Best of 2025 Pt. 4

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: Best of 2025 Pt. 4

Podcast: Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast
Host: Scott Aukerman
Episode: Best of 2025 Part 4
Release Date: January 1, 2026

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Episode Overview

In the fourth and final installment of the Comedy Bang Bang “Best of 2025” series, Scott Aukerman and Paul F. Tompkins guide listeners through the top three episodes of the year as voted by fans. They celebrate the show’s 15th year, discuss the show’s enduring influence, and share their trademark banter, inside jokes, and meta-commentary on both the format of the podcast and the comedy world at large. Along the way, they revisit fan-favorite characters, dissect comedic traditions (like Wet Day), and hand out affectionate jabs to both themselves and their community. The tone is playful, self-deprecating, and collaborative, with an improvisational spirit running through both their discussions and the episode clips.

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Key Discussion Points and Episode Segments

1. Banter & Meta-Humor about the “Best Of” Format

[01:54–06:22]

• In classic CBB style, Scott and Paul riff on the absurdity of multi-part year-end lists:

  "Normally, if you're seeing the top 100 albums of the year on a website, it'll just be one page? Yeah. These guys break something into four things." – Scott Aukerman ([03:00])

• They joke about the slow descent into madness of recording marathon best-of sessions.
• Discussion of TV show “Pluribus” and the trend of companion podcasts, riffing on their own industry:

  "As a professional podcaster, I go like, hey, you know, I don't come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth." – Scott Aukerman ([06:14])

2. Introduction to the Comedy Bang Bang Format for Newcomers

[10:21–11:27]

• Scott explains the “improvised celebrity/character interviews” format for new listeners.
• Recounts how all he ever knows coming into a recording is a guest’s character name and job.

3. Warm-Up: Absurdist Riffs & Callbacks

[12:04–17:13]

• Paul and Scott riff about never lying, Paul’s non-existent marriage, and “The Truman Show” as an allegory.
• Barbra Streisand’s personal shopping mall, and historical digressions.
• Envisioning heaven as a parking lot:

  "If God really cared about us, He would pave heaven and put up a parking lot." – Scott Aukerman ([15:12])

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Top 3 Episodes of the Year: Discussion & Clips

#3: “Who Done It?” (Ep. 912)

[17:13–46:56]

Participants

• Guest: Wayne Brady (celebrity guest, promoting his podcast)
• Characters:
  • Lily Sullivan as Krendle (Peloton Instructor)
  • Jacob Wysocki as Bugs Bunny

Highlights

• Krendle’s insane Peloton class:

  "I’m going to get you absolutely crumpled and crammed up… I have had some stomach issues all year long… diarrhea 15, 16 times a day." – Krendle, Lily Sullivan ([21:12])

• Running joke: everyone at Peloton is Krendle’s “son” — except for her neglected daughter.
• Discussion devolves into a “sperm check” staged live on air.
• Wayne Brady dives fully into the game, being delightfully game for the escalating absurdity.
• Bugs Bunny (Jacob Wysocki) calls out the racist history of Looney Tunes, as Paul/Wayne discuss their feelings about rabbits and "Watership Down".
• Recurring reference: Kushtopia, a fictional alternate universe made entirely of weed.
• Sketch brainstorming session including the "Night Lotus" idea and a song parody, “Like a Stove”.

  "You should be hitting 598 grams of protein every meal. Do you know how many meals you should be having? 35." – Krendle ([24:17])

• Cameo via phone: Tim Baltz as himself, agreeing to join their heroic sketch-writing efforts after other, more famous friends don’t pick up Scott’s calls.

Notable Quote

"Some people pay a lot of money for this, and we get to do it right now for free." – Paul F. Tompkins ([25:09])

Noteworthy Moment

• The “sperm check” and Krendle’s army of sons — a pitch-perfect absurdist CBB segment.

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#2: “Wet Day Special 2025” (Ep. 910)

[60:00–94:51]

Participants

• Paul F. Tompkins and Scott Aukerman (Wet Day co-creators)
• Drew Tarver as Ike and Spike Mink Salmon (granddaughter-obsessed uncles)
• Ryan Gaul as Carolyn Parker (dental receptionist)

Highlights

• Full explanation of Wet Day, the CBB-invented holiday:

  "Wet Day is a day where you get as wet as you can possibly be. Because on April 1, you have gone through so many pranks... You’ve had nine days to dry off. And you want to be wet again." – Scott Aukerman ([64:16])

• Rituals: 45-minute showers, water balloon attacks, wet trees, wet day carols (“WAP”, “Fat Juicy and Wet”, “Bus Stop” by The Hollies).
• Banter about cults, awkward dental receptionist energy, and a deranged conversation about staying away from "our granddaughter".

  "We’re only gonna say it once: stay away from our granddaughter." – Paul F. Tompkins as the Mink Salmon twins ([75:25])

Notable Quotes

"Now on Wet Day, regardless of your gender identity or your age, you should tell people I’m an old man. Because your fingers will be pruny and wrinkled from being wet." – Scott Aukerman ([68:56])

"The official Wet Day after show is ‘Watch Wet Happens Live.’" – Scott Aukerman ([69:32])

Noteworthy Moment

• The Mink Salmon twins’ obsessive “stay away from our granddaughter” refrain, and dental receptionist improv.

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#1: “What’s Up, Cool Cat?” (Ep. 900)

[106:07–144:44]

Participants

• Jason Mantzoukas as himself
• Andy Daly as August Lindt (pretzel maker), Cool Cat, Ernie Rocks
• Paul F. Tompkins as Mason Iclodge (little boy), Andrew Lloyd Webber
• Scott Aukerman as host

Highlights

• Discussion of Dread Zeppelin documentary and CBB “lore”—totemic for CBB milestone episodes.
• Introduction of “Cool Cat,” Andy Daly’s swiftly-improvised, 10-foot-tall, nerdy feline who yearns to be in the band Rockapella.
• Appearance of other running characters: Hot Dog, August Lindt, Ernie Rocks (lead singer of Rockapella), AND Andrew Lloyd Webber.
• Ongoing war between surfers and water skiers, the role of lizard people under the Denver airport, and a dire warning about poisoned German pretzels.
• Musical numbers (impromptu a cappella), callbacks to "Land of the Lost".
• Emotional coda: Mason’s search for his real parents, resulting in an unexpectedly sincere exchange.
• Show closes with a fake “Snowman Game” for good luck in 2026.

Notable Quotes

“Normally you come on the show and you are not promoting really anything.”
“Nope. Because I’m not here to sell myself or my wares. I’m here for you.” – Jason Mantzoukas & Scott Aukerman ([108:50])

“Stay away from our granddaughter.” – Paul F. Tompkins as the Mink Salmon twins ([75:25])

“You have feline acne. I keep buying sunglasses and the glass falls out and they look like nerd glasses.” – Cool Cat, Andy Daly ([121:16])

“Don’t tell me Pentatonix has finally summoned the dark lord!” – Andy Daly ([127:51])

“That like genuinely brought a tear to my eyes.” – Paul F. Tompkins, after Mason’s closing story ([139:03])

Noteworthy Moment

• The sheer improvisational “stack” of characters: Andy Daly seamlessly shifting from August Lindt to Cool Cat to Ernie Rocks to Andrew Lloyd Webber — with Paul and Jason keeping pace, layering references, looping in CBB deep lore, and crafting a wonderfully unhinged supergroup origin story.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• Scott on the show’s endurance:
  “Comedy Bang Bang. Unlike other podcasts, we won’t quit.” ([153:07])

• Paul’s gratitude:
  “I count the hours I spent in this room amongst the happiest of my life.” ([161:45])

• Classic CBB self-deprecation:
  “Occasionally I hear someone go like, oh, I think I’m aging out of listening to Comedy Bang Bang. Well, good luck dying because that’s what that is.” – Scott Aukerman ([58:03])

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Additional Segments

CBB Stats (Year in Review)

[146:09–151:43]

• 30,000 votes tallied for this year’s best-of episodes.
• Paul F. Tompkins, Jason Mantzoukas, and Lily Sullivan all appeared in five countdown episodes.
• Acknowledgments for supporting team, ongoing listener engagement, and evidence of both show longevity and enthusiastic, loyal fandom.

The Future & CBB’s Philosophy

[152:39–153:49]

• Scott and Paul plan for next year, muse about show taglines, and reinforce the podcast’s commitment to continued fun—“We don’t quit.”

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Useful Timestamps

• [01:54] Opening riff: golf, golf course etiquette, dislike of golf.
• [06:03] Pluribus TV show & podcast talk.
• [11:27] Explanation of CBB format for newcomers.
• [17:13] Introduction of 3rd best episode: “Who Done It?”
• [27:10] Krendle’s sperm check segment.
• [34:47] Bugs Bunny explains Kushtopia.
• [44:47] Wayne Brady’s post-show camaraderie.
• [60:00] Introduction of 2nd best episode: “Wet Day Special 2025.”
• [64:16] Explanation and origin story of Wet Day.
• [75:25] Mink Salmon twins and granddaughter obsession.
• [88:02] Recapping Wet Day traditions.
• [106:07] Introduction of #1 episode: “What’s Up, Cool Cat?”
• [121:16] Cool Cat monologue.
• [127:51] “Don’t tell me Pentatonix has finally summoned the dark lord!” – Andy Daly as August Lindt.
• [139:03] Emotional coda—Paul F. Tompkins remarks on Mason’s story.
• [153:07] Debut of new CBB tagline, "We won't quit."
• [161:45] Paul F. Tompkins expresses happiness and gratitude.

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Summary

Comedy Bang Bang’s “Best of 2025 Pt. 4” encapsulates everything long-time fans prize about the series: a deep reservoir of recurring characters, shamelessly silly riffs, self-aware meta-comedy, and disarmingly sincere moments amid the chaos. Through the countdown of the year's three best episodes as selected by listeners, Scott Aukerman and Paul F. Tompkins banter and reminisce, setting the stage for marathon-length clips featuring guests like Wayne Brady, beloved recurring characters, and deeply layered improvisation.

Among the standout moments: Lily Sullivan’s deranged Peloton instructor leads a sperm-check, Wet Day traditions get ever more complex, Andy Daly transforms into Cool Cat (and then Ernie Rocks and Andrew Lloyd Webber), and a story about a lizard-raised boy searching for his parents tugs unexpectedly at the heartstrings.

The episode is a virtual masterclass in longform improv, deep sitcom world-building, and the transformative power of “Yes, and.” With self-aware jokes about the show’s longevity, its own fan culture, and the passage of time, it doubles as a warm invitation to new listeners and a valentine to the diehards.

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Final Note

Paul sums up the episode’s tone and the series as a whole:

“I count the hours I’ve spent in this room among the happiest of my life.” ([161:45])

Comedy Bang Bang: We won’t quit.

Transcript

[Scott Aukerman]

As the daughter of immigrants, financial struggles were part of my everyday reality. In high school, I became homeless and had to live in a women's shelter. Thankfully, being an Apia McDonald's Scholar enabled me to attend college and begin a new chapter in my life. And now my reality is filled with endless possibilities. McDonald's has awarded nearly $4 million through Apia scholars to support students. Learn more at apanext.com VRBO Last Minute Deals make chasing fresh mountain powder incredibly easy. With thousands of homes close to the slopes, you can easily get epic Pow freshies, first tracks and more. No need for months of planning. In fact, you can't even plan. Pow Pow is on its own schedule. Thankfully, somewhere in the world it's always snowing. All you have to do is use the last minute filter on the app to book a last minute deal on a slope side private rental home. Book [e-mail]. Ah, thank you Reggie Watts, and welcome to Comedy Bang bang best of 2025 part four. Oh, I thought I was on a golf course.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, because of all the four.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because of the food.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because somebody yelling four all the time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yelling four all the time. What if you were. Would golfing be enjoyable if someone was yelling four all the time? Four, four, four.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Honestly, for me wouldn't be less enjoyable.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because you hate it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I hate it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do you hate golf?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's just gross to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's gross about it? The fact that there's all this land that has to be watered and maintained. I think it's that all the golf courses in Palm Springs, aren't they a beautiful place in the desert? Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's what definitely you need, golf courses in the desert. But it's also, it seems so. There's something about it that seems so idle.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, but it takes such a long time. We have dominion over the earth and the earth playgrounds.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

True. And the beast of the field. I know. And thank you, Father God.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you, Father God. Boy, starting episode four off on a religious before we've even introduced ourselves.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know I have. Look, I have no break with God.

[Scott Aukerman]

Welcome to what some are saying is the best part four of any best of series.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've heard that from so many people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, people are like, hey, remember those best multi part best ofs that we like? You know how like normally if you're seeing the top 100 albums of the year on a on a website, it'll just be one page? Yeah. These guys break something into four things.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

These guys beef something into four things.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, what are we doing we're slowly going insane. Not slowly either.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pretty rapidly. We've been blazing through.

[Scott Aukerman]

We have been blazing through. But we've been here for hours upon hours doing this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, we have.

[Scott Aukerman]

But who are we? What is this? My name is Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. And you are not Scott Aukerman, the host of Comedy Bang Bang. Actually, you are a different person than me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is how I find out we're.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not in a Pluribus situation.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pluribus.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm so sorry to say.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pluribus.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would love to be in Pluribus with you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If we were both. Wait, if we were. If we were the hive mind.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Well, either. I would love to be in a hive mind with you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Then we would each know.

[Scott Aukerman]

We would each know each other.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Everything about each other.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Like how we, you know, had sex.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How we had it, like, easily, or.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did we have to work for it? Me, I had to put in a little elbow grease.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I had it jauntily.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I would also love to be in the show with you playing. I'd love to be in the show, by the way, and Vince Gilligan, I can't say I know him. He was on the Comedy Bang Bang television show. He played the Commissioner in our Batman episode.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. And great guy. And I don't know whether he's offer only in terms of his acting. I don't know how much acting he's done, but we just offered him the part and he came down and did it. Was very funny. But I think you know how they talk about in Pluribus. These are spoilers for pluribus. There are 12 of them or what have you. Have you seen it episodes? No. 12 people in the world who have not been pluribus.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

12 people in the world who have not been Pluribus.

[Scott Aukerman]

They should add a couple. Like every year. They go, oh, we just found a couple and it should be you and me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Two best friends.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why don't. What if it's us playing ourselves?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Just two best friends from Los Angeles.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Just happen to know each other and.

[Scott Aukerman]

We have conversations like this on the show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah. Listen, Vince Gilligan, you've worked with two people for Mr. Show no.

[Scott Aukerman]

3, because you have Bob.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

John Ennis.

[Scott Aukerman]

John Ennis.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And somebody was at January 6th, disgraced. If you would like to work with two non insurrectionists from Mr. Show. Are available.

[Scott Aukerman]

Future insurrectionists. We have no idea. We don't know what the future.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Too soon to say.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Too soon to tell this, too soon to say.

[Scott Aukerman]

But here's the. Here's the thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We'll audition.

[Scott Aukerman]

Will audition. Paul will audition. I'm offer only. But here's the other thing. Our characters can be minor characters. We could be the Lone Gunman or whatever, but.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, the Lone Gunman of Pluribus.

[Scott Aukerman]

But here's what we'll do. We'll have a side podcast, the Pluribus podcast. When you watch Pluribus, they're always talking like, oh, go subscribe to the Pluribus podcast. And I sit there going, like, as a professional podcaster, I go like, hey, you know, I don't come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth. You know what I'm saying?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Or put it in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or put it in. Or do anything to it. Okay, like, why are you coming over to my side of the street here, Vince Gilligan with podcasting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If they were to say, go create the official Pluribus podcast, I'd be like, now you're talking.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're talking to me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's language I understand.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly. As a professional podcaster, I get that. But I sit there and I say, how good could this fucking thing actually be? I'm not going to listen to it because I'm not doing it. Like, I should be doing that podcast. Yeah, you and I should be doing that podcast also.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're gonna do a podcast about a TV show while the TV show's still in the air.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you insane?

[Scott Aukerman]

Come on, guys. You. Wait. What's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Next 10 years?

[Scott Aukerman]

You're gonna do podcasts about shows that haven't been on yet?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, my God, Scott. What a bird. Oh, you roasted them to film.

[Scott Aukerman]

Got them. I read them to Filth.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The library was.

[Scott Aukerman]

They are gagging for it right now. Anyway, that's. Those are our thoughts on Pluribus.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That would be. But to do a podcast, a companion podcast for a TV show that hasn't even been on yet. Yeah, that's ground beefing.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's ground beefing stuff. Okay, what is this? This is Comedy Bang Bang, the Best of Part four. If you need to hear our previous episodes, they came out last week. And then Monday of this week, parts one, two, and three.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, if you need to hear.

[Scott Aukerman]

Them, if you need to. But look, if you just cut to number four, I understand it, because these are the top three episodes of the year that we're going to be listening to clips of. Now, the. The listeners, you all vote on these, and you all do. You all do, by the way. And we'll talk about how many votes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Talk about a pluribus.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Really talk about your hive mind. You all voted for the same episodes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. In the same number of votes for each one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So it was hard to figure out which one deserves.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's predetermined.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly. But we're listening to the top three episodes as chosen by you, the listeners, and this is always a special time because, you know, the first episode always gets the most listens. And those are the worst ones.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, they stunk.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Those. I'm listening back to them now. They're terrible episodes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I hate them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. 14 through 11, P plus U equals Pew. But these 1, 2, and 3, now. Now we're talking. These are good episodes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Talking.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you only listen to three episodes a year of comedy, bang, bang, try to listen to the ones that are 1, 2, and 3 on the countdown.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When I am listening to 14 through 10, I'm like, this sucks.

[Scott Aukerman]

This totally sucks. When I'm listening to even 6, 5, and 4.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm like this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wish it was better.

[Scott Aukerman]

I wish these were the top ones.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Then when I hear 3, 2, 1, I feel like I'm one of the millionaires on Squid Game.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm wearing a crazy mask and I'm going, now this is what podcast should be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can Squid Game get people to. Who can do actual American accents?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They came closer in the second season.

[Scott Aukerman]

They came closer, but they're. They're awful. They're awful.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And one guy was upset because, like, I. I used my voice. Why did they dub me over?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, they dubbed it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, Jesus.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. He's like, what was wrong with what I did?

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe you sounded too normal.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe so. Because they are grotesque freaks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's a good point.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you're enjoying the squid Game, you're a monster.

