Bonus Bang: Be My Guest, Literally! (Michael Ableson, Paul F. Tompkins, Andy Daly, Lauren Lapkus)

Summary

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Comedy Bang Bang: "Bonus Bang: Be My Guest, Literally!"

Podcast Summary & Detailed Breakdown

Podcast: Comedy Bang Bang
Host: Scott Aukerman
Guests/Characters: Michael Abelson, Paul F. Tompkins (as Werner Herzog/Santa Claus), Andy Daly (as Jean Claude Pepit), Lauren Lapkus (as Ho Ho the Elf)
Date: Originally aired March 9, 2015; re-released December 4, 2025

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Overview

This “Bonus Bang” episode—part of the “Yo Yo, It’s Santa and Ho Ho” series—features a one-of-a-kind guest: Michael Abelson, the only fan ever to appear via an Indiegogo donation to Kulap Vilaysack’s “Origin Story” documentary. Abelson handpicked a cast of CBB favorites for a Goldberg-ian holiday mashup, joining in-studio legends Paul F. Tompkins (as Werner Herzog and Santa Claus), Andy Daly (as French actor Jean Claude Pepit), and Lauren Lapkus (as the infamous, genderless Ho Ho the Elf).

What follows is a surreal, densely packed, and riotously silly conversation involving satire, games, mockery of guest bios, faux European cinema, deeply warped Christmas mythos, and a series of unruly improv set pieces. Buckle up—CBB at its most unfiltered.

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Key Discussion Points & Episode Flow

1. Intro & Set-up (03:46–06:00)

• Scott Aukerman lays out the episode premise: Michael Abelson “paid for” his spot, picked his favorite CBB “murderers’ row” of guests.
• Immediate banter between Scott and Werner Herzog (Paul F. Tompkins) on internet anonymity kicks off the show’s antic, rapid-fire tone.

Notable Quote:

“I play for keeps. Sometimes for crepes, occasionally for canapes, but mostly for keeps.” — Scott Aukerman (03:46)

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2. Werner Herzog’s Imaginary Comedy Career (06:00–13:19)

• "Werner" describes his new (fake) Comedy Central show: Kroll Show, Still.
• Werner unveils his “celebrity impressions”—from Jimmy Cagney to Honey Boo Boo to a genderless being from the future (with computer noises).

Notable Sequence:

“Bleep, bloop, blarp, bloop.” — Werner Herzog, as “the celebrity from the future” (11:30)

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3. Michael Abelson as Actual Guest (15:11–24:59)

• Michael Abelson is introduced: actual English-born, Harvard-educated New York corporate litigator, now in the Comedy Bang Bang circle of trust.
• Explains his Indiegogo donation; insists he’s “not good with money.”
• Scott and Werner needle him about the morality of defending “faceless conglomerates,” and Abelson ironically claims, “I provide a voice to the voiceless.”
• Abelson reminisces about family U.S. road trips, lists states, continues being a very good sport.

Memorable Exchanges:

“Any white guy you meet may be a birthday boy.” — Scott Aukerman (16:33)

“Oh, I provide a voice to the voiceless. I don't see anyone else stepping up to defend the investment banks.” — Michael Abelson (21:09)

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4. Arrival of Ho Ho the Elf (28:25–35:45)

• Enter Ho Ho the Elf (Lapkus) in high, chaotic fashion.
• Digs deep into the Naughty List mythology: Ho Ho gifts bad kids “knives, shivs, and guns”—coal was too soft.
• Bizarre tangents about stoning with coal and demonic Christmas origins.

Notable Dialogue:

“Bad little boys and bad little girls get knives and shivs and guns… and machetes, but those are still considered gifts.” — Ho Ho the Elf (30:06)

“Maybe what the mom ate. I haven't figured it out yet.” — Ho Ho, theorizing on what determines “bad” at birth (33:32)

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5. Santa Claus Joins the Fray (36:02–40:07)

• Santa Claus (Paul F. Tompkins) enters via “Skype.” Banters with Ho Ho, takes shots at Scott’s interviewing skills, expresses mixed feelings about Mrs. Claus’ attractiveness, is asked if Michael can ever get off the Naughty List (spoiler: nope).
• Santa and Ho Ho riff on failed Indiegogo documentaries, personal histories, and Christmas origin stories.

Notable Quotes:

“Oh, that filthy show.” — Santa, on Comedy Bang Bang (36:28)

“One time I got stuck between her tits.” — Ho Ho, about Mrs. Claus (37:26)

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6. Return to Michael Abelson’s Backstory & “Elf Rules” (40:07–46:27)

• Banter explores Michael’s “naughty” credentials, suggestions of a wild, empty lifestyle as a wealthy corporate lawyer.
• Ho Ho details the “bad since birth” theory, with Werner Herzog drawing theological links: “So when people pop out of the close-ups of the woman’s vagina with all the disgusting blood and everything… then the child is just naturally bad and will never change?” (33:15)

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7. Sophisticated European Cinema—Meet Jean Claude Pepit (51:58–59:06)

• Jean Claude Pepit (Daly) enters: a fictional, self-aggrandizing megastar of “all the times” in French cinema.
• Droll conversation about celebrity, lineage, and Jean Claude’s big new project: a film entitled “Geico,” in which he plays a French waiter serving escargot to someone’s pet snail.

Notable Exchange:

“In France, I am the greatest film star of all of the times.” — Jean Claude Pepit (52:14)

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8. A Play Within the Show: Nosferatu Auditions (61:11–68:23)

• Werner and Jean Claude reenact their audition for Herzog's Nosferatu, complete with poor script formatting, confusing character names, and a popcorn delivery subplot.
• Ho Ho and Michael take supporting roles, with constant meta-commentary and farcical breakdowns.

Highlight:

“Smash Cut 2… That’s a weird choice.” — Scott reading stage directions (64:20)

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9. “The Tears of the Moon”—Another Improv Movie Pitch (69:00–74:15)

• Jean Claude describes his second big film: as a pilot who tries to cheer up the moon, whose tears create the Earth’s oceans.
• Werner Herzog delivers an emotional performance as the moon.
• The conversation mutates into musings about periods, tides, and emotional distance.

Memorable Moment:

“I cry because the Earth… people look up at me and they become so sad because they pine for lost lovers… or they think I’m some big blob of cheese.” — Werner Herzog as the moon (72:09)

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10. Ancestry & Santa Returns (75:15–79:22)

• Ho Ho and Michael joke about being genetically related (“I’m three inches high”—Michael), which leads to a call to Santa Claus for genealogical clarification.
• Santa, roped in, continues sarcastic rapport with the gang, especially Jean Claude Pepit.

Notable:

“There's only one alternate universe where there is no such thing as Santa Claus.” — Santa Claus (101:16)

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11. Game Segments & Improvised Mayhem

Name French Actors Game (82:50–87:12)

• The group plays a nonsense “Name French Actors” game, resulting in a farcical mix of real, fictional, and wordplay answers (“French kissing,” “French Stewart,” “Wee Man”).

Would You Rather (87:46–110:28)

• Would you rather: “Be the best surgeon ever but bees rule the world?” or “Live in the biggest treehouse as an immortal but never leave?”
• The cast hilariously derails the segment with dozens of questions about bee monarchies, queen bees wearing wigs, and Santa’s roommate situation.
• Game winner: Michael Abelson (“It pays to be honest.” — Werner Herzog, 107:45)

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12. Climactic “Santa Fight” & Wrap-Up (111:12–126:10)

• Spirals into a fake brawl: Santa physically assaults Scott after a challenge, with Abelson offering legal counsel as Santa smacks him with dollar bills and ho ho piles on.
• Werner calmly narrates: “I am recording all of this.” (113:43)
• Resolution: Scott apologizes; Werner claims “litigation” as justification for not helping.

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13. Plugs Segment (115:05–124:39)

• Jean Claude plugs “Nothing is Good” (drama), “The Person’s Nose” (comedy), and “Geico” (meta insurance movie).
• Ho Ho plugs Lapkus’s actual podcast “With Special Guest Lauren Lapkus” and Lauren’s Twitter.
• Werner plugs the concept of cement and Paul F. Tompkins’ real/fake shows.
• Michael Abelson gives a heartfelt shout-out to Earwolf engineers (“If you feel wronged, sue someone!” 124:21).

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Additional Notable Quotes & Moments

• “French Stewart—in everything French Saunders.” — Michael Abelson (85:43)
• “You can kind of see your nose through your nose.” — Scott Aukerman (116:14)
• “The coal stoning… about someone who is stoned to death with coal.” — Jean Claude Pepit (117:43)
• “I've never established that you can't talk during the end theme. Come on.” — Scott Aukerman (110:41)

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Tone & Style

Relentlessly fast-paced, absurd, digressive, and meta. The group constantly breaks the fourth wall, undercuts their own bits, and blends character improv with direct lampooning of entertainment and cultural tropes. Every participant leans into extreme character quirks (Werner’s existential gloom, Ho Ho’s gleeful depravity, Jean Claude’s pompousness), while the “straight man” Michael Abelson keeps up gamely—often himself the butt of the joke.

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Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• Werner’s Future Celebrity Impression (“Bleep, bloop, blarp, bloop”) — 11:30
• Ho Ho’s Christmas gift for bad kids: “Knives, shivs and guns” — 30:06
• Mrs. Claus/Mrs. Claus's “private areas”: — 37:26
• Jean Claude auditions for Nosferatu, together with Werner, live on air — 63:12–68:23
• Would You Rather—cast derails game with questions about bee monarchies, Santa’s rent, and peanut butter — 94:02–106:10
• Santa and Scott’s fake fight: “I’ll kick your fucking ass with it.” “Make sure you got your nightcap on…” — 111:41–113:12
• Michael Abelson’s winning plug: “Just continue suing each other.” — 124:16

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Episode Structure

• [03:46–15:11] — Opening, Scott and Werner/Paul, intro to Michael Abelson
• [15:11–28:25] — Michael’s bio, corporate litigator and Indiegogo details, American roadtrip stories
• [28:25–36:00] — Ho Ho arrival, Christmas mythology, Santa called in
• [36:00–51:58] — Naughty list theology, Michael's Americanization, Harvard banter
• [51:58–61:11] — Jean Claude Pepit arrives, French acting, “Geico” movie
• [61:11–74:15] — Nosferatu audition, “Tears of the Moon” film outline
• [75:15–87:12] — Ancestry gags, “Name French Actors”
• [87:12–110:28] — “Would You Rather”, more Santa/Ho Ho mayhem
• [110:28–115:05] — Santa fight, aftermath
• [115:05–124:39] — Plugs, closing thanks
• [124:39–end] — Credits, Christmas outtro

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For First-Time Listeners

This episode straddles classic Comedy Bang Bang chaos: part improv jam session, part meta-satire of showbiz conventions, part festival of holiday weirdness. The fan guest, Michael Abelson, gets the full “CBB” treatment—good-natured ribbing one moment, swept along in farcical world-building the next. If you love Paul F. Tompkins’ sprawling voices, Lauren Lapkus’s anarchic energy, and Andy Daly’s deadpan absurdism, it’s a treat.

It’s not for the continuity-literal or the serious-minded—jokes snowball, characters contradict, and reality is a springboard for the absurd. But even if you’ve never heard the show before, this is crowd-pleasing, high-velocity holiday comedy at its spunkiest and strangest.

SUMMARY:
A fan makes his CBB debut and immediately regrets it—after two hours of existential riffs, genderless elves, lethal Christmas presents, bee despots, and Santa himself cursing out the host.

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End of Summary

Transcript

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[Jean Claude Pepit]

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[Scott Aukerman]

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Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here and welcome to another bonus bang where we re release great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang from Behind the Paywall. And wow. Since Thanksgiving is now in the rear view, that means the full force of the holiday season is now upon us. And since we're here in the holidays, we are bringing you the ghosts of CBB Christmas Past with the series we're calling Yo Yo, It's Santa and Ho Ho. Featuring Santa Claus, of course, and Ho Ho the Elf, this series will highlight episodes featuring Lauren Lapkis as Ho Ho and Paul F. Tompkins as Santa. Oh boy. Just. Just in time for the holidays. A little bit before, but just in time for it. You have to agree. Now, this episode, the first in the series you're about to hear, is titled Be My Guest. Literally. It was originally released on March 9, 2015. And this is a really special episode because we have a guest on the show that you have probably never heard of before and you've never heard from him since. No, I. I have no idea. I've never heard from him since. But his name is Michael Abelson. He is a gentleman who donated to my wife coolops documentary in exchange for an appearance on the show. Now, he got to pick the guests that he wanted to be on the show and he picked a murderer's row. Although I don't believe any of them have ever murdered anyone. Although if it comes out later that they've murdered people, I would also not be surprised. So who knows? But who do we have. It's co hosted by Werner Herzog, played by Paul F. Tompkins. We have Andy Daly as Jean Claude Pepe, Lauren Lapis as Hoho the elf, and of course, no holiday special would be complete without Santa, played by Paul F. Tompkins. Now, if you enjoy this episode and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang as well as CBB Presents, become a [e-mail] we have all the past episodes from the archives. Every live show ad free new episodes and original shows like CBB Presents. Scott hasn't seen the Neighborhood. Listen, Collegetown, so much going on over there, you're gonna want to become a subscriber. We're gonna be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. But until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

I play for keeps. Sometimes for crepes, occasionally for canapes, but mostly for keeps. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Yes, welcome to another episode of the show. Thank you so much, robm, for that catchphrase.

[Werner Herzog]

So mysterious.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello.

[Werner Herzog]

Who could he be?

[Scott Aukerman]

Who could you be?

[Werner Herzog]

Who is this fellow who has only an initial for a last name?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's interesting you think his last name is only his initial because on the Internet, why not put your entire name.

[Werner Herzog]

He is clearly hiding something from the general public.

[Scott Aukerman]

It could be his last name, though.

[Werner Herzog]

That is obviously what he's citing, but.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I'm confused because your initial premise was that he only has one letter for a last name. And then it seems as if you abandoned that halfway through.

[Werner Herzog]

I feel as if you are deliberately misunderstanding my intent for your own purposes. Much like this, Rob.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you think my purposes could be, Werner?

[Werner Herzog]

You like to make mischief and you like to stir the pot, as it were. And you like to make trouble for people.

[Scott Aukerman]

I like to obfuscate the actual truth in order to.

[Werner Herzog]

Yes, you're a liar.

[Scott Aukerman]

God damn you. I don't need to be treated like that here.

[Werner Herzog]

You're a fun liar.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, a fun liar. Well, that's okay.

[Werner Herzog]

It's different.

[Scott Aukerman]

And is that one word, a fun liar?

[Werner Herzog]

Yes, it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

F U N L Y E R.

[Werner Herzog]

It's also the name of a model of a car in Germany.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fantastic. Of course, speaking of Germany, we're talking to.

[Werner Herzog]

And we just were.

[Scott Aukerman]

We certainly were. There can be no disputing that. We were just speaking about Germany and I want to use that as an internal segue in order to introduce our co host here for today's podcast, Comedy Bang Bang. First of all, I do want to say welcome to Comedy Bang bang.

We're in March 2, up of March. Mar.

[Werner Herzog]

How would an Irish person say that?

[Scott Aukerman]

March?

[Werner Herzog]

I don't know. It's a very specific pronunciation.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mark. Nope. I'm doing Popeye.

[Werner Herzog]

I'm not asking how Popeye would pronounce it. How is it. How is it that there was no Max Fleischer cartoon wherein Popeye goes through the calendar and names all the months?

[Scott Aukerman]

That would have been very nice because that would help you out with some sort of ringtone, I imagine. If you like to have someone call you in here every month.

[Santa Claus]

Ready?

[Werner Herzog]

Yes. Why didn't they foresee the makers of those black and white cartoons? Why did they not foresee the dawn of cellular technology?

[Scott Aukerman]

Ringtones, ring backs, Boring. In my mind, it's quite a burn. By the way, my name is Scott Aukerman, and welcome to the show.

I wouldn't even say it's hump week of March yet we're on the cusp of hump week.

[Werner Herzog]

Is hump week a concept now?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Werner, you haven't been on the show for a while, but I believe with Nick Kroll and I talked about hump is the middle week of the month, and it's the week where it's like, oh, boy, we're finally almost through the month and we're about to pay the rent.

[Werner Herzog]

Did you know that I'm taking the crochet time slot?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really? Yes. Werner Herzog is due to the success.

[Werner Herzog]

Of my comedic appearance on the film on the television program Parks and Recreation.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a sort of a film. They film it.

[Werner Herzog]

They film it on film.

I am having my own half hour sketch comedy program on Comedy Central.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where you do characters?

[Werner Herzog]

Yes, I do several characters.

[Scott Aukerman]

What kind of characters would a Werner Herzog do? Famed director. Director and sometime actor of the Jack Reacher franchise.

[Werner Herzog]

I do. I'm assuming the franchise that is yet to be.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, well, just takes one more.

[Werner Herzog]

I do funny impressions of celebrities.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Celebrities of the past, celebrities of the present, or celebrities of the future.

[Werner Herzog]

I do want celebrity from the future. It's not a popular character because no one has heard of him yet.

