Coaching Real Leaders: Ask Muriel Anything with Special Guest Dave Stachowiak

Host: Muriel Wilkins (Harvard Business Review)
Guest: Dave Stachowiak (Host of Coaching for Leaders)
Date: April 13, 2026

Episode Overview

This “Ask Muriel Anything” edition features an insightful discussion between host Muriel Wilkins and respected leadership coach Dave Stachowiak. Drawing on listener questions and real coaching scenarios, Muriel and Dave explore career advancement challenges, how to identify non-negotiables when considering big career moves, and effective leadership through volatile organizational change. Through practical frameworks and honest dialogue, the conversation offers clear strategies and fresh perspectives for leaders facing their own inflection points.

Dave’s Coaching Philosophy and Groundwork (03:10–05:59)

• Focus on Inflection Points: Dave specializes in helping leaders thrive during career turning points—whether a new role, feedback, or major change.
• Behavioral Change: Drawing from Marshall Goldsmith, Dave notes:

  “The higher you go, the more your challenges become behavioral.” (03:37)

• Consistency Over Intensity: Dave emphasizes sustainable progress through small, consistent steps rather than radical, short-lived changes.

  “I’m a huge believer in consistency over intensity. ...What’s actually easier and more successful in the long term is to take small steps, test things, try things out, get small wins.” (04:57)

Q1: Am I Being Held Back Because I’m a High Performer? (06:00–18:06)

Summary of the Question:
A high-performing listener wonders whether they're being “held back” by their boss—possibly because their value to the team makes their manager reluctant to see them move on, even as they get positive reviews.

Key Insights

• Yes, It Happens: Both hosts agree; managers sometimes—intentionally or not—hold on to top performers due to team needs or lack of a succession plan.

  “I do think this happens... sometimes with the best intentions.” —Dave (06:44)

• Don’t Rely Solely on Your Boss:

  “We should all assume that our boss is holding us back… We should never put all of our career aspirations... in the hands of simply one person.” —Dave (08:25)

• Diversify Relationships:
  Build a broad network within and beyond your immediate team. Get involved in mentoring, cross-functional projects, or informal meetups.

  “Use that equity that you have... to build out other relationships so that you have more than one person advocating for you...” —Muriel (11:10)

• Test the Waters:
  Open a low-risk conversation with your manager about development. If the manager’s support is genuine, they’ll engage with you. If not, it signals to broaden your advocacy network.

  “In the spirit of starting small... say, ‘I would love to have a conversation about my development plan.’... How does that manager respond to that request?” —Dave (12:14)

• Name the Elephant (Gently):

  “I’m a big fan of naming the elephant in the room without letting that elephant be too heavy...” —Muriel (13:53)

• Mitigate Their Risk:
  Demonstrate to your boss how building redundancy (training others, documenting processes) benefits both of you and the organization.

  “How can I help you—help me help you—in terms of lessening the risk?... Should we have conversations around succession?” —Muriel (15:10)

• Leverage Sponsors:
  If direct advocacy with your manager doesn’t work, rely on other influential colleagues to advocate for you behind the scenes.
• Gather Data Points:
  Collaborate with others who might provide insight into your manager’s behavior and the real dynamics.

Memorable Quotes

• “If you’re getting great feedback but not moving, start thinking about, ‘Who else in the organization do I need to build relationships with?’” —Dave (10:09)
• “What happens when your champion leaves the company? ...It’s much harder to climb out of that than to plan for it.” —Muriel (11:10)
• “You don’t know what you don’t know, so you better find out.” —Dave (17:54)

Q2: How Do I Determine My Non-Negotiables When Considering a Big Career Shift? (21:29–33:51)

Summary of the Question:
A leader with a long tenure and a strong internal reputation is considering a major move for a higher position, but is unsure how to prioritize what matters most and ensure the decision feels “right.”

