Smut, Meme, Sting (Langston Kerman, Patty Guggenheim, Neil Campbell)

Summary

Comedy Bang Bang: “Smut, Meme, Sting”

Podcast: Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast
Host: Scott Aukerman
Guests: Langston Kerman, Patty Guggenheim, Neil Campbell
Original Air Date: March 16, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode brings the signature CBB madness, blending celebrity reminiscing, festival plugs, absurd character bits, and improvised world-building. Host Scott Aukerman welcomes comedian Langston Kerman to celebrate the tenth anniversary of their Oscar-writing adventure, explore showbiz woes, and unleash a flurry of rapidfire wit. Later, Patty Guggenheim and Neil Campbell drop in as the delightfully eccentric characters Gwimper Sandbag and Willie Ward—a restaurant manager and a lovelorn drug lord, respectively—leading to a zany improv set-piece which cheekily satirizes LA culture, culinary fads, and the true meaning of love (and wet chicken salad).

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Catchphrase Shenanigans & Anniversary Reflections

[01:15 – 10:25]

• Scott launches with a submitted catchphrase: “A Bjork in the hand is worth two in Kate Bush.”
• Langston introduces his own intentionally convoluted catchphrase:

  “Listen up, face, don’t in my trunk and call it a traveling toilet.” ([02:04])

• They reflect on the 10-year anniversary of writing for the Oscars together.
  • Both reminisce about the peculiar, high-pressure experience of joke-writing for Chris Rock the year of #OscarsSoWhite.
  • Langston humorously laments not getting a single line on air, whereas Scott claims at least a bit of credit:

    “I got the wording of one joke, if not the joke itself.” ([04:15])

  • The absurdity of tuxedo rentals and Langston’s regrettable tux purchase, worn “upwards of three, less than four” times. ([06:25])
  • Joke about returning in ten years for the 20th anniversary and a recurring bit about only writing together as “separately paid, non-collaborative partners.” ([08:39])

Notable Quotes:

“You and I will only do [Oscars writing] again if we do it together… you have to pay us separately. We’re not a team. We ain’t a team, baby. We barely collaborate.” – Scott & Langston ([08:39])

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2. Showbiz Life & Festival Plugs

[10:25 – 17:20]

• Scott quizzes Langston about post-Oscars career moments, jokingly misremembering show titles and teasing his credits.
  • Shoutouts to “Insecure” and “Bust Down.”
• Langston promotes his upcoming stand-up show at LA’s Elysian Theater as part of the Netflix is a Joke Festival, poking fun at the festival’s self-deprecating name and the state of streaming entertainment.
• Lampooning stand-up streaming culture and “gorgeous video” podcasts:
  • “Gorgeous video. You think YouTube’s gorgeous, but… not a cutie patootie in the bunch, but the video couldn’t be crisper.” – Langston & Scott ([14:31])
• Mock contest: Langston pretends to offer fans a chance for an all-expenses-paid trip to see his show, with “red carpet” perks and only the vaguest of promised details. ([18:10])

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3. Restaurant Manager Character Chaos (Gwimper Sandbag)

[30:49 – 50:24]

• Patty Guggenheim enters as Gwimper Sandbag, idiosyncratic manager of the enigmatic LA hot-spot “Mama Padre” (and ex–Olive Garden employee).
  • Absurd “pasta jail” policy:

    “You have to wait 15 minutes to order your pasta.” ([31:43])

  • Dress code shenanigans: diners must don house-supplied, sometimes “silly” jackets (courtesy of an adjoining Burlington Goat Factory), and folding-limb requirements for certain tables (“sitting on your legs”—but not “crisscross applesauce”).
  • Menu highlights:
    • “Wet wet chicken salad” (slips off both fork and spoon)
    • “Wet” cuisine touted as a digestive aid:

      “People come to me after their colonoscopy and say, my stuff’s never looked better because of all that wet wet slipping down.” – Gwimper ([47:27])

  • Celebrity clientele brags, including a “secret” about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (who, it turns out, share a car):

    “Brad Pitt says, ‘Angelina wants to use the car tonight.’ So you know they’re still in contact. …I think they’re doing stuff again.” – Gwimper ([42:49])

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4. The Love-Lorn Drug Lord (Willie Ward) & Absurd Drug Parody

[54:45 – 82:47]

• Neil Campbell arrives as Willie Ward, a kindly 65-year-old recent widower ready to love again—who also happens to be a ruthless designer drug lord.
• Surreal “designer drug” comedy:
  • Smut: “One taste… puts the hottest sexual fantasy in your head. You want to jack off.” ([57:28])
  • Meme: “A thousand times more addictive than smartphones.” Sold by the gram, payment in bitcoin, lasts “about a fortnight.” ([59:34])
  • Sting: “One taste instantly kills you. Because it gives you the ultimate high – of death.” ([60:37])
  • Gash: “Take it and it’s always a crapshoot which member of the order of the Gash [Hellraiser Cenobites] you’ll see.”
• Willie seeks a partner with seating chart expertise, bulletproof-vest ownership, and, ideally, an appetite for BMX biking and reforming a reformed kingpin.
• Gwimper and Willie spark an improbable (and mutually enthusiastic) romance, culminating in an on-pod first date—at both Olive Garden and Mama Padre—full of callbacks to pasta jail, wet salad, and LA foibles.
• The date even survives a cameo from “Leonardo DiCaprio” and “Harvey Fierstein”; it is officially a Comedy Bang Bang Romance™

Notable Quotes:

“My beloved Dorothy… was gunned down by one of my rival drug lords. …I’m a ruthless drug lord. I sell some of the hottest designer drugs in New Los Angeles.” – Willie Ward ([54:55])
“Can I just add one bonus? I am alive.” – Gwimper Sandbag, as dating pitch ([70:58])

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5. Wild Role-Play, CBB Improvisation, and Running Bits

[72:32 – 82:47]

• The “first date” segment cascades into more improvisational chaos: restaurant etiquette bits, interrupted staff meetings, “silly jacket” appraisals, and an extended absurdity of LA nightlife.
• Cameos from “Cate Blanchett,” “Leonardo DiCaprio,” and “Harvey Fierstein,” all created for running gags over seating, dietary needs, and showbiz grievances.
• In the aftermath: Scott and Langston are gifted the now-vacated drug empire, and everyone is delighted to have finally brought true love to CBB’s airwaves.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Netflix is a joke. You couldn’t buy Warner Brothers!” – Scott ([12:26])
• “I do an hour just roasting Netflix at the [festival] show.” – Langston ([12:40])
• “I have people come to me after their colonoscopy and say, my stuff has never looked better because all that wet wet slipped down.” – Gwimper ([47:27])
• “One taste of smut makes you instantly want to jack off.” – Willie ([57:28])
• “One taste [of Sting] instantly kills you. Because it gives you the ultimate high.” – Willie ([60:37])
• On wet, digestive cuisine: “It slips down, it slops down, it coats. It does a really good job.” – Gwimper ([47:34])
• “My most important thing is, I want to be with someone who loves me. …Family’s more important than career.” – Willie ([82:02])

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Time-Stamped Guide to Major Segments

• [01:15] – Show intro, catchphrase game
• [03:18] – Oscars-writing anniversary reminiscence
• [10:33] – Langston’s career and show plugs, Netflix is a Joke roast
• [30:49] – Patty Guggenheim enters as Gwimper Sandbag; restaurant insanity
• [42:49] – Hollywood secrets & pasta jail
• [54:45] – Neil Campbell as Willie Ward, widower/drug lord
• [57:28] – Designer drug descriptions: Smut, Meme, Sting, Gash
• [70:58] – Willie's dating criteria; on-pod romance with Gwimper
• [72:32] – Extended restaurant/first-date improv (Leonardo DiCaprio bit, Harvey Fierstein bit)
• [82:07] – Romance “success” + handover of the drug empire to Scott & Langston
• [84:06 – 87:13] – Plugs (Langston’s tour, Neil’s “Digman,” new features at cbbworld.com)
• [87:13 – end] – Wrap-up, gratitude, one last drug empire gag

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Conclusion

This episode delivers pitch-perfect Comedy Bang Bang: affectionate industry satire, dazzling character work, and rapid-fire, referential improvisation.

• The genuine camaraderie between Scott and Langston anchors the early minutes with real showbiz stories and inside-joke warmth.
• Patty and Neil’s fully-formed characters push the improv to comic absurdity: LA foodie pretensions, criminal underworld lampoons, and a dash of strangely sweet pathos as their characters improbably find love.
• Throughout, memorable one-liners and relentless riffing abound: from celebrity-laden dining rooms to drug-induced reveries, and a running obsession with “wet wet chicken salad.”

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Recommended for: Comedy fans, CBB diehards, anyone needing a masterclass in character improv and podcast world-building.

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Bullet-Quick Takeaways

• 10th anniversary of “writing” the Oscars, with meta-commentary on work, credit, and tuxes.
• Both guests/characters (Gwimper & Willie) are delightfully deranged; their courtship is a CBB highlight.
• Key recurring joke: “wet wet chicken salad” and “silly jackets,” emblematic of the episode’s giddy, surreal tone.
• Designer drugs as social satire: “Smut,” “Meme,” “Sting,” “Gash.”
• The episode closes with a classic overstuffed CBB finale: romance, fake plugs, and a baton-passing of the world’s most absurd criminal/drug empire.

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This summary is true to the spirit—quick-witted, surreal, and joyfully silly—of the episode itself!

Transcript

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[A]

A Bjork in the hand is worth two and Kate Bush. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Ooh, thank you to sounds like a jerk. Sounds like a jerk for that catchphrase submission. You know what? You don't sound like a jerk. You sound like a wonderful catchphrase submitter to Comedy Bang Bang. So thank you and hats off to you. Sounds like a jerk. I'm hoping that everyone listening takes off their hats when I say hats. I hope you're wearing more than one hat today. Here in March. In like a lamb, out like a lion. What else do we have? That's about all I have in regards to March.

[B]

I prepared my own catchphrase. If that's.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, please.

[B]

That's at all interesting.

[A]

Yeah. I'll introduce you in a second, but go ahead.

[B]

Yeah, no, I. I don't need introductions.

[A]

You don't need any introduction.

[B]

I really would just like to start with my catchphrase and then. And then we'll.

[A]

Okay, yeah, go ahead.

[B]

I've worked on this for a while.

[A]

You've worked on it?

[B]

Yeah, no, I've thought about it for a while. Okay, listen up, face don't in my trunk and call it a traveling toilet.

[A]

Pretty good, I gotta say. Like, when it comes to. Usually they're horrible.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that is too. But horrible in the exact same kind of way that all of these catchphrases are so really, really good.

[B]

Scott, if you're telling me you couldn't see yourself saying that every single week, you're wrong.

[C]

It.

[A]

It felt like you could barely say it the one time you had to say it, you sort of in the middle of it got a little you, I saw your eyes go up and to the left, like, wait, what's next?

[B]

I've never felt more confident. I, I'm so centered in what I, I shared with you today.

[A]

I, I, I agree that you've never felt more confident. Let me introduce you, by the way. Come. My name is Scott Auan. Coming up a little later on the show, we have a restaurant manager. We also have a widower. So a very interesting show. But let's get to our guest of honor here in a block. He is a standup comedian, he is an actor, he is a writer. And 10 years ago, this is the 10 year anniversary. Something very special happened with him and I. Please welcome back to the show, Langston Kerman. Yeah. What's up?

[B]

I forgot that it's our anniversary.

[A]

It's our anniversary 10 years ago, almost to the date. Almost. Because last night was the Oscars. Did you win an Oscar last night, by the way?

[B]

Unfortunately, I did not.

[A]

Yeah, neither did I.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, I watched the whole thing going

[B]

in my, I'm liking our chances for next year, though.

[C]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

What I feel like I'm closer to it than I've ever been.

[C]

I agree with that as well.

[B]

So as far as Oscars are concerned, I feel like I've got a chance for next year.

[A]

But you and I and some other people, we, some throwaways, some, some other randos, we all wrote for the Oscars 10 years ago and I'm glad we

[B]

get to keep talking about in 2016.

[A]

We, we all wrote the Oscars together and we've talked about it on many shows across the decade or so since it's happened.

[B]

In the 10 years that have passed, we have contributed it as much as

[A]

we did on the night itself. On the night itself, I got the wording of one joke, if not the joke itself. I, I, I, I worked on the wording.

[B]

You saw one of you certainly walked away far more a champion than me when, when all was said and done.

[A]

That's right. You, you famously did not get a single syllable on air.

