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Clutterbug - Real-Life Hacks and Tips to Declutter, Organize and Clean your Home Fast
The Emotional Reason You’re Holding On to Too Much Stuff | Clutterbug Podcast # 292
00:34:25
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Why are we so attached to our stuff? I get where we're attached to people. We have that codependency. We're really attached to our loved ones. But we also can be attached to inanimate objects, things that don't have feeling or necessarily aren't even sentimental. So why is it so hard to let go? Why did I hold onto that teddy bear from my daughter's first birthday that she didn't actually even like? I finally decluttered it, but it was tough. And I held on to so many things for so long because I felt genuinely attached to them. A couple of weeks ago, I recorded a podcast about the connection between our love language and our home. And it was probably one of my favorite podcast episodes ever. I just loved exploring that connection. Something that I really hadn't thought of before is how we express love, how we like to receive love, and how that translates to to our stuff and how we love our space. So I wanted to dig a little deep again and make other connections. When it comes to our brains and our space, it's more than just our brains. It's our relationships. Our relationships to our stuff and our home. So today we're going to dig deep into that. I don't know if you've ever heard of the different attachment styles, but I'm going to break them down today. There is the secure attachment style that, the avoidant attachment style, the anxious attachment style, and the disorganized. It's how we connect to the different relationships, to the different people we have in our lives or don't connect to them in some situations. But before I get into the attachment styles and break them all down and talk about how they can actually be helpful when it comes to managing and your relationship with your stuff, it is time to to declutter. My friends. I do not want you to just sit and watch or listen to this podcast. It is time to take action. I want you to get up and do something that is going to make your life better, that is going to make every day easier. We are going to spend 45 minutes to an hour together, and at the end of that, you're going to be so freaking proud of yourself. And it's the end of summer, it's starting to get cold. So here is what I definitely recommend. You need to go through your clothing. We are not making a huge pile of all your clothes because we just don't do that. I really want you to focus while you're listening on picking a few outfits, like putting together, just looking, holding them up, Some outfits that you can feel really confident in in the fall. And while you're doing this, you're going to come across those jeans that give you the muffin top or that sweater that just bunches on your arms. Those are toxic bullies. We're not putting them back in your closet. We are throwing them into the pile on the floor that's going to be donated or trashed, whatever you have the capacity for. Because we are not allowing these nasty clothes that only say mean things about you and your body to stay in your bedroom or stay in your closet. So with a fierce warriorness, go to your closet and let's pick some things you find beautiful and pick some things that are going to die. All right, so let's get into the different attachment styles. If you haven't heard of this before, this is the framework for how we establish bonds, really bonds and relationships to other human beings. We're going to start with the one that must be nice to have. I feel like a lot of people have this attachment style, and you would know because they are very secure with themselves. And this is where you are really pretty confident in your relationships. You're very secure in your connections with other people. So you're not jealous irrationally. You're not like, oh, they haven't texted me back. Do they not like me anymore? Like, you're not having any of that sort of. Yeah. Insecurity. When it comes to the relationship you are pretty confident in. You know that you love them and they love you, and everybody's just copacetic. Man, that must be nice to have a secure attachment. So you really handle conflicts well. You're not taking things personally. You're not getting, like, overly emotional. When there is a fight or a conflict, you are able to stay calm and really look at things rationally. If you have a secure attachment style, you can really rely on others. But you can also stay really independent. And you're able to ask for help without feeling shame or embarrassment. But you're also able to provide help and feel confident in your ability. Really, you're just, like, emotionally stable. Here's your gold star. Next, we're going to talk about anxious attachment style. This is kind of the opposite of secure. It's very insecure. So you're often worried, like, people are mad at you or they're not liking you. You feel like you want to be really close to someone. Anxious attachment also has, like, very heightened sensitivity to rejection. So even perceived rejection can feel like. Absolutely. The person hates you. They don't text you Back immediately. They left you on red, as my teens would say. Or, yeah, they're just. You feel like they're on their phone and they're not really paying attention to you. We can get really overly emotional about this and have that perceived rejection being very heightened. This can often show up as, like, constantly needing reassurance. You can also see with anxious attachment style that, that there's like a fear of abandonment, right? Or a fear of like, oh, yeah, everyone's going to leave me and I'm going to be alone. And this can even show up in other places in your workplace. You can see this like you don't want your boss to be upset or you feel like co workers don't like you or you've made a mistake. It can impact every aspect of your life with this nervous, anxious, insecure energy. The next attachment style is avoidant attachment style. And this is where I mean, just. It's in the name. It's avoiding close connections, it's avoiding intimacy, it's not wanting to be really emotional. It's really valuing independence, wanting alone time and keeping a little bit of distance, even