I Hate Richmond

Summary

Summary of "Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend" Episode: "I Hate Richmond"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
• Host/Author: Team Coco & Earwolf
• Episode: I Hate Richmond
• Release Date: March 20, 2025

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Introduction

In the "I Hate Richmond" episode of Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend, Conan O’Brien engages in a heartfelt and humorous conversation with Stephanie, a passionate geography professor from Richmond, Virginia. The episode delves into Stephanie’s professional life, her frustrations with her current living situation, her perspectives on climate change, and the challenges of parenting young children. Through witty banter and insightful dialogue, Conan and Stephanie explore the complexities of balancing personal well-being with professional responsibilities.

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Stephanie’s Professional Journey and Challenges

Academic Life in Richmond

Stephanie opens up about her career as a geography professor, highlighting her dedication to studying environmental changes and mapping historically significant sites. At [00:02], Conan playfully questions her genius, leading Stephanie to discuss her work:

Stephanie: “I use satellite data to understand changes in the landscape. I also use drones to help map historically black cemeteries that haven't been funded.”
[05:52]

Despite her passion, Stephanie expresses significant frustration with living in Richmond, citing the climate and the academic hierarchy as major stressors:

Stephanie: “I miss your... I miss your bugs and the humidity and the heat and their inability to deal with snow.”
[27:14]

Balancing Passion and Frustration

Stephanie navigates the complexities of her role, balancing groundbreaking research with the personal dissatisfaction of her environment. Conan empathizes while infusing humor into the conversation, suggesting unconventional solutions to her frustrations:

Conan: “Then get out of there. Get out.”
[27:13]

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Climate Change and Personal Anxiety

Impact of Climate Change

A significant portion of the episode focuses on climate change, both as a global issue and a personal source of anxiety for Stephanie and Conan. At [05:11], Stephanie discusses her research on how climate change affects fall foliage in Maine and deforestation in Brazil:

Stephanie: “I study how climate change is affecting the timing of fall foliage in Maine... and how deforestation in Brazil is affecting the regional climate.”
[05:11]

Coping Mechanisms

Stephanie offers valuable advice on managing climate anxiety, emphasizing the importance of connecting with nature and taking small, actionable steps:

Stephanie: “Just getting outside and breathing and taking a walk and connecting with nature... eat one less burger a week.”
[08:26]

Conan relates to these feelings, sharing his own experiences with anxiety and seeking Stephanie’s perspective on fostering a positive outlook amidst environmental concerns.

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Parenting Wild Children

Energetic and Curious Kids

Stephanie describes her two young children as exceptionally energetic and curious, often engaging in adventurous activities like mushroom hunting:

Stephanie: “I have two kids... and they're pretty feral. We always go mushroom hunting.”
[21:17]

Challenges and Humor in Parenting

Conan and Stephanie navigate the humorous yet challenging aspects of parenting, discussing strategies to manage their children’s boundless energy. Conan jokingly suggests extreme measures, leading to a lighthearted exchange about responsible parenting:

Conan: “Do you have duct tape?”
[25:03]

Stephanie: “Yeah. Get the really strong electrical kind...”
[25:06]

Their playful banter underscores the universal challenges of raising young, inquisitive children while maintaining sanity.

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Reconnecting with Nature

Advocating for Outdoor Activity

Stephanie passionately advocates for spending more time outdoors and reducing screen time. At [17:57], she emphasizes the mental and physical benefits of reconnecting with nature:

Stephanie: “Everyone should just get out more and breathe more oxygen and stop looking at your phones more.”
[17:57]

Conan adds his own twist by mentioning an app that showcases nature but humorously points out its frequent intrusive ads, blending humor with the conversation's serious undertones.

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Humor and Lighthearted Moments

Throughout the episode, Conan and Stephanie infuse humor into their discussions, making the conversation both engaging and relatable. Whether teasing each other about geographical knowledge or joking about parenting techniques, their chemistry keeps the dialogue lively and entertaining.