[B]

I'm not sure Chris heard my voice the entire time that we were.

[A]

Chris Rock was the host. That's right. That year. And we got to wear tuxes, though. And we got to park in, in Hollywood and Highland Special parking.

[B]

Yes, that's right. That was fun.

[A]

Right?

[B]

We got to walk through a section of where the celebrities were allowed to walk through.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Before we were immediately shuffled into a base.

[A]

There were no celebrities there.

[B]

There were no Celebrities, but.

[A]

But they were going to be there.

[B]

You could smell the remnants of their perfumes and cocaine. All the things that sort of made

[A]

were just taking cocaine. You were, you were like, I don't

[C]

know,

[B]

I could blame the celebrities or I could blame myself. I'm choosing to project.

[A]

Did you. A lot of people don't know. When you do one of these award shows, you are required to wear a tuxedo. That's right. When you are a gentleman. But most people do not want to be out the money to rent one.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

They provide tuxedos for people who do not own them.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

Did you have the ceremonies provide you a tuxedo?

[B]

No. See, I'm stupid enough and I'll never forget this.

[A]

Go ahead though, because I like this story.

[B]

I'm stupid enough to have seen this as a beautiful opportunity, one worth buying my own tuxedo.

[A]

Because you're going to be working on these shows. It's off and on for many years to come. Scott.

[B]

It's movies biggest night. I said to myself, I'm a part of movies biggest night. I should have a tuxedo. And no, I'm not going to take the one that they provide me. I can't guarantee it'll fit me the way I wish.

[A]

And how many times have you worn it since then?

[B]

Upwards of. Of three. And less than four.

[A]

Less. Okay, so as, as three, less than four. And what were the occasions for that? Were you ever writing on the Oscars again?

[B]

No, nobody's asked me to do it since. And I do worry that, that, that won't ever happen again, but I think.

[A]

I think it could happen for both of us probably. I mean, I know that we're not wrapped in glory on that particular one and I barely even showed up.

[C]

You.

[B]

You also had the benefit of, of not being present for most of you.

[A]

Yes. I had a sweetheart deal where my agent called me and said, they want you to write for. And I said, oh, no, I'm too busy. I can't.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then two weeks later they called, said, we made your deal for the Oscars. I said, I told you I can't do it. They said, oh, we told them that you were really busy and you were just going to show up whenever you wanted. And I did, which happened to be about three days.

[B]

It really was cool to watch where you pop in and you had just this. This glow about you because you had seen the outside. You knew what the world could feel.

[A]

I knew what it was like out there. Meanwhile, you Guys had been in just trapped in these room trying to figure out what to say about these particular 10 movies.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that was Oscar so white year.

[B]

It was a really exhausting year of a lot of politics that, that nobody wanted to take on.

[A]

It seemed like Chris was constantly fielding calls from the community. He would be like, oh, Jesse Jackson's on the phone. Hold on a second. You would like, leave the room and like, have like a long discussion about what was going to happen and stuff like that.

[B]

I'll never forget when Harry Belafonte called him and gave him a ster. Talking to a.

[A]

And saying on speakerphone. That was a thrill.

[B]

Yeah. He cursed at Chris and then he said, put me on the room on speaker with the writers. They need to hear me sing. Dayo. I sound like. But I still know the words.

[A]

I sound like. And we want to go home. A very unique experience and one that I'm sure you and I will get to do again. In fact, I, I would even go further to say that you and I will only do it if we can do it together.

[B]

I, I agree. I will not ever write for the Oscars again without you being there.

[A]

Without us. Of course, you have to pay us separately.

[B]

Pay us separately. We.

[A]

We're not a team.

[B]

We ain't a team, baby.

[A]

Nope.

[B]

We. We barely collaborate.

[A]

We, in fact, didn't necessarily really even hang out that much. Although I do remember it was. It was you, me, a guy named Neil Campbell. Yeah, Neil and Steve o'. Donne. A Letterman show and various other shows.

[B]

I think the. I, I think the, the. The four of us really created a cohort. And then Lance was a nice floater in our.

[A]

Yes, that's right. And then you had Rich Voss and other people.

[B]

Rich Voss was on the other side of the table. But, but we very much enjoyed his. His presence.

[A]

Yes. Yes. Well, it's the 10 year anniversary and great to see you're still in show business and 10 beautiful years.

[B]

Should we, should we remember all the big moments?

[A]

We should also, I guess let's schedule the podcast for 10 years from now as well. For the 20th anniversary, I demand that

[B]

I only be brought back for the anniversaries of the Oscars.

[A]

I actually do think that you'll host the Oscars someday. And I'm not joking around about this.

[B]

That's very nice.

[A]

And I do think that we'll do it together as well.

[B]

I won't host the Oscars without you. Scott Aukerman.

[A]

What a strange. Okay. Langston Blue up this year. He's a Huge movie star. He's agreed to host the Oscars.

[C]

He'll only do it with this former

[A]

podcaster, this old, elderly gentleman.

[B]

I like the idea that. That I will get to do it, but it's so far down the line.

[A]

Not that far down the line. Honestly, I think you'll get there. I think I really do. Langston, what are you up to these days? We, of course, have talked a lot about the time 10 years ago when you wrote the Oscars with me.

[B]

I wrote the Oscars with you.

[A]

Since then, you've done so many things. You' done the. What was the one show you're on? Irreversible. What was it called?

[B]

Oh, Insecure.

[A]

Insecure, right.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

You did. Insecure.

[C]

Other things.

[B]

You know what's funny is I've. I've been in enough stuff where I had to be like, was I on Irreversible? I've agreed to some pretty bad things.

[A]

Generic enough that it could be a thing.

[B]

No, I'm not proud of most of the credits I have, so it is. It is cool when you're like, oh, no, I. I could have agreed.

[A]

Did that. You have that great show on, Was it Peacock?

[B]

Oh, bus down.

[A]

Bus down, yes.

[B]

Six episodes.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

They'll never give us anymore.

[A]

But it was great. I went to the premiere of that.

[B]

You did come to the premiere?

[A]

Yeah. That was fun. Fred was there. He said he was watching me watch the show. See what I laughed at.

[B]

I was like, he didn't tell you anything else while you were there?

[C]

No.

[A]

Why? What else? What did he have to tell me? All right, we'll talk off air.

[B]

We love Chris.

[A]

We love Chris. Everybody loves Chris. Oh, no, it's Everybody hates Chris. That's right.

[B]

Not. Not Red.

[A]

No, not Red. Maybe Rock. And that wasn't our experience. Chris Rock. Very nice.

[B]

He was very nice to us.

[A]

Absolutely shut down everything we ever seen. But that said, what are you. What are you doing now? You're a standup comedian?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You have a. A big, big, giant show as part of this. Netflix is a joke festival, which I got.

[B]

This show couldn't be bigger that I'm. I'm having.

[A]

Really? Tell me about it.

[B]

Be bigger.

[A]

First of all, I feel like Netflix is a joke. That's disrespectful.

[B]

I don't like the way they speak about themselves.

[A]

Yeah, I. I feel like someone said that about them, and it, like, slipped through the chain or something, you know?

[B]

Confidence, Netflix.

[A]

Dignity.

[B]

Believe in yourself.

[D]

Exactly.

[B]

You're the biggest one.

[A]

You're the biggest One. Although you couldn't buy Warner Brothers, so maybe it is kind of a jo.

[B]

Yeah, you broke. You couldn't buy Warner Brothers.

[A]

Is this gonna be your material, by the way?

[C]

During the.

[B]

During the show, I do an hour just roasting.

[A]

You broke. Ted Sarandos, this is bro. He's not gonna be there.

[B]

Let's.

[A]

Let's be honest.

[B]

I wish. I really wish Ted would come.

[A]

Tell me about this show. Where is it here in Los Angeles?

[B]

It's gonna be here at the Elysian. A theater. They call it a theater, but how

[A]

many seats are we talking? 150 at best.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

An incredible opportunity. Is this gonna be live streamed or anything?

[B]

I. I hope not. I pray it's. It's a one night experience for us to enjoy.

[A]

So what's the upside for doing this show?

[B]

Oh, the upside. Good question.

[A]

You're on the poster.

[B]

I'm on the poster.

[A]

That's what we want.

[B]

We just want to stay in the mix.

[A]

That. Exactly. We want to be known as the people who would be invited to do a show at the Netflix is a joke.

[B]

The feeling I would have been left with if all my friends posted every poster around town and then I wasn't allowed to post.

[A]

Exactly the feeling I got this year.

[B]

Yeah. And I'm sorry that happened and I'm sorry to have brought it up the way that I did, but. But it is. It is a tragedy.

[A]

Do you start. Does the show start and it goes dong dong.

[B]

I. I'm not sure, but I will. I will ask.

[A]

Do you. Do you require everyone to be watching your show for about five minutes, then they start fucking. This is all material you could use on your show.

[C]

I'm not.

[A]

I'm not doing the festival this year. Sure.

[B]

I want it to be.

[A]

They.

[B]

They turn it on and then they immediately get on their phones and then they walk.

[A]

Second screen experience, which is really the first screen.

[B]

Yeah. And then somebody next to them goes, do you want me to pause? And they go, no, I can hear you. Nah, it's okay. I'll keep up everything.

[A]

Nowadays you're. You're writing it so people can hear it while they're doing stuff in their kitchen. And so you got to repeat information a lot. Right.

[B]

It's almost like everything's a podcast, but. But not.

[A]

Yeah. And now they're doing podcasts.

[B]

And now they're doing podcasts.

[A]

Video podcasts.

[B]

Gorgeous video.

[A]

Gorgeous video. You've never seen such gorgeous video.

[B]

You think YouTube's gorgeous, but no, you get on Netflix, you go, this video.

[A]

Oh, Chris, Ah, the people on the video.

[B]

Uggos.

[A]

Let's put a bag of Aza butter faces.

[B]

Not a cutie patootie in the bunch.

[A]

Nope.

[B]

But the video couldn't be crisper.

[A]

Oh, my God. Not this show, though. No, we're not, we're not doing the video. People can come in here without makeup and feel comfortable.

[B]

I, I, I am gruesome today.

[A]

Yeah, you are.

[B]

And I feel safe being here.

[A]

That's right. It's a safe space for you. You are. You seem to have some, like, surgery scars all over your face. What's going on with you?

[B]

I was hoping you wouldn't, you wouldn't notice.

[A]

I, I would or wouldn't notice? You wouldn't. Those are okay because you said both.

[B]

I struggled mainly because of the shock of you bringing up my grace.

[C]

I apologize.

[A]

But, I mean, I feel like you opened the door. If this were a legal proceeding, you opened the door saying that you are gruesome today.

[B]

Well, I just. You notice the scars. I, I did audition for that Frankenstein movie.

[A]

That, the one that came out about six months ago?

[B]

No, the one that came about. Yeah, about a year and a half ago.

[A]

Oh, that one. Okay. You auditioned recently.

[B]

I auditioned for that. I, I was under the impression that they were doing a sort of second round.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And so I thought something like a

[A]

Kevin Spacey, let's replace him with Christopher Plummer kind of thing, or.

[B]

Look, man, the audition came across my table. I didn't ask a lot of questions.

[A]

That's the thing. Like, we all love these classic old movies. And then everyone goes like, let's remake it. And then they reshoot every scene. No, just replace everyone with modern actors.

[B]

Put me in it. You know what I mean, is what I say.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. Like Casablanca put you in as Ilsa is as Bogey, whoever the fuck is in this movie. Yeah. You know what I mean? And then, then it's like, okay, this

[B]

is a fresh new now. This is a fun movie for your kids to see.

[A]

Yeah, that's.

[B]

I thought that sort of getting into character and really locking in with the scars would, Would help.

[A]

For Frankenstein.

[B]

For Frankenstein, yeah.

[A]

That's why you have the book.

[B]

I've never tried as well. I've never tried method. And so I had some bolts put

[A]

in, and unfortunately, they're not, they're not taking. It looks like they've oxidized, and perhaps there's some sort of skin irritation. Is that what's happening as well?

[B]

As I understand it now, Frankenstein only works because the skin is dead first.

[A]

Oh, okay. Next time you gotta get your skin taken off.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Have it sit out in the sun, I guess for five days.

[B]

I thought I could put new bolts into. Into fresh skin, and apparently that's not the case.

[A]

Well, Langston, I'm so sorry. Do you. Is this gonna affect your big show at the Elysian Theater? What. What's the date on this show? May. Something.

[B]

May 6th is. And something's close.

[A]

Something is close early in the festival too, so, like, it won't be out of gas at that point.