[Scott Aukerman]

We don't mean viewers of the television program.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, we mean in the world of squid game.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you like squid game. Look, to be honest, if a squid game was happening, I'd watch for a little bit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah, I would too.

[Scott Aukerman]

If I was a crazy millionaire whose money could buy me anything and I'd run out of things to buy, I'd probably watch Squid Game.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Look, man, I. I'd watch it now. I'd probably watch it if.

[Scott Aukerman]

If. If I. Money.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If it was just the. The throwing the card down and slapping people, I'd watch.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I'd watch that. I'd pay someone to watch it, actually.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, that'd be fun. Yeah, watch. Watch this and then act it out for me. Later.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I'd give all my money to anyone who wanted to do that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would bankrupt myself.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, so. All right, so this is Paulif Tompkins. He is the guestest with the mustest.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's had the most appearances on Comedy Bang Bang. He is the comedian with the most appearances on Comedy Bang Bang ever of all time. What is Comedy Bang Bang? It is a podcast in which I am the host. And occasionally we'll have a celebrity guest on the show playing themselves. And then we also have improvisers and comedians on who are playing fake people as guests. We don't know what we're going to talk about. These are all improvised conversations. All I know before we sit down to have the conversation is what their character name is and what their job is. That's all I really know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Some of them don't even have jobs.

[Scott Aukerman]

They don't even have jobs. They just say, introduce me as. As, you know, person.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Weirdo. Magirdo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And he's weird.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not too far off from what we're actually going to hear. Uhoh. But. So that's the format of the show. And we're going to hear the top three episodes. And these are special episodes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're very special.

[Scott Aukerman]

We have very special episodes. They. I mentioned celebrity guests. We're going to have. One of these episodes has a celebrity guest on it. I mentioned Paul of Tompkins. Paul Tompkins will be on at least one of these episodes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

And comedy. Comedy is going to be in these episodes. You're a man of your word and sounds.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Here's what I like about you. You don't lie. I've never lied like everyone else.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I, I, you know, I grew up in a world of liars and a household of liars. And I was like, I don't want to be like this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I made a pact with myself before I could even speak that I was never going to lie. And I've kept that promise to everyone around me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have been lied to so much that it's hard to tell what the truth is sometimes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Like you think you're married, which is so funny to me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm not, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, you're not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. I had a feeling.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you've been. Truman showed just in your marriage.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no, not Truman showed. Why didn't he. He should have been onto that so much sooner.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know when they're doing the commercials, he's. It's hard to root for a character who's so dumb.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's so. He deserved it.

[Scott Aukerman]

He deserved to be Truman showed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. I mean, did they know at birth, like, oh, this guy's an idiot. Let's do the show around him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you. Was someone else Truman showed after him? Like, did they. They must have had contingency series going. Yeah, right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I honestly don't remember. I don't remember what happens at the end of the movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think he just steps out into the Truman Show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He discovers Ed Harris.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's like, oh, Ed Harris in his little beret. Yeah, you're wearing a beret.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doing Ross from Fritz.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, we're on a beret.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jews juice.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then I think he. Then he leaves and everyone's saying, like, don't leave. Because, like, this is what's his incentive not to leave.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, he goes out into the world where he's just a freak. It's like, oh, you were the guy in the TV show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. You're the most famous guy in the world. It's like he's George Clinton or Jim Carrey.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We've watched you live your life.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like, in ignorance.

[Scott Aukerman]

It. It's almost the reverse of like the Barbra Streisand thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Streisand effect.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, not the Streisand effect. But you know how. And I learned about this at Versailles, because. I beg your pardon, At Versailles.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The palace of.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, okay. At the palace of Versailles. They was. Was one of the first examples of this. But Barbra Streisand supposedly has a mall in her. Oh, yes. Underneath her mansion.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

That she pays people to. Pays people to be these shop people and. And people shopping who are paid to not notice her, to just go about their business so she can pretend she's out shopping without normal. Have a normal everybody else. And this was very similar to the Queen of Versailles, I believe, who had a. Had. Had a village built on Versailles and never heard this. Yes. And so she would stock it with normal normies. Normies from France. France normies. And do do something very similar. But the Truman show is almost the opposite of this, where he is going to go out and suddenly realize he's famous and everyone's staring at him all the time and he'll wish he was back in the Truman Show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Allah. Barbara Streisand.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. I believe it was Journey Mitchell who said, you don't know what you got till it's gone. And I don't think that applies.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. She talked about paving the parking lot, which I think she talked about raising heaven. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

About attacking and dethroning God.

[Scott Aukerman]

She did.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then making it A parking lot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep. I would like to make heaven a parking lot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because honestly, like, there's not enough parking down here. If God.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's so true.

[Scott Aukerman]

If God really cared about us.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

He would pave heaven and put up a parking lot, and we would all be able to have free parking forever.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

At the end of the adventure, Gene Hackman, who plays a disillusioned man of the cloth, he is doing that. He makes the sacrifice to rescue everyone.

[Scott Aukerman]

And while he's doing it, spoilers, by the way, for Poseidon.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you going to run right out and see that fucking movie from 1972.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which Scott has not seen, but go ahead.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Never seen that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nope.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We'll watch it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sounds exciting. I mean, Poseidon having an adventure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Guess what? He never appears. But Gene Hackman is yelling at God as he's doing this.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's why he took the role. Oh, I get to yell at God.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Also money.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And that's what I think we should do, is yell at God to make there be more parking.

[Scott Aukerman]

There should. Would it have been so hard for God to make Earth, like, slightly bigger so there'd be more parking?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why didn't God just make things easier? Why does everything have to be a hassle?

[Scott Aukerman]

I know. Everything's so hard, but this is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

God is love, right? I'm supposed to believe that I don't make things difficult for my loved ones.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I try to make everything easy for, like, I open all doors. I open all doors. Emmy has never touched the ground. She never will.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

As far as you have breath in your body.

[Scott Aukerman]

Everywhere. On my back.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And you always will.

[Scott Aukerman]

I always will.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Could you imagine being 80 years old and you're carrying around your. What? She'll be 10, you.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, we gotta get. We gotta get to our top three.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We gotta do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

We gotta do it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Breaking balls.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're busting my freaking ball.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's like we're at the table at the Cellar busting balls.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is this thing on in theaters now? Let's get to it, listeners. This is your choice for episode number three.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Number three.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, coming in at number three, we have.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Give me the lowdown.

[Scott Aukerman]

We have episode 912.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is square in the early earlies.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is very much in the early earlies. Not the earliest earlies. No, but this is very early. Earliest. This was released on April 21st. First.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, now. No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now? No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now. No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now. No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now. Nunu.

[Scott Aukerman]

No. This is an episode called. And I believe I'll answer your question. It's called who Done It.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not what you were thinking of.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, it does answer my question, though.

[Scott Aukerman]

It does answer your question. The participants involved are. We have Jacob Wocki, number one, playing Bugs Bunny. We have Lily Sullivan playing peloton instructor Krendle, who we first met out on tour. I forget what's. I can picture the theater, but I don't know what state it was. Same, but very fun episode. This is her second appearance as that character. And then our celebrity guest that we have, first time on the show, and he's coming in. At number three, we have the delightful.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wayne Brady, Riyadh Comedy Festival alumnus.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This was before that.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is before.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Same amount of money, though.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. I did pay him $10 million to be on the show. Yes. This is Wade Brady's first appearance on the podcast. He was promoting his own podcast, which we'll talk about a little bit on this clip. And then we'll hear from Lily playing Krendle, which is very fun. And then we'll hear from Jacob playing Bugs Bunny. That's. We've said it all, so let's hear it. This is your choice for episode number three. Number three, we have Wayne Brady. The podcast is what if With Jonathan Mangum.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Pronouncing that correctly. Mangum.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mangum.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because it looks like Magnum, which, of course, is. It does both a gun and a condom.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. And he is neither one of those.

[Scott Aukerman]

He is. He is not a condom. We should make that very clear for our listeners.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And it's so weird how many times I have to clarify that. He is a man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's a human.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's a human. Who, by the way, has never used condoms, which never.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So many children. So many children. So many diseases.

[Scott Aukerman]

He has a child for every disease, does he not?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He brags about that and he names them according to the disease.

[Scott Aukerman]

The disease that he got because he thinks it's cute. Yeah. So his daughter Chlamydia, by the way, is gorgeous.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Little Gus Gonorrhea. Because he tries to make it sound cutesy. To take away the stigma.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But. But he's a really good guy when he isn't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great guy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Passing on love, sex. He. He loves sex so much, which is kind of our bond. Yeah. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You bought it. Because you love sex. He loves sex. Not. Not necessarily with each other, but, you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Know, not necessarily with over 30 years of friendship.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're bound to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's got to happen once.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, exactly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's got to happen once. I can't tell. I can't tell you when it did, but it did.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was it Yesterday.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, you got me. Definitely happened yesterday.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, we have a wonderful guest coming up here. We first met her, I believe, when we were on tour. I forget exactly. What exact city did we see each other in? I don't really remember, but it's wonderful to have her back. Please. She's a peloton instructor. Please welcome Krendel.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

All right, let's get on those bikes. Go on. Get on those bikes right now, boys. Get those asses up in the air. Get those heads down.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Brought a bike.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

All right, get on there. Let's go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Come on.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

We want that cadence up to 85, all right? Okay, 85 cadence. We've got that resistance. Go ahead and turn that up to 135.

[Scott Aukerman]

35. That's too much.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is it possible?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think 60 is about the highest.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That I've ever been.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Okay. Why are you guys. I want you to think about that right now. I want you to think about that long and hard. What is your motivation today? Because I am going to get you absolutely crumped and cramped.

[Scott Aukerman]

Crumped.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

I'm going to get you absolutely crumpled and crammed up. Oh, we're going to have you busting and bursting. That's right. I'm going to tell you what my motivation is. I'm going to tell you. I have had some stomach issues all year long. I have been having diarrhea multiple times a day. We're talking 15, 16 times a day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How are you walking?

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Went to the gastroenterologist. Guess what he said?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, it's. He. What you have.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

He quit his practice after he got my. Delivered to him to do a test on my.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you were there, why did it need to be delivered? Did you like.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

I had to go home. I had to. Do they have to do the shit test at home? He said if I didn't bring it in, I'd have to put it in my fridge. And I thought, absolutely not. I'm bringing that in today. Brought it in. He quit practicing medicine after he looked at my shit. I'm trying not to take it personally.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's cool it off.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Let's cool it off.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Wow.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

All right. You can turn that music off. How my boys doing? How you guys doing?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm a little winded, to be honest. I don't think I've ever been winded doing the show.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Oh, God, you guys looked so good out there on those bikes. Ass is up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, let's. Yeah.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Wayne, you are a good time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

You and I. I can see it working out, but I should let you know I am in a very serious relationship with my son, Braxton.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

We are absolutely head over heels for each other.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

So it is very hard for me to think about having another man at home.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that okay? Well, I'll get in where I fit in. And that's just not a T shirt. It's a way of life.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is our new slogan. I'll get in.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Get in where I fit in.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

He's only 24 months old, but you know what he said to me the other day? He said, mom, you miss 100 of the shots you don't take.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That is an inspiration.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very advanced for a 2 year old.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

He is 24 months and 23 days. Oh, that's right. And you know what he said to me the other day when I got out of bed?

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

He said, mom, where have you been? Because the sun doesn't rise unless you rise with it. I'm gonna let you know something super intimate right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's that?

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Kendall Crandall, all of my students in that peloton room are my boys, my sons. I am your boy, Mom. Right now. Do you feel that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Do you feel that?

[Scott Aukerman]

I do.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

That is me mothering you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

I am mother. Say it. You are mother.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You are mother.

[Scott Aukerman]

You are mother.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

That is damn right. Go ahead and pack one of those proteins into your ass.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, geez.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

How are your asses?

[Scott Aukerman]

They're up. I mean, they're up. It's about as up as high as I can go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I've never had quite as much protein in my ass as I've had.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

You should be hitting 598 grams of protein every meal. Do you know how many meals you should be having?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How many?

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

35 meals. Do you know what time I wake up in the morning?

[Scott Aukerman]

I have no idea.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

2Am do you know how long my day is?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hello?

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

30 seconds. I go right back to bed. What time do you get up in the morning, Wayne?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I get up around 6.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

That is not early enough.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know.

[Scott Aukerman]

You should be getting up. Sorry, mother.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

That's right. Say it again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry, mother.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

That's right. Say it again.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sorry, mother.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

That's right, say, I am mothering.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I am mothering.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Say mama.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mama.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mama.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mama.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Say, wham. Wham. Mama.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wham. Wham.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wham.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wham. Mama.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

That's right. Wham.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wham.

[Scott Aukerman]

Baby. Shit is.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Baby need a change.

[Scott Aukerman]

Baby need a change. Diaper.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Baby made a stinky.

[Scott Aukerman]

Baby made a stinky. I too did.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

That's what I like to Hear, Scott, you are my son.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Some people pay a lot of money for this, and we get to do it right now for free.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Wow.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

I want to let you know how many sons I have out there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How many?

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

1.5 million sons tuning in every single day. Only one girl. You know who that is?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who?

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

My daughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you have a. You've never mentioned her.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You've never talked about her.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Her name is Paisley Ann. She's fine. But my son. Let's go ahead and hit it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay?

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

My son motivates me every single day.

[Scott Aukerman]

How old is Paisley Ann?

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Paisley Ann. I don't. She's a. I mean, she's five.

[Scott Aukerman]

She's fine. Okay.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

She is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You don't seem to care as much about her.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

She's okay. She's like, you know, she's smart and she's nice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's a definite lack of enthusiasm.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

I love her. No, she's my daughter, and I love her, I guess.

[Scott Aukerman]

But.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Yeah, you know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I get it.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

She is not like my son Braxton.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Go ahead. I want you to. Do you guys want to have sons someday? I want to hear it from you, Wayne. Do you have a son?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, I have a son.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

What is your son's biggest motivation?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mommy's boobies.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

That's right. Scott, do you want to have a son someday?

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are you. I'm good.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Stop the music. What did you just say?

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I have. I have the only child I'm going to have, and that's a daughter. I. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mommy.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Scott?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

The world is made up of boys. I. I really become men who become boys again.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's about 48% of the population, I think is true. Boys. Yeah.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Yeah. Okay. So what are you gonna do? I guess I'm gonna get your sperm checked.

[Scott Aukerman]

But that's already happened.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

In order to get the first checked again, I'm gonna do. I'm gonna do sperm on you guys. I'm gonna get a sperm check going on you, right? Go ahead and hit the music. I'm gonna get my. My cast of peloton instructors here. Go ahead and get their sperm out of them right now. We are gonna do a sperm check on both.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is there a private room that we can go to? Yeah, there is some room. Just put it in the cup.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, that's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Put in the cup.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Go ahead and get that sperm check. This is my sperm checker, Dawson. Dawson, how we doing?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi, Mommy. Yeah, Mommy. Dawson, I feel weird masturbating in front of all of you. No, go ahead.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

This is what we do here at Peloton.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't need to masturbate. Here, I carry this around.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Well, thank you so much for that.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was in your wallet.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

This huge jar. This big jar that came out of your wallet. Thank you so much, Dawson. Go ahead and get this in the. In the lab.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the biggest one I've ever seen. I'll get it right away.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

I love. This is my son, Dawson. Have you met him?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Scott?

[Scott Aukerman]

He's gonna go ahead and get to.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Go to town on him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Go to town on him, Dawson. You're gonna extract it, if that's okay? Sure. Oh. Oh, God. I'm gonna do it even if you say no. Oh, God.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

You see how effective he is?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Dawson.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't need the tweezers, Dawson.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah, I do.

[Scott Aukerman]

I can't find it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm. I'm gonna. Is it cool that I'm videoing this whole thing?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Go ahead and put that online and tag us at Peloton. We are gonna be putting that on the. On the TikTok, aren't we, Dawson?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm Dawson. Hi, Dawson.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Dawson runs our social media, but he also extracts our sperm and also does the test. Don't you, Dawson?

[Scott Aukerman]

You want me to tag you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, twins. It's your boy, Wayne. I'm on Twitch.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, God.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm streaming the. Can you believe this shit? Look at this.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think I can perform under these conditions.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Dawson, how much sperm do we have out of. Out of our friend Scott here?

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott's getting dusty. I might be dry. I don't know.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

No, we need to get. You need to pump him full of something else.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm gonna go double time, Dawson. Double time. Oh, God, he's going docile. Katie is at 150.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

That's right. Cadence is at 150.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're gonna turn that off.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Go ahead, Dawson.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Turn that up to 492.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look at that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Look at him go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Resistance at zero.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Looks like we got one sperm.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Is that enough, Mommy?

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

That'll do, right, Dawson? We can work some magic on it.

[Scott Aukerman]

All it takes is one. From what I heard, Dawson thinks one's enough. Thanks, Dawson.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Thank you, Dawson.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, goodbye. Goodbye, Dawson.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm gone. Wow.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

How do you feel? You must feel so good and relieved.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, I definitely feel like I could use a cigarette. Do you have anything on you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That was quite an experience to watch.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I feel like I witnessed something that I've never Seen before.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

This is what we do at Peloton. Had both of you continued your training, but you guys stopped midway through the pandemic and you never came back.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I'm coming back now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, definitely.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm definitely on board.

[Scott Aukerman]

All it takes is one class to get you back on board. What happened here today? I am on board. This is America's favorite rabbit. Please welcome Bugs Bunny. Yeah. What's up, Scott? How we doing today? Doing great. Wow. I he him. Unless I'm dressed as your lady, then she her. Okay. It's such a pleasure to meet you. A real treat to be here. Welcome to the one timers club. And let's hope that I stay there. Yep. It's. It's such a pleasure to meet you. We all, of course, know you from the. A bit of an entertainer. Space Jam. Space jam, yeah, that's right. Sure. Space Jam 2. I'm a bit, you know, I mean, I'm making people laugh. I'm being mischievous. I'm being a bit naughty. Yeah. Did you. Were you always like that or is that a character? Ever since I can remember, I've been doing little jokes and jumping out of holes. It did develop over time. I had to find my voice. Yeah. I mean, what were you like as a. A. A baby. A child. I was burrowing with all my other siblings. Sure. How many siblings do you have? 17. Did you say 17 or 17?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think it's open for interpretation.

