Coaching for Leaders, Episode 756: When It Feels Like You Don’t Belong, with Muriel Wilkins

Episode Overview

In this episode, host Dave Stachowiak is joined by Muriel Wilkins—executive coach, author of Leadership Breakthrough, and host of the Harvard Business Review podcast Coaching Real Leaders. Together, they engage in a thoughtful exploration of what it feels like not to belong as a leader, why these feelings arise, and practical approaches for reframing and overcoming the “I don’t belong here” narrative. Their conversation offers actionable insights for leaders at all levels, with a particular focus on internal dynamics, systemic barriers, and how to reclaim your power and value.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Prevalence of Not Belonging in Leadership Roles

• Feeling Disconnected Is Common
  • Both Dave and Muriel emphasize how universal the experience of not belonging is in leadership.
  • “It's such a common and normal thing for leaders to run into. And the question is, when we do run into it, how do we handle it in a way that's effective for us and the people around us that we're working to support?” — Dave [02:04]

2. Typical Scenarios Where Not Belonging Emerges

• Two Main Contexts ([03:02])
  • Transitions & Stretch Assignments: When a leader moves into a new or more challenging role.
  • Being “The Only” in a Room: Particularly salient for underrepresented groups (e.g., women, people of color) who don’t see themselves reflected at their level.
• Symptoms & Behavioral Responses:
  • Feeling excluded/disconnected from peers.
  • Becoming overly deferential, disengaged, or sometimes overcompensating by pushing too hard.

Quote:
“The big sign of feeling like you don't belong is you feel disconnected, right? You feel disconnected from your peers... the way I see it is feeling disconnected from peers, feeling excluded from discussions. And then the action or the behavior that ends up happening is that you then disengage... or you overcompensate and try to push your way through.” — Muriel [04:40]

3. The Vicious Cycle and Internal Narrative

• Mutual Waiting and Disengagement ([05:46])
  • Leaders wait to be included; others wait for the leader to contribute, creating a feedback loop.
• Role of Internal Narrative:
  • The feeling of not belonging is driven by a belief—a story you’ve internalized—often reinforced by systemic factors, but also by individual thought patterns.

Quote:
“If the way you're thinking about it reinforces the sense of not belonging, then guess what you're going to do? You're going to behave in a way that actually makes you feel even more and more disconnected.” — Muriel [06:24]

4. Power Over the Narrative

• Focusing on What’s Within Your Control ([07:20])
  • Leaders often can’t change the external environment, but can decide how they interpret and respond to it.
  • Choosing a perspective that is empowering, not diminishing.

5. Systemic Exclusion vs. Internalization

• Acknowledge Reality, Choose Your Response ([08:24])
  • Muriel underscores that exclusion, bias, and “-isms” are real—leaders shouldn’t deny it.
  • The essential question: “Does it serve you to hold on to the belief that you don’t belong here?”
  • Reclaiming agency means refusing to internalize others’ negative scripts.

Quote:
“When we start internalizing the beliefs that others might have of us, we end up losing the control and power that we actually have, which is over ourselves.” — Muriel [09:58]

6. Distinguishing Belonging and Acceptance ([10:08])

• “If you’re at the party, you belong.”
  • Muriel explains the difference between being physically present and being accepted—belonging is about presence; acceptance is about other people’s attitudes.
  • “If you are physically at the table, you are there. Where is the question of whether you belong or not? ... Are you being accepted by others is a different story.” — Muriel [10:08]
  • Cautions against seeking acceptance by abandoning one’s own self-acceptance.

7. The Role of Internal Validation

• Self-Worth Is Not Determined by External Acceptance ([12:45])
  • Many pursue validation at work to fulfill long-standing needs, misplaced when work is inconsistent in supplying acceptance.
  • “If you recognize that you do bring value to the table, you know what value you're bringing ... you belong here until you're told not to be here.” — Muriel [12:45]

8. Practical Mindset Shifts

a. Act Like the Seat Is Yours ([14:13])

• Accepting that discomfort is part of moving away from relying on external validation.

b. Give Yourself Grace; Growth is Uncomfortable ([17:32])

• Progress is marked by discomfort when you let go of old beliefs.
• “When I see leaders, particularly my clients, get uncomfortable because they're holding things differently, I'm super happy because I'm like, okay, we're on to something now.” — Muriel [17:32]

c. Question Your Internal Scripts ([19:53])

• Instead of defaulting to “I don’t belong,” examine what you’re telling yourself and whether it’s accurate or helpful.

d. Beliefs are Malleable ([20:41])

• What got you here won’t get you there; don’t cling to past beliefs that no longer serve you.