[B]

They're gonna be pumped for to. To drive as far east as you can go to see me at the

[A]

people from all out of town coming to see you, like, from all over the country. Or is this just an LA crowd who would normally go to the Elysian anyway?

[B]

No, I think you're gonna want to buy a plane ticket. I. I think. I think look at some Southwest deals

[A]

now, because jet fuel's going up, up, up.

[B]

It's going up, up, up with everything

[A]

going on in the world.

[B]

But thanks.

[A]

As political as we get on this,

[B]

thank God we're over there, Scott. And thank God we're fuel to fly you to Los Angeles to see no

[A]

matter where you are.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's. And you. You. You wanted. You let me know before we started. You are announcing a contest.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

To fly 25 people from around the world in for the show on your dime.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then. But then there's some special perks. You were saying? I was a little confused by this. Exactly.

[C]

What.

[A]

What are the perks?

[B]

Those details, I think, are. Are.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

We got a whole rollout that we're really gonna. Gonna work through. This is it. 25 of you special people at home, though.

[A]

Red carpet experience.

[B]

Red carpet experience, which the Elysian definitely has.

[C]

If you've.

[B]

If you've spent any time in the

[A]

allegiance step and repeat with your face on the. On the back. You know, kind of like they're posing in front of your face going like.

[D]

Ah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's almost like you're behind and making faces now. You are not going to show up to this. You're mentioning, though, and in fact, you said you might cancel the show. What is happening with this? This is a strange festival, is all I'm saying.

[B]

It. Listen, Netflix has a really specific marketing plan for me, and I'm just. I'm going with the. I'm going with the program.

[A]

Are you doing the thing where they say, like, hey, do our festival and we'll. We'll think about you for Netflix projects and then you never hear from them ever again.

[B]

In my experience in showbiz, that is the whole.

[A]

They do our thing and then we'll think of you for other things.

[B]

Yeah. The amount of promises that I've sort of been made that have never come to pass feel more real than anything.

[A]

Well, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. That's chief amongst them.

[B]

And you did promise I would be the new host of this show.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

That's why I prepared my own catchphrase. And. And you haven't brought it back up.

[A]

Say what the catchphrase is again to see if you remember it.

[B]

Shut the. Shut the up. Shut the up.

[A]

Nope, I don't think shut the up. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang is going to really.

[B]

Well, no, it's. You don't stop. There you go. Shut the up. You can't. In my trunk and. And say it's a traveling toilet. Welcome to Comedy Bank.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

That's the whole catch you got there. Definitely.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. Well, you know, should I ever retire, I have to say, unlike that coward, Mark Maron just wits his show tail between his legs and says, I can't do it anymore.

[B]

I beg of you. The microphones away from me.

[A]

He screamed, no, I am going to keep doing this show.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Until, you know, I'm not going to quit. Sure. I may retire.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I may be forcibly replaced, people. I may be cancelled, but I'm not going to quit. Like Mark Marin.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

You're going to.

[B]

You're going to fight through this all the way to the end.

[A]

But should I ever do that, you will be. You and Chase Manzukas may have to duke it out a little bit because he wants to do it too. But I mean, we'll, we'll iron out the deed details. Maybe you could do alternating.

[B]

Sure. Jason would be the obvious choice.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

He's earned it the most. Certainly. And he has a clear relationship with

[A]

you, has been on the show ever since the beginning.

[B]

He's, he's. He shows up for the important events.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

I've been here like six times.

[A]

That's. Are you in the Six Timer? I'm gonna look this up.

[B]

But the more important part of this is that Jon Stewart didn't pick the obvious choice.

[A]

Do you think Mark Marin will pull a Jon Stewart where he comes back and goes like, I'm sorry, I left. Left.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm gonna do some more. You are in the Six Timers Club as of today.

[B]

Congratulations for a second.

[A]

Your first one was but seven years ago.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

You weren't even on the show until three years after we did the Oscars together.

[B]

Yeah, no, that's up. Yeah. No, when you really unpack it that way. That's pretty.

[A]

And we worked together before that. We don't have to go into the details of all that. You were on a pilot I produced even before the Oscars.

[B]

Yeah, we knew each other before the incredible stuff.

[A]

Well, Langston, this show sounds amazing. Whatever you have planned for these 25 people, it's certainly not going to be indentured servitude or anything like that.

[B]

You know, those little waters, they could have as many as they like.

[A]

How little we talking, by the way? The. The. The ones that you see in. In green rooms or even littler.

[B]

The ones that you get at, like, kids birthday parties, and you go, this is rude that you would offer me this amount of water.

[A]

Well, you know, kids like to waste water. Water. Have you noticed that you have two. Two children? Our children have met each other. I don't want to brag about that.

[C]

Yeah, but

[A]

kids, they love to go, like, I want water. And then you give them a little bit, and they go, more, and then they throw away 80 of it.

[B]

Most of it does not get drank. And that is fair. But.

[A]

But you're a man.

[B]

Maybe have a little water and a big water.

[A]

That's right. Like a family.

[B]

Like a family.

[A]

Oh, what are you saying? Like, only little people can come to this event? No, little people and big people are both gonna come there. Get some little waters. Goddamn water.

[B]

Big goddamn waters is all we're asking for.

[A]

That's all we're asking for in show business. Well, Langston, this is an exciting year for you. You're going to be hosting the oscars in just 364 days, and. And I'll be right there with you.

[B]

We got to get to work.

[A]

I'll be riding shotgun, baby.

[B]

We got to see a Nora.

[D]

Oh.

[A]

All right. We're going to take a break, but coming up on the show, we have a restaurant manager. That's exciting. You ever work in a restaurant? Restaurant?

[B]

I've never worked in a restaurant.

[A]

I worked in several, so I have just two degrees of experience here.

[B]

I think that's gonna make for interesting questions.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. I need you on my six the same way I'm gonna be on year six during the Academy Awards. When you're hosting, that would be a weird hosting style. You up there center stage, and I'm behind you, like, ready?

[B]

I just want you standing very, very poised. I want you just being proud of the jokes that work and disappointed by the ones that don't.

[A]

Okay, you want it to be fun, fair.

[B]

I want you to be fair.

[A]

You want. When. When a joke doesn't work, you want me to be disappointed in you or in the fact that the. The audience.

[B]

Let's be honest about the room. You know what I mean? Like, if that's Kate Blanchett's fault that that joke didn't work, then I should

[A]

be saying dikembe Mutumboing. Yeah, planchet Kate, which is a word, a sentence. I never thought I'd say. I wanted tombe mutumbo. Kate Blanchette.

[B]

One thing Dimbe needed is more letters. And you found it it right at the end.

[A]

Well, we're going to take a break. We also have a widower here, and that is something I have zero experience with, so. And I believe you. You ever have a wife die on you?

[B]

Not yet.

[A]

Okay, great.

[C]

All right.

[A]

Well, we both have zero experience with it, but let's take a break. Our good friend Langston Kerman is here. We're going to be right back with more comedy Bang Bang after this. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Whether you're just beginning or ready to grow, Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help your business stand out and succeed online. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place. From consultations to events and experiences. Showcase your offerings with a customizable website designed to attract clients and grow your business. Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website. Upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries and even monetize your content by adding a paywall. Perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, premium workshops, so much stuff. Get paid on time with professional on brand invoices and online payments. Plus streamline your workflow with built in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools. Head to squarespace.com Bang Bang for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code Bang bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. You know what they say, Cold days, goal days. You know how they say that all the time, right? No, but cold days are here and you have big goals during these cold days. So they're almost like goal days, cold days, goal days. It makes perfect sense. Anyway, during these cold days and goal days, you probably don't have any time to cook, right? Well, factor makes healthy eating easy with fully prepared meals designed by dietitians and crafted by chefs. So I guess the the process is there's a bunch of dietitians. I wonder how many dietitians they have on staff. Probably hundreds. They're all in their cube. You can't make dietitians stay in cubicles, Right? They must all have, like, corner. Corner offices, right? A lot of corners in this building. I'm imagining with hundreds of dietitians. They design the meals, then they pass it off to the chefs, who then go like, well, what am I supposed to do? And then they craft them. I don't know what the process is, but it works. Factor has a variety of meals that fit your goals and schedule, whether that's healthier eating, calorie management, or more protein. And every meal is made with quality, functional ingredients, including lean proteins, colorful veggies, whole food ingredients, and healthy fats. Now, I got a bunch of Factor stuff I've had. Look, honestly, I've had Factor for years now. It's great stuff that tastes good. They were a sponsor and they gave me some free stuff. And honestly, I've been on the. What's the opposite of being on the payroll? I've been paying them, if you can imagine. I've been paying Factor. It's great stuff. Head over to factor meals.com Bang Bang 50 off. I know that's a mouthful. I'll repeat it. Factor meals.com Bang Bang 50 off. Use the code Bang Bang 50 off, which I just said to get 50% off. That's how it makes sense. And free breakfast for a year. Eat like a pro this month with Factor New subscribers only. Varies by plan. One free breakfast item per box for one year. While subscription is active, Pay around the

[B]

corner and around the globe.

[A]

Apple pay is accepted at millions of places worldwide. Wherever you see the contactless symbol in stores or the Apple pay button online and in apps, whether you're checking out on iPhone or Apple watch, just double click click pay and be on your way.

[B]

Add your debit or credit card to

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wallet and you're good to go. Pay the Apple way terms apply. Comedy Bang Bang. We are back. We have Langston Kerman, aka LangstonKerman, here. Anytime I post about you, people think it's one of my fake names from the Comedy Bang Bang TV show.

[B]

It's a real bummer every time because I immediately see what they're seeing. You know what I mean? Like, I've spent my whole life with my name and so I just.

[A]

Yeah, it's just Langston Kerman, Langston Kerman. And then suddenly, like, I post about you and everyone goes, Lang Stonkerman. Yeah, like over and over and over I go.

[B]

That is a silly name. You're right.

[A]

Well, it's because Instagram, they've. They've smooshed it all together. That's. That's one of my big platforms. Is Instagram allows to separate names. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like some of these big ass names. I can't even figure out what the they're trying to say.

[B]

How are you getting the word out on that?

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

The show maybe starting now. Maybe. By the way, we do want to say tomorrow's St. Patrick's Day.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which.

[B]

We miss you, St. Patrick.

[A]

We miss you. But I want to mention that tomorrow it's finally time to decorate for Wet Day. So Wet Day is coming up next month and we as April 10th. April 10th? Yes. Were you on a Wet Day show?

[B]

No, I'm just a big fan. I celebrate myself now.

[A]

That's right. How wet do you get? Lancaster, Houston, Buddy.

[B]

As much as the day requires.

[A]

And we know what it requires. A fair amount. So everyone decorate tomorrow. It's time to get your Wet Day trees out. Absolutely not. Not out. I mean, they have to stay outside. You just dip the tip of the tree into an open window. But anyway, we'll talk about that on Wet Day. We have to get to our first guest. Not first guess, because you're our first guest. Although you're more like fan family. And when you're here, your family, that's a restaurant. I used to work at Olive Garden.

[B]

Olive Garden.

[A]

Yeah. Two different ones. Oh, no. Yeah. One in Glendale.

[B]

You got out and then you said, I'm back in.

[A]

I left the Glendale one after three days and never told him I wasn't coming back.

[D]

Wow.

[B]

Very cool. Very punk rock.

[A]

Very punk rock of me. Or Cowardly. But let's get to our next guest. They are a restaurant manager, right? That's right. Yes. Please welcome Gwimper Sandbag.

[D]

Hi, I'm Gwper Sandbag. I'm a restaurant manager here in Los Angeles and I have been doing it for 17 years. I love it very much. And I will have to report you actually to Olive Garden.

[A]

I'm sorry, do you have jurisdiction at or do you work at all?

[D]

I did work at Olive Garden for a number of years and then I switched over to the hot, hot LA spot called Mama Padre. And I am a restaurant manager there. But I have big ties, the Olive Garden. So I will have to report you to. To the.

[A]

Okay. I'm sure there's still. Yeah, I'll pay whatever Restitution. Is required of me.

[D]

All right, well, I'll let them know

[B]

you're not seeing this. I. I guess, and this is just my own ignorance, I. I thought she was, like, putting you in line for jail time.

[D]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Just Olive Garden, pasta jail.

[A]

Pasta jail, yeah.

[D]

So you can't order their pasta for 15 minutes.

[A]

When you get.

[D]

You have to wait 15 minutes.

[A]

Wait, I can't order it until 15 minutes after I get it?

[D]

That's right. You. You have.