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Notable Quotes

1. Stephanie on Climate Anxiety:

   “I think it's okay to be anxious about it... just take one less flight a year.”
   [08:26]

2. Conan on Understanding Geography:

   “Listen. If you're a listener right now and you don't know that geology is rocks, never listen to this podcast again.”
   [05:24]

3. Stephanie on Reconnecting with Nature:

   “Everyone should just talk to more people and go outside and look at a tree and be like, wow, how long has that tree been there?”
   [18:12]

4. Conan on Parenting:

   “Do you have duct tape?”
   [25:03]

5. Stephanie on Teaching Children:

   “We make sure we get our kids outside.”
   [22:15]

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Insights and Takeaways

The "I Hate Richmond" episode offers a candid exploration of the interplay between personal dissatisfaction and professional dedication. Stephanie’s experiences shed light on the often-overlooked emotional toll of academia and environmental activism. The conversation underscores the importance of finding balance, seeking support, and maintaining a sense of humor amidst life's challenges. Conan’s ability to blend humor with empathy creates a space where meaningful topics can be discussed openly and engagingly.

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This episode serves as a reminder of the human side of academic and environmental work, highlighting the struggles and triumphs that come with passionate pursuits. For listeners seeking both laughs and thoughtful conversation, "I Hate Richmond" delivers a compelling blend of both.

Transcript

[Conan O'Brien]

People ask me a lot about genius. I don't know why. I don't know what it is about me. A real genius always seeks out the nerds. That's the common thing, is nerds. I mean, this is why I go to you all the time, David.

[David]

Thank you.

[Conan O'Brien]

Seriously, because you know how to, like, do things on the. On the phone and order things online. I don't know that well.

[David]

It's usually simple stuff. You can't.

[Stephanie]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Make tea.

[David]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Nerd wallet. That's what I'm talking about. Nerd wallet's gonna find the right credit card or auto insurance for you in minutes. Their team of NER has done the research so you don't have to Just answer a few simple questions and you'll be matched with the right financial product for you. They have only nerds working there. Every now and then, a jock will try and apply, and they say, go no further. You are banished from our realm.

[David]

I feel like you would thrive working for that.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes, I would go to nerdwallet.com to finance smarter today. After all, letting NerdWallet do the work is more than smart. It's genius. Terms and conditions apply. Credit products subject to lender approval. See nerdwallet.com for details.

[Stephanie]

Sonic lovers already know that Sonic's drinks are truly next level. They are next level.

[Matt Gourley]

Yeah, they are.

[Conan O'Brien]

They really are.

[Stephanie]

Now they've raised the bar again. Introducing Sonic's new strawberry, mango Nada Slush. This thing's insane.

[Conan O'Brien]

I love slush.

[Stephanie]

It's a sweet strawberry and mango slush sprinkled with Tajin for a tangy twist. God, who thought of this? They should get a Nobel Prize. Think sweet, tangy, and a little spicy with a kick of chili lime seasoning. What could be better? Plus, you can visit the Flavorista favorites in the Sonic app for even more delicious beverage options. Don't drink water, Boo Boo. Discover the strawberry, mango, Nana Snow. Lush and more flavors now in the sonic app.

[Matt Gourley]

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com callkonan okay, let's get started.

[David]

Hey, Stephanie. Welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a fan.

[Chris]

Hi.

[Stephanie]

How are you?

[Conan O'Brien]

How are you, Stephanie?

[Stephanie]

Great. This is stunning.

[Conan O'Brien]

So weird. Absolutely nothing funny has happened so far. So. Yeah, you have a very low bar for funny.

[Stephanie]

I do. It's been a tough week, so I'll tell I. Yes. The lowest of bars.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, I'm sorry. It's been a tough week. Anything the matter or.

[Stephanie]

No. My kids have just been home from daycare with the flu forever.

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

And when they get. Yes. Yeah. It's tough when their kids are around and you don't really love them.

[Stephanie]

I know, I know. I had agency in that decision, but I didn't think I'd have to be around them all the time.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's tough. It's tough even when you adore your children. It's tough when they're constantly around.

[Stephanie]

It is.

