Bones Are Important (Kumail Nanjiani, Will Hines, Charlie McCrackin)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: "Bones Are Important"

Host: Scott Aukerman
Guests: Kumail Nanjiani, Will Hines (as Inspector Jack Cates), Charlie McCrackin (as Wyatt Malibu)
Release Date: December 1, 2025

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Episode Overview

This energetic and zany episode of Comedy Bang Bang gathers Scott Aukerman, comedian/actor Kumail Nanjiani, and returning character guests Inspector Jack Cates and Wyatt Malibu. The episode is a classic CBB blend: part earnest interview with Kumail about his upcoming special Night Thoughts (Hulu, Dec 19), part absurd improv with new and familiar characters, and part parody of the very idea of charity, heroism, and narrative coherence.

The hosts and guests discuss everything from the ever-expanding world of standup and podcasting, Kumail’s television and movie work, and the logistics (and ethics) of pop-up charities. Later, a convoluted, action-movie-inspired law enforcement saga unwinds, dominated by Will Hines’ Inspector Jack Cates and his quest to avoid his nemesis. The episode is peppered with CBB's signature meta-commentary, quick-paced wit, and running jokes about bones, racism, and reality resets.

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Key Discussion Points & Notable Segments

Kumail Nanjiani Joins the Eight-Timers Club

[01:25 - 05:00]

• Scott welcomes Kumail and teases him about the number of times he’s appeared (“You are joining the exclusive Eight Timers Club.”)
• Kumail jokes about never having perfected comedy:

  “On my deathbed, I'll be like, aha...and then I'll die.” (02:10, Kumail)

• Light ribbing about podcasting schedules and who “games the charts,” referencing Marc Maron and himself dropping podcasting just before it became lucrative.

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Standup Comedy, Streaming Specials, and Comedy’s Changing Landscape

[05:34 - 10:00]

• Kumail discusses his new Hulu special, Night Thoughts; the pros and cons of venue sizes for comedy; comedic arena tours vs. personal theaters.
• Scott & Kumail lament not knowing the latest YouTubers or podcasters selling out arenas:

  “There's probably, like, 10 people my mom has never heard of who are selling out arenas.” (05:53, Kumail)

• On filming the special and the illusion of spontaneity vs. reality in standup:

  “When you said it in different cities, it just makes you feel like, oh, this guy, like, sat down and wrote all these jokes and memorized them. It just highlights how, at its core, f***ing lame standup comedy is.” (17:25, Kumail)

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Kumail’s Career: Hollywood, Superheroes, Movies, and TV

[10:10 - 21:00]

• Scott lists Kumail’s recent successes (The Big Sick, Marvel’s Eternals), jokes about Marvel’s proliferation and asks about obscure plot threads:

  “Are those guys coming back? … They’re not. They’re gone. The name was very ir—they named it wrong.” (08:27, Kumail, on "Eternals")

• The two banter over Marvel cinematic “rankings,” Edge of Tomorrow's changing title, and Kumail’s role in James L. Brooks’ new film, Ella McKay.
• Kumail on working with Albert Brooks:

  “He knows every single comedy thing. ... [He was] talking to me about Matt Rife. I was like, you should not know who Matt Rife is.” (20:06, Kumail)

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Pop Up Charity Parody: The Wyatt Malibu Interview

[34:13 - 52:00]

• Wyatt Malibu, “charity organizer,” claims to run a one-man operation for short-term, ultra-specific causes—almost exclusively repairing church roofs.
• The sketch pokes fun at the lack of oversight in charities and the “pop-up” trend, with Wyatt’s defenses getting increasingly threadbare:

  “You hand the money to me, I pass it on to the churches, the roof is fixed, no problems, move on.” (41:17, Wyatt Malibu)

• Kumail and Scott interrogate charitable percentages, “salaries” versus “bonuses,” and how none of the money goes to “Texas” (a Freudian slip on “taxes”).
• Running joke: Over 40% of the churches Wyatt’s supposedly fixed have subsequently had their roofs blow off.

Memorable Exchange:

• On curing racism:

  Scott: “Why don’t you have a charity that cures racism?”
  Wyatt: “I mean, I would love to.”
  Scott: “Do you think it's not a problem?”
  Kumail: “Do you think it's fine?”
  (50:21–50:51)

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Pitching a Charity to Cure Racism (and Blowing the Budget)

[51:04 - 56:12]

• Wyatt is “funded,” on-air, with $5 million from Scott and Kumail to “fix racism” in 12 months, with priorities determined (“start with racism against Asians.”)
• The logistics immediately spiral, with nonsense about regional prioritization.

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Inspector Jack Cates Returns: Law Enforcement and Wild Plotting

[59:33 - 76:54]

• Will Hines’ Inspector Jack Cates (a parody “San Francisco cop”) returns with a convoluted history involving missing guns, family reunions gone wrong, and impersonators.
• The conversation lampoons the ever-more-complicated lore in media franchises and police procedurals:

  “Can we do a reboot or something like that? ... It’s just too complicated. Just reboot everything.” (68:11, Scott)

• Running gags include Cates’ penchant for unnecessary violence (“I pistol-whipped my entire family”) and odd legal logic.
• Wyatt proposes “rebooting” personal continuity by poking people with a paperclip behind the left ear—mocking both computer and human resets, leading to an in-character “reboot” complete with language and region selection prompts.

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CBB-Style Absurdity: Reality Resets and Identities

[76:00 - 79:37]

• Characters reboot and swap identities, referencing robot logic, with Scott, Kumail, and the rest roleplaying their acceptance of bizarre tech support prompts.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On life’s complexity & reboots:

  “I just think that this is getting too complicated… Just reboot everything.” (68:11, Scott)

• On fixing racism:

  “I want to go one by one. I want Asia first to zero. Once you get to zero, then you can move on to other races.” (55:47, Kumail)

• On bones:

  “Bones are important. That is so true. You know, I’ve never heard it, but sometimes you hear something and you’re like, that is so true. I can’t believe that’s the first time I’m hearing it.” (26:02, Kumail)

• On standup comedy’s artifice:

  “When you said it in different cities… it just highlights how, at its core, f***ing lame standup comedy is.” (17:25, Kumail)

• On Albert Brooks’ comedy knowledge:

  “He was talking to me about Matt Rife. I was like, you should not know who Matt Rife is.” (20:06, Kumail)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:25] Kumail joins the show, Eight Timers Club banter
• [03:52–10:00] Comedy special talk, arena-size debates, Marvel discussion
• [13:02–15:13] Podcasting and X-Files talk
• [17:09–18:52] Special taping logistics and standup “authenticity”
• [34:13–52:00] Wyatt Malibu’s pop-up charity interrogation
• [52:00–56:12] Pitch and “funding” a pop-up charity to fix racism
• [59:33–76:54] Inspector Jack Cates’ saga—pistol-whipping family, reboots, and complex continuity
• [79:59–83:00] Plugs (Night Thoughts, Ella McKay, podcasts, CBB World)
• [83:18–84:58] Chaos wrap-up: Jack Cates promising to turn himself in; $5 million for racism gone
• [84:58–end] Outro banter and teasers for next episodes

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Episode Tone & Summary

Zany, fast-paced, irreverent, and very meta. The episode gleefully satirizes the contrivances of show business, the self-importance of both superheroes and cops, and the absurdity of “pop-up” philanthropy. Kumail Nanjiani contributes both deadpan honesty and sharp comic timing, while the character work by Will Hines and Charlie McCrackin (especially the pop-up charity scam and Cates’ spiraling continuity) pushes the show into full parody territory. Running motifs (bones, reboots, fixing racism, “Eight Timers Club”) keep things lively and connected.

Listeners are left equally entertained and mock-bewildered—perfect for longtime Comedy Bang Bang fans.

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Final Plugs

• Kumail Nanjiani: Night Thoughts (Hulu, Dec 19), Ella McKay (theaters), Fallout Season 2 (Amazon)
• Inspector Jack Cates (Will Hines): Podcast: Screw It, We're Just Gonna Talk About the Beatles
• Show/Jokes: Comedy Bang Bang store (podswag.com), CBB World subscriptions

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For fans of high-energy improv, surreal character work, and meta-comedy, this episode is packed with laughs, running jokes, and classic CBB chaos.

Transcript

[Scott Aukerman]

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[Announcer]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Inspector Jack Cates]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Inspector Jack Cates]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Announcer]

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[Scott Aukerman]

I ate it all, baby, that's no lie I'm in love with an apple pie I want to bite into a crust so sweet. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Ah, thank you to Tommy Showbiz. What the Tommy Showbiz for that catchphrase submission. Wow. Submitted January 7th of 2023. Congratulations, Tommy Showbiz. Hope you're still alive and still a listener. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. This is an exciting week to have a podcast, I'll tell you that much, because we have a panel of experts. I wouldn't even call them experts. I mean, one of them is definitely an expert in his chosen field. But you consider yourself to be an expert?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Me?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

No, no, no. What is this?

[Scott Aukerman]

You haven't perfected the craft of comedy itself.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Oh, God, no. That's the project of my life. On my deathbed, I'll be like, aha. And then I'll die.

[Scott Aukerman]

You mean.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Haha.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Haha. Finally, I figured it out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, we do have a great panel and I'll get to our guest of honor here in just a second. Coming up a little later, we someone in law enforcement. We also have a charity organizer. So an exceptional panel for our first show of December. But let's get to. You heard him speaking not moments ago about his desires upon his death. But let's talk about his life because he currently has. We're on the precipice of the release of an incredible comedy special called Night Thoughts, which reaches Hulu on December 19th. That's when it arrives. Or.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, I'm Told that's when it.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's when they get it.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

That's the delivery day. You know, I've been tracking ups. Sometimes they fuck it up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

So I'm hoping. They seem pretty confident.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, you know, it may not get there till the 21st or something like.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

That, but no, I hope it is. I mean, the 19th. Really? I think it's like in Wisconsin somewhere right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

And I picked, like, the cheapest option, which is like. It's like a guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's why it's so far away from here.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, I ordered it a month ago.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

So it's supposed to get there. Yeah. And they shipped it right away, too.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Night Thoughts is the special and it is on Hulu on December 19th. And I'm looking up how many episodes of Comedy Bang Bang. He's in because I want to welcome him into whatever club he is currently on.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

First number in my head was six.

[Scott Aukerman]

He is joining the exclusive Eight Timers Club.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I was very close with this. I thought this was seven.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

He came.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can't call six at eight. Close.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

No, I thought this was the seventh.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, if you're thinking of thousands or millions, but it's not possible for you.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I was off by one. I was going to say I've done six. This is the seventh. Like, how many is possible? How many? I mean, how many have you had?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, wait, 900, 980, something.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

So in that you think you've been.

[Scott Aukerman]

On hundreds and hundreds of episodes.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I'm saying if I'm off by one and you've had over 900, that's.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Yeah, but how many?

[Scott Aukerman]

What I'm saying is how many is possible? You've probably only done at the most 10.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So to say, like, I'm off by one. How close I was. Well, you. I mean, what are you gonna guess? One? You know it's not one.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, I know. It's 1 2.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, it's between 5 and 10.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Right. I'm sorry, Scott. I hadn't memorized the exact number of episodes I've been on your show for. Next time. Next time you quiz me, I will know.