[A]

But then I have it on when

[D]

you enter the door. You have to wait 15 minutes to order your pasta.

[A]

That's usually the amount of time it takes to sit down.

[D]

And I don't know, they're pretty cool.

[A]

The waiter comes over. Usually the waiter's like, anything to drink? And I already know what I want. I'm like, can't I just order the food?

[D]

You gotta wait.

[A]

You know what I'm saying, folks?

[D]

You gotta wait. It's part of.

[A]

I'm working on my show next year.

[B]

Yeah, that's good.

[D]

As part of the etiquette for restaurants that you have to. To follow the rules.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And at Mama Padre, it's one of our hot, hot, hot spots in la and something where there is a dress code. So when you come in, if you're not. Suit jacket, we're gonna have to give you one of those suit jackets off of a hanger.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

I just wondered about that. How many suit jackets does any restaurant require at any given.

[D]

We have ten different. Of each size.

[A]

Ten of each size.

[D]

Specifically, Burlington Goat Factory. The back.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

So we. We have a tie with Burlington Goat Factory.

[B]

That's good.

[D]

So that we can get the right kind of suit jacket for you when you come on.

[A]

Are you adjoining to a Burlington Coat Factory or.

[D]

Yeah, we're adjoining. Adjoined.

[A]

Oh, okay. So there. It's sort of like adjoining hotel rooms where it's just like, oh, okay, you open it up and go, we need another one.

[D]

That's right. We have adjoining doors, so we can get whatever we need.

[B]

Now, now, is there a. A limit in your mind where, like, all right, this is our 10th guy.

[A]

This is getting ridiculous too much with it.

[D]

Without a jacket, you mean? Oh, yeah. No, if you're the 10th guy where you're not coming. If you're above after the 10th guy, you're not coming in.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Yeah, we don't have a jacket for you.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And you could read the rules on that website before you come on in.

[B]

I like that.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah. But I do like to make sure. Everyone leaves with a smile and a belly fill of food. And I like to stand at the door and make sure everybody gets a matchbook on the way out.

[A]

That's where I like the food to be, is my belly, usually.

[D]

That's right.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

It goes right down your gullet.

[B]

Now what, what can I eat at, At Mama Padre?

[D]

Well, funny you ask. I actually just have a new thing on the menu that comes from my own mama.

[A]

Oh, is this, I'm sorry, is this, I've never heard of Mama Padre. Is this restaurant? Restaurant.

[D]

It's a hot, hot spot. I'm surprised you haven't heard about it. Is a into the top of la.

[A]

I'm kind of an introvert. I don't really range.

[B]

Four.

[D]

What ranked?

[A]

Oh, it's ranked number four. Oh, number four in, in good or in bad.

[D]

So it's really about the food.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[D]

And the ambiance.

[B]

Okay, that's.

[D]

And the jackets.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So, So a combination of those. So it's this, this is. So it's probably not ranked 4 in food, like, alone.

[D]

I think it's 4 across the board.

[B]

Okay, here's a question I have about those jackets.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

And I'm sorry to linger on it as much as I have.

[D]

What is the question? What is the question? I know everything about it. I'm very proud of our restaurant. I'm proud of the bus boys, the

[B]

lamps, all of it.

[D]

Yeah, go.

[B]

Okay. I, the jackets. I, I, I guess, I wonder, is there a level of silly that I can do to my jacket to make

[D]

it okay, now, language. Now you're talking about language. If your jacket has something like a palm tree on it, I'm going to. You get a special sock song.

[B]

Oh, I, I go up in your rankings.

[D]

That's right.

[A]

Because what were you trying to say? If you show up with a silly jacket, you get turned away.

[B]

Yeah. That at some point.

[D]

Oh, that's very welcomed here. We love it.

[A]

You love silly jackets.

[D]

We love a silly jacket. We love a fun jacket. Something with a print.

[B]

We love it.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

What's the silliest jacket you've ever seen?

[D]

There was a jacket with just a whole pile of sand in the, in it.

[A]

Inside the pockets, or just in the jacket itself.

[D]

Somebody was like, I just got back from Kauai. Look at this. And they showed me a whole pile of san.

[A]

Now, they just showed you a whole pile.

[B]

Now, the jacket itself was very formal.

[D]

It was a formal jacket.

[A]

So that doesn't sound like a silly jacket to me. That sounds like a Regular jacket that has something silly in it. Scott.

[D]

I was laughing.

[B]

It's pretty silly.

[D]

That's a big joke.

[A]

If the effect was that it was silly, then I think you have to

[D]

picture it was a big, big joke.

[B]

The jacket was pretty puffed up, I imagine from all the sand. The amount of sand, I guess you

[A]

could say David Byrne. His jacket was silly, but it wasn't a silly jacket. It was just the size of it.

[D]

It was a big. And that's not that silly.

[A]

That's not that. The jacket itself, pretty normal jacket.

[B]

Okay. But I guess my question is, let's say a. A pimp Magic Don Juan.

[D]

Get on in here. Get on in here. We love it. We love it.

[A]

I love all sort of velvet jacket.

[D]

I love a velvet jacket.

[B]

We have all kinds, neon green.

[D]

So many fun people come in restaurant. There's a lot of celebrities. So really hard to get a seat. But I did want to offer you a seat at a table, Scott.

[A]

That's where I like to eat my food.

[D]

It's a small table though. It's close to the ground.

[A]

Is the size of the table meaning the, the actual.

[D]

Yes, it's how close to the ground. Flow to the ground.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

You're going to be sitting on your legs.

[A]

Okay. Oh.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

All right. Well, I mean I've done that in Indian restaurants occasionally where you sitting on a pillow.

[D]

It's not like that though.

[A]

It's not like that.

[D]

No. You're kind of sitting. You have to sit on your leg. Legs.

[A]

How do you mean?

[D]

Like, like meaning like you got to fold up your legs and you got to sit on them.

[B]

Oh no.

[A]

Like, do you mean crisscross applesauce?

[D]

No, you can't do that in our.

[A]

Because then your butt's on the ground.

[D]

That's right. You're saying sit on your legs.

[A]

Do you mean like I. I put my legs behind you?

[D]

Fold it. You know how to fold?

[A]

Sort of. But that's crisscross applesauce.

[D]

No, no, you fold them straight down. Your legs aren't separating. Your legs are staying together. Your full leg.

[A]

I'm not double jointed. Is that going to be an issue?

[B]

I think the way that he's reacting tells me he can't handle it.

[D]

It's the only table we have available at 4:30. I hope that's okay because we are a hot, hot LA spot.

[A]

I'm not hungry at 4:30.

[D]

Well, I'm sorry. That's what you get or you don't get.

[A]

Are you saying today? Yes, today we're in the middle of a show.

[D]

Well, I'm saying at 4:30, you better be there or you don't get a restaurant seat.

[B]

Scott, I don't know if you can turn this opportunity down. This is M. Mama Padre.

[D]

This is Mama Padre. We have an amazing new menu option.

[A]

Okay. You were, by the way, I, I, I did want to ask about the menu because you said something about your. Your mother. Is this your mother and father's restaurant?

[D]

No, no, no. It just happened to be called Bubba Po. The new restaurant item is called a wet wet chicken salad. M. And it is.

[A]

This is perfect for wet day. That's right.

[D]

I was thinking about that. It'll slip off your fork, It'll slip off your spoon.

[A]

And it's just onto the floor.

[B]

Yeah, straight from the start. It's wet, wet. It's too wet.

[A]

So it's not even wet. It's wet wet.

[B]

This is double the wet.

[A]

Extra wet is when you say wet, wet chicken salad. Is the chicken the only thing that's wet?

[D]

It's all slippery.

[A]

Everything in it.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

So what, what are the ingredients then? We have chicken, obviously.

[D]

You know, I don't tell our, our company secrets.

[A]

Oh, no, you have to now. Because of allergies and food allergies. You have to, you have to say what's in food now.

[D]

No, we don't do any of that kind of stuff at our restaurant.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[D]

Yeah, you come, you get. You.

[A]

I'm allergic to a lot of stuff.

[D]

You come in, you get what you're given. That's how we work at B. I

[A]

don't know that I can come to this.

[D]

We'll see you at 4.

[B]

Maybe you're just not the Mama Padre kind of guy.

[A]

Do you have a. Do you have a reservation for Langston here?

[D]

I am so sorry. It is Oscar weekend, so we're all poked up and jammed up were yesterday. Well, it's still part of it where we are still over.

[A]

People are still leaving.

[D]

People are across the. Coming from across the pound to come to this thing.

[B]

And there's, there's no world where I could join Scott for his resume.

[D]

Can you fold your legs?

[A]

You were, you were bragging about this folding leg stuff.

[B]

I will be honest that I didn't understand what, what she meant either.

[A]

You were acting like a big shot.

[B]

Yeah, I, I really didn't think back.

[A]

You were selling me out in front of our good friend Gwimper here.

[B]

I thought.

[D]

Do you have a suit jacket? Do you have a fil. In the legs?

[A]

Do you have a silly suit?

[B]

I, I, I don't currently have a silly suit.

[A]

You have a tuxedo.

[B]

I do have a tuxedo. A tuxedo would.

[D]

Tuxedo, and we'll see.

[A]

Do you still fit in this thing? 10 years ago. I have to say, I do not

[B]

fit in mine that I have. In finding out, I, that would make

[A]

you feel bad about yourself.

[B]

Yeah, I can't deal with that.

[A]

But you could.

[B]

I, I, I pray I can.

[D]

We're gonna fit you into that jacket. We're gonna get you a seat somewhere sandwiched nicely between Keber Suberland and possibly, I don't know, Rose McGowan.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Wow, that's a, that's a tough pair.

[A]

Two, two big people from the early 2000s that's.

[B]

They're gonna be yelling at me.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Very strident pair.

[B]

Yeah, they got big feelings.

[D]

I get to see all, all the celebrities come in, and I get to hear their secrets.

[A]

They tell you your secrets?

[D]

Well, they don't tell me, but your

[A]

secrets or their secrets?

[D]

No, their secrets. They, I try to tell them our secrets. They don't care. I, I, When I overhear something, somebody at a table stops talking, and I, my ears perk up.

[A]

So they're not actually telling you their secrets. You're overhearing.

[D]

Well, I gets to go in a little bit, and I mosey around the restaurant, but I get back and I hear those secrets.

[B]

Gwimper. Would you tell us one of your.

[A]

Yeah. What's a hot, hot secret that you know?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Tell us the celebrities and then one of yours. Okay.

[B]

Yeah. I just want you.

[D]

Have you ever heard a little bit of something called Brad Pitt?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

Have you ever heard a little bit of something called Brad Pitt?

[A]

I have heard of Brad Pitt, yes.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Of course.

[D]

So one time at the restaurant. Okay. And I, I was over, I was just making sure everybody was having a good time, and I heard, how do you do that?

[A]

What do you.

[D]

I'm just. Hey, how's your, how's your, your, Is your dinner going?

[A]

Just asking them. You're not like, do you have any solution if they say, I'm not having

[D]

a good time, I say, well, what can I do? Would you love a matchbook?

[A]

Oh, does that take care of it?

[D]

That usually does it.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[D]

Yeah. Would you like a matchbook?

[B]

If I get to play with fire,

[D]

can I get you a free mocktail

[B]

or having a better time?

[D]

Mocktail, huh? Yeah, if you get to play with fire, you're having.

[B]

I'm having a better time.

[D]

That's actually Another reason I wanted to come here is because I wanted to clear this, clear the story that we did have a fire in our condition. We did have a small bean fire. And so I just wanted to make sure that everyone knows that some small

[A]

beans were on fire or the fire was.

[D]

That's right. That's my biggest secret, is that we had a bean fire and it was my fault. Yes.

[A]

What happened?

[C]

Why was it your fault?

[A]

Well, and I want to get back to Brad Pitt too.

[D]

No, I'm going to tell you. So I was eating one bean and it.

[A]

Why, why were you only eating one beet or one bean at a time?

[D]

Because I do. I do. I'm on a 5 fiber, low fiber diet.

[C]

Oh, I see.

[A]

It would allow you one bean.

[D]

One bean. One bean a day. So I was eating my one bean and it fell into a burner and it did catch and then my hair caught and then the whole thing caught back there.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

See, you called it a bean fire. But really, it was really.

[A]

You were on. It was. You were on fire.

[D]

Yeah, well, a little bit, yes. I was on fire in the back and I did cause a little bit of a shot that down. But we're open and things are good now we have air purifier and everything's okay. But Brad Pitt.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. Brad Pitt hit us.