It is. It's more the job. But.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, we're getting a little. I'm just going to check in a little bit. Is that a little bit of feedback?

[Stephanie]

Feedback?

[Conan O'Brien]

Would that be. Let's just do a quick test, Stephanie. Let's do a quick back and forth. How are you? How you doing?

[Stephanie]

Great. Love and life. How are you?

[Conan O'Brien]

What's your astrological sign?

[Stephanie]

Capricorn, Leo rising. Gemini, Moon.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[David]

She was ready.

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't understand how.

[Stephanie]

I'm a real scientist, though, too.

[Conan O'Brien]

I thought. Wait a minute. I thought people just gave one answer when they gave their astrological sign.

[Stephanie]

Yeah, that's not the whole picture.

[Conan O'Brien]

All right, well, okay.

[Stephanie]

I'm just an Aries.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm not an Aries. There's no moon rising. There's no ram jumping in a hole.

[Stephanie]

You just might not know it.

[Matt Gourley]

There is.

[Conan O'Brien]

You don't know it. No, but I've looked into it. Just Aries. Stephanie, tell us a little bit about yourself. You're coming to me. They say you're from. Are you in central Virginia?

[Stephanie]

Yeah, I'm in Richmond. Do you want me to hit record, or are we still doing it back and forth?

[Conan O'Brien]

No, no, no. You don't have to hit record. We can proceed just like this.

[Stephanie]

Thanks for asking.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Stephanie]

Okay. Perfect. Yeah. Yeah, I'm in Richmond, Virginia.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. Okay. Why'd you make. You went like Richmond, Virginia?

[David]

I'm disgusted.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, I mean, Virginia is a beautiful state.

[Stephanie]

Yeah, it is. I'm not from here. I miss your.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wow. So you don't work for the tourism board, do you?

[Stephanie]

I don't. I do not. They should not have me. I. I will complain about the bugs and the humidity and the heat and their inability to deal with snow and all of that.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, well, I'm gonna move on to more pleasant topics, though. From the fact that you hate living in Richmond, Virginia.

[Stephanie]

People know it.

[Conan O'Brien]

What do you. Yeah, it's that T shirt you wear. I hate Richmond.

[Stephanie]

Yeah, it's just. Yeah, they know.

[Conan O'Brien]

They say Virginia's for lovers, and yet they have a hater living right in the. Stephanie in the Capitol. I see here that you're A geography professor. Is that correct?

[Stephanie]

That is fully correct, yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, this is not a police interview. You're allowed to elaborate.

[Stephanie]

Yes, I am a geography professor. That is my job.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, and how did you get into that? I mean, how does one become a geography professor?

[Stephanie]

Yeah, as an undergrad, I checked off a box that said I to travel. So then I got into this geology program and that's not geography. Geology is rocks. Geography is people and places.

[Conan O'Brien]

You're talking to me like I'm an idiot. That's what you're doing.

[Stephanie]

People know. Do you know?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes, I know the difference between geology and geography.

[Matt Gourley]

Oh, I know.

[Stephanie]

But it's more than maps.

[David]

The listeners might not all know if.

[Conan O'Brien]

Listen. If you're a listener right now and you don't know that geology is rocks, never listen to this podcast again. You are banished. And that includes you, David. Cuz you seem genuinely confused. So Stephanie, you, you, you studied, you studied, you studied geology and then you said, you know what, I'm going to move into geography. So what is it you do now? What is it you're studying?

[Stephanie]

Yeah, I study a lot of different things, but I mainly use satellite data to understand changes in the landscape. So one of the things that, yeah, I feel like I'm lecturing. One of the things I study is how climate change is affecting the timing of fall foliage in Maine, because I love Maine. Another thing I study is how deforestation in Brazil is affecting the regional climate there. I think about that in the southwestern Amazon. I do stuff locally in central Virginia that I love. I use drones to help map historically black cemeteries that haven't been funded.

