Coaching Real Leaders – Episode Summary

Podcast: Coaching Real Leaders
Host: Muriel Wilkins (Harvard Business Review)
Episode: How Do I Manage My Former Peers Now That I’m Their Boss?
Air Date: November 17, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode centers on the real-life challenge of stepping into a management position over former peers. Thomas (a pseudonym) finds himself promoted quickly through the ranks and now leads a team that includes people with more experience—supervisors who used to be his equals and, in some cases, his mentors. The episode explores Thomas's struggle to balance authority and rapport, adjust his approach, and manage his own internal pressures while learning to motivate and lead effectively. Host and executive coach Muriel Wilkins guides Thomas through a one-on-one coaching session to unpack his experience, assumptions, and leadership habits, helping him identify strategies for building trust, navigating resistance, and leading with adaptability.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Pressure of Sudden Promotion and New Authority

• Thomas describes his rapid rise from team member to manager-of-managers and the resulting personal and team tensions.

• Key Insight: The skills that propel individual contributors upward aren't always the same ones needed to manage former peers or navigate complex interpersonal dynamics.

  “Transitioning from being that help to being the one who called the shots was just maybe jarring for other people as well as it was for me.”
  – Thomas, 02:35

2. Challenges with Former Peers

• Thomas now manages two levels of supervisors; the higher-level ones have more tenure.

• He describes pushback from those who expected seniority to merit promotion, not his rapid advancement.

• Adjusting communication style for different audiences—what works for entry-level staff often falls flat with experienced supervisors.

• Fear of losing credibility if authority is questioned or undermined.

  “There was like a certain resistance because I was picked…over these people that had been there a lot longer than me.”
  – Thomas, 03:27

3. Impact of Internal and External Pressure

• Thomas identifies both external deadlines (pushed by directors) and his own high standards as sources of stress.

• Muriel highlights the effect of internalized pressure leading to more rigid, heavy-handed responses, pointing out an alternative mindset:

  “If the mindset was, ‘I’m going to do the best with what I have,’ perhaps that would have at least lessened the internal pressure and therefore changed your approach.”
  – Muriel, 11:30

4. Leadership Balance: Task vs. Relationship

• The need for balance between maintaining relationships/rapport and holding people accountable.
• Thomas recognizes his default is to focus on procedural correctness and high standards—what worked for his own advancement—but admits this creates distance.
• Muriel stresses that high-performing leaders do both: “developing the relational side while still driving the task.” (12:57)

5. Adapting Motivational Strategies

• Thomas tends to motivate himself through self-imposed pressure, assuming that method will work for others—a miscalculation, especially with more experienced colleagues.

• When a direct report stated, “I wouldn’t be such a problem if you had more rapport with people like me,” Thomas took it as avoidance of accountability, rather than an expression of what actually motivates them.

• Muriel encourages Thomas to consider the variety of ways team members are motivated and how respect and engagement look different for everyone.

  “Relationships are not one way. The question is, how do THEY feel respected?”
  – Muriel, 37:47

6. Rethinking “Respect” and Rapport

• Thomas defines respect as something earned through strong job performance, but Muriel challenges the assumption that this is universal.
• She suggests, “If I was talking to that person…maybe they would say…‘You know how somebody earns my respect? If they build rapport with me.’”
• The core insight is that leadership requires understanding others’ perspectives and tailoring approach accordingly.

7. Embracing Adaptability and Personalization

• Muriel offers the metaphor of the “dimmer switch”—not everything is on or off, soft or harsh; there are gradients in communication and managing style.

• Concrete strategies are proposed: take pauses before responding, use acknowledgment (“I hear you”), and personalize interactions based on the individual's needs and motivations.

• The homework: list out direct reports and intentionally adapt approach for each, meeting them where they are while retaining accountability.

  “That will work for three out of ten people…You can do that for SOPs…you can’t do that in conversation.”
  – Muriel, 43:46

8. Self-Reflection and Next Steps

• Thomas recognizes he’s been using one approach for everyone and sees the value in customizing for individuals.
• He notes feeling more optimistic after the session: “I cannot wait to challenge myself to change these little things, so that my overall success as a manager can be at a different level.” (45:38)

9. Key Takeaways for All Leaders

• What works for you may NOT work for everyone you lead.

• Effective leadership depends on adaptability, empathy, and understanding what motivates each team member.

• Meeting people where they are—rather than forcing everyone into your mold—yields better engagement (and fewer HR headaches!).

  “One of the most important things a leader can do is meet people where they are. That isn’t always easy. It will come with some experience, experimentation and trial and error.”
  – Muriel, 46:40

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the shift in mindset:

  • “You may not own 100% of it, but in every interaction you bring a certain energy to it. And that part you do own.”
    – Muriel, 07:43

• On the illusion of control:

  • “I feel like if I don’t carry myself that way all the time, then chaos will erupt and nothing will get done anymore, and I will let everything slide.”
    – Thomas, 20:21

• On the importance of flexibility:

  • “Instead of having an on and off switch, you have dimmers…There’s different gradients.”
    – Muriel, 22:08

• On adapting to team member needs:

  • “The onus is on you to meet people where they are. Okay, but it’s a choice. You don’t have to do it, but it’s a choice in front of you.”
    – Muriel, 40:11

• On homework and moving forward:

  • “List out all of them…If for the next week you met them where they are and still held them accountable, what would that look like?”
    – Muriel, 42:20

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:00–01:18 — Introduction and Thomas’s context for coaching
• 01:48–03:18 — Rapid promotion and managing former peers
• 05:14–06:47 — Managing pushback and maintaining morale
• 09:06–11:36 — Internal and external sources of pressure
• 12:57–14:41 — Balancing firmness with relationship-building
• 15:15–16:15 — Personal vs. team motivational tactics
• 17:05–22:27 — Learning from observation, avoiding management extremes
• 23:15–24:27 — Discussion on what the new “scoreboard” should measure (quality AND morale)
• 28:10–30:33 — Dealing with pushback and becoming less reactive
• 32:28–34:47 — Practical strategies for communication — pausing, acknowledging, using different tones
• 35:47–38:01 — Respect, rapport, and understanding differing values
• 42:20–43:46 — Homework: Personalizing leadership for each direct report
• 45:20–46:27 — Thomas’s reflection on coaching and optimism for the future
• 46:35–47:38 — Muriel’s closing thoughts and core lesson for leaders

Conclusion

This episode is a hands-on, candid, and insightful look at the unique hurdles faced by new managers who inherit former peers as direct reports. It unpacks the emotional and strategic layers of leadership transitions and delivers actionable strategies for personal growth and team leadership. The key lesson is clear: Effective people management is as much about understanding and adapting to others as it is about setting high standards.

For further guidance on leadership challenges like this, listeners are encouraged to read Muriel Wilkins’s book ‘Leadership Unblocked’ and check out her other resources.