[Scott Aukerman]

17. 17. It's 17.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can I get deep for a second? Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because something that I've always. The reason that rabbits. I have a problem with rabbits. And I'm really trying to get over that right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because I don't want to be disrespectful to you, Bugs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is I read Watership Down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. All right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And rabbits are violent. And so I just want to know.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a cold, cold world out here, Wayne.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a cold. Have you ever participated in. In. In the killing of other rabbits? Like the rabbits in Watership Down?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I'm not familiar with the text material.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Watership down, it's about a whole bunch of rabbits that. Each other up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Would you like to read the Cliff Notes? I have it right here. Yeah. If you could give it to me. Right. Here you go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You are so fast reader.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're a speed reader. Yeah. You know, if you just look at the words in the middle, you'll figure out which on the outshine.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, context.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. It's all about context. I've killed a couple rabbits in my younger days, that's what you got to do to survive in the hutch.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Boys will be boys, as I like to say.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. That's why you don't like rabbits, is that right, Wayne? Because you read Watershed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, the book freaked me out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Couldn't help but notice you were unable to answer the question, who's your favorite rabbit?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I mean, I don't have a favorite rabbit right now, but I'm leaning towards you. You used to be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you just sharing that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, you're shame it, because I'm in a room right now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I used to love. I used to love rabbits. I loved all of your early work. Yes. Until I took a course in African American studies and I realized how racist a lot of the early Looney Tunes cartoons were.

[Scott Aukerman]

I got nothing to do with that. And you participated in it. I got nothing to do with that. So you had a tacit. Sort of. I was just working into union. I was doing what I was told.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Every single time that a cigar would explode. And you sang Mammy. I was offended.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry about that. So I'd like to formally apologize. Well, it feels like the only way through.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, let's hug.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Wow. Look at my boys hugging.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Look at them each other.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ash. Real.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, my God, this feels so.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

I'm gonna tell you something right now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

My favorite bunny is the Energizer Bunny. The way that he. Go, go, goes.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what that means?

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

That means war. Okay. If you like to energize your bunny, then you're not a friend of mine.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Whoa.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. I. I like the Easter bunny. Of course, Easter was yesterday, and that means war. Sorry. Sorry. If I'm not America's favorite rabbit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm out. I'm walking. Look at the glint in his eye. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are you gonna do to us? You're not gonna make us. I'll sh. I feel, by the way, you're changing your R's to W's like Elmer Fudd did and Pugs didn't. No, I just didn't take my zertech today.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I need your help. Scott. What's going on? What's going on, Bugs? I'm currently being taken advantage of by a very powerful, powerful man, and he's threatening my friend Scott. Oh, no. And I. I said to him. I said to him, you leave my friends alone. He said, that's not good enough for me. And I said, I want to challenge you to a sketch competition. A sketch competition. And so I found myself in this competition, Scott, and I. I need some help from you. I need. I need some of the best. All my friends are in danger, but if we win a sketch competition, he's gonna let him go. Okay, I. I trafficked in sketch comedy occasionally.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Scott can do this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I can do this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right?

[Scott Aukerman]

And, Wayne, you're one of the best at. I didn't even know you was gonna be here, Wayne.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, but this is great. And if we could help my new friend that I no longer fear, then I would love to. Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

And I also write sketches for the Peloton Instagram.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You have.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have bad ideas in a room, Right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who's the powerful guy?

[Scott Aukerman]

His name's Mr. Smack Mallet. No. And he runs an amusement park.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Okay, that's a silly name.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It is. It's a sketch jam.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a sketch jam. He wants to try and take all my friends, and if we lose, we got to work in his amusement park forever. Well, you know, and we got to do the sketch show that we wrote, like, five times a day. Wayne did this five times a day?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Week.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You get meals.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

That's what happens at Peloton. We're all stuck there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really? So. Oh, okay. You can't leave. You're like indentured servants.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Yeah, exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

We work for Mr. Peloton.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here's the thing, though, all right? We're up against some really, really tough competition, Scott. Okay? You see, the thing is, Mr. Smack Mallet, he possessed a bunch of the best comedy shoals and put him. Put them for his team. The Shoals.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The shoals?

[Scott Aukerman]

Like muscle shoals? No, his shoals.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like what's. What makes you tick.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, the thing that weighs you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, your soul.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your soul.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Got it, got it. Not the Ching. On your feet. Chings and my allergies. Take your Zyrtec next time you're on the show. You have to understand the people that we're going against are some of the best in comedy, which is why I had to go. Some of the best in comedy. Mr. Smack Mallet. Yeah, he's got Tom Lennon.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, he's got Tom.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's got Tom Lennon. He's got Tom.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How'd he get Tom Lennon on his side?

[Scott Aukerman]

Tom was on the first episode of this show. He just shucked his essence. He didn't even ask for shent. He just shucked Tom's essence.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, he shook.

[Scott Aukerman]

He shucked. He just shucked Tom's sh. Out. His essence.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Which hole? Shoot him out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Who else does Mr. Smack the police don't destroy boys. No, no. All three of them. Are we gonna beat some of the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Best guys right now?

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Those are my boys. Those are my sons. Those boys.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're so cute.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who else? Kenan Thompson. Keenan. Not Keenan.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

So many boys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thompson. And then they got the piece of resistance to tie it all together. Who's that? David Crosh. David. My old compadre and Mr. Show. David Cross. I'm sorry to tell you, Scott, pun intended.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

He's crossed you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

A pun also intended to break the news to you, Scott. But even your friend is your foe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

How are we gonna go? I mean, I have Wayne Brady, that's. And I guess Krendle. We got access to all the Looney Tunes, too. Okay, so who do we got? Daffy. We got Daffy. We got Tweety goofy. We got Mr. Toots. Mr. Wait. We got. We got. Hold on. Back up. Mr. Toots. What? He's part of Cootopia? Yeah. That's the world that I'm trying to shave. You're trying to save Kushtopia? Absolutely. That's where all the Looney Tunes live. We live in the core of Kushtopia. Sorry, Wayne, do you know what Kushtopia is?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Crazy. Kushtopia is an alternate universe. It's made entirely of weed. Mostly. Mostly everything's made made of ganja. There's a train, I believe. Yes, there's a train. It goes around. Some of it's metal, some of it's made of nuggets. It's an alternate universe. You have to understand. 65 million years ago, a comet hit Earth. It split Earth into two. Earth, Earth and Earth. Two Earth, two Kishtopia.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I didn't know that it was Kushtopia, but I remember as a kid reading my favorite comic book, which was about this kid, an alien crashed to Earth. He was discovered in a field, and it turned out to be Snoop Dogg. So he's from Kushtopia.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, yes, yes. Did Snoop come over here from Kushto? I'm sure Snoop took a portal. A guy with that can smoke that much weight. He's probably got Kushtobian blood.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He has power problem.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, Coustopian.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. You'll have to forgive me, Bugs, but I. I'm not a huge fan of Kishtopia. What do you mean? I just. There's been several guests on this show over the years. A bunch of nice guys, I'm sure. I don't know who's the motor the motorcycle. Mighty Motorcycle. The guy who. Who. Who always forgets his motherfucking guns. Exactly. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm looking up on Reddit and one of the comments that comes up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Scott's exasperation about Ktopia.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, here's the problem. I have guests on this show, right? And ostensibly they're talking about something else, and then they slip in references to Kushtopia, something that I'm just not. I have no personal affinity for. Well, there's people that live there. There's real Hodge. Don't you want to shave the Looney Tunes? We don't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know people in Custopia.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, Scott does, though. I know Motorcycle. Motorcycle who? Motorcycle Marty.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mr. Toots.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who else? The Executioner. All right. Cooter. The supercomputer. We could retcon that. The Green Ranger.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I did the.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, a person did the first episode. Could be from Kushtopia. Okay, I. I got. It's a rich world that needs shaving. Do you. Do you guys want to save Kushtopia?

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Do we need to go to Kristopia?

[Scott Aukerman]

Not at all. We just got to write some sketches, cash the sketches, and then we'll go to do the sketch show. And if we win, Kushtopia Shade. When is the sketch show that we're supposed to do? Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. We got a crunch.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We need a. A writing session right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

We need to get rams.

[Scott Aukerman]

I got some ideas. I got some ideas. Okay, let's. Let's use the title of Wayne's podcast. What if. What if. And that's a good way to write sketches, because you got an idea, you say, what if? If this is true. What if.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What if.

[Scott Aukerman]

So what if the bride of Frankenstein, she's. She's hot and Patti LuPone is playing her. Right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

So. And what if she goes to Kushtopia.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

And she has a really hot son?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

A really super hot son.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Who is. She's. She's jealous of him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scott, do you think we should maybe get Jack Galfenak?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ish.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you think you could put a call out for Jack? I don't want to bother him too much.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Let's go ahead and call Zach right now. Get that phone out and let's dial that number.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess I could. Maybe. Jack's got a couple of pitches, or he's got a character he could play or something like that.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Go ahead, let's pitch it to him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me try to call and see what happens here. See if he picks it up. Call failed. That's how quickly. That's not a good shout.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

How quickly he presses, no, Scott, let's try another celebrity.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, I don't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's try Rob.

[Scott Aukerman]

Huh? The other guy who's in the first episode of the show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Rob. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why not Rob?

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Let's give Rob a call.

[Scott Aukerman]

You want me to call Rob? He's got. He's got the human giant juice behind him. Let's call Rob Huebel. Rob, please. He's got to have an original call. Failed again. Scott. You gotta work on your friendship, Scott. This is how much juice I have in Hollywood.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

What is going on here?

[Scott Aukerman]

People I've known for decades will not pick up the phone for me. And I came here because I said, Scott's got to juice.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

We need to find you another friend, Scott. Who else can we call?

[Scott Aukerman]

Tim Baltz, maybe.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Yeah, let's give Tim Baltz.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tim Baltz from the Righteous Gemstones.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

He's not as big of a name, but maybe he will pick up for that reason.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's got a lot of fun, but he's funny.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Got a lot of juice.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

He's got so much juice, so much industry juice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's see if Tim Baltz will pick up.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

We need to give him a ring.

[Scott Aukerman]

And, Scott, if we could get an original Lisa Gilroy character in this sketch show, I think it'd be really. That would make the fans happy, I'm sure, but.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Absolutely. But I hate women.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello? Hi, Tim. Yeah, yeah, this is Scott Aerman from Comedy Bang Bang.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why are you bothering me? Why am I bothering you? We're friends, aren't we? Yeah, but you've never called me. Well, you're on the air right now. Is that okay?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, God.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm here with Bugs Bunny and Wayne Brady and Krendle, who's a peloton instructor.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

How are you doing, Tim? I haven't seen you in a bit on that bike.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, what's up, Tim? Yeah, yeah, we're doing a big sketch competition tomorrow. Ask him if he can take his wigs out of retirement. Yeah, can you take your wigs out of retirement for us?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, sure. I mean, I'll do whatever it takes.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know me, I'm a slut. I mean, I get paid and people laughing at me. Dish.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Gig does not pay.

[Scott Aukerman]

This doesn't pay. Yeah, you get paid in exposure. Is that cool? Can we count on you? Yeah, 100%. I got a ton of wigs. I'll bring them. You're saving the world of Kooshtopia. And by the way, you. We're only asking you to do it because Zach Galifianakis wouldn't pick up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I should be so lucky.

[Scott Aukerman]

But hopefully most of your roles that will come around is because Zach won't pick up. That would elevate me big time. All right, thanks. We can count on you. I appreciate it, buddy. Anything you want to say to the Comedy Bang Bang listeners?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, Tweet at Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Tell him to call me as a friend sometimes. Nope. All right, talk to you later. Bye. Smooches Tim. Well, I think we could probably, maybe brainstorm some more sketches.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I got a couple. I got a couple. What do you got? Night Lotish. K N, I G H, T. Like the Dark Knight. Yeah, it's like white lotish. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Batman. It's not like that at all.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Batman's in the WP universe.

[Scott Aukerman]

K, N I G T. No, it's like the White Lotus, but it's in a medieval time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, Night Lotus. It takes place in a castle, maybe.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is what. This is what the room's for.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're brainstorming. It takes place in a castle, and then a family arrives for a vacation.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're doing the work and they're beheaded. What if Merlin's involved and he shows his penis when his bathrobe opens up? Blackout.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Boom.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't even need to explain anything. Oh, that's really funny, Scott. Yeah, Devil's in the details.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Merlin and Arthur, they kiss.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Blackout.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, she's coming together real nice. This is good, right? You're writing this real nice. You get a huge typewriter right now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's gonna take forever.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is good. This is good. Do you have any other sketch ideas? I got a ton. What about a parody for the audio Slave song, Like a Stone called Like a stove?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, like a.

[Scott Aukerman]

It doesn't rhyme.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Like a stone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like a stone. And I don't know. What's the melody to that song?

[Scott Aukerman]

In your house I long to be. Let me see if I can. This has subtitles. It says, crew speaks. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Whoa.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, Wayne, what would you do on top of this?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's about a stove.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Yeah. It's like a stove.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like a stove. So it's not actually the stove.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not actually so. But it's. It's akin to things that are actually. It's actually good. You don't know the melody. Yeah. So these undistinguishable lyrics. What would you change to make it like a stove?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

First, I'd make It English.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Place in which I would cook my food. If I don't cook it the pork all the way through. Trichonosis. It might be dubbed because this is like a stove. Like a stove. A source of heat. Give my. Cause it to explode. You'd like to preheat your house.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, God, preheat it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like a stove. You've gotta preach. Your house and your bedroom. Your stove.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is. And then I can do a guitar solo because I can't play guitar. Oh, you should have led with that. You're just right now. Oh, hey, good note.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Or theremin. So I'd work on that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yeah, yeah, I'll get an actual guitar.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To tank number three.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ah, yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ah, now that's what I call number three.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, Jacob, of course you heard it there. He's. And I think you heard it on his last appearance. I can't remember if that was in the clip or not, but always trying to fit Kushtopia into his. Into his bits. And then of course, you heard Tim Baltz at the end. We call him on the phone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

So that's gonna boost his numbers at the end of the countdown.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That happened a lot in the live shows.

[Scott Aukerman]

When we were on tour the previous year, we did a big 40 some odd date tour and Lily did a lot of those dates. Lily, by the way, is married to Tim Boltz in real life.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And back off of both of them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, they're mine.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're married to them too.

[Scott Aukerman]

But they're married. And Lily, Tim did a few of the dates, but he was, he was filming Righteous Gemstones. He played Judy's husband on Righteous Gemstones. And so Lily did a lot of the dates and she would call him from the stage a lot and would she tell him who he was going to be? I can't remember.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, in a very like, very succinct way.

[Scott Aukerman]

She would like text him, you're going to be. Pick up the phone as this person. Sometimes I think she did that. A couple.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Would she.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Or sometimes she would just call and he would just kind of answer and go, hello. And then wait to hear who. Who he was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, she would, she would call Tim on. On stage a lot. And so as you heard, I was having trouble getting anyone to answer my calls, but he picked up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So that's.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was very nice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So that. That again is going to juice his numbers for appearing in episodes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I hate when they juice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How often do you talk on the phone? Every day. No, it's very rare for me.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's rare now. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. I don't like it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't like even talking on mics for podcasts. I'm gonna stop. Oh, my God, he was so surprised. He coughed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That made me cough. You made me cough.

[Scott Aukerman]

But that was a delightful episode.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It gave me delight.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's so great to have, you know, Wayne Brady, obviously a really great improviser. It's so fun to have a celebrity guest just dive in the way that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. To be totally game and embrace it and also seem to enjoy it and have fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

And there was certain. And by the way, then he hung out for half an hour talking to all of us about, I'm not saying like, oh, wow, having a celebrity. He just, like, was. Was interested in what we were all up to and so, like, hung out for an hour, like, asking us questions about our lives. It was very nice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait. Went from a half hour to an hour.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think I said half hour both times, but if I didn't, I apologize. It was 45 minutes now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You just said two hours. What's going on?

[Scott Aukerman]

But, but, but, but listening back to that clip, I'm just reminded of, like, occasionally as a host, you're worried about the celebrity guest. Of like, is this going to get too weird? Or they. Are the improvisers going to try to involve them in a way that's going to make them uncom. You dealt with that a little bit on or. I dealt with that rather on the television show a little bit, where sometimes there'd be a celebrity who. An improviser comes on and. And tries to involve them and they. They don't like it and they back up and they go like, I know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You'Re talking about me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it was you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And, sorry, Zoe Saldana.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, she was very game. She had a lot of fun. But. But it's so great hearing, like, occasionally I'll, as a host, I'll be like, oh, no, we can't do that. Trying to protect a celebrity guest so that they don't have to do what embarrassing thing is. And then Wayne would be like, nope, yeah, I want to do it. And just dive into it. It was very fun. Yeah, good clip.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Good clip.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good clip to you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And also with you, what's the fucking sports clips? That's the name of the. The barbershop.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I don't know. This. This is a barbershop.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think it's a barbershop. And the hook is they have sports TV on.

[Scott Aukerman]

What a hook.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sports clips.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, do you think they came up with a title first? Or they were like, look, I just want a barbershop where you can come in and watch sports.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think it was a lot of men were afraid getting their haircut was gay, and they said, I need to be reminded of man things.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now the Playboys in here aren't enough. First of all, can we talk about how insane it was that when you go into a barbershop in the 70s.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

There would be Playboy magazines and into the 80s.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like, when I was a kid, I remember the. Our local barber shop. The guy had Playboys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And the one that my parents took me to had Playboys. And they were just sitting there. And you would think that, you know, my parents being religious types, of course, you didn't know yet that it was all hypocrite behavior, but anyway. But you would think that they would be like. Like, oh, no, we can't. But it was the only game in town.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. You know, I mean, the barber shop has a stranglehold on the community.

[Scott Aukerman]

And Playboy magazine, they could do whatever they want. That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But I remember, like, wanting to. Of course, I. I not wanting to open it because that. That was so impossible for me to think about. Right. But just, like, looking, like, out of the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's right there. Maybe somebody else will pick it up and open it.

[Scott Aukerman]

The gateway into orgiastic pleasure is right there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I'm so hellraiser.

[Scott Aukerman]

I wish that I could start gooning here in the. In the barber shop.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm sorry I can't stay for my haircut. I'm gooning.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I guess that the barber shop was a. A place where, like, you get away from, like. Okay, you can't have your bitch wife. You can't have Playboys at home. Come. Come to this place where you can finally be away from her.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But I hated those guys singing all the time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. In the quartets that they always had. I know. Every time you go to a barber shop, first of all, if it was your birthday. Forget, forget. And then if your name was Lida Rose. Oh, my God. That would be.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you were a lady and it was nighttime.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good night, lady.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I just. I would just walk around, close the door. I would just turn right around on my heel.