[D]

What are you gonna do when you hear Brad Pitt say Angelina? What are you gonna do when you're walking by?

[A]

Well, I mean, my ears are gonna perk up.

[D]

Your ears are pinned.

[B]

I'm gonna bust. I'm gonna bust a spin move.

[D]

Right, you're gonna.

[A]

I'm gonna hope he's talking about a certain Angelina that. Yeah, we all know.

[D]

Well, right. Much. We've all seen the tapes. We all know what they did on screen and off screen. We've seen it with. But we've all seen it.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

So Brad says Angelina. So I'm gonna pretend like I'm doing about my business. You know, I'm gonna put her around and I'm gonna say, how's are you doing over here? But I'm really listening over here to Brad Pitt.

[A]

Gotcha.

[D]

He says Angelina wants to use the car tonight.

[A]

Wants to use the car tonight.

[D]

So you. We know that they're still in contact and they're still doing something.

[A]

So this is divorce.

[D]

I don't think it. This was yesterday.

[A]

This was yesterday.

[D]

I don't think this is just about the kids. I think they're doing stuff again.

[A]

So wait, they're sharing a car?

[D]

I think they're Doing stuff again some

[A]

10, 15 years after they divorce.

[B]

That sharing a car, that is the biggest bummer is that neither one of them has their own car. They have to share one car.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

I mean, celebrities, they're just like.

[B]

They're just like us. They don't have as much money as you think they.

[A]

That's right. You know, what with taxes and. And, you know, representatives taking their chunk,

[B]

and that's why they have to vote the way they do.

[A]

That's right. And not to mention Hollywood accounting.

[B]

Oh, boy. It's stress me out even thinking about it.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow.

[D]

Now, one thing I did hear is I heard about Timothy Shalam. He was talking about the ballet a long time.

[A]

Oh, Mr. Ballet in Opera.

[D]

I could have told you a long time ago that he was going to say something really sour and stinky about the ballet.

[A]

He was saying this months ago. And you knew about this?

[D]

I knew it. And TMZ is always trying to knock down my door trying to get some of this information.

[B]

I don't know how he can sleep at night after what he said.

[D]

Oh, my God. He.

[A]

Ludicrous.

[D]

He's not sleeping.

[A]

You know, with what happened last night at the Oscars and him too. It just compounds with the fact that he either won or didn't.

[D]

I won an Oscar. He didn't.

[A]

You won an Oscar?

[D]

Yeah, I won. It was in the. For the restaurant scene from.

[A]

From the Social Network? Yes, the one where they did 80 takes.

[D]

Was that in Mama Bottom Cinema Sentimental Value. I did the restaurant team.

[A]

Oh, you did the restaurant Sentimental Value in another country or something like that?

[D]

No, that was Mama Padres.

[B]

And when you say you did the

[A]

restaurant, what does that mean?

[B]

Are you. Are you direct?

[D]

I helped. I rolled up the silverware and make sure it got looked right. They used me as a restaurant consultant.

[A]

I don't know that you would win an Oscar for that.

[D]

Well, they had a new category. Baby, you didn't watch the whole show, Scott.

[A]

I mean, they definitely added casting.

[D]

Right? I'm just right after casting.

[A]

Maybe they meant casting the silverware onto the table.

[D]

Oh, no, there's a whole category.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

The restaurants.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Well, congratulations.

[A]

Congratulations to the restaurant.

[D]

I'm on a high.

[A]

You really are.

[D]

That's why I've had a few little beverages, mocktails and cocktails today. So I have let a few secrets slip out that I wasn't planning on talking about.

[A]

Oh, okay. So you've had a few mocktails and cocktails.

[D]

That's right. I like to get spaced about.

[A]

Yeah, no, that's Good. One for them, one for you.

[B]

Did you go to all the parties? Did you.

[D]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Fair.

[B]

No, we didn't invite it.

[D]

Even though you wrote it, you didn't get to go.

[A]

No, we. We went to that one that was actually at the ceremony.

[B]

Will you go?

[A]

And you got. When you're in, you.

[B]

When you write, they. They tell you, we'll see if we'll invite you to a party.

[A]

That's right. Yes. And by the way, your loved one is definitely not invited.

[B]

Yeah, but they don't tell you that until three days before.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And they allow you to fly your. Your then girlfriend out, hoping that she might be invited, and then married you. She still married me.

[A]

What a fool. That woman is incredible. She's hoping to go to one of

[B]

these at some point, and she never will. Even when I host.

[A]

Even when you host. Because I'm your plus one.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Tell her to come into Mama Padre. Tell her to come in, and I'll see what I.

[A]

But Langston can't come in.

[D]

Well, you could come and I said if you have nice.

[B]

If I have a jacket, I can sit aside.

[D]

You could fold up your legs and sit on it.

[B]

Yeah, I. I'm still not sure about the fold in the legs.

[A]

Yeah, I'm not sure that I can go necessarily. Especially at first. 4:30, you know, a lot going on here. You know, I got a sprinkler guy coming. I got a supervise. Okay.

[D]

All right.

[A]

You know, summer's coming up. We got to make sure this grass stays green. You know, gotta make sure my water bill is.

[B]

Even if we don't grow your herbs, please tell us about the menu.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Tell us some of the meals.

[D]

What more do you need to the wet.

[A]

You have the wet. Wet. Chicken salad.

[B]

Chicken salad.

[A]

What's the. What's the type of food that you serve?

[D]

A noodle.

[A]

Just noodle. You're a noodle.

[D]

Well, we love noodles. And I got some of that information from. I did steal a few secrets from the Olive Garden.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, really?

[D]

And I did say when you're here, when your family and I did get sued pretty bad about that.

[C]

Oh, no.

[A]

But you're still on good terms with them.

[D]

But you might report I'm still on good to the ground for them. Still.

[B]

You knew you had done them wrong.

[D]

That's right.

[B]

And so you.

[D]

So I make sure to do right now do them right.

[A]

So a little bit of hospitaliano.

[D]

Right. So we do needles. We do wet. Wet. A lot of. Of wet. Just a wet food.

[A]

Just wet food in General. Yeah, sounds great. For wet day.

[D]

I have people go back. I have people come to me after they've had a colonoscopy and say, my stuff has never looked better because of all that wet. Wet, slipping down.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

It slips down, it slops down, it coats. It does a really good job.

[A]

Everything there. Yeah. Slip, slops, coats. Yeah.

[D]

So I've had people come back.

[B]

I'm sorry, you're telling me these people are showing up and they're saying, you have my gratitude because your food is so wet that everything just slipped immediately out?

[D]

Yeah. Slips and slots. Yeah. Right.

[A]

And the doctor liked this.

[D]

They don't even have to take that.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

They don't have to take colonoscopy at all.

[D]

They don't have to take the before drink because they. They're clean as well.

[A]

So you're basically serving colonoscopy before drinks.

[D]

That is on our menu. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, my goodness.

[A]

Okay. This does. I mean, I don't know. I don't know, but I want to go to this regardless of Kiefer Sutherland

[D]

hot spot LA stuff.

[B]

The crowd is great. We can agree on that.

[D]

That's right. You're going to see all kinds. You're going to see Merill.

[B]

And I'm getting to an age where,

[A]

say, Marin or Merill.

[D]

Mar. Mar.

[A]

Okay, go. Okay. Merill Lynch.

[D]

Mer. The head of Merrill Lynch.

[A]

The head of Merrill Lynch.

[D]

You're going to see George.

[A]

George of the Jungle.

[D]

Jungle.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Yes. Himself.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

You're going to see George Stephanopoulos. You're going to see. I mean, I've seen all kinds. I've seen Crystal.

[A]

Just Crystal.

[D]

A woman named Crystal.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I was trying to think of any celebrity named Crystal. The only one I can think of is Gail.

[D]

That was her.

[A]

But it should be reversed, shouldn't it

[D]

turn her day because her hair was too long. And I said, we can't have that slipping around our restaurant. That hair is going to get into that wet, wet.

[B]

Yeah. You know, you got to protect your wet, wet.

[A]

Yeah. Well, look, I mean, you've convinced me. I'll be there at 4:30. All right.

[D]

I think you're gonna like what you see.

[A]

I think you're gonna go home, grass be damned. I don't care if it gets all brown and crunchy.

[D]

Nature takes care of itself.

[B]

Bring back. Bring back some of that wet, wet. Put it in your grass. Now your grass.

[D]

Bring back. Bring back a sack of wet, wet. And you got yourself some wet grass.

[A]

Okay. And you'll give us the address of where to go to.

[D]

Because I've never shown at the secret spot. I'll tell you.

[A]

Oh, it's secret. Okay, so how do. How's anyone ever show up to this?

[D]

It's a van. It's people show. People show.

[A]

People show.

[B]

I think if you're on the right type of list.

[D]

That's right. That's what our clientele is.

[A]

I know what list you're talking.

[D]

These are high rollers. These are. These are people who know secrets about town.

[A]

All right, well, we need to take a break. Can you stick around, Gwimper?

[D]

Let me check my notes.

[A]

You know you have it in your notes here.

[D]

Got a pretty big. Big one today.

[A]

Big one today. We'll get you out by. I'm not sure where it is in the world. Yeah. But we'll get you out in whatever time.

[D]

I'll tell you off the off air.

[A]

Okay, great. And you'll tell me off air what you were talking about earlier as well. Okay, we're gonna come right back. We're gonna have a widower when we come back. So this is very exciting.

[C]

Are you.

[A]

Are you a widow? Or have you ever known any widowers? Gwimper?

[D]

No, I've never been in a relationship.

[A]

You've never been in a relationship?

[D]

No.

[A]

That's an entirely separate thing that we don't have time to get into right now.

[B]

That's a real bummer to go into break with as information.

[A]

Yeah, I'm gonna be sitting with that for the next three minutes.

[D]

I mean, anyone here could make that difference.

[A]

I don't believe that Langston are.

[D]

Or anyone here could make a change.

[B]

I'm not available. But there is a widower coming up.

[A]

There is a widower coming up.

[D]

True. I can't wait to meet them.

[A]

Langston, of course, is locked down because he promised someone a party invite at the Oscars, and she ended up marrying him even though she didn't get to go to this party, so.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

All right, we're going to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have more with Langston Kerman. We're going to have more with Gwimper Sandbag. And we have a widower. This is a packed show. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Confronting high credit card debt can feel scary. But the good news is, if you

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[A]

Comedy Bang Bang we're back. Langston Kerman is here. Big, big show coming up at the Elysian Theater in Los Angeles. 150 seats. Gwimper, how many seats are in your restaurant?

[D]

We have 75 seats that are actual seats so that we have about four tables of sitting on your legs.

[A]

Okay. Oh, could I get one of the real actual seats? If I Show up at 4:30 is

[D]

I will say I'm having a pretty good time here, Scott. So I'm going to put you in for, for a table.

[A]

For a real table.

[D]

A real seat.

[B]

Oh, so you invited him. Him. But you you didn't expect to have a good enough time for him to earn a real table.

[D]

Listen.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Sometimes people are a no show.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

It's been a thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

So if you get yourself on the wait list which you've earned yourself today.

[A]

Okay. We've earned.

[B]

Congrats.

[D]

You can get into yourself a chair.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, this sounds good. I mean I'd rather be sitting. Yeah. That's not too silly though. I think it's just a regular you're right, Quimper.

[D]

Oh, I like the fun one.

[A]

Okay. I'll try to do something with it. Okay.

[D]

All right.

[A]

Spruce it up somehow.

[B]

Maybe put some streamers.

[A]

I don't want it to be, like, kind of ethnically offensive, though, with me. You know what I mean? Like, if it feels like making your jacket fun feels like, oh, I'm gonna put, like, something on it that is gonna be culturally, you're like, fun.

[B]

Jackets are for black people. Not so much for me.

[C]

No, I'm not. Not saying that at all.

[A]

Although if I looked like one of the kings of comedy, would it be all that bad?

[B]

Scott the entertainer. It has a ring to it.

[A]

We'll get you on the Oscars, Langston. Don't you worry. All right? We're gonna get to our next guest. He's a widower. We're very sad to hear about that, but let's welcome him to Comedy Bang Bang. Please welcome Willie Ward.

[C]

Thanks for having me here, Scott.

[A]

Hey, sure. No problem. This is Gwimper in Langston.

[C]

Hi. Hey, Gwimper. Hi, Langston.

[A]

Hey. So great to meet you. Willie. Willy Ward.

[C]

Willy ward. Yeah. I'm 65 years old. I've been a widower for two years now. And I'm coming on the show because I wanted to let you know I'm. I'm ready to find love again.

