find you and follow you and just get a hug from your beautiful social media?
- [46:10]
B
Well, I'm over on Instagram, I'm. I'm usually there every day and yeah, you'll find some resources. I have a weekly household planner which has been saving moms from that decision fatigue. If so if you're struggling with managing your home, that is definitely the ticket out and so many people have loved that. But yeah, I show up there. I'd love to, you know, give encouragement and, and I am answering in my DMs even though, you know, I have a large following. I can have a lot of people help me with a lot of things, but I think people are surprised sometimes when they actually get a voice message from me in the dms. But that is one of my favorite places to actually connect with people. So yeah, so send me a message. I would love to, to chat.
- [46:55]
A
I love that. Okay, before I let you go, I would love to know are there like three things that you think everyone should do every day to maintain a home? Do you have like your, your like top. Your top. You should gotta do these things.
- [47:11]
B
Well, one is a load of laundry and so depending on the size of your family it may be more than one, so. But one load of laundry, whether, you know, it's one person's or a load of towels or sheets that day, whatever, one load of laundry. And then in the evening, I think it's imperative to put your kitchen to bed, is the term that I use. But basically, don't go to bed with all of the dishes in your sink and the counters all cluttered, because that just sets your day up to just not be in a good spot. You're going to feel so much better when you get up the next day. And then that leads into my third thing, which is run the dishwasher every night. And I don't care if it's not full every single night. And so it just becomes a habit that you get up in the morning and you empty that, you know, all those clean dishes out, and you have a spot right to put your dirty dishes away. So those are my three.
- [48:07]
A
I love it. Those are my three, too. Yeah. So good. Okay, thank you so much. I'm gonna pull it a link to all of your things that people can follow you in the show notes below. So make sure you check that. Thank you so much for joining us and thank you for listening my clutterbugs. I hope you're feeling motivated, and I hope you're proud of yourself for what you got done today. And I'll see you guys next time.