in our close relationships. It doesn't mean that if you have avoidant attachment style that you don't love people. It's just you definitely want to protect yourself. You want to build kind of like this wall around you a little bit. So you're not going to openly cry in front of other people easily or express those deep emotions. You're going to keep them tight to your heart and you're probably not going to want to ask for help. I feel like maybe a lot of men are avoidant because they never want to ask directions. I digress. But yeah, it's like it's, you don't want to. Big boys don't cry. Also, women can have avoidant attachment style too. So on the outside, this really does look like a really strong, you know, independent person. But it can be a challenge in relationships because it's really hard to develop a real bond with someone, an emotional bond with someone who tucks those emotions away. It's hard for you to open up to a partner who doesn't open up to you. And last but not least, we have disorganized attachment style. This is a combination of avoidant and anxious kind of flip flop between both of those. It's also known as anxious avoidant attachment style, but we're going to call it disorganized for this podcast. It is the rarest attachment style. Only 10% of people are disorganized. Attachment style. But here's how it manifests. I know, because this is me. This is how it shows up sometimes. You're needy and you're like, pay attention to me. You don't love me. You don't want to be around me. You didn't respond to my call, hold my hand in the car. And then some days, don't touch me. Why are you talking to me? I want to be completely alone. It's like, I love you. Don't leave me. Go away. I love you. Don't leave me. Why are you here? Go away. I could see how it would be very confusing for people who do not have this to be in a relationship with someone who has this attachment style. And unfortunately, this is totally my attachment style. Joe used to say I was like an emotional roller coaster. I'm like, I love you so much. Get away from me. I love you so much. Get away from me. And he never knew which version of Cass he was gonna get. And this is because this is just. This is my attachment style in all its horrible glory. I mean, I made this attachment style seem terribly horrible, but the truth is, it kind of is. No makes relationships difficult because there is. It's hard to build trust with someone when you don't know how they're going to be responding to you or how they're going to be showing up with, like, the intimacy in the relationship and the connection in the relationship. It's like you're hot and you're cold. And what this inconsistency really stems from unresolved trauma. And it can create issues when it comes to intimacy with partners. There's also an issue with establishing reliable support systems. So in summary, your attachment style is how you perceive yourself and how you interact with the world around you. It shapes, really how we deal with everything. It shapes how we deal with our day to day, how we talk to our mom, our spouse, how we are at work, maybe even the job that you choose. All of these things can be heavily influenced by your attachment style. It can literally shape your life and the trajectory, trajectory, trajectory to. And the path that you're on also. Are these attachment styles fixable? Can we all become secure? Now let's get to the good stuff, where we talk about how your attachment style style relates to your home and your stuff and your possessions. We're going to talk about Dr. Russell Belk. He wrote this essay on how your possessions are an extension of yourself. We've talked a lot about identity clutter, but how your things really are more than just inanimate. Objects, they can be an extension of one's self. And so how, if it's an extension of yourself and it's. You have a real relationship with it, how is your attachment style interacting? Like, where's that connection and how can that manifest maybe into clutter or issues that you have with letting go? Our emotional attachments to things and stuff can really mirror the attachment that we have to other people. This is also very interesting. Clinical psychologist Randy Frost talked about the connection between your attachment style, specifically the insecure attachment style of avoidant or anxious, and how that can lead to an extreme attachment to stuff. He studies hoarding disorders and he was able to make this connection between most people who struggle to let go or have hoarding disorder actually have anxious or disorganized attachment style. He suggested that belongings offer comfort, that they offer a form of support that they would otherwise have with human beings if they had close relationships like that. So, like, in absence of having those type of secure, comfortable relationships, it's translating to that same connection with belongings in inanimate objects. Okay, so let's break down each of the styles and how it really translates to your relationship with stuff, starting with secure. If you have secure attachment style, you are pretty secure with your relations with your stuff. You have that beautiful balance between the things that are really special that you want to hold on to, but you're also able to confidently identify that, you know what, I can still keep the memory, but I don't need the physical belonging. You don't feel that anxiety about missing out or what if, or I'm going to forget about it. You're really pretty confident in your own decision making and your independence. But there are still things that are special to you too, and you're able to identify those and appreciate, appreciate and love those items and want to keep them. I think you're trusting that you're going to continue to make great memories in the future too, that you have relationships with people and you're going to go places and you're going to do things and you're going to acquire new memories coming in. You really trust that you're in a secure place, not only with your things, but with the. Your loved ones as well. So there isn't that fear of, oh, no, what if I never do this again? Or what if I never see this again? Or what if I can never have this again? You really are truly trusting and confident. This makes it really easy to let go because you don't. You're not