[Scott Aukerman]

But they will.

[Werner Herzog]

Or her.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, man. Wait, wouldn't you know from the impression?

[Werner Herzog]

No, it's very far in the future when the mankind has become genderless.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, very good. So what do they call gender in the future? And how do you know these things, by the way? Spoilers. Okay.

Do one of your celebrities from the past. Ooh, I'd love to hear one of them.

[Werner Herzog]

Certainly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, he's standing up, he's stretching.

[Werner Herzog]

To me, you are less Than human. You might as well be a vermin. Filthy vermin crawling on the ground.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I'm gonna stop you right here.

[Werner Herzog]

First of all, who did that sound like?

[Scott Aukerman]

It sounded like you. To be quite frank, it sounded exactly like you.

[Werner Herzog]

It's weird. You can't hear my own voice.

[Scott Aukerman]

I cannot say that you changed your.

[Werner Herzog]

Voice one whit, but surely the famous quote that I deployed would give you some indication.

[Scott Aukerman]

I am not quite sure about that quote either. I mean, you know, I'm not the most learned sou.

[Werner Herzog]

You are less than human. You are as filthy vermin crawling on the ground. Everyone knows this quote.

[Scott Aukerman]

This may be a popular quote with you, but I don't really know it.

[Werner Herzog]

Jimmy Cagney.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jimmy Cagney from Cagney and Lacey?

[Werner Herzog]

Yes, from Cagney and Lacey. It was Jimmy Cagney and Lacey Chabert.

[Scott Aukerman]

From Party of Five and from Mean Girls.

[Werner Herzog]

It was his last project and his first.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, wow. I would love to see that.

[Werner Herzog]

It was the story of a very, very old man and an incredible bab. An incredibly newborn baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, so newborn.

[Werner Herzog]

Having seen the hospital.

It was the first.

Human birth recorded on national television.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my goodness.

[Werner Herzog]

The show was canceled before it aired.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ah, too bad.

[Werner Herzog]

It was a different time when this was not considered proper to put on television. A close up of a woman's vagina as a baby is emerging from it these days with all the blood and fecal matter and all of the attendant disgusting human juices that.

Herald the arrival of another miserable soul on this stupid planet, which we call home.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, but, you know, a glimpse of stalking was once considered shocking, so. But these days, whatever happens, happens. Yeah. Bile and vaginas. You can as you're flipping through tv.

[Werner Herzog]

Bile. I don't know if bile was mentioned.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, sorry, what did you mention?

[Werner Herzog]

It's more of a mouth.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, that's true. And a stomach lining.

[Werner Herzog]

It starts in the guts and then it comes out the one way.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. It doesn't go out the other way, huh?

[Werner Herzog]

No, it doesn't go out any of the three ways.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're going out through the three ways.

[Werner Herzog]

Four if you count the eyes.

[Scott Aukerman]

I suppose that's true, Werner. So that was Jimmy Cagney. That's a fantastic impression. Thank you. Can I hear one of your impressions from the present?

[Werner Herzog]

Yes, of course.

[Scott Aukerman]

Celebrity of the present, this is Werner Herzog from his new show.

[Werner Herzog]

All is Despair. I did not ask to be born into this world or this life. Why? Why must I live? I am not in charge of my own destiny.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that a coldplay lyric. I'm having trouble placing it.

[Werner Herzog]

Do you watch television?

[Scott Aukerman]

I certainly do.

[Werner Herzog]

It was Honey Boo.

[Santa Claus]

Boo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Honey Boo.

[Werner Herzog]

One of her famous quotes. I see. I'm paraphrasing. Perhaps.

[Scott Aukerman]

Perhaps. But the look in her eyes is where you're getting that I'm an interpreter. Y. Well, again, the voice is not incredibly different.

[Werner Herzog]

You may want to hear the one from the future.

[Scott Aukerman]

Certainly.

[Werner Herzog]

Bleep, bloop, blarp, bloop.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ah. Okay. This is in the future when humans speak in computer noises. As in what bleeps and bloops? Ones and zeros that are.

[Werner Herzog]

It's different than the standard robotic computer noise because the computer noise does not have the L sound. The computer noise is mostly just the vowels. Beep, boop.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why doesn't the computer have the L sound yet? It seems like we can put a man on the moon.

[Werner Herzog]

Supposedly because the L stands for love, and computers will never understand it. That's true.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a good point. Well, Verner, good luck with your show. Thank you.

[Werner Herzog]

Good night.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no, stick around. Please, please. I would love for you to stay around during the entire show.

[Werner Herzog]

Very well.

[Scott Aukerman]

I didn't bring you on just to hype your upcoming sketch comedy show. How many episodes did you do?

[Werner Herzog]

40.

[Scott Aukerman]

40? Wow. That's quite a lot.

[Werner Herzog]

You shot them in a month.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seems like you didn't put a lot of work into this.

[Werner Herzog]

You don't know until you see it.

[Scott Aukerman]

And what's the title of the show?

[Werner Herzog]

Kroll Show. Still.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kroll show, comma. Still.

[Werner Herzog]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Well, you may.

[Werner Herzog]

We're hoping to get some of those residual Crow show viewers.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you may get some runoff pee from that.

[Werner Herzog]

But what does that mean?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. Well, fantastic. Werner, it's great to have you here.

[Werner Herzog]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can stick around the entire show.

[Werner Herzog]

I am able to. I am not willing, but I shall do so.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great. Well, we all have to do a lot of things that we don't want to do in this life. Vote. Sure. Yeah. No one likes doing that.

[Werner Herzog]

Everyone hates it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? Why do we even bother?

[Werner Herzog]

I think because we enjoy the feeling of futility, and then we can complain to our friends. That's like. You see a popular bumper sticker that says, don't blame me. I experienced the futility of voting for the other guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not sure that I've seen that one. Are you a music fan? Do you like Rage against the Machine?

[Werner Herzog]

I certainly like the idea.

Although if I had my druthers, I would change the name of the band to Rage Against Everything But Machines.

[Scott Aukerman]

I see. Because machines are the one things in which we can take solace.

[Werner Herzog]

Machines are created by man, and so we can predict what they are going to do. Indeed, we program them. But a bunch of trees? Forget it.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, forget it. And what about the singularity? Do you think it's coming?

[Werner Herzog]

Yes, in two months.

[Scott Aukerman]

Two months? That's too soon. I won't be ready.

[Werner Herzog]

I. Perhaps I shouldn't have spilled the beans on that one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, dear. How do you know so much about the future?

[Werner Herzog]

You never find out if you don't ask.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's okay. You know what? I'm not gonna ask. I guess I'm never gonna find out.

[Werner Herzog]

Going to find out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, well, we do have to get to our guest of honor.

[Santa Claus]

Why?

[Scott Aukerman]

Because he paid a lot of money to be here. What's that you say? Pay to play? Yes, it happened. Finally. People are paying to get on this show. I like. Too long have I had people come on here and I've just let them on here for free. No, people are finally paying me.

[Werner Herzog]

The poor business model.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

He is our guest of honor. And I'll explain what we're talking about in a second, but let me tell you just a little bit about him. Now, a lot of times when I introduce a guest, you can slowly start to figure out who this person is. You get one credit. Ooh, I have a little bit of an idea. Two credits. Closing in three credits. Done. This bio biography. Undoubtedly no one but the people very closest to him will have any idea who this person is. But I'm gonna go through it anyway. He was born and raised in Leeds, England. He is a.

College graduate who works as a corporate litigator in New York City.

[Werner Herzog]

New York City.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you star in an early version of those salsa commercials?

[Werner Herzog]

Yes, I did. I directed many of them.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you? Why?

[Werner Herzog]

Well, I'm a huge fan of spicy foods.

And.

To me it was a great exercise in capturing real rage, which a.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lot of your work is focused on. The Grizzly Man.

[Werner Herzog]

That's the only film of mine you're familiar with and you haven't seen it. It's not about someone who's so mad he acts like a grizzly bear.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. I was a.

[Werner Herzog]

Although I would think you would be able to piece it together with context clues by this point, what the film.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is about, I cannot. Although I would say superhero movies being as popular as they are. Grizzly man, that could have been a huge hit. It's just as dumb as Spider Man.

[Werner Herzog]

It certainly is. I would be happy to Put a cape on. A bear.

[Scott Aukerman]

A cape. A bear.

[Werner Herzog]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, let's get to our guest of honor. Of course. He's a corporate litigator from New York City.

Any ideas?

No, you don't.

[Michael Abelson]

I should add that I'm also one of the birthday boys.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I would believe it from your skin color and your sex.

[Michael Abelson]

I mean, it's like a 50, 50 chance.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep. Any white guy you meet may be a birthday boy.

He was born and raised in Leeds, England. Please welcome Michael Abelson. Hello, Michael.

[Michael Abelson]

It's a pleasure to be here, Scott. Thank you very much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Welcome to the show. Now, let's get this out of the way. Why are you here?

[Michael Abelson]

I'm not good with money, Scott. Not at all.

[Scott Aukerman]

Obviously, you're like some eccentric millionaire who has decided that this is what you want to spend your money on, is you want to be sitting in a room with Werner and I and what's the process.

Without me saying it?

[Santa Claus]

You say it.

[Scott Aukerman]

How did you get here?

[Werner Herzog]

Walk us through it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you for.

[Michael Abelson]

Well, your wife.

[Scott Aukerman]

Coolop.

[Michael Abelson]

Much like my who? Your wife. Okay, just because I'm a fan, you don't need to do all the hits, okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I'm perfectly comfortable doing them. It's been a while since I've said that.

[Werner Herzog]

What do you mean by the hits?

[Scott Aukerman]

I was hoping you would say it's been a while.

[Werner Herzog]

Why?

What a strange waste of hope.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, one must have it in this life.

[Michael Abelson]

Your former girlfriend, who you married.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you.

[Michael Abelson]

Is much like Dire Straits third album. Making movies now and. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

And much like Mark and David Knopfler, she was in Dire Straits when it came to how she would get this money.

[Michael Abelson]

That is actually my favorite joke you've ever told, which is why I did my little tribute to it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very good. I like it. Quid pro quo.

[Michael Abelson]

She is making the movie Origin Story, which seems like a fantastic.

[Scott Aukerman]

She was on this program not months ago talking about this, and she had a indiegogo campaign, which is a fun thing to say.

[Michael Abelson]

It is fun. Can I say it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Sure, go ahead. Be my guest. Uh huh. Indiegogo.

[Michael Abelson]

Indiegogo campaign.

[Scott Aukerman]

Indiegogo. Which for the.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Indeed, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

Indiegogo campaign, Indigo campaign for the listeners. Does not have anything to do with Harrison Ford or Steven Spielberg. It's not Indiana Jones, it's independent.

[Werner Herzog]

Does it take place? It doesn't take place in Indiana.

[Scott Aukerman]

It does not.

[Werner Herzog]

It doesn't take place in a Go Go bar.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, sir. No.

[Werner Herzog]

Where does the Go Go part of Indy.

[Scott Aukerman]

That is the part that I don't really know. I mean, maybe it's like, go, go do your thing. Maybe it's encouragement.

Okay. Got a little room tone. Okay. I needed that. Good. All right, we're gonna circulate that throughout the entire podcast. Fantastic. Okay, good. Moving on. Now, Michael.

You see this campaign. Are you a listener of CoolOps show who charted?

[Michael Abelson]

I am.

[Scott Aukerman]

So did you hear about it from that show? First, I would imagine I did hear.

[Michael Abelson]

About it from that show, and I believe she revealed on the show that one of the rewards or prizes available if you donated was an appearance on this show.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mm. And if I may ask, how much money did you contribute to the campaign in order to be here?

[Werner Herzog]

It seems like a crass question.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

It is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, it's there on the website. Anyone can see it.

[Michael Abelson]

It was actually. No. I selected anonymous donations.

[Scott Aukerman]

You did, But. Well, I mean. Okay, what was the minimum you could put in?

[Werner Herzog]

Now, this story can't be told.

[Michael Abelson]

It was $36,000.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. So you have paid $36,000 to be here. That's correct. That is not correct.

[Werner Herzog]

It couldn't be.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, it. Absolutely.

[Michael Abelson]

You are ruining the whole point of an anonymous donation, which is you can dramatically inflate it.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true. Okay, so you did pay, and you have that kind of money to burn for people listening out there.

[Michael Abelson]

Well, I was actually planning to burn it, but this seemed like a more noble cause.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fantastic.

[Werner Herzog]

Did you say that? Forgive me for bursting in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, come on, Ferner, please.

[Werner Herzog]

When I was listening to your cv, you are a corporate litigator.

[Michael Abelson]

That is correct. I'm surprised no one's mentioned it before now.

[Werner Herzog]

So you litigate on behalf of the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Corporations or against them?

[Michael Abelson]

Mainly investment banks. It's very soulful and wonderful, rewarding work, spiritually.

[Scott Aukerman]

So on behalf of these corporate banks, things like Wells Fargo or Bank of Americar.

[Michael Abelson]

Werner enjoyed that very much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you, Werner. It's always nice to meet a fan.

[Michael Abelson]

It suddenly occurs to me I probably shouldn't name specifics on whom I'm working and not working or.

[Werner Herzog]

Yeah, exactly. Well, let's just take it for granted that the people you represent are all just faceless conglomerates who live to crush the souls of tiny people.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's correct. And they have made their riches on the backs of poor people everywhere across this great country.

[Michael Abelson]

Well, not just poor people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Certainly. At the expense of some rich people, probably. Exactly.

[Werner Herzog]

And you are their defender.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep.

[Michael Abelson]

Oh, I provide a voice to the voiceless. I don't see anyone else stepping up to defend the investment banks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, we should, by the way, we should stress, you are not a person doing a character. You are from.

You are from Leeds, England. You were born there.

[Michael Abelson]

That is correct.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is not a funny voice that you're doing.

[Michael Abelson]

It is a funny voice, but it is also my voice.

[Scott Aukerman]

It is your voice. Can you speak in an American accent? If you tried.

[Michael Abelson]

No, I really can't.

[Scott Aukerman]

You can't try to do what I'm doing. Try to sound like me.

[Werner Herzog]

If you.

[Michael Abelson]

I could try and do an Irish accent. Would that help you out?

[Scott Aukerman]

I would love to hear one for a little research.

[Werner Herzog]

How would you pronounce the month of March? March.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, that's not it. Oh, March.

[Werner Herzog]

I don't know. I don't know that the little handle is helping you get into the accent.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I don't know. It's not helping. So you contributed a lot of money, and you're $36,000. $36,000. And just to be here. And you were allowed to ask. You were allowed to ask me to ask friends to drop by some of your favorite people. And Werner was one of them. And Werner is here. How does that make you feel?

[Werner Herzog]

Of course, it is wonderful to find out that the hero of the.

The hero.

[Scott Aukerman]

What? You're in tears? My goodness.

[Michael Abelson]

This is very.

[Werner Herzog]

I'm very emotional thinking about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've never seen you cry.

[Werner Herzog]

That the hero of these banks is also fan of mine.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's nice to know that a person out there doing their part.

[Werner Herzog]

Yes. We both deal in despair and showing the world how things are not fair.

[Scott Aukerman]

Now, you also. I say you're a college graduate because you went to a school just outside of Boston. That's correct. Okay, good. We know which one you're talking about. And you don't understand that, Werner.

[Werner Herzog]

I don't?

[Scott Aukerman]

No. You're from another country.

[Werner Herzog]

No. But of course I directed the movie, the sequel to Good Will Hunting, so I know, of course, you're talking about Harvard.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course, yes. But they don't like to say that. They're quite modest people.

[Werner Herzog]

Well, they're instructed to say that so as to not make other people feel terrible about themselves. Is this not true?

[Michael Abelson]

That's completely accurate. I'm very sorry for the jealousy and shame you're probably now feeling as a result.

[Scott Aukerman]

At what point in your chronology. Let's just say life, because that's easier. At what point in your life did you move from England to America? What's the story? What did you pack? Give me every detail.

[Michael Abelson]

It was after I graduated from university. I realized I was sick of not living in America because When I was a kid, my family used to come over to America every year, and we would do a road trip around four new states every year in the summer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Four new states. And did you get to the entire continental 48 within 12 years?

[Michael Abelson]

We did not. We fell a little bit short. We did around 30 total.

[Scott Aukerman]

And which ones did you skip? Which ones were not worth your time?

[Werner Herzog]

I'm trying to make him name 20 states.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, sir. The only.

[Michael Abelson]

I know that Idaho and Montana are not in there. I fall apart a little bit on the remainder. I apologize. You look so disappointed. I am sorry that I cannot sit here listing states in painfully slow monologue.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which ones did you go to?

Name 30 instead of the 20 you didn't go to.

[Michael Abelson]

Would it be acceptable for me to just move on to the next.

[Werner Herzog]

Name? Just the ones that excelled at the making of salsa.

[Michael Abelson]

New Mexico, they have new salsa.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's very good.

[Michael Abelson]

California also has very good salsa.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very close to Mexico. Yes.

[Michael Abelson]

Vermont. Surprisingly very underrated when it comes to their Tex Mex cuisine.