[Conan O'Brien]

I do a lot of different things. First of all, I'm going to cut you off and say this is all very cool stuff and very valuable stuff. This is important work. You know, it's forefront in our minds now, obviously, I mean climate change has been for a long time, but we live here in Los Angeles and we're seeing the effects of terrible effects of 100 mile an hour Santa Ana's and a lot of homes lost in a bad fire. And we're wondering, clearly things are changing and I think everyone's almost everybody, I shouldn't say everybody, but I think almost every almost there everybody is slowly getting to the reality that there is climate change. What advice do you have for. For example, there's just so much anxiety about it. My wife has anxiety about it. I have two children that have anxiety about it. And I sometimes want to be the voice of things. Will be okay, we'll figure this out. But then I sound like, you know, very Pollyanna. I can sound like a moron. What's your take on this? Is there a way that we can be positive or talk to people about who are anxious on this subject?

[Stephanie]

Yeah, I think it's okay to be anxious about it. I think it's kind of crazy if you're not anxious about it because it's very real. But I also have a 2 and a 4 year old and that was like an act of radical hope in society that we would kind of figure this out. I think just getting outside and breathing and taking a walk and connecting with nature, that's what I do. If I'm getting overwhelmed. I think you can be overwhelmed, but it, you can't let it, you can't let it take over you. Right. And you find, you just like find faith in your community. Like you find what you can do. Maybe eat one less burger a week. But I'm not saying become a vegetarian or a vegan. Don't go vegan. You don't have to do that. It's not that good for the environment. If you just eat a little bit less meat, feel better about it, you can take one less flight a year. But honestly, just like being okay with being upset, allowing yourself to feel your feelings cause you're kind, it would to me. I think we all should be feeling our feelings a little more.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, that's, that's very good advice. That's very good advice.

[Stephanie]

I'm just getting outside.

[Conan O'Brien]

I should tell you, I drive a 12 cylinder car and I eat seven burgers a day. All your private flights, I took a private.

[Stephanie]

It's not probably great for your arteries.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, terrible. They keep trying to get me to stop, but I can't hear them over the revving of my 12 cylinder. And it runs on rainforest wood.

[Stephanie]

That just I. Oh my God, the mahogany is. Yeah, I mean it's the best.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, I'm trying in my small ways to do my part. It can all feel so overwhelming. Yes. And I also, my son gets really mad when I say this because my son's a very, he's into STEM and science tech and all that. And he, and I'll say to him, look, we all, we humans have to change their behavior. But I'm also hoping that science comes up with some answers. And he gets mad that I'm just putting it off on science. Like, don't worry, science will fix it because that can sound, I think, irresponsible, but I do think science is gonna have to be, is gonna have to come into the equation because I have my doubts that China, India, the United States, Russia, and I'm including us, trust me, are all gonna say, you know what, we gotta change our ways.

[Stephanie]

Yes, I agree. I think it's not worth it feeling guilty because like, you're not Exxon, you're not the us, you're not bp, you're not the people who like, lied to people for centuries about what harm this would do. So it's not worth feeling guilty. But I think you can look for the good stories. A negative headline gets 10 more clicks than a positive one. So people are always going to write negative headlines. There are some really cool climate resiliency things around some cities. They're planting more trees. Trees are really great for cooling down. Cities, Louisiana, I think, painted some pavements white for a while because, like dark surfaces trap a lot of heat. There are small scale changes that a lot of cities in the US in particular are making. And yeah, I think it's going to be a mix of science and everyone realizing that these disasters that we keep having cost so much money. So it'd actually be cheaper if we start actually investing in climate change solutions and resilience.

[Conan O'Brien]

I think insurance companies in LA are going to start investing in climate change technology because, you know, and, and you're going to see. I mean, unfortunately, at a certain point it takes. I hate to say it, but it does. Once you start hurting big businesses, pocketbook, that's when they pay attention and they see religion.

[Stephanie]

I know. I'm so sorry. This is the most depressing conversation you've probably ever had.

[Conan O'Brien]

No. First of all, no. I just talked to my staff 10 minutes ago and that was much more depressing.

[David]

Real downer.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, real downer. They're just not fun people. Yeah, we had a quick meeting where I encouraged them to tow me, how they really felt about me and that. That went perfectly. We're never doing that again.

