How Do I Handle It When I Disagree with My Boss’s Decisions?

Summary

Coaching Real Leaders: Episode Summary

Episode Title: How Do I Handle It When I Disagree with My Boss’s Decisions?
Host/Author: Harvard Business Review / Muriel Wilkins
Release Date: October 21, 2024

---

Introduction

In this episode of Coaching Real Leaders, Muriel Wilkins delves into the complexities of handling disagreements with superior leadership decisions. The session features a coaching conversation with a high-performing executive, referred to as Adam, who grapples with maintaining his core values while navigating challenging dynamics with his boss.

---

Adam's Background and Career Trajectory

[01:15] Adam: "I've always had a major love for finance and... my current role, which is C-suite level."

Adam shares his career journey, highlighting his ambition and love for finance, which led him to pivot his career overseas. This move allowed him to ascend rapidly within a smaller market, ultimately securing a C-suite position. His initial optimism was fueled by his role as a change agent, focusing on cultural transformation and operational performance.

---

The Core Challenge: Trust and Communication with His Boss

[02:04] Adam: "...the trust part was a little bit more difficult for me to accomplish with my boss."

Upon assuming his recent role, Adam encountered unexpected challenges in building a trusting relationship with his boss. While he successfully fostered relationships with colleagues, breaking down barriers with his superior proved more elusive. This difficulty affected how he approached interactions, leading to missed opportunities to voice critical perspectives.

---

Recognizing the Trap: Balancing Relationships and Core Values

[04:21] Adam: "My career advancement has moved so rapidly that I am now trusted into some of these positions where I have to also make sure that my maturity level gets up to that point as well."

Adam identifies himself in a "trap" where his rapid career progression demands a higher level of maturity in handling difficult situations. He acknowledges a dissonance between his usual approach of relationship-building and the new demands of his leadership role, leading to internal conflict and regret over not asserting his viewpoints.

---

Defining Influence vs. Decision-Making

[18:21] Adam: "I suppose for me it's presenting your arguments, your arguments being essentially crisp, data-driven..."

Muriel and Adam dissect the difference between influencing and decision-making. Adam realizes he conflated his role as an influencer with that of a decision-maker, setting unrealistic expectations for his ability to control outcomes. This misalignment contributed to his frustration and sense of inadequacy when his efforts to influence decisions fell short.

---

Navigating Inner Conflict: The Smoke Alarm Analogy

[42:17] Coaching Assistant: "If that is the smoke alarm, what choices do you then have?"

Muriel introduces the smoke alarm analogy to help Adam understand and manage his inner conflict. Just as a smoke alarm signals potential danger, inner discomfort indicates the need for strategic assessment and mindful decision-making. This framework encourages Adam to prioritize his actions based on what truly matters, aligning his responses with his core values without sacrificing important relationships.

---

Strategic and Mindful Leadership: Aligning Actions with Priorities

[47:10] Adam: "Right."

The conversation advances to strategizing how Adam can maintain his voice in high-stakes situations without compromising relationships. Muriel emphasizes the importance of clarity in prioritizing outcomes and making conscious decisions that reflect his leadership values. Adam acknowledges the need to be more strategic and mindful, ensuring his actions align with his priorities to mitigate internal conflicts.

---

Key Insights and Takeaways

1. Co-Creation of Dynamics: All interpersonal dynamics are co-created, but in one-on-one coaching, the focus is on the individual's controllable actions and mindset.

2. Differentiating Influence from Decision-Making: Understanding one's role in influencing versus making decisions is crucial for setting realistic expectations and reducing self-blame.

3. Recognizing and Responding to Inner Conflict: Inner discomfort acts as a signal to assess and realign priorities. Leaders must develop frameworks to respond strategically rather than react impulsively.

4. Aligning Actions with Core Values: Maintaining integrity and staying true to core values, even in the face of challenging relationships, is essential for sustainable leadership growth.

5. Strategic Preparation: Being well-prepared and adaptable in decision-making scenarios enhances a leader's ability to influence effectively without feeling compromised.

---

Conclusion

By the episode's end, Adam gains clarity on managing his inner conflicts and aligning his actions with his leadership values. He commits to a more strategic and mindful approach, ensuring that his decisions reflect both his personal integrity and professional responsibilities. This transformative coaching session not only addresses Adam's immediate challenges but also equips him with tools for ongoing leadership development.

Notable Outcome: A few months post-coaching, Adam received a promotion to an even more senior role, indicating the positive impact of the coaching session on his leadership trajectory.

---

Quotes

• Adam on Career Progression:
  [01:23] "I was able to successfully get promoted into... my current role, which, you know, is C-suite level."

• Adam on Trust Challenges:
  [02:04] "The trust part was a little bit more difficult for me to accomplish with my boss."

• Adam on Influence vs. Decision-Making:
  [21:04] "I have plenty of examples like that."

• Muriel on Inner Conflict:
  [50:35] "...some of our house. Right. It's like when the smoke alarm goes off in our house."

• Adam on Maintaining Core Values:
  [37:49] "...I can't live with myself if I don't stick to my core values in that situation."

---

Final Thoughts

Adam's journey underscores the intricate balance between maintaining personal integrity and fostering professional relationships. Through strategic reflection and conscious decision-making, leaders can navigate disagreements and uphold their core values without compromising essential relationships.

---

For More Episodes and Insights:
Join Muriel Wilkins and other leaders in their coaching conversations by subscribing to Coaching Real Leaders on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your preferred podcast platform. Engage with the community and continue your leadership growth journey.