[Scott Aukerman]

You'll join the Nine Timers Club next time. But please welcome him to the Eight Timers Club. Kumail Nanjiani. Welcome back.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Thrilled to be back. Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

So wonderful to have you. We love when you make time for Comedy Bang Bang, when you take a break from all of your busy projects.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, yeah. Well, I love when Comedy Bang Bang takes time out for me.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because we we choose to do one episode a week. You know what I mean? Like, I could just not do it.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Some people do three or four, and then they get to the top of the charts. Have you thought about that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Some people do three or four. That's right. Marc Maron sort of game the system that way, and he got all the way to the top, and then he's like, I'm too tired of this. I do one a week, and I keep it consistent, and I'm not going to quit.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Okay. I love it.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I love it.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I think it's cheating to do multiple a week and always be number one.

[Scott Aukerman]

You used to be a podcaster.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

You're not currently podcast. Yeah, I left both standup and podcast right before it got lucrative. I really left both stand up got lucrative. It is for some people now. It is, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. The touring, though. Well, I guess podcasting as well.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

The touring and the podcast. I mean, people are selling out arenas. People that, like my mom. There's never been in history every comedian that could sell out arenas my mom had heard of. Except for right now. There's probably, like, 10 people my mom has never heard of who are selling out arenas.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm constantly amazed by the people who, you know, there's that dropout show with people that I know on it that does Dungeons and Dragons, and they're like, oh, yeah, we sold out Madison Square Garden twice. Yeah, I've never even heard of it. You just told me that.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

A lot of nerds in New York City. Yeah, a lot of nerds.

[Scott Aukerman]

We hate New York, right?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I love New York.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fucking nerds. You and I both. I mean, you. You and I both got in super great shape.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, that's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, a few years back.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah. And then I'm. Now I'm like, fuck New York. I'm in good shit now. I don't need you anymore. My favorite thing. Oh, I'd love to go to an arena and watch standup comedy.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I know.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'd love to be so far away. Oh, so excited with the sound. Echoey.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, yeah. Where they have to wait, like, 40 seconds to hear laughter. Oh, seems great.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's the biggest room that that comedy should be in, in your opinion, in order to enjoy it? Okay.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

The biggest room, I would say, like, I was pretty conservative. Like, 2500 is. Is very big. So it seems good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Yeah. So like, the Chicago theater or something?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Like, that's exactly what I was thinking.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. That's 3,000, I believe.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Okay. All right, Well, I don't want to sell the last 500 tickets.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, good. Ken, did you. When you were there recently?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I didn't. I did a different theater. Oh, yeah?

[Scott Aukerman]

No.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not to Chicago. How dare you.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I did the Vic, which was like. Oh, you did the real Personal Connection.

[Scott Aukerman]

Short form.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah. The Vitard Theater. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you think about 2500 is good?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I think that's about right.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think so, too. Although you see clips of, like, Steve Martin and Pee Wee Herman doing the Universal Amphitheater back in the day.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

The two biggest comedians of all time.

[Scott Aukerman]

People seem to enjoy it there, but it was an event.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah. I mean, Steve Martin was the first one to do Arenas, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I think so.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

And then he stopped, much like Mark Maron, at the top of his game.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

He thought it was too big where people weren't getting the subtlety anymore, just there to, like, repeat the jokes he was doing.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

He also became a massive movie star, so that.

[Scott Aukerman]

That might have helped him.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

That might have been like, I've got an off ramp now being the biggest star in the world.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, speaking of massive movie stars, Kumail is a massive movie star. You were.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're in a movie called the Big Sick, which was a gigantic hit.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you. You're also a superhero in those Eternals things.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, Are those guys coming back? Are we.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

They're not. They're gone. The name was very ir. They named it wrong. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're not going to show up in secret. No.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Expendables. They made six of them. And those guys are Expendable. Were Eternal.

[Scott Aukerman]

They made one.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

Come on. Do a Secret wars with Tatiana Maslany being.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

You know what? I will. I should have said yes to that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I don't know why I was like, oh, Kevin Feige is calling. No, I got to work on my stand up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kill Deadpool in it or whatever and turn him into an Eternal or whatever. I don't care.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

That would be if. If Deadpool was in our. In Eternals, then we would have gotten to do more of them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Deadpool v. Eternals.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

That guy's a star.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, well, I. You know, you were very funny in that Eternals movie. And you also, like, held out your hands going like.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I was trying to be serious, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were. No, you weren't.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

You.

[Scott Aukerman]

Funny scenes.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You saw it. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were the guy I saw before it ever even came out. Over there at the El Capitan Theater in a special screening.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Oh, like at the premiere, before the premiere. Why did you. You look a big comic Book fan.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I am, actually.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I was there. I believe Coolop got invited with some sort of special group.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

What'd you think of it?

[Scott Aukerman]

I liked it. I thought you were great.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Oh, thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I thought you were very, very funny. And I had a great time, you know, I mean, I could bust out my entire Marvel Cinematic Universe rankings if you like.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, give me the top. Give me the top.

[Scott Aukerman]

Number one used to be Iron man, the first one.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Solid. So good.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I kind of feel like Avengers Endgame was just so good.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know, that's everything in it.

[Wyatt Malibu]

That was a.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's number one. So I think those two are in.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

What's the bottom?

[Scott Aukerman]

Bottom? Maybe I hate to say it because our good friend's wife is in it, but Secret Invasion, maybe.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Who's our good friend's wife?

[Scott Aukerman]

Our good friend Long Legs. You remember Long Legs? Long Legs is married to. We didn't get into who Long Legs married the last time he was on the show.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, we didn't get to that. Yeah, Yeah. I did not see Secret Invasion.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you know, you don't have to. You live it. You live this life. You know, you're. You're out there. You probably do. You get the, like. Is it like the presidential briefing that he gets on his desk every day of, like, whatever the Marvel characters are up to and stuff?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could tell you what any of them are doing right.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Right now.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

They've been, like, taking a break.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're taking a break. Like, Ross and Rachel.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

They're on the break. Yeah. Thor's like, I'm gonna break.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Thor.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Thor.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thor. Am I right?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you get to meet Thor? Was he in your movie? I'm trying to.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Thor was not in my movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

They always. They bleed. Oh, he. Yeah, they all bleed together. He was in Guardians, right? Yeah, yeah.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Guardians were in his movie Guardians.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Love and. Love and side. What's it called? Love and Sidekicks.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's called Love and Sidekicks.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, yeah. Love and thunder. It's called Love and Love and Sidekicks. But you got.

[Scott Aukerman]

You got Blade at the end of your movie.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah. He hasn't come back.

[Scott Aukerman]

And he hasn't come back either.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then that sword.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Well, you really. You really did watch.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's going on with it? What's going on with the sword and what's going on with Pip the Troll and all the black?

[Wyatt Malibu]

Yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Pip the Troll is another friend of ours. Yeah, yeah. And Harry Styles.

[Scott Aukerman]

Harry Styles.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Harry Styles himself. Yeah, he was in it.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's going on with all that.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I don't think much. I think that's. That's it. I think that's it. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

But if called, will you answer the call? Much like the Lady Ghostbusters?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

And I think they're just called the Ghostbusters. I don't think they're called the Lady Ghost.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think they amended the title.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Like Lady Ghostbusters.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Come on.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I think they. It's now like Ghostbusters Answer the Call.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

It is of Ghostbusters. Answer the Call a lot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like Live, Die, Repeat became the title.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Of Edge of Tomorrow. Yeah. Which do you prefer? Edge of Tomorrow or Live Die Repeat. Live Die, Repeat to me, sounds like a shampoo thing. You know, it does.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I would do that if a shampoo bottle said on the instructions, said Die in the middle of it.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would just follow it blindly. Yeah, I am.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I. I genuinely do follow all directions on Shampoo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you really. Are you a follower or are you a leader?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

100 follower. My wife is a leader. I'm definitely a follower. I. I followed the rules.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you're a rule from this. Oh, my. It's annoying, isn't it? There's a lot of them.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

There's a lot of rules. But I think breaking them is so stressful.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know, but you're. I mean, there's too many rules. So you're a fan of deregulation is what you're trying to say.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And all that. That politically entails. How many did that?

[Scott Aukerman]

You had a podcast. It was. You had a gaming podcast. You also had an X Files podcast, did you not?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I did.

[Scott Aukerman]

And what do we think of Pluribus? Have you watched it now? Because that's, of course, X Files adjacent. Wouldn't you?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Well, yeah, the creator of Pluribus, Vince Gilligan, got his. Vince Gilligan's. He got his star Gilligan.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just say it like that.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Gilligan. He got his start on X Files. He was.

[Scott Aukerman]

He did.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

He was, I believe, an ad on X Files and then wrote an episode. He wrote an episode called Drive in season six.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which one was Drive?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Bryan Cranston was in it. And when he was casting Breaking Bad, they were like, you want the guy from Malcolm in the Middle? He's like, no, I did this episode with him and I think he can do this. That's why Bryan Cranston is in Breaking Bad because of that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Interesting. Yeah. And then Vince Gilligan segued into playing the police commissioner on an episode of Comedy Bang Bang, the TV show. That's what he's mainly Known for incredible.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah. I don't know what Pluribus is. Sounds like a made up word. I am watching it. I love it. That Ray Seahorn, she can act.

[Scott Aukerman]

She can.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, out of all the actors. What? Let's. Let's rank actors.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I would say Rey would be top five.

[Scott Aukerman]

She's top five, definitely.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think. Who are the other four?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

The lady who plays her girlfriend on the show.

[Scott Aukerman]

She's great. We've only seen her in one episode.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

She's number two.

[Scott Aukerman]

Although. No, she was in another episode. We were in the ice hotel.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Just for a moment in that ice hotel. I looked it up. There are multiple ice hotels.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, there are. Do you want to go to one?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

No, it's me. It seems like a nightmare.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's go.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I don't like the plane.

[Scott Aukerman]

How long could the plane do? You get to take an ice plane there.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

You get to take Wonder Woman an.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ice cab from the airport there. And. Okay, so let's see other good actors. Yeah, that Ray Romano from your movie, he's.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I would say he's number six. He's not quite in the top five.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, he's great.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

He's great.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Phenomenal.

[Scott Aukerman]

What was it like working with him? Did he ever mess up in the middle of a line and go, deborah, he's really. Oh, no, that's my other show.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

How. How you imagine he is is how he is. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Would it surprise you to know that I took a vacation once and at the hotel he and his family were there?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Were there.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

It wouldn't surprise me because it would be a psychotic thing to make up for you. Like, if you were like. And it wasn't true. What's wrong with you?

[Scott Aukerman]

It would also surprise you to. I don't want to give away my assassination location, but would it also surprise you to learn that I once took a vacation and Ed o' Neill was there at the bar?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Not that would surprise you.