[Stephanie]

Airbnb, man. That's what kids are doing now.

[Matt Gourley]

Yeah.

[Stephanie]

Blay, you like your Airbnb, don't you?

[Chris]

Yeah, it's great. Because when I go on a trip, you know, I'm going to go back to Michigan for about three weeks and my place is just sitting there empty. Might as well make some scratch.

[Matt Gourley]

Why not?

[Stephanie]

Yeah, scratches money, right?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, I think so.

[Stephanie]

And it's nice because you're gonna go stay in Michigan.

That's right.

That's where you're from. But why not make some money off your pad?

Exactly.

[Chris]

I'm staying with my mom. No one's staying at my place. Let's get some money from it.

[Stephanie]

And it's a good feeling to know that your place is being used, it's being enjoyed, and you're getting paid for it.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Chris]

And I got a cool place.

[Stephanie]

Yeah. You know, like, I went to this bachelor party last year in Miami. Remember when I went to that bachelor party that was. I heard it was wild and I wasn't even invited. I just, I saw that there was a bachelor party and I went in. I have nobody my age. Is getting married. Amazing.

[Conan O'Brien]

Ye. Yeah.

[Stephanie]

And it just was so great. But I made sure that I rented out my home, you know, before I went to the bachelor party that I wasn't invited to. And it was a good feeling. Great.

[Chris]

Made some money.

[Stephanie]

Not a great feeling to be asked to leave the bachelor party.

[Matt Gourley]

Yeah.

[Stephanie]

Think about it. If you host while you're traveling, it's a great way to offset some of the costs of your trip. And if you've got a big year of travel ahead of you, hosting's a pretty cool and unique way to make some money back. And then you can buy that special travel purse you want or man bag or purse. 2025 is the year to be financially savvy. So don't leave money on the table when you travel. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how [e-mail] host.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, man. I do a lot of traveling. You know that I do the travel shows. Nothing quite like the feeling of an upgrade when you're traveling. Well, as a T mobile customer, you can take the perks with you.

[Matt Gourley]

That's good.

[Conan O'Brien]

Isn't that nice? It starts the moments you take off with free in flight Wi fi so you can stream your favorite show on the go. Obviously that would be this show, I would think.

[Matt Gourley]

Yeah. You go in a plane and then you stream your podcast.

[Conan O'Brien]

If I'm anxious about a flight, the thing that me as seeing myself. And then when you land, T mobile's got you covered with 15% off all Hilton brands. Did you know that?

[Stephanie]

No.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yep. Plus, you're covered with 5 gigabytes count em 5 of high speed data in over 215 countries and destinations with go 5G plus or next plans. And I have to tell you, it's a nice feeling. When I travel the globe for my travel work, I like to know that when I land in that other country, I'm covered. I'm there. Yeah, I can text you and say, hey, I got here safely. I forgot to feed my cat. Could you feed my cat? You could remind me I don't have a cat.

[Matt Gourley]

Right.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's all good stuff. Yeah.

[Matt Gourley]

You FaceTimed me before. From another country. And it was crisp. She was clear.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yep. You could see every mark on my face. Find out how you can experience travel better@t mobile.com Travel qualifying plan required Wi Fi where available on select US airlines. Terms and conditions apply.

[Stephanie]

A lot of people, when they think about winter, snow, you know, snowman, snowball fights. Snowball fights. That's not what I think about.

[Matt Gourley]

Okay.

[Stephanie]

I think it's a great excuse to gather with friends and crack open a cold one. From basketball and hockey to game night, winter means more moments with the coolest people in your life. And I've got some pretty cool people in my life.

[Matt Gourley]

Like me?

[Stephanie]

No, not you. But like my really cool friends. You know who I get together with? Eye Patch Jones.

[Matt Gourley]

Oh, yeah. He's cool.

[Stephanie]

Yeah. Sabadou shrimp. I have a lot of very cool friends. RJ Johannes. Make these moments even better with Miller Lite. That's my crew. The great tasting light beer for people who love beer. Miller Light is brewed for taste.