Transcript

[Muriel Wilkins]

Every great leader faces defining moments. If growth is on your horizon, Jobs Ohio is your partner in making it happen seamlessly. With workforce programs ready to build sites and a private funding model that eliminates surprises, Ohio is the strategic move you can trust, build, innovate, and grow with confidence.

[Coaching Assistant]

Get [e-mail].

[Muriel Wilkins]

I'm Muriel Wilkins and this is Coaching Real Leaders, part of the HBR Podcast Network. I'm a longtime executive coach who works with highly successful leaders who've hit a bump in the road. My job is to help them get.

[Coaching Assistant]

Over that bump by clarifying their goals.

[Muriel Wilkins]

And figuring out a way to reach them so that hopefully they can lead with a little more ease. I typically work with clients over the course of several months, but on this show we have a one time coaching meeting focusing on a specific leadership challenge they're facing. Today's guest is someone we'll call Adam to protect his confidentiality. He began his career on a pretty.

[Coaching Assistant]

Typical trajectory in the business world.

[Muriel Wilkins]

Working for a few years, getting a business degree and then on to the next position. Best opportunity.

[Adam]

I've always had a major love for finance and you know, I'm very ambitious. School gave me the opportunity to then make a pivot and that pivot is what then took me overseas. And going overseas, what I discovered was, you know, culturally I was much more connected. I felt much more purpose driven in taking up that role. It's much easier for you to navigate that corporate ladder being overseas, especially in the small market. I was able to successfully get promoted into, you know, my current role, which, you know, is C suite level.

[Muriel Wilkins]

When Adam started his most recent role, he had a plan to help him realize his ambitions.

[Adam]

I think at first I was very optimistic about what I could achieve. In much of my career, I've kind of been a change agent, so I approached it from more so from the standpoint of there were some big ticket things that we needed to do around culture, there were some things that we needed to do around the operating performance of the company. I had a number of things that I wanted to do, but key among them was the trust part was a little bit more difficult for me to accomplish with my boss. I was able to build relationships with my colleagues, but I think it's just breaking the barrier with my boss was a little bit more difficult than I expected. It's less about the dynamic with my boss. It's really just how I approach the dynamic taking an effect on me and really how I showed up in certain interactions as a result of that dynamic. It surprised Me that I didn't have more courage to say some of the things that should have been said.

[Muriel Wilkins]

Adam has always been on a quest to learn more, and that's helped him succeed. But now he's finding himself in a place where relationships matter more than ever and he wants to work on how to improve communication with those above him. I wanted to get more clarity on where he thinks he needs the most work. So we'll start there.

[Adam]

For me, at least the further up in my career I go, I have to move away from this notion of trying to please people either above me or below me, and essentially either learn or get the maturity needed sometimes to make difficult decisions, sometimes to confront situations, I think with kind of a head on perspective as opposed to more of a passive position where I look at the big picture and say, well, this thing is temporary and it will pass. But I think I need that maturity in my career to essentially deal with difficult situations, but also just to ensure that I'm not allowing, I suppose, myself to fall into this trap where sometimes I, you know, I choose not to confront situations that I need to.

[Coaching Assistant]

And so is that the trap that you're in right now?

[Adam]

I think so. My career advancement has moved so rapidly that I am now trusted into some of these positions where I have to also make sure that my maturity level gets up to that point as well. And in certain situations that I think at the core of me I should have acted better or I should have acted different, I'm not seeing that for myself. So it is a trap.

[Coaching Assistant]

Got it? Yeah. So great that you are recognizing that there's a dissonance between maybe what the situation requires of you and what you are, are bringing to it. Right, we're not bringing to it, but we'll, you know, we'll test it out and see. See whether it is actually a maturity issue or maybe it's a cultural issue or in terms of the organizational context that you're in, who knows? Okay, so tell me, you know, I sort of said, is that the trap you're in? But you tell me what brought you to coaching today?

[Adam]

I think for me, the main thing was I recently was appointed to a senior executive role within my organization. You know, essentially it required me to take on a very expensive portfolio. And unfortunately for me, the support system that typically you would get with such an appointment and the relationships that you need ultimately to culture and to develop with my boss, it wasn't there. I was really questioning whether or not that was me, something that I was doing, whether it's Something I lacked. I wasn't showing up in meetings or overall, whether it was just maybe a matter of style. And I've had relationships with my bosses before that weren't a hundred percent, but you still manage to kind of do the work. But in this new position, there were certain responsibilities that were trusted upon me, and I was required to be a certain person in some of those situations with this dynamic around my. Me and my boss not necessarily having a good relationship, but I should have put that aspect aside and still showed up. And the fact that I didn't show up made me reflect and think, well, why is it that you're acting different in this situation? What ultimately is causing you not to show up? So it kind of felt like, you know, wizard of Oz and I'm the lion who's chasing courage or trying to understand where his courage is, because in that moment, I would have pegged myself to be more courageous. I think, for me, one of the things I have to figure out is, does the context here matter? Is that something that's deep within me that I need to work on to figure out that, or is it just more contextual in the sense that there were other things at play here that really kind of played on the way that I showed up? And that's a part I'm hoping that I can uncover.

[Coaching Assistant]

So the lion is my favorite character, especially in the Wiz.

[Adam]

Yes. Yes.

[Coaching Assistant]

Okay. So let me make sure I grasp the situation. It sounds like up until sort of this chapter in your career, you've been able to manage relationships with your bosses, even if they weren't the best of relationships. Right?

[Adam]

Yeah.

[Coaching Assistant]

Now you're in a situation. Senior role have been accelerated in your career quite quickly, and there seem to be some rough patches with your boss. And at the same time, what you're experiencing is that you're not showing up in certain situations in the way that you would expect yourself to show up.

[Adam]

Yes.

