Podcast Summary: Coaching for Leaders, Episode 767

Title: Being Nice May Not Be Kind, with Graham Allcott
Host: Dave Stachowiak
Guest: Graham Allcott (Author, speaker, founder of Think Productive)
Air Date: January 26, 2026

Overview

In this episode, Dave Stachowiak welcomes Graham Allcott, author of "The Quiet Power of Kindness at Work," for a deep-dive into the nuanced distinctions between being “nice” and being “kind” in leadership. The discussion explores why kindness, rooted in truth and grace, is a sign of strength rather than weakness, and how clear, kind leadership practices can transform workplace culture, drive psychological safety, and enhance team performance.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Difference Between “Nice” and “Kind”

(02:36 - 05:35)

• Being “nice” is often about avoiding discomfort and telling people what they want to hear.

• Being “kind” is about having the courage to tell people what they need to hear, balancing truth with grace.

• Kindness is rooted in truth and empathy, while niceness can become people-pleasing at the expense of meaningful progress.

• Quote:

  “Niceness can be weakness, but kindness is strength... kindness is about truth and grace, and niceness doesn't contain that truth.”
  — Graham Allcott, 02:36

• Graham likens kindness to salted caramel—too much salt (truth) or too much caramel (sweetness) on their own can ruin things. The combination, balanced with grace, is key.

• Quote:

  “If you just have just the caramel, just the sickly sweetness, it gets too sickly sweet too quickly, and then nothing happens.”
  — Graham Allcott, 04:46

2. Concern for Others vs. Concern for Self in Kindness

(05:35 - 08:28)

• Graham explains his “nice vs. kind” matrix, emphasizing the need for both a concern for others and a healthy concern for self.
• Effective kindness involves self-confidence and using one’s strength to elevate others, contrasting with ego-driven “business bastards” who lack humility.
• Niceness, he warns, is often classic people-pleasing where you put others ahead but neglect your own strengths.

3. Kindness, Clarity, and Psychological Safety

(08:28 - 13:43)

• The mantra “Clear is Kind” (from Brené Brown) is highlighted.

• Graham explains that clarity in expectations and feedback is a profound form of kindness that builds psychological safety.

• Quote:

  “Once you're in a place of psychological safety... all of the behaviors are actually things that you would just describe as kind acts.”
  — Graham Allcott, 12:11

• Graham breaks down the virtuous cycle:

  • Kindness → Empathy → Trust → Psychological Safety → High performance, creativity, engagement, and happiness.

• Psychological safety is a “gift that keeps on giving” for high-performing teams.

4. The Three Vs: Vision, Values, Value

(13:43 - 17:33)

• Vision: What the team is striving to achieve.
• Values: How the team intends to work together.
• Value: The measurable contribution or outcome expected—a missing element in many teams.
• Being specific and measurable about value is a significant act of kindness, as it removes ambiguity and creates alignment.
• Quote:

  “Good leaders really do focus down onto what is the measurable value that we need to provide.”
  — Graham Allcott, 16:46

5. When "Nice" Masks Unkindness—Clarity and Feedback

(17:33 - 21:10)

• Leaders often default to “nice” when specific measurement or feedback is needed, mistakenly thinking avoidance is kind.
• Two stories underline the power of kindness through candor:
  • Stanley McChrystal’s Firing by President Obama: Even in a painful moment, dignity and clarity can coexist.
  • Performance Feedback Example: Giving advance warning and being upfront about consequences can be highly motivating and is appreciated.
• Quote:

  “Avoiding truth—being unclear—is deeply unkind.”
  — Graham Allcott, 18:34

6. The Value of Personal Leadership Mantras

(21:10 - 25:42)

• Leaders benefit from adopting clear, concise mantras that shape their team’s culture and expectations.
• Examples:
  • “I don’t care if you screw up, as long as you own up and clear up.”
    (Builds trust and ownership)
  • “Bake a few less cakes, but put the cherries on them.”
    (Encourages focus and completion)
• These mantras become memorable, emotionally resonant touchstones for teams.

7. Encouraging Full Transparency: “Give Me the Last 20%”

(26:42 - 28:42)

• Inviting team members not just to share the easy 80% of feedback, but to speak openly about the difficult or uncomfortable things.
• This phrase creates space for honesty, trust, and psychological safety.
• Quote:

  “You want to be able to give not just the first 80%, but that last 20% as well... Give me the bit that’s most uncomfortable.”
  — Graham Allcott, 27:05

8. Personal Reflections: What Graham’s Son Taught Him About Kindness

(30:45 - 33:36)

• Graham speaks movingly about his 12-year-old son Roscoe, who has a chromosomal disorder and has undergone multiple surgeries.
• Through Roscoe, Graham has witnessed the power and depth of kindness from strangers and community, and gained humility about the privileges of independence.
• Quote:

  “He is just this vessel for kindness... The biggest privilege of being his dad has been just witnessing all of this kindness that comes his way and is attracted to him.”
  — Graham Allcott, 31:17

Notable Quotes

• “Niceness can be weakness, but kindness is strength.” — Graham Allcott (02:36)
• “Kind is about telling people what they need to hear.” — Jonathan Raymond (00:00)
• “Avoiding truth—being unclear—is deeply unkind.” — Graham Allcott (18:34)
• “Good leaders really do focus down onto what is the measurable value that we need to provide.” — Graham Allcott (16:46)
• “You want to be able to give not just the first 80%, but that last 20% as well.” — Graham Allcott (27:05)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 02:36 — Difference between “nice” and “kind”
• 05:35 — The matrix: concern for others vs. concern for self
• 08:28 — Clarity as an act of kindness
• 13:43 — The three Vs: vision, values, value
• 18:34 — Candor in feedback and performance management
• 21:34 — Power of leadership mantras
• 26:42 — “Give me the last 20%”
• 30:45 — Lessons learned from parenting a child with special needs

Memorable Moments

• Graham’s “salted caramel” metaphor for kindness (truth + grace).
• General Stanley McChrystal’s story about being fired with dignity by President Obama.
• The power of a simple leadership mantra to create ownership and psychological safety.
• Graham’s vulnerability and gratitude in reflecting on what his son has taught him about kindness, privilege, and communal support.

Final Insights

Kindness in leadership is not simply about being nice or avoiding tough conversations. It requires clear communication, truthful feedback delivered with empathy, and the confidence to both support others and hold oneself accountable. Leaders who strive for kindness foster environments of trust and psychological safety, unlocking higher performance and deeper connection.

Resources & Further Exploration

• Graham Allcott’s book: The Quiet Power of Kindness at Work
• Graham’s practical email newsletter: “Rev Up for the Week”
• Related Coaching for Leaders episodes:
  • Episode 306: Five Steps to Hold People Accountable
  • Episode 404: How to Build Psychological Safety
  • Episode 583: How to Give Feedback

For more, visit CoachingforLeaders.com to access past episodes, transcripts, and resources.