[B]

Oh, that's good.

[C]

Yeah. My beloved Dorothy, she passed away two years ago, and I'm sorry. Mourning her. But now, yeah, I want to get back out there. I want to experience love.

[B]

And you. You wanted to let Scott.

[A]

Yeah. You wanted to let me know or listeners.

[C]

I want your listeners to know. Yeah. Because, Scott, I love your show. I love your sense of humor.

[A]

Oh, thank you.

[C]

And that's something I'm looking forward, is a sense of humor.

[A]

Hopefully not mine, because.

[C]

No, I've prayed that. That I would be by. But I'm straight.

[A]

I didn't mean that. I just meant my sense of humor. On a pair of tits.

[C]

Hey.

[A]

I would.

[C]

I would say. I know. In fact, I would be a quick yes.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[C]

But, yeah. So I'd love to get the word out to all the listeners. I'm looking for a new. A new partner.

[A]

You know, there are dating apps and, like, a means of more direct communication with perhaps interested partners.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, those are. Those are possible, but I just figured this was the most obvious route, and I do this one first.

[B]

So you. You haven't even tried dating?

[C]

I haven't tried dating anyone since I lost my Dorothy.

[A]

When did You. You finally feel like you were ready this morning? This morning?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And you.

[C]

You booked this show and I booked this show.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That kind of. That's embarrassing for you, Scott, that you didn't.

[C]

The fact that, well, all the SL are leaving town post Oscars.

[B]

That's true.

[D]

Not until they get a seat at my table.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that's true. They got to stop at Mama Padre before they fly out.

[A]

Well, I mean, that's great. First of all, that you have crossed that Rubicon into feeling like. I mean, she was a very special woman. What was her name again?

[C]

Dorothy.

[A]

Dorothy. Dorothy Ward.

[C]

Dorothy Ward. Yeah. She was lovely. It was a tragedy when she passed.

[A]

Do you mind us asking how?

[C]

Oh, yeah. She was gunned down by one of my rival drug lords.

[A]

Oh, no, Willie, No, Willie, no.

[C]

I'm sorry. I'm a ruthless drug lord. I sell some of the hottest designer drugs in new Los Angeles.

[B]

Willie, you really baited us in with your. Your kind voice.

[C]

Oh, thanks.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

No, I, I, you know, I try to. I have two sides, you know, a sort of work half and a home half. Yeah.

[A]

What designer drugs? What are some of the hottest ones?

[C]

Some of the hottest designer drugs.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Special K. Special K. That's a big one.

[A]

Feels like an old one, though. What are some of the new.

[B]

That's rings of 90s.

[C]

Oh, there's one called smut. Oh.

[A]

What does smut do?

[C]

One taste of smut makes you instantly want to jack off.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

Because it puts the hottest sexual fantasy in your head.

[D]

One time I saw Joe Francis do it. Whole bunch of sput in my restaurant. And then I said, I'll get jacked off at one of my.

[A]

So this makes you want to jack?

[C]

Yeah. So for me, I take it, it makes me think of Dorothy. Oh, greatest sexual fantasy.

[A]

Sweet.

[B]

Most people are taking it with the intention of getting jacked off. You not having dated since Dorothy, you're taking.

[C]

Look, it gives you the impulse that you want the jack off.

[A]

I just want to be clear.

[B]

Are you on or not?

[A]

Both of you think. Think that someone else is going to do the jacking off. It sounds to me as if it just makes you want to joke. That's what I'm trying to get at your disposal. Yeah.

[B]

Are you doing smut and are you jacking off?

[A]

Yes, yes.

[C]

I do it every night and I think of my deceased wife and I jack off.

[A]

It sounds to me like maybe you jacked off. You came and then you were like, you know what? I'm over this.

[C]

Yeah, exactly. Someone else has Got to start doing this for me. I'm getting up there.

[A]

My arms are tired.

[D]

You do have a lot of calluses on you. Your hand.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Yeah. Is that a different drug, though? One that. That gets you jacked off by someone else?

[C]

We. My designers are working in the lab on something that is like a magnet for hands, but we don't have that yet.

[A]

For hands.

[C]

Yeah, to get you jacked off.

[A]

So you have drug designers at your.

[C]

Oh, yeah, yeah, we got. We got a ton of drugs. We've got, you know, they have some successes and some fail failures.

[A]

Okay, so what are some of the failures?

[C]

A failure slice. S, L, Y, C, C, E. Oh, okay.

[A]

What did that do?

[C]

Oh, no, it didn't get you high. It just cured the common cold, and it's. And it's okay for infants.

[B]

Oh, that's not good.

[D]

Wait, that sounds great.

[A]

Yeah, it sounds like something that you shouldn't. You just threw it away, you said.

[C]

Yeah, we threw it away because it didn't. It didn't give you that dangerous high

[D]

every time it's a goal to do the jack off.

[C]

No, that's just smuts.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's pretty unique amongst your drugs. Yeah, the other one's good. Get you high.

[C]

Other ones get you meme. That gets you high.

[B]

Oh, meme.

[C]

And it's 1,000 times more addictive than smartphones.

[A]

O. That's pretty addictive, I gotta say. Yeah. Sounds like you're. That's like a societal comment.

[C]

Yeah, exactly. That's why we developed it.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, this?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You went out going, we're gonna make a. We're gonna make this thematic.

[C]

I had just watched Dr. Strange, Love, and I went into the lab one day, I said, we need a satirical drug, everyone, you know, and. And so we made this drug that. Yeah.

[B]

How much. How much does. I'm going to say a gram of meme cost?

[A]

And how much do you have to take? Is it just a gram?

[C]

A gram is exactly how much you take. Yeah.

[B]

Like, what's a lot of meme one bitcoin.

[C]

We only take crypto.

[D]

Isn't that like $18,000?

[A]

That's a lot of money.

[C]

It's worth it.

[A]

When you.

[C]

When you take it.

[A]

How long does it get you high for? About.

[C]

About a four fortnite.

[B]

Oh, that's.

[A]

That's not bad. Two weeks is actually pretty good. Yeah. Clear your calendar, I guess. Yeah. Langston, of course. You can't do that until after the show at the Legion Theater.

[C]

Our top selling drug.

[D]

Celebrate your big show.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

May 6th top selling drug. Sting. Sting. Like the singer or like would be.

[B]

Or the wrestler.

[C]

Yeah, like this. Look, both of you said words that are spelled the exact same.

[A]

So. Yeah. So. So. Yes, all of us.

[C]

All of them. Yes. S T I N G. Yeah. ST. Great. One taste instantly kills you.

[A]

Why would anyone take.

[C]

Because it gives you the ultimate high.

[B]

Oh, man of death. Oh.

[D]

Like right before that.

[C]

And then. Yeah, I suppose that you said instantly kills you instantly. Yeah.

[A]

So there is no instant before dying.

[C]

Good point.

[B]

It sounds like Sting is rat poison.

[C]

You know, I just sort of believe what the guys tell me in the sort of R and D this is

[A]

out on the streets.

[C]

The Sting.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Holy shit.

[C]

If you've ever known someone who died of drugs, it was Sting. Oh, gosh.

[A]

What? I mean, I hate to just really focus on these drugs.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. We could talk about my wife or.

[B]

Well, I guess I'm wondering, was she in. In your organization?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

No. No.

[A]

She did it.

[C]

She was. She. She, you know, she knew what I did. I didn't keep secrets from her or anything, but. Yeah, she was, you know, turn to blind eyes. Turn a blind eye.

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

Yeah, she was a lovely lady. She was a lifeguard and.

[A]

Lifeguard.

[C]

Really?

[A]

You made her work?

[C]

Well, she loved guarding lives.

[D]

She was a lifeguard and you were giving people drugs and killing them.

[A]

Isn't that. Isn't that ironic that she was guarding lives and yet her life was lost and no one was there to guard her?

[C]

While I was there, I. You know, she was showing me some new BMX tricks in the cul de sac where we live.

[A]

She. She was a stunt biker.

[C]

Yeah, well. Well, she was a lifeguard, but she riding with bmx.

[B]

It sounds like she was just an awesome lady.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, she was awesome.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

She's so rad.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And I went in the house to get some lemonade and came out, she's lying there in a pool of blood. Cars driving off. Vanity plate sicario.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

Vanity.

[A]

So how was the lemonade?

[C]

Delicious. Yeah. So you.

[A]

You drank the.

[C]

I drank the full glass. I had another one as well. You never know that.

[A]

You went back to the kitchen know.

[B]

You never know how much you're going to appreciate the lemonade on the day that your wife died.

[A]

You need to stay hydrated when this kind of thing.

[B]

It probably is the most delicious lemonade you can have.

[C]

It really was.

[A]

It really helped because you're alive and she's not.

[B]

Kickstart the healing, you start to really appreciate life.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

I Have to ask.

[A]

Your.

[B]

Your wife was a lifeguard.

[A]

How.

[B]

How old?

[C]

75.

[B]

75.

[A]

That's not. That's fine to be. I mean, as long as you stay kind of in the show. Right.

[C]

She would go to, you know, when they have the elderly swim, she would be the elderly lifeguard. They don't like. They don't like, you know, mixing up age brackets.

[B]

Oh, they don't like young hot people to save them.

[A]

Oh, I see. Because. Because of a Baywatch situation, someone might jack off.

[C]

They just don't trust. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[D]

No drugs needed.

[A]

Yep. Pamela Anderson. I don't need any of that drug.

[C]

I got that show canceled because there was too much competition.

[B]

Yeah, you don't need smut for that one.

[A]

So she, I mean, she sounds like. Where did you guys meet, if you don't mind?

[C]

The beach.

[A]

The beach? What were you doing on the beach?

[C]

Selling drugs.

[B]

Oh my goodness.

[A]

Yeah. And yet these two star crossed lovers got together. Even though technically she should have ratted you out.

[B]

She has some responsibility to stop the drugs.

[A]

Danger to the beach.

[B]

On her beach.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

Well, no, no, she wasn't a lifeguard on this beach. We were just both enjoying a beachy day.

[D]

What kind of bathing suit was she wearing?

[C]

Three piece.

[A]

Three piece. What's the third piece?

[C]

Like a sort of strip around the middle. Like a.

[A]

A bike pack?

[C]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Was she on Baywatch?

[C]

She was on a reality spin off. They did the real Baywatch.

[A]

The real Bay. Okay, cool. So she was. When you say she wasn't a lifeguard. She was pretending to be alive.

[C]

Well, you know, it's one of those things where they're filming so they have to, for insurance purposes, have a real lifeguard.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Present.

[A]

Got it. But she was acting like a life.

[C]

But she was. Yes.

[A]

She really splitting hairs. You're really being pedantic when I say she wasn't a lifeguard.

[C]

That's a good point. I guess I was.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Sorry.

[A]

Kind of an move.

[C]

You know, I'm still. There's a lot going on for me today.

[B]

Yeah, you're real. You're real. You're outside. You're really trying to find love.

[A]

Yeah. So what. What are you looking for? I mean, other than my sense of humor.

[C]

Sense of humor? Hey, doesn't hurt if you already own a bulletproof vest.

[B]

Oh, but.

[A]

But you do own some.

[C]

That you can.

[A]

I own some.

[B]

But.

[C]

But if you have one that looks flattering on you, that'd be great.

[B]

Whimper. Are.

[A]

Are you. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that's right.

[D]

You've never Had a relationship and my ears are perked. I'm listening hard because I'm a little bit interested in this dangerous life.

[A]

Do you own a bulletproof vest?

[D]

I do own the restaurant business is very. And a Burlington Go Factory. That thing gets robbed all the time.

[A]

I thought the Burlington people would cook one up for you. Oh, yeah.

[C]

You just asked them to sew that in.

[D]

They sew it in. They could sew it into my. To my vest.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Illegal to have a bulletproof vest. Oh, don't they arrest rappers for it all the.

[B]

I don't think so.

[A]

I think you think they do. Don't.

[B]

Oh, really? I think you can Wait.

[D]

You cannot wear. What do you mean you can't wear a Bolivar fast. I wear them.

[A]

I swear to God that this is

[B]

a big bad bunny. Have one on at the. The Grammys.

[A]

It is. Lee. It's generally legal, says AI overview for law abiding citizens to own and wear bulletproof vests in the United States. However, it's a federal crime for individuals convicted of a violent felony to possess body armor. Oh, that's. That's where we're going. Why. I don't know why you.

[D]

Those people need more, Right?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Is it your punishment?

[B]

That sounds like a way to like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Add some time to some charges.