[Scott Aukerman]

It would surprise you.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I just don't see you guys going to the same haunts. You guys have different vibes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's true. Although I did go see him in a play back when I was 20 years old and somehow me and my friends finagled an invite to the after party at a bar and.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

And we showed up to the bar and talked to him and George went, oh, my God. Everyone else in the. In the play. And when George went, walked into the bar, everyone shouted, norm. And then someone gave him a beer and he just kind of like, like waved everyone. It was very nice. And then he. I Worked with him on the comedy Bang Bang TV show and. And then saw him in another thing, and I reminded him of that and he kind of said, yeah, that happened all the time.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

He passed away, I assume.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, recently.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Assume. I don't know. Why.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why are you.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I mean, I assume he's gone.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would think that you read it.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I just. I don't know if I'm walking in. Every time I walk into a bar, someone hands me a free beer. I'm not gonna last that long.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, he actually lasted a long time.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

TikTok. Yeah, totally. He did. For that life. He did last a long time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, the special is called Night Thoughts, and you were on a mere year ago, I believe was your last appearance.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

With long legs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it with long legs? That's right. Oh, this was. No, I'm sorry, this. This was two years ago. No, one year ago. Sorry. Back in September and you were embarking upon.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

That was the seventh time I did this show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, that's right.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's gonna be ingrained in your memory for the next time you're on. But you were embarking upon the tour, and then presumably you filmed the tour or one night of it. Did you film every single night and then edit it together from every single.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, you remember when Chris Rock did that where he had, like, he was in three different countries. So it'd be. The setup would be in New York and then the punchline would be in Paris.

[Scott Aukerman]

I thought it was, I mean, complex for Beyonce to do that with two different nights at Coachella. Like, ping pong and back different.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Cause the whole thing of comedy, the whole thing is you have to be like, I'm just coming up with this. I'm just saying this stuff. When you said it in different cities, it just makes you feel like, oh, this guy, like, sat down and wrote all these jokes and memorized them. It just highlights how, at its core, fucking lame standup comedy is.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't like when I go see a standup. I hate to think about that standup in a different room. Like, going, like, sighing heavily and then opening his computer.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah. And writing jokes.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's like, oh, God, how depressing it.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I mean.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, you don't want to highlight that Beyonce. You watch it, you're not like, oh, she's coming up with that at the top of her head.

[Scott Aukerman]

No. And then they're intercutting, like, footage of the rehearsals, and you're like, oh, she works hard.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

But for you, you want everyone to think when they go see Kumail, that You thought of these things just mere moments before you say them.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah. Like, people have come to shows in different cities, like, the same week and been like, well, it was all the same material. It's like, yeah, man, I didn't write a new hour since Wednesday. But, yeah, I did two shows at the Vic in Chicago.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you shot it in Chicago. That's great. And this, you shot it at the Vic instead of the Chicago theater because maybe the sight lines instead of, like.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

There are other theaters. I shot at the Vic because in long time ago, I don't know the dates. I could probably come up with the dates. I opened for Zach Galifianakis there. I used to open for Zach, Friend of the show on tour. Lovely man, friend of the show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course, he was on earlier in the year, and we said he needed a hit. And then Lilo and Stitch came out, was a big hit for him.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Huge.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think that we had. We played a small part in that.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I would say I went through small.

[Scott Aukerman]

Part through his resume or his filmography, and we talked about how he really needed a hit.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Wow, that sounds like a very stressful appearance. But, yeah, I opened for him there, and I was like, well, someday I want to headline this venue. And then the next time I played was when I taped my special down.

[Scott Aukerman]

Incredible story earlier. What's.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Where.

[Announcer]

Where.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where could this story possibly go after this?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Oh, God, I need a hint.

[Scott Aukerman]

What was the last movie you were in?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Speaking of which, I got one coming out this month. Next month.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is it?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Ella McKay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ella McKay.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yes. Let me write this down. It's James L. Brooks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Jamie Lee Curtis and I saw the.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Trailer a couple of times.

[Scott Aukerman]

What was that like working with James L. Brooks?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Woody Harrelson, Albert Brooks. Albert Brooks.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Ab.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Hung out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you talk to. You hung out with him?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? What's he like? Tell me everything.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

He's wonderful. He's great. He knows every single comedy thing. So he was naming, like, he was talking to me about Matt Rife. I was like, you should not know who Matt Ryan.

[Scott Aukerman]

No one should.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Right? Well, I'm not saying that, but it's weird. He, like, keeps up on TikTok, and he knows all the new comedians and everything. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

So he knew your stuff and. And I guess. Yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Okay. It didn't come up, but he did know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, it seems like if he was talking about everyone, that you should be included.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I am. If the group is everyone, I'm certainly part of that group. Yeah, but not as much as Matt Rife is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I mean, Matt Rife truly was everyone for a little while.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

We. We all were. It was Pluribus, but Matt Rife we were really into.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, I'm really enjoying Pluribus. Are you enjoying it?

[Scott Aukerman]

I am a lot. Yes.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very good. Yeah. It seems to come up every episode that we've done recently. It's. It's fantastic.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

You brought it up.

[Scott Aukerman]

I know.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

So you can't be like, it seems to come up. You're bringing it up.

[Scott Aukerman]

It just somehow.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Somehow every episode we talk about Pluribus. Yeah. You gotta stop bringing it up, man. There's a very, very easy fix to this problem.

[Scott Aukerman]

So what is the role in Ella McKay that you play?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

So Emma Mackey's the lead who plays. Guess who she plays?

[Scott Aukerman]

Ella McKay.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

That's correct. You've seen that movie, too.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you think that James lbrooks, by the way, thought he was naming the movie after her and got her name wrong?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I think there's like, a 30% chance that's true. There's like, a quick. There's a little bit of a chance because he's a.

[Scott Aukerman]

What a long storied career. The Mary Tyler Moore show, the Simpsons Broadcast News, Terms of so many good as it gets. So many incredible projects he's worked on. But he's an older gentleman. Do you think he just was like. Let's just call it her name. Ella McKay.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah. There's a chance. I play. She's. She's a governor, and I play, like, her bodyguard cop guy who's, like, assigned to protect her.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, do you carry a piece?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I carry a piece.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you get to, like, shoot anyone in the movie?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

It's not that kind of movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wouldn't it be great, though, if the.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Last act was maybe, like, full action?

[Scott Aukerman]

She's kidnapped and you go after the kidnappers.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Do we have time for reshoots? We got two weeks before this thing comes out. Jim, I got a pitch for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

What if she's kidnapped?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah. And then I kill everybody and she doesn't make it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is there romance between the two of you?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I would imagine hints.

[Scott Aukerman]

Little hints of.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I actually have not seen the movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so you don't know if that made it in or.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Read the script?

[Announcer]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you, like, looking longingly at her in every scene?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I think there's some of that. I think I certainly. There's an attraction there, for sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was that just something you added to the part?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

It was in the script. I want to be clear. I Added nothing to the script. I said what he told me to say.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but when you get on set, you can riff, right?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

James L. Brooks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, why not?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

What if you did?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

He actually does love riffing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, does he really?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, he loves it too much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, so there was a lot of improv in the, in the.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Well, sometimes he gets into it, then he's like, now say this, now say this. And you're kind of like, yeah, this is all great, but it's funny. But I don't think it's going to be in the movies.

[Scott Aukerman]

He likes options though, right?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Who doesn't like, who doesn't love options?

[Scott Aukerman]

Who doesn't love. And this is the one movie I directed who doesn't love a seven hour cut that you have to whittle down? It's like sculpting.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

You know what I mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

Like, there's a good movie in here somewhere.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I somehow have to find it in the next few months. But I shot a fucking seven or eight hour movie. I don't know why.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Good luck.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but that's great, Ella McKay. That must be exciting for you. So you got a movie coming out that's gonna be a hit. You got a hit coming?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, I mean, I don't know if it's gonna be a hit, but I'm also in the next season of Fallout. Do you watch Fallout?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, Fallout's great.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. What? Can you talk about what role you play?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I play. No, I don't know. I play someone in like the Brotherhood, you know, the Knights. I'm in that crew.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I play someone in that crew.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you do scenes with John Daly?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I didn't have any scenes with John Daly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Too bad.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, I know.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about Goggins?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

No, I was with Aaron Moten, who's like, in that. I was in that storyline.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. It seems like there'd be a cast party though, at someone's mom's house.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, I couldn't make it. I could not go to the, I genuinely could not go to the wrap party.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe at a bowling alley or something. Goggins and everyone just Goggins.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Have you had him on?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

God, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Would love to have Goggins.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

He'd be top five. He's in the five.

[Scott Aukerman]

He amazing actor. Yeah, yeah. I don't even mean like currently. I mean like of all time.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

So you don't like him currently?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I, I, I'm saying he's great and would be in the top five of all actors who have ever acted.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Okay. I, I Would go with that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, he's great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who else?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

He makes his face look like a full monster on that show.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's so good in Fallout. Yeah. Yeah. That's no makeup.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

That's all.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's all him.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

He showed up. Wow, you're really good.

[Scott Aukerman]

I hear that he. He actually puts on his regular face for other.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

That's his real face.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

He finally found the right project, I guess.

[Scott Aukerman]

He really did.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

He was up for Skeletor for years. But, you know, that movie keeps getting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Pushed with Noah Centenino.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Is that who that is?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, that. Is that who Noah Centenino is? The guy who didn't play.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Is he a he man?

[Scott Aukerman]

He was supposed to be. I think it got scuttled or ankled, as Variety would say, but I'm anxiously awaiting it. No, the original he man. Who played the original he man?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Dolph Lundgren, of course. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. And what's his name in Rocky iv?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Ivan Drago.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ivan Drago. That's right.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

That's right. He's a. He's like a PhD in chemistry or something.

[Scott Aukerman]

He is. Yeah. And he's one of the expendables.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

And he's one of the. I saw him recently in real life.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

That bone structure holds up. He looks great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bones are. Are important.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Go ahead. What were you gonna say about bones? Bones are important. That is so true. You know, I've never heard it, but sometimes you hear something and you're like, that is so true. I can't believe that's the first time I'm hearing it. I thought bones were expendable. Turns out bones are important.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where do you see a guy like Lundgren?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Rungren.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Lundgren. You're like that.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Like.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Have you seen Clean Slate, that movie? Clean Slate? Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dana Garvey. I love that movie.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah. You're like, if that guy ended up in, like, a classroom. Oh, I have to, like, teach kids about biology. Bones are important.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, Ella, BK is out soon. Night Thoughts is out on Hulu, December 19th.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I really want to focus on Night Thoughts more than I want to focus on the Ella McKay, because Ella McKay does.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, it doesn't change your life.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

It's got other people's. It's on other people's shoulders.

[Scott Aukerman]

But, you know, if. Who else is in? Ella McKay. You were saying?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Jimmy Lee Curtis, Albert Brooks.

[Scott Aukerman]

So if Night Thoughts does well, their lives don't improve or.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Certainly not. Yeah, no, Jamie Lee Curtis is unaffected by my success or failure.

[Scott Aukerman]

But she might send you a nice note.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

She might send me. She actually might send me a nice note.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. So we want Night Thoughts to do well so Jamie Lee Curtis can send Kumail a nice note, among other reasons. Yeah. Well, Night Thoughts is coming out December 19th. Kumail Nanjiani joining the exclusive at Timers Club. We need to take a break if that's okay. We have charity organizer and a person in law enforcement. This is exciting to talk to someone in law enforcement in this climate.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Good. I am totally on their side, no matter what. 100% law enforcement.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, we're going to take a break. We'll be right back with more comedy babies.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Stop talking about this.

[Scott Aukerman]

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[Announcer]

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[Scott Aukerman]

Comedy Bang Bang. We're back. Humail Nanjiani night thoughts Hulu December 19th. You ever think about getting back into PODC now that it's so lucrative?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, but what should my podcast be? Already did. Video games and X Files.

[Wyatt Malibu]

What's left?