[Werner Herzog]

They do a syrup salsa mash up. That is not as disgusting as it sounds, but it's disgusting nonetheless.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fantastic.

[Michael Abelson]

It's an accurate description.

[Scott Aukerman]

And so at the age of 22, one would assume when you were done with university, does university mean high school or college?

[Michael Abelson]

In England, it means college, and it's 21.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's a year shorter than 21. Okay, great.

[Michael Abelson]

We're all stupider.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great. At the age of 21, you say, you know what? I gotta get back there. We gotta go back. You fell in love with the people. You fell in love with the geography, the climate, the salsa. So much to love here in America.

[Werner Herzog]

Did you employ the old Dodge? Oh, I left my sunglasses there. We have to go back to America. So, I mean, retrieve my sunglasses. Mm.

[Michael Abelson]

I actually went with the go west, young man. I'm a fan of the classics. Mm.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mm.

[Werner Herzog]

But you were talking to yourself.

[Michael Abelson]

I was. I looked in the mirror.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you come with.

[Werner Herzog]

Many people don't realize that quote was delivered to a mirror.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Did you come with anyone? Did you. Did anyone accompany you? Was anyone sitting next to you on the plane?

[Michael Abelson]

This sounds kind of like an ICE immigration interview. Like, are you bringing any dependents with you? No, I came alone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Came alone. And you didn't know anyone here?

[Michael Abelson]

I did not know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow.

[Werner Herzog]

Did you touch any livestock before entering the country?

[Michael Abelson]

I do have a pet cow back home, and I, like, ruffled its head.

[Werner Herzog]

And said, it's like an. Into the woods.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Michael Abelson]

I haven't seen that movie. I'VE been told it's not worth it. Is that accurate?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, it's the story of your life.

[Werner Herzog]

Apparently, if you grew up with a pet cow, you'll want to see it. Thank me.

[Scott Aukerman]

A lot of emotional resonance and, you.

[Michael Abelson]

Know, movies, so advice taken.

[Werner Herzog]

I know five movies.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did you almost direct into the Woods?

[Werner Herzog]

Yes, I did.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

[Santa Claus]

Oh, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would love to see how I.

[Werner Herzog]

Had a different vision for the film.

[Scott Aukerman]

I can bet. What was your vision?

[Werner Herzog]

Well, it was only 10 minutes long.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Werner Herzog]

They get into the woods and then that is it. And they're just swallowed up, set upon by nature, and destroyed instantly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wolves.

[Werner Herzog]

Wolves? Real ones? Not Tex Avery wolves?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, not Johnny Depp spending about two hours on set. Wolves.

[Werner Herzog]

What a wonderful use of his time.

[Scott Aukerman]

I have to think that he spent more time on the photo shoot for the poster than he did actually filming that role.

[Werner Herzog]

I think they did them at the same time. Quick, start shooting.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I get two frames of you.

[Werner Herzog]

Use your phone, Whatever you have to do.

[Scott Aukerman]

So you came out here at 21, and did you move to New York City straight away or did you. I did not.

[Michael Abelson]

I moved just outside of Boston.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Oh, so. But then you went to Harvard Law, so you. That's correct. And that was for your lottery.

[Michael Abelson]

That's correct.

[Werner Herzog]

Which.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, fantastic.

[Michael Abelson]

You do need a law degree to be a lawyer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I like it. Did you pass the bar? I did.

[Michael Abelson]

So I know a little bit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Werner Herzog]

How does Cambridge, Massachusetts, compare to Cambridge, England?

[Michael Abelson]

They are very similar. It was actually went to both of them. So it was easy to get my mail forwarded if I did that transition.

[Werner Herzog]

And.

[Michael Abelson]

Yeah, pretty much the same.

[Scott Aukerman]

It would also be very easy to get your mail mixed up.

[Werner Herzog]

Hold on one moment.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Werner Herzog]

So you're saying by just the presence of the word Cambridge and your name being affixed to the top, it found its way, much like a child writing a letter to Santa Claus, just addressing it to North Pole. It finds him no matter where he is.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

That's not really how it works, actually.

[Santa Claus]

Whoa.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

That's not really how that works.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who is it? Wait a minute.

[Werner Herzog]

Who is this strange creature?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't see anyone at the table, so I'm here, man.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Look down. Hello.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't think there's any reason to look down.

[Werner Herzog]

Oh, there is. Next to me. I can see.

[Scott Aukerman]

I like looking down.

[Werner Herzog]

A tiny, sprightly creature.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my goodness. Wait, I am looking down now. It's ho ho. Yeah.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I got my legs wrapped around the microphone. Ho ho.

[Scott Aukerman]

The naughty elf.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I'm naughty.

[Scott Aukerman]

Did. Did you just appear because you heard the mention of the North Pole and Santa Claus? Or have you been here the entire show?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Well, I was buying show show. But when I was listening to your conversation, I heard you improperly tell about how the male to Santa.

[Werner Herzog]

Forgive me, strange, supernatural creature. I meant no disrespect.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me introduce you.

[Werner Herzog]

I'm terrified of this thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I can imagine. It's a genderless.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I'm from the future.

[Werner Herzog]

When your tongue came out, I couldn't help but notice it was as long as your entire body.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

It is two wishes and a dream.

[Scott Aukerman]

My goodness. Werner, let me introduce you. This is Hoho, the naughty elf. Santa. You see, Come Help does not give gifts to naughty little boys and girls. But Ho ho, the elf found that there was a need from these children.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

They wanted crack cocaine in their stockings.

[Scott Aukerman]

These bad little boys and girls needed presents. Because what is Christmas without presents? So she will give or he.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Whatever, Whatever. You'll never get it right.

[Werner Herzog]

I'm a bit confused on the concept because I don't understand. What is the point of giving the good little girls and boys toys? To reward their behavior.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, everyone deserves Christmas.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah, bad little boys and bad little girls get knives and shivs and guns.

[Werner Herzog]

And machetes, but those are still considered gifts.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah, they can use them to kill each other and their family.

[Scott Aukerman]

Boy, that was a lot of throwing up there.

[Werner Herzog]

That seems a strange thing for Santa to condone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Santa actually hired you? We talked about that last time you were on the show.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

He's got a lot on his plate. I had to take over the bad kids.

[Werner Herzog]

What was the system in place previous to your hiring?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

They got nothing. Just coal.

[Scott Aukerman]

But they did get coal. So they did get a gas.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

They got something.

[Werner Herzog]

It seems safer to give them the coal than to give them the machetes or the crack cocaine.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. I mean, you know, coal.

Throughout history has been used to stone people to death.

[Werner Herzog]

You know, Is that true at all?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Maybe when the local bad boys and girls got coal.

[Werner Herzog]

Pardon me, Hofmann.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

No, no, no.

[Werner Herzog]

I would like to pursue this idea that throughout history, coal was used to stone people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Look, it's not as hard as a rock, but, you know, it's hotter.

[Werner Herzog]

So it was hot coals?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Werner Herzog]

People were warming up a barbecue grill. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

They're like, you know what? Let me pause for a second. And I need to stone this person.

[Werner Herzog]

To death for heresy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Certainly for crimes against humanity.

[Werner Herzog]

And so the cold.

I crave your indulgence.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ho, ho. Do you throw up when you hear something that you are attracted to in terms of your general aesthetic. Okay.

[Werner Herzog]

Three throwips in a row.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is like a mortal Morse code of throw ups.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah. Figure this out. Bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh. I said fuck you very much.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fuck you very much. Ho ho. It's not that kind of. It's not that kind of show, show, show, show.

[Werner Herzog]

I've heard you say this before, but there is no evidence to support your claim.

[Scott Aukerman]

There really is not.

[Werner Herzog]

This is not that kind of show.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think it kind of has turned into this kind of a show over the years.

Didn't mean to start out that way.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Who's your friend?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, this is. This is Michael Abelson.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Oh, I know you. You're bad.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, Michael.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Naughty, naughty.

[Michael Abelson]

Am I on the list?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah, you are. Didn't you get my present last year?

[Michael Abelson]

I did receive a machete in the mail, but I did order that, so I didn't. I didn't know I put it in the box.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do you think you ordered it? Good point.

[Michael Abelson]

Yeah.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

You know.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

You were naughty.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mm. So, yeah, Mike. I mean, Michael is kind of a bad boy. You know, for the listener out there. He's got a lot of money. He showed up here wearing a leather jacket and cool sunglasses.

[Werner Herzog]

He rode up on the mot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Peeled in and then dove off. And I watched.

[Scott Aukerman]

And it just went crashing into the building. Caused a lot of structural damage, I believe.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

He doesn't care. He's got dough to blow, blow, blow.

[Scott Aukerman]

So, yeah. So he's one of the naughty kids. How long has he been on the naughty list?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Ho ho.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

You're on the naughty list from day one. You pop out and you're naughty. It's born inside you.

[Werner Herzog]

What's in the original sin situation?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah, original sin. He never washed away.

[Michael Abelson]

Sorry, I just want to clarify. That's just. Is it just me or is that the nationwide. That's the situation.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

That's the rule.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. So when people pop out of the close ups of the woman's vagina with all of the disgusting blood and everything.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah. The bile coming out of her piss.

[Scott Aukerman]

Then the child is just naturally bad and will never change.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah. Depending on if it's bad or good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, sure.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Maybe it depends on what the mom ate. I haven't figured it out yet.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have no scientific study on this at this point?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Scientist? I'm a naughty elf.

[Werner Herzog]

But there could be some link between the mother's diet and whether or not the child is born inherently bad or good.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah. Maybe she Ate too much Thai food.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so stay away from the Thai food for the moment, Young or don't we have no empirical evidence to the contrary?

[Werner Herzog]

Or Thai food, perhaps?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it could be. Yeah, Maybe exclusively Thai food.

[Werner Herzog]

We don't know how many children in Thailand are born bad?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Zero.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, this.

[Werner Herzog]

I feel as if we have a.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lot of evidence at this point.

So. Really, you never get out there to Thailand?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I don't have to go. They're all good. All they do is make charities and stupid shit I hate.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seems like a lot of people on the Naughty list go to Thailand from America.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah, they do. Yeah, they want to see the ping pong balls.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, we know what you're talking about. Ho ho.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

You want me to explain? Ho ho.

[Scott Aukerman]

Go ahead.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Well, when a woman loves a man, she sticks a ping pong ball up her hoo ha. And shoots it out. And shoots it out into his mouth, Back and forth until eternity and everyone dies.

[Werner Herzog]

This is. I'm familiar with the beginning of the story, but not the ending.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, by the way, is Verner on your Naughty list?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

He has been, but he got off it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. I thought that you were on it until the end of time.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

He's the exception to the rule. Cause he made a movie I like.

[Scott Aukerman]

Which one?

[Werner Herzog]

Which film was this?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Boyhood.

[Scott Aukerman]

He didn't make Boyhood.

[Werner Herzog]

Shut up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Yeah, Werner Herzog's Boyhood.

[Werner Herzog]

I hope everyone enjoyed all five hours of it.

Working with Patricia Arquette was a dream come true.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I wonder what it's like to be just a boy and not a boy and a girl at the same time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Like me. Is that your dream? Eventually? To be just a boy, much like Pinocchio?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

No, my dream's to live on a rainbow and bar full day and night.

[Scott Aukerman]

You'll get there. Where do you live now?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Again, I live inside Santa.

[Scott Aukerman]

Inside him where?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Well, he has a little vest on. You can't see it.

[Scott Aukerman]

He went to Vest Point. Yeah, we talked about that.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

And they go inside a little pocket. It's only inside his body, but it's kinda on his person.

[Santa Claus]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you're very close to him. Does he know what you're up to? On a day to day basis?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah. We Skype all day long.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

You wanna talk to him?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I would love to.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Let me see if he's busy.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, here we go.

[Michael Abelson]

Let's see.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

He's busy.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's busy. Try him again. I would love Santa over here.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Nah, he's busy. He's not answering. Oh, wait. Incoming. Santa, call. Hold on, let me press it.

[Santa Claus]

Oh.

What's going on?

[Scott Aukerman]

Ho ho.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Whoa. I'm just over here doing comedy. Bang Bang for fun.

[Santa Claus]

Oh, that filthy show.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah, I make it filthy.

[Santa Claus]

But no, you're not the only one. It's one of those kinds of shows.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

You listen, though, huh?

[Santa Claus]

Of course I do. I have to kill a lot of time around the workshop.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do you think he's always laughing and so jolly?

[Santa Claus]

Oh, who's that in the background?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, hi. This is Scott Aukerman.

Not a fan.

[Santa Claus]

Well, you know, I mean, you get great guests.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but, you know, my skills are.

[Santa Claus]

A little lacking, you know, You've come a long way, I think, since the early days.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's still not quite there. I get it.

[Santa Claus]

Well, I mean, you know, it's like. I get why people like you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. But an acquired taste.

[Werner Herzog]

Mmm.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. That you have not acquired yet.

[Santa Claus]

That's right.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Where's Mrs. Claus? Still looking hot.

[Santa Claus]

Ho ho. We've talked about this. It's not my favorite thing when you say those sort of suggestive things about Mrs. Claus.

[Scott Aukerman]

But is she still hot, though?

[Santa Claus]

She's very attractive, yes. Thank you.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

One time I got stuck between her tits.

[Santa Claus]

Now, ho ho. That was private.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, why were you stuck between Mrs. Claus, what were you even doing in there? And why is it private to Mr. Claus?

[Santa Claus]

Well, if it was your wife, would you want to talk? Well, you probably would, but I think most people, if it was their wives, they wouldn't want it all over the place. The world didn't happen.

[Scott Aukerman]

Santa, while I have you on the phone, we have a bad little boy here on the phone, and he's.

[Santa Claus]

Oh, no.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's wondering if he can possibly be the second exception to the rule, much like Werner Herzog, and get off the naughty list. His name is Michael Abelson now.

[Santa Claus]

The corporate lawyer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, Originally from Cambridge, but then he moved to Cambridge as to not confuse you.

[Santa Claus]

Okay, gotta go.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, wait.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

No, he's gone. I lost signal due to him hanging up, so sorry.

[Scott Aukerman]

Michael, could we please explain to Santa.

[Michael Abelson]

That I did recently donate to an indiegogo campaign for a very good cause.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah, Indie Ho Ho campaign.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, Go, Go.

[Werner Herzog]

What? If Go. Go Ho Ho. If you had an indiegogo campaign, what would you fund?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Well, I'm trying to get one off the ground, actually.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, tell us all about it. Leave no detail out.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I'm making a documentary about my life.

[Scott Aukerman]

But, wow, you're. And you've lived a long time. I think we talked about that.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

How old are you?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Hundreds of years.

[Scott Aukerman]

Definitely hundreds, centuries, one might say.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah, some might say that, but I want to. I have a lot of home videos from that time, and I want to piece them together and make a really cool documentary about my life and what it's like to live on the North Pole.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have home videos from hundreds of years ago?

[Werner Herzog]

Yeah, centuries, some might say.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I made flipbooks my whole life.

[Scott Aukerman]

So there are home videos of drawings that you made of flipbooks that you. Then when home video was invented.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Cam.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Oh, I see.

[Werner Herzog]

The flip book is a lost art.

My first attempt at making the film Strodzek was a flip book. Was it now it's very hard to make one big enough for a theater full of people to see.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

And you have to have much less.

[Werner Herzog]

Flip took the thumbs of several dozen people, but in the end they could not coordinate properly.

[Scott Aukerman]

So sorry.

[Werner Herzog]

And they dropped the book. And four people were crushed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my goodness.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I like that. Sounds like a good day.

[Werner Herzog]

You seem like a very contrary person.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I like people die.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that your favorite day when you go to a funeral?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah, I like to watch and laugh, laugh, laugh.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's the funniest funeral you ever went to?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

It was a baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's pretty good. It's pretty good.

It was an innocent baby, I presume. Yeah.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

At least likely to happen. So I think that that's hysterical.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Bleh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very good. Ho ho. Very good.

[Santa Claus]

Ho ho.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know what it is about you. You're disgusting, you're small, you're genderless. But I love you.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

You gotta love me. Not the mama.

[Werner Herzog]

It's just a quote from Dinosaurs, I think.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. Dinosaurs, The ABC show.

[Werner Herzog]

Yes. I think HOHO just worked. Quoted from Dinosaurs.

[Michael Abelson]

Verna, didn't you work on that show?

[Werner Herzog]

Yes, I did. I was the one that made sure that all of the characters were something that no one ever wanted to see, that they were very discomforting, and that you would never enjoy watching them on a regular basis.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Have you seen the finale?

[Santa Claus]

Of course I watch it.

[Werner Herzog]

I watch it once a month to remind myself why I do what I do.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah, I love how it's all about how dinosaurs are gonna become extinct because of all this bad stuff people doing.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think that's funny and maybe historically inaccurate.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah, maybe, maybe not. Not the bubba.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, we have to take a break. When we come back. Ho ho. Are you gonna stick around or.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, very good.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Got nowhere to be.

[Scott Aukerman]

We'll be back with more Werner Herzog. More. Ho ho. And Michael, can you stick around?