[Scott Aukerman]

Enough. Well, that's a great clip. We need to take a break. When we come back, we're gonna crack the top two.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, my God. A two cracker.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a two cracker. We're gonna come right back with more Best of Comedy Bang Bang 2025 Part 4 after this. Yeah. Happy New Year. That's right. A new year is just about to be here. We have colder days. Well, this is the moment that your winter wardrobe really has to deliver. Right. So if you're craving a winter reset, start with pieces truly made to last season after season. And Quince brings together premium materials, thoughtful design and enduring quality so you can stay warm, look sharp, and feel your best all season long. Their outerwear is especially impressive. Each piece is made from premium materials by trusted factories that meet rigorous standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. I got a bunch of stuff from Quince right now. I have a really good jacket that I've been trotting out during the holiday season. I love the outerwear. Everything is so good and so comfy and looks good. Every time I wear something, my wife says, who's that from? And I say, quince, my dear lady. And then I bow and she curtsies. It's a whole thing that we have. Anyway, refresh your winter wardrobe with quince. Go to quince.com Bang Bang for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N C E.com Bang Bang. Free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com Bang Bang. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Boy, I tell you, I. I'm looking forward to getting rid of some stuff around the house for 2026. For instance, the crib that we've been using, we're finally getting rid of that. We're phasing in a big girl bed. That's going to make me feel lighter in 2026, right? Well, a new year is a new opportunity to feel lighter and you don't have to become a new person to do it. Signing up for therapy with BetterHelp can shine a light on what's been weighing you down and illuminate possibilities for the year ahead. BetterHelp handles the initial therapist matching work for you. All you have to do is just take a short questionnaire. This questionnaire is super short and you share your needs and your preferences. And thanks to BetterHelp's industry leading match fulfillment rate, they usually get your match right the very first time. And you know what? If your match isn't the right fit, switching to a different therapist is super easy. Let BetterHelp provide you an unbiased perspective on your life so you can head into the new year taking only what truly serves you. You can't step into A lighter version of yourself without leaving behind what's been weighing you down. Therapy can help you clear space. Sign up and get 10% off betterhelp.com Bang Bang that is betterhelp.com Bang Bang Boy, now that the holidays are over, you might be feeling like you got a big hangover. A big spending hangover that is. Oh boy. Everything you had to pay. The gifts, the drinks, the holiday food. Well, luckily Mint Mobile is here to help you cut back on overspending on wireless this January with 50% off. Unlimited Premium wireless. All plans come with a high speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. You can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all of your existing contacts. This January, quit overspending on Wireless with 50% off unlimited premium Wireless plans start at $15 a month at mintmobile.com Bang Bang that's mintmobile.com Bang Bang Limited time offer upfront payment of $45 for 3 month $90 for 6 months month or 180 for 12 month plan required $15 per month equivalent taxes and fees Extra initial plan term only. Over 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy. Capable device required. Availability, speed and coverage varies. See mintmobile.com Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2025 Part 4 these are the best clips. These are the top clips. These are the clips everyone wants to hear.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The best. The top everyone wants to hear them. These clips are the ne plus ultra. These clips are the zenith.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're the acme. The tippity top of the flippity pop.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of comedy Bang Bang.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And if you don't like it, why don't you go lie down in your grave?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. Because guess what, grandpa? It's time for you to shuffle off this mortal coil.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Hey man, why don't you drop dead?

[Scott Aukerman]

Occasionally I hear someone go like, oh, I think I'm. I'm aging out of listening to comedy Bang Bang. Well, go good luck dying because that's what that is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who's saying this? 90 year olds.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This show is fun for Everybody from ages 2 to 200.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. So maybe you 201 year olds out there don't like it anymore. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Off 201 year olds. If I met somebody who's 201.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'd be so disgusted, I'd be barfing. There's no way. They don't look like it looks.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, I've seen 100 year olds. They Already look like as it is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You ever see 100 people doubling that? They actually look pretty good.

[Scott Aukerman]

They look pretty good. Like a George Clooney.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would say 90.

[Scott Aukerman]

Another disgusting age.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Another. Another disgusting age.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is. Where. When do people get. Absolutely. I know it varies by human, but what, what. At what age is everyone across the board discussing?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. I'm gonna say. I'm gonna say 201. One.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's no way you make it to.

[Scott Aukerman]

201 without just being.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And you look like a. You're just a crumpled up piece of paper.

[Scott Aukerman]

Anyway, we love our listeners as long.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

As they're under 201.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. If you're 200 and below, we love all of you out there. And this is a very. Speaking of twos, very exciting part of the podcast because we've been saying the word two several times recently, and we. We've finally hit what I like to call the number two episode of the year.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you have a countdown. Yeah, you have to have a number two.

[Scott Aukerman]

Occasionally you'll have a nose. Yeah, that happens.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But I mean, it takes two to make a thing and go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right? That's right. And that's what we're going to do because we're going to hear it. This is your choice for number two.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Number two.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, Paul, this is episode number 910.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So this is squarely in the early. Early.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is two weeks prior to what we just heard, which was episode 912 on April 21, which means this was April 7. What do you think this is?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think this is the Wet Day spectacular.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is indeed the Wet Day Special 2025 coming in at number two. Wet Day Special 2020.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, it's not spectacular. Apologize.

[Scott Aukerman]

It is just special.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's just special.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, we don't want to oversell this thing. It's not spectacular.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you know how to say show in Italian?

[Scott Aukerman]

How so?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm taking duolingo Italian. Spectacular.

[Scott Aukerman]

Spectacular. Would you like to go see the spectacular? See, that makes it sound better than just show. Spectacle. What are we doing in English? Like, oh, you want to see a show?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Preferito grupo del rock.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, do you prefer.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Spectacular?

[Scott Aukerman]

You're going to see a show with rock.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm gonna see my favorite rock band at the stadium.

[Scott Aukerman]

At the stadium for a show. Okay, and what. What band is this?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

E. Beatles. E. Beatles.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is the Wet Day Special 2025. What is wet Day? You're going to hear all about it in this clip.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're going to be. Sorry you asked.

[Scott Aukerman]

Part of Wet Day is explaining. Is explaining Wet Day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And it's one of the traditions.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's one of the traditions we do on our Wet Day episodes. Wet Day is a, a holiday that Paul and I came up with. This is the anniversary of us coming up with it. It was four or five years ago. We'll say it in the clip. Sure. And we came up with it on these best ofs and then we've been celebrating it every year. This is our 20. Who's involved? We have Paul F. Tompkins. That's me, the co creator of Wet Day. He and I in this clip will talk about Wet Day and everything Wet Day means. So if you don't know what it means, we're not going to just dump you in in the middle and expect you to swim. We're going to. We're going wet. Exactly. We're going to explain what Wet Day is. We also have Drew Tarver. Now, Paul and Drew then in the clip will be playing Ike and Spike Mink Salmon, two gentlemen with one particular thing that they like to talk about.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. Well, it's a dire warning.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Yeah. And we'll hear about that then. We have making his first appearance on this year's Countdown. We have Ryan Gall.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There he goes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here he is. And he's going to be playing Carolyn Parker, dental receptionist. That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, if you like the phone calls.

[Scott Aukerman]

From previous episodes, you'll enjoy this. Let's get into it. This is very funny clip. Let's hear your choice for number two. Number two, we all know what week this is. That's right. We'll be talking about it. My name is Scott Aukerman. I am here with my fellow enthusiast of the holiday that we are celebrating. Co creator. I mean you're an enthusiast as well, but.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I was so enthusiastic I co created it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me introduce him. You know him as a comedian of notice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Please, I'll allow you to introduce myself.

[Scott Aukerman]

He is a raconteur. He is a. An actor. He is a voiceover artist and I have to say, many Urkels to him. Please welcome Paul F. Tompkins.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Many Urkels to you. Many hamburgers to you, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now many Urkels to you is of course the Wet Day greeting. And that is what we're talking about here. We are celebrating here. This is the day we are observing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, Wet Day observation.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now we're celebrating. We're as wet as we can possibly be. Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm drenched.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have wet hair from the shower. That was just the Start of it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, wet hair from the shower.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wet hair from the shower. I know, right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That is one of those.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's take everyone through a little bit about what we're talking about. What is Wet Day?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. If you're. If you're new to the holiday.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. Because I believe this is our 22. This is our fourth annual WED Day special.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Feels like more. Feels like we've been doing this for a long, long time.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is Wet Day? We created Wet day back in 2021. At the end of 2021.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And this is a tradition of Wet Day is to explain the history and the lore.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. We created it. And the concept of Wet Day is. Wet Day is a day where you get as wet as you can possibly be. Because on April 1, you have gone through so many pranks that people have played on you. Getting you wet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Squirting flowers. You know that you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A paddle of water over the door.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly. Like all of this. You're wet all day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You've had cutting your brakes. And you drive near a river.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've had nine days to dry off. And you want to be wet again. And so we celebrate.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's just long enough. You miss it. You're like, actually, that was fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

So that's what it is. April. It's April 10th every year. Which means it falls on a different day of the week every year. That's right. Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

One of those.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course, some of the things that we do, the Wet Day traditions. Poseidon, the Greek God, is the patron saint of Wet Day. But now Urkel is the new patron of Wet Day. It used to be Jim Belushi, but it is. I don't know why it is now Urkel, which is why we say many Urkels to you anytime you're on Wet Again. I don't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

What day is the day, of course, to spray Elon Musk with a civil rights grade fire hose. Michael Richards is a Wet Day thing due to him being sprayed in UHF by the same type of fire hose.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Waterworld, of course, is the Wet Day movie, 100%. And you have to go to the Waterworld stunt show on Wet Day, of course, At Universal Studios.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sit in the splash zone, make the pilgrimage.

[Scott Aukerman]

And if you don't celebrate Wet Day, which, for those of you out there, I wish you would, but if you don't celebrate it, go see Dude Moon.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's your movie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The absolute opposite.

[Scott Aukerman]

The opposite of Water World. Yeah. Weird Al should call himself Wet Al on Wet Day. Wet Day is not a religious holiday, but I think we should take bids from religion.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Even though it has a patron saint. Yeah, I like the idea of taking bids. Who wants it? Yeah. Who wants it Bad enough?

[Scott Aukerman]

Who wants it? It is a global holiday.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are we including cults? Can cults bid, sir?

[Scott Aukerman]

Any culture. Cults. Yeah, if you want to revitalize your cult. Hey, what was that one? Nixium nivium Nexium Nexium. Yeah, yeah, I almost. I got there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh. If people get brands of wet day.

[Scott Aukerman]

On their coins, just like drops of water. Brands of drops.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The water emoji. The spurting water emoji.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Put it right next to their private parts.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Get it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wet Day Eve, of course, is celebrated two months before on January 10, 2024, on wet day Eve. Hopefully everyone already did this on January 10th. You should put everything you own in the shower and then get on top of it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's more than two months before, I would say.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's three months before, probably.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Closer to that.

[Scott Aukerman]

In 2022. We mentioned you should begin decorating for wet Day on St. Patrick's Day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

What you do is you de moisten all of your things. You de moisten things starting October so you can start being really wet. Midnight on wet day. Eat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. You should start drying things out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Get your hair dryer. Make sure everything is as dry as it can be.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Leave the caps off of stuff. Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

The decorations, of course. For wet day, we string together popcorn and ice cubes and we place a wet tree outside our house or apartment. Open the window and then bend it so that it leans inside. That's right. The primary thing is the tree has to be wet. Not the wettest tree of all time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, no, no, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just the wettest tree you can find.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, obviously people like the great Christmas light fight. People will be competing in their neighborhoods to have the wettest tree.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. That's just slightly leaning into your window from outside.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All the families, of course, somebody has had cancer. That's what happens on the great Christmas flight fight, as we find out. Somebody has had cancer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. What do we do on wet day? We take a longer shower than usual. Now. Now 30 minutes exactly is how we take our showers on non wet days.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, that's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

We extend that to drought or. No, we extend that to 45 minutes on wet day. We sleep in a full tub, we visit wet places and we toss water balloons into local businesses at customers. We take the ink out of all of our pens and fill them with water and put that ink into vaudeville esque squirting flowers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

So that when you assume it will be a flower that squirts water at you, it squirts ink.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. And you don't know if. You have no idea if you've been hit by it. You have no idea until you look in the mirror.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, on Wet Day, regardless of your gender identity or your age, you should tell people I'm an old man. Because your fingers will be pruny and wrinkled from being wet. Very important, very important. You should tell the wettest story you have.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. That's fun for the family to do, to gather around and you know, of.

[Scott Aukerman]

Course you should host wet t shirt contests.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

100%. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

You should be doing that. Anyway, frankly, the official Wet Day after show is Watch Wet Happens Live. Which will be live regardless of where you are or what time it is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

And on this show they invite alcoholics of the past, present and future. Now here's something very important. I don't know. This is all in a document.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How do they get the future one?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. How do they determine that someone is in the future going.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You find. So you're invited on the show and you find out you're going to be an alcohol.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a big reveal.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh no, there's nothing you could do about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is very important. If you drink something on Wet Day, it should not have ice. If you do have to get something on the rocks, wait 30 minutes for the ice to melt and then drink it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Because although ice is wet, it's not as wet as water.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not as. It's not as wet as water. Now let's talk about the Wet Day carols. Because this is a big part of what Days is to join in with your friends and go traversing through the neighborhood and knocking on doors and singing Wet Day carols.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Number one with a bullet, of course was Wap.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wet Ass puss.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the number one Wet Day song. It's the jingle bells of wet day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now we also mentioned Going to Make youe Sweat by CNC Factory, which by the way, sweat has wet in it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's so true.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what I mean?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like you can't spell sweat without wet. You can't.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's very like, who, who's like, oh, what's that stuff coming out of our bodies?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You all sweat, sweat. You also can't spell sweater without wet. And maybe instead of wet tea or in addition to wet tea.

[Scott Aukerman]

Excuse me?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Instead of addition, in addition to wet T shirt.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wet sweater contest. Yes. We also have Bringing in the Sheaves is a Wet Day Carol.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yep.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because even though it's about wheat, you can just pronounce wheat as wet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yep.

[Scott Aukerman]

Also Keith Sweats entire discography. Apparently, we made a rule that you cannot fade songs out on Wet Day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, they have to have a hard stop.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hard stop. And in fact, any Wet Day Carol should have a NASA countdown letting you know it's going to end. The Wet Day Holiday band is wet, wet, wet. What are some gifts you can give people on Wet Day?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Should we. I think we should also include.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Well, there's a new. There's a new Wet Day Carol.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. That's right. It's been brought to our attention.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you want to hear it? I, I.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, I would like to hear.

[Scott Aukerman]

I cued this up. I was so excited. This came out about two months ago.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, it's not what I was thinking.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Well, this is. This is one I was very excited by.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, Bruno.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fat, Juicy and Wet, of course, by Sexy Red and Bruno Mars. When this came out, I was like, come on, now they're just trolling us. They want us to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But look, this is a thing that artists do is they feel like it's a surefire way to make money, is release a holiday album.

[Scott Aukerman]

And it'll be played every year on Wednesday.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Everybody's going after Mariah Carey. Does she have any Wet Day carols?

[Scott Aukerman]

She's. Yeah, I. I would love for. On one of her Christmas albums just to throw a Wet Day song in there. You know what I mean?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We should try to find out what her wettest song is. Yeah, I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me look that up. I wonder if AI would help me out with that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, please.

[Scott Aukerman]

GPT what is Mariah Carey's wettest song? All right. Let's see. Through the Rain is often cited as one of her most wet or sensual songs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's another song, though, that many people been. Have brought to our attention.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, God, I love this. Holiday Bus Stop by the Hollies.

[Scott Aukerman]

What? Bus Stop? Yes, Bus Stop Hollies. All right. I have this all queued up. We'll see. What? No AD No AD can you believe it? The Hollies are not monetizing their old songs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The second thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Second thing they say. Wet Day, Bus Stop, Wet day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I. That song goes on to mention umbrellas many times.

[Scott Aukerman]

The one thing I would say is it's not. Not Bus Stop Day Hollies. You know it's true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But maybe they're at the bus stop on Wet Day to go to the Universal Studios Studios.

[Scott Aukerman]

Water unspectacular. Let's talk about Wet Day gifts. Obviously, the bottled water is. Is traditional. Traditional. You put that in wet day stockings. But a wet car with a wet bow is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A giant wet bow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Giant wet bow. These are, of course, all of the things we've talked about on previous episodes, by the way, a couple episodes ago, Hannah Einbinder is aware of Wet Day and is taking it up the corporate ladder to help make it an official holiday. So that's very exciting. And then last week, Jon Hamm added another new wrinkle to it, which is Friday. He is now calling Dry Day. Friday Dry Day. Because that's the day after Wet Day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's. But it's not every year.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no. Just on the. On the few occasions that Wet day falls upon a Thursday, you get to Friday, then becomes Dry day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Tomorrow's dry day.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You have to act real sad.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, you do. They are a couple of gentlemen I mentioned and they've been on the show a few times before and I believe on Wet Day A. Please welcome back to the show. I can spike mink salmon.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm gonna tell you this once. We're only gonna say it once. We're not gonna say this again. Stay away from our granddaughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. This is the only time you're gonna say this. We. We promise you, okay? You're never gonna say it again.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We swear. The last thing we're ever gonna say again is, is stay away from our granddaughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so you're starting now. You're not gonna say this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We see your eyes. I know what you want to do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is she here?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Look, look. You're forcing us to say it again. Stay away from our granddaughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

So wait, don't ask where she is. Don't ask where she is. Just.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Then you'll walk over and you will not be.