[Scott Aukerman]

They haven't made any new video games. Or they have, but they haven't made any new X Files.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

They haven't.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Oh, that's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rank your X File seasons for us.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Four.

[Scott Aukerman]

Four is number one.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Four is number one.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Got it.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I'm gonna go four, three, five. I'm gonna put six there before two and one. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cause one and two, they were still figuring it out and there's a bunch of clunkers.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Or I would say one. They're figuring it out. I mean, the good episodes are great, but they don't quite know exactly what the show is like 2, 3, 4, 5 are considered the height of the show.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Yes.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Some people say six is. I think six is a totally underrated season. Cause six comes after the movie. You remember there's a movie?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, the first movie. Yeah. I remember six being about where I tapped, where I was like, oh, I'm not quite sure because of the movie. I was a little like. That didn't really solve anything.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

And no, I think you could see what they were trying to do, but the show was so successful that they couldn't tie it up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. Yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Between five and six, there's the movie. What's good is after the movie, season six, there's no pressure to. They're like. They give themselves a break and they tell a bunch of, like, great one offs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Those are the ones that I really liked.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, I thought the alien storyline was really good too. They just couldn't end it when they wanted to.

[Scott Aukerman]

How did it. Because I never saw the end. How did it end?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Not sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

You had a podcast about it.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, I don't think it ended. I don't think the story ended.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, well, maybe someday it will. Would you bring it back as the executive producer, the X Files? Yeah.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Yes.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's get you in that room.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I'd bring it back in a heartbeat.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Well, if you're out there, Chris. What was his name? Connolly? No, he was the movie reviewer for MTV News.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Chris Carter.

[Scott Aukerman]

Chris Carter, if you're out there listening, Kumail wants to bring back the X Files. Please, would you do the. Would you be. I mean, you already have this experience as a. As an agent guarding Ella McKay.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I know. I've kept the gun. I kept the suit.

[Scott Aukerman]

You kept the gun?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

No, I didn't keep the gun, but. But I know how to hold a.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gun now, you know. Wait, before, what were you doing? Picking it up by the barrel?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, I was picking up by the barrel. I was putting it in my mouth, but the wrong end. Not like the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's not dangerous.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Not the Goodbye.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where the barrel's pointing at your penis. Yes.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Exactly at my penis.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Yep.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, we need to get to our next guest, if that's. That's okay.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, I guess.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Okay, well, let's bring him on. He. He's a charity organizer. Please welcome Wyatt Malibu.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Hey, how are you? God, so great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Doing so good. This is Kamal.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Oh, how are you?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Hey, Wyatt.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wyatt.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Lovely to meet you. Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you from California? The name Malibu implies that.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I wish I was ironic. I wish I was. I wish I was.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Why?

[Wyatt Malibu]

Well, it's a lovely place, the sunshine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but you could live here. Why do you have to be from.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Well, I do live here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, great. Then you. That's half the battle already. Why do you want to be from here?

[Wyatt Malibu]

Okay. I don't know why we're in a fight about this.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I'm a fight. He's just asking you a very reasonable question.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Absolutely, yes. No, I'm from. From the dead center of Iowa.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dead center. What is the dead center? Where. What do you mean by that?

[Wyatt Malibu]

I'm in Quad Cities, Iowa, right in the middle.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I. I do know Quad Cities.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Great, great place. Love it.

[Scott Aukerman]

But great place, but you prefer not to be.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Now I forget.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

What are the names of the cities? I forget the names of the.

[Wyatt Malibu]

All four Quad Cities.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, what their names. You're from there.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I'm from there. I know the four quad cities are Hamsburg and then south of that is Via Senor.

[Scott Aukerman]

Via Senor.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Via Senor, Iowa.

[Wyatt Malibu]

And then. And then Shopsville.

[Scott Aukerman]

Shopsville, yeah. That's the major, you know, entertainment.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

They got outlet malls.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Yeah, they had. They were really into zoning in the early days of Iowa. And then the last one is Quad Cities West.

[Scott Aukerman]

Quad Cities West.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Okay, so Quad Cities West, Shopsville, Villa Senor and Hamster.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hamsburg. Okay.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you're from all of them. You were saying?

[Wyatt Malibu]

I'm from right in the middle. So you're the unincorporated zone of Quad Cities, Iowa.

[Scott Aukerman]

So was your house kind of in the.

[Wyatt Malibu]

My house is the geographic center of Quad Cities, Iowa.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. So it straddled all four of them.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I get. I look at. My grandfather was an eccentric man and he set this up.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

But.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, but he's no longer with us.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

He specifically wanted to have a be right in the middle of all four.

[Wyatt Malibu]

And in none of them, he wasn't. He was a. What we call man.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Map.

[Wyatt Malibu]

A map head.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Huh. We call it.

[Wyatt Malibu]

He was into maps and I guess I never knew him. He died before I was born.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Did he make maps or was just a fan?

[Wyatt Malibu]

He made maps. He was a fan. And he also made map. Made a ton of them. He mapped a lot of stuff.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think map guys call it cartography.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, they called it.

[Wyatt Malibu]

That's right. He was a cartographer.

[Scott Aukerman]

But when you say what we call a map guy. Who aren't interested?

[Wyatt Malibu]

No. In my family, it's like that guy was a real map.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I see.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Kind of a dismissive to term about the grandfather. Right? Well, he had a lot of. He was like a local character. And so he was kind of full of Himself. He wasn't so good to his family. He was more into his public image.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

What does not good to his family?

[Scott Aukerman]

What's that mean? He didn't leave you money.

[Wyatt Malibu]

He didn't leave us money.

[Scott Aukerman]

He was like, make your own money.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Okay.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

How much money is there in map making?

[Wyatt Malibu]

He had a ton. This guy had a ton. He was sitting on it.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Aren't all the maps made?

[Wyatt Malibu]

Not. Not in his time. Okay, now, now it's over. Now the industry's over. Google's got itself. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're not making more earth or anything like that.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

They're not making more earth. Bones are important.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Important. No, I guess that's true. Never thought about that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Two things.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Why are you here?

[Wyatt Malibu]

I'm here because I run charities and it's the holiday season.

[Scott Aukerman]

You run charities?

[Wyatt Malibu]

I run charities. That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's okay. So you're the president of several charities.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I am, in a way there. Well, in a way, because what. What we do now is. I don't know if you guys know about this, but there's pop up charities.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no, I haven't heard about. Well, have you heard of.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

No, I've never heard of pop up charities. I've heard of like Papa Bagel places and things like that. Pop up video.

[Wyatt Malibu]

It's not at all like pop up.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a beautiful rendition.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's like the new heart theme.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Pop up video. Go ahead. Pop up charities.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Pop up. Yes. Thank you. Pop up charity. So, yeah, like instead of the sort of long standing classic charities like unicef, you know, or, you know, the Red.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Red Cross.

[Scott Aukerman]

Red Cross, yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

What's the one with the red cross? Yep. What's that one that has the red Cross?

[Scott Aukerman]

I was thinking of the Red Santa.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, okay, Right. That's Goodwill.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

What?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, but what's the one where the doctors don't have any borders? What's that charity called?

[Wyatt Malibu]

Probably Doctors Without Borders.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, but so pop ups, those.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Those are long standing charities. And the problem with them is they get so much bureaucracy. There's so much staff, there's expensive.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's what I was.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Red tape.

[Wyatt Malibu]

They have trouble getting their mission done. So now they have these pop up charities that sort of just come into existence with a skeleton crew, gather some money, get it to who needs it, and then go away.

[Scott Aukerman]

What about a skeletor crew?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

That is a very. Oh, yeah. Going back to Walt, that'd be.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Wouldn't that be fun?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Wouldn't that be great? It is true. Because, you know, UNICEF's been at it so long and they haven't cured any. They haven't fixed.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Just like Right. Well I mean I don't know if.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'd say they have seem to be getting worse.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I I don't want to go on the record and say UNICEF's getting worse.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah. I'm staying away from.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's UNICEF stand for?

[Wyatt Malibu]

It stands for the United Nations. Yeah, United Nations International children something Fund.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

They haven't fixed fund.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Yeah, get them out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

The children are still around so they have not fixed anything.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I guess you're right. UNICEF is a failure. I guess I will go on record.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you, you're the.

[Wyatt Malibu]

So I'm president of sort of short term charities, temporary charities. Yeah. Just like hey let's what's you come.

[Scott Aukerman]

In, you fix a problem, you get out.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Like instead of trying to fix big, big problems that are difficult for to solve, you know, maybe a church's roof has caved in from a storm. Let's get a pop up charity sort of one step above a GoFundMe. Oh o rally the community organizers. I'll be in charge of that. Get some donations, fix that roof, close down the organization.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you gave that as an example. Is that, has that ever happened?

[Wyatt Malibu]

That has happened several times.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

The church, the roof of church.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Roofs of churches collapse all the time. They're not well built.

[Scott Aukerman]

You got to start making your roofs.

[Wyatt Malibu]

You got to start making your roofs better. I've had, we've had at least 10 churches where the roofs have completely caved.

[Scott Aukerman]

In because of weather.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Because of weather. Rainstorm hits, the church is not ready.

[Scott Aukerman]

Building churches just expecting sunshine, 365 degrees.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Now I have a pitch for you. If this is such a very specific issue that comes up, why not have.

[Scott Aukerman]

A charity devoted to that specific.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

And then just they can handle all the times that happens instead of starting a new one for each church that needs its roof fix.

[Wyatt Malibu]

You don't want the red tape to accumulate. The minute you start having an organization stick around. You got legacy employees. You have people who have been around a while.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many employees do you.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Oh yeah. Because the worst thing is experience.

[Wyatt Malibu]

For, for employees it's not just they get entitlement and sometimes you hire somebody and they're great and then they don't get it. They're not as great great but you still feel loyal.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah. Then start unions. You know that's right.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Unions are bad.

[Scott Aukerman]

Deregulation and, and non union, that's what we're for here.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I don't want to say unions are bad in the world. Of charity. Maybe we don't need unions.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you say you just try to.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Get the money not to the staff, but through the staff. Shut up for a second, okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

You say you only have. You say only.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Hey, Mr. Papa, why don't you shut up for a second?

[Wyatt Malibu]

What a refreshing talk show host you are. With that straight. I wish more talk show hosts shut right to the chase. I watched Jimmy Fallon and gosh, what a great guy. But I think he should just tell his people to shut up. I got a question.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, so you say you only have one employee. Is that you? Or. Or you have another? No, it's me.

[Wyatt Malibu]

It's me. I take care of it, okay? I take care of everything.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you full 360 service.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Full 360 service. You hand the money to me, I pass it on to the churches, the roof is fixed, no problems, move on.

[Scott Aukerman]

But are you hiring contractors to do this kind of stuff?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

If need be.

[Wyatt Malibu]

If need be.

[Scott Aukerman]

What happened? So people hand you the money and they got very vague after that.

[Wyatt Malibu]

They hand me the money and you got to get some contractors going. So you have to get some money to some people and they get up a roof there, the roof's better, everyone's happy, don't worry about it.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

This feels like a front.

[Wyatt Malibu]

It's not a front. Not a front. It's a pop up charity. I handle it. Don't go. Fund Me is a for profit organization. You can't trust them. Just hand me the money. Give it to me in a briefcase.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you take a salary?

[Wyatt Malibu]

Sorry, I. I take a bonus.