[Michael Abelson]

If you insist.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you paid for it. I hope you will.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Please do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Please. We'll be right back. We have a very interesting guest coming up here in a second, so we'll be right back with more comedy. Bang. Bang.

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Comedy Bang Bang. We're back. And we have of course Acclaimed actor and film director and star at Parks and Rec of the season premiere. Werner Herzog is here.

[Werner Herzog]

Hi. Hi.

[Scott Aukerman]

And we have. Not an actor.

[Werner Herzog]

Although.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you ever acted in anything? Ho ho.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Private videos.

[Werner Herzog]

I'm sorry, which private videos? Such as you and my lovers. Who would you consider your lovers? Ho ho.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Anybody that I fucked.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh boy. By the way, you're genderless. How does that happen? What do you guys guys lick? What do you suck?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

It's a lot of nipple action, but check out you already seen my dick last time. It's not only dick, it's just my genitals. Looks like a candy cane. Goes in and out of itself. So basically a lot of self pleasure.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. But you do have lovers?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, great. And are these human lovers or other elves like you?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

No elves, baby.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so you're only into elves. Are you a specist?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

No, but do you fuck things that aren't human?

[Michael Abelson]

That's a good question.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, I never thought it would come up on the show, but. Well, I tell you what. I'll talk about that on another show.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Okay.

[Werner Herzog]

Ho ho. May I ask, do you ever have sex with such creatures as gnomes?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Gnomes are gross, bro. Have you ever met one?

[Werner Herzog]

I have not had the pleasure.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

They're nasty little monkeys.

[Werner Herzog]

I have met Klaus King, who was no mission his own way.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I don't know who that is.

[Werner Herzog]

He was an insane person who's now dead.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Good.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's about all you need to know about a cavity.

Gnomes are the things that are on people's lawns, right? Yeah. Yeah. What do they do, though? Like, I know what elves do and I know what hobbits do. What does a gnome do?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

They pick your garbage and eat it and then make fun of all the stuff you throw out.

[Werner Herzog]

I think that's possums.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. And we also have Michael Abelson, who contributed $36,000 to get on this show.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Hubba hubba.

[Scott Aukerman]

And we're about. So you're into money? Ho ho.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah, I like it. Gimme, gimme.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're not into humans though, so why are you saying hubba hubba?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I like to roll around in money. It's my mattress. I'm the size of a less than a dollar bill.

[Scott Aukerman]

That is true.

[Werner Herzog]

She and he are the size of less than a dollar bill.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. What about $100 bill?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Same.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Bigger than a Susan B. Anthony coin.

[Scott Aukerman]

So if you're listening, you can get some sort of idea of how big ho ho is.

[Werner Herzog]

That should fix the dimensions for you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it should Be in there. And Michael is a young man with a lot of money. Are you involved for the listeners out there, Are you involved with anyone romantically? Are you not into that, or what is your deal?

[Michael Abelson]

Not into it. Not my deal. Not my interest area.

[Scott Aukerman]

Not interested in romance ever? No. You just have a lot of money.

[Michael Abelson]

And I'm sorry, I mean, yes and.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, no, but you have a lot of money. And the reason you have a lot of money is because you're not taking people out on dates. Right?

[Michael Abelson]

That's exactly. It's a very empty life. Nothing really happens in it. It's mainly consists of sitting at a desk. It's thrilling.

[Werner Herzog]

Michael, are you interested in anyone platonically?

[Michael Abelson]

No, not with anyone.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know Plato, right? The ancient Greek.

[Werner Herzog]

Yes.

[Michael Abelson]

Do you know, if only. If only his relationships with children had been more platonic, that would have been great.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Whoa, I like this guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

No wonder you're on the naughty list.

[Michael Abelson]

Is Plato on the naughty list or on the good list?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Well, he's kind of before my time, but I do go back and write notes on every person in history on whether they were good or bad.

[Scott Aukerman]

So why did we need the preamble? He just asked a question. Why do we need you?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I want you to understand how I work.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Seems like you're just like, marking time until you can figure out whether Plato is on the good list or the naughty list.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Oh, God. Go to hell. All right, I'll see you there.

[Werner Herzog]

Ho Ho is merely doing due diligence. In the course of any interview, you must establish what is canonical about yourself.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, Fantastic. And by the way, we've figured out how big Ho Ho is. We also know somewhat of a range of how old he or she is because. Not as old as Plato.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

It was around for Native Americans.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, you were?

[Michael Abelson]

Yeah, that was established in a prior episode.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Remember, I was one.

[Santa Claus]

Oh, that's.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Then I got turned into an elf.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's right.

[Werner Herzog]

Yeah.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

When did I say they were around?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, they've been around. They've been around now. It could have been yesterday.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

They were always around. They were around before all of us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are they the oldest?

[Werner Herzog]

Okay, good catch.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you. That was a close one.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Well, I'm gonna fly away after that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

By the way, is there something that can trigger you flying away?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah, but you'll know when it happens.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, very good. Maybe it'll happen by the end of the show. We don't know. Oh, wait, come back, come back. Oh, I just. Oh, I got her. His little tiny foot dragging it Down.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Let me go, you bitch.

[Scott Aukerman]

What did we do? I don't know. It seemed like we just paused and you flew away.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Whatever you said did it.

[Scott Aukerman]

I can't remember anymore. Oh, well, we do have to get to our next guest and boy, I'm excited. And this is someone that you, Michael, requested to be on the show. Which is really interesting because I don't know anything about this person, but he. Other than he is. I have his bio here. Biography. He is a well known actor in France and that's all. I've never heard of any of his movies yet. But please welcome Jean Claude Pepit.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Bonsoir. Me bonsoir. Thank you for having me on the show. Very exciting.

[Michael Abelson]

It's a great honor to meet you.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

You must have traveled in France to some extent because to be familiar with me and my career, I have found that outside of France, nobody knows of my work, which is extraordinary.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would count myself among those people who do not know anything about you.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I can't believe it. It's very upsetting to me because in France I am the greatest film star of all of the times.

[Scott Aukerman]

All of the times.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

All of the times.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were saying, Michael, name a time. Okay. 1943, biggest film star of that time.

[Werner Herzog]

Native American times.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Biggest film star of that time.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Okay, that heads up, Michael.

[Scott Aukerman]

You were gonna ask Jean Claude.

[Michael Abelson]

I was just gonna say that, yes. A few years ago, I spent a long weekend in Paris and he was just everywhere. It was. It's quite intimidating to be in the same room as him right now.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I can only imagine what you are going through. Yes, it must be overwhelming. But you.

[Scott Aukerman]

You have to imagine it because you cannot be in their position because you're in your own shoes.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I cannot be someone who is not Jean Claude Pepys because I am so busy all of the time being Jean.

[Scott Aukerman]

Claude Pepi 20 hours a day.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

However, this is the work of an actor. And that is what I do for livings. I am.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait a minute.

I think Borat just walked in for a second.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

My wife.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is what you do for a living. You were saying?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Bonsoir.

[Scott Aukerman]

We're backed in. We're locked in again. Okay.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I am an actor. And so all of the time I have to inhabit someone else, to become someone else. Always knowing that a very basic. On a very basic level, it is the impossible. I am in search of something that cannot be achieved.

[Scott Aukerman]

You cannot physically nor mentally transform yourself or transmogrify yourself even into another person, can you?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Not 100%. But no one in the history of French Cinema has ever come closer than Jean Claude Pepit.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would say no one in the history of the world has been able to do this at all. So the fact that you've even come close is quite a feat.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Oui, tres extraordinaire.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a great way of putting it.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Mercy.

[Scott Aukerman]

See?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Ah, yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

So tell us a little bit about your roles, because we don't know anything. I mean, ho ho, you've traveled the world.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Good list or naughty list?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Well, you want me to tell them?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Do I want to tell them?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Do you want me.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I think I want to hear your long preamble of explanation. How do these things come about? No, look, it's obvious, right? I've got to be on the good list because I have done nothing but wonderful things for the world.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Celebs are on the good list.

[Scott Aukerman]

Every one of the celebs are. But I thought that, that. So when someone is born, you know whether they're gonna be a celeb or not.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. God, I wish. I wish someone would inform the babies that they're gonna be celebs.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

No, I shouldn't know. They'll get a big head.

[Scott Aukerman]

You think celebs don't have big heads?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Well, you don't want to know. You're gonna be one when you're little.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Disgusting.

[Scott Aukerman]

How often. How long have you known that you're a celeb?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I believe I knew this from a very early age, that I was destined to be Jean Claude Pepi, as you now see him, who is me. I think I always knew that. Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

How old of a man are you?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

That's a great question.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you.

[Michael Abelson]

How old of a.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is the French word for man?

Om. How old of an homme are you?

[Werner Herzog]

It helps. Maybe start with a pretty gamble.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Bonsoir. I am.

[Scott Aukerman]

From France. Of course you're from France. Yes.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

And I am an actor. I am the greatest actor in all France. All of the times. 55 years old.

[Scott Aukerman]

55 years old. So now you were, of course, born in the 50s, being 55. Well.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Hard to say.

[Scott Aukerman]

It certainly is. But I'll tell you, you were born in the 50s.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

And do you like the Police?

[Scott Aukerman]

How do you know that song?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Ho ho, I know everything.

[Scott Aukerman]

But of course we're talking about the wonderful Police song, born in the 50s.

What's your favorite song? Ho ho.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

That one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. No wonder it came up then.

[Werner Herzog]

What is your least favorite song?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

That one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoa.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

You do the math. I don't like music.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, but you just said you did.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I don't know.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

It is impossible to do that math.

[Scott Aukerman]

So now cannot be done, Jean Claude. I mean, obviously Michael brought you here for a reason, right?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Yes, yes, Well, I am here. I'm glad that the scheduling works out because it is very rare that I am in the United States, but I am here right now working on film. I will be an American film, which is, of course my dream to be here and to be as successful as Gerard Depardieu.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it shot on film or is it shot on digital video?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

There is a shot on sight.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Oh, I know. I hope that I will not be shot with the gun as you imply, but I am in a film called Geico and it is a film that is shooting tomorrow and.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Geico to be extraordinary, possibly award winning film.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, hold on. Can I ask you a question about Geico? Oh, Geico to us here in America.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

And it is here in America. American film.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Yeah. Okay, now, it sounds like an exotic. What could be an exotic film?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I'm fascinated to find out what it means.

[Scott Aukerman]

It could be.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I only know a very little bit.

[Scott Aukerman]

Only from the title. It could be something like Diabolique or something like that. But no, as a matter of fact, Geico is an American insurance company.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Is that right?

[Scott Aukerman]

That is right, yes. So. And I don't think that this is a film named after the insurance company.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I don't know. I know very little about it. Only that it is a very. We will shoot this entire film in one day, which seems to me like an extraordinary experiment. How can it be done? You know, and, and to do this and to be able to say when you are accepting your award, we shot this in one day.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. It's like the opposite of boyhood.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Yes.

[Werner Herzog]

Mr. Pepe, may I ask a question of you?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Yes.

[Werner Herzog]

What is the plot of the film?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

The plot of the film? I only have been told my part, which is fascinating to me. I don't want to, because my character does not know everything else that will happen in this film.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

My part is that I am a waiter at a fancy French restaurant and a person has taken his pet snail to this restaurant where they are served escargot. And then it's some kind of thing. Can you imagine the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I can imagine this situation for.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

This waiter to confront, to be really the personification of death is what I think I'm going to be in this scene. Because to make this snail confront himself.

[Scott Aukerman]

His own mortality, his own mortality, and the moral quandary that this waiter must be in, of Do I say something to this snail? Do I actually kidnap the snail and serve it to a different customer?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Yes, of course. Right.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's a lot that your character is wrestling with.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Going to be a lot going on there in this film, I think. I cannot wait to do it. I cannot. I have not received a script.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you don't know any of your lines.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I have received no script yet.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I ask, do you know if any of your lines contain information about car insurance?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I have been told yes, there is some parts of it that's all about sort of ensuring that this does not happen to you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

But I don't know. I don't know why you asked that, but yes, it's.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I hit the nail on the head, so I must be up to something.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Fascinating film. Yes, maybe you're up to something. But anyway, maybe I cannot wait to be a part of this extraordinary film, Geico. And you will be finding out about it when the Oscars are given out to extraordinary films. Well, Jean Claude extraordinaire.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jean Claude, I'm afraid you are going to have to wait because you're not filming it currently. Okay, we have a deal. Very good.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I can wait until tomorrow to do this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, yeah, you're gonna have to wait though.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I hate insurance.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Why is it I don't think people.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Should have the opportunity to fix. When stuff goes bad, you think deal with it.

[Scott Aukerman]

You think that something should go bad and just people should live with the consequences?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah. Gotta deal with it because you are bad and you deserve it.

[Scott Aukerman]

But what about accidents that happened to people who didn't weren't doing anything wrong?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

There's no such thing as an accident. God lets it happen.

[Scott Aukerman]

So it's God's fault, but not the humans.

[Werner Herzog]

Is everyone who is involved in a. Are they all naughty people?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yep, naughty.

[Scott Aukerman]

So anyone who's ever been in a car accident, either the victim or the perpetrator, is on the naughty list? Yeah.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

They need a spanking.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait, do you give out spankings as well? We've never talked about that.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah, watch.

[Scott Aukerman]

I feel like something is hitting my little butt right now, but I can't.

[Werner Herzog]

It appears to be. Ho Ho is, with all his or her might, is attempting to slap you on the buttocks. But I don't know if it's registering with it.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's not really registering. No.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Maybe that's why no one ever responds when I do it.

[Scott Aukerman]

No one has ever said, hey, stop spanking me.

[Werner Herzog]

No, Monsieur Papill, I am disappointed to find out that I will not Be directing your Geico film Because I don't know if you realize there is a concurrent series of Geico films in all of the Geico verse. There are many different series.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Is that right?

[Werner Herzog]

And the ones I am directing exclusively center upon CGI by Lizard who speaks much like our friend Michael here.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Oh my goodness. I wish that I could work in one of those. It's extraordinary. I did not know that this was a sequence of films.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know the franchise.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

The franchise of films. Wow. And are they all award winning films?

[Werner Herzog]

Some of them, yes. It depends on what award you are talking about.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I'm of course talking about the Oscar.

[Michael Abelson]

The Gecko has won a lot of BAFTAs. I should add. The Gecko is the largest film star in England.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Is that right?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

At the same time.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Interesting. That's a clever play on words.

[Werner Herzog]

We almost worked together years ago when I directed an adaptation of Nosferatu, the story of the vampire.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Certainly. Yes, I am familiar. He was.

[Werner Herzog]

Do you remember auditioning for that film?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I did. I went in and I had an audition. It's very unusual for me to audition for.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm surprised that you were auditioning.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I would not have auditioned for any other vampire. But Nosferatu.

[Scott Aukerman]

It chose the role. It was not the director.

[Werner Herzog]

It was too good a role to turn down.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

It was the first of the vampires.

[Werner Herzog]

You were very gracious to come in and. And read for me. But it was so long ago. I don't know. Do you remember the. The scene that we read together?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Of course. Remember the scene. I will never forget the scene. And you are so gracious to step forward and read the scene with me.

[Werner Herzog]

I of course remember it as well. Perhaps we should perform it.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Absolutely. We should certainly do this. Yes. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fantastic. And they're passing out sides to us so that we can follow along.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

But they are not reading smothered.

[Scott Aukerman]

They are not reading from them. Okay, very good. We are all looking at the scene.

[Werner Herzog]

No, the.

[Scott Aukerman]

You want me to read stage directions?

[Werner Herzog]

Yes, please, sir.

[Scott Aukerman]

We should be on there for Can Ho and Michael. Do they have any sort of role in this?

[Werner Herzog]

Yes, if you would like to. To read along the various other roles.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

There are other parts. I believe in the audition we did not read all of the other parts in the script. But it would be wonderful to bring the scene to life.

[Werner Herzog]

What we did was we just paused when those parts were speaking.

[Scott Aukerman]

And you imagined?

[Werner Herzog]

We imagined. And we did pretty good with the timing of imagining when they would have finished speaking.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

And we did not establish where the other characters were Standing. And so it was interesting because we were looking in different places when the people who were not there were speaking. And it was fascinating to me to think maybe a vampire sees people in different places than where they are.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fantastic.

[Werner Herzog]

Of course, Monsieur Papi will be reading for the role.

And I play the lady that is the object of Nosferatu's desire.

[Scott Aukerman]

And, well, I see the character name right here. Claire. Is that.

[Werner Herzog]

That's right. Claire.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, very good.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Who can resist exist?

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, I will be reading stage directions later.

[Werner Herzog]

Changed to Lucy Hawker. But okay, it started out as Claire.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Very fascinating. Look behind the process.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, here we go. And I'll read stage directions. And we'll just start here at the top of page one. And Michael, you jump in on all the male characters. All right, here we go.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Ah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Fade in. Smash Cut 2. That's a weird choice.

[Werner Herzog]

It was very experimental.

[Scott Aukerman]

So it fades in. And just how many frames are there until you do a smash?

[Werner Herzog]

A half of a frame. Half of one.