[Coaching Assistant]

Okay. And so the question is, are those two things correlated? Right. Are you being impacted by the relationship with your boss in the way that you're now leading? Which would be new for you, because in the past, you felt like you weren't impacted. You were sort of able to go on and do what you do?

[Adam]

Yes.

[Coaching Assistant]

Okay. And then the question also for you is, am I the problem? Right. Is something happening with me that's causing me to show up the way. And we haven't. We haven't gone into yet how you're showing up, but to show up the way that I show up, you know, as the lion. Right. Or is it because of what's happening around me that is causing me to do it that way?

[Adam]

Yes. Yeah.

[Coaching Assistant]

Okay, so let me give you a little preview before we kind of unpack it. Because you said, is it context? Well, context always matters. You're not leading in a vacuum. And what might make you effective in one context isn't necessarily what's going to make you effective in another context. And so. Yes. Does context matter? Absolutely. Is context the only thing that matters? No. Because you are in that context. Other people are in that context. And so there's a saying, you know, I didn't make this up, but I will repeat it, which is, every dynamic is co created. Okay? Everything is co created, but you're the one sitting in front of me. Not your boss, not your peers, not. I don't have the whole organization here. We'll take that into consideration. But you're the one sitting in front of me. So what we're going to deal with is what is the part that you own in whatever dynamic is happening?

[Adam]

Okay.

[Coaching Assistant]

All right. So do you own the whole thing? Nobody really owns everything. You are operating within a context and you are probably reacting to it, but that is probably part of what you can manage. Okay.

[Adam]

Okay.

[Coaching Assistant]

So you said what didn't meet your expectations is how you showed up in certain situations. What is it about the way that you showed up that didn't align with what you would expect of yourself?

[Adam]

Yeah, so the way that I typically process information is really to kind of see different angles. So key decisions, you know, I kind of run them through these three different scenarios. You know, obviously your optimal scenario, your base case scenario, and then kind of your worst case scenario. And I always make sure that I kind of think about maybe some of the small things, you think about the big things, but then you kind of like, you know, you narrow in on the small things and then really kind of run those things through again, maybe another set of scenarios. So what I was finding was that decisions were being made around me. I was part of that decision making process and I couldn't influence the process in a way that would help the entire room to benefit from looking at these different scenarios or I didn't influence it. I mean, I would interject and really say a few things that would kind of give some of that perspective. But I never really kind of, you know, I typically will stick to my gun and make sure that, okay, guys, you understand we're doing this, right? This is what we're doing. This is one of the potential blowbacks Tell me, how could we deal with this? And that was not happening in these situations. And they were impacting people's lives, they were impacting the organization. And I just felt that I was not really putting my best foot forward, leading. I was almost being influenced either by the process or just kind of, you know, just. Just didn't really show up as. As I typically would really, to kind of allow the best decisions to be made.

[Coaching Assistant]

And why is this. Before we get into it further, why is this bothering you now?

[Adam]

Well, it's bothering me primarily because we were dealing with people's lives. Some of these decisions that we made impacted my staff, and that weighs on me more than anything else. I mean, the numbers. If we excel one year, we don't excel the next year. I can always pull myself from off the ground, but one of the things I struggle with is either disappointing people or people being, I suppose, jaded by the type of leader that I am or the leadership team that I formed part of. So that that, to me, played a significant role on my psyche because I felt like I could have influenced the decisions a lot more.

[Coaching Assistant]

Okay, and so you felt like you could have influenced the decision a lot more. Let's be a little bit more specific. What do you think would have happened if you had acted differently, shown up differently than what you did? What's the different ending to the story?

[Adam]

I think the Hollywood version is that everyone would just come to my perspective and maybe some of those things would have been incorporated. But I see your point.

[Coaching Assistant]

Oh, oh, I didn't make a point. I just asked you a question, Adam.

[Adam]

I was hopeful that in some of those situations, maybe the human element could have been factored into the decisions. And ultimately, maybe the decisions were either more incremental or more employee centric, More thought about the impact of the employee. So in the ideal world, I was hoping that maybe the decision could have been altered in such a way to centrally allow for less of an impact and.

[Coaching Assistant]

Okay, and so that would have been one possibility, right, The Hollywood version, that you would have shown up the way that you expected yourself to. You would have. We haven't, again, gotten into the tactics, but you would have done whatever magical influencing you think you should have done, and there would have been a happily ever after ending and nobody would be disappointed, everybody would be happy, etc. Okay, so that's one version. Is there a version where you could have done the same magical influencing act and there would have been a different ending?

[Adam]

Yes, absolutely.

[Coaching Assistant]

What could that ending be?

[Adam]

The same exact ending that ended up happening.

[Coaching Assistant]

Okay. All right. So I'm pointing this out because I think that it's important not to confuse whether it's the outcome that you're disappointed in, which you're disappointed in the outcome for sure. But whether it's the outcome that you can control or whether it's your way of influencing that you can control. And I think what's happening is you jumped from if only I had shown up a certain way and then you went from that to if I had shown up that way, then X would have happened. Right. The magical happily ever after ending. And that's not necessarily true. It could have, but it also could have not. You don't have that much power. Yeah, sorry. I hate to say it to you. I mean, if you do, tell me because then I'll have you influence everybody I know. Right. You can't guarantee the outcome.

[Adam]

You're absolutely right. And it's funny because I think the latter outcome, I could see that happening much more than the version that I hoped for because like you said, it's essentially influencing the room.

[Muriel Wilkins]

What does the future hold for business?

[Coaching Assistant]

Can someone invent a crystal ball?

[Muriel Wilkins]

Until then, over 40,000 businesses have future.