[Scott Aukerman]

A bonus?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Bonus. There's no not per gig.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Not per gig?

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you taking it in money or in roofs?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

He gets all the shitty. The broken roofs.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I wish, I wish I could take it in roofs because I got more roofs than I know what to do with. No, I take it in money. I take it just enough to get by.

[Scott Aukerman]

And when you like, what percentage of.

[Wyatt Malibu]

The money that changes from, you know, it's, it's.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

It changes. I feel like that should be consistent.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I don't think so.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's.

[Wyatt Malibu]

It's on a.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is it? Whatever's left over?

[Wyatt Malibu]

Yeah, it's what is good for the project. What's left over? What are the. What are the. What costs have I personally incurred that I might need to.

[Scott Aukerman]

What kind of cost would you incur?

[Wyatt Malibu]

Well, right now I live in Los Feliz, Los Angeles. So if a roof of a church is local, that's going to be real cheap for me because I can just go for my Apartment. But let's say it's a roof in, I don't know, Seattle, Washington.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Why would. Why would anyone donate to you to fix?

[Wyatt Malibu]

I'm going to.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

They're like.

[Scott Aukerman]

When you're just like a local asshole.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

That's not true. Local.

[Scott Aukerman]

Local collects money for Seattle roof.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I don't think any news organization headline in the country would approve that.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think that anyone would print that because it's so unbelievable.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Look, I get it done. If you got a. If your church roof caves in, call Wyatt. Don't worry about any of the problems.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'll.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I'll get them with the percentage, I don't know, 30% percent.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Wow, that's a big chunk.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Depends what the money is. 30 of $10 isn't that much are people giving you.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

But if it's.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's $3.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Okay. If it's.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Wyatt Malibu]

If it's $10, 30 is not.

[Scott Aukerman]

But it's never $10. How much?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, it's a lot more than that.

[Wyatt Malibu]

It's several hundred thousand dollars.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah. So you're getting 30 of several hundred thousand.

[Scott Aukerman]

Give you hundreds of thousands of dollars if you want a roof.

[Wyatt Malibu]

If you want the roof of your church fixed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, first of all, sir, I'm so sorry. I don't appreciate that I left the comedy Bang Bang. That's. I don't think anyone in the church's room.

[Wyatt Malibu]

You're absolutely right. I got heated. I got heated. Camille, I'm going to apologize to you. Scott, Remind me. Haman. Apologies.

[Scott Aukerman]

Apologize to our next guest too. I know he's not on, but just.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I want to apologize to our next guest who's over there helping himself to. To a nice little plate of or d'.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oeuvres. Yeah, we have a nice or D plate for every. Every.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Yes. I love mine. I'm sorry, I got too heated. Look, look, I.

[Scott Aukerman]

How did you get into this?

[Wyatt Malibu]

I saw a need. A church in Quad Cities collapsed. Nobody.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Was the whole thing or just the roof?

[Wyatt Malibu]

The whole roof completely square. Fell in.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

And did anybody. Was anybody there?

[Wyatt Malibu]

Was it. No, thankfully nobody. No injuries.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, are church roofs. Are they mainly collapsing at night?

[Wyatt Malibu]

They're mostly collapsing at night.

[Scott Aukerman]

That. I don't know why that is. It's like fire alarms that beep.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

You know why? Because God's asleep at night.

[Scott Aukerman]

Night, yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

In the day. God's holding it up.

[Scott Aukerman]

He made us in his image. It makes sense.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

It makes sense.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I do think that when architects build churches, they're cocky.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Wyatt Malibu]

You know what it will protect?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah. Maybe because they're making the roofs that in the morning, so by the night time they've like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Gotten old.

[Scott Aukerman]

That makes sense.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

That makes sense.

[Wyatt Malibu]

That's probably.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

That's probably what it is. Are you only exclusively. Are your popups only dealing with church rules?

[Wyatt Malibu]

Thus far, we have only done church rules. We could do any construction.

[Scott Aukerman]

When you said, let me give you an example of what. What we would do. This is the only thing that you do.

[Wyatt Malibu]

That's the main thing we've done church roofs. It's the main thing we've done.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do other stuff.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I want to do other stuff. I'm here. I'm here to pitch my services. That's why I'm on your program.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Oh, yeah.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Let me know what you need. If. Certainly. Any construction projects I could do. If there's anything similar to roofs of churches.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Wyatt Malibu]

If there's.

[Scott Aukerman]

At a 30% markup, it depends.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I don't always take 30%. I have taken 30%. The first job. I took 30% because I was broke.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I was.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I was. I was like, I'm not going to.

[Scott Aukerman]

You did it because you're broke.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Oh, well, I'm not going to be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Able to keep doing it.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I'm not gonna be able to keep doing it if I don't. If I don't take some money to get this. To get this going.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, it's like I'm helping you. Otherwise, I can't stay solvent. And how am I gonna fix more churches? Yeah.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Then I'm gonna have to go back to working in the grocery store if I don't. If.

[Scott Aukerman]

What grocery store did you work?

[Wyatt Malibu]

I used to work at a Grand Union grocery store.

[Scott Aukerman]

A grant. Is that a chain?

[Wyatt Malibu]

That is a chain. Grand Union is a chain.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Wyatt Malibu]

And I used to work. I used to work in the butcher department of meat. I cut meat. I cut it good.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you're. You were a butcher?

[Wyatt Malibu]

I was a butcher.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I worked. Yeah. Yeah. I never got in the union. I was. I was a butcher. I was like a butcher's assistant.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

You were like, tapped Hartley.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Nobody knows what that.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I don't quite know what that means, but I was unofficial. I was not. Not a certified. But I could. I could do the job.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Because by the time the meat gets to the grocery store, it's mostly been cut. You're just sort of cutting up. Cutting.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Right. You don't get, like a skinless cow.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Right.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I'm not getting a whole pig. And I have to like. Yeah, you just get like a hunk of. Of Boris Head. And you got to, like, just, like, you know, slice it up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so you're just slicing up stuff that's already.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Sounds pretty easy.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Sounds pretty easy.

[Scott Aukerman]

How much money did you make last year from all of this?

[Wyatt Malibu]

From the charities?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not from the grocery store.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Let me check.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jesus Christ. Look it up.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I'm going to give you the right answer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, look it up.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Wow.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I did pretty good.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Wow.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

That's a lot of money.

[Scott Aukerman]

How much did you make?

[Wyatt Malibu]

$450,000 thousand dollars.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Pretty good.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I'm seeing why this is a job you want to do.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I'm just. Listen, none of that money went to taxes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, should you be admitting that?

[Wyatt Malibu]

Wait, I don't mean that. I don't mean that. I don't mean that. I mean.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, it's all.

[Wyatt Malibu]

None of the money went to Texas.

[Scott Aukerman]

Texas. Okay.

[Wyatt Malibu]

That's what I meant.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Why do you need to clarify that? Why would money go to Texas?

[Wyatt Malibu]

I just wanted to make sure that people know that the money is not getting siphoned off to Texas.

[Scott Aukerman]

It sounds like you're a tax cheat. Not at all. Dodge.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Not at all. Not a. Not a bit.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're a scammer. You're a flammer.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah. You're stealing from people who are donating and then you're not. You seem to be proud of the fact that you're not Don. You're not doing taxes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have any of these church roofs blown off since you've supposedly fixed them? Wyatt. Malibu.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I mean, mostly no.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Mostly, no.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Two of them did. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Wyatt Malibu]

And they did blow off.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Wyatt Malibu]

And they are still intact on the ground next to the church. A full.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Full roof.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Full roof, just like, pop the lid. Pop right off.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's hard to do.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

No. Yeah. So that's together. That's because of good quality construction.

[Wyatt Malibu]

That's what I think the roofs are. You know, we double stud those guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

So when you say most of them, how many have you done? Five.

[Wyatt Malibu]

No, I've gotten, like. Let me. I've, like, 15 church churches replaced the rock roofs of 15 total.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

And what other kind of charity work are you looking to get?

[Wyatt Malibu]

Six of them have blown off, and we got nine still standing.

[Scott Aukerman]

How? You said two. This is moments ago.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Yeah, it was six. I had to think about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Wyatt Malibu]

It's six.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah. That's a high percentage of roofs to blow off.

[Wyatt Malibu]

It's higher than we. Like. We're gonna get that down.

[Scott Aukerman]

You want to get those numbers down.

[Wyatt Malibu]

We're gonna get that down. We're gonna hopefully zero. Definitely lower.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Can't get everything perfect. We'll hopefully get it down to maybe just one or two roofs. Roofs a year.

[Scott Aukerman]

But as Komail asks, what. What type of work, like, what type of charity would you like to do?

[Wyatt Malibu]

Gosh, I would love to feed children. You know that famine amongst children populations, that's always. That's always a logistical problem. There's enough food in the world. It's just getting it to the people is.

[Scott Aukerman]

What if we made food free? Huh? What if we made food free?

[Wyatt Malibu]

Once again, I want to thank you for expressing so clearly.

[Scott Aukerman]

I just, I've never seen this before.

[Wyatt Malibu]

To talk show host.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm sorry, but my disdain for you. You was at an all time high before you even talked about siphoning all this money into your own.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Well, I haven't siphoned it.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's.

[Wyatt Malibu]

The records are clear. No, I'm not hiding anything. I'm not lying.

[Scott Aukerman]

Other than your tax, like, I pay all my taxes.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I don't know what I was talking about before. I was hypnotized.

[Scott Aukerman]

I was probably hypnotized. Okay, that's not going to hold up in court, I have to say. You're not a lawyer.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Your honor, I was probably hypnotized. You're not a lawyer.

[Wyatt Malibu]

You don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Know. It's worked for me.

[Wyatt Malibu]

It's worked for me before.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Okay, so let me say, like, for instance, this. Could you do a charity for this? Like we're on a group, like a neighborhood group, what's it called? Where like people report problems in the.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Group next door, you mean?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, yeah, the next door and our like area group, they're like, they get very, very. It turns out it's a little bit. Gets a little bit racist.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Okay, sure.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

It feels like they'll be like, oh, at this church, they're busing in people and it's like, oh, that's just. It's Sunday and it's people going, I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Think the next door app is just one degree away from just being.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I've heard of this. Yeah. Or like I saw an undesirable person, but.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was just like someone. Yeah. So is there like a. Is there anything you could do about that? Is there a charity you could set.

[Scott Aukerman]

Charity that like, sets people's minds, right?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, like fixes like racism?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, that would be a great charity. I would donate.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why wouldn't you do it?

[Wyatt Malibu]

Just so that I know what you're talking about. You want a charity to correct the mindset of the people posting to next.

[Scott Aukerman]

Door or all races Racism.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, I'm sorry, let me pull back. Why don't you have a charity that cures racism?

[Wyatt Malibu]

I mean, I would love to.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Do you think it's not a problem?

[Wyatt Malibu]

I'm just, I don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

You just think racism in any, any sort is all right.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Do you think it's fine?

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that what you're trying to say?

[Wyatt Malibu]

That's not what I think. That's not what I think.

[Scott Aukerman]

You endorse racism.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Not done. A charity. Pop up charity to cure racism.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I don't. I haven't thought about it before, but you know what I'll do?

[Scott Aukerman]

That would be the first charity pop of that.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I would do that. Okay, you know what? The feeding the children.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Wait, that's a pretty good one.