[Scott Aukerman]

Half of one frame.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

You don't even know, I think, what you are fading into. And then it is smashed out.

[Werner Herzog]

We also snuck in that face from the Exorcist.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, that's pretty smart. So you made this film?

[Werner Herzog]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, good.

[Werner Herzog]

It is a film that exists. Eventually the role went to Klaus Kinski when he held a machete to my neck.

[Scott Aukerman]

Where did you get this machete? Where did he get it?

[Werner Herzog]

It was a Christmas. Christmas gift.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, very good.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Have a habit.

I'm glad to know that. That is why I lost the part. A physical threat of violence.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Smash cut 2. Interior, creepy castle night.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

What am I doing? I want to go outside.

[Werner Herzog]

No, you mustn't. We have to stay in because it's movie night.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Okay, I'm going in a cabinet.

[Werner Herzog]

Do as you like, my dear. As always. As ever you will. Oh, I'm so lonely in this castle. It's so spooky here. Why does no one attend my movie nights? Time to press play.

[Michael Abelson]

How's it going?

[Werner Herzog]

Oh, Joseph.

[Scott Aukerman]

Joseph has a two large buckets of popcorn. He gives one to Claire.

[Michael Abelson]

I wish that you wouldn't just talk like I'm not sitting right next to you. I've come to every movie night for the past three years. I've been very dedicated. I've been. I always rsvp. I've been incredibly civil about it, and this is kind of insulting.

[Werner Herzog]

Joseph, let me stop you there. We have been over this. It is unseemly for a popcorn delivery boy to stay at the residence after he's delivered the popcorn.

[Scott Aukerman]

Claire grabs the two buckets of popcorn and sulturally sashays over to the couch, giving Michael or. No, giving Joseph. Joseph. And that's in, by the way, that's in the stage direction.

[Werner Herzog]

I forgot. We couldn't decide if he should be named Michael or Joseph.

[Scott Aukerman]

It was strange. Yeah.

[Werner Herzog]

I don't know why we used the earliest draft of the script for this.

[Scott Aukerman]

And why you didn't just back up. You know, there is the backspace key on there.

[Werner Herzog]

Everything was written on a typewriter. This is pre laptop.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, let me read it again. And gives Michael. Oh, I mean Joseph. A sultry look, as if to say, come hither.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Go away.

[Werner Herzog]

Who could that be? I was just about to press play.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nosferatu skips in.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Bonsoir.

It is I, Nosferatu, who has been stricken with vampirism.

[Werner Herzog]

What are you doing here? I am a young lady all alone on movie night.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

You're not alone. I'm in the cabinet.

[Werner Herzog]

Please.

[Scott Aukerman]

The unnamed character pokes her and his head out of the cabinet.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Who is that?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I am here to reclaim my castle.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I'm hiding again.

[Scott Aukerman]

The unnamed character pops back into the cabinet.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I have spent 500 years chained to a rock in the bottom of the ocean, and now I am returned to reclaim my castle.

[Werner Herzog]

The realtor told us if we spent the night here and we did not die of fright, the castle was ours for $100.

[Scott Aukerman]

Michael. I mean, Joseph screams in terror. Ah.

All right.

[Werner Herzog]

We'Ll call you.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

It has been 500 years since I have feasted upon a popcorn delivery boy. His neck is too delicious to resist. May I eat this, man, please?

[Werner Herzog]

You are a guest in your own castle.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nosferatu grabs Michael. I mean Joseph. And crunches down as if it was popcorn itself into the popcorn delivery boy's neck.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I will leave him just a little bit alive.

[Scott Aukerman]

The end.

[Michael Abelson]

Wow.

[Scott Aukerman]

Weird. So that movie was only five minutes long?

[Werner Herzog]

Yes, that was an early draft.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I bet you a million dollars is longer than the movie you're shooting tomorrow.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I don't think so. I mean, this is. I mean, you would not fly me all the way from France only to be in a tiny little movie.

[Werner Herzog]

Yes.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I mean, I'm the greatest actor in all.

[Scott Aukerman]

Were you flown all the way from France or did you?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Well, I had to fly myself, but.

[Scott Aukerman]

Undoubtedly they're going to reimburse you.

[Werner Herzog]

He was. He was flown by the pilot, though.

[Scott Aukerman]

That is true. You didn't fly the plane?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I would. No, I did not fly the plane. I have played a pilot, though.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

In what property?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

The Tears of the Moon.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Tears of the Moon. That sounds like a wonderful piece of content.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

A very sad, sad film. One of the saddest films in the history of film.

[Scott Aukerman]

What made it so sad? I mean, being a pilot must be fun.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

It was. No. Well, I was a pilot who simply observed the crying of the moon and tried to cheer up a moon.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my goodness. How does one cheer up the moon?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Sad, sad, sad, sad film.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I'm getting it. Sad. But what happens in it?

[Werner Herzog]

It is one of my favorite films. I've seen it countless times.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Yes, yes. In the film, it take place in a time before there was oceans.

[Werner Herzog]

And.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I remember that the moon.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. You remember that? But you were not around for play DOH times.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Right?

[Werner Herzog]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

So. So amazingly, we're getting some confirmation here that Plato was born.

During the time there were no oceans. Is that correct?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah, Plato was like way bc.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, way bc.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Way bc. My favorite network. When dinosaurs were on.

[Werner Herzog]

Not to the mama.

[Scott Aukerman]

So very good. So there were no oceans and the moon is so sad.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

It was the tears of the moon that made the oceans.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that's why the oceans are controlled by the tides.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Yes, that is right. Because the moon wants its tears back.

[Scott Aukerman]

How. How do women's periods factor into this in the. You know, the moon controlling those?

[Werner Herzog]

The most logical question.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I don't think that the film touched upon that, but I'm sure that women's periods are really the subtext of most films.

[Werner Herzog]

It's a beautiful movie. I have seen it so many times, I have committed it to memory.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Have you?

[Scott Aukerman]

I wonder, I would love to hear.

[Werner Herzog]

About it, if we might enact one of the.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I would love to do one of the scenes from the Tears of the Moon. What a wonderful suggestion that is. Yes, yes. I will play, of course, my role as the pilot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you want to take this from the beginning or from the midpoint?

[Werner Herzog]

It is up to Mr. Pepe.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I think probably the most powerful scene is the scene when the pilot roll down the field, roll down the window of the plane and speak to the moon.

[Scott Aukerman]

And is this the beginning?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

This is. This. No, this is. Well, it's close enough. It's in the first act of the film.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, very good.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

And then will you play the moon, Werner?

[Werner Herzog]

I shall attempt to play it to the best of my ability.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who played the moon in the original film?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

The moon in the original film was Gerard Depardieu.

[Werner Herzog]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sounds like a good one.

[Werner Herzog]

Did to me. Just to.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

It was A moon with a comical nose.

[Werner Herzog]

My warm ups. Guten Tag. Guten Tag.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mosbar.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Mosbar.

[Scott Aukerman]

You guys all set?

[Werner Herzog]

Yep.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Hey, listen, moon. Why. Why are you so sad?

[Werner Herzog]

This is a question I am often asked, but never by a handsome pilot before.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Well, where I am here in the sky, in the time before the oceans.

[Werner Herzog]

Are you worried that rolling the window down on the plane will wreak havoc with the atmosphere inside the craft?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Luckily, we live in a crazy world, A surreal and crazy world where nothing is what it seems to be.

[Werner Herzog]

Good point.

I cry because the Earth, it's so far away. I provide it with light at night. And people look up at me and they become so sad because they pine for lost lovers or they make wishes that will never come true, or they think I'm some big blob of cheese.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

But please, you must be happy.

[Werner Herzog]

I don't know if you can hear it. I'm crying right now.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

That is the sound of your tears.

[Werner Herzog]

That's right. Extraordinary, the tears of the moon.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I would imagine. Oh, excuse me. I don't mean to interrupt here, guys.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

No, it's quite all right.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would imagine that down on Earth it would sound like crashing ocean waves and just incredible tides and destruction and tsunamis.

[Werner Herzog]

Well, no, in this. In the reality of the film, the moon is as big as you see it from the. From the Earth.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, really? So it's just as big as. Ho ho.

[Werner Herzog]

It's just this.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

You can put it in your briefcase.

[Werner Herzog]

Yes, but please don't.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Please don't put them.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Please put me in there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is there some instructions on the back? Please don't.

[Werner Herzog]

In the film. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, okay, very good, Good. Continue.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

But anyway.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yes, that's part of it.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I am. I do not know if I will survive, but I must fly to you. Fly to you. And then at that point, he flies to the moon. Tries to, but the plane will not make it. And he crashed. And the only thing that survived him is the oceans.

[Scott Aukerman]

Does he crash on the moon or.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

On the Earth into the oceans?

[Scott Aukerman]

On the moon or on the Earth? What? On the moon or on the Earth?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

On the Earth of the oceans.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

And there's a landing in the water that saved his life. And so it's a beautiful film, but sad.

[Scott Aukerman]

Sad.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Yes, of course. For the moon. Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

So he saves.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Can never be together. They fall in love, but they can never be together because he's too far away. The moon. And it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's just physical distance, but I bet that it actually is a symbol for the emotional distance between the moon.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Absolutely right. You are right about that.

[Scott Aukerman]

And what do you like about this film, Virginia?

[Werner Herzog]

It's very sad. And it's another example of. I think the part I like about it best is that the moon is disappointed.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Me too.

[Scott Aukerman]

What are you disappointed in? Ho ho.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

No, I mean, I like that the moon is. I like when someone's sad and cries.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I bet.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Like a loser.

[Werner Herzog]

Mm.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's the saddest thing you've ever seen? Ho ho.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Well, it happened. It was one of the first things I saw when I was approaching.

When I was born, I came out of my mom, and my dad was like, hey, you're a dumb whore and I hate you. I'm leaving.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is your Native American father? Yeah.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

And he got on Christopher Columbus's ship and rode off. Went to England.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wait. So he. So Christopher Columbus's ship was going two ways?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah. Like, who's going? Who's staying? Come on, show me your tips.

[Scott Aukerman]

In or out?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah. Are you in or are you out?

[Werner Herzog]

It's a shame that many Americans do not know their own history. But when Christopher Columbus landed in America, he said, I'm going back. Does anyone want to come with?

[Scott Aukerman]

A bunch of Native American people went over there.

[Werner Herzog]

Sure, why not?

[Scott Aukerman]

And Michael, is that why so many Native Americans live in England?

[Michael Abelson]

Well, I'm just wondering, is there a possibility that we could have a common ancestor?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Ho ho, ho ho. Probably. You look kind of like me.

[Werner Herzog]

That is true.

[Michael Abelson]

We haven't discussed this, but I. I'm three inches high.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I'm not three inches.

[Scott Aukerman]

I thought it was rude. I thought it was rude to bring up. I mean, you contributed a lot of money to this show, so why would I comment upon your height? But, yeah, it is an abnormal height.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I liked watching you try to climb on the table.

[Scott Aukerman]

You like that? Yeah, because he failed.

[Michael Abelson]

Yeah, I did fail. Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean. Yeah. Are you guys related somehow? I mean, that's kind of interesting.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I don't know. Let's go on that show. Who do you think?

[Scott Aukerman]

Dinosaurs.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Oh, yeah. Dinosaurs. Not the mama. Maybe our mom was not the mama. Maybe my mom was not the mama and she was your mama.

[Scott Aukerman]

Get it?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

We're the same.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. So, I mean, isn't there some way in your work with Santa Claus where you can figure out ancestry of.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I could probably put him on the job. Want me to call him?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, definitely.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Okay. Hold on.

He ignored it.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Calling Santa Claus. You are calling Santa Claus.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Father Christmas. Paranoel.

[Scott Aukerman]

Certainly. Kris Kringle. As a matter of Fact. She's ordinary. Knows. Yeah, hold on.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yep, it's working.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, here we go.

[Santa Claus]

What is it now?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Hey, be nice.

[Santa Claus]

I'm sorry.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Ho, ho, Coop.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, now that you've patched it up.

[Santa Claus]

What's going on? It's movie night here.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

What are you guys watching?

[Santa Claus]

Oh, you know. Tears of the Moon.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Oh, cool. Are you in matching pajamas?

[Santa Claus]

Of course we are.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Sexy.

[Santa Claus]

It's pretty sexy.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm surprised you're not watching the Santa Clause.

[Santa Claus]

Why would I watch that?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know.

[Santa Claus]

Why would I ever watch that?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, is it a thing where you.

[Santa Claus]

What if someone made the Scott Aukofan story and you hated the casting? Would you be watching that movie all the time?

[Scott Aukerman]

Why do you hate the casting? I mean, I think Tim Allen did a fine job.

[Santa Claus]

Do you?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Everyone's a critic, I guess. Even Santa Claus.

[Santa Claus]

Do you know who I wanted for that part?

[Scott Aukerman]

Who's that?

[Santa Claus]

Benicio Del Toro.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's an amazing guy. Jean Claude, what do you think of Benicio?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I don't like Benicio Del Toro. I think he relies too much on his accent.

[Santa Claus]

Who is that?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

He gets just an accent. All he is is an accent.

[Santa Claus]

Is that Jean Claude Pepif?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oui, Jean Claude Pepif.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Hello, Santa Claus.

[Santa Claus]

No toys for you this year.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

How come no toys, Santa Claus.

[Santa Claus]

I don't like what you're saying about Benicio.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I'll take care of him. He'll do something really shitty.

[Santa Claus]

Oh, boy. I wish there was something I could do for you.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

But do you not control this elf?

[Scott Aukerman]

Nope.

[Santa Claus]

Down comes the hammer in your stocking.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

You're gonna get a hammer.

[Santa Claus]

You're gonna get a hammer.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah, but it can only hurt people. You can't nail anything with it.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

A hammer that can only hurt people?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

This sounds like an idea for a wonderful film.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Don't steal it.

[Santa Claus]

It does sound very Fridge.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

The hammer that could only hurt people.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my goodness. I feel. Santa, like I had a question for you. But if you're running out of time, we can go.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

What's my history, Santa?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, Werner? You have a question for Santa?

[Santa Claus]

Go ahead, Werner.

[Werner Herzog]

Is Krampus still a thing?

[Santa Claus]

Oh, boy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that the dance that the inner city kids do?

[Santa Claus]

Nope. Are you thinking of crumping?

[Scott Aukerman]

Crumping?

[Santa Claus]

Crumping. O. Oh. Okay. So I'm only slightly less out of touch than you are. That was a close one. But look, I'm a busy guy.

[Michael Abelson]

Sure.

[Santa Claus]

And crunking is a dance form.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it crunking or crumping?

[Santa Claus]

There's both. There's Both crumping and crunking. Okay, thank you anyway.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

But what were you asking about Warner?

[Werner Herzog]

I was asking about Krampus.

[Santa Claus]

Yeah, Krampus. That was a PR disaster in Scandinavian countries. He was sort of this devil guy who beat kids with sticks.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

He's awesome.

[Santa Claus]

I know. He's my God.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Jesus, I pray to him.

[Santa Claus]

Hey, this is a pretty good connection for it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really. No dropouts, kid.

[Santa Claus]

It's not bad.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I ask a question?

[Santa Claus]

Sure.

[Scott Aukerman]

What's this Elf on the Shelf.

[Santa Claus]

Oh, you know it's fake, right? It's your parents.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, is it?

[Santa Claus]

Yes.

[Scott Aukerman]

But you're not our parents.

[Santa Claus]

I'm not your parent. Oh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or am I? Oh, wait a minute.

[Michael Abelson]

Wait.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

That's what I want.

Why did I cut off when he.

[Scott Aukerman]

Cut off Michael, I never got to ask about if you. If you guys are related.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Oh, that was the reason you were calling to ask that question.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's too bad. You know what? We have to take a break. When we come back, we are gonna have more Ho Ho, more Jean Claude Pepe and more Werner Herzog. Maybe more Santa Claus, we don't know. And of course, more Michael Abelson. After this.

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[Scott Aukerman]

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Comedy Bang Bang. We're back here with Jean Claude Papis, the France's greatest actor. How do you stack up as opposed to American actors, though? You know, are you only good in France or are you good worldwide?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

This is a strange question. Is my acting only good when I do it on France soil?

[Scott Aukerman]

No. Meaning you may be France's greatest actor, but how are you in the pantheon of actors across the globe?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Well, because France has the greatest actors in all the world. I am the greatest actor in all the world and in all the universe because who are the actors on other planets that are any good?

[Scott Aukerman]

I can only think of a few French actors, though. Jacqueline Bissette. You? Jean Claude Van Damme.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Jean Claude Van Damme. If you want to count him.

[Werner Herzog]

He's Belgian.

[Scott Aukerman]

He's Belgian. Yeah. So, I mean, already we're out. Gerard Depard.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I mean Lee.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bobby Lee.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I mean Lee. Audrey Tattoo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Bobby Lee.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

No, I mean Bobby Lee is French.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is he really? But he can pass.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Fuck you guys. You knew what I was saying.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, come on.

[Werner Herzog]

Ho ho.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hello.