[Coaching Assistant]

Proofed their business with NetSuite by Oracle.

[Muriel Wilkins]

The One Cloud ERP bringing accounting, financial management, inventory and HR into one platform. With real time insights and forecasting, you're able to peer into the future and seize new opportunities. Download the CFO's guide to AI and machine learning for free at netsuite.com coachingreal leaders that's netsuite.com coachingrealeaders when first approaching this coaching conversation with Adam, it seemed like a large part of his challenge was about the dynamic between him and the leaders of the organization. Whenever I start a coaching session that seems seems to center around interpersonal issues, I like to make it clear. All dynamics between people are co created. But when I'm only coaching one person, that's the only side of the equation we can work on and try to change. This seems like something Adam already understood as he freely spoke about disappointment and regret around his own behavior at work. Without focusing too much on the specific circumstances, it's clear that Adam wishes he had handled certain situations differently. So the first distinction to make was about whether he was disappointed in his own actions, his ability to influence or the outcome. That distinction is important because it helps us focus on what is and isn't in his control. I wanted to dig into how he views influencing a bit more, so we went down that path. As I asked him to define the word.

[Adam]

I suppose for me it's presenting your arguments, your arguments being essentially crisp, data driven, but also having the conviction and the belief in the arguments that I'm making and essentially convincing my peers to go along with something that I'd laid out for them.

[Coaching Assistant]

And so how do you know if you have been successful at influencing or.

[Adam]

Not in the work context it typically renounced to. The committee then makes a decision. So does the committee kind of move in a direction, let's say, for example, opposite to the view that I was proposing. So typically if the committee decides that they're going to go opposite to me, I kind of feel like I missed the mark. If they convinced by my arguments, I've convinced them.

[Coaching Assistant]

All right, so let me offer a little bit of a different way or maybe like parse apart different responsibilities. Right. One responsibility can be influencing something. Influencing the outcome or the process. Let's talk about the process that will get to an outcome. Then there's another responsibility, which is the decision making responsibility.

[Adam]

Yeah.

[Coaching Assistant]

The decision making responsibility has how much control over the outcome?

[Adam]

I think a significant portion.

[Coaching Assistant]

Yeah, yeah, right. Like whoever decides, I mean, they're the ones saying we are doing this or we're doing that. The influencing responsibility has how much control over the outcome?

[Adam]

Significantly less, probably. Definitely in the minority.

[Coaching Assistant]

Definitely less. You know to what degree? I don't know, but less than the decision maker. So what I'm hearing is you weren't the decision maker.

[Adam]

No.

[Coaching Assistant]

You were the influencer. And yet you are placing the same success criteria on what I would see for a decision maker. Did I make the right decision or not? Right. It's pure. I can see it. If I say yes, then that is 100%. If I say no, then it goes in the other direction versus influencing, which is more about increasing the chances that someone or people will go in your direction. It's more about the effort that you place in that process rather than the actual outcome. So is there a scenario where you have been able to look at yourself over the span of your career where you said, you know what? I believe I did the best that I could in terms of influencing the outcome, even though it didn't go my way?

[Adam]

Yeah, I have plenty of examples like that. Like that.

[Coaching Assistant]

You have plenty of examples. Okay, so what is the difference here?

[Adam]

I suppose it's the seniority in my level. I worked as an analyst where my decisions essentially I would have to take my, my recommendations to committee. I would essentially make recommendations. I would work long hours and make my case. But ultimately, many times portfolio managers would go the other way. But in this instance, it just kind of feel itself to me like there was a lot more riding on my ability to influence.

[Coaching Assistant]

All right, so. Which is fine. I think it's just. Let's be clear. You didn't own the decision, though.

[Adam]

No.

[Coaching Assistant]

All right, so now let's go back to the. If there was room, if you feel like I actually could have done more. Right. There was more to be done in influencing that maybe would have swayed the decision. Let's go back to that to see what that is. So you said earlier on that I couldn't influence the decision, and then you said I didn't influence the decision. Which one do you believe it is? Is it that you couldn't influence in the way that you think you should or that you didn't influence in the way you should?

[Adam]

I would say it definitely didn't, because couldn't would mean that there was no discussion, no forum. That wasn't what I was trying to say, certainly is that I didn't. So there was a forum where, you know, like you said, decisions were being discussed, but I didn't.

[Coaching Assistant]

Okay. And when I hear the difference between couldn't and didn't you tell me if that resonates with you. When I hear I could not do this, I think about I don't have the capability to do it. Right. I couldn't ride that bike because I don't know how to ride a bike.

[Adam]

Right.

[Coaching Assistant]

I didn't ride the bike. Inherent in that, to me is a choice. It's. I know how to ride a bike, but I didn't do it. For whatever reason, I didn't ride the bike today in this particular case, what is it that you recognize you didn't do that you could have done?

[Adam]

Yeah. So I think for me, certainly, I feel like I wasn't passionate about why I felt there should have been other alternatives, options being considered. So that's one, two. To be candid, I would say I wasn't prepared to really kind of think through. Okay. So if somebody counters on a point, you know, have you thought about, you know, what your response might have been to anything or if somebody raises a question around information you're providing, I may have been somewhat under prepared and was probably relying more so on, you know, just really hoping to influence the process, maybe out of goodness of people's heart, really just, you know, here's. Here's my view. It's a very humble view. So I wasn't as methodical as I should have been in presenting my case.

