You Aren't Asking For Help, And That's Why You're Failing. - The Art & Business of Writing Podcast with Nicolas Cole

Summary

Podcast Summary: "You Aren't Asking For Help, And That's Why You're Failing."

Podcast Information:

Title: Coffee With Cole: The Digital Writing Podcast
Host/Author: Nicolas Cole
Description: Weekly deep dives into the Art & Business of Digital Writing, Ghostwriting, & Self-Publishing
Episode: You Aren't Asking For Help, And That's Why You're Failing.
Release Date: February 28, 2025

1. Introduction

In the episode titled "You Aren't Asking For Help, And That's Why You're Failing," host Nicolas Cole delves into a fundamental barrier that many individuals face in their personal and professional growth: the reluctance to seek assistance. Cole articulates how this simple yet profound issue hampers progress, stifles joy in endeavors, and prevents individuals from advancing to higher levels of success.

2. The Core Issue: Reluctance to Ask for Help

Cole begins by asserting the episode's central thesis:

"You aren't asking for help, and that is why you're failing. It is so simple." [00:05]

He observes that across various facets of life, those who struggle to make progress or find fulfillment often share a common trait: they hesitate to seek help. This reluctance stems from fears such as feeling ashamed, fearing judgment, or believing that asking for help signifies incompetence.

3. Personal Anecdote: A Lesson from an Event

To illustrate his point, Cole recounts a personal story from an event he attended a couple of years prior:

"I went to an event a couple years ago, and I went with a friend... he said, you know, you should talk to Cole. Cole's doing all of the things that you want to do. And this guy that I had met was really interested in starting to write on the Internet..." [00:30]

At this event, Cole met an individual eager to delve into online writing and digital product development. Despite having an hour to share his expertise, Cole found the interaction frustrating as the individual consistently failed to ask meaningful questions. Instead of seeking guidance, the person either:

Displayed Intelligence: By outlining what he already knew, perhaps attempting to signal his own smarts.
Expressed Doubts: Listing reasons why he couldn’t proceed, entrenched in faulty beliefs about platform viability and audience building.

"Instead of asking questions and soaking up an unfathomable amount of free knowledge, he was just like, here's everything I know so you can see how smart I am, and here's all the reasons why I can't." [12:45]

This encounter left Cole puzzled and disappointed, highlighting a broader issue he frequently observes: people prefer to assert rather than seek help.

4. Common Obstacles: Fear, Shame, and Faulty Beliefs

Cole identifies several reasons why individuals avoid asking for help:

Fear of Judgment: Concern that others might perceive them as incompetent or unintelligent.
Shame: Feeling embarrassed about their lack of knowledge or progress.
Faulty Beliefs: Convincing themselves that asking for help is a sign of weakness or that help is unavailable or ineffective.

These barriers collectively contribute to a stagnation that prevents individuals from overcoming challenges and achieving their goals.

5. The Power of Asking Questions and Genuine Curiosity

Contrasting the negative example, Cole shares his approach to fostering meaningful connections and mentorships:

"I just asked for help. I have no ego about it. Every time I met someone smarter than me... I constantly ask: What questions can I ask? Who are you? What do you know that I might not know." [20:15]

He emphasizes the importance of genuine curiosity and active listening over self-promotion. By prioritizing questions and demonstrating a sincere desire to learn, Cole has been able to attract invaluable mentors and build enriching relationships.

6. Attracting Mentors: Strategies for Success

Cole outlines effective strategies to attract and maintain mentorships:

Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage mentors to share their knowledge and experiences.

"Instead of asking them to talk about themselves so you can signal how much you know, just ask for guidance and listen." [25:50]
Listen Actively: Demonstrate genuine interest by paying attention and absorbing the information shared.

"Best advice a mentor ever gave me is, Cole, shut up. Like, shut up and listen." [28:30]
Show Humility: Approach potential mentors with humility and a willingness to learn, rather than boasting about your own achievements.
Be Respectful of Their Time: Value the assistance being offered without expecting more than what is given.