[Werner Herzog]

That was valid. You're being willfully obtuse.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm so sorry. And we have Michael Abelson. Who?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

He is not a French actor. Oh, I see you have changed from change of thought. A list of French actors to a list of people who is in the room.

[Werner Herzog]

I would like to ask Mr. Abelson how many French actors he can name.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a great game.

[Werner Herzog]

It's okay to repeat.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

60 seconds on the clock. Oh, it's okay to repeat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do we need a theme song for this game?

[Werner Herzog]

Of course we do.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, here we go. This is a name it should not.

[Werner Herzog]

Be okay to repeat.

[Scott Aukerman]

I just want to say we'll call this game name French actors. All right, here we go.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Name French actors.

[Michael Abelson]

Riddler.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

We were born.

Born in France.

[Scott Aukerman]

Named actors. Oh, very good. Sorry to talk over that one. Name French actors. All right, Michael, you can repeat and unlimited time on the clock. And go.

[Michael Abelson]

I feel that this game is really. Can you name the one French actor who's sitting in the room? And I am not confident. All right, Jean Claude.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who? Because we've established that one of the.

[Michael Abelson]

More famous French speaking.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jean Claude, we'll have to do Jeopardy. Rules. I will. You have to have the last name.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I would think that a corporate litigator would be expected to listen and remember things.

[Scott Aukerman]

So. So Jeopardy. By Jeopardy. Rules. Name any French Actor. And you can repeat.

[Werner Herzog]

Well, to be fair, you can repeat names that have already been said. You can't just say the same name.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

No, that's what I thought you were saying.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's what I thought you were saying.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

He could just sit there and go.

[Scott Aukerman]

And rack up the points.

[Werner Herzog]

I thought we were all going to go around and you could say the names that had have been said before.

[Scott Aukerman]

But, oh, that's a less fun game to me. You would be able to ridiculous a name for me.

[Werner Herzog]

What I'm saying now is more ridiculous than what you thought I was saying.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

No, it's about.

[Werner Herzog]

It's less.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

It's less ridiculous if you want to really get into what is more and less ridiculous. But it is still ridiculous because we could do a round of everyone repeating Gerard Debardieu, and then a round of everyone saying Jean.

Jean du Jardin.

[Michael Abelson]

Could I just say Gerald Depardieu?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Gerard Depardieu. All right, and now we go to. Ho ho.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I'm playing this. All right.

[Santa Claus]

What do you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do you not want to partake?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Jacqueline Bassette.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jacqueline Bissette. Bleach. All right, very good, Werner.

[Werner Herzog]

Audrey tattoo.

[Scott Aukerman]

Audrey tattoo.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Bobby Lee.

[Werner Herzog]

She went out of turn.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm going to say Jean Valjean.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I don't know if that's you. Do you get credit for that?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think so.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

All right, in that case, I will say Inspector Clouseau.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, very good.

[Michael Abelson]

Russell Crowe.

[Scott Aukerman]

Russell Crowe. Very good.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Kevin Costner in French Kiss. That wasn't his name.

[Scott Aukerman]

Klein, maybe, but I'll give you it. I'll give it to you.

[Werner Herzog]

Steve Martin in the Pink Panther.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, very good.

Natalie Portman in the Professional.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

French Stewart.

[Michael Abelson]

In everything French Saunders.

[Santa Claus]

Mmm.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Wee man.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wee man from Jackass. Very good.

[Werner Herzog]

Oui, man.

Victor French highway to Heaven.

[Scott Aukerman]

It French toast.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

French is mustard.

[Michael Abelson]

French kissing.

[Scott Aukerman]

French kissing. Ooh la la.

Is French kissing good or bad? Ho ho.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

It's good if it's with a bad guy.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ho ho. French actor.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Oh, hold on.

Oh, oh, Keenan. Keenan Thompson on all that when he was in the bathtub.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

What are the chances that this is going to become a regular feature of this podcast?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think zero percent.

There's no way of checking. That's the problem. Here is all the answers we've said. There's no way of knowing if they're correct or not.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Is anybody getting points? So far?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, that's. It's very boring game. There's no drama, no stakes. Yeah, no stakes. And finally, Werner, am I taking the final turn? You are. Yes. And this is for 100 points.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

What?

[Werner Herzog]

A flag.

[Scott Aukerman]

A flag. And for 100 points, you're our winner.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Man, you were right.

[Scott Aukerman]

Congratulations.

[Werner Herzog]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, very good.

[Werner Herzog]

That was a great game.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

That was very enjoyable.

[Werner Herzog]

How many French actors can you name?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

It's funny though. It was never mentioned, strangely enough.

Remember mentioned in there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Who's that?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Pepe le pew.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, how could we forget?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Oh, how could we?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

He smells like and I like it.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, well, it is time to play maybe a better game. One would consider to be that remains to be one of our favorites here on the program. It's time to play a little something called would you rather.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

If only intended theme song.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Oh, if only, but someday we will. Oh, my goodness.

[Werner Herzog]

It.

[Scott Aukerman]

Get off your phones.

The would you rather theme. Yes, it's long, but it's no excuse for you all to be on your phones. Put them down.

[Werner Herzog]

Please. Don't talk during the theme.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're right. You know what? When you're right, you're right. I'll shut up.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I like this part.

[Scott Aukerman]

Born in the 50s. All right, time to play. Would you rather we of course know how to play this? Michael, you know how to. What is that? Is Santa calling.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Santa anti?

[Santa Claus]

Oh, yeah. Hey, are you guys playing a game?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, yeah, we're playing. Would you rather.

[Santa Claus]

Oh, can I play too?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Oh, I would love for you to listen.

[Santa Claus]

I love games.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, what's your favorite game, Jack?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Thought you were gonna say reindeer games.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's his favorite movie.

[Santa Claus]

Boy, that would have been a. I wish I'd said that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Have you seen the movie reindeer games?

[Santa Claus]

Ask me how many times.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many times have you seen?

[Werner Herzog]

Once.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, not good.

[Santa Claus]

It was alright, you know, it's watchable.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mm.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

How many times have you seen hoop dreams, Santa?

[Santa Claus]

Oh, hoop dreams. You know what? It makes me cry every time, but I can't stop watching.

[Werner Herzog]

Good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is your favorite singer Kevin Rudolph?

[Santa Claus]

I don't even know who that is.

[Scott Aukerman]

Lil Wayne's guitarist.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Oh, little Wayne's guitarist is his favorite singer for his singing.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, he's sang two solo songs that I can think of.

[Santa Claus]

Okay, what are those songs? I'll check them out.

[Scott Aukerman]

Something about like we're going to start it or something like that.

[Santa Claus]

Sure. Memorable. Are they on Spotify?

[Scott Aukerman]

We're going to start it something like that. We're gonna start it rock. Oh, let it rock. Or something like that.

[Santa Claus]

Sounds pretty good.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yep. Check it out. You might like it.

[Santa Claus]

I'll make a note of it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Santa Claus]

I got an itunes gift card for Christmas. From who?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Me.

[Santa Claus]

Wait a minute.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're on the naughty list.

[Santa Claus]

Yeah. How about that?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Isn't that a shitty gift?

[Santa Claus]

Terrible.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Is it possible to make that in Your toy workshop? ITunes gift card, but they're not valid. I see.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

But I make a frustrated.

[Scott Aukerman]

What did you do to get on the naughty list? Or I guess you have been since you were born.

[Santa Claus]

Yeah. Original sin.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my goodness.

[Santa Claus]

It's not a good deal, is it?

[Scott Aukerman]

A lot like original sin that's derived from Cain and Abel.

[Santa Claus]

I feel like I'm taking up too much of the conversation. Wait, Cain and Abel?

[Scott Aukerman]

Isn't that the original sin? The first murder. Well, I guess there's. Adam and Eve did that was the original. Ate a bite of the. I don't consider that to be the original sin.

[Santa Claus]

That's not as bad as murder.

[Scott Aukerman]

No, I mean the first one.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

That's why Santa made up Christmas, because he felt so bad about how bad he was. He wanted to make something good in the world.

[Santa Claus]

That's why I made up Christmas.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

But listen, you know, God did say, specifically, don't eat the apple. He never told anybody not to murder.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, that's a good point. That's true.

[Santa Claus]

That had to be set down in stone sometime later, like, oh, God, guess what, guys? I also don't like that.

[Scott Aukerman]

Was God sort of like, oh, man, I forgot about the murder. I. I should have said something. All right. I'm not gonna punish you guys.

[Santa Claus]

I think he thought it was just understood.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it should be.

[Santa Claus]

They don't murder each other.

[Scott Aukerman]

What if murder was okay?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I'd love it.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is a good screenplay. Jean Claude, would you like to be in this?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

A screenplay in which murder was okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, no, it's the guy. The first line is, what if murder was okay? Yeah. And the second line is, hey, shut up. And then it has a different plot. I don't know what the plot is yet.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Well, keep working on it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Can I contact you when I please?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Absolutely, yes.

[Werner Herzog]

Very interesting. A very intriguing first exchange of dialogue.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, boy. I have an actor. I have a director on board. I have the plot, and I have.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

A. I have the plot.

[Scott Aukerman]

The plot.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

You need a plot.

[Werner Herzog]

Okay.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

You said it's not gonna be about that, Right? So really, it's about these puppies who all learn how to play soccer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? There's nothing in the rule book about that.

[Werner Herzog]

I know.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

That's what I mean. Crazy.

[Santa Claus]

There's also nothing in the rule book that says puppies can't murder. That's nowhere in the Bible.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true. Puppies are allowed to do anything.

[Werner Herzog]

The Bible is Just a handbook for human beings, not for animals.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true. Wow. What if puppies wanted to murder people? I wonder if.

[Santa Claus]

Who says they do?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, my gosh.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah.

[Santa Claus]

Santa, have you ever. Have you ever tried to have fun with a puppy and then it's gnawing on your hands and you're like, hey, take it easy, dude. I just want to pet you.

[Scott Aukerman]

100% of that is accurate to my life.

[Werner Herzog]

This is. I think Santa Claus is onto something.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I think he's on something.

[Werner Herzog]

I don't want to bring it back to me, but for the proof that nature hates us.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very good.

[Santa Claus]

Good one, Werner.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I like thinking of the Bible as a handbook.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think Penthouse is a handbook, if you know what I mean.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah, I do know what you mean.

[Scott Aukerman]

Use my hands when I read that. Yeah, me too.

[Santa Claus]

Oh, a double ho ho. That never happens.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, we all know Michael, you know how to play this. Of course. As a fan of the show, would you rather people send me would you rather scenarios to our Twitter, which is b b wyr only send them there? Please don't send them to my own personal Twitter, but if they can send them to your Twitter, they certainly are able, but it will do them no good because they'll be thrust upon the. Would you rather pile.

[Santa Claus]

Well, you never know till you try.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Okay, you'll read them, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, I certainly will read them. You have no choice and choose whether or not I will say them on this show.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Hey, read this tweet I just tweeted at you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, wait a minute. What is. Hold up. Ho, ho, ho, ho. I gotta follow you.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Please follow me. Follow me to hell.

[Werner Herzog]

Do you have a Twitter account? Ho ho.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Oh, yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

What is it? Ho, ho, elf, bleh. Ho, ho, elf bleh.

[Santa Claus]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Wow. Okay, fantastic. I'll start following you. Very good.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Really?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hoho, elf, blech. Yeah, and it's B, L E, C H. Yeah, sure. Okay. Hoho, elf blech. All right, so I'll read it out loud and we'll go from there. This comes to us From. From TechnicallyNotHere, aka.

Dedanja. Something like that. Dedanja asks, would you rather be the best surgeon ever, but bees rule the world or live in the biggest, most amazing treehouse as an immortal but never leave? Would you rather be the best surgeon ever but bees rule the world or live in the biggest, most amazing treehouse as an immortal but never leave? I'm opening the floor for questions.

[Santa Claus]

I have a question.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, Santa.

[Santa Claus]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Getting in early.

[Santa Claus]

Well, I like to Play.

In the scenario. What was the first one with the bees. Bees rule the world.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're just asking for clarification about the question.

[Santa Claus]

It's a two part question.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, yeah.

[Santa Claus]

First, what is it again?

[Scott Aukerman]

You're the best surgeon in the world, but bees rule the world.

[Santa Claus]

Okay, in that one, are bees benevolent rulers?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, they are not.

[Santa Claus]

Oh, follow up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Santa Claus]

Am I a good surgeon?

[Scott Aukerman]

You're the best surgeon. Do you mean good as a person? Well, are you on the good list?

[Santa Claus]

No. I mean, I'm the best surgeon, but am I any good at surgery?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, you're not.

[Santa Claus]

Yeah, that's the thing. Because I might be the best of.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're the best at it. Yeah. But no one is good at it.

[Santa Claus]

Oh, no.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Oh, I have a question also about the bees. I understand the bees are not benevolent rulers, but are they, in this scenario, more intelligent than bees are now you understand what I'm saying?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, as a matter of fact, they are exactly as intelligent as they are now, which is hyper intelligent. But they are. They're. Their bodies are now able to vocalize their intelligence. So they have mouths. They have tiny mouths.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Cute.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's kind of cute. But then they sting you on your little butt every day. Which is why they're not benevolent.

[Werner Herzog]

I have a question.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, Werner? Michael opened his mouth a bit. You gotta get in. You know what I mean? It's on me. It's my fault.

[Werner Herzog]

Okay. When they sting you, do they die? What kind of bees are they? Are they of the bumble variety? Are they yellow jackets?

[Scott Aukerman]

They are non bumble, so.

[Werner Herzog]

Yellow jackets.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yellow jackets. So they are able to sting and then keep living.

[Werner Herzog]

Why do they sting you? Just out of pure malice to try.

[Scott Aukerman]

To keep you down? Yes.

[Werner Herzog]

So are you only receiving the stings of these tyrant bees in response to some attempt at overthrow of the world government?

[Scott Aukerman]

No. Every citizen has to line up every single day to receive their stings. And actually that's more of the bummer is to be waiting in line for five hours waiting for the sting. The sting is kind of annoying.

[Werner Herzog]

I hate lines.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Have you ever been to Disneyland?

[Werner Herzog]

Yes, many times.

[Scott Aukerman]

How do I say that? Have you ever been to Disneyland?

[Werner Herzog]

I read between the lines.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you.

[Werner Herzog]

Of your sort of hillbilly expression.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Am I performing surgery on humans or on bees?

[Scott Aukerman]

You're performing on bee human hybrids. Yes. The bees have decided to make a hybrid race of bee human hybrids.

[Werner Herzog]

Is it a private.

[Scott Aukerman]

You gotta get in, Michael.

[Werner Herzog]

Is it a private practice or is it a sort of Obamacare situation?

[Scott Aukerman]

It's Obamacare Yeah, that's what makes. That's the worst part about the entire thing.

[Michael Abelson]

In the bee scenario.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes. Michael, finally in. Thank you. Very good.

[Michael Abelson]

I assume it's a monarchy. If bees rule the world with a queen bee, is there one ultimate queen bee that is ruling over the entire world?

[Scott Aukerman]

Or is it a monarchy or a matriarchy?

[Michael Abelson]

Well, it's a queen bee, so.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whoa, Santa, you getting another call.

And a text. Santa, your shit's blowing up.

[Santa Claus]

Sorry, I left my phone on in the background.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who's calling and texting you so much?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

That's his burner phone. Tell him who it was.

[Santa Claus]

It was Krampus.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, Krampus is blowing your shit up.

[Santa Claus]

Well, we. Here's the thing. We play Xbox Live and I kind of put the game on pause and I just forgot about it the whole time we've been doing this. Sorry, Kramps.

[Scott Aukerman]

Poor Kramps.

[Santa Claus]

Well, he's not a great guy, so don't feel too bad for him.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I love him.

[Santa Claus]

I know you do.

[Werner Herzog]

I do.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I like the idea of Santa being around with some bad guy who really, you know, I like that part.

[Scott Aukerman]

I think it's a good idea.

[Santa Claus]

Would you play me in a film?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I would love to play you in a film. Absolutely.

[Scott Aukerman]

The long lineage of Santa's. You have Dudley Moore, you have Tim Allen.

[Santa Claus]

Dudley Moore didn't play Santa. He played an elf. Who would cast Dudley Moore as Santa? Come on, man.

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. I didn't see it. I'm not sitting there.

[Santa Claus]

No, you didn't.

[Scott Aukerman]

I mean, I'm not like you. You probably have a good Google alert about your name.

[Santa Claus]

So what if I do? Oh, you don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

How many hits did you have today, Santa?

[Santa Claus]

But you know what? It's a lot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I bet it is.

[Santa Claus]

A lot of people want to know about Santa.

[Scott Aukerman]

A lot of. I bet. I bet it increases in December though. Or no.

[Santa Claus]

Yeah, I get more news hits in December.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

What's the second part of the question, bro? I forgot.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's a monarchy or however.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Oh, no, I mean yours. Oh, but you're asking.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

That was your.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah, I'm gonna be polite for once.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

That was your whole question. That was all you wanted.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is it a monarchy?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Is there one queen who rules all of the beasts? This is a good question. How is the system of government broken down? Is there one queen who runs everything? And are there regional queens?