[A]

Yeah. This is how they're keeping people down.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, look, I. I have no complaints about the criminal justice system, but

[A]

have you ever been incarcerated at all?

[C]

Oh, no, no, no, no.

[A]

You've kept.

[C]

And you mean in jail, not just getting it across car.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So you.

[A]

You are. Okay. This is not F1.

[C]

Although. Big win last night.

[A]

Big win. Big win.

[D]

My Brad. My Brad.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So you. But he was at your restaurant during the Oscars.

[D]

That's right. They had. They had to patch him in.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

From my restaurant.

[B]

You are. You are this open about your drug practice?

[C]

Oh, I'm a untouchable.

[B]

Yeah. Wow.

[A]

Yeah. Have you put the fear of God into cops or something? By, I mean.

[C]

Oh, yeah. I mean, they're on my payroll. Oh, okay.

[B]

That's really smart.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. I pay them, you know, I give them drugs and they all do the drugs and they are happy and, you know, they jack off and stuff.

[B]

And I do think that that maybe that's where other drug kingpins have failed is they weren't helping people jack off.

[A]

So these dirty cops. So they. They are. It kind of tells you like, man, if dirty cops are happy when they take these drugs, why aren't these drugs just legal for everybody?

[C]

That's happy that you're preaching to the choir.

[A]

Would you prefer they be legal? Because then the markup wouldn't be so high if they were. No.

[C]

Then I got to do all the paperwork of, you know, FDA approvals and all that.

[A]

Yeah. You'd rather they just.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah, I want to be a drug

[A]

you stuck your tongue out like Blick.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

Is one of your competitors the little

[A]

blue peel Viagra we're talking about? You know what I'm saying? That makes you want to jack off, does it? I don't know.

[C]

I guess it doesn't hurt.

[A]

I don't know.

[D]

I don't know much about it. I've just only heard about it.

[C]

I mean, look, yeah, I wish. I wish no other drug. I wish I could quarter the market on everything, but, but yeah, you know, yeah, we just meme sting.

[A]

Gash. What's gash?

[C]

Gash. You take gash, and then you'll instantly. And it's always a crapshoot. Which one? You'll see a member of the order of the game. Gash.

[A]

What is the order?

[C]

Those are the cedo bites from the Hellraiser films.

[B]

Yes, of course.

[A]

I got to ask Adam Scott about that Butterball.

[C]

Butterball, exactly.

[A]

Caterer. I, I, I, I mean, I've saw Hellraiser. I just don't remember it. You should. Come on. Scott hasn't seen him. Sounds like you're a big, a big fan of.

[C]

Oh, I love him. I've seen the, the, the quartet of torment.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Sometimes it feels as. Almost as if pain is just the other side of pleasure when it comes to the. Those films.

[C]

Oh, that's, That's a good analysis.

[A]

Yeah. Pretty unique.

[B]

That was nice.

[A]

So what else are you looking for in a, In a. A partner.

[C]

BMX is a plus.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

But not necessary. I'm not looking to vertigo somebody and make them exactly like worthy. You could be your own person.

[A]

But you have all the bikes.

[C]

But I still have all the bikes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Gwimper, Are. Are you by chance an extreme lady?

[D]

I have never done a BMX bike, but I'm ready to learn.

[A]

Okay. All right.

[D]

I have do skateboard.

[B]

Willie, you perked up a little bit at hearing that.

[C]

I, I, Beautiful lady here on the show. I, I come on here thinking I got to wait for listeners to. To phone in or at the very least, comment on the Instagram.

[A]

Sure. Yeah. I don't. We're not taking calls.

[D]

Right. He fixes. Right.

[A]

Oh, that's an astonishing amount of saliva.

[D]

He takes a little penicle yeah.

[A]

Has no one ever. Oh my God. What was that? That was some sort of fart that came out of you. Have you had your one bean today

[B]

that wasn't fire at all that you were talking about.

[A]

Has no one called you beautiful before Gwimper?

[D]

No.

[C]

Well, that. That's a tragedy, I gotta say.

[B]

Yeah, that is a shame.

[A]

That is a tragedy. I'm not gonna say it, but.

[B]

No, it's not. It's not front of mind what I believe. Yeah.

[A]

I don't like to lie.

[C]

No, it's not a comedy, but.

[A]

But, but I'm glad that you feel that way. What else are you looking for? Maybe Gwimper possesses these qualities.

[C]

I guess, I don't know off the top of my head, sort of like an innate knowledge of like a seating chart.

[A]

How do you mean? What seating chart? Do you just.

[C]

It doesn't matter to me just as

[A]

long as know like you.

[C]

You could be like, yep, I know

[D]

where somebody should table four is.

[C]

I know where table seven is. That's a two time.

[D]

I know if they have their salted paper shakers. I know how to take care of these people at their numbered seat.

[A]

Okay, so I mean it sounds. I mean. Yeah.

[D]

Can I just add one bonus? I am alive.

[A]

That's true. That you are looking for someone alive.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, that's.

[A]

That's been.

[C]

Honestly, we got along great, me and Dorothy over the years. And then the. The biggest sort of issue with us her being dead.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. That became a relationship just really turned sour.

[C]

I go to my shrink and I'm always griping about another complaint about my. My wife Dorothy.

[D]

No therapy.

[C]

No fix that. Not alive.

[B]

Oh, you. You continued to complain about her even after her death.

[C]

Well, that was when the complaining started.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. The day after. Yeah. Did you go to therapy the day after she was. Dad.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. That's a good time.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Yeah, that's. It is a good time.

[A]

You know, you go strike while.

[B]

I might need some help with this. Yeah.

[D]

So I appreciate that quality.

[A]

You know, if you guys want to go on a date under the table. Under the table.

[D]

We'll record it under the table and dreaming.

[A]

Yeah. And then if you want to go on a second date, we'll pay for it. So.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

But the first date, you guys, if you.

[D]

If you meet on the pod cash, you pay for the second date.

[A]

For the second date, not the first one.

[C]

And when you say you record it like we do it here or we like on us so we can do it.

[D]

You record all the sex sounds.

[A]

I notice you're getting very excited at the thought of lobs and mic packs

[B]

of that three piece.

[A]

No, unfortunately, we don't have that kind of equipment. If you want to go on a date right now, we'll. We'll record it right now and. And we'll listen to it. Langston and I will sit here and we'll be sort of like. What was that TV show? The reality show where people would sit there and comment on dates that were happening next.

[D]

No. Crush? No, the one with the black lights.

[A]

I love that you have three right off the top of your head. One of those. But we'll. We'll do that for you. Do you want to maybe just have a little first date right now?

[C]

Yeah, sure.

[D]

Hey. Hey. Have you're looking. Really? I'm loving what you. Hi there.

[A]

Welcome to olive garden. It's 15 minutes until you can order your pasta. Sorry.

[D]

Can we go ahead and put in a wet. Wet app?

[A]

Sure. I'd prefer to get your drinks here first, though. Do you want anything to drink? What kind of water do you want?

[C]

Do you want just olive water? Sounds good.

[D]

Olive water and I'll take bread water.

[A]

I just want to make sure. Are you saying olive or all of our water? Because we need to give it to other people.

[C]

I went half of the your water, but I want olive water.

[B]

I'm sorry. I'm. I'm the manager here. I'm just.

[D]

Oh, I know.

[B]

No, you're doing fine.

[D]

I know you, and we have a history in the past.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You know, this customer of mine.

[B]

We've. We've met before. She whimper actually was an employee here once.

[D]

That's right.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

And.

[D]

And I confessed my love to you, and you. You slammed the door on my face.

[B]

Well, I think. I think gwimper. The timing was a little inappropriate. It was a staff meeting.

[A]

Yeah, a work environment.

[B]

That's not how we conduct ourselves at

[D]

the Olive G. I didn't know love was on a timeline.

[A]

Now that she's talking, I didn't know there were rules. Yeah, I have feelings for you too, I have to say.

[B]

And again, Scott, this is a staff meeting.

[A]

This is a staff meeting.

[D]

You're having the staff meeting at our first date table.

[A]

I'm so sorry. I was waiting on these people.

[B]

I. Part of why I came over was to try to expedite.

[A]

Oh, guys, we're not open. I'm so sorry. This is a staff meeting.

[B]

I totally forgot that it's 4:30.

[C]

I just got to add though it's

[D]

4:30 where we can eat. Oh, Mama Padre. We have a table in the back where we sit on our legs.

[C]

Oh, I can do that. I'm very flexible.

[A]

Let me bring the mics.

[D]

I've never been wetter.

[A]

How far is it?

[D]

It's only 16. 16 more blocks.

[A]

16 more blocks. Time dissolved. Okay, right here.

[D]

Right this way. Right this way to the back here.

[C]

Wow. Those 16 blocks. Did you ever see that movie 16 blocks?

[A]

Hey, sorry, Mosta.

[C]

Maybe.

[B]

I'm the, I'm the junior manager here at, at, at Mama Padre and.

[D]

Hi, Keith.

[B]

Hey. Nobody's seen that movie. We, we don't. We are you, you have on a jacket. Thank you so much. We don't talk about the movie 16 blocks.

[A]

At the restaurant, you take customers without jackets.

[D]

No, no. Tell them, Keith.

[A]

I mean, without silly jackets. Is my jacket silly enough?

[B]

Please come in.

[A]

Do you want, do you have it? Like any judges who can look at my jacket and determine whether it's silly enough?

[B]

I, I, I'm looking at it.

[D]

Get the judges from a Burlington.

[B]

Yeah, but it's silly. It's, it's a jacket.

[A]

There are judges in the Burlington Coat Factory.

[B]

Why do I have to get the judges? It's just.

[A]

Who's this guy?

[C]

I'm, I'm trying to look at your jacket and figure out.

[A]

Are you one of the judges?

[D]

I like the flamingos eating chili.

[A]

Yeah, that. I thought that was a silly time.

[D]

Silly.

[B]

But, but I think we can all agree it's silly. Why do I have to call the judges to come?

[D]

I just want.

[C]

And why does the caption say it's flamingos eating chili? And then it has a caption that says, why am I not surprised it's Tuesday?

[B]

Which that part doesn't even.

[C]

I don't get it.

[A]

Really? Look.

[B]

Yes, it's very.

[A]

I got it from the newspaper. Funny page.

[B]

Yeah, it's, it's objectively a silly jacket.

[C]

More questions than answers.

[B]

I, I'm not in disagreement about it being silly. I think we can invite this person.

[C]

You know what?

[A]

All of you. You don't want to eat here anyway.

[B]

You don't have to be this way. You're more than welcome to eat.

[A]

Goodbye. I'm taking my bike with me.

[D]

Oh, no.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

It's weird that we can still hear her in the headphones.

[A]

I know.

[C]

Was that Cate Blanchett?

[D]

That was. Shoot. Kate. She's a regular.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

At Mama Padre.

[D]

Yeah. Well, you're, you're on the clock, Keith. You're taking over while I'M on this date.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm sorry. Please put. Put in your order whenever, but. But thanks.

[D]

Can I suggest the wet wet?

[C]

Yeah, that sounds great. That'd be perfect for me.

[D]

We're gonna get two orders of the wet wet.

[A]

Two.

[B]

Two orders of. Of the wet wet is what I'm hearing. And I'm gonna write that down and I'm gonna get real.

[A]

I'm gonna get started. Just. I'm another patron of this.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

I just had to come.

[C]

Is that the health inspector?

[A]

I just had to comment. This guy's technique is amazing. He heard the order and they decided.

[B]

I'm gonna get started on that right away. Just one question because you are both getting the wet wet. Do you want that in a single one wet wet bowl?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

We're gonna sloop it up together like lady and the Tramp.

[B]

Okay, sounds good. Big old wet wet bowl coming up.

[A]

Where's my food?

[B]

By the way?

[D]

Get Leonardo DiCaprio his food please.

[B]

Sir.

[A]

Big winner from last night. I know we didn't take F1 1, but. Yeah. We were all disappointed that the movie

[C]

didn't win, but you part of the five way tie for actor.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Leo. Leo. It's an honor to have you here in disguise as usual.

[A]

Of course. Yes.

[B]

And we will get you.

[A]

And my girlfriend is in disguise as a 40 year old.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

[A]

She unrecognizable.

[B]

She's got her big girl clothes on and she's doing big girl things at Mama Padre.

[D]

Nice suit jacket.

[B]

Beautiful suit jacket.

[A]

But we order. We ordered 60 seconds ago.

[B]

And where's food for a second remind me, what is it that you ordered?

[A]

I have the dry dry salad.

[B]

Dry, dry salad.

[D]

That's our specialty.