[Scott Aukerman]

So it's a walkable distance.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Staying away from our granddaughter. So the last thing you want to do is wonder where she is. Because once you start wondering, you gotta start looking around. And if you spot her, we know you're gonna want to walk over and you can't because you have to continue to stay away from our granddaughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

My question is, it's a walkable distance to get to her. You said, why bring her so close to me if you want her to stay away from me?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Me. What you're doing right now is you're Skating on thin ice. You're counting your steps. How many steps am I from their granddaughter? You're looking at your Fitbit. You're saying, can I get 10,000 steps towards their granddaughter? Could I cross out some of my rings if I walk over to their granddaughter, Can I just put it in the dryer, turn it on, and make this stupid think that it won't walked around? Don't be tricking your Fitbit while you walk over to our granddaughter. There's two things you remember. Number one, don't be tricking your Fitbit. Number two, stay away from our granddaughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do you guys come by here to warn me? I feel like I've been getting too close to her.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe you don't understand. The reason we come here is to tell you stay away from our granddaughter. It makes more sense to tell you far away from her than close to her.

[Scott Aukerman]

So do you go to every podcast, like do you go to Smart Lists and tell those guys?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

And how is that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They haven't come near our granddaughter. They respect us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And if we, if they respect us, we respect them. We also go there to promote projects.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like occasionally. What do you have? What do you have on the horizon?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're releasing a line of dolls.

[Scott Aukerman]

A line of dolls.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow. Granddaughter decoys. Grand decoys, we call.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so some gds. And what are these are basically say.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Get close to our grand decoys.

[Scott Aukerman]

These are, these are dolls you can leave around the park.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And everybody wants to get close to a granddaughter. So you can buy a grand decoy to let it out on that grand decoy. All that granddaughter tracking that you want to do, you can do it on the ground. This is your outlet.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can circle it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You pull a string. It says get near me.

[Scott Aukerman]

I, I, I got. How much do these run for?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, we got one for you right now. Oh, msrp.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a lot of.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We know what it means.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Okay. 34, 998. That's more than a mid sized. Let me take the foil off of it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Show you.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Because we know you want to ask questions.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'd like to see it without.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Talk to them about their coloring books.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. Why are there so many layers of foil?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because we have a lot of foil.

[Scott Aukerman]

We have so much this, it's obviously this shy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is shiny as you that shine.

[Scott Aukerman]

God, it's obviously way smaller than what you're advertising it as because there are approximately.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We never said anything 10 layers of soils. We never talked about the size on Smartless.

[Scott Aukerman]

What did you talk about on smartness.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We talked about John Hayes's Broadway. That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shouldn't he talk about that? Why would you be.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Foods we can't have in the house. So we eat all of them immediately.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's, of course, Jason Bateman's line of interest.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Being wealthy. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

All the three of them. Okay, got it. Well, look. Okay, so now you've. You've just peeled back the 11th layer of foil. I can see the. The doll now. The grand decoy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And grand decoy is spelled the three for the e and a zero with, like, mine through it. Like what?

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, do you know who? Me. You guys should check out Megan. I mean, it's. Is that someone's granddaughter? Because we won't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Listen away. Listen to us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We won't go near anybody's granddaughter.

[Scott Aukerman]

So anyone you're tricking us into going next to somebody's granddaughter named Megan, we're.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not gonna do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. So anyone who is a granddaughter, you pledge to never even be near them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We pledge. Pledge. We went.

[Scott Aukerman]

We pledged of granddaughter.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And we pledge a granddaughter. We took the granddaughter's pledge.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, so here's the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's recite it right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. I pledge pledge allegiance. Allegiance to my granddaughter. I shall have no other granddaughters before me. If you are a granddaughter. I back one, two, three steps at least. Because being near any granddaughter other than my own is a sin. And God shall. Into a lake of fire.

[Scott Aukerman]

Amen. Wow. That's the granddaughter oath.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did we be savy?

[Scott Aukerman]

What did you say? Let's get to our next guest. She's a receptionist. Please welcome to the show for the first time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have September.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please Welcome.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have September 3rd at noon.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please welcome. Carolyn Parker is here. If you're willing to do it on your lunch break.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Carolyn, I understand lunch can be hard, too. I love to. I had macaroni and mayonnaise this morning for my lunch, and I knew I wanted. I wanted that for mine. So if. If lunch is not good, I can do 1pm Carolyn.

[Scott Aukerman]

Carolyn Parker is here. Carolyn, that's fine. Hold on.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Excuse me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sorry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. So 1:00pm on September 3rd. We'll see you with Dr. Beecher.

[Scott Aukerman]

See you then.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm so sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's quite all right. You're. You're a receptionist. So you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm a receptionist.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're in the middle of.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm a receptionist for Tombs and Beach Dentistry over in Burbank. Oh, okay. Howie. And how are you?

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I'm great. Scott Aerman, the host of the show welcome to the show. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And thank you for having me.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is. I can spike.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you. Hi. Hello. Hello. Hi. I. What's the name of your dentist office? It's Tombs and Beach Dentistry and we do full service and we. Once you're a client, if you see our granddaughter and you beach her, you're going to end up in a tomb. Oh, well, he. I'll tell you this.

[Scott Aukerman]

This.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Every. All. All children. How old is your granddaughter? Granddaughter age.

[Scott Aukerman]

Granddaughter.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. So she would need. She's probably just losing. Just losing molas. Has she lost her molars? She's only lost bolas. Everything else is intact. She's got most of her fronts and she's lost only molas. But don't get nearer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can you give her. Can you help her teeth without getting near? Of course. I'd love to have her come in and meet Dr. Beecher. I will send you the teeth. I primarily walk.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, do you ever do that where people mail in their teeth and they. And the dentist works on them and sends them back?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course we do. Of course we do. We're full service. We're full service dentistry. So somebody. Some people will ups their. Their of teeth into us and we will work on them and then we'll send them back. What about DHL Express? Oh, we. Actually, I was wrong and I. Forgive me. We only use DHL Express. That's good news. Good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you. Is that what you guys use or.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, no, that's fine.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you've been looking to start an account.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, we're waiting to see if we like the yellow and the red. The yellow and ketchup and mustard and your gr. What grade is your wonder? And I have to assume she's just gorgeous. She's the light of our life. So one of the things I'm doing here today is to find out what your tooth health is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, sure. How do you. How is there a quiz we can take or. Or do you need us to open up our mouths and you take one shortness.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you know one of the things? They shortened tooth elf to tooth.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, that's a great idea.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I could bring you on with Dr. Beach and maybe have you talk to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Him a little bit about that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Make sure it's on the phone because we don't want him near our granddaughter. He's not going to come near your granddaughter. I promise you. That's what all the dentists say. They wear masks and then all of a sudden they're putting that little thing on with the chain on our granddaughter and we're having to get crazy. We'd like to dig your word for it, but we've been burned burn too many times.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait a minute.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What did you say? They put the what on the little napkin with. The little napkin with the chain.

[Scott Aukerman]

You work in a dentist office. You must see these.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've never been. I've never been.

[Scott Aukerman]

You telling me you've never been back behind into the office?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Never had a checkup in my life.

[Scott Aukerman]

How are you going to check our tooth health?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, so one of the, the One of the ways we check tooth health is by the stink of your breath. Do you guys know how your breath breaths?

[Scott Aukerman]

What's the scale? What on the scale of what to what?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I would say, number one is beautiful breath. They call it the horse's whisper. Okay. Why? Well, I didn't come up with it. But the horse. The horse. You were never curious? I, I. Well, I've learned. It was my first question. Dr. Beecher does not allow me to ask a lot of questions. What about Dr. Beecher? Tuned. He's very. He allows curiosity all day long. Maybe you should ask him why you're staying away from our granddaughter. It's a great idea. I will ask him. In fact, I'll call him right now. Let me call him right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah. Do you, do you want to put it on the, on the figure? Yeah. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Put it on the glass.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll call Dr. You know, sir, mix a lot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Dr. Away from our grid.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, he did? What a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Excuse me. Is this Dr. Tomb?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi, Girly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hi. Very unprofessional. My, that's. My nickname is Girly. Everybody around the office calls me girly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know. Yeah. Why are you telling me that, Dr. Tomb? Why do they call? No, I'm sorry. I'm talking with some other people right now. I'm working. I'm working remotely today. Dr. Tomb.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe there's two Dr. Tubes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Go for it. I'm not abusing it. You know I wouldn't do that. Do you know why they call good breath the, the horse's whisper?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you. Thank you. Okay. No, you were supposed to ask why not if he knew. I'll call him back. I didn't. You never said that. Number two.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ah, yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, that's how it's done.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's how you do it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you're wondering what comedy is, you just heard it.

[Scott Aukerman]

If you're still wondering, I don't know what to tell you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You poor benighted fool. Go turn 201.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a lot of fun. Wet Day. Of course, Wet Day. Of course. We talk about it. April 10th.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

April 10th. But wet day Eve is months before January. Yes, that's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're almost at Wet Day Eve.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

God, we are.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. In just about a month.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Shit. I gotta get myself together.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have to. Okay, so Wet Day, obviously Paul and I do it, but then, you know, it's different people each time we've done it because not everyone's available all the time, but it was fun. This is Drew's first appearance on this year's Countdown as well. Drew, of course, is on the show. Running Point, I believe is what it's called with Kate Hudson. Hudson on Netflix. He plays Kate Hudson's brother. And I think he's always filming that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They have a 52 week filming schedule.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, it's crazy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He must be exhausted.

[Scott Aukerman]

But. So he's hardly ever available to do the show anymore.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They've made over 7,000 episodes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I mean, look, that's the trade off when you're in show business. Make 7,000 or something or be available for your family. But yeah, Drew and Paul, very funny. I'm hoping you guys can both do the Wet Day special this year because you in text form came up with a funny new wrinkle for your character. I don't want to say exactly what it is, but I remember texting you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I don't remember what it was.

[Scott Aukerman]

It made me laugh and I thought, okay, on Wet Day, we have to get into this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Was it to you, Andrew?

[Scott Aukerman]

Andrew? Yes. And you were both kind of riffing on it back and forth a little bit. And it was really making me laugh. So Paul's gonna look that up while I talk. And then Ryan, Ryan took. So the past couple of times Ryan's been on. Ryan. Oh, and he was on the long leg special at cbb, at CBB World recently where he took call. He, he, he's taken to. And he would do this on tourlower. He would take. He would call someone on the phone, much like what Lily was doing. And it was always a certain person. And everyone wonders who this person is. I'm not at liberty to disclose, nor am I. Who this person.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We know, we know we're not going to tell you.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're not going to tell. And I.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's a lot of speculation.

[Scott Aukerman]

Speculation. I in fact have asked Ryan, do you want to credit this person in the credits? And Ryan has asked me not to. So. So this person will go anonymous. But, but the on the Long legs special, he Called this person and had an on air conversation and then received a call from someone different people thought it was the same person. It's two different people on the Long Leg Special. And the second person who called is a celebrity who didn't know that who was just calling Ryan and then found out that they were on a podcast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

So listen for that. But it's two different people. Everyone thought it was the same person.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I want to say you were very funny in the Long Leg Special.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Army Hammer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, it really made me laugh.

[Scott Aukerman]

I watched about four clips of Army Hammer to prepare for that. And you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They paid off.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you so much. That was fun to do. Yeah. If you want to hear that, that's over at CBB World. That's Taran Killam, of course, from Saturday Night Live, who does the show a lot. Whenever he can. He's in New York a lot and Vancouver a lot. But he. We did. He does the character Long Legs, and we just did a hug Halloween special with various comedians playing unsavory types from movies.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Savory types.

[Scott Aukerman]

But, yeah, that's Ryan. Ryan's insane. An insane person.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Legitimately, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's troubled.

[Scott Aukerman]

The three of you, by the way, Drew, Ryan, and Paul, you were all cast members of the television show Bajillion Dollar Properties. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In which you were a guest star.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was a guest star and a producer.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Technically boss.

[Scott Aukerman]

And technically your boss. Although I never really acted like that was a cool boss.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You did try to fire me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I tried.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. A few times.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. But somehow you hypnotized me before the show, so where I couldn't say the actual words.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did you realize that I haven't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I would say you're. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like Fonzie. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're. You're Fonzie is what I would say.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You'd say you're Fonzie. I was like, oh, thank you very much. Hey, I'm cool.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I would walk away going, why can't I say this word? But if. If you want some laughs, there are four seasons of that that you can buy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a very funny show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very funny.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

One of my favorite things that I've ever done. Best job I ever had.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. It was so fun. Yeah. To. To just be there on set watching it. Much like Murray Head in One Night in Bangkok. What does he say? I'm just watching this show, controlling it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have no idea. I've never seen that.

[Scott Aukerman]

That. You've never seen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've heard one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've heard this song, all I know is one night in Bangkok.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm going to look up. What does he say?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know the very first line and that's about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bangkok, Oriental city. He says in neck of my neck.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Getting dirty and gritty.

[Scott Aukerman]

He says, of course, I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine. That's right, because he's an incel. But then he says, God damn it, where is it? God damn it. I hate this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You. You wrote it. Your ass wrote a check.

[Scott Aukerman]

And thank God I'm only watching the game, controlling it. Yeah, exactly what I said. I didn't need to look it up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's watching the game and controlling it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How does that work?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so he says, I am's gonna be the witness to the ultimate test of cerebral fitness. Because he's talking about this chess game he's gonna play. This is from the musical Chess. But the way this grips me more than would a muddy old river or reclining Buddha. And thank God I'm only watching the game, controlling it, I think, because he's not. I'm trying to remember the plot of Chess, but he's not playing in it. I know the Russian guy is trying to defect to America. I don't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Currently it's still on Broadway, right? Lea? Michelle.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, are they doing it on Broadway? I'd like to see it, if possible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Michelle and two other people. Aaron. Aaron. Devit.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, man, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Madness.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the song Anthem.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What? I don't know. I don't get you. Okay, do you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you understand that other people can have. But I was clicking my arm, Paul. Sorry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe I was clicking mine too.

[Scott Aukerman]

You.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The.

[Scott Aukerman]

Out of you. It's only taken us several hours to get to this point. Look, did we take a break? We. We have to at this point.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

We didn't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We did.

[Scott Aukerman]

We didn't. We have to take a break. Okay, when we come back, we have the top episode of the year and.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The conclusion of the Snowman Game.

[Scott Aukerman]

Snowman Game. That's right. Do you think it's going to be the neighborhood listed episode? No, I don't either, but I'm sorry I dangled that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That'.

[Scott Aukerman]

I will be right back. Hey, this podcast comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Squarespace. What's Squarespace? I've been talking about them for a decade now. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help your business stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or maybe you're scaling your business. Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand and get paid all in one place. Every dream needs a domain, doesn't it? I've always said that. I said that before Squarespace came along. Every dream needs a domain. Squarespace Domains makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all inclusive price, no hidden fees or add ons required. And with Squarespace's collection of cutting edge design tools, anyone can build a beautiful professional online presence that perfectly fits their brand or business. Start with Blueprint AI, Squarespace's AI Enhanced Design partner, or choose from a library of professionally designed and award winning website templates. I don't know why I'm doing this voice now. No matter where you start, your website is flexible to what you need. Head to squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code Bang bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. As the daughter of immigrants, financial struggles were part of my everyday reality. In high school, I became homeless and had to live in a women's shelter. Thankfully, being an Apia McDonald Scholar enabled me to attend college and begin a new chapter in my life.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Life.

[Scott Aukerman]

And now my reality is filled with endless possibilities. McDonald's has awarded nearly $4 million through APIA scholars to support students. Learn more at APA next.com Adam Pally.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Here and I'm John Gabris.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're a couple actors and best friends who you may know as the host of the TV show 101 Places to Party before you die.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now we're bringing you a comedic look at health and wellness with our new show, Staying Alive.

[Scott Aukerman]

We'll have guests like our friend AB actor Jerry O', Connell, ketamine therapist Dr. Steven Radowitz, Paul Shear, Ego Wodom, Jillian Bell, Dr. Dolittle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Staying alive with John Gabris and Adam Pal is out right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Get them a week early and ad free with SiriusXM podcast plus on Apple.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Podcasts.

[Scott Aukerman]

Comedy Bang Bang best of 2025 part four and we're here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is it, baby. It's all led to this.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's all led to this moment.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A century in the making.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. The past 100 years from 1925 till now. Do you think that leading up to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This point, do you think that podcasts are hereditary and that maybe.

[Scott Aukerman]

I hope so.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your great great grandfather had an idea that would eventually be what this show is. I like. Okay, let's say your great great grandfather he's some. I don't know, some hick somewhere there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Some Nazi.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's so Nazi. He's taking. He's taking a break from being a Nazi. He's smoking a cigarette.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And he thinks to himself, I'd love to talk to some weirdos, if only.

[Scott Aukerman]

There was a way. And then that technology hasn't caught up with this yet, but.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And it gets. It gets fleshed out with each succeeding generation.

[Scott Aukerman]

I wonder about that a little bit because I do think that my father, who was in the military and then worked in the. The airline industry making machine parts and stuff like that. I do think he. He was a bit of a performer in church, and he would sing solos and stuff in church and be in there. Church plays and stuff.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Church plays?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. What? Heard of church plays? No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like, Goof Isn't Gallant. Shit.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was in a few church plays and growing up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's a church play? What do you.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's the band presentation that you put on? Like, I think I was in a Jonah one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bible stories.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. But then when I was like. I think when I was in a teenager, there was a Christian comedy group that put out records. Like, skit records. Yeah. And we did a bunch of their sketches, and I was in one of those. So stuff like that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think it would be great if there was a church soap opera that.

[Scott Aukerman]

They would do live every week. You would come and get a little update on your story.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's how you get people to come to church.

[Scott Aukerman]

Church. Would it have to be about Bible characters like Joseph?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, no. It would be about, like, maybe who worship. Like, I mean, like, Roman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Honestly, like, when you leave the church, you find out that a lot of that stuff was going on. All this soap opera stuff.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. You know, but I. It could be like Romana Clef, you know?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like, what's the show called?

[Scott Aukerman]

What is that show called? Oh, Emily and Perry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. Zendaya.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, Euphoria.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Euphoria.

[Scott Aukerman]

No. Euphoria.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is this play about us? It would be like that. People in the congregation. Well, there's a. Okay. In Euphoria.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I watched the first season.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

The second, but then I wasn't horny enough to watch the second.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I understood if you just jerked off. Like, I can't watch the season now In. In the second season, I think it is. Judd Apatow's daughter puts on a play that dramatizes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh. Everything that's been going on.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. And this is with full cooperation of the school.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. And schools never really check that kind of. Although I. I will say we used to do lip sync competitions at school. And there was a year where three of the hot girl seniors did Vanity six. They did Nasty Girl, and they all dressed up in lingerie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's nasty.