[Scott Aukerman]

There's a parliament. Yes. Parliament. Yes. Tell us about Michael. What is the government there in England? How does that break?

[Michael Abelson]

I was wondering when you Would let me launch into a discussion of civics.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, finally, here we go.

[Werner Herzog]

And do you consider it a matriarchy or a monarchy?

[Michael Abelson]

It's a feminist utopia. In England we've got total gender equality. That thanks to the rule of a queen for nephew.

Exactly.

[Santa Claus]

So.

[Scott Aukerman]

The bees do wear the wigs on their heads, by the way.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Cute.

[Werner Herzog]

Thank you for clarifying.

[Michael Abelson]

I have a follow up question.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Michael Abelson]

Which is? What was the second scenario?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

That's my question.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay. The second scenario is you are immortal. You live in a treehouse, but you never leave.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

That sounds great.

[Michael Abelson]

How big is the treehouse?

[Scott Aukerman]

Great question. It is about the size of the earth. Oh.

[Werner Herzog]

Are you saying that you have the entire earth to yourself or an entire earth to yourself?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, it's not to yourself. You have several roommates. Everyone on earth.

[Michael Abelson]

Is the treehouse on the earth or is the size of the earth and it is.

[Scott Aukerman]

The size of. It is roughly 1 millimeter bigger than the earth around the circumference of the earth.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

That's in my life now.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's slightly bigger.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

It is in the trees.

[Michael Abelson]

Santa.

[Santa Claus]

That wasn't me.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

But it is in the house. Is in the trees.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's in the trees? Yes.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

You cannot go down to the earth level. You can.

[Scott Aukerman]

No. This is a future where the earth is covered by trees. There's no ocean anymore. Oh.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Because the moon has not.

[Scott Aukerman]

The moon took back their tears. Yes. Yes.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Fascinating. Fascinating.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

That was my prom theme. Take back your tears.

[Scott Aukerman]

When did you go to prom?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

One time.

[Scott Aukerman]

How old were you?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

1985.

[Scott Aukerman]

1985. That's when I went to prom. Cool.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Maybe I saw you there. I was in the pub. Punch ball. Doing backstroke.

[Werner Herzog]

This treehouse.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Werner Herzog]

Am I the only one who never leaves? Or do other people go down to this ocean?

[Scott Aukerman]

This earth, one person braves to go down into the oceanless earth.

[Werner Herzog]

Who is this person?

[Scott Aukerman]

This person is Santa Claus. What? That's right.

[Werner Herzog]

Santa. Like the one we're talking to now.

[Scott Aukerman]

The one we're talking to now? Yes.

[Santa Claus]

How did I get dragged into this?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well. Well, I mean, there's gotta be a Santa Claus on this alternate universe.

[Santa Claus]

Well, I can't fault you. There doesn't.

[Scott Aukerman]

There have to be a Santa Claus everywhere. I can't imagine a universe or a parallel dimension where there is no Santa Claus.

[Santa Claus]

There's only one.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's only a Santa Claus on our Earth.

[Santa Claus]

No, no. Dumb, dumb. There's only one alternate universe.

[Michael Abelson]

Shut up.

[Santa Claus]

Well, you're not paying attention to what you're even saying.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

He's been hanging out with me too long, Blake.

[Santa Claus]

There's only one alternate universe where there is no thing such Santa Claus.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's only an Earth 2. What? No. Oh, there's only one. There's an infinite amount of ultra driving me crazy. Santa, guess what?

[Santa Claus]

Ho ho's gonna pay you a visit this year.

[Scott Aukerman]

Really? She's already paid me two this year.

[Santa Claus]

No, but I mean like in your home.

[Scott Aukerman]

Home.

[Santa Claus]

It's gonna be fucked up.

[Scott Aukerman]

Santa, why are you cursing me?

[Santa Claus]

Mad?

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you are on the naughty list.

[Werner Herzog]

If I may.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, Ferner?

[Werner Herzog]

Who is this? So this Santa Claus is the only. Or he lives in the treehouse.

[Scott Aukerman]

He lives in the treehouse.

[Werner Herzog]

Me and my roommates in the North.

[Scott Aukerman]

Pole area of the treehouse.

[Werner Herzog]

How many? How many how? How many citizens of Earth exist in this scenario?

[Scott Aukerman]

16 billion.

[Werner Herzog]

That's a lot of people. That's.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Werner Herzog]

And do we all know each other?

[Scott Aukerman]

Certainly you've all met each other.

[Werner Herzog]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, you all have to split the utilities and the rent, so you have.

[Werner Herzog]

To have the rent too.

[Michael Abelson]

Do you have to have awkward house meetings with everyone?

[Werner Herzog]

Hold on a second. Sorry, I didn't get an answer to my question.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but you know, this is how you play the game. He jumped in.

[Werner Herzog]

The son of Abel. I didn't realize part of the game was that you could jump in before the other person.

[Scott Aukerman]

Of course, no one has ever played that way. But that is how we play. If you jump in and ask your own question before an answer.

[Werner Herzog]

That's good to know. Yeah.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Is the honey really good?

[Scott Aukerman]

See, I have a question. Oh yes.

[Werner Herzog]

My. Same question as before.

[Santa Claus]

Who are we paying the rent?

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, well, no one else is jumping in. Amazing. You guys are all being so polite.

[Werner Herzog]

I feel as if you're encouraging them to jump in as a breach of ethics.

[Michael Abelson]

Are we paying the rent to the bees? Do the bees rule the world in both scenarios?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Are we inside or outside in the tree house? If it's the whole size of the earth, is it all indoors?

[Santa Claus]

Do I have to give Christmas presents to a bunch of goddamn bees?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Is anyone else immortal or do you watch all of your friends? Friends die.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Can I give stingers an add on attachment? Make it long and get everyone from.

[Werner Herzog]

Far away is all organic peanut butter still you have to stir it.

[Michael Abelson]

Will the questions be answered in the order they were given or the order.

[Scott Aukerman]

And I'm closing the floor for questions. Is milk.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

There's milk there. Is milk there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Amazing. Wow. You all asked so many questions. I never got to answer any of them.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I was really curious.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, we're gonna have to vote. Amazing. I'm gonna go over here to Werner Herzog first. How do you like to vote? How do you like to vote?

[Werner Herzog]

I like to. In general, I like to vote standing up with my eyes closed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Do so then I have done it. Very good. All right. Would you do it out loud though, please, as to further the game on this end?

[Werner Herzog]

Yes, certainly. I vote for the. The scenario in which we all live above the trees.

[Scott Aukerman]

Above the trees. Very good. In the treehouse. And you're immortal even though you watch all of your friends die?

[Werner Herzog]

Yes. That idea does not seem entirely unpleasant to me.

[Michael Abelson]

Really?

[Werner Herzog]

Well, because I am still living.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, so you want to be. The idea of immortality appeals to you.

[Werner Herzog]

Right. I feel as if I would watch far more strangers and enemies die than friends. So it all balances out for me.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, very good. And I mean, your work is already immortal, so why shouldn't the man be Dunkuchene? Very good. All right, moving on to Jean Claude Pepit.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Yes, I have a long standing fantasy of being ruled by bees anyway, so I will take the tree house, please.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Oh, Santa, what is going on?

[Santa Claus]

I was trying. I was trying to turn my ringer off, but I. Santa triggered it.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

His mind doesn't understand what he's doing with that phone.

[Santa Claus]

I didn't realize if the ringer was off and then you turned up the volume of the rigger that it would demonstrate that down the volume.

[Scott Aukerman]

Who gave you that phone? Who gives Santa things?

[Santa Claus]

Mrs. Claus.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mrs. Claus gives you gifts?

[Santa Claus]

Oh, yeah. I'm hard to shop for, too.

[Scott Aukerman]

I bet you make everything in there.

[Santa Claus]

Yeah.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Do you?

[Santa Claus]

The first few years we were together, she got me a lot of little wooden horses and I was like. I don't know how to tell you this, honey, but no thanks.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jean Claude, you had something to say?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I was just going to ask if you knew about the button on the side of the phone.

[Santa Claus]

You know what?

[Scott Aukerman]

That's the most prominent one.

[Santa Claus]

I realized my mistake.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Yeah, that's really the easy way to put on the ringer.

[Santa Claus]

Okay, you made your point.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, Jaguar, Jeez, phone expert over here. So you have a long standing fantasy of being ruled by B. So you're going to pick the scenario in which you are not ruled by B.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

There is nothing wrong in the treehouse one Having your fantasies come true.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, very good. I understand. Michael, how are you voting?

[Michael Abelson]

I've never really had roommates and it sounds like it would be awkward, especially if it's everyone on earth is your roommate.

[Scott Aukerman]

Kind of an odd couple. Situation. Exactly.

[Michael Abelson]

Exactly. People will constantly be stealing things from the fridge.

[Scott Aukerman]

And what if you want to, like, put masking tape down the center of the earth? You know, like, oh, this is my side. This is your side.

[Michael Abelson]

It's the population of the.

[Scott Aukerman]

Damn it. Oh, you're asking quite. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to dock you points there. I'm gonna have to dock you 5 million 683 points.

[Michael Abelson]

It's a fair cop.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Yep.

[Michael Abelson]

So I would not go for the treehouse scenario. By contrast, I'm comfortable with a monarchy and a matriarchy, and so I will go with being ruled by b.

[Scott Aukerman]

Being ruled by bees. Fantastic. All right, so best surgeon ever. Yeah, as a matter of fact, a terrible one, though. All right, very good.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

But there's a bit of a problem because I am the best surgeon ever in.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, yes, because we're both being ruled by bees. Well, you're occupying separate, almost identical parallel universes, except the only minor difference is that the.

The Sleepy Hollow does not exist in them, of course. In either one of these places. In either one of these places. Right, right. And you.

[Werner Herzog]

You mean the book, not the television show?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, of course the television show does. Yes.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

But there's one where I am the best surgeon, and there's another one where he is the best surgeon, and everything else about him is the same.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Michael Abelson]

Was it a question?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

It was not a question.

[Santa Claus]

It was not a question.

[Scott Aukerman]

I'm afraid I'm going to. Oh, Crowd. It was a statement. It was a statement.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I was very careful.

[Scott Aukerman]

You didn't go up at the end of the sentence.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Yes, precisely right.

[Scott Aukerman]

But I think it may have to do just with your accent.

[Michael Abelson]

I'm glad we're all overlooking the fact that I said. Was that a question?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh.

Boy. I'm gonna. You know what? Because you're such a scoffle and such a bad boy with your throwing money around in your leather jacket, I'm gonna award you 5 million 684 points. So. Well, all right. You're at one point right now, and the rest of you are at zero.

[Werner Herzog]

It pays to be honest. Yep.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Ho, ho. How do you like. How are you voting?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I want to vote for. Vote, vote, vote, vote. Well, I'm already immortal, and I already live on Earth, so I choose that one because I like my life.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, so the treehouse. Yeah. Do you live in a treehouse? Currently? No. I know you sleep on a dollar bill in the North Pole in Santa's vest, but that begs the question, does Santa live In a treehouse.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I'll never tell you. Hey, shut up, all right?

[Santa Claus]

I mean, fun's fun, but I don't live in a treehouse, guys. Come on.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, I'm sorry to cast any kind.

[Santa Claus]

Of, like a nice, big gingerbread type.

[Scott Aukerman]

House with a gingerbread type or gingerbread.

[Santa Claus]

Well, I mean, it's not made out of gingerbread. That's ridiculous. It looks like it freeze to death. It looks like gingerbread.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mm.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

But I can eat it.

[Santa Claus]

Big giant candy cane looking thing out in the front.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Looks like my dick.

[Santa Claus]

It's a. Oh, come on.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I don't know why you could not insulate a gingerbread house. A house that was really made of gingerbread with frosting.

[Santa Claus]

Hey, dude, it's the North Pole.

[Scott Aukerman]

Santa, you say dude. This is the second time you said it.

[Santa Claus]

My buttons.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, Santa, how are you voting?

[Santa Claus]

Yeah, I think I'm gonna go with the surgeon one. Because if I'm operating on people and bees and human bee hybrids, like, here's my thing. If somebody could give me a Christmas present, it would be to be able to see inside a human body or an insect body. I just want to cut stuff open. Look at all them guts. You know what I'm saying?

[Scott Aukerman]

All dem guts. Yeah, because you see into the minds and the hearts of young little boys and girls. But you've never cut any of them open, have you?

[Santa Claus]

Yeah, I want to cut people open. I wanted to see what's in there. Just the goop and the gore and.

[Scott Aukerman]

You'Re all right with the book Sleepy Hollow not existing?

[Santa Claus]

Yeah, I'm cool with that. I mean, the TV show exists, right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah.

[Santa Claus]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay.

[Santa Claus]

You know, they took that mid season break and they're finally just back.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, thank goodness.

[Santa Claus]

Oh, I love it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you should appear on it on Sleepy Hollow. Yeah, well, I mean, you've been on Doctor who.

[Santa Claus]

It's a bit off brand for me.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's true.

[Santa Claus]

It's not for kids.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, Sleepy Hollows.

[Werner Herzog]

True.

[Santa Claus]

Yeah, it gets pretty grisly.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, I think it's.

[Santa Claus]

I mean, that's what I like about it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, it's tv.

All right, well, it looks like. Let's see. We have three votes. No. Werner, what did you vote for again?

[Werner Herzog]

I voted for the Treehouse.

[Scott Aukerman]

The Treehouse. We have three votes for the bees, two for the trees. All right, this is a tight, tight game, but it looks like because none of you are awarded any points for your vote, it looks like at one point, Michael Abelson, you are a winner. Congratulations. Fantastic. That's how we play Would you rather.

[Santa Claus]

What a bunch of bullshit Santa.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dude.

[Santa Claus]

Not fair.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Not fair.

[Scott Aukerman]

Whatever, bro.

Dude and bro.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah.

[Michael Abelson]

Please don't talk during the. Would you rather end theme?

[Scott Aukerman]

I've never established that you can't talk during the end theme. Come on.

[Michael Abelson]

That's a fair point.

[Scott Aukerman]

Come on, Michael.

[Santa Claus]

Trying to show off a company.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

The exterior could be gingerbread. You know, Even if every other part of it.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jean Claude, get off of it.

[Santa Claus]

It's food. It's not gonna survive the climate of the north fucking Pole.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

That's absurd. Where you put things in refrigerator, do you? I'm to help them survive. I think the cookies would be fine.

[Santa Claus]

I think there's kind of a difference between the bridge at home and the fucking North Pole.

[Scott Aukerman]

And there's no wildlife.

[Santa Claus]

I'm just an immortal creature who lives there.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's no wildlife in your fridge to nibble on these walls.

[Santa Claus]

Good one, Scott. Thanks for backing me up, okay?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you're welcome. He sounds sarcastic.

[Santa Claus]

I'm being sarcastic.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, why are you being so sarcastic? I am backing you up, you son of a bitch.

[Santa Claus]

How much wildlife do you think is eating gingerbread at the North Pole?

[Scott Aukerman]

I don't know. A fucking raccoon or something.

[Werner Herzog]

A raccoo.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Fight. Fight.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

A snow raccoon.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh. Oh, come on.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

How?

[Scott Aukerman]

How?

[Santa Claus]

Okay.

[Scott Aukerman]

I would fight you. Why don't you come down here?

[Santa Claus]

Oh, I'll fucking fight you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Why don't you get down here right now? Take your goddamn stupid sleigh with your stupid reindeer dasher dancer and all that. I'll throw up the sash and I'll kick your fucking ass with it.

[Santa Claus]

Okay. Make sure you got your nightcap on. Cause here I come. I'm hanging up right now.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay, all right. Very good. I can't wait for Santa to show up.

[Werner Herzog]

That seems like a mistake.

[Scott Aukerman]

You think so? Really does.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

He's almost here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ho ho. Does he have special powers of any sort?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Uh, yes.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Oh, shit. Well, the fact that he cannot die will make him fearless in a fight.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh no.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

He has nothing to lose.

[Scott Aukerman]

I didn't think about that. He can't even die for murder.

[Werner Herzog]

He also very well padded with all of his layers and layers of fat.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, I didn't think about this. I wonder if I can get out of this fight. Oh, shit.

[Santa Claus]

No.

[Scott Aukerman]

Nobody in here.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Of course it took him no time at all.

[Santa Claus]

Look at this candy ass.

You want to fight Santa? Is that what I heard over FaceTime? Cuz I'm ready to go, broph.

[Scott Aukerman]

Santa.

[Santa Claus]

Santa.

[Scott Aukerman]

Santa. I I, I, I, I, I think that we Had a bad connection. You certainly didn't hear. You thought you heard.

[Santa Claus]

Let's see if this is a bad connection.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, God. Yeah.

[Santa Claus]

How do you like it?

[Scott Aukerman]

Am I.

[Santa Claus]

Is this connecting?

[Scott Aukerman]

Am I connecting with you, Santa?

[Santa Claus]

Ho, ho.

[Scott Aukerman]

Save me.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Oh, yeah, right. Watch this. Hiya.