[A]

That's yum. I had heard that the other.

[D]

It has a lot. You've seen it, Keith. You've had. When we had our staff meeting here and I have everybody try all the new dishes.

[B]

Y.

[D]

And what did you say this thing crunches? Nothing I've ever crunched.

[A]

It's got a lot of sand in it. I heard from someone's jacket.

[D]

That's right.

[B]

Yeah, it. It, it. Well, that's what we do. We. We dip croutons in a sand.

[A]

Say no more. More. I'm really hungry though. I need my food. Okay.

[B]

Yeah. And I'm sorry to upset you, miss.

[A]

Oh, that.

[D]

Oh, that was Harvey Fierstein. He's also.

[A]

You just want to be loved. Is that so wrong?

[B]

You lost a lot of weight, man.

[A]

I did because I've been eating. I'm really hungry.

[B]

Yeah, no, that's. And again, I'm sorry to interrupt your date. Please go back to. To everything you're.

[D]

We've been playing a lot of footsie.

[C]

Yeah. And I've been trying to kind of of hint at plot points from 16 blocks, so.

[A]

With your feet.

[C]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

I. Morse code.

[A]

What was the plot of 16 blocks?

[B]

Sorry, I. I thought I was pretty clear. Don't.

[C]

Oh, right. Sorry.

[A]

No one's ever heard of that is what you were saying?

[B]

Leo, respectfully, you have a table. You're here with Leo.

[D]

Is your girl not keeping you interested?

[C]

I.

[A]

Not really. Honestly, I. I told her not to talk to them tonight, and I'm just looking for some human connection. Do you guys mind if I join you?

[D]

What do you say, Ward?

[C]

I guess so, yeah.

[A]

Why are you calling him by his last name?

[D]

We're very comfortable. I've been playing footsie with his dong all night.

[A]

Did you take some of that drug that I've heard about that makes you want to jack off?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Smut, I believe.

[A]

Smut. Smut. Do you have any extra smut? Sure.

[C]

Here you go.

[B]

Ding.

[D]

Go.

[A]

Gulp. Oh, my God.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Oh, my God. This feels amazing. Wait, this is the one that makes me die instantly.

[D]

Mixed them.

[B]

Leonardo DiCaprio died in front of us.

[A]

Oh, no. Oh, Harvey.

[C]

First of all, for you, Harvey, you were closest to him.

[A]

We were best friends.

[C]

Yeah,

[D]

but please, what a date.

[B]

Your love do.

[D]

It's palpable.

[C]

Yeah, well, I think if we say it was successful, then they pay for the next one. So should we just say this was a good.

[D]

This was a good. Successful, successful.

[C]

Hi.

[A]

Scott Aukerman here of Comedy Bang Bang. Sounds to me like we're paying for your second date.

[D]

All right, all right.

[A]

So this went pretty well, I think. Yeah. Let's run back to the studio.

[D]

I just ran into one of those food machines that drives.

[B]

You guys are out of breath. I never left.

[A]

What's been going on here? We were gone for hours. Leon Caprio's dead. Did you see it on tmv?

[B]

I did catch that. It really would have helped me if you, like, mentioned how long you were going to be gone.

[A]

Yeah, Willie killed him by shooting the wrong drug into his wrong pill.

[B]

Yeah, that's. That's not cool, man. But you are untouchable, and that's true.

[A]

Yeah. Anyway, but how did the date go for you guys? It sounds like you're both still interested.

[C]

Yeah, I'm in love.

[D]

I'm in very much love.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

This is what love is.

[A]

You see a future.

[D]

I want to know what love is. And I know now.

[B]

Oh, yeah. The song means something.

[A]

And you don't have any qualms? Squimper about about what does?

[D]

I can change him.

[A]

Oh, okay. Willie, are you okay with that? Someone who wants to change you? Yep. Are you looking to get out of the game or. Hi. Hey.

[C]

I just. My most important thing is I want to be with someone who loves me and. Yeah.

[A]

So Dorothy never tried to get.

[C]

Family's more important than career.

[A]

Dorothy never said hey.

[C]

No. I would always drop hints. She should try to change it. She never wanted to change it.

[A]

Okay, so you're on board. Grandpa wants to change you.

[C]

So I was like, you know, I think for that this more important if you didn't want me to do this.

[A]

No, no, no. It's fine. Okay. So who's gonna take over your drug empire? Cuz. Langston and I, honestly, we. We only work as a team.

[B]

That. That honestly would be a perfect pair for a drug empire.

[A]

We can take it over.

[C]

It's all yours.

[D]

If you're not gonna write for the Oscars, you might. You can sell drugs.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

2.

[B]

Get you a girl who can do both.

[A]

All right, this sounds great. Okay, well, I think we have a deal, guys.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This is fantastic. We'll pay for your second date. Unless your second date isn't a water park. Yep.

[C]

We're going to Hurricane harbor for our second date.

[A]

How much are Hurricane harbor tickets these days?

[C]

375.

[A]

375.

[C]

I would say the second part first. She was saying the first part cuz

[D]

we got to get a fast pass.

[A]

You guys sentence each other's completes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. Well, guys, this is. We've made love once more on Comedy Bang Bang. We love to see it. We are running time out of of time, though. We only have time for one final feature on the show, and that is, of course, a little something called plugs. All right, that was metal, but Plugs by Goofs and Gigs. Thanks to Goofs and Gigs. If you have a Plugs theme, head over to cbb world.com plugs. You can find everything you need over there to upload it. And you can also find things to download for some stems you might need for the remixes for closing up the plug bag. Remixes. All right, guys, what do we want to plug? Langston, Big show coming up May 6th.

[B]

Come see me live at the Elysian Theater in Los Angeles. I. I'll be telling my coveted little jokes, and it'll be a great time. And you can follow me at all at Langston Kerman on all social media platforms. And if it's Lang Stonkerman for you,

[A]

that you'll take them as well. You. You enjoy the comedy Bang Bang fans?

[B]

I enjoy them just fine.

[A]

Sure. You don't want them necessarily coming to

[B]

your show, but we don't talk about a lot that we probably would understand with. With each other. But I like you guys a lot.

[A]

And do you have shows that are not this one particular show as well coming up? I have lots.

[B]

I'm on tour right now. It's the aspiring Deadbeat Tour. I'm hitting all sorts of cities near you. You can find all that@langston kerman.com.

[A]

wonderful. All right, Gwimper, Gwimper, Sandbag. What do you want to plug here?

[D]

I want to our. Our mocktails and cocktails and the wet, wet chicken sweet salad, and then I'll go ahead and plug. I overheard some clientele talking about a show coming out this summer called the Hawk.

[A]

The Hawk. Oh, yeah. Will Ferrell's show.

[B]

Right.

[D]

Yeah, I heard him talking about it.

[A]

Oh, okay. This is his Netflix show about a. Is it a golfer?

[D]

He's a golfer.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And he hits a ball around. Pushes.

[A]

That's what golfers do.

[D]

They push the ball around. They try to get it in a little hole.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And to make the hole bigger. Fas. Make the hell bigger.

[A]

I'm not talking about golf right now, if you know what I'm saying.

[D]

Hey, I have a boyfriend now, so I get it. I have a boyfriend now, so I get it.

[A]

Make it huge.

[B]

Trying to swim in that thing.

[D]

I want to hear an echo. Am I right, guys? I have a boyfriend now.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

So.

[D]

So that show and then anything about Patrick on any of the Socials.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And Willie Ward, you obviously don't have a drug empire anymore. Are you watching any tv?

[C]

Widower Willie Ward, the Love Lauren drug lord. That's me. Yeah. One of my clients also wanted me to promote something. The animated show Digman, if you've ever heard it promoted on this show before.

[A]

I feel like Andy Samberg and another gentleman have come on this show and talked about this. Yeah. They created.

[C]

And then probably you were like, oh, maybe I'd want to watch that. Do I do it? Well, I needed to be watching Comedy Central at 10:30 on Wednesday, like, it's the 90s. So if you ever were, like, I'd like to watch it, but it seems difficult to do. Starting tomorrow, March 17, on Netflix. Both seasons now available. Incredible.

[A]

Because it was a byzantine process. Of how to watch the show before. And now they've removed all barriers other than the money that Netflix requires you to pay them. Yes, that.

[C]

That we're happy to give them.

[A]

We love giving them their money.

[B]

More people should give them their money.

[A]

Yeah, but it's both seasons. That's great because I was worried it was going to be a windowed process of one season, then another, but it's just both.

[C]

I'll say this. I was told both seasons and nothing would surprise me at this point.

[A]

So you're in the know about this kind of stuff, Willie?

[C]

Well, I was told by my client, Neil, a manager.

[A]

My.

[C]

My drug client. Oh, he's addicted to all my different drugs.

[A]

Even the one that kills you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, I guess he's saving that one. Yeah. Fake tooth.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, that's fantastic. I want to plug. Hey, head over to cbb world.com comedy bang bang world dot com. Over there we have the full archive of comedy bang bang. All 970 some odd episodes of this show, plus over a hundred live episodes on all ad free. We also have other shows there like womp it up with Marissa Wampler. Hey Randy. With Randy Snuts. We have Collegetown, the neighborhood. Listen. Ad free Threedom. So much stuff going on over there. And hey, we have a new website as well. We just spruced up the website where you can go on that and make your own playlist. You can search by character. You can do all sorts of really fun stuff over there. There. So go over to cbbworld.com. you're going to really like what you see over there. And also, I have something coming out with DC Comics. I'm in. I wrote a Batman story for the new Mad magazine thing coming out on April 1st. So go check that out. All right. Let's close up the old plug bag, Baby. I want to close that bag. I wanna make it right now.

[B]

Wanna kiss everybody now you know.

[A]

All right, that was Kiss Kiss Clothes by Daniel Preston. Thank you, Daniel. And guys, beautiful piece. Speaking of thank you, Langston, it's almost not enough to say thank you anymore. You're a member of the six timers club.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're a legend. Com Legends. Yes. Not a silly jacket.

[B]

Not a silly jacket. A serious.

[A]

A very ceremonial jacket wouldn't necessarily get

[D]

you into snorefest jacket.

[A]

It is a snore fest. It has snorefest branding and logo on the back, if that's okay.

[B]

That part does.

[A]

The one time that we tried to get snorefest going back in 2019, but, Gwimper, I want to thank you so much for being here.

[D]

Thank you for having me. I've had a blast in love.

[A]

And you're finally together with Willie Ward here. He's out of the drug trade as of now, and I've been lucky.

[C]

Love as well.

[A]

And by the way, Langston, I've checked our joint bank account. I opened a joint. Joint bank account. I hope you don't mind. For our drug business.

[B]

Oh, yeah, of course.

[C]

Right.

[A]

How many joints do we sell every year, by the way?

[D]

Thousands.

[A]

Thousands of joints.

[B]

Thousands of joints.

[D]

Wow.

[B]

This is an empire.

[A]

Check out these numbers, doggy. That's how much we're making now. We don't need show business anymore.

[B]

No, show business sucks compared to that.

[A]

Call Ted Sarandos. Cancel your show, man. We're drug lords now.

[B]

Let him.

[A]

Me? Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm not showing up.

[D]

Netflix is a joke compared to the drug business.

[A]

Hell yeah. Oh, thanks so much, Willie. I gotta say, thank you. Yeah, I really appreciate all the money.

[B]

He really traded love for all that.

[A]

By the way, I'm looking at my window and I see a car parked outside. There's a vanity license plate I'm trying to make out. I think it says S. Says sikum.

[C]

Well, hey, don't. Don't. Well, that might be the dog catcher.

[A]

And maybe it's a truant officer as well. You don't see dog catchers and truant officers enough these days out on the street. Yeah. Interesting. Oh, no, it's a saario.

[C]

Not my problem. Oh, no, that's for us.

[A]

That's for us. Oh, we'll see you next. Hopefully we'll see you next time. Bye.

[D]

I'll cancel your reservation.

[A]

Why have I asked my electrician I found on Angie.com to bury my pet hamster? I was so moved by how carefully he buried my electrical wires, I knew I could trust him to bury my sweet nibbles after his untimely end.

[B]

This is very strange, Angie.

[A]

The one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home [e-mail].

[D]

i need to start off the new year right?

[A]

By getting the most for my money. I just opened a goto bank account and it's paying off out the gate. I want to save money on filing my taxes. Look no further than Go2Bank.

[B]

You'll get 20 off TurboTax when filing your 2025 taxes.

[D]

That sounds like a great way to start the year.

[B]

Open your GoToBank account today and get started.

[A]

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