[Coaching Assistant]

Yeah. So I'm gonna rename it a little bit and say you weren't being strategic. Okay. You were sort of using magical thinking, which is, of course, people are gonna think with the goodness of their hearts, or of course they're gonna think the way that I think. So there's a bit of a strategy part of this, which is the preparation. How do I approach this based on where the context is, how people are going to respond, and when you name those two things in terms of what you didn't do was be as passionate about why you felt the other scenarios should be considered more, and you didn't prepare to a place where you could respond to some of the other arguments that were being made. What got in the way of those two things?

[Adam]

There is a lot of context to the decision that was being taken. There were a lot of context to that. And what I mean by that is that, you know, you mentioned these decisions don't happen in a void. There was this feeling that the decision was biased towards a different group of people, which I didn't necessarily have to do context of that. So I wasn't as passionate as to say, if I had hadn't that information, I would have been a lot more passionate to the impact that it would have had on the psyche of staff. That's. Over time. I learned that as the decision then kind of, you know, essentially led to a lot of low back. I would say this goes back to the relationship with my boss. I wasn't really afforded the opportunity to prepare for the meeting. We sat down and here was a decision. I essentially was reading from a piece of paper. So I. I wasn't prepared in this sense, but I'm usually sharp. Usually pretty sharp. I can, you know, 30 seconds. I could. I could quickly triangulate and get to some point, but I just. I wasn't prepared in that context.

[Coaching Assistant]

All right, I know this is hindsight 20 20. Is there anything that you feel like you could have done differently in spite of not having the full story, the context. Right. That would have given you more information to go on regarding the scenarios, as well as being sort of called in an ad hoc way to participate in this meeting? Is there anything that you feel you could have done differently?

[Adam]

Yeah, I could have voiced my discomfort around that. Like you said, it's hindsight. But certainly I need to at least know that I don't have all the things that I need to make a decision. And if I can't make a decision, I can be part of the meeting. Therefore, can you give me Some more time to maybe sit with this information and then we could reconvene where I, you know, I maybe am more armed with some information or had more time to kind of deliberate. So maybe I should have voiced my discomfort at that moment that I am not as prepared for this meeting as the other people, because I was just brought in and I really don't have the context behind how this could impact staff morale.

[Coaching Assistant]

In that moment when you were in the meeting, did you feel that discomfort?

[Adam]

I certainly felt it. When it came to the moves that were made essentially regarding the employees, I felt that, okay, I don't understand the full picture. So there was a discomfort there. I didn't have the issues around the context. I just operated from the premise that, okay, well, you know, this is something that's either grounded in employees performance or it's grounded in really some metric that we're using. I really didn't have the context behind it. I was struggling to understand some of the moves that were being made. So there was certainly some element of discomfort there.

[Coaching Assistant]

Okay. And I know we're speaking in hindsight, but, Adam, this won't be the last time you feel discomfort and a struggle. So we're going to extrapolate from this more to inform in the future. Okay.

[Adam]

Okay.

[Coaching Assistant]

So you felt some discomfort. You were struggling with a little. You started to be like, like what. What is happening? And you had said, I'm pretty quick. Like, I'm usually able to put two and two together. Quick wasn't quite happening. And so how did you respond to that discomfort that you were feeling?

[Adam]

I didn't. And I just kind of went along with ultimately what was being opposed. I kind of suppressed it, I suppose. I just. I chose to go along with the group as opposed to really embrace that discomfort that I was having, which most cases, it's usually signaling something that I should pay attention to.

[Coaching Assistant]

And how did that serve you to go along with the group?

[Adam]

It. It did not serve.

[Coaching Assistant]

I mean, but there must be a reason you went along with the group. Like, what. What was your reason for going along with the group?

[Adam]

Sure. Yeah. It served me in the sense that again, I'm building this relationship with this boss who, you know, we've kind of had a distant relationship. It did serve me in a sense that it caused me not to have friction, further friction with my boss.

[Coaching Assistant]

And how did it not serve you?

[Adam]

One, it impacted a lot of my employees. And then I think from my standpoint, personally, it didn't sit well with me because again, it wasn't the the thing that has guided me through my career so far, relationship based, you know, thinking things through multiple kind of different scenarios. It was kind of against everything or that has worked for me so far. So there was a real impact in terms of the impact my staff, my employees. But then also personally, there was. There was a sense that I kind of betrayed the things that have worked pretty well for me in terms of my career.

[Coaching Assistant]

So I just want to pull back for a sec. Okay. Because I'm seeing sort of three things. Visually, there's the outcome, which is how the people are impacted, which again, as we said, we don't know which direction that would have gone in one way or the other. Then there's your boss, and there's been friction there, and you didn't want to exacerbate the friction. You wanted to kind of serve that relationship. And then there's the relationship with yourself, which is what you believe. Your voice, your values, your conviction. And I think in the moment what happened, or what it sounds like is happening, you tell me, is in order to keep the relationship intact, you took your voice out of the picture.

[Adam]

Yes.

[Coaching Assistant]

You used the word betrayed. Right. You betrayed your own values and your own voice in order to seemingly. Right. I'm using like quotation fingers. Make the other person. Okay, yeah. Right. So there's a dissonance that happens there. So my question for you is, what would it have looked like for you to have your voice in the room and maintain the relationship with your boss, not exacerbate the relationship with your boss, because it's already a little, you know, tense. Right. So not exacerbate it. You said you like scenarios, so this is a scenario. What would that scenario have looked like?

[Adam]

Yeah, so it would have looked, I think, like me presenting, again, presenting the way that I process information or make decisions, essentially. Maybe asking him, maybe. Before we quickly jump to make a decision on this, let me understand a couple of things so that I have a better understanding and that I can probably put forward my views on it. And then I would have presented some of the scenarios and really asked his views, well, how would you handle this? How would you handle that situation? And then voice my views, but then also say, look, ultimately decision sits with you, but ultimately these are my views, and it's not meant to be personal in any way. This is what I think.