9. Actionable First Steps

a. Define Your Own Value Proposition ([22:06])

• Don’t wait for others to tell you why you matter—be explicit about your unique value.
• Ask: “What difference would it make if I were not here?” and articulate the answer.

b. Remind Yourself of Shared Goals ([27:00])

• Focus on intersections rather than differences; look for common ground even if it’s minimal.

Quote:
“Rather than focusing on where there's disconnection, try to find where there is intersection.” — Muriel [27:00]

c. Build a Support Network ([30:59])

• Find a few supportive relationships—especially with peers—rather than seeking acceptance from everyone.
• If you don’t feel belonging with one group, seek it elsewhere, even outside work.

10. Calibrating Expectations Around Connection ([29:32])

• Total connectedness and acceptance is rare.
• What matters is having enough intersection to do the work and maintain self-worth.

11. Muriel’s Own Growth and Closing Insights

• On Writing Her Book and Changing Her Mind ([35:10])
  • She realized all leaders hold these limiting beliefs at different times; it’s not about eliminating them, but “cozying up to them” and choosing when to put them aside.
  • “It's not about letting go of the beliefs. It's actually cozying up to them and befriending them so that we can then tell them it's your turn to take a little bit of a rest while I exercise a different one.” — Muriel [35:10]

Notable Quotes and Moments

• “If you’re at the party and you’re at the party, you belong.” — Dave [09:58]
• “Belonging is about presence; acceptance is about others’ attitudes.” — Muriel [10:08]
• “The nirvana of it is when you can hold both: What I think about myself is important and what others think about me is important, but neither one actually dictates my value.” — Muriel [16:41]
• “We’re so attached to the beliefs that we believe gave us success, which they did. Right. They are what got us here. We’re so attached to them that we’re afraid if we let go of them that all hell is going to break loose, we’re no longer going to be successful, rather than seeing that, hey, beliefs are actually malleable and you get to pick and choose which one is going to be most helpful...” — Muriel [20:41]
• “No one is going to hand your value proposition to you on a golden platter ... you better well figure out for yourself what is the value that I bring to my team, to this organization, to my role, to this meeting, and walk in with that as the stake in the ground.” — Muriel [22:24]

Important Timestamps

• [02:00] – Muriel Wilkins introduction and episode theme
• [03:02] – When and where feelings of not belonging show up for leaders
• [04:40] – Common behavioral responses and the resulting cycle of disengagement
• [06:15] – The vicious cycle and mutual disengagement
• [08:24] – Addressing the reality of systemic exclusion vs. internalization
• [10:08] – “If you’re at the party, you belong.” Distinguishing belonging vs. acceptance
• [14:13] – Practical mindsets and acting like you belong
• [17:32] – Discomfort as a sign of progress and learning
• [19:53] – Moving from default behavior to intentional questioning of beliefs
• [22:06] – Defining your value proposition concretely
• [27:00] – The importance of common goals and points of intersection
• [30:59] – Building a peer support network—inside and outside work
• [35:10] – Muriel’s personal reflections and what she’s changed her mind on

Flow and Tone

The conversation is thoughtful, authentic and filled with practical wisdom that is both compassionate and direct. Muriel brings vulnerability from her personal experience, and Dave creates a space for listeners to reflect on their own leadership journeys. The message throughout is one of agency, self-compassion, and the nuanced realities of leadership.

Takeaways for Leaders

• You are not alone in feeling like you don’t belong—even the most seasoned executives experience it.
• Recognize and break the cycle by examining your internal beliefs rather than just changing your behavior reactively.
• Distinguish acceptance and belonging. You belong by virtue of being there; acceptance is a separate matter.
• Define your own value and make it your anchor rather than seeking constant external validation.
• Build supportive relationships and focus on intersections; don’t demand 100% connection from everyone.
• Growth is uncomfortable—celebrate discomfort as a sign you are moving forward.

Suggested Next Steps:

• Consider Muriel’s Leadership Breakthrough for further exploration.
• Listen to Coaching Real Leaders to hear real coaching in action.

Additional recommended episodes on Coaching for Leaders:

• Ep. 617: How to Start a Big Leadership Role
• Ep. 635: How to Start Better with Peers
• Ep. 696: The Habits That Hold Leaders Back

Guest: Muriel Wilkins, Executive Coach, Author, CEO of Paravis Partners
Host: Dave Stachowiak
Podcast: Coaching for Leaders — Episode 756
Date: October 27, 2025