Coaching Real Leaders

Episode: "How Do I Lead When I Don’t Feel Like I Belong at the Table?"

Host: Muriel Wilkins (Harvard Business Review)
Guest: "John" (pseudonym)
Release Date: October 20, 2025

Overview

This episode centers on the common leadership dilemma of feeling out of place or undeserving at higher levels within an organization. Muriel Wilkins, an executive coach, guides “John,” a strategy manager hoping to move into senior operational leadership, through a candid coaching session. John struggles with self-doubt and hesitancy in senior-level, freeform discussions—specifically, a sense of not belonging or being impactful in executive settings. The conversation probes how internal beliefs, perfectionism, and flawed definitions of value can hinder leadership progression, and offers grounded strategies for building presence and confidence in such environments.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. John’s Career Goals and Current Reality

• Aspirations: John aims for a managing director or CEO-type role, leveraging his broad experience (01:25).
• Stuck Progress: Despite success as a consultant and transition to strategy roles, John feels pigeonholed, lacking operational responsibility and visible impact (01:55–02:33).

  “Nothing in the company stops if I were to go on leave. It’s just that some research will not get done... The opportunities to [own and progress a topic] have just been few and far between.” — John (01:55)

2. The Core Challenge: Presence and Belonging in Senior Meetings

• Meeting Types: John is comfortable when he can prepare deeply and present. He struggles in unstructured, executive freeform discussions, often defaulting to silence (02:43–04:14).
• Internal Loop: He listens and reflects rather than jumping in, then overthinks and misses the moment (05:18).

  “I will start this internal loop of second guessing and deciding when to speak or what to say. And then I end up either saying nothing or worse, kind of saying something I’m not very proud of.” — John (05:18)

3. Self-Perception vs. External Feedback

• No External Criticism: John recognizes his insecurity is internal—he receives no actual negative feedback about his participation (05:53–05:57).
• Muriel’s Guidance: Muriel suggests actively requesting specific feedback from meeting colleagues as a reality check (07:40–07:55).

4. Analysis of “Worst Case” and “Best Case” Meeting Experiences

• Worst Case: John is silent, overthinks, and misses opportunities to contribute; this is mainly fueled by self-questioning (08:50–09:29).
• Best Case: John feels comfortable, natural, and included. The inner narrative is absent, replaced by assuredness (09:51–12:07).

  “The assumption is I belong here and who is with me here values what I have to say and will listen and also give me the time to say it.” — John (12:52)

5. The Role of Assumptions and Beliefs

• Assumptions Drive Behavior: Muriel highlights how John’s negative assumptions (“What if I say something wrong?”) trigger silence. In positive situations, he assumes his presence and value are taken for granted (17:37–18:35).
• Consultant Mindset: John’s perfectionism and reliance on data make him slow to assert unproven ideas in ambiguous settings (19:42).

6. Redefining Value and Impact

• Misaligned Metrics: John ties his value to the implementation of his proposals, though his role is primarily to provide insight and shape decisions (33:26–37:19).

  “You’re measuring your value on something that is currently out of your control.” — Muriel (34:44)

• Reframe: Value lies in equipping senior leaders with reliable information and perspectives, not in the ultimate execution of projects (36:55–37:19).

7. Expanding Capacity vs. Changing Personality

• Authenticity Concern: John fears that “acting confident” may betray his real self (21:20–21:40).
• Muriel’s Analogy: Building leadership presence is like expanding the number of utensils a child can use at dinner: it’s not changing who you are, but expanding your range and having more tools at your disposal (23:05–24:16).

8. Mindset Shifts and Taking Action

• Rewriting the Script: John is encouraged to enter meetings with the hypothesis, “I belong here” and “My job is to shape the conversation,” not to guarantee outcomes (24:54–26:37).
• Facing Discomfort: It’s acceptable to feel insecure and still speak up. Progress comes from practicing new behaviors, even amid discomfort (50:34–53:03).
• Worst-case Evaluation: Even if John speaks up and gets critical feedback, he recognizes he can handle it—so the real risk is less than it seems (54:19–55:55).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Assumptions:

  “You create a budget... We’re making assumptions up all the time. They can be informed... But at the end of the day, you could say, hey, we can pick assumption one or assumption two. Which one are we going to go with?” — Muriel (19:12–19:42)

• On Belonging:

  “The assumption is I belong here and who is with me here values what I have to say and will listen.” — John (12:52)

• On Value:

  “You’re measuring your value on something that is currently out of your control.” — Muriel (34:44)

• Letting Go of Perfectionism:

  “We feel insecure when we feel like we’re not going to be okay. But if you’re like, I’ll be all right, then you’re secure at a baseline level.” — Muriel (55:55)

• On Action Despite Discomfort:

  “Is it possible that you’d speak up even if those things [confidence, proof of value] aren’t in place?” — Muriel (52:52)

Important Timestamps

• John’s Background & Ambition: 01:25–01:51
• Description of Leadership Challenge: 02:43–04:14
• Recognition of Internal Insecurity: 05:53–05:57
• “Worst Case” vs. “Best Case” Meetings: 08:50–10:33
• Defining Value & Struggling with Impact: 33:26–37:19
• Muriel Explains Expanding Leadership Capacity: 23:05–24:16
• Redefining the Core Metric of Success: 34:44
• Testing New Hypotheses for Meeting Participation: 45:16–46:33
• Facing Discomfort and Acting Anyway: 50:34–53:03
• Practical Homework/Call to Action: 58:36–59:45

Actionable Takeaways & Muriel’s Guidance

• Seek out specific feedback from trusted colleagues after freeform meetings; frame your request clearly.
• Consciously choose a positive, empowering mindset (“I belong here, I was invited”) before participating in senior discussions.
• Redefine your value and contribution: it is your insight and ability to frame discussion that matters, not the fate of any single project.
• Experiment with speaking up earlier, even when unsure; treat occasional discomfort as normal and manageable.
• Notice internal narratives, and practice substituting self-doubt with self-acceptance and curiosity.
• Reflect on what is in your control (your approach and participation), not on ultimate business outcomes.

Episode Tone

Encouraging, insightful, and pragmatic. Muriel’s approach is kind, direct, and empathetic, helping John move past paralysis without judgment. The conversation is filled with analogies, gentle challenges, and practical frameworks for reframing leadership doubts.

Conclusion

By the episode’s end, John embraces a lighter, more empowered outlook. He is challenged not to change who he is, but to expand his range and approach. Ultimately, leadership presence at senior tables comes from the decision to believe in your own belonging and value—before waiting for proof.