[Coaching Assistant]

Okay, so if you had shown up in that way and the outcome had still been the same, meaning, you know, whatever the people impact was, it still happened, but you had shown up in that way, would we be having this conversation today?

[Adam]

I don't think so. I think I would probably be a lot more settled than myself because. Well, because I, I would have articulated and I would have not betrayed my process and I would have at least given him support to be able to make a decision without him feeling that I'm trying to undermine it.

[Coaching Assistant]

Yeah. Okay, so you would have been holding both agendas, right?

[Adam]

Yeah.

[Coaching Assistant]

Versus abandoning yours for the sake of the other or for the sake of the organization.

[Adam]

Right.

[Coaching Assistant]

I mean, you could replace boss with any number of things. The organization, your team, your peers, your spouse.

[Adam]

Right.

[Coaching Assistant]

Oh, you're laughing. I hit a nerve there, huh? Okay, so like, let's talk about that. Like, is this the first time that.

[Muriel Wilkins]

You have felt like you have had.

[Coaching Assistant]

To betray again, using your word, sort of subdue your own voice or kind of abandon your way or your voice or your agenda in order to not exacerbate or maintain the relationship?

[Adam]

No, it certainly happened before. Like you said it. I mean, there's so many different dynamics there. You, you do it all the time in, you know, happily married, you know, I have beautiful kids. Yeah. Many times I want to go, you know, hiking on a mountain, you know, and watch the stars and moon. But, you know, you have to end up in a all inclusive, you know, resort eating processed food, you know, but not processed food. So it's, it's. I suppose it's a sacrifice. I, it's happened a number of times. Yeah, it's happened in personal life, it's happened in work. There are many situations previously in work where you kind of have to go along with ultimately the decision of the team and kind of put your views to the side just to maintain team harmony. But none of it ever felt essentially so impactful. Like none of those decisions ever felt like they had such a knock on effect on people's lives.

[Coaching Assistant]

Yeah. And so the level to which you're willing to, again using your term sacrifice, may be related to what's at stake. Right. Maybe the sacrifice doesn't sting as much when what's at stake doesn't hit a core value of yours. In this case, you mentioned that, hey, at the core of leadership. I mean, we're going back to the beginning of our conversation. You said in the core of leadership for you, it's all about relationship and people and bringing out the best in people. And so when you're in situations where what's at stake is the very thing that you see at the core and center of your leadership, how much are you willing to give up for the sake of the relationship is the question. So when I say that, how does that resonate with you?

[Adam]

I mean, it certainly resonates. I think you're absolutely right. There's, there's certainly severity. It felt like to this decision and the part that I think hits home the most and maybe that's why I'm using words like betrayed and it just felt like the opposite of what I believe in. Yeah, it certainly feels like when there's a lot more at stake, especially as relates to the core of what I believe in as a leader, that I'm maybe not as flexible or maybe I can't live with myself if I don't stick to my core values in that situation. And it's something that is just kind of eaten away at me.

[Coaching Assistant]

You've worked hard to get to where you are, but what's next? Strawberry Me Career coaching helps mid career professionals like you take the next big step with confidence. They'll match you with a certified career coach who understands your goals and challenges. This isn't just advice, it's a personalized, results driven approach to uncover hidden strengths, overcome obstacles, and accelerate your career growth. Take the next step Today visit Strawberry Me HBR to claim your $50 credit. That's Strawberry Me HBR.

[Muriel Wilkins]

All kinds of examples and stories tend to come up in coaching conversations, and they're important because they can help us work through how we feel about certain interactions and start positioning how we might want to behave differently. But it's often less about the moment itself and more about what it reflects back to the person I'm coaching. As I point out, it won't be the last time Adam will feel discomfort in his work. But as he starts to grow into his newish leadership role, it's important for him to recognize these moments of discomfort and think about different paths he could have taken. Adam's major challenge here is finding a way to not betray his own voice at a time when he's worried about ruffling feathers with key stakeholders. It's about being able to hold multiple agendas at once, which is an essential skill leaders need to have, no matter what company they work at or what boss they have. After having Adam talk through the specific reasons why he was feeling negatively about this particular outcome, I wanted to circle back to an idea he brought up earlier in the maturity.

[Coaching Assistant]

Adam, you started off by saying, is it a question of maturity? Actually, what you're demonstrating is maturity, which is that you know yourself well enough and know what you stand for. That when you don't stand behind it, it. You can't just be blase about it because it matters. That is a level of maturity. I think where you are is, am I willing to take the actions required to stand and protect and do all the things according to my, my values or to what I believe? Right. And that as a leader, the greater you are in scope, the more the responsibility, the more of those types of decisions will come up. And yeah, that's the reality of it. And there's never a perfect answer. So that is the, you know, when we look at sort of leadership competencies, the competencies are the competencies of, like, standing alone, courage, being able to act with integrity. Okay. So it's not surprising that you're feeling what you're feeling. I think now it's okay. So when you do feel those things, because when I asked you, hey, did you feel uncomfortable? Then you were like, yeah, right. What do you do with it? Do you ignore it? Do you sit with it, say, I'm not going to do one thing or the other, or do you act on it? Those are all choices.

[Adam]

And maybe to help me process that a little bit more, you know, these decisions, they. Sometimes they're, you know, flashing a fan. You have to make a call. And when you, you know, when you get that discomfort, sometimes it takes a little bit more time to kind of think through at the core of it. So is. Is it, is it muscle memory? Does this then serve as my, as my guide forward that I'm always going to refer to whenever I have one of these issues that will allow me to then kind of take myself out of that situation, think about it and make sure that I speak up. Or is it just like a, you know, flip of a coin and you kind of have to decide in that moment?