[Conan O'Brien]

Hello.

[Stephanie]

It hits different than other light beers. Other light beers are just like, bleh. If you like it, okay. But if you don't, go to hell.

Yeah.

Well, guess what? Not Miller Lite. It's made with simple ingredients like malted barley for rich balanced toffee. Note flavor, flavors and the iconic golden color. The original light beer since 1975 and still, for my money, the best one.

[Matt Gourley]

Yeah.

[Stephanie]

I remember when I was out with my gang, we were out on our bicycles.

[Matt Gourley]

Oh, yeah.

[Stephanie]

And we were driving around and then we. We pulled over and got a Miller Light. You know, it was really nice because it was a lot of people don't think you don't ride a bicycle in the winter. No, but we put snow tires on our bicycles.

[Matt Gourley]

Okay.

[Stephanie]

Big chains. And it was just nice to sit with my friends next to our bicycles that were really heavy with chains and crack open a cold one, you know? Miller Lite.

[Conan O'Brien]

Great taste.

[Stephanie]

96 calories. Go to millerlight.com conan to find delivery options near you. Or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer.

[Matt Gourley]

Yeah.

[Stephanie]

Tastes like Miller Time to me celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Co. Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. One of the hardest parts about B2B marketing is reaching the right audience. You put so much effort into a campaign only for it to get wasted on the wrong people.

[Matt Gourley]

I know, right?

[Stephanie]

Like I'm trying to sell my coal miner's hat and it goes to a dance troupe.

[Matt Gourley]

Ugh.

[Stephanie]

That's no good. It's just stupid. That's where LinkedIn ads come in. Fortunately, LinkedIn is a network of over 1 billion1. You can't even count that high.

[Matt Gourley]

I can't.

[Stephanie]

I can't either. Link as a network of over 1 billion businessy people who might actually be interested in your business. You can even target your buyers by job title, industry, company role, seniority, skills, company revenues. Didn't I say job title? I think I did. Stop wasting budget on the wrong audience. That's just stupid. Start targeting the right professionals with LinkedIn ads. LinkedIn will give you a $100 credit on the next campaign. So you can try it yourself. Just go to LinkedIn.com TeamCoco. That's LinkedIn.com TeamCoco. Terms and conditions apply only on LinkedIn ads.

[Conan O'Brien]

Stephanie, I know how to brighten this up. Yeah, I'm gonna do it right now. Go. I, I, I take to heart what you said, and you shouldn't be self conscious because I want these discussions. Yes, it's nice when they're fun, but it's also heartening to talk to people who are out there dealing with the real problems in the world. So don't feel badly about that. Okay.

[Stephanie]

I won't feel badly about my job. Okay, great.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. If you want to feel badly about something, feel badly about thinking that I didn't understand the difference between geology and geography.

[Stephanie]

I just think we don't have geography in many schools, so I just am used to. It's a battle I've been fighting for years.

[Conan O'Brien]

Do you feel that people have lost touch with the outside world? That we're all on our screens? That we've lost touch with nature?

[Stephanie]

I think everyone should just get out more and breathe more oxygen and stop looking at your phones more. Yeah. I mean, as a. It's weird. There was an onion headline like 15 years ago that was like, humans look at glowing rectangles all day. And I was like, oh, it's only got worse.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Stephanie]

I think everyone should just talk to more people and go outside and look at a tree and be like, wow, how long has that tree been there? Longer than I have.

[Conan O'Brien]

I have an, I have an app on my phone called Nature and I just click. It shows me pictures of nature and it really need. It calms me. And then, you know, every, every 15 seconds there's an ad, usually for a porn site. And then the porn sites are great. And sometimes they're. And I'll be honest with you, Stephanie, sometimes they' Outside.

[Stephanie]

What if you take your phone and you watch your porn outside, though? Does that work?