stuck in that scarcity cycle. You're not stuck in that anxious energy cycle, or what if. If I make a mistake? You really trust yourself. And even though this is not my attachment style, I do feel when it comes to my home and decluttering, I've built up my muscle enough that I actually am really secure now in making decisions of things that stay and go. I've. Through practice, I guess, exposure therapy, I've proven to myself that I can trust myself to make the good decisions. And I've proven to myself that even though I've let go of this, new amazing things and memories are still coming, and I still remember the old ones too, without having the items. So I think, man, this is a place that even if you're not here, you can get to when it comes to your attachment style. I want to. I want this attachment style. Now let's talk about anxious attachment style and how that can really manifest into clutter. If I'm being honest, it's. It can manifest into clutter in your home because you are seeing the items, the physical items as comfort. You're seeing them as the representation of that somebody loves you, they gave you these gifts, or you spent time with loved one, and you're seeing your things as kind of reinforcement for those relationships, reinforcements of your happiness, reinforcements of all the feelings and all the emotions. And you become, yeah, it can feel really anxious to let them go. Just like when you're in a relationship with someone and they're not texting you back, you're like, what if they don't love me anymore? You can have that same reaction to your physical things. Like, what if I. What if I. What if I need that one day? Or what if I forget that memory entirely? Or what if the person who gave this to me thinks I don't love them because I decluttered the thing? There's all this. This anxious energy attached to not only the relationships, but our stuff. And I even think it can go a step further beyond just an item that's attached to another human, but an item that made us feel a certain way at one point. So you bottle the yarn and you were proud of yourself and you were going to be a knitter or a crocheter, and now it feels like you're letting go of that part of yourself too. Right? When we talk about identity clutter, it's like, I don't want to let that go. I don't want to let that version of me or that vision I had for myself go. All of it is just layered and layered under insecurity. Oftentimes anxious avoidant styles will tell me I'm just sentimental. I'm sentimental. I'm so everything is special and it's all about the memories. And yeah, it can be confusing of what is actually special in what isn't. When we're stuck in this anxious cycle, something that is helpful is taking a picture, right? Do I need to keep the item or can I take a picture to keep the picture to remind myself of that memory? But also just having the self awareness to realize like this is the emotional stuff that's going on that we've attached emotional purpose and meaning to inanimate objects because we've probably had some sort of past trauma or something taken from us. I see this quite often with people who had a loss, either a divorce or a fire or a. A breakup in a relationship where half the things were taken from or even extreme financial instability too, or emotional instability with loved ones or parents growing up. All of this anxiousness can kind of be put on our belongings to. Now let's talk about avoidant attachment style. I have a loved one who has this and I see this in. They're fiercely independent, but also not really sentimental because they don't allow themselves to feel those deep emotions and that deep intimacy. They're not putting any of those deep emotions or intimacy or connections onto the physical belongings either. So they're not attached to the stuff because to them it doesn't invoke that emotional feeling because they don't allow themselves to feel that emotional connection and feeling. So it, it can look like, oh yeah, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go. And they don't really want to keep anything. Or if you have a spouse that is like this, they're not really understanding of your emotional connections to thing even really special memories or things from your children's childhood like the little bracelet or the outfit they wore home from the hospital. All of those things can seem silly and inconsequential to an avoidant attachment style because they just don't have that same feeling to stuff. I don't think that that lack of connection to the stuff means that you don't have clutter, you don't have mess. In fact, I think in some cases it can actually lead to clutter and mess because there is this disconnect between your stuff or even your home. And so it's, it's not really a priority. It's like, meh, it doesn't matter. It's just stuff. Who cares? It doesn't matter if things are messy. It doesn't matter if things are cluttered. It doesn't. It's not like tied to happiness or joy in any way. So whatever. It's kind of like a meh when it comes to everything, I think in life. But it can translate. Yeah. To the piles and the clutter for sure. When I think of the people that I know, who I'm pretty sure, I mean, I'm not like a, a psychologist or anything, but I like to diagnose people. I have issues. I know some people who I think have avoidant attachment. What I find really fascinating is they're not even like decorating their home. Like they're, you can tell the whole home feels very unloved because again, they're fiercely independent and they're not having, they're not making these intimate connections with other human beings on this deep level. So of course they're not going to make that deep connection to their home either. Or it's not natural. Like it's just not a natural thing that they think to do. Maybe they're doing it because they know they should. But again, it, it's a struggle to form that bond, really, that bond with your home and with your stuff. I think something that can also happen with avoidant attachment style is. I mean, emotional connection to other human beings can be scary. And it can feel like, oh, I'm going to get hurt or I just, I got to build up my wall. But you can sort of fake that emotional connection with objects and that's not scary. An object's never going to disappoint or hurt you. It's always going