[Scott Aukerman]

And. And their girl girls, they. They basically gyrated around to this song about sex. And it made the school institute a rule where a. An advice. A teacher who is the advisor had to watch all of the performances before they went on because.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Very basic. I know, but.

[Scott Aukerman]

But that year they hadn't done it. And so these girls just writhed around singing about how they needed seven inches. And it was just like, why would.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You ever trust teenagers?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why would you. You ever trust teenagers about anything?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So the. There's people watching the play. I don't know why they went. But these students go to the play and then one of them is like, wait, is this play about us? It.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sometimes when you're watching something about high school, people are so far removed from high school, they don't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Or.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know people make concessions because dramatically, you have to get those characters into the theater to watch this. But you cannot not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I mean, you have to get the characters into the theater if you are supporting the idea that they would make this play about.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, these.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I mean, sometimes I feel like people making content about high school. Just think back about that. Like. Oh, yeah, the plays at school, those were all just mandatory for everyone to go to, right? No, they weren't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They were not. Although we had to do. I remember we would do shows that would be like. Our preview show would be in front of the school. School.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like, we would do an afternoon performance.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, interesting. And everyone had to go to it. I guess that's one way to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was like an assembly. You know what I mean? So it's like, look, do you wanna.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I was wrong.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You have to be here till this. This time of day.

[Scott Aukerman]

You may as well.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wouldn't you like to not do and watch a show? Watch your classmates embarrass themselves?

[Scott Aukerman]

Would people get in trouble if they yelled stuff out during the show?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They would, but they were pretty respectful, I have to say. I don't remember.

[Scott Aukerman]

So they wanted to watch your.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was a Catholic school as well.

[Scott Aukerman]

They wanted to watch your teacher kissing that student.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did they ever listen to that tale on an episode of Threedom?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. At least one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Probably 12.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did I. Did I share the clip with you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I think so. Yeah. Because you were digitizing all.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah, I watched it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

During Quarantine. Yeah. Chilling.

[Scott Aukerman]

Chilling stuff. Paul's teacher said announced to the. To the. His drama students that he was going to play the lead in the play and that meant he had second.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He was not again, remember, he was not even the drama teacher.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. He was a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He was the Italian teacher. Right. And the drama teacher, a priest told us this teacher is going to be playing this part. Emil Dubeck in South Pacific.

[Scott Aukerman]

The machinations for that to happen behind the scenes. Corrupt. I really want to know about that, by the way. Not the most corrupt thing to happen in the Catholic Church, number two.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But I think the church soap opera would be the. That would be the dessert for you. Sticking around for the vegetables of church.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. And here's. Here's a bunch of juicy tales. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And it's all. It's all morality based.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, and everyone. People that do bad things get punished.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's not. It's not like steamy like they get.

[Scott Aukerman]

And unlike life.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Unlike life, justice is always served.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, that's a good idea. Thank you. You know what else is a good idea is taking a break.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Break.

[Scott Aukerman]

I agree. We need to take a break. When we come back, we're gonna have the number one. Wait, did we take the break already? I don't even know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't fucking know, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

If we did, I apologize. We're gonna. I don't know. Did we take the break?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Here's what's gonna happen. We're gonna stop talking for a second.

[Scott Aukerman]

For just a second.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And if there needs to be a.

[Scott Aukerman]

Break, there will be a break. If not, we're just gonna like. You'll hear a one second pause. How's that? And if you don't like it, you can fucking lump it. It.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, you, you.

[Scott Aukerman]

We don't give a. All right, we're going to take a break or we're just going to pause for a second. We'll either be right back or really right back after this. And we're back. Or we just took a one second break. We have no idea.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And guess what's going to happen now? And there's nothing you can do about it. We're going to give you the number one episode.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is exciting. Let's do it. This is your choice. You, the listeners, chose. What is your favorite episode of the year? This is your number one. All right, this, Paul, is episode.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We just coming back from a break.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, this definitely. I'm pretty sure we just came back from hearing the singer say number one. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Which I count as a break.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a break. Yeah. Mental break. Yeah. This is episode number break. Mental beef. This is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He had a psychotic beef.

[Scott Aukerman]

He had a psychotic beef. Beef. He beefed with reality. Oh, boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He had a full mental beef down.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, this is episode number 9 00.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is squarely in the early, early 900.

[Scott Aukerman]

About as early, early 9 hundreds as you can get.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just about.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm just squeaking in there. And this is an episode called what's up, Cool Cat?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Oh, boy. We know who's involved in this. This is Jason Mantzoukas.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Again, we have Andy Daly and we have Mr. Paul F. Tompkins.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What a fun time this was.

[Scott Aukerman]

This was, I gotta say, a lot of times. Okay, so we do these special episodes. We do special Christmas episodes. We've heard those clips. We do special anniversary episodes. These are like big gang episodes. And then ever since the 200 Jason Manzoukas and I were having would do an episode with Andy Daly. And now we started. Then Paul got involved a few years back and has done. And now we do them once a year on the 50s or 1/ hundreds, sometimes on the 75s or 25s.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. But usually when we're, like, beefing off a new 50.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

When we beef off a new 50, we all get together and we do these episodes. And sometimes I think, oh, people just vote for them because of legacy things or whatever. But, yeah, listening to this clip, it's pretty funny. It's really funny. I was like. Like, I hadn't listened to this since we did it, and I was just like, oh, what did we talk about on this one? What do we have? We have Jason Mandukas as himself, and we talk a little bit about the Dread Zeppelin documentary.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course we do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course we're over 50. Why wouldn't we? And then Andy comes back as August Lindt, who is a pretzel maker from Dusseldorf. And Paul, you are doing the return of a character you'd only done once before, I believe Mason. I clodge.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

You did him on tour.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's a little boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Little boy. And we hear about his details. And then. I don't want to spoil what happens after that, but we'll hear a big chunk of it. A lot of fun stuff happens.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Agreed.

[Scott Aukerman]

It all sort of relates back to lore that we've discussed on previous episodes, most of these being the hundreds or the fifties. But you don't have to have listened to any of Those to know what's going on, but don't. In fact, I hope you neuralize yourself so that you'll not know about anything that's ever occurred in your life. Let's hear it. This is your choice for the best episode of the year. This is your number one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Number one.

[Scott Aukerman]

J Dog, so great to see you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's happening, Scotty?

[Scott Aukerman]

What is happening indeed. I, I. Now, normally you come on the show and you are not promoting really anything.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Nope. Because I, I'm not, I'm, I'm not here to promote. I'm not here here to sell myself or my wares. I'm here for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's usually. But you did say that you really wanted to promote a new film that's, that just came out. It's called Dread Zeppelin, A Song of Hope. And it's a documentary about Dread Zeppelin. Is that right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I'm not gonna lie. I have watched all 1 hour and 22 minutes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, you watched this too?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, because I watched it. You watched it too? Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I always watched the movies.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I never thought you would have done it. Now I watched it and I will say, say they cut all my interviews out.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were interviewed for this interview at length? I did.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They cut it all out.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was interviewed for the Sparks movie, Sparks Brothers at the same time as they were asking me Dread Zeppelin questions.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

So all would ask a Sparks question and then the director of this movie would ask me a Dread Zeppelin.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, so it was a double interview.

[Scott Aukerman]

Double interview.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's smart. That's smart. So you're wearing the same outfit in both.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly. And then they just cut everything out. I don't. So that's weird. Yeah. Because we're such huge Dread Zeppelin.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Massive Dread Zeppelin fans. I mean, we're Dreadheads.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course. Now if you don't know who we're talking about, who could blame you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Then turn this off because you're not going to enjoy the rest of the show.

[Scott Aukerman]

And turn 50.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We urge you audience to enjoy this year of comedy bang bang, turn 50.

[Scott Aukerman]

But this is a movie that I guess we both have watched, even though they did not use our interviews. And it just tells the and chronicles, really, the entire history of Dread Zeppelin.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. The band that plays reggae versions of Led Zeppelin songs with an Elvis plays.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Into all different cover songs in a slightly reggae, heavy metal version.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. And it has an Elvis impersonator as the lead singer. Yes. Tor Telvis Tortelvis. Yes. Whose real name is John Tortel.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

We have to get to our next Guests. We have a couple coming in here at the same time. First of all, he works at a factory at a. Making some sort of confection or snack item.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Food factory.

[Scott Aukerman]

Food. Some sort of food factory. I can't recall.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You really can't remember that food?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wait, I know that voice. I know the voice, but I can't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Remember the specific kind of food that I do. I've been on popcorn. No, it's chips. I think it's a chip guy. Oh, my God. Right? I'm not as insulted about chips as I am by popcorn. What is that?

[Scott Aukerman]

What's the theme to Popcorn, which we always sing when you come on the show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, you couldn't. There's no reason to sing about the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Popcorns when I am here because I.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Have nothing to do with popcorn. You have nothing to do with popcorn? Don't you do the salt on popcorn? Good Lord. This is like. I can't tell you, trail mix. I'm going to become so mad in a moment.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're not going to August out, are you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm going, yes. And I turn red now. It used to be green, now it's red. We're not really good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, let me introduce you. August Lint is here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Here. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello. Hello. August.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

August Lint. It's chocolate lint. Chocolate lint.

[Scott Aukerman]

Chocolate, yes. Surprise.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thanks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because the chocolate gets stuck in your belly button. What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That might be why they called that chocolate lint, but not why I named him.

[Scott Aukerman]

I work at the Schmeiderberg Pretzel factory. Oh, right, right. Schneider. I knew Schneiderberg well.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The.

[Scott Aukerman]

The person sneezing. We have to introduce them. August Lint is here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's introduce him. We. I first encountered this young man on the Comedy Bang Bang tour this. This last year. I can't remember the city.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It feels like essentially we met in Denver.

[Scott Aukerman]

Denver. That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Denver. Please welcome. He's a little boy. Mason. I clodge. Hi, Mason.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hi, sir.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi. It's great to see you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's nice to see you. Thanks for having me on the show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's my. My pleasure. This is August Lint. He's. He works in a factory. Factory. Hello. Hi.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hello. We keep spanking at the. Speaking at the same time.

[Scott Aukerman]

You keep spanking. When I see a little boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hi, Dr. Freud. I was thinking of spanking you, but how old are you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Masons. How. Yeah, how old are you? 10 years old. And you know, working in a factory is one of the great jobs that you could have. Have possibly in your future. Do you put the salt on. I can't. No, you just inspect it to make sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Inspect the salt?

[Scott Aukerman]

You inspect the salt to see if it's good or. Or that the right amount has been put on.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, my God. This ridiculous. Try to explain again. The salts come down on a conveyor belt toward me. I stop the belt. I inspect each salt. In front of me, I have a pile of salts that is good enough for pretzels. Salts that is not good enough for pretzels.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are those salts doing in the factory?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What do you mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

The ones that are not good enough for enough, it seems like just bring in salt that's good enough to be on the belt.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So how long is the belt stopped for that? Like that, like negates the point of a conveyor belt. I don't think it should be. And it didn't used to be a machine that did this at all. It was used to be. I had a woman who would come with a tray of salts and I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Would say, I'm done with this tray.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And she would come and take it away. But now everything is becoming automated. They turned her into a robot belt.

[Scott Aukerman]

They turned her into it. They didn't just replace her with this thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's how it was explained to me. And sometimes I hear the machine crying. My dad says that you if eventually all people are going to be replaced and they'll have other things to do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like what?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, serve their masters.

[Scott Aukerman]

One thing we found out about Mason on tour. Who's your dad again?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Essentially, my dad is one of the lizard people that lives under the Denver airport. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And you were lost or orphaned at the airport. Is that what happened? I.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

My dad said he found me. So he's not your biological father. You are not half living lizard. He's the dad who stepped up.

[Scott Aukerman]

You remember your life before?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Vaguely, right? A little bit. Essentially, I remember being in a house and being in a crib. And then essentially I remember my dad finding me there. Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right where he found you in a house, in a crib.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. And then he took you underneath the Denver airport and raised you. Yeah. Why are there lizards living under the Denver airport? Lizard people. Oh, yeah, lizard people.

[Scott Aukerman]

But still, why half lizard, half people?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because the time isn't right yet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yet they're planning some sort of a hostile takeover.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It won't be so bad. Everybody will have a job to do. Nobody. No more ladies will get turned into conveyor belts. This is distressing news to me that the whole planet's going to be taken over by lizard People? Is that what you're trying to say? Essentially, yeah. Do the lizard people, do they have a taste for salt, like. Or pretzels even? I guess. But, you know, essentially they're more of sweet than savory.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow. They're more of a sweet tooth. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So, like chocolate, cool. Gonna be a lot of it. But if you can make chocolate, essentially, you would be viewed as a high value human.

[Scott Aukerman]

In any case, just check the salt before it gets to the step.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, for Christ's sakes. The sword comes from the Donnerkil Depression in Ethiopia. From the salt bed there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course. Yeah. And it is chiseled up there by children.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then it is shipped to Germany.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then it is put on a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Train and then a truck, and then now it is fed into a conveyor belt to get to me. You need to move to Ethiopia. Yes. So that every piece that's chiseled by.

[Scott Aukerman]

Children, you are signing up for even better.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So from their tiny little hands, you get to pick what salt is. What? And whatever gets sent to the Schneiderberg boom, it's on breath.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're going to run this up the chain, please, because I have been there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's extremely inhospitable.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've been there on vacation?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've taken a vacation. To the dronachiel depressions, yes. Yes. Is that the only place to get salt? Well, it's the only place that Schneiderberg Pretzel sources at salt. We have a special deal there.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's the deal?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's the deal with salt? There was a deal that Dolman Schmeiderberg made that it specifies there will be children, laborers who can be scalded by geothermal activity at any moment.

[Scott Aukerman]

So he didn't care about the price at all. He just wanted to make sure it was chill children somehow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, well, there is a belief that kids pick the best salt.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true. The tiny fingers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's good for picking, but not for inspecting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, it is the discernment of an adult. No offense, Mason.

[Scott Aukerman]

There was something you came here to talk about, wasn't there, August?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah. You want me to just quickly tell it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, no, I want you to tease it, because we're going to take a break, and when we come back, you can tell everyone I have a dire.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Warning for the people of your country.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no. We are back here. Jason Mandukas is here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Promoting the movie A Song of Hope.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh. Dread Zeppelin.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dread Zeppelin documentary.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And they're eligible for induction into the Rock and Roll hall of Fame.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. The documentary makes that clear.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We've talked about it. Because one of the guys who comes on the show frequently is always talking about the Rock and Roll hall of Fame and getting that acapella group that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does the Christmas albums these. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

These days.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who are they, Sean?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's the name of the guy that talks about them?

[Scott Aukerman]

I remember he's a water skier.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh. You used to start the song. It would be like. And then you would say. What would you say? What would you used to start the show with before you did, like. User submitted catchphrases.

[Scott Aukerman]

How's it going, Cool Cats?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How's it going, Cool Cats?

[Scott Aukerman]

How's it going, Cool Cats?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was Cool Cat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, Cool Cat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was the character. Cool Cat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cool Cat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's, like, super obsessed with getting acapella Band into the rock.

[Scott Aukerman]

Pentatonix.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pentatonix.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, Pentatonix.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is it pentaton? I think it's the ones that did Carmen San Diego.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Rock A. I'm 90% sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

How do you know Rockapella? Mason?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm a kid. Cool Cat. Yeah. Mason goes rock. Cool Cat's obsessed with. What's up, Cool Cat? It's me, Cool Cat. I hurt my name.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my God. Cool Cat. You're back.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're back, baby. Yeah. Trying to get Panty John to get to the Rock and Roll hall of Fame. Oh, you do. It's pentatonic.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not. It's not rock capella.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, we were wrong. Great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. It's. It is pentatonix. Are. Are they even eligible?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pentatonix? Yes. 25 years since their first record.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's all it takes, man. They. Their. Their origin is 2011.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, we have a problem.

[Scott Aukerman]

We have a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It might have been Rockabella.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's what I said.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Rock.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Yeah, because you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That was your thing. You kept saying you're a Rockapella fella. That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, they've been around since 1986, so obviously they're. They're eligible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where in the world am I? Whoa. I'm Ernie Rocks, the lead singer of Rockapella. Ernie Rocks. How did I get here? How did you get here?

[Scott Aukerman]

You might have been conjured.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We said the word Rockefeller a bunch of times. Did you say Rockefeller? And the Rock and Roll hall of Fame?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. That was it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's what did it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, are you Cool Cat, your biggest fan? I'm Cool Cat, your biggest fan. Oh, man. I'm your biggest fan. Get out of Here. It's true. Cool cat. I love everything you do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Everything.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Everything.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, cool cat, by the way, we should describe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you're cool to see these two people.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're a 10 foot tall cat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And you are freezing cold.

[Scott Aukerman]

Your paws are under your. Your armpits.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I like the way your breath comes out in little clouds. Wherever I am, it's cold. I don't know, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, the temperature has dropped 30 degrees by the way.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't mind it. I like. I like to chill this day out. Yeah, it's cuz I'm so cool.

[Scott Aukerman]

You are cool.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm trying to be cool. You're succeeding.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean you're cool temperature wise. But you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know, but I want to be cool. I think you're cool in all the ways. Thanks, Rock. But you're.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're wearing glasses. You have a pocket protector. You're wearing high water pants.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're wearing clothes.

[Scott Aukerman]

You are wearing clothes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You have feline acne. First of all, I keep buying sunglasses and the glass falls out and they look like nerd glasses.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay? That's what it is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It keeps happening. Every time I buy pair of sunglasses, the lens has fallen off.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. But you know, you can take care.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When.

[Scott Aukerman]

When did this happen?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just on my way here today. Then why just like take the. Take the frames off, but then I'm going to lose them. Okay. Well, yeah, I don't want to get the lenses replaced. Do you go to the same place to buy sunglasses? Every time? I go to the Sunglass Hood. I hunting in beach. Maybe don't go there anymore. All right. I'm down there all the time because I'm a surfer.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're a surfer? Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But cats hate water. I know. Actually, I'd love to see cool cat go up against the lizard dad.

[Scott Aukerman]

The lizard dad? Yeah. Or this other guy that I. That I know from. I. I mean. Cool Cat. You've been on the show multiple times.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, we love cool Cat.

[Scott Aukerman]

So is another guy. This guy that we used to conjure by.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would love a cool cast.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like a. Yes, I was saying we used to conjure him by saying. What's up hot dog? What's up guys?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, what's going on? Who the is this? This is.