[Conan O'Brien]

That's fine, too. But I'm just encouraging more outdoor porn. It's always in a indoor facility in the valley. And I'm thinking there should be more porn that's shot outside. What's wrong with that? And I think it's because of splinters. I think that's the big thing that's getting in the way. People are like, you know, I'm going to get hurt splinter if I get in that position on top of that redwood. So my point is. And I don't really think I have a point, I just say that sometimes when I don't know where I'm going. Stephanie, I think you're right. We got to get outside, and we got to also know what nature is, I think. I mean, there are people that don't know that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. They don't know that, you know, they don't know how it a tree grows, you know that they don't know what's edible. Like, sometimes I just go out and I just start eating stuff, berries and things, to educate myself about what's edible and what's not. Now, the problem is I don't record it. I don't write anything down. I just start stuffing berries and leaves into my mouth. And then I have a very powerful diarrhea, sometimes violent vomiting. And so that's a mistake. I think I'm probably going at it the wrong way.

[Stephanie]

You're employing the scientific method on your own.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, but I'm not recording. A big part of the scientific method is record the data. I don't do that. That every time I go to the emergency room, they say, what did you eat? And I say, I don't know. I don't know.

[Stephanie]

Something.

[Conan O'Brien]

And then they. Yeah, but they usually do a biopsy on what's in my stomach and find out that, oh, you ate a piece of a fire hydrant.

[Stephanie]

A lot of people don't know why we have seasons. That's the question that my students get wrong all of the time.

[Conan O'Brien]

Why we have seasons.

[Stephanie]

Why we have seasons. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Could you explain to us why we have seasons? I know, but I want to make.

[Stephanie]

Sure you went to Harvard. Why do we have seasons?

[Conan O'Brien]

I did not go to Harvard College. I went to Harvard driving school. And I was asked to leave because I couldn't parallel park. That's a Common misapprehension. Well, I mean, the tilt of the earth has a lot to do with it.

[Matt Gourley]

Yeah.

[Stephanie]

Nice job. Okay, great. A lot of people think distance from the sun, and that's not. We're actually closer to the sun during the winter.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. But of course, the angle of the earth tilts us farther away from the sun. But, you know, I don't like to brag about my own knowledge.

[Stephanie]

I'm so proud.

[Conan O'Brien]

So proud of me. For knowing that the il that the earth tilts every now and then and that I know what a rock is, Stephanie.

[Stephanie]

And a tree. Maybe sometimes my bar is low, I don't know.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, you seem fine. And your life. You said you have kids.

[Stephanie]

I have two kids. I have a two year old and a four year old and they're pretty feral. And my oldest is a budding mycologist. He loves mushrooms. We always go mushroom hunting. But he has a book and he does for what we. And he doesn't eat it. We don't let him eat the mushrooms.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, the responsible parent. That's great. He's four years old and he's learning the difference between, you know, the. The safe and the dangerous mushrooms.

[Stephanie]

Yeah, we have like a little mushroom fan club book. He's really into my home.

[Conan O'Brien]

He's got a mushroom fan club book. Listen, he's going to be bullied. You know that, right?

[Stephanie]

I know you're not the first.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, no, no. But I just want to make sure that he learns self defense. Cause David here was in a mushroom fan club.

[David]

Things did not go well today.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, no, no. They were constantly smashing his glasses.

[David]

Yeah, it was awful.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. And then he came to work for me and I smashed his glasses. But I think it's great. I applaud young people being passionate about knowledge and I think that's a great thing. I think that's really cool.

[Stephanie]

Yeah. Yeah. He gets outside. We make sure we get our kids outside. Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

And who's we? Who's your partner?

[Stephanie]

My. My husband Chris, who's a delight.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay. I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not.

[Stephanie]

No, he's the best. He's actually the best.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay. Because when my wife says Conan's a delight, it means she wants me dead.

[Stephanie]

No, no, no, no, he's great. He's with my two kids right now who are homesick from school.

[Conan O'Brien]

He's. What does he do?

[Stephanie]

He's a behavior analyst. And what? He. He's the most patient man on earth. So he spends his days trying to help adults with disabilities Just, like, successfully walk through the world.

[Conan O'Brien]

Great. I mean, I think you two are killing it. Good for him.

