Bella Lalo (15:23)
So this can lead to a real, you know, many, many, many, many recurring occurrences of being told by teachers, family, friends, coaches, anything like that, that we're doing something wrong or that the way, in some way, the way that we are is not correct. And this can really lead to, especially over a significant amount of time, starting from a young age, can lead to an internalized sense of shame. And this can also lead to us to eventually stop trusting our internal sense of who we are and who we want to be. And because if we are constantly receiving the message that that's not quite right or that's wrong, we will and without any other context to know why, we may start to just accept the story of, well, who I am is not right and I have to figure out how to be right. But clearly it is not what naturally comes to me that is correct. Without that internalized sense of self and being able to trust that, what we're left with is to search to others for answers. And so this can lead to what, you know, as, as Camden spoke about in the introduction, what many people call masking. So masking can take many forms, but in particular, the type of masking that I'm going to be discussing here is masking as a neurotypical person. So in that sense, it is the process in which we as ADHDers can start to look to those external cues of like, what is the correct behavior or how we're quote, unquote supposed to be. We can look to other people, maybe peers or figures in the media or role models to see how you're supposed to act in certain situations. We can also be very sensitive to the praise that we might get if we do act in that certain way. And we can learn essentially how to act in the ways that are accepted. And we can do with a lot of emotional labor and behind the scenes work. Many ADHDers find that they're able to Figure out what it looks like to be a neurotypical person and are able to be that person, despite the fact that takes a huge amount of effort. And it is really just in many ways not who they are. Especially going through life when this begins at such a young age, it can be really difficult to recognize that this is happening. And so it may, you know, and also, as we grow up, it is pretty normal for everyone, especially through the, you know, adolescent and teenage years, to be working on understanding oneself and who you are and coming to understand your identity. So it can seem to us that this is just what everyone else is going through. And maybe it's just exactly like this for them, even though most likely it's probably not. But we'd have no way of really knowing that, which is why I think it's so powerful to hear the lived experiences of other adhders. This type of masking can really lead to some serious internalized shame. And especially if we're told that our behavior is something that is wrong or something that needs to be fixed, and when the way that we naturally are is not correct, we can just internalize that. That's something inherent about us. And, you know, some. That dynamic can kind of spring from where we. We are often. And maybe this is not even intentional, but we're given that message to go back to. I'm trying to pay attention, but I'm doodling on the paper, I'm fidgeting with my pencil, and I'm told that that's not the right way to do it. And so I internalize that something about me is wrong and that is shameful and that there is a better way to do it. And I have to try to do that regardless of the fact that it was not my intent to not pay attention. In fact, I'm trying my best to pay attention in a way that works for me. But because it may look to most people as though it's the opposite of that, it will. What works for me will be shamed. And so especially absent of any of this knowledge, I will just stop doing it to my detriment. Because now the way that I have of paying attention just really doesn't work. Sometimes this internalized shame can be so severe that we can learn to keep this mask on even when no one is around. And I'm going to share an example of this that happened in my own life where, you know, I guess it's about two years ago now, I moved into my own place, and with that was a great opportunity to really start to Explore who I am. But I was at the very beginnings of this process. And for years and years and years, I had a certain friend who just say that he was a health nut and he was very concerned with the contents of food and the chemicals in food and the various components of that. And not to say that there's no value in that, but he was extremely concerned about this, not just for himself, but for other people around him. And so up until that point, I had had an interesting experience because at home, with my family or with other friends, I really enjoyed diet soda. Not all the time, but I just like to drink it. But this friend thought that diet soda was really bad for me, was going to kill me, kill him if we had too much of it. And essentially it was shameful to like it. And I internalized that message. And what was so confusing for me was that even though I knew that I liked diet soda, when I was with other people, I knew that this friend would be over my house every Friday. And so I knew that every Friday I had to make sure I did not have any diet soda in my fridge. Because in case when he was over and he opened the fridge, he would see it there and then that would be shameful for me. Now, that was a moment that until I was able to recognize this, I had no idea that I was carrying this around, this would happen. Notice what was absent in the story. He never said anything to