Through these practices, individuals can create meaningful connections and receive guidance that propels them forward.

7. Overcoming the Ego: The Key to Receiving Help

A recurring theme in Cole's discussion is the role of ego in hindering progress. He highlights that ego-driven conversations—where one seeks to prove their intelligence rather than seek assistance—are counterproductive. Instead, suppressing the ego and focusing on learning can unlock doors to untapped opportunities and knowledge.

"A mentor's conclusion is, either, well, you're not teachable or you don't need my help if you already know so much." [22:10]

By prioritizing humility and curiosity, individuals position themselves as eligible candidates for mentorship, thereby enhancing their chances of success.

8. The Abundance of Available Help

Cole reassures listeners that help is more accessible than they realize. He points out that many people around one already possess the knowledge and experience needed to assist, but these resources remain untapped due to the reluctance to ask.

"There are a lot of people around you that can help you. You probably know them, but you're missing the opportunity because you're not asking and you're not asking for help." [30:00]

He encourages listeners to recognize and seize these opportunities by reaching out and engaging with those who can provide valuable insights and support.

9. Conclusion: Embrace the Power of Asking

In wrapping up the episode, Cole reiterates the profound impact that asking for help can have on one's journey towards success and fulfillment. He emphasizes that:

Many people are willing to help if approached correctly.
Asking should be coupled with genuine listening to maximize the benefits of the assistance received.
Overcoming the fear and shame of seeking help is a crucial step towards personal and professional growth.

"People want to help you, but you have to ask, and you have to be willing to listen." [35:20]

By adopting this mindset, listeners can unlock their potential and navigate challenges more effectively.

Key Takeaways:

Reluctance to Ask for Help: A significant barrier to success lies in the unwillingness to seek assistance.
Overcoming Fear and Shame: Addressing internal fears and faulty beliefs is essential for growth.
Effective Communication: Prioritize asking questions and active listening over self-promotion.
Building Mentorships: Genuine curiosity and humility attract meaningful mentorships.
Accessibility of Help: Recognize that help is often available within one's existing network.
Ego Suppression: Minimizing ego fosters better learning and relationship-building.

Notable Quotes:

"You aren't asking for help, and that is why you're failing. It is so simple." [00:05]
"Best advice a mentor ever gave me is, Cole, shut up. Like, shut up and listen." [28:30]
"People want to help you, but you have to ask, and you have to be willing to listen." [35:20]

This episode serves as a compelling reminder of the transformative power of seeking help and the importance of fostering genuine, humble connections in both personal and professional spheres. By internalizing Cole's insights, listeners can overcome the barriers that impede their progress and embrace a more collaborative and successful path forward.

Transcript

A (0:05)