[Coaching Assistant]

Yeah, I think it's probably someplace in the middle, Right. In that when you had the discomfort, it wasn't telling you. It's just like, if. Okay, I'm going to give you an example. That happens a little too often in our house. Right. It's like when the smoke alarm goes off in our house.

[Adam]

Yeah.

[Coaching Assistant]

We don't automatically run out of the house because the house is on fire. You know, like, smoke alarm's going off, we're run out. No, we're like, the smoke alarm is going off. Let's assess the situation. And what choices do we have right now? Do we stay? Do we try to get the smoke down? Do we call the fire department? Do we leave the house? The smoke is analogous to your level of discomfort. You, you're getting the smoke signals. Okay, so there is no rule book of you got the smoke signals. This is what you do. It's you get the smoke signals and then you assess the situation and what.

[Muriel Wilkins]

Choices are at your disposal.

[Coaching Assistant]

And most times in our house, when the smoke alarm goes off, it's because somebody's cooking, usually me. Right. And didn't turn on the vent. Or somebody's taking a shower and opened the door and didn't turn on the air circulation in the bathroom. The smoke comes billowing out of the. Of the bathroom. Right. That's the kids. But you get what I'm saying. So if you're feeling that feeling of discomfort which you say you can recognize, some people can't even recognize that. So we're like, let's just start there. But you say you recognize it, you feel it.

[Adam]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Coaching Assistant]

If that is the smoke alarm, what choices do you then have?

[Adam]

Assess the situation. Like you said, think through the options that I have. I think at the core of it, make sure that I articulate my inner voice. Maybe not let the process rush me too quickly. Ultimately, sometimes you have to make decision, but I think make sure that you articulate your inner voice and really forget about the. Not forget about the outcome, but realize that you can't control the outcome.

[Coaching Assistant]

Yeah, you don't forget about the outcome. You just say, what is the outcome? Number one. Because to be honest, even though you said in that, you know, the situation that we've been using to illustrate all this, even though you said, hey, the outcome was to influence for the people impact, the way that you acted was more aligned with the outcome of preserving the relationship with your boss. That actually is what drove your action. So I think a big piece of this is also, do you have clarity around what the outcome is, that you're looking to drive and being really honest with yourself around that? Because sometimes the outcome is I want to preserve relationship or I want to, you know, I want to make whatever this group of people happy, the other uber outcome, not that important, etc. So I'm going to put that as the number one priority. You know, it's like competing priorities.

[Adam]

Right, Right.

[Coaching Assistant]

And that's what was happening here.

[Adam]

Right.

[Coaching Assistant]

But the way you acted was more aligned with the priority of the relationship between you and your boss. Was that intentional?

[Adam]

No, certainly not. I don't think that that. And again, I want to be fair to my prior self as well, but I don't think I was.

[Coaching Assistant]

And we're often not. And that's where the. You said you weren't Prepared Like, I think some of these things don't happen just in the room. Right. It's not like you came in the room and all of a sudden said, oh my gosh, I want to preserve the relationship with my boss. There had been things accumulating.

[Adam]

Yeah.

[Coaching Assistant]

And so one of the things in terms of maturing as a leader is being clear about what the priorities are, knowing that they're all important but what supersedes what, so that when the moment comes, you can make decisions based on those priorities. Okay.

[Adam]

Yeah.

[Coaching Assistant]

So number one, smoke signal goes off. Right. Assess the situation. What outcome am I driving to here? What is the priority which is aligned with what's at stake? Just because you're saying something is super important, which is what you said, the people impact is super important. Core value of mine does not mean that you are automatically going to make it the priority. And that's where the misalignment was here.

[Adam]

Right, Right.

[Coaching Assistant]

I mean, how many times do people say, I'm really talking about myself here, My health is so important to me. And then when I prioritize my meal, I'm prioritizing, you know, the chocolate chip cookie over the carrots.

[Adam]

Yes, totally. Totally carrots.

[Coaching Assistant]

You get it. So the assessment, what's important, what's at stake is that what I'm prioritizing today, and sometimes you don't prioritize it, sometimes you prioritize something else, and that's okay. Just be clear about what it is that you're prioritizing and then your actions should be aligned with the priority. So there was misalignment here.

[Adam]

Yeah.

[Coaching Assistant]

So going back to your question around, okay, so what do I do in those situations? Did they happen quickly and is it muscle memory? I think what you do is you take it from this being a very unconscious, magical things are just going to happen in an ideal way to how do I approach every situation, particularly ones where something is of high stakes in a much more conscious, strategic, mindful way?

[Adam]

Yes. I'm definitely taking away the words kind of strategic and mindful because certainly the aspect around the prioritization of oftentimes a lot of competing initiatives, things that are going to be impacted. It is the constant decisions that we have to face every single day as leaders. And I think as long as I conscious about what I'm placing before I think I can sleep well at night. But suppose maybe in this instance I felt one should have been placed before the other and I was living in a sense of discomfort there. So I get that framework and it's certainly One that I think probably will help me improve as a leader.

[Coaching Assistant]

What aspect do you think will be the improvement?

[Adam]

I think for me, certainly be able to kind of quickly realize in some of those situations, essentially, that inner. The alarm that you're referring to, you know, kind of how. How do I assess the situation in that scenarios, and to quickly realize that, okay, there's. There's some kind of decision here that's happening internally, and don't shut down as a leader because, you know, your discomfort, you have some level of discomfort, but also don't immediately switch the other side, figure out, like, what of these two, what is the most important priority? And then it just. I think it just allows me to then move on and, you know, kind of continuing to develop myself without having this kind of inner conflict around. Whether or not I betrayed my core values in a way or. Or anything like that, it just will allow me to kind of grow.