[Scott Aukerman]

I hate to say about a surfer.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why the would you bring me here when there's a surfer here, man?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry, man. The war between the surfers and the. And the water skiers. I totally forgot about it when I conjured you both. Both here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's hotter than ever right now. The war is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, sure, but not in this room because obviously it's really cold in here, man.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why is it so cold? Interestingly, you guys, essentially it's because the ten foot cat makes things cold in here. I'm looking. Hi.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey. This is Mason Iclodge.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Mason Ignatius Clodge.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hi. What's going on? Mason and also Hot Dog, this is Ernie. Right. Rocks, the lead singer. Rock Rockella at your service. Oh cool.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Rockell is a vocal group that's trying to get into the Rock and Roll hall of Fame.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, where in the world do we go to fill out our ballots? Look, the entire Rock and Roll hall of Fame needs to be shut down until Shana now gets in there. Nobody else.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shut it down.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Shut it down. It shut it down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Even the museum aspect of it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Even the museum aspect. So not just admission. No new members. You're saying Shut the whole thing. It's time to take extreme action. Because it has been so long that Shaona has been eligible. They are dying off. They are no longer performing live shows.

[Scott Aukerman]

We've seen their website.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. It's time to get Shannon I into the Rock and Roll hall of Fame. No more around. Okay, so this sounds like a verbal thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Threat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who am I threatening?

[Scott Aukerman]

The Rock and Roll hall of Fame as an entity. I guess all of the employees.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Until they get. Until your band gets in. You're. You're going to shut them down? Yes. My dad has some friends who live under the Rock and Roll hall of Fame.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But I. I can tell them to stand down and stand by. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

This might be something to. Yeah. By the way, I'm on shananad.com.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well. Uhhuh.

[Scott Aukerman]

And it has. It's a four step process. Let it be known Sha will no longer tour as a concert group.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. This is like the Ringo Star announcement.

[Scott Aukerman]

To our fans, thank you for your support over five decades of Rock and roll. To our musicians, thank you for all your talent and dedication.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

To all. Good night, sweetheart.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Beautiful. Is this how the musicians found out that they weren't going to be played for Shot A Naughty board? The touring band. Okay. Rockefeller's still touring, right man? Oh yeah. We're gonna be on the Malt Shot Memories Cruise. What? Cool Cat, we'd be honored if you would join us on the cruise to introduce us. I'll be surfing right behind you. Ladies and gentlemen. Rock.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh Cool Cat, we love you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Fuck man. Cool Cat was just already invited to join Rockapella. And you Hot dog spent Years trying to get into Sha Na Na, only to be rebuffed every single time. And Cool Cat already on the tour. Already on the cruise. Well, you know, look, I didn't come here to start any troubles, but I would say, like, it's not really so exciting to get invited into a band like Rockefeller. I'm talking about Shawna. No, no, that's a whole. Just to be clear and insult received, but we did not invite Cool Cat to be a member of the band just to introduce us on the tour.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay? Cool.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Cool Cat. I hope that's clear.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry, Cool Cat, did you think you were a member of the band?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I did. I mean, but you. You even. You said you'd be surfing right behind us. We can't. That doesn't help us as a band.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cool Cat, you're licking your paws.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, Cool Cat, it got even colder.

[Scott Aukerman]

Circle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Cool Cat's licking a patch of fur until it's raw. Oh, no, Cool Cat, don't get a hot spot. I have a skin allergy. Turtle injection.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, Cool Cats.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Listen, though, I have a dire warning for your nation. All seven of us have forgotten about that dire warning.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think I was here when it was chicken. Oh, and Hot dog as well. I don't think you were here either.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ernie wasn't here either. Don't tell me Pentatonix has finally summoned the dark lord. Oh, no. Okay, then it's time for me to tell you. Don't buy Greenland. I have been there on a barefoot walking tour of Greenland.

[Scott Aukerman]

Barefoot walking tour.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It is so incredibly inhospitable. They call it the Greenland, but there's no green in there.

[Scott Aukerman]

There. It's one of those ironic titles, right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I guess so. David's being sarcastic. Who names their country sarcastically?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The nicest thing truly in the whole land of Greenland is a prison they drew. They have a beautiful new prison.

[Scott Aukerman]

August, you mentioned a dire warning for us, though. This doesn't sound dire to me. Like this. I mean, as far as dire warnings go, this is like a three.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, you.

[Scott Aukerman]

You. You teased a dire warning before the break, and honestly, you've come up short.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But I could try to come up with another dial warning if you're disappointed by that one.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I just as warnings. I would call it a warning, not a dial.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, it's not a dial. I don't want to tell you the other thing, though.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you don't want to tell it, then we can move on.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess we can move. Well, to be honest, I'M a little intrigued.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know if this even qualifies as a dial warning, but it's just like every Schmeiderberg Pretzel that's been shipped to the United States is poisoned. Every? Yeah, by my previous assault woman.

[Scott Aukerman]

The one who's a machine now?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. From what I understand, she was upset about being turned into a machine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why don't you stop the the boat or whatever it's on from coming in rather than just announcing on a podcast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If they are coming on boats, I do think that Hot Dog and Cool Cat could be a first line of defense. Defense? I'm not working with this guy. Forget about it. He's trying to get.

[Scott Aukerman]

You and Cool Cat Hot Dog need to partner up and stop this boat from poisoning America.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Me on water skis and him surfing. Yeah, that's right. What's so bad about that? Water skis. Don't do it, Cool Cat. Stick to your principles.

[Scott Aukerman]

Stay out of this, bro. You want to be poisoned?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe I do. How do you know? I've never eaten a pretzel in my life, but. So maybe I have no skin in the game.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've never eaten one pretzel? Nope.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, as you can see, I am wearing a vest full of pockets of pretzels all up and down it.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is like a John Popper style.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Vest, but I don't know who that. Pretzels instead of pretzels. I can give you one. Stay away from me. I don't want a pretzel now at this late date. I just turned 50. It's never too late to get into pretzels. Wait, sing that again. It's never too late to get into pretzels. One more time. It's never too late to get into pretzels. Oh, my gosh. Hey, August. Yeah? Would you ever consider a change of career? What kind of a career? You're talking about Salt Inspector 4 or something else. The members of Rockefeller are dropping like flies. Oh, man. Could you come in and be one of the members of Rockefeller? Bella Hot Dog looks so sad.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you mean?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why are you offering August late to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Place at the bed when I want.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To be the be. I've never heard you sing Cool Cat.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's never too late to get into bed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no. Now I'm worried about the introduction even.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you heard of caterwauling?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's really not cool, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's what?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's not a cool thing to say to a cat.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's based on cats. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Watch this now. Oh, where am I?

[Scott Aukerman]

I said cats.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What am I doing here?

[Scott Aukerman]

And Lord Andrew Lloyd Weber featured. Hello.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh my God.

[Scott Aukerman]

Weber.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Al Dubs.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's up?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jason Mantoukis. Great to see you. Who are these people? Okay, now this is going to take a minute. Yes, Hot Dog is here. August Lynch. Yes. Cool Cat. Have you met. I haven't met this gigantic. Welcome.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you see his butt? Oh, God.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now you know I have written a musical that features anthropomorphic cats. And yet here you are, the real article. 10ft tall. Yeah, I got a beef with you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Watch this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I auditioned for that show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I auditioned for the touring show. I auditioned for the revival in the West End. I auditioned for the movie. I didn't even get a fucking callback one time. Well, I'm not in charge of the sort of the casting, you see, I maybe make final decisions, but in the early stages, that is being in charge.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I mean.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean I'm not there at the preliminary casting, you see, but I'm going.

[Scott Aukerman]

To fucking audition right now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Memory. This is beautiful. What will become of Andrew?

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't make him mad. He's 10ft tall. He's towering above you right now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And he is our is. He is our nation's first line of defense against poison pretzels that are coming from Germany.

[Scott Aukerman]

August, are the pretzels going to England by any chance?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, yeah, if they don't get all eaten up in America. First America, then over the England.

[Scott Aukerman]

What needs to happen as far as I'm concerned is you need to give Cool Cat a callback and cast him in something in order to placate him so that he'll be the first line of defense along with Hot Dog so that these pretzels never reach America. And then with sloppy seconds, to England.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Cool Cat, I like your energy.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You've impressed me here today. Your interpretation of the song Memory was bold and new.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you very much.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We'd like to bring you back to see how well you can move. Well, I move like a cat. Well, but that's. We'll have to have you meet with the choreographer and we'll see. Wait a minute. Is this a callback? It is. That's all I wanted. Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cool cats.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Cool Cat gets the callback. Will you please, please save his Majesty and all of Britain from these poison pretzel?

[Scott Aukerman]

So look, I mean, Hot Dog, you've gotten what you wanted. And Cool Cat, you've gotten what you wanted.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

August, I believe you've gotten what you wanted. Okay, well, seems like Everybody got what they want but me. Mason, what did you want, man? Like, I don't know. I don't want much, I guess. I just want to meet my real parents.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you know anything about them? Any. Any?

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you go into your mind palace and tell us what you see when you're in that crib?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, hold on a second.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is there a calendar on the wall?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, I'm back. Oh, wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Essentially, I see a big mobile and I hear, like. Like a nursery rhyme, but just a instrumental version.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So no singing whatsoever? No. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. So your parents are people who don't like singing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh. And I saw a lady leaning over me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And she was saying, you're my beautiful boy. That.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's probably your mother. Young child.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Then I saw a big lizard knocking her out of the way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. So you're remembering the night it all happened?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I guess.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And essentially, the lizard says, I'm gonna take you home now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was there maybe a checkbook on the desk that had their names on it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Or. I know you were in a crib, but could you read any. Any words? I remember seeing a checkbook. Can you read, like, what. Any of the recent. Like, is it. Were there carbon copies? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could see the imprint of the previous check.

[Scott Aukerman]

What did they say?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The check says Mr. And Mrs. David Clodge, 1246 Elmhurst Drive, Denver, Colorado.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. So you got to keep your last name.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I guess so.

[Scott Aukerman]

So David Clodge is your. Is your father. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We could look him up and give him a call. Right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure. In the 80014 zip code.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Okay. I don't know how many Claudges could be in the phone call. Yeah, sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Let's see. I'm reverse phone booking it here. David Clodge, Denver 80014. I got a number right here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Great. Call it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Call it. All right, here we go. Let's see. Calling. It's ringing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hello?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hi, is David Clodge there?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who is this?

[Scott Aukerman]

This is Scott Aukerman. Comedy Bang Bang Podcast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That means nothing to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cereal. The podcast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

Podcast. Yes, O Conan o'. Brien.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mark Marin. Oh, podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wzf. Yeah, yeah. Comedy Bang Bang.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Dax.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're all podcast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Aren't your expert.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're all colleagues.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Called her Daddy Podcast.

[Scott Aukerman]

All colleagues. Comedy Bang Bang of mine. Comedy Bang Bang.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'll have to take your word for it.

[Scott Aukerman]

A niche podcast, maybe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, let me ask. Are you a prank podcast cast?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, no, we're not a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You've got a lot of nerve calling and using that. No, no, no, no. That's not what we're doing.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're not a crank anchor.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We are. This isn't. We are in the rare position right now to be. This is Jason Manzuki.

[Scott Aukerman]

To whom are we speaking? Is this David Clodge?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, this is Lillian Clodge. David Clodge was my husband.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Past tense.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you divorced?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wish.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you wish you were divorced.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm a widow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, Mason. Don't listen.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What'd you say?

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't listen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no, no, no. I wish we'd done this off. Mike.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I'm so sorry that you're a widow. You wish you'd rather be divorced than a widow?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because my husband would still be alive.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you'd hate him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not necessarily. People split up for lots of reasons.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like what?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sometimes you just grow apart. You don't have to hate the other.

[Scott Aukerman]

Person, but usually you do, right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What is your problem? What are you up to, man?

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm just. I'm sorry. I. Can I ask you a question?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I guess.

[Scott Aukerman]

A few years back, about 10 years ago, did you have a child with a late child when you were 45?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. A miracle baby With.

[Scott Aukerman]

With David.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, we did have a child.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, boy.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

And.

[Scott Aukerman]

And can I ask it? What may seem like an even stranger question than have you ever seen the Dread Zeppelin documentary?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Which is a perfectly normal question as far as I'm concerned.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. We are over 50. Was your child abducted by. There's no other way to say this, but a lizard person?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Oh, thank God. God.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank God what?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank God he was abducted. Having a child was the worst decision we ever made. Uhoh. Uhoh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Remember? The lizard person knocked her out of the hang up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It really drove a wedge between us.

[Scott Aukerman]

And so you almost got divorced.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mason, why don't you come over here? Mason. We did it because we thought.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mason. Earmuffs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But we weren't cut out to be parents. All right. Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's great. I just wanted to hear that story. It's great to talk to you. Say bye, Mom.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Was that my mom? No, no. My mom and dad are still out there somewhere. Well, I think what you should think about though not right here. Maybe somewhere else. There's a mom and dad who left me on a shelf.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cool cat. Are you gonna let him steal your thunder like this?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are tall.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe they are short. I have to say, that was beautiful. That was gorgeous.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I am what that like genuinely Brought a tear to my eyes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I ask August and Cool Cat and Hot Dog, why are you wasting your time with these other bands?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Form a band.

[Scott Aukerman]

Form a super group right now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Alw you produce it and forget all about Rockefeller. I think this is a great idea. What does Hot Dog do again? Huh? Are you kidding me?

[Scott Aukerman]

Did that answer your question?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And answered I am most gratified.

[Scott Aukerman]

So I think yeah, there's a great acapella group. And then who cares if Sean and our Rockella gets in the Rock and Roll hall of Fame? You guys will be there in 25 years. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

By the way, who cares about the Rock and Roll hall of Fame? Why not instead have an honor that means something? Set some sort of goal that you can crush? You're right. Let's burn it down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jason's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Join with the lizard people and burn it down.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, man. I got warned my Uncle Tim because he lives under there. Wait, you guys are aligning yourselves with the lizard people? I'm sorry to throw a wrench in the works, but I've got a call back for Cats and if I get the gig, I'm doing it. But Cool Cat, don't you see? We could work together in this new venture. Something original, something where you'd have a creative part. And you shall all wear tunics. Like the slee stack. The one smart slee stack from land of the Lost.

[Scott Aukerman]

The one who could speak English relatively well. Enoch. Yes, Enoch. Of course I'm under his.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're all over 50. We know these. We know Land of the Lost Mar expedition met the greatest earthquake ever known. All about the rapids it grew their tidy rock. It plunged them down 10,000ft below to.

[Scott Aukerman]

The land.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of the Lord.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Oh my God. Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wonder if someday someone will make a one hour and 22 minute documentary about this band.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Number one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just the stuff.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good fun times, great oldies the whole office can agree on.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You don't think there's somebody in the office that's like, oh, I hate this stand. Bullfrog. Get the out of here.

[Scott Aukerman]

I do remember a certain doctor's office that I used to go to. Every time I would go downstairs to get the. They had a pharmacy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is your plastic surgeon?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Yes. So anytime I go down to the pharmacy to get the Botox injections they there they. They had. The people who worked at the pharmacy were there and they would have a certain radio station on an LA radio station on and kg a certain radio station. I don't even know what it is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't want to blow up it's spot.

[Scott Aukerman]

But anytime a certain song would come on. Not a certain song. Anytime any of the songs they would play would come on, they'd all go like, oh, I love this one. And I do remember Daughtry's. I think It's not over came on. They were like, oh, yeah, that's adorable. So I think, I think first of all, when you're at a job that allows you to play the radio, it's fun to hear songs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

And so they. And. And then I, I think they probably like the minute they got home, they turned the radio off and weren't allowed to. Like their lives were busy. Flip flop.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're not allowed to listen at home.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They can only listen at work.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So it's like when you're so. I. I just really enjoyed that. But do you think you were.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You were encountering. Every time you were encountering them hearing a song for the second time Only.

[Scott Aukerman]

These were all songs that were pretty well known, I thought.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But if they're not allowed to listen at home.

[Krendle (Peloton Instructor)]

Home.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. That's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When are they hearing them?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a good point. You know, I had to listen to the radio. Not had to. I got. I had a job when I was.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, It's a privilege.

[Scott Aukerman]

23 or 24 at the center theater group here, which does the Mark Taper Forum and all that kind of stuff. Where I was, they were switching warehouses, like prop warehouses. And it was our job, me and my friends.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You had to like spackle all the peepholes that you made in the dressing rooms.

[Scott Aukerman]

Exactly. Yeah, exactly. No, it was our job to. To like move everything over into the new space. Miserable. Clean the old sp. You know, all the old space. Yeah. I mean, you know, but the, the fun party was just me and my friends like goofing off all. And. And you know, it was probably one month of work that we stretched into six or whatever, you know, but we, we listened to the radio for all eight hours that we would be working and we listened to kroc and it was a real education in like, oh, wow. They play certain songs every two hours on the two hour mark.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whatever. Their biggest. Like these are the songs that are that ever. Like they want to really make sure that if you are driving at any point during the day, you're gonna hear. You're gonna hear that song. That is the big popular one about it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When do people drive? Every two hours. We're going to get them no matter what time they step in the car.

[Scott Aukerman]

So The I just that summer I remember like hearing one Offspring song so many times that six months, every two hours it would play. I think it was keep himself. Anyway, fun summer, relatively.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thanks for the wrap up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And fun episode.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Gene shepherd over there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fun episode number 900.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That was really fun. Cool cat. Obviously the character who was Andy was not.

[Scott Aukerman]

Again, I want to stress like we don't know what we're going to be talking about when we do these episodes. You comedians playing the characters. Sometimes you'll come in with an idea. I think Andy maybe comes in with one idea of like, oh, I want to mention this while I'm doing it usually. But he was not prepared to play cool cat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. No one was.

[Scott Aukerman]

And yet does like creates this cool cat character which sounds perfect, of course. Like Andy and then doing Andrew Lloyd Weber and Ernie Rocks and everyone. None of that is planned. All of it is really fun. And those are some. I like that. This year we, by the way also we bookended the countdown with the first episode was you and Andy. And then this last episode is yous and Andy as well.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The symmetry.