me. He wasn't even present for me, deciding that I couldn't have this diet soda around in my house. But I kept this mask on even when no one was around because I had internalized it so much. Sometimes this can also come from what I've seen called she messaging or he messaging or they messaging. This is a concept from a great book that I highly recommend called A Radical Guide to Acceptance of ADHD for Women by Sari Solven and Michelle Frank. And this concept I will just use. The concept of she messaging is essentially a way in which we can internalize shame or internalize which are the correct behaviors from indirect messaging. So, for example, let's say that a friend of mine is talking about someone else, let's say a girl from school that he knew. And he comments about how her social media posts seem to be attention seeking. And he says that in a certain kind of shameful way, as if there's something wrong with it. Now, despite the fact that he wasn't shaming me and it had nothing to do with me, because I had heard that judgment and because I'm kind of Primed to not trust my own sense of self. If I being exposed to that type of messaging enough, I can absorb and internalize that she messaging, even though it was never directed at me, and start to think, you know, adopt those own judgments about ourself and others because we are so primed to look outward for what is the right way to be. And so this overall can lead to a lack of self trust, a lack of self worth, and in many ways, just in general, learning how to suppress and ignore the parts of us that tell us how we do want to be and that tell us that these things aren't right. And we may not come to value our own needs and we may lose our own sense of self. And there's another component of this, is that we can have a tendency, because we are looking towards the external, to tell us what is the right way to be. We can have a tendency towards relationships, whether that is romantic or friendship relationship or mentorship relationship, with people who have strong personalities who are happy to tell us what to do and who to be. Sometimes this can be really malicious and abusive, and sometimes this can just be unintentional to someone who maybe has strong opinions and is not trying to sway us, but may really, without even realizing it, just be rubbing off on us in that huge way. And so it's something that I've come to understand that as I have learned about this internalization, I've realized that as a tendency that I had to look for relationships with these people who would tell me how to be and who would reward me with what seemed like safety in the relationship for acting the way they wanted. And so because this process just happens to us so young, we may not even realize that this is what is happening. It may just manifest as that sense of disconnect, that sense of powerlessness, that sense of not really being able to understand what we like or dislike, whether it's something big, like what career would I like, or what would I like my goals to be, or something small. I remember once saying to my therapist a few years ago, you know, I don't even know how to know what my favorite ice cream flavor is. If you ask me, do I want vanilla or chocolate, I don't know the answer, and I don't even know how to know. And so when we are that disconnected and we've learned to look at that, look for all of those answers externally, it can be quite a challenge to dig out of that, and especially when we're now going to bring in the intersection with LGBTQ identities. When we are looking externally to see, quote, unquote, how we are supposed to be, it can be, of course, we can look at what's called the concept of heteronormativity, which is just the assumption that is not necessarily malicious. But if we just look around us, there's this, you know, in most of the media that we see, most of the places we are presented with, sometimes just subtly in the language that is used, we see people in heterosexual relationships. We see that as normalized. And when. And we don't necessarily see those. Any of the other options for how someone could be, whether that means that they are gay or bisexual or pansexual or asexual or aromantic, and any of those things are not really, because they are not. When we look outward to see what is normal or correct and we don't see those things, it can make it even harder to identify those aspects of ourselves as well. So the ADHD masking can sit on top of those identities. And I think this can apply especially so to gender identity, because there is just. That is one that is so, so, so strongly. There's so many components from birth of external forces placing gender roles and gender expectations on people. And so it can be. When you are at that place where you are questioning, what type of ice cream flavor do I like? It can be extremely, extremely far from questioning what type of romantic partner am I interested in? Or, you know, when I was born, I was told that I was a man. But is that true? That can be extremely far away from, you know, and it can seem like something that we don't even know that we should be asking about. And from my experience, I was exposed to a lot of those, you know, types of media that did give great representation to LGBTQ people. I knew many gay people. I knew some trans people, and I still was not able to make that connection because I was not able to have those skills of trusting myself and my own emotions and what felt right for me because I had so learned how to suppress those things. And so from there, what I would like to do now is move on to now