Key Insights

• You’ll Never Know for Certain:

  “We never really know until we get into a role.” —Dave (22:25)

• Don't Just Consider What Brings Joy:

  “What makes you angry? What irritates you? What drove you nuts about a prior job?” —Dave (23:08)

• Learning from discomfort surfaces core values better than just “what lights me up.”
• Write Down and Test Your List:
  • List all wishes for the next role.
  • Circle the true non-negotiables (can’t be everything!).
  • Reflect: Are they realistic? Under your control? Observable/measurable?

  “If you don’t write it down, it’s so easy to get caught up in the honeymoon phase and ignore your non-negotiables.” —Dave (29:03)

• Compare with Your Current Role:
  Don’t overlook what you already have—sometimes you can fulfill your non-negotiables by evolving your current position rather than leaving.

  “I had someone go through this, realized her non-negotiable was managing a bigger team—she advocated for it internally and made it happen.” —Muriel (32:03)

• There Are Always Trade-offs:
  Acknowledge that you’ll be gaining and losing something with any significant shift.

Memorable Quotes

• “List your non-negotiables—but be specific. For example, ‘I want to feel valued’ isn’t enough; define how you’ll observe or measure that.” —Muriel (26:18)
• “You might find the very thing you’re leaving to gain can be cultivated where you are now.” —Muriel (32:03)

Q3: How Do I Lead Effectively When Priorities from Leadership Keep Changing? (35:41–47:36)

Summary of the Question:
A mid-level leader keeps her team aligned around a vision—but top leadership often changes direction, launching shifting priorities with little warning. How can she lead effectively amid this volatility?

Key Insights

• Appeal to the Nobler Motive:
  Anchor your team in the deeper purpose so daily volatility doesn’t erode meaning.
  • Story: Dave recalls aerospace leaders who rallied teams around, “Build it like you will fly it.” (38:37)

  “Start by finding the nobler motive. What’s the big picture? ...There’s always a nobler motive.” —Dave (40:32)

• Name and Normalize Change:
  Routinely remind your team that some priorities will change, but the underlying purpose remains.
• Help the Team Build Resilience:
  Use frequent reminders, rituals (“open meetings with the big picture”), and realistic expectations to help your team adapt to ongoing flux.

  “Maybe every day, you send an email or start meetings by reminding the team of the nobler motive.” —Muriel (41:31)

• Resource for Change:
  Like increasing pace on a treadmill—either build your capacity or support structures for your team.

  “If the treadmill speeds up, what resources do you use: Do you need to bring in help? Lower the incline? Jump off and on?” —Muriel (43:01)

• Consider Upward Feedback:
  If change from above is truly undermining strategy or sustainability, use your credibility to share the downstream impact with upper management.

  “Show leadership the impact in a language that resonates: engagement scores, attrition, risk to outcomes.” —Muriel (44:55)

• Resist Wisely:
  Sometimes you may need to “ask someone to stop pushing the speed button” if volatility undermines the larger mission.

  “All these things I’m being asked to do—are they still serving the nobler motive? If not, we owe it to point that out to our leaders.” —Dave (45:58)

Notable Quotes

• “This is just the nature of work right now—it’s the nature of leadership. ...But frame change by returning to the big picture.” —Dave (37:40)
• “If your focus is on resisting the constant change, it’s just going to make it worse.” —Muriel (43:01)
• “If what leadership is asking gets in the way of the nobler motive, that’s the time to start the hard conversation.” —Dave (45:58)

Episode Close & Where to Find More (47:36–end)

• Listeners are invited to find Dave at Coaching4Leaders.com or on any podcast app.
• Dave recommends episode 756 of Coaching for Leaders for further insights from Muriel on belonging and impostor feelings.

  “We had a brilliant conversation from your book Leadership Unblocked... about what it feels like when you don’t belong.” —Dave (47:59)

• Muriel hosts live Q&As and community discussions at CoachingRealLeadersCommunity.com.

Episode Takeaways

• Never anchor your career to a single sponsor—diversify relationships and advocacy inside and outside your organization.
• Clarify your non-negotiables, validate them against reality, and write them down—especially when considering changes.
• Frame turbulence through purpose; turn volatility into collective resilience by constantly reaffirming the ‘nobler motive.’

For deeper dives and to connect directly with Muriel’s community, follow her on LinkedIn and join the live discussions.