[Scott Aukerman]

The symmetry. That's what you want in podcasting is symmetry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, it's true.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that was just.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's why the last episode of the Joe Rogan show should be just as stupid as the first one.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think it might be stupider, unfortunately. But that. That's fun. And episode 950, by the way, is coming up in about a month.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's so true.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So if you like that, keep listening for a few weeks.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Gird your loins. Loins. Girders.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's talk about the stats.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is what tuned in for.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

People like the numbers.

[Scott Aukerman]

We got almost 30,000 votes this year. I don't know whether that's a lot or a little. I have stopped comparing it, comparing years, but that feels like a lot. Do you have it recorded somewhere on all the previous episodes? We talk about it. I just have never.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I'm not going to do that work for sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Definitely not me. We usually talk about the performers who made multiple episodes. Now, Paul, we mentioned this before, but it bears repeating. It bears repeating. You did the least amount of episodes you've ever done this year on Comedy Bang Bang. You did seven episodes this year. Eight if you count the Music Man. Watch along. Which was something we recorded for CBB Presents over at CBB World that because of the LA fires we the only. The only time I think and I mentioned this on CBB fm, another show at CBB World. But the only time in the show's history, I think that the show has been disrupted like that, where we didn't have an episode to put out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. And so we. We needed to put out the Music Man Watch Along. Yeah. Which we had just come out a couple of weeks earlier, which, if you haven't heard it, it's very funny. It's all was born out of a disagreement Paul and I had about the Music Man. So we watched the movie with Paul doing two characters simultaneously, which was very funny. But because of the fires, suddenly everyone in LA had packed up and went to different places and no one had their recording equipment. So we had to put out the Music Man Watch along as an episode. But that wasn't. That's not a real episode. But you did. You did seven actual episodes. Normally you do at least 12. And so. So it's a little atypical. So that's why the stats are coming out the way they are. Let us talk about who made the Countdown this year. There are several people who made two episodes on the Countdown. You have Andy Daly, Lisa Gilroy, Charlie McCracken, Seth Morin, Jacob Wysocki, Mai Darman, Greg Hess, Sean Diston, Will Hines, Gil Ozeri, and a very rare celebrity, a block guest making two episodes on the Countdown, Asif Ali.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Made two episodes of the Countdown is rare. That's very rare. And it's his first times ever doing the show. He's in the Two Timers Club. Who made three episodes. You have Dan Love. And if you count the phone call he took during the Wayne Brady episode, Tim Bolt made three episodes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'll count it.

[Scott Aukerman]

You'll count it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who has five episodes? You have Jason Manzoukas, Lily Sullivan, and a person named Paul F. Tompkins all tied for first.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

In episodes. So five of your seven episodes are in the top.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Neighborhood Listen episode just missed, by the way. We did 14. We did our top 14. It was number 16.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And for a minute, it was it. And the one that ended up, you and Andy were swapped jockeying. So for a little bit when I was planning this out, it was like, oh, the Neighborhood Listen is gonna be the first clip that we hear. And then there was a surge in the votes for the one that we heard.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Was it Serge from Beverly Hills Cop?

[Scott Aukerman]

It was. Yeah. Yeah. And Bronson Pinchot got involved and it was. Yeah, it was a really fun time. Involved.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But yes, it's always fun when Bronson gets involved.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's always fun when Bronson gets involved. And I'M trying to remember. Your other episode was. I can't remember. I can't pull it right now. But I mean, those are. That's a good ratio. 5 of 7.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. I am most gratified and I thank the listeners. I'm glad I got to be a part of such fun episodes. And. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The end. The.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's talk about the months. We have the months. December of December, 2024 had one episode.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Boo.

[Scott Aukerman]

January had one. That. February had two.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

March had two. All right. April had two. Okay. May had one. Then we skipped to July, which had one. August had one. And September had three.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

The months where that are not represented on the countdown are June and October and November. And you know what's interesting? I was looking. I was like, oh, nothing from the last two months got into the countdown. I was looking at it. I think the opposite of recency bias has happened because those are really strong episodes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Old and see Bias.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Where I was kind of like, I think people. People didn't vote for them because they're like, they're too new.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

The ones that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm giving it too much credit because I've only recently enjoyed it.

[Scott Aukerman]

So those. That. That was my opinion.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you're saying they made a mistake?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think so.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The listeners. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. The most in a row. 900, 901 and 902. Three ups. Right. In a row. And that was January. The last week of January in the first two weeks of February. Wow. So those are the stats.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're good stats.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good stats. Now, I feel like. And I've heard this from some of the fans, I feel like this is one of the best years of comedy Bang Bang we've ever done. I feel like we've been on a roll this year. I feel like the quality of the show has, you know, shows get worse over time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Very true.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's Your favorite show? 60 Minutes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And just like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just like that. Got progressively worse over time when you think about it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I guess it did.

[Scott Aukerman]

I feel like we are getting better and better.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, baby. After all this time.

[Scott Aukerman]

After all this time, I've. I'm still having fun. I joke about it about wanting to quit, but it's just a joke. I'm still here. Look. And I mean, stretch. I thought about this, about. Look, we need a new tagline for the show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

We were humanity's podcast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Then we were Humanity and the Animal Kingdom's podcast. Then this last year, we. We hit on. And I think we heard it in the Clip. We hit on Comedy Bang Bang. We care. That's right. And I, I realized we. This year, we. Our new tagline, what it. What it was going to be. And this is January 1st. It's the new year. I mean, I want to debut it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is it.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's Comedy Bang Bang. Unlike other podcasts, we won't quit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because other little.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, it's a little wordy.

[Scott Aukerman]

A little wordy. Okay, how about we won't quit. Comedy Bang Bang. We won't quit. Yeah, because you see these other podcasts, like the. The what? The podcast and all these.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What the podcast wrapped up all these.

[Scott Aukerman]

Others, and they're cowards and they're quitting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Cowards always quit and quitters always cower.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. And at Comedy Bang Bang, we won't quit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you're saying first proper episode of the year, you're going to say, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. We don't quit.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I, I won't. But I, I will say it several times throughout the rest of the year.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why won't you say it on the first one?

[Scott Aukerman]

Because I already recorded it and I didn't. Just came up with this. Dub it in Comedy back bag. We won't quit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, clip that and put it in the episode.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can you guys just listen to that clip in the middle of next week's episode? Monday's episode.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm telling you, you have to hamfistedly insert it into this episode you've already recorded. I don't think because the people listening to this right now, they're going to expect it, knowing that's coming up. It's not that they're gonna expect it. They want to hear it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know, because it's such a good slogan. Comedy Bang Bang. We won't quit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Unlike other shows who just like, oh, I've done 800 episodes, I'm gonna. Or even 1500 episodes. I'm gonna stop. Not us, baby.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you know what I like is when podcasts that do like eight episodes and then quit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. I have a great idea for a new show, and then no one listens. What happened to the show you're gonna doing? Oh, I'm just.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It disappeared. I can't find it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Davy Copperfield came in here, made it disappear.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

According to Oprah, our greatest illusionist. The greatest illusionist. The right time.

[Scott Aukerman]

And Oprah, of course, we should take her word for a lot of things has given us such wonderful people.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, like Dr. O, Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, Dr. Victor Frankenstein, Dr. Dictor, Dr. Dr. Giggles. Oh, who's responsible for all the horrible doctors.

[Scott Aukerman]

Remember Dr. Giggles?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'll never forget him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Played by the LA Law guy, right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good for him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Good for him.

[Scott Aukerman]

From Dark Man.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's his name? Larry Drake.

[Scott Aukerman]

Larry Drake.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Larry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Larry Drake. Named after one of the great ducks.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Dark Man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. One of the great ducks.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Larry Greek. There we go. There we go. Awesome.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, I. I want to thank some people. I want to thank all the team at Sirius. Who do we have? We have Sirius Black. Sirius Black. We have, first of all, Kimmy Gregory worked up through the first part of May as our producer. Then she moved on to greener pastures. Then Cody Fisher took over for a few, few months. And now we have a new producer, Jeff Fox, who just started recently.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jeff Fox?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, he's an actual fox.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is his name Jafox? Like Jafar?

[Scott Aukerman]

Jafar, Yeah, I, I think it's Jafar.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Actually, it's not Jafox.

[Scott Aukerman]

I. I'm pretty sure it's Jafar who's just kind of changed his name.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Didn't you have a produced frog called Jablomi?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Henry. No Hayw, my good friend.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, Stephen. Jablomi.

[Scott Aukerman]

Henry Jablomi, they call him. Henry Jablo, they call him. We want to thank all of them over at Sirius for, first of all, keeping the show going week by week. There's a lot of stuff that goes on behind the scenes, doing the bonus bangs and, you know, all sorts of stuff happening. And then they've been along with several other people over there at series that I don't even know them. They've been busy compiling and editing these clips for the past couple of weeks and sending them back and forth to me. So a lot of. So thanks to all of them. We also want to thank Jali Diaz, who was with us for forever, for, I feel like over a decade at least, right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, for sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

He was let go in January, but we want to honor his service. Thank you for your service, July.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you for everything, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kristoff Todd does all of our socials.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thanks, Chris. Todd.

[Scott Aukerman]

And thanks for being so social.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's very social.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And he hosts socials every once in a while.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A lot of times he posts things like, hey, how are you doing? Would you like to come over?

[Scott Aukerman]

He's so social about it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's pretty incredible.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Want to thank Brett Morris, who I work with over at CBB World, and he produces. I mean, he does. He does stuff for the main show as well. He puts out the free feed version over at CBB World, but he Also, he's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I'm not gonna thank him on this show. I'll thank him.

[Scott Aukerman]

You'll thank him on your own show? Yeah, he's on the Neighborhood. Listen, he plays.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm gonna thank him twice.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. No, but I do want you to thank him once on your own show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I think it was.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And only once. I want to thank the baker who couldn't be here today. Normally she drops off some. Some. Some things she's baked.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Disappointed we back at a baker, but.

[Scott Aukerman]

She, she was indisposed today doing something else with another part of things that are going. Going on down here. So she couldn't, she couldn't drop by.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. She's not sick.

[Scott Aukerman]

She's not sick.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She was unavailable.

[Scott Aukerman]

She was doing something. She's doing another bit of business for us, unfortunately. But the baker, if you've heard about the baker on previous episodes, she often drops by treats she's baked for us, little holiday cookies and stuff like that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Looks delicious.

[Scott Aukerman]

And we have not of them today.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thanks for nothing, I guess.

[Scott Aukerman]

I want to thank our guests without whom the show would just be me. And no one wants to hear that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think I wouldn't mind hearing one of those.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just me talking for how long do you think I could do it? Just me rambling.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How long do I think you could do it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

15 hours.

[Scott Aukerman]

How long? And be entertaining.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You could do it. You could do an episode length of talking.

[Scott Aukerman]

I probably could, yeah. Just talking about whatever. I think that would have frightened me to death when we first started doing this show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why don't you do one just to have it as an, you know, in case of emergency break class so we.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don'T have to do a Music man type episode again. I, you know what? On this show, sometimes we are two months ahead.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And. And we were like that for the, for the last few months of the year. Like I'd recorded some of these episodes so long ago.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You never know who's going to get canceled.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the thing, you know, you want to release them before people get canceled. So.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because a lot of times you'll ask guests like, do you think they cancel?

[Scott Aukerman]

Skeletons in your closet you think are.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Going to come out like a presidential, you know, campaign.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Everything's been properly vetted.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I want to thank you, the listener. There's a lot of you have been listening. Sometimes people write to me and say, like, been a listener since the Indy 1031 days, which is the very first year we ever did it. Some people Are like, I've been listening since the 10th anniversary, which is like even 6. That seems like it's. It was so far long after the show started, but that was. That was six years ago, our 10th anniversary, you know, so it's like this is. The show's been going on for over 16 years at this point, and some people have been here for a long time, some people have been here for a short time. Whatever the case, I appreciate you listening and hopefully we've brightened your days and sometimes your nights, if, you know, I.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mean, this show, I got to say, the fans are the greatest. People come up to me all, all over the place, anywhere I go.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's why you wear that illegal bulletproof vest.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's not illegal. You're allowed to make your own bulletproof vest. They can't stop you.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're allowed to make it. You're not allowed to wear it in public.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't wear it. I just have it over my shoulder.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. So you're just like, transporting it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. But people come up to me. They're always nice, they're always respectful. I really appreciate it. And it's nice to know that, you know, you're reaching people and that you're entertaining them and that. That it means something to them is. Is very gratifying and very humbling, and I really appreciate it.

[Scott Aukerman]

It is New Year's Day, and so I wanted. I wanted to be the first person to thank you, Paul F. Tompkins, for being on the show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Show.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's wonderful that you're here. Every. I'm the first person who thank you, thanked you in the new year. Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Somebody did beat you to it, B. Who?

[Scott Aukerman]

There's Mark me. God damn it. He has so much time. He quit his show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's just been thanking people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, man.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's been going through. And he's finally up to the tease.

[Scott Aukerman]

Going through his Rolodex.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He has Rolodex.

[Scott Aukerman]

His Robo Lex.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you. Thank you for having me be a part of the show for so long. And. And doing these countdowns with you is so silly and fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're so fun.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I will say, as I've said before, I count the hours that I spent in this room amongst the happiest of my life.

[Scott Aukerman]

And only this room because before, like five years, like 11 years of the show, you hated it. And then we moved in other rooms. Yeah, we moved into this room.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This room is happy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Great. That's going to do it for us. But before we go out, we have one One. Well, we're gonna play the snowman game until the snowman looks at us.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

At one of us. And whoever that is is going to have a great 2026.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

And whoever it doesn't look at is going to have a terrible 2020.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Scott, will you do the honors of pressing the hands?

[Scott Aukerman]

I certainly will. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, here we go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Here we go. He is just over my shoulder now, spinning around. Hit the chips. Now he's looking off to the right height of Paul. Spinning around again. He is now directly away from me. Spinning around again. This is his third time. He's back to looking over my shoulder where he started. And now his fourth and final spin. Nope. Splitting the difference between us.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Here we go again. Fire is. So he's spinning around again. And he is whining up directly opposite of where he was. Now he's spinning around again. And he is directly opposite of me again. He's hitting that area so much. Now he's looking pretty much right at me. Now he's spinning around again. Nope. Now he's opposite of where he was the last time he landed. All right, here we go. We go again. He's dancing in place. Spinning around. Now he's a little closer to Paul. Now he's inching closer to Paul. Now he's back to where he was at the top. Now he's spinning around again. And he is back to where he was again. Strange little guy. Weird. He's. He's kind of inching towards you. Each time. I feel like he's gonna hit you. This guy's weird. This guy's a weirdo. Okay, spinning around. Spinning around again. He is now kind of over Paul's right shoulder. Spinning around again. And he is over. He's in the same place over Paul. Paul's shoulder again. But this time I bet he looks at Paul. No, he's splitting the diff again. Oh, okay. Here we go. We're keeping on going. Okay, spinning around again. And he's splitting the diff between us and spinning around again. And now he's back to sort of that area that he loves so much and spinning around again. And kind of looking at neither of us. Here we go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So close.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're. I would have taken it. But he's over your shoulder. Yeah. Okay, here we go. He's off of Paul's right shoulder. Doesn't count. Okay, he's off my right shoulder now. Now he's looking right at Paul, but it's. He hasn't ended yet. That's a good omen, though, when he looks at you at number two, because you know he's not going to do it on number three, but he might on number four. Here comes number four. What do you think? Left shoulder. Wow. Here we go. This is the most thrilling 25 minutes in podcasting. He's looking. Is he looking right at you? Now he's over your shoulder, Boulder Holder. Okay, now he's over my shoulder. My right shoulder. Okay, Spinning again. For the third time of four, he is moved off my shoulder. And now fourth time, splitting the diff again between us. This is very close. To have it exist act is pretty tough.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's the thing. But that's what makes it so good.

[Scott Aukerman]

But that's what makes it so thrilling. Oh, he's. No, he's off my left shoulder. I would say at this point, spinning around again. He is away from us. This is the third spin, and he is away from us again. Fourth spin is the one that counts. Here we go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Whoa.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right at me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Scott, congratulations.

[Scott Aukerman]

2026 is gonna be. Hopefully it's gonna be as good as my 2025.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're gonna. This is your year. This is your year, baby. And I'm happy. Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you, Paul. This is incredible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It really is incredible.

[Scott Aukerman]

It feels so good to be looked at and to be blessed by the snowman. Oh, my gosh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I wish I'd recorded it. I'm sorry that I didn't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. We usually video it, but you can imagine it. I was doing a pretty good job doing the play by play.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, absolutely.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's gonna be it. Today is January 1st. We're gonna be back on Monday with a new episode that has Ben Schwartz, our friend who's been. We'll. We'll talk about how long he has been doing the first episode of the year on that episode.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It will also be the first episode.

[Scott Aukerman]

With the new cat, new catchphrase, shoehorned, inelegantly, clumsily shoehorned into the episode, which is, of course, comedy. Bang, bang. We won't quit. Or we don't quit. I can't remember which one it is. Which is better? We won't or we don't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We won't.

[Scott Aukerman]

We won't quit. Unlike other shows, we won't quit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because we don't quit means we might end up quitting at some point.

[Scott Aukerman]

But we're. We're never going to quit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We won't quit.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's my pledge to you. Yeah, we won't quit. We'll be back here on Monday with a new episode. Paul and I will be back in one calendar year to do the best of of the year that is about to come. And that's gonna be it for us. Should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind. Should old acquaintance be forgotten and O.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

For all lang syne, my dear, for all lang syne Will take a cup.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of kindness yet that. Lang sy. As the daughter of immigrants, financial struggles were part of my everyday reality. In high school, I became homeless and had to live in a women's shelter. Thankfully, being an Apia McDonald Scholar enabled me to attend college and begin a new chapter chapter in my life. And now my reality is filled with endless possibilities. McDonald's has awarded nearly $4 million through APIA scholars to support students. Learn more at apanext.com.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's Kenny Maine, the funny guy from ESPN. Formerly, he's Cooper Manning, the more intelligent and handsome of the Manning brothers. And he's Brian Baumgartner. But to me, he'll always be Kevin from the office.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you and everybody else together.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're the hosts of the new comedy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Golf podcast, we need a fourth from.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Smartless Media and SiriusXM.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's like a cold beer after a round.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You hear the strangest and most bizarre golf stories from our friends, athletes, celebrities and comedians. It's all about how much we love golf and how much we hate golf. New episodes are out every week. Listen now and subscribe wherever you get your podcast could just be anywhere, just on a couch. Doesn't matter.