that we know what masking is like and how we can lose our authentic self. Now I want to talk about how we can find our authentic self. And the first thing I'd like to do is just take a quick sip of water, And I'm going to talk about the process of. These are just some examples of ways that we can recognize these things in ourselves, that we can see how this is happening, we can accept how this is happening, we can seek support for this so that we can learn how to trust ourselves to stop looking externally for who we're supposed to be and to start really learning who our authentic self is, which can be really difficult coming from that place of being so far away from it. And it can be such a scary process to embark on. Of course, given that this is such a serious journey, it is a multifaceted process. The first part that I would like to talk about is that is kind of how this began to happen for me. And it was not simple as you could imagine. And you know, looking back now, I can kind of give a quick summary of all of the things I learned about myself, but like to share just for context, for anyone listening, that this is a process that I find myself is currently ongoing. I'm discovering new things all the time. But to get from that beginning stage of even recognizing any of this to where I am now, it's been five plus years. This is certainly not easy or simple. But what can happen is we can start small. And as we start small, we can build up some momentum. From when I learned about my adhd, it was really the starting point for me, really the inflection point. If I had not found that, I don't know if any of these other things would have been able to come into focus. That doesn't necessarily mean that's going to be the inflection point for everyone, but oftentimes there can be just one piece of awareness and paying attention to that can be get more and more and more and more. One of the great advantages that we have as ADHDers is that we tend to be, especially when it comes to these questions of why is life so hard? Or why do I feel different? Or why does my experience just seem off compared to what other people describe. Many of us can be voracious researchers when it comes to that. So I would encourage you, if you find anything that feels right for you, to follow that passion that we might have and really dig into it. Because that was what really enabled me and many others that I know to make that first step and get that first foothold into exploring this, these, these aspects of self. So if we're going to go back to that example of the diet soda, that was something that I found out relatively early on in my journey and that was something that I learned, you know, with the help of a coach and a therapist and my family. And it was not something that came easy. And when we look, it's easy for me to look back now and say, oh, well, it's just a soda in the refrigerator. It's not a big deal. But at the time, it felt like a huge deal. It felt that shame that was internalized that we discussed. That is really heavy. And despite the fact that, you know, it's easy to think, oh, well, just having some sodas around is a small thing. That shame that's attached to it can make such a small thing, seemingly small thing, actually a very big thing. And so it was noticing that disparity between, you know, when I'm with certain people, I really like diet soda and can enjoy it from time to time. And then when I'm with other people, especially that one friend, I really. I feel the need to hide it, and it feels bad. And it was that contrast of emotion that my coach picked up on and we started exploring. And I'm really grateful for that because she did not approach it with any assumptions. She did not approach it with the assumption that I was wrong. Maybe it was totally possible that there was a reason that I wanted to be one way in one situation and one way in another. But she did approach it with curiosity, which I think is a really important state to look at this from. Curiosity can allow a sense of neutrality that can help us get out of some of those really big emotions, especially in the beginning. The fact that that came from an external observer made it much easier because she was able to notice that contrast. When she asked me about that, she started exploring, what does it feel like when I have diet soda when I'm not around that trend? She asked me to think about that, and not just in that moment on that coaching call to think about it, but to actually put myself in that situation the next time I could and get a diet soda with someone and see how it feels. And then to also try to be aware of what it's like when the judgmental friend is around and about diet soda in that moment and to start to see how that feels. And she was able to help me start to identify what those emotions were, what those feelings were, and what I realized through that process was that those emotions were actually the answer to that question that I had been asking my therapist for so long. So when I asked, how do I even know if I like vanilla or chocolate ice cream? I have no idea how to even know that. The reason I didn't know how to know that was because I had shut off listening to these emotions as a result of all of that internalized shame, all of that she messaging, all of that masking that I had done all of that looking externally. In order to do that, it requires not examining, not looking at, not feeling any of those emotions, which in many cases can really just be our brain and our body telling us what we like, what our preferences are. And so when I paid attention to the diet soda, I learned, you know, I actually really enjoy this. And I learned I don't think it's shameful. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Sure, I learned I probably don't want to drink it all the time as the only thing I drink. I don't think that would be healthy, but I don't think it's a problem to drink it. I don't think it's a problem to have it around. In fact, I kind of enjoy it from time to time. And seeing that contrast when I was with people who did not have shame about that particular thing versus the person who did carry that shame and judgment made me realize, oh, that's not my voice. When I'd say, diet soda is bad, that's my friend's voice. And then that was what really. Let me see. Oh, wow. I do know what I like here. I do know that I like diet soda. The thing that I don't like is feeling shame. And what I'm really scared of is what it would be like to experience the judgment of that friend if he were to see it in my house. Now, whether or not he would actually say anything is another story. But that was just kind of what my brain had kind of told me. And so that's an example of how with something that is in the big scheme of things, relatively small, I was able to notice what it was like to see how I really want to be and to see what those stories that are layered on top from the internalized shame and from the masking could be, and how to look at those answers that my body and my brain and my emotions will naturally give me. And also, it came with that process, not just of awareness, but also of trial and error. And so as I started to learn how to. And especially with the help of this coach, and then through understanding this process, I was able to do it with myself and also explore this with some of my friends who were supportive process of trial and error, of listening to that natural reaction in my body that tells me how I feel about something in really small ways. Well, how do I know whether I like vanilla or chocolate ice cream? Well, next time I have the opportunity to get ice cream, I'm going to order one and I'm going to Pay attention to that little piece inside of me that tells me, oh, wow, I think you really like vanilla better. And sometimes that can be something that's really, really loud. If you get. Let's say I got a flavor I really didn't like and it was gross, that might be much easier to notice. But personally, I'd probably rate vanilla at 8 and chocolate at 5. So neither of them are bad. Neither of them are the best. So there's not going to be a super strong emotion telling me that. But as I was able to get more in tune with that, I was able to just realize, like, oh, well, it's not as strong, so it's not as easy to notice as maybe that huge sense of shame that I carried with the diet soda, but it's still there. And through building that awareness and paying attention, I was able to really come to be able to answer that question of what do I like? What would I want to do when I say yes to something or when I say no to something? Paying attention to what that feels like, when I decide how I want to spend my time and realizing that, you know, peer pressure or internalized shame or masking or those various elements at play, especially when they've gone on for so long, they don't. You don't need to have other people there explicitly saying judgmental things for you to be carrying out that judgment on yourself through that process of internalization. So gradually through this process, I learned how to identify what I liked and disliked or what I wanted to do or what I didn't want to do. And I learned to kind of gradually sort out what were my own thoughts and my own feelings, my own values, and which were those from others that I internalized. And I'd realized sometimes some of the things I internalized I actually agreed with and I liked to keep. Some of them I just wanted to completely throw out, and some of them I wasn't sure and needed some more work. But the important thing was this allowed me to put my own sense of self, my own agency and my own value in the equation and started to undo all of that work that had been done to shame myself and force myself into fitting into a neurotypical world or what I expected that was supposed to look like. And to go from that sense of, there's something fundamentally wrong about me and I need to fix it, and I need to constantly be working to fix it. And that is shameful to know I am different in some ways, but that is not worse or better. It just is. And I can still value myself from that standpoint. And I can. What I feel and what I have to say and what I think and what my values are are worthwhile. Now, of course, this. Over time, this went from small things like ice cream flavors or diet soda, and it went up to larger things. It turned into evaluating some of my relationships. I realized that some of the relationships that had really piled on a lot of this shame were not ones that I necessarily wanted to invest in in the way that I had. I realized that tendency I spoke about earlier to look for people who have strong opinions who will tell us who we should be or how to do it right, that maybe that served me when I was younger, but that now that I'm able to identify who I'd like to be, that that doesn't really serve that function. And not that I necessarily needed to cut all of these relationships out or change all of them, but. But I was able to evaluate them through the same process that I used to decide about the ice cream and decide how I felt about them, and that I didn't have to come to some huge black and white answer right