[Scott Aukerman]

We don't want to feed them if they're going to grow up racist.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, exactly.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Okay, I'll.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Do you want them to starve?

[Wyatt Malibu]

Okay, I will.

[Scott Aukerman]

I want all racist children to starve. And I'm on record saying that, yeah, he's equal opportunity.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Okay, I will look into this. Let's just say I'm going to make a soft maybe type of pledge to start a pop up charity.

[Scott Aukerman]

Make it a hard yes.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

It's.

[Scott Aukerman]

And then we're, we're going to be.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

We'll donate to you right now.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Okay. Oh, I'll make a hard yes to do my best to tackle racism and a local.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Do your best.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Like if you're fixing the roof charger.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I promise to fix racism. I promise to fix racism.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Okay, It'll be gone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Give me how many, how long do you need?

[Wyatt Malibu]

12 months and.

[Scott Aukerman]

12 months. And how much money do you need to do this?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I mean, I can only pledge $300,000.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what?

[Wyatt Malibu]

I don't know. I mean, it's, I'll, I'll.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know what, to make it a million, I'll do the extra set. 700?

[Wyatt Malibu]

Yeah, I mean, it's, I was thinking it's gonna be 5 million, but I think with a million.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I'll do that. I'll do 4 million. 4.7 million.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, you do 4.7. I'll do 300 grand.

[Wyatt Malibu]

All right, great. I'll. Hang on. I'm gonna send you guys a Venmo link right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just.

[Wyatt Malibu]

We'll get that started and we'll meet back here in a year and I'll let you know how it went.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

No, we should, we should know how it went.

[Wyatt Malibu]

You'll know how it went. But we don't have.

[Scott Aukerman]

We should have a pretty good.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

You should have a male.

[Scott Aukerman]

Maybe should have a better idea than.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Hey, man, going through airports is way easier. Thank you.

[Wyatt Malibu]

You'll notice first, I guess before Scott, but just get on your next door app and you'll just start seeing those racist.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you want to meet back here in a year when Kumail enters the what Timers club would it be?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Kumail 9.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you'll be in the 2? No, I expect to have you back several times in between.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, we want to check on the progress. Constant update.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, we want to know it's cured.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

And I want it cured race by race.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I wanted to be first. All hatred against Asians goes away.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Okay. And you Asian and South Asian. Like the whole continent.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, man. We don't need to draw lines.

[Wyatt Malibu]

That's like. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Other than the line between Asian and all other races.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Just for now. It's a temporary line, much like your pop ups.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Asia includes the Middle East. Right. So I have to fix the Middle East. India, China, Japan.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

You don't want to start with Asians. You want to start with Asia.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

You don't think that Asians.

[Wyatt Malibu]

No, no, I deserve it.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I do.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I'm just saying it's a. That's the biggest one. Let's start with Antarctica and work up. Let's just get the racist against Antarcticans.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Just because I think we've already fixed that.

[Scott Aukerman]

We don'. I think we're okay in that.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, we like penguins.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Australians. Then let's go to the next biggest. We'll go to Australia.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Okay. They got some complicated shit going on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Over there, so you may want to start with Asia.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Actually, Asia is easier to fix.

[Wyatt Malibu]

All right, we'll fix all the. All right. You can. Hey, you guys are paying for this.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I want to go one by one. I want Asia first to zero. Once you get to zero, then you can move on to other races.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Okay, so first Asia to zero, then Australia.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

But if you had to divvy up Asia into different sections, what would they be? Because it seemed like you were like all of it together. So if you had to like do.

[Scott Aukerman]

To and rank them as well.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I'm not going to rank them. I'm just. Asia's a huge area. Right.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

And who are the best people in the huge area?

[Wyatt Malibu]

That's not what I was trying to say.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I don't mean names. I mean like types of.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Exactly. I know what you meant. I don't think.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm just thinking about the ones that are okay by you.

[Wyatt Malibu]

There's Nothing.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're all great.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're the good ones. Yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Everyone's never done nothing to me.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Everyone's equally great. There's not a bad person in Asia.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

This sounds like he's already curing races.

[Scott Aukerman]

It sounds. Yeah, he's starting with himself. Elf.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I just. They're all equal. I'm gonna fix the. I'll fix it at an equal rate across the entire continent.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I won't favor any area.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Please don't.

[Wyatt Malibu]

So, you know, Hong Kong won't come before the, you know, the Siberia or something like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, well, I'm. I'm gonna press my button to send. That's 4.7 mil. You got your 300k?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Can I borrow 300k?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah. Let me thank you to you first.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, okay. To me and then I'll send it to you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I got this. Okay. All right.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Right.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you up to five?

[Wyatt Malibu]

See yours in there?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Kumail sent it to you. You should. Should be hitting your.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

There you go.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Okay, let me see. Yep, I got it.

[Scott Aukerman]

You got the five mil?

[Wyatt Malibu]

I got the five mil.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. We're going to meet back here a year.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Well, we're going to be regular updates.

[Wyatt Malibu]

We'll get up. I'll email you guys.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, 40% done with the racism against Asians.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I'll get a number. Yeah, I'll break. I'm more.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm more of an Instagram DM guy, so.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Okay, I'll DM you on Instagram. Camille, how do you like to be contacted?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I want TikTok videos that are just directed to me.

[Wyatt Malibu]

All right? I message you on TikTok a video letting you know.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Just say, hey, Kamal. And then real just to me.

[Scott Aukerman]

I want him, though. Don't give him info that I don't get.

[Wyatt Malibu]

You'll get it both. Okay. I'll DM you and TikTok you 20% less in China or whatever it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, good. Yeah, we want. We need these stats. Yeah, exactly.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is great.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Okay. Exact numbers.

[Wyatt Malibu]

This is.

[Scott Aukerman]

I feel good about what we did today.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Dude, you should feel good about. Okay.

[Wyatt Malibu]

And if there's any church roofs that cave in also, let me know now.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I'm just saying this is going to.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Be a full time job.

[Scott Aukerman]

You don't have time for your church roof bullshit here.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Yeah, okay, that's easy for me, so just let me.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's got the reps. All right, well, look, we need. We need to take a break, if that's okay. Wyatt, can you stick around or Are you gonna be too busy with racism?

[Wyatt Malibu]

I gotta.

[Scott Aukerman]

I got time fixing it. I gotta sing it.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I got time.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, great. We need to take a break. When we come back, we have someone in law enforcement. Oh, boy. Maybe you could start here. Actually, we're gonna come right back. We'll have more Kumail More Wyatt Malibu will be right back with more. Comedy Bang Ban.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

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[Scott Aukerman]

Nice.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

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[Kumail Nanjiani]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

A lot going on in this week, but night thoughts primarily is what you.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Want people to kind of what everyone's talking about. Yeah. 12 days before new Year's Eve.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, possible to give this as a Christmas gift.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, 100%.

[Scott Aukerman]

How would, how would you do that?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Like you could bit torrent it and send the files.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, you you'd like.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Why would I. Why would I pitch that?

[Scott Aukerman]

I. But put that in someone's stalking this Christmas night. Thoughts? 60 minutes or so I would imagine it's 56 minutes.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

And a few seconds.

[Scott Aukerman]

And a few seconds. Right?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Right. At almost.

[Scott Aukerman]

Including credits.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

How long are the credits? 30 minutes.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Short, dude. Oh, really short. We whiz by it. I don't care about any of these names.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you, like, admit names? You're just like, no.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's about the camera.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

The names that people I didn't get along with are not getting credited and they're not getting paid.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you. I wish more people would do.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Good for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Wyatt. Sorry, he's chiming in. Talking to my buddy Kumail.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

What did you say?

[Wyatt Malibu]

I said, good for you. I thought that I'm just standing.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, I know. He was already saying that. You don't.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you don't need to add good for you when I'm already saying good for you.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I'll follow your lead. I'm not an expert.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Thank you, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you, Camille. Wyatt Malibu is here. We need to get to our next guest. He's in law enforcement. He's been on the show a few times before. I can't really recall what we talked about in these times, but please welcome back to the show Inspector Jack Cates.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Thanks for having me, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, my pleasure.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Sorry I ate so many of your hors d'. Oeuvres.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a personal hors d' oeuvre plate, just for you.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I haven't eaten in a week.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? What's going on?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I've been on the run.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. This, by the way, this is Kumail. This is Wyatt Malibu.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Hi, Kumail. Wyatt.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

You're on the run.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

That's right, Scott. We got two days. You gotta keep me hidden here.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's going on? I can't remember. What? First of all, catch us up. Who?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

You.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're an inspector, which means detective.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

In San Francisco.

[Scott Aukerman]

In San Francisco.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

And what. What did we talk about the last few times you were here?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Fine. You remember. You were there all the times. All right, you and I were. You were helping me because I had to find Albert Gans.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Remember?

[Scott Aukerman]

Right. Albert Gans. And what did Albert Gans.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Albert Ganz robbed a payroll. Delicate delivery.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

And then he was in jail, and then he got out and he did a podcast about being in jail.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I needed someone on the inside to get me close. Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

And so are you still looking for Gans or. No, you're on the run this time. Right, Because Gans was on the run.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

The first time he stole my gun. Don't you remember? I was out committing crimes with my gun.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, right, right. And you had to get your gun back.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

And I needed you to help me find him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right, right. And now you need me to help hide you from Gans.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Right? Because after that, then his brother William. No, Richard Jerry Gans.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

And his partner were sent by the Iceman to kill you. Kill you and I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Because we took down Albert Gans. Oh, right. Following right so far.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, I sort of get it.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Right.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so what. What's been going on since the last time you were.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

The last time I was here, I was off to find the Gans family reunion. Remember you hooked me up with Megan Gans?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

We.

[Scott Aukerman]

We emailed Megan Gans and tried to. Tried to see where the reunion.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Hollywood writer of Megan Yan.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Right. She was on Mythic Quest at the time. Which is no longer exists.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right? Still exists.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, this still exists. It's not been like wiped from.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I've not been able to find it anywhere.

[Scott Aukerman]

You think they deleted all trace of Mythic Quest? I don't. Oh, okay. Did she get back to you, by the way?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Well, I. I didn't need her anymore because remember we found out at the end I had a recovered memory that I was a Gans.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. So, you okay? Yes. Everything is now crystal clear.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I'm the third Gan's brother.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

So I had my own invitation to the family reunion. Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, now you're running from Gans.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Well, yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so catch us on the family reunion.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

It was in Salinas, Kansas, which is the home of the guy that made Alley oop the cartoon.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay, great.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Just a coincidence. But that's where the Gans family reunion is.

[Scott Aukerman]

In what way was it a coincidence? Like it seems like Ellie OOP and.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

That guy who made it had nothing to do with the Gans family.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's not a coincidence.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Why did you bring it up?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, a coincidence is. Is like. Oh my gosh. I said Alley oop and then Alley oop happens to be where.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Yeah, now that's happened.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

You just stated a fact and said it was a coincidence.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's two separate facts.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Well, maybe you know Salinas, Kansas because of Alley oop. Are you an Alley oop fan?

[Wyatt Malibu]

I don't know what you're talking about.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

He's a comic caveman.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Alley Oops.

[Scott Aukerman]

A comic Caveman DC.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Yeah, he was a big hit like the 5th.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

He had a famous song. You remember the song Alley Oops.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Not Captain Caveman. That's different.