[Coaching Assistant]

All right.

[Muriel Wilkins]

And so I know that we lasered.

[Coaching Assistant]

In on this one particular situation, but I think this particular situation and the reason that you even brought it up is because part of leading is that you are going to have external conflict, right? Conflict with the other, and you're also going to have inner conflict where you are debating within yourself what direction to go in. Most people focus on the external conflict. I'll be honest with you. So it is a different level of maturity to be able to get to a place where, okay, I'm actually experiencing an inner conflict, which is completely fine. The goal is not to never have inner conflict. You're gonna have inner conflict. If you pay attention, you know, for the rest of today about how many times you experience inner conflict, you'll see, you know, I mean, I don't know, maybe it's not true, maybe it's just me, but it's constant.

[Adam]

Every time I look at a menu, it is like inner conflict, right?

[Coaching Assistant]

Every time I decide whether I should go on social media or not, there's an inner conflict because there's not even a decision. The conflict just, you know, social media wins right away. So it is. It's a natural tension to have. The more that's at stake, probably the more you will feel the tension, and it's okay. And that becomes your signal, huh? I probably need to be a little more strategic right now. I probably need to be a little more mindful, right? There's a saying in the leadership world, and I'm forgetting the author. I'll come back to you with it, but he would talk about, you need to go up on the Balcony. And as a leader, you go up on the balcony so that you can see what's happening. And once you can see what's happening and you get some distance from it, you have a better chance of being able to resolve the situation or get to a resolution versus when you're actually in it. Okay, so when you get that smoke signal, it's your signal to say, huh, let me kind of assess what's happening, what's at stake, and what choices do I have right now? What's at stake? What are my priorities? Given that, what choices do I have? What choice am I going to make? Okay.

[Adam]

Okay.

[Coaching Assistant]

And if you can't and you feel.

[Muriel Wilkins]

You need more time, then you say.

[Coaching Assistant]

Hey, this isn't a decision I can make right now. That's part of your choice, you know?

[Adam]

All right.

[Coaching Assistant]

But it all depends on what's at stake and what's the risk.

[Adam]

Okay.

[Coaching Assistant]

Okay. Okay. So your question coming in was.

[Adam]

You told me I wanted to know if I was lacking courage or. You know, there was. There was something that was missing in terms of my level of maturity. But I think, as you've explained it, there's a lot of maturity that's there. It's just. You know, sometimes it's just wrestling with somebody's issues internally that leads to that sense of discomfort.

[Coaching Assistant]

I mean, the lion had the courage all along.

[Adam]

He did. He did.

[Coaching Assistant]

He did.

[Adam]

He did. Yes. You know, so I think it's probably after that, I took that because there's. There's so many sub meanings to that. But, you know, it just. It's something that just kind of came to mind as a child. I. I love that movie, and I think you're a lot more profound than the actual wizard that you were chasing. But certainly, I think you're able to really just kind of uncover what the true issue was. And it was. I think, from my perspective, maybe. Maybe I was a little too hard on myself. But I'm sure that you've given me the clarity to really understand the framework that I need to operate in as a leader, as my career kind of excels, to make better decisions. And not only that, to be able to kind of live with those decisions that I make, which is very helpful.

[Coaching Assistant]

Amazing. So your homework is to watch the Wiz and report back to me with, what did you observe? Okay, I'm gonna watch it too. I'm inspired now. I'm gonna watch it too. All right, listen, it was a pleasure.

[Adam]

Thank you so much.

[Muriel Wilkins]

The challenge Adam was facing at work was layered. There were ways he didn't feel like he was showing up as a leader, but he also had conflicting priorities between doing what he needed to do to maintain relationships versus what he saw as doing the right thing for his team. It's important to remember that when you are not the decision maker in a scenario, no matter how senior the role, all you can do is try to influence outcomes are not completely under your control, but you can increase the chances that something will go your way. By the end of the conversation, Adam had also unearthed the inner computer conflict he was facing in these interactions with his boss. It was an important step to remember his core values and begin to redefine what good leadership means to him without sacrificing those values. At the end of the day, it seems like Adam found his voice. He reached out a few months after our coaching session to let me know he had been promoted to an even more senior role. That's it for this episode of Coaching Real Leaders. Next time.

[Adam]

While I was just getting promoted and.

[Coaching Assistant]

I'm starting to work how I'm going to manage the team, people are resigning and I need to to maintain them.

[Adam]

So actually I lost half of my.

[Coaching Assistant]

Team in in actually a couple of.

[Adam]

Months and it was a big struggle.

[Coaching Assistant]

For me at that time.

[Muriel Wilkins]

I have a really important ask of you if you love the Coaching conversations on Coaching Real Leaders, it would mean the world to me if you could head over to Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen to, subscribe to the show and leave a five star review. And of course if you think others would learn from these episodes, please share it with them. If you want more of Coaching Real Leaders, join my community where I host live discussions to unpack every every episode and answer your questions. Become a [e-mail] you can also connect with me on LinkedIn at Muriel Wilkins. Thanks to my producer Mary Dew, sound editor Nick Krinko, music composer Brian Campbell, my assistant Emily Sofa and the entire team at hbr. Much gratitude to the leaders who join me in these coaching conversations and to you, our listeners who share in their journeys. If you're dealing with a leadership challenge, I'd love to hear from you and possibly have you on the show. [e-mail] from HBR Podcast Network. I'm Muriel Wilkins. Until next time, be well.