[Santa Claus]

That's right. Ho, ho. Get in there.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jean Claude, why are you joining in?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Well, it's just that I have this important shoot tomorrow for Geico and I don't want to get to risk being bruised.

[Santa Claus]

Everyone named Jean Claude likes to fight.

[Scott Aukerman]

And to Abelson, why are you throwing punches?

[Michael Abelson]

But listen, if you need a personal injury, Laura, when it's all done, I'd be happy to help you out.

[Scott Aukerman]

That's not your field.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Die, Die, die, die.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Oh, it does not feel good to just stand here and watch a man be beat to death by Santa Claus and an elf. But I don't see that I have a better option.

[Scott Aukerman]

And an English person. Three mythical creatures. Werner, what are you doing?

[Werner Herzog]

I am recording all of this.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is this your next film? Like Grizzly Man?

[Werner Herzog]

Fingers crossed.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, God, this is terrible.

[Santa Claus]

Had enough?

[Scott Aukerman]

I think I have.

[Santa Claus]

All right. Remember that next time.

[Scott Aukerman]

And Santa, I'm sorry.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

See you at home.

[Scott Aukerman]

Santa. Why did you throw three dollar bills down at me on the ground?

[Santa Claus]

Hey, what am I doing? What am I doing right now?

[Scott Aukerman]

You're touching your.

[Santa Claus]

I'm laying a finger aside of my nose. Goodbye.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, through the door. Yeah, thanks. Yeah.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I love him.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I don't feel quite as good about him roaming around in my house at night. Now that I know that he is so quick to violence, I'm not going.

[Scott Aukerman]

To be luring him with milk and cookies any longer.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Absolutely not.

[Werner Herzog]

What a curious interlude.

[Scott Aukerman]

It certainly was.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

That was interesting.

[Scott Aukerman]

One for the ages. Well, guys, we just have one thing left to do here on the show, and that's a little something called plugs.

[Santa Claus]

Listen, everybody, to my boy Salzerman. His guests are here and they're quite awesome.

[Scott Aukerman]

Off your phones.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I want those.

[Scott Aukerman]

Let me hear those.

I want to hear.

Let me hear those.

I want to hear them.

[Santa Claus]

Big Matthew coming at your plugs.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ooh, baby. Michael, what do you think of that?

[Michael Abelson]

I thought it was excellent.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah. Have you ever submitted a plugs theme?

[Michael Abelson]

I have not.

[Scott Aukerman]

Seems like that would be a cheaper way to get on the show.

[Michael Abelson]

I am not creatively talented, as I think we've all learned today.

[Scott Aukerman]

You've been fantastic.

[Michael Abelson]

Oh, thank you very much.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was, of course, Big Bang Theory coming at you by Leo Volf. Leo Volf. Fantastic. And it's time for plugs.

[Werner Herzog]

And this is.

[Scott Aukerman]

This is exciting. Of course, we're second week of Marr and so who do we want to start with? Let's see. Let's start with Jean Claude Papille.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Oh, thank you. Yes. I have two films coming out this season. I have a drama, a very sad film called Nothing is Good, and I have a comedy called the Person's Nose and that is coming out as well.

[Scott Aukerman]

It's the plot of the person's Nose. The person's Nose, yes. It's fascinating.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

It is told from the point of view of a nose on a person's face. Yes. Everything is shot from the perspective of this nose.

[Scott Aukerman]

So it's almost like the POV of a person, just eyes. Because it's not that far removed from the nose, is it? Slightly more down.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

It's very, very different. You have to see in the film, everyone looks.

[Scott Aukerman]

You know how you can kind of see your nose if you have a big enough schnoz like I do, you can kind of see it through your nose.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

You can see it a little bit. Yes. And likewise the nose can sometimes see the eyes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

But this is a film in which it is an extraordinary nose and everyone is wanting to. To get right up to it and speak to it and all this. And it's a wonderful, hilarious comedy because it is about a person's.

[Scott Aukerman]

And how are you doing research for this film?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

For this film? Well, I am playing a nose doctor who is, of course, very involved with.

[Scott Aukerman]

The nose, a rhinoplasty and the like. Plastic surgeon. Or. Or just a nose doctor, meaning that an ent.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Maybe this is a translation issue, because I am playing a nose doctor.

[Scott Aukerman]

And what do you do for the noses?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Because whatever the nose needs, if the nose is. Is injured, I will have here in America.

[Scott Aukerman]

There's ents, is ears, nose, throat. They. You don't just cover a nose.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

You. That's ridiculous. You cannot expect one person to be an expert in any ear and a nose and a throat. Okay, this is absurd. There are three different things, okay? And yet not the eyes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or if you count, you know, not.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

The cheeks, not the forehead, two ears. It doesn't make any sense. But anyway, I'm playing a nose doctor.

[Werner Herzog]

And so not counting the nostrils individually.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, I get. Okay, six things. If you count the nostrils as well, five things. Well, you have the nose, both ears, nostril, nostril, throat, Nostril, nostril, six.

[Werner Herzog]

So you're saying the whole nose, then the individual nostrils, the two ears.

[Scott Aukerman]

Two ears and the throat. That's Six things right there, my friends. Boom shakalakalaka.

[Werner Herzog]

I'm glad to find that we are friends.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

I have a historical epic called the Coal Stoning about someone who is stoned to death with coal.

[Scott Aukerman]

And very cool.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

And, of course, look out for Geico.

[Scott Aukerman]

Are you saying the thing you're filming or just look out for Geico.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Look out for my epic film Geico.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very good. All right. Ho, ho. What do you have to play?

Wow, you seem to have run out of energy.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

No, no, no, no, no, I didn't. My favorite thing right now is with special guest Lauren Lapp. It's the podcast. I put it in my ear holes when I'm flying through the tsa, hoping to get caught going on my trips with all my knives and guns.

[Scott Aukerman]

Mmm. And this comes out weekly, I would assume every Friday. Yeah.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Yeah.

[Scott Aukerman]

Every fucking week.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Every fucking Friday.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very good. And that's all you have to plug.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

And follow orenlapkis on Twitter. Why not?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Bleh, bleh.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

I don't give a shit.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. Very good. Werner.

[Werner Herzog]

I would like to. To promote cement. The.

[Scott Aukerman]

The concept of cement or the.

[Werner Herzog]

Not the concept, but the physical substance.

[Scott Aukerman]

That is in its totality across the universe or one particular portion of it, like a brand. Sure.

[Santa Claus]

Or.

[Scott Aukerman]

Or one place that you've seen, I guess, Vicksburg cement. Okay.

[Werner Herzog]

It's a good. It's a good brand.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. Very good.

[Werner Herzog]

And I think that you will agree it is. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm getting a FaceTime.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, great. Who is this here?

[Werner Herzog]

Oh, it's a comedian. Paul F. Tompkins.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, okay.

[Michael Abelson]

Paul.

[Santa Claus]

Hey.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey, Paul.

[Werner Herzog]

You guys hear me?

[Scott Aukerman]

Hey. Yeah. I haven't seen you in a while.

[Werner Herzog]

I know.

[Scott Aukerman]

In a while.

[Werner Herzog]

In a while.

[Scott Aukerman]

Remember how we did fun jokes over here? Yeah, that was fun. Do I do the Cantina theme or no? No, thanks. I'll pass.

[Werner Herzog]

Okay.

[Michael Abelson]

I would very much enjoy hearing the Cantina theme.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Born in the 50s.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

All right.

[Werner Herzog]

I was. I was honored.

[Scott Aukerman]

Is that all you called for?

[Santa Claus]

No, no.

[Werner Herzog]

I was honored to fulfill that request.

[Scott Aukerman]

For Michael Abelson, Andrew Lloyd Webber. Listen, it's Michael Abelson. I think you've.

[Werner Herzog]

I feel like you're doing plugs. Are you?

[Scott Aukerman]

We are doing plugs. Yeah. You called right? At the end of the show. Of course.

[Werner Herzog]

Can I plug my TV show?

[Scott Aukerman]

No, you shut up.

[Werner Herzog]

On the Fusion network.

[Scott Aukerman]

Never seen that.

[Werner Herzog]

I know because I never got that congratulatory text for my good work. But listen, it's on Fusion Thursdays, Thursday nights, and if you don't have Fusion or you missed the show. You can watch it the following week. We post full episodes online, but Only on Thursdays. Fusion.net, thursdays. That's right.

[Scott Aukerman]

You post them on Thursdays. People can only watch on Thursdays new episodes. Now they can watch. Once they're there, they're fucking there forever.

[Werner Herzog]

But they go up on Thursdays.

[Scott Aukerman]

How do they make any money doing that?

[Ho Ho the Elf]

They don't.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, good.

[Werner Herzog]

They're doing it out of the goodness of their hearts. Good. Um, so that's know you shut up. You can get [e-mail] or on YouTube. It's on YouTube.

[Scott Aukerman]

Q tube.

[Werner Herzog]

Go to my YouTube channel. You'll see a playlist of all the full episodes.

[Scott Aukerman]

Well, this is fun. Also, I do a web series called.

[Werner Herzog]

Speakeasy that no one watches, called Speak Easy with fallout Arms. And boy, if one person would watch it, we would double our viewership.

[Scott Aukerman]

I've heard of a speakeasy show, though. Yeah, the one that Rolling Stone is doing. Yeah. Fuck them.

[Werner Herzog]

Fuck you, Rolling Stone and American Public Television for not checking to see if there was any other thing.

[Scott Aukerman]

To be fair, though, did you copyright it within recorded media?

I mailed it to myself. Okay.

[Werner Herzog]

Anyway.

[Santa Claus]

What?

[Scott Aukerman]

You're breaking up, Paul? You're breaking up, Paul? Sorry, we gotta hang up on him.

[Werner Herzog]

He's gone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Dead probably.

[Werner Herzog]

Okay. So don't bother watching those shows.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, very good. Let's see. Be very ghoulish watching a corpse, you.

[Werner Herzog]

Knowing that he is dead.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, but. Oh. These were the last recorded events before his death.

[Werner Herzog]

You must never listen to these shows.

[Scott Aukerman]

Gross. All right, I want to plug the comedy Bang Bang TV show. Coming up this week we have a very special episode. Zach Galifianakis is on the couch. And this is our very special episode. I don't want to tip it for.

[Werner Herzog]

You, but very special in that it is very serious. It's not.

Someone gets addicted to pills.

[Scott Aukerman]

It is our. I will say it's our dream episode. So enjoy that. Tears for Fears also on the show. Really? Yes. Friday, 11:00pm on IFC. Yes.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Jean Claude, I think that's wonderful. Tears for Fears.

[Scott Aukerman]

Big tears for fears.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

You got the roller dozen ball together with the other guy. Really? For real?

[Scott Aukerman]

Together with Curse Smith? Yes, of course. For real. Yes.

[Santa Claus]

Is that right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

That's fantastic. I'm gonna watch that.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Happens when I'm head over heels. How bad?

[Scott Aukerman]

The original lyrics. Every Friday at 11:00pm of course. This is our tenth episode, which means we're going to take a couple weeks in reruns. But still watch those and then. But watch this Friday. This is a. This literally is mine in the network's favorite episode that we've done.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Listen, that's a big deal. You've got Tears for Fears.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

That's the first thing I have heard all day, that I have been impressed.

[Scott Aukerman]

You're a 55 year old man.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

That's fantastic. I love Tears for Fears.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right, and now we've come to our guest of honor.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Songs from the big Terry, Mike.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yes, of course. Michael Abelson. This is your chance to plug anything you have going on. Your business, you as a person, your website, your email address, your. Your Tinder profile, any banks you feel.

[Werner Herzog]

People should be supporting or staying away from. I can't imagine that is the case.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you. What do you. What do you have to plug?

[Michael Abelson]

You know what? I would like to make a plug for the earwolf engineers because they don't deserve it. I'm a huge fan of all the podcasts here. I know they wouldn't get done without a huge amount of behind the scenes work. And so thank you very much to all of you guys. It's very much appreciated.

[Scott Aukerman]

Engineer Cody. Cody over here on the ones and twos, turning up his own mic. Is that what that was?

[Werner Herzog]

But not speaking into.

[Scott Aukerman]

Yeah, you just turned it up and stared at it. Go ahead, have your day in the sun.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, boy.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Whoa.

[Scott Aukerman]

That was like two thirds of an Elvis.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

That was pretty good.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Thank you. Thank you very much.

[Scott Aukerman]

And that's all you're plugging. You don't want to plug your.

[Michael Abelson]

I'll also make a general plug just for the concept of litigation. I would encourage the people of the world.

[Scott Aukerman]

More losses.

[Michael Abelson]

Just continue suing each other. If you don't think you've got what's coming to you, sue someone.

[Scott Aukerman]

Very good. Are you on Twitter?

[Michael Abelson]

I am not. I have registered ichaelabelson just so no one else can take it, which I think was a wise move.

[Scott Aukerman]

So everyone, Twitter bomb. Michael here sent him a lot of messages, let him know he did a good job and that let's close up.

[Michael Abelson]

The old plug back.

[Scott Aukerman]

What do you say?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Closing up the plug.

That's a good song. That's a good song.

[Scott Aukerman]

That is a good song.

Oh, I guess we didn't have the. That song's okay today. Oh, well. But now we have black on top of it. All right, guys, I want to thank you one by one. Werner, thank you so much for being here. I wish you would have jumped in and defended me with Santa.

[Werner Herzog]

I felt it was important to capture it on film in case there was litigation. Right?

[Scott Aukerman]

Very good, very good. And ho, ho, thanks for coming. I guess we never did figure out exactly what makes you float away.

Ah, it's gone.

Oh, my goodness.

[Werner Herzog]

What an unfortunate trigger to have it be the thing you want to happen to her or him.

[Scott Aukerman]

Jean Claude Papis, it's so nice to meet you.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

It's wonderful to be here. Thank you so much. Bonsoir. Bonsoir. Bonsoir.

[Scott Aukerman]

Ah, very good. Right to the very end.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

This was a gift for my children. Don't laugh.

[Scott Aukerman]

Writing character. Why are you pointing at that?

[Jean Claude Pepit]

Nothing.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

That was being laughed at.

[Scott Aukerman]

And Michael Abelson, thank you so much.

It meant a lot to coolop for you to donate that money. Thank you so much for that and thank you for being a fan of the show and thank you for fitting into this so well.

[Michael Abelson]

It was truly overwhelming to be here.

[Scott Aukerman]

Thank you very much and thank you for requesting all these people here that are here in the room, even the ones who have left. What are you guys talking about? While I'm thanking our guest who paid a lot of God damn money to be. What are you mumbling about?

[Santa Claus]

Do I need to come in?

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, Santa, no. All right, wait. Not to me. Maybe to these guys.

[Santa Claus]

I'll kick the shit out of every one of you.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay? All right, all right.

[Santa Claus]

Thank you.

[Scott Aukerman]

All right. But Michael, Michael, thank you so much. I'm sorry you're on the naughty list, but I kind of had a feeling. Yeah, but where does your life go from here?

[Michael Abelson]

That's a very good question. And I assume that I'll be a recurring guest, so I'll let people know next time.

[Scott Aukerman]

Open door policy.

[Michael Abelson]

Exactly.

[Jean Claude Pepit]

So you know that origin, thorough story thing was. I see.

[Scott Aukerman]

Scam, right? Yeah. There's no movie.

[Michael Abelson]

I should give you a card, Scott.

[Scott Aukerman]

Okay. To defend against all the lawsuits that'll be impending. All right, well, guys, thank you so much. This is a fun show, show, show. And we'll see you next time on.

Podcast. No, we'll see you next time. Thanks, everyone.

[Werner Herzog]

Bye.

[Commercial Announcer]

As the daughter of immigrants, financial struggles were part of my everyday reality.

[Scott Aukerman]

In high school, I became homeless and.

[Commercial Announcer]

Had to live in a women's shelter. Thankfully, being an Apia McDonald Scholar enabled me to attend college and begin a new chapter in my life. And now my reality is filled with endless possibilities.

[Scott Aukerman]

McDonald's has awarded nearly $4 million through Apia scholars to support students. Learn [e-mail].

Hey, it's Chris K. From Target.

[Michael Abelson]

Wishing you and yours A very merry Christmas.

[Scott Aukerman]

Hit it.

Dasher. Give me some Jingle Bells.

[Santa Claus]

Dancer.

[Scott Aukerman]

Prancer. Let's hear a beat.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

And mouse chorus.

[Scott Aukerman]

Oh, it's a beautiful job, everybody.

[Santa Claus]

Alright now bring it home.

[Scott Aukerman]

Happy Halloween holidays, everybody.

[Commercial Announcer]

Clorox Toilet Wand. It's all in one. Clorox Toilet Wand. It's all in one.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

Hey, what does all in one mean?

[Commercial Announcer]

The Caddy, the wand, the Preloaded Pad.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

There's a cleaner in there.

[Commercial Announcer]

Inside the pad.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

So Clorox Toilet Wand is all I need to clean a toilet?

[Commercial Announcer]

You don't need a bottle of solution.

[Ho Ho the Elf]

To get into this toilet revolution.

[Scott Aukerman]

Clorox Clean Feels good. Use as directed.