[Wyatt Malibu]

That's different.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

That's very different.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, but it's not a quick. Can we agree it's not a coincidence?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Flintstone superhero.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hannah Barbera, Sunday.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Nothing to do with Salinas, Kansas.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Alley oop has a lot to do.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Oh my God.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

That's where he was created. But the Dan's female reunion has nothing to do with Alley oop. It does have a lot to do with Salinas, Kansas.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're just two unrelated things. Absolutely not a coincidence. Just two unrelated, unrelated things.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Right. Okay, great.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you went to this family reunion and what happened?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I laid siege. Did you, to the family reunion, make.

[Scott Aukerman]

Friends with the guy who created Alley oop or.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Never met him. He's been long dead, I believe.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

But I, I, I attacked the family reunion. I'm trying to find Albert Gans.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Your brother?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, and my other brother and Richard Cherry Gans.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Richard Cherry Gans.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Were they there?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Yes, they were.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

And what do I have to ask every, do I have to ask a question about every step of the process here or will you just tell us what the happened? You know what I'm saying? Like, do I have to say.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

And then a lot of people, I heard a lot of people at the family reunion, I got nicknamed the family reunion Annihilator and I went to jail.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

How did you hurt these people?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I, I pistol whipped them.

[Scott Aukerman]

That, that's like you have to do that one at a time.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

When I heard that, you heard a lot of people at. I mean, that's like a laborious process.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

One I was running around smacking them all in the face with the side of my service revolver.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

And why were you doing that?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Because they were trying to find Albert Danz.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Uh huh.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Wyatt Malibu]

He knew he was there. Right.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

He's got my gun. But.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

So you using another gun to pistol whip people?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

My own personal gun that I keep in my ankle holster.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Okay, all right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Your little baby gun.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did anyone say where, did anyone say where Albert Ganz was or did you not give him a chance?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

He took off as soon as I started pistol whipping everything.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

So then you kept pistol whipping, though it didn't help. You didn't stop?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I didn't see him. I was really focused on who I was hitting.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you haven't caught up with Gans.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Now he's back in San Francisco. He's impersonating me.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Because he has your revolver As a cop.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

And I got 48 hours to stay away from Gans because he's got 48 hours to find me.

[Scott Aukerman]

What happens after 48 hours?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Time runs out, right?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

He runs out. Like the warrant that they put out on me runs out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I see. So then you can go free.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Statute of limitations for family reunion annihilation is very short.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

It doesn't come up very often because I'm an inspector.

[Scott Aukerman]

I see, Right.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

So all the people that I hurt and killed, they balance it against the ones that I've helped and saved.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, got it. So what do you need me to do?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

You gotta help me stay low. Help me avoid Gans.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, how do I help you stay low?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Well, the hors d' oeuvres are a nice start.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

You don't need in the week.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you basically just saying you want me to feed you for the next two days?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I've been staying here.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, yeah, I guess. Like, yeah, you want to stay here? You can stay here. I don't care.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Great. That's what I've been waiting around for.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, I mean, it's not really something. I mean, yeah, we can do it. Camille, do you want to stay here?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

No, I'm not on the run. I didn't pistol whip my entire family.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Oh, I'd love to stay here if I could.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, sure. Wyatt, I mean, I need you to get to work. I need. I mean, this I can keep close tabs on.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Can you do it from here? Can you zoom and in to cure racism?

[Wyatt Malibu]

I'll zoom in to cure racism. Yeah. I'll do what I. That's gonna be. I should have that done, actually, in a couple weeks, now that I think about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Wyatt Malibu]

All right, great.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

All right, you and I are buddying up here. We're gonna bunk up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you don't have to stand.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

You like to swim?

[Wyatt Malibu]

Sorry?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

You like to swim?

[Wyatt Malibu]

Not really.

[Scott Aukerman]

What?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Me neither. Puts my cigarettes out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, you don't have to swim.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

All right, fine.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just make. Can you. Can you make sure that you're just kind of a quiet house house guest? Is that all right? Because, you know, we don't like a lot because we have a child here. We don't like a lot of, you know, like, noise after 6 or 7pm you know?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

All right, I'll do my best. But you tell that kid to be quiet in the morning because I have to sleep in.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can't tell kids to be quiet.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

They do.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I can tell them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I really want you to stay away from the rest of the.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Don't pistol whip his kid.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Oh, you know what I'm gonna do?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

What?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Oh, I mean, you knew what I was doing.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Don't do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Stay away from my family in general. Okay.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

All right. You stay away from my family.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. I don't. I've never met.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Which means Albert Gans. Get away from him, because he's looking for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And Wyatt, also, that goes for you, too. Please stay away from my family. While you're love to Kamal, you can meet whoever you want.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Okay, great.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Whoever you want.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I have a question. When did this turn into the Iceman getting involved? You said there was the Iceman hunting for you.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

That's right. The second time I was here, the Iceman, well, you thought it was. Was my best friend on the force. Kehoe.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. Kehoe. What happened to Kehoe?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

It turns out he was the Iceman.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And is he in. In league with Gans right now?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

He was running the gang that the Gans brothers were in.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is too complicated.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I don't know. It's just my life. It's not complicated.

[Scott Aukerman]

I just think that, you know, we. You gotta simplify all this, you know, like, this is, what, your fourth, fifth time you've been on the show?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Something like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

And it's just getting, you know, like, so, so much more complicated.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

That's the way life is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can we do a reboot or something like that? You know what I mean? Kumail knows, like, he's on the 20th Marvel movie, and suddenly it's like Blade's there with the Black Knight and pit patrol.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Wesley Snipes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. It's just too complicated.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Just reboot everything.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

All right. I guess I can go back to San Francisco.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, just do a hard reboot.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I'll be like a captain.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Follow the story of a younger inspector.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I don't know if this will happen, Helper screw things up. And I totally understand if we wanted to pretend I didn't say this, but there are reset switches on the back of most people behind their left ear, like laptops have. Most people have this, and if you get a paperclip and you insert it into the button behind your left ear, you can do a hard reboot on your personal continuity.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

First of all, you're blowing my mind that there's one of those on a computer.

[Scott Aukerman]

That part.

[Wyatt Malibu]

That part's not weird.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

That is very strange. I've never noticed that in my life.

[Wyatt Malibu]

A lot of.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I mean, it's kind of faded up.

[Wyatt Malibu]

But for a long time, computers would have little reset switches where you could.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

You had to, like, paper clip, paper clip.

[Wyatt Malibu]

And you could, like, poke at a paperclip under the little reset switch.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Secondly, I think what you're doing is just stabbing people in the neck.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I don't think so.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Severing their spinal column.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I don't.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

As the Annihilator, though.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah. They're gonna have to learn to walk again. Again.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

That's right.

[Wyatt Malibu]

It just reboots their personal continuity. Just feel around behind your left. We don't have to do it. I just want you to know that it's there.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you stab yourself in there.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

You're not going to talk me into sticking a paperclip in the back of my neck.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

All right.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Just an idea. We'll move on.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you're not going to do it to him while he's sleeping.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I won't do. I. No, no, no. I would never do.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Bunk Mates is based on trust.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Malibu, you and I are sleeping in chefs.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

But that doesn't help you. Because if you're sleeping and he's awake, who's protecting you from him?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sleep at the same time.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, it should be the opposite.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

New plan. When I sleep, you sleep.

[Scott Aukerman]

When I sleep, I can't promise just like that. I just like that promise that I can fall asleep at the exact same times.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Okay, you gotta fall asleep before him, and you gotta wake up after him. Okay, I'll do my best. And no getting up in the middle of the night to pee.

[Wyatt Malibu]

All right, that's fine. I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna hit your reset button.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

If it helps, I'll offer to choke you out. When you're feeling drowsy, you want to go to bed, I'll hug your neck.

[Wyatt Malibu]

If you could do it, I'll accept that.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I'm willing to give it a try.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Well, you just don't know.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

You don't know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you ever choked out anyone before?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I've choked out tons of people.

[Scott Aukerman]

And it's worked.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I've never followed up.

[Scott Aukerman]

So what else has been going on, Kate?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Well, let's see. I got accused of robbing a bank.

[Scott Aukerman]

Accused of it.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Did you write.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you rob the bank?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

What happened? Who accused you of this?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

The police that are looking for me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I happened to be in a bank when it was being robbed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And these are dirty cops or.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Well, I don't know. My dirty cop. Dar's bad.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Because I thought Kehoe was good.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, he turned out to be the Iceman.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

He turned out to be the Iceman ye been chasing the whole time we were together, my whole career.

[Scott Aukerman]

You seem like a bad policeman.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I'm not. I'm a great inspector.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or a bad. Like, bad inspector should be a. You know, your story. Not bad, Lieutenant.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah, bad inspector. Port of Call, New Orleans.

[Scott Aukerman]

Port of Call, San Francisco.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Yeah, sure. That's what you want the reboot to be called.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

So why did they blame you for the robbery if you were just there hanging out at the bank while the robbery was going on?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Because they're like, oh, we're looking for that guy already. He shows up on the cameras at this bank. He's got to be the bank.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

And they're looking for you. For the family annihilation.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

That's right.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Okay.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Which you did do that. You did do that.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Yes, I did.

[Wyatt Malibu]

So they would be. They would be allowed to arrest you for that, right? That would not be wrong.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Not by me. I don't allow it.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Right, sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you don't want to go to jail for the pistol whip.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

No, jail's terrible. Do you know what would happen to an inspector like me in jail?

[Wyatt Malibu]

You didn't rob a bank, so that would be unjust for you to be arrested for that. But you did pistol whip a lot of individuals at a family reunion to death.

[Scott Aukerman]

They died.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Some of them did. Some of them were real old. Now I'll say. Maybe my anger at being abandoned by this family somehow channeled through my pistol whipping hand.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I see.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

And I was taking out some emotions on them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Were you abandoned? We. Did we ever talk about that or.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

That's right. At a grocery store.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's right. Yeah. They left you at a grocery store, and then you grew up to be.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Who.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who adopted you? The Cates family, I guess.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, and where are they these days?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

They dead in San Francisco.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dead in San. But in San Francisco.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

How did they die?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Boating accident. Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

A boat hit them or they were on a boat.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Boat hit them. They were walking along the pier.

[Scott Aukerman]

And he just jumped the pier.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

In like, some sort of, like, fall guy type boating stunt? Spectacular TV show or the movie. I'm thinking of the movie. There was a big.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

No, it was more like the TV show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, it was the fall guy. The TV show.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

That's right.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Boat jumped out. It was a ski boat.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Wait, how is a boat jumping out of the water more like a TV show, not like the movie?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

You Must not have seen them.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I've seen both of them.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Well, then you should know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Terrible. Did you ever bring the boater to justice?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Oh, my God, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why? Why?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Feels like it'd be high on your list of priorities.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I was 8 years old.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is like your origin story. This is like your Bruce Wayne type thing where, like, you, you saw someone murder your parents and then, you know, this is why you got involved in, in law enforcement.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Dude, they got no idea.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I don't think that's why he's Batman. Why do you think he's Batman? I think he's got a lot of money.

[Scott Aukerman]

He does it for fun.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

He does it for. For fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, this is his main movie.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Blames it on the death of his parents. Oh, I think he would have done that anyway.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

He would have found another reason.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

He would have been Batman. Either way.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Would have found another reason.