You aren't asking for help, and that is why you're failing. It is so simple. But it is something I have observed all across my life. All of the people I know that are struggling to make progress, that are struggling to find joy in what they do, that are struggling to get out of whatever level they're stuck at and get to the next level. All. All of it is rooted in the fact that they don't ask for help. Either they're afraid to ask for help, or they feel shame around asking for help, or they feel like if they ask for help, then people are going to think they're stupid or whatever the faulty belief is. And I want to tell you a quick story that really exemplified this for me. So I went to an event a couple years ago, and I went with a friend, and. And I remember meeting this guy, and he knew my friend. I didn't know him, but my friend introduced us and he. He said, you know, you should talk to Cole. Cole's doing all of the things that you want to do. And this guy that I had met was really interested in starting to write on the Internet. And he was also really interested in building and launching digital products. And, you know, I didn't say, well, I've sold millions of dollars of digital products, you know, but my friend, the way he introduced us was like, you should talk to Cole. He. He would be able to help you. And the three of us spent probably an hour together at this event. And every time, you know, I love sharing what I know. I love helping other people. I am. I don't know what it is. I'm just wired for. I would way rather, instead of talking about the weather, I would way rather someone ask me questions or I ask them questions. And we learn from each other and we trade knowledge. And, you know, like, I. I need mental stimulation. I'm like a border collie, and I would way rather have. Have that. And so we were hanging out for like an hour, and I just kept trying to nudge the conversation, being like, what do you want to know? Like, how can I help you? I'm bored at this event. I would love to talk about something that I'm interested in, you know, and over and over and over again, this guy, no matter how many times I prompted it, he would say two things. He would either tell me all the things he already knew because he was in some way trying to signal, like, here's how smart I am, or he would tell me all the reasons why he can't do the thing that I could Tell him how to do, like, all the faulty beliefs, all the reasons why, like, platforms are broken these days, and it's so hard to build an audience. And, you know, I have all these ideas, but. But, like, so it was always one of those two things. And I would try to, you know, just very subtly, like, point out, hey, you know, that's a faulty belief, or, you know, I don't think that that's necessarily true, or, I have a great framework for that. And he had no. No interest. Or I would say something and he would just go, huh, okay. And then clearly not retain any of it. And I thought it was so interesting to walk away from that experience and go, you know, this guy wanted to do the very thing that I've been doing for a decade, and he had an hour for free with me. I'm not saying I'm the smartest person in the world, but, like, you have an hour with someone who has done the exact thing that you're trying to do. And instead of asking questions and instead of soaking up an unfathomable amount of free knowledge, like, I am happy to share anything I know with anyone. I don't believe in, like, withholding. And instead, he was just like, here's everything I know so you can see how smart I am, and here's all the reasons why I can't. And I thought that was so interesting. It was a very jarring experience for me. And I left the event just like, well, you know, good luck. And he was like, yeah, see you. It was so great talking. I was like, we didn't talk about anything, but okay. And I continue to see that same pattern with so many people is instead of just asking, they want to tell you. They want to tell you here's what I know, or they want to tell you here's why I can't. And when I look at some of the, you know, I've been really fortunate to attract some really incredible mentors into my life and to be able to have some really cool experiences and be in rooms that are way above my pay grade. And whenever I reflect on those experiences, the common through line is that I just asked. I just asked for help. And I. And I tried my best to have no ego about it. Every time I've met someone that is smarter than me or knows something that I don't, or even someone that's dumber and less successful, like, I still, as my grandma would say, you can learn something from everyone. I am just constantly, what questions can I ask? Who are you? What do you know that I might not know. And over and over and over again, whenever I am just in a room with someone and I ask them questions, they're like, wow, you genuinely want to know. You're genuinely listening. Why don't you come with me? Why don't you meet all of my friends? Why don't you come to my dinner party? Why don't you come over here and check out what I'm doing? Just because I'm genuinely interested. And it's almost so simple that it's a superpower where you would be shocked how many people actually want to help you and actually want to give you the knowledge that you're looking for. You just have to ask them. And when you ask them, don't ask them. So then as soon as they're finished talking, you can say, and look at how much I know. That's not how you attract a mentor. A mentor. If you go to someone and say, look at how much I know, the mentor's conclusion is, either, well, you're not teachable and. Or if you already know so much, then you don't need my help. And how I've attracted such incredible mentors is that I go to them and I'm like, I have no idea. I don't know anything about that. Start at the beginning. Tell me everything. And that. Genuine interest and genuine curiosity and no ego about it. And I have no desire to signal. Look at how much I know about it. Like, that's, what a waste of time with this person that clearly knows more than me. So this is just one of those hot bucket, hot button topics for me. There are a lot of people in your life right now that have the answers that you're looking for. There are a lot of people around you that can help you. There are a lot of people who know how to do the exact thing that you want to do, and they are reachable, they are accessible. You probably know them, but you're missing the opportunity, and you're not seeing it because you're not asking and you're not asking for help. And if you do ask for help, what you're probably doing is you're waiting for them to stop talking so that you can signal how much you know. And that is one of the biggest mistakes that you can make. People want to help you, but you have to ask, and you have to be willing to listen. Best advice a mentor ever gave me is, cole, shut up. Like, shut up and listen. Stop talking. And you would be astounded how much people are willing to divulge if you just stop talking.