away of I like vanilla ice cream. I was able to try that trial and error experience and see what it was like to start to set some small boundaries, start to reevaluate what activities I wanted to say yes to. And then gradually I was able to build up some momentum through this process, and I was able to find more and more and more of these inflection points where I had the possibility to make decisions or to put myself in the equation. This is what really gives that sense of agency and power over your life. Now, it can start at the smallest thing with that diet soda. But this can lead to, especially as we are able to explore these things and do that trial and error process, it can release a lot of that shame over time. Accept and grieve for a lot of those experiences that we had in the past and look at them with empathy rather than with shame. I was able to start to look at. Use the same process to look at bigger and bigger things, like, do I like where I live? Do I enjoy these friendships? Do I like the career path that I'm on? And then eventually I was told I was born a man. Is that true? And I was able to kind of use that same tool that I used to decide about how I felt about diet soda and what was from me and what was from the outside, and was able to then say, well, you know what? We're going to go through that process of trial and error. And I'm going to start small and I'm going to start doing tiny pieces of exploring my gender, my gender expression, ranging from things like how I did my hair, how I styled my clothes, or asking some safe people to try to call me different names or see how those things felt. And was able to trust that if something felt good that I should continue trying to keep doing it and see if it keeps feeling good. And if something didn't feel good, that I didn't have to do it. And I was able to use that same process for something as large as that real, those real questions of who am I? And you know, in terms of am I a man, am I a woman? And in terms of also when it came to sexuality, who am I attracted to? And that helped me to really understand through that very same lens, using those same skills, I built that that was how I was able to trust myself to go through that process and know that I was making a decision that was aligned with who I am, what my values are and, and what felt right. And so with that ability to see who I want to be, what feels right, trusting that if I'm in a situation that I will be able to know what feels right, but I don't have to look externally to tell me who I should be, how I should act. I was no longer just living moment to moment. I was no longer just trying to get through one day at a time, trying to sort through a particular situation. But I was actually able to find those inflection points where I could insert myself into my own life and start to see my own future. And this led me to be able to ask even bigger, bigger questions like how do I envision that future? How does the cross section of my gender identity and my homosexuality and my desire to be an entrepreneur, like, how can I make all of those things work together and what does that look like? Excuse me. And with that in mind, how can I evaluate whether the decisions I'm making are working towards that future? And again, this was able to make, build up more and more and more momentum. And as these things fell into place, it released so much behind the scenes mental load that I had spent with this masking that was just getting smaller and smaller and smaller. And it gave me so much more capacity to actually focus on doing the things I wanted to do, who I wanted to be, and that everything felt nearly as difficult. And so, you know, of course this is kind of looking back in hindsight. So of course over this process I had to accept that sometimes this will seem to go really, really well. Sometimes this will feel really difficult, but that and that especially at times of these bigger questions, that it may feel strange to trust ourselves. It may feel strange to not be constantly searching for an answer. If we spend our whole lives feeling as though we don't know something about ourselves, or we don't know how to be a certain way, or that we have to constantly juggle prioritizing this and then let these other two things go to the wayside and then shift those priorities to kind of catch them all and put out fires, it can feel strange to not be acting in that urgency or searching for those answers. And that's something to accept that. And that's kind of the journey that I'm on now is accepting that, wow, all of this work now has a payoff. And I don't. But it still feels strange because of that habit of constantly doing all of that work has become easier. And now I have all this excess capacity. And I would like to figure out how to keep growing and accepting that there will continue. Almost every day I find more and more layers to this process, and I'm sure that I will keep finding more and more. And so that brings me to the end here. I really hope that this was helpful. I hope that illustrating the way that ADHD kind of impacted my ability to understand myself, caused me to adapt behaviors from others and look externally and internalize feelings of shame and unworthiness, and also the process of how we can do a lot of hard work, a lot of support, learn to undo that and hope that this was helpful. And I hope that this in some way can apply to all of you. And if you. I'd love to. If anyone has any questions or comments, I would love to answer. And yeah, thank you so much. And with that, I'm going to turn it back to Camden.