to be there. So maybe if you have an avoidant attachment style, you can kind of put that love and that comfort on the stuff so that you don't have to connect it to another human being. And it can lead to clutter as well. I think the coolest thing about all of this is your attachment style is not set in stone. And while I usually talk about like we put people into categories or I love these personality tests and I say, you know, embrace you are who you are in this case, we can all strive to be something different. We can actually work towards having a secure attachment style. And you can take a free quiz and find out your attachment style, I'll put a link to that down below. And there's lots of different therapies that specifically help with this type of attachment disorders that you may have. But honestly, what I've found is helpful is just having the self awareness to begin with. In my own life, I had to really. I definitely had therapists but even outside of that I took the time to ask why. Why is it so hard to let go of my children's items? Well, probably because my mom never held onto anything of mine at all, right. So I felt like, I felt like not holding on to childhood items was like a way that I wasn't loved. So therefore I had to hold on to all of my kids things to prove that I love them. Like when you, when I say it out loud it seemed nutso but so but when I was in it, I didn't see that connection. I kind of had to zoom out and, and really be aware of it and then push through the uncomfortable, push through the anxiety and say listen, one bin is enough. They don't need more than that. And let's pick the best of the best. Let's take photos and I'm still a good mother without keeping everything from my children's childhood. My stuff is not part of myself. It is just physical things. It is not an extension of my love or an extension of my identity. It is just stuff. And this practice is, was helpful and I feel like I've definitely when it comes to decluttering in my things, I have graduated to secure in my relationship. I'm working on it but again it's that self awareness. So realizing when I'm rational and verbalizing it, I will say to Joe, I don't know why but I'm feeling really needy right now and I'm feeling like a crazy person. I just need you to tell me that you love me and that I'm pretty and that I'm the most specialist human in the whole world. And I know it's silly but I need this right now. And being able to verbalize that and say like I need attention and I and I'm sorry and it's crazy pants but just smother me right now. Instead of me getting upset and being anxious and checking his phone to see if he's talking to some weird girl like you know what I mean? Like I don't we. I don't go down crazy path town now I just use my big girl words. Is that am I secure? No, I'm still disorganized but I'm working on it. Friends and you can too. So whether your attachment style is secure, anxious, avoidant or disorganized, it really comes down to having the self awareness and the self love to making our home a priority. To be able to say the only thing that really matters isn't the shame, isn't the guilt isn't the pressure we're putting on ourselves. The only thing that really matters is that we have a home that's surrounded by things we love and things that we use and make our life easier that, that complement our life that don't. Doesn't feel like another chore. And even though your stuff and the clutter in the piles might make you feel comfortable, it's making your life uncomfortable. No matter what your attachment style is, it isn't about judgment. Decluttering your space is about finding more time for the things that matter. Now it's time for my favorite part of the podcast, which is talk to Cass. And we're starting with Amanda. She has a question.
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Hi Cass, this is Amanda. I had a question about a very large task that I have to do this year and I would like some advice on how to go about this or get started because it's so huge. But I have to move in with my fiance and we're not 20 year olds moving in with the couch we find on the side of the road and our backpacks of clothes. We're in our 40s and we both have full houses with kids and we need to declutter and I don't know how to get started decluttering my house and decluttering his house and fitting my stuff into his stuff and it just seems impossible. So any suggestions or advice you could give me that would be great.
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Thank you, Amanda. Congratulations. This is exciting. I could see why it could also be really stressful. So my advice to you, this is what I would do. I would go around your own home and identify the things that are truly the most specialist list you can imagine not bringing with you and make an actual list and even, you know, note the general size of it. If it was like I couldn't imagine not having an entire closet for craft supplies or I couldn't imagine not having all of my baking supplies in my KitchenAid mixer. When you have a real concrete list of the, the activities that you want to do in like the, the big categories that require space, then go to his house and together make note of where those could live. So if you are like, I need to have baking supplies and I need my stand mixer and I need all of this, go into the kitchen and say, this would be great to have this section here for my stuff. What can leave to accommodate that? Right? And so just saying like, you have to declutter and I have to declutter both 50% is not really helpful. What's helpful is for you to identify your needs, going in for specific space around activities and for him to identify then what can leave to make way for those needs. It's going to make it a lot easier for him if he also knows what he's decluttering for. He's decluttering his closet so you can have half. He's decluttering parts of the kitchen so you can bake. He's decluttering parts of the spare bedroom so that you can have a crafting zone that's going to be more effective for both of you. So it starts with you with a piece of paper and a plan in your home, and then both of you together going over that plan and coming up with solutions in his house. And then both of you declutter to make it happen. Now we're going to hear from Holly.