[Scott Aukerman]

She just likes bats.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Punching people.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you think you would have become a police inspector regardless of if whatever happened to your parents?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Well, I was raised in a police orphanage after that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

What is a police orphanage?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

That's where kids who are orphaned by police matters aren't.

[Scott Aukerman]

All kids orphaned by police matters matters?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I don't think so. Is cancer a police order?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, I think they get involved. Maybe not. They have, they have enough to do.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Yeah, there's enough people being orphaned by police involvement that they have a institution set up.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I do not doubt that.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

There were only like, 10 of us.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Okay, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Do you still keep in touch with all of your orphan brothers and sisters?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

A couple of them, yes. But now. Now, now, now anymore.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was Kehoe one of your.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

That's right. That's where we met.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kehoe was in the orphanage.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

That's right. And most of the, like, let's see, there were 10 of us. I became a police inspector.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Kehoe became a police something.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Right.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

He was a police inspector and an iceman.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

And the iceman, the head of a criminal enterprise.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right, right.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Come to think of it, a lot of them became heads of criminal enterprises.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And you're the only one who, I guess, grew up on the right side of the law until you murdered all those old people.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Not all of them are old.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, so you murdered young people as well?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I, I, I dealt that out without qualification.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, you know, I, I just think that this is getting too complicated. Like, now you're a murderer. Can I really have you back on the show? You know what I mean? We just need to wipe out all of this stuff and come Here, lean over. Lean.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

A manslaughter.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Lean over towards me. A little closer. Lean over.

[Scott Aukerman]

Don't put the. Don't. Don't do the reboot with him.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I don't have one of those.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I'm sure you do.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

You know, do it to yourself first, and then let's see.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let's see you.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

But then he'll forget to do it. Then he won't know how to do it. If he resets himself, he's not going to be able to do it to you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, that's a good point.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

That's a good point. But I would have watched him do it. I can do it to myself if I so choose.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Okay, I'll do it to myself. Hang on. I'm going to find. I got to find the little thing. Okay, wait. There it is. Okay, hold on.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Okay.

[Wyatt Malibu]

All right. When I reboot, you got to tell me who I am and stuff. And you have to, like, re. Educate me.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right?

[Wyatt Malibu]

Vow to me, on your honor, I.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have your name right here. Wyatt Malibu.

[Wyatt Malibu]

You're going to tell me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Charity organizer.

[Wyatt Malibu]

All right. And you promised to me on your code. As a talk show host.

[Scott Aukerman]

As a talk show host, I.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Of course we would. You have 5 million of our dollars.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Here we go. Oh, my God.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

That seems painful.

[Scott Aukerman]

I actually don't know whether he's rebooting or he's.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Giving himself a lobotomy.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

He threw up so much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, geez.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

He might just be dead now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, eyes are. Oh, wait, his eyes are fluttering. He seems to be waking up.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Hi.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Choose language.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, which language?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I would love to choose Chinese and see what happens.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think that we want to do that.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Available. English. Yeah, let's choose English. Chosen.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Choose region.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess. Do we need to get down.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Specific to lo spiel is based on your location.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Current location.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Turn on your GPS based on current location.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's getting very impatient.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I didn't know there was a whole system we had to go through.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Do we have to, like, accept all the terms of service?

[Wyatt Malibu]

Do you wish to copy a previous entity or start fresh?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

This guy's just a robot.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Do I.

[Scott Aukerman]

We want to.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Wait. I got previous.

[Scott Aukerman]

Previous.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Oh. Do we have access to all previous entities?

[Scott Aukerman]

Who list previous entities, please.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Scott Aerman.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

What?

[Wyatt Malibu]

Camil. Adjacent entities are. Scott Aerman. Kamal Nanjiani.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's doing the read.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Inspector Jack Kates.

[Scott Aukerman]

Right? Yeah.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Or start fresh.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Should we do Jack Kates and maybe he can help?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Jack Kates.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jack Kate.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Importing Jack Kates.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

And you need to turn Yourself myself in? I'm going to. Why wouldn't I?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, if I did something wrong, I.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Would turn myself in. That's what I do. Was an inspector.

[Scott Aukerman]

Inspector case. Inspector case. What the. The law is looking for you. You need to go back to San Francisco.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Do you know why they're looking for you? No.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Wait a minute. Yes, I do.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

You pistol whipped.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I pistol whipped a bunch of. Well, it wasn't my fault. I was angry, but I did. I pissed a bunch of people indiscriminately at a family re reunion to get information about Albert Gans. That's right. He's got my gun.

[Wyatt Malibu]

He does.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Oh, no. You got to get it back. I go right. I know I do.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think it's more important you turn yourself in than getting your gun back.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I have to.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

All right. There. Gans is there. He's looking for you. In San Francisco. That's right. Well, why would I go there? Cuz you gotta get Gans.

[Scott Aukerman]

Turn yourself into Kehoe.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

What?

[Wyatt Malibu]

Keho.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

My friend turned iceman. He betrayed me. I can't trust him, Tim. All right, but I'll go to San Francisco.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you didn't do the. The bank robbery. Just remember that.

[Wyatt Malibu]

I know.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I was there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I was just trying to. I was just trying to see if I could get a mortgage.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Hey, other gates. Do you want to reboot yourself into him?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

No, I'm not a robot. I know what this guy is from. I'm not a robot either. You're some sort of synazoid. No, I'm not a check case. I gotta go. I gotta get my gun back from Melbourne.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can well stay here for just a second?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

Because we. We have to.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

We.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're running out of time. But we only have time, really, for one final feature on the show. And that is, of course, a little something called Plugs.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Beginnings.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

End and now the end's begun so take a breath, live your love Open up your heart it's time for love.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, that was nice. That was. Love is the Plug by Queef Wellington. Thanks so much to Queef. If you have a Plugs theme, head over to cbbworld.com plugs and you can find everything you need to upload your songs. And you have all the stems for. Although we're not taking any more remixes of this year, in a few weeks or in about a month, Ben Schwartz will be here and we'll do a new song. But head over there and you can upload all of your plug themes. All right, what do we Plug in. Kumail. Of course. Night thoughts.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Night thoughts. December 19th, Hulu Ella McKay in theaters and Fallout season two on Amazon Prime.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right. Boy, a lot going on. And Jack Cates, this one over here. What do you. What do you want to plug?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I just in general want to plug in. Plug networks and studios buying things again.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, that'd be fun.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Why do you care? I'm invested. I like entertainment.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. You don't even have Apple tv.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

That's true. Are they buying stuff?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I mean, they're making stuff.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I like to sell my life story. Oh, okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think I feel like it would make a good movie. At least the first time you were on. That would be a good movie.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Movie. I think all of it's good. Get it all into one movie.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a little complicated now, I gotta say.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I don't know. I think you can do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. And flashbacks.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I love flashbacks. I know they're fun.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. And then this Jack case. What do you want?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

You sound weary. You sound weary of this.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Wow. You really are ready for this to be over. You're very good at picking up reading sign. Yeah, my whole life to read people's.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Okay, I can see your fed up.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

What were you asking?

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you want to plug?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I want to plug a podcast. Screw it. We're just going to talk about the Beatles by a guy named Will Hines and some folks. Old, middle aged men talking about the Beatles.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

You got to love it finally.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

If you're into it, you probably already know about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do I want to plug? I want to plug. I think there's new stuff in the store. The comedy Bang Bang store. Oh, yeah. We have orange ornaments. Comedy bang bang ornaments with ho ho and Santa in the. In the motormouth. That's [e-mail]. comedy Bang Bang. And also a lot of stuff going on over at CBB World. So we have so many great shows over there. Scott hasn't seen where we watch movies that I haven't seen before and CBB presents. I think we got a lot of. A lot of good stuff in December coming up. So head over there. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Please don't close it and be rude.

[Announcer]

You gotta.

[Scott Aukerman]

Brow.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

That is a good song.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a really good song. That's a pretty good song.

[Wyatt Malibu]

That's a real good song.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

That's a good song.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Oh, that's a good song.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

That's a good song.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a good song.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

It's great.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, that was. That's a good song by Retro Power Pessimist. Thanks to Retro Pessimist. And, guys, I want to thank you so much. Camille, always a pleasure.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Thank you for having me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Love having you on the show and looking forward to seeing your hour of standup and hearing about whatever, you know, all of your life. Presume you talk about your life, or are you talking about other people?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I'm talking about my own life. I talk about no other people.

[Scott Aukerman]

No one else comes up.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Nobody else comes up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

It's me, Me, me, me, me, baby. Love it.

[Scott Aukerman]

And Jack Cates, number one. Always great to see you. Hopefully we'll get something in your continuity straightened out at some point for a while.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

You now you can call me Wyatt Malibu.

[Scott Aukerman]

I do. Did you reboot yourself?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

No. Wink.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you're just switching places. Okay. Oh, swapping identity. More confused. Oh, don't worry about what he's doing.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

All right.

[Scott Aukerman]

But, Jack, Kate's over here.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Oh, great.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yeah.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Pleasure to be here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wonderful to have you on. You're going to turn yourself? Myself in?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Yes.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I'm gonna go to San Francisco and turn myself in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

And that'll. That'll show them.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you'll spend multiple decades in jail.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I would, I suppose. If that's the right thing to do.

[Scott Aukerman]

That is the right thing to do.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Then I will.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great. And what about racism? Dude, Is. Is that. Wait, does that not. Wait.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

We spent 5 million bucks. What happened to our 5 million? That. Well, if we. If this guy can be Wyatt.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mal, do you think you can fix racism for us?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

I lost it on a basketball game.

[Scott Aukerman]

You spent our 5 million.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

We lost it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which basketball game?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Whichever one's happening right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, man.

[Wyatt Malibu]

How?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

If it's happening right now, how do you know you've already lost it?

[Inspector Jack Cates]

Because I bet on the halftime score.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why?

[Kumail Nanjiani]

Easy come, easy go.

[Scott Aukerman]

I guess so. All right, we'll see you next time.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Thanks. But.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

What? Scotty Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Rudy North. That's right. I've got a new mission, Scott.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I need your help. There's a crisis.

[Wyatt Malibu]

A crisis on Infinite Bang Bangs. To be continued on crisis on Infinite Bang bangs [e-mail].

[Inspector Jack Cates]

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[Announcer]

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[Inspector Jack Cates]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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[Inspector Jack Cates]

Earn more cash when you do more with Stash. Venmo Stash terms exclusions apply. Match $100 cash back per month. See Terms of Venmo Me Stash Terms.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Hi, I'm Jenny Slate and believe it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or not, someone is allowing us to have a podcast.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

I'm Gabe Liedman.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm Max Silvestri and we've been friends for 20 years and we like to reach out to kind of get advice on how to live our lives.

[Kumail Nanjiani]

It's called I need you guys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Should I give my baby fresh vegetables? Can I drink the water at the hospital? My landlord plays the trombone and I can't ask him to stop.

[Wyatt Malibu]

You should make sure that you subscribe.

[Inspector Jack Cates]

So that you never miss an episode.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you know that parents rank financial literacy as the number one most difficult.

[Wyatt Malibu]

Life skill to teach?

[Scott Aukerman]

Meet Greenlight, the debit card and money app for families. With Greenlight, you can set up chores, automate allowance and keep an eye on your kids spending with real time notifications. Kids learn to earn, save and spend wisely. And parents can rest easy knowing their kids are learning about money with guardrails in place. Sign up for Greenlight [e-mail] podcast.