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Hi, Cass. My name is Holly and I'm from the States. And I really appreciate all the help that I have gotten from you. Encouragement and little, little tricks. And to have a cleaner home, which my home is pretty clean except for what I call my project room. I'm a crafter, sewer, etc. And I have this cutting table that tends to be the landing spot for everything and anything. Not even, I mean, it could be, not even craft related. Do you have any tips or ideas of how I can keep that clean so I can actually use it for what it's for? I appreciate that. Thank you.
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I do have tips. Holly, I love this. You have a hotspot and because probably, you know, company's not going to see it. So this is where you're stashing things and now you have like this doom area. What's really cool is most of the things that you're going to be just setting down here are what I call homeless clutter. And that means these things don't have an easy, fast place to go. So maybe it does have a home, but it's like all the way far away and you use it often, so you're just putting it here. Or perhaps it doesn't actually have a home at all. So the solution is pretty simple in that every week I want you to set a date with yourself to tackle this hotspot, go to it and just pick a few things and find homes for them. If you're like, I have no idea where this home should be and I don't even really use this thing. The home is the declutter pile. The home is either the trash bag or it's leaving your house forever. But if it is something you want to keep where would you look for it first and take it there immediately. This is called the no mess method from Dana K. White. If you get to that spot and it is full of, you're going to trade it for something else that can be decluttered in order to make room for this. We are not organizing, we are not sorting. We are just finding easy, good enough homes for the things that you tend to just pile because putting them away is like impossible if it doesn't have in a way to go. And last we have Katherine.
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Hi, Cass, it's Katherine. You probably know or you may know which Catherine I am because I know I'm all over your socials because you have changed my life in such a huge way in the last, what, four years? But I wanted to tell you a decluttering dinosaurs story. So my parents are getting ready to move internationally. They just sold their three story with a full basement house that they lived in for 24 years, which meant they had to go through all the doom boxes and all the childhood stuff and every single thing and decide where it was going. And a lot ended up coming to my sister and I and some of the things that my sister and I found that made me laugh. Particular dinosaur. My mom gave me a big tote full of candles and I went through it and as I was looking I went, these are used. They literally the wicks had been burnt, some of them were like half done. And yet rather than putting it in the trash, she put it in a bin and brought it to seven hours down in a trailer and gave it to me, who then immediately put it in the trash because I don't need half used candles. Other things included like every single little like scribbled piece of art that we made. Just tons of stuff that both my sister and I ended up just throwing away or donating. But I thought the candles in particular were really funny. Thank you, thank you, thank you for everything you teach and you do. This butterfly appreciates you more than you know. Because when I first found you in 2021 going through a divorce, I literally said, how is this lady in Canada on the Internet inside my brain. And I felt seen for the first time. You as well as Dana from a Slob Comes Clean have completely changed my life. So thank you so much.
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Thank you, Katherine. I actually love that you shared that. This is something we need to talk more about. I know it's a good jar, friends. You're never gonna melt the wax out and put something else in the jar. And no, you're not gonna Make a new candle or wax me out of those old candles. Let's all take a lesson from Catherine and throw out the, the candles. The, the burnt out candles today. That's one thing we could declutter right now. It takes five minutes. Do it. Go around. Throw them in the trash. Don't put them in a bin for your kid to have 20 years from now. That is weird. If you've been listening to my podcast, you know that a lot of the questions that come in for talk to Cast are about combining different organizing styles in one space or when lots of family members organized differently. How do you make the house work? Well, you're definitely going to want to check out tomorrow's YouTube video where I break down exactly what to do. And I'm going to show you my new kitchen. I'm so excited. That is organized for multiple organizing styles with real life, easy hacks and tips that you can do in your own home too. So make sure you check out that video tomorrow on my YouTube channel. I hope you're proud of yourself and whatever you accomplished today. If you were in doing your clothing, I hope you found an outfit that's going to make you, you feel amazing this fall and that you also found some things to leave. Because everything that leaves your closet, everything that leaves your home makes your life easier. It's one less decision you have to make. It's one less thing you have to remember you own. It's one less thing you have to clean and take care of. And you, my friend, deserve an easier, peaceful, simplified life. I am so proud of you. I hope you're proud of yourself and we'll see you guys next time.