[Stephanie]

Thanks. Yeah, good for him. Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, seriously. I mean, I'm constantly surrounded in show business. I'm surrounded by people that are just out for themselves trying to advance their own career. I've never done that. I've taken mine, worked very hard to drive mine into the gutter. But I think it's amazing. You sound like both of you are working hard to make the world a better place. Do you two get along? It sounds like you get along pretty well. Does he ever use his behavioral techniques on you?

[Stephanie]

Yeah, 100%. All the time. Whenever we're arguing, a snack will appear out of nowhere. And I fully know what he's doing, and I will take the snack and it doesn't matter.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wait a minute, Conan. If you're fighting with your husband and arguing, he'll pop a snack into your mouth.

[Stephanie]

He'll just. Well, he won't pop it in my mouth because it's a little much, but he'll be like, are you hungry? Do you want this thing over here? And I'll be like, yeah, I want that thing. But also.

[Conan O'Brien]

Jesus. It's called a Scooby Snack. Okay, well, I guess. I mean, that's. That's. Has he ever tried to lead you through a maze with a snack?

[Stephanie]

Not yet.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, that's good.

[Stephanie]

I just picture we have been orienteering together, but. And the snacks were more for, like, my self preservation.

[Conan O'Brien]

Orienteering is when you run through the woods and you have a compass and you have. Are you allowed to have a map with you when you're orienteering?

[Stephanie]

You have a map. Cause the map has checkpoints, but it's not. Not like your ph. And just a compass, and you have to figure out how to get where you're going.

[Conan O'Brien]

See, that's a great thing to know how to do. I dated someone once who was into orienteering, and she used her orienteering skills to get away from me. She got out of that relationship with a compass and a map. Stephanie, how can I help you? Is there anything I can do to help you? Because a big part of my life is trying to help others.

[Stephanie]

You described that so well before. Yeah, I was. Right. So I have these two little kiddos who are 2 and 4, two boys, and they just are wild. And I was just wondering what the best parenting advice you've ever received was, and maybe how I can bring that into my daily life to not get so overwhelmed.

[Conan O'Brien]

Do you have duct tape?

[Stephanie]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Duct tape is. Yeah. Get the really strong electrical kind, it doesn't break. And you tell them it's a fun game called sit still. You just duct tape them to something. I don't. You know, this is a tricky one. Cause all kids are different. And so how to get. Are you trying to say how to. You want me to help you parent these two? You've described them as feral children that are running around the woods grabbing mushrooms and stuffing them in their mouths.

[Stephanie]

Yeah, and they grab our chickens and. Yeah, 100%. And they'll just, like, pick up snakes. Even though another reason central Virginia is bad is there are venomous snakes here and there aren't back where I'm from in New England. So. Yeah, how do I know?

[Conan O'Brien]

Hey, where are you from in New England?

[Stephanie]

From Brockton, Massachusetts.

You're kidding.

[Conan O'Brien]

You buried the lead. I'm from Brookline, Massachusetts.

[Stephanie]

I surprisingly know that. Yeah, I played Brookline High in sports. Lux.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Stephanie]

What sport?

Golf. Because I played golf to get out of running the mile in gym class.

[Conan O'Brien]

You got out of that.

[David]

I respect that.

[Conan O'Brien]

You wait to get out of running the mile if you played a varsity.

[Stephanie]

Sport, you didn't have to run the mile. And I was like, I can do golf.

[David]

I love this.

[Conan O'Brien]

So stupid. I wanted to be a sprinter, and I tried out for the Brookline High School track team, and they made me a two miler, so I ran the two mile. Yeah. And they made me swing a golf club as I ran for no reason. It just looked funny. Wow. Yeah. I have miserable memories of, of my days on the track team at Brookline High School. No, wasn't anything Brookline High School did. It's just that I had the lungs of a, of a two year old child when I was in high school, and it was not a fun experience. I don't think I was a good runner.

[Stephanie]

I'm not built to run either, which is why I tried to golf it out.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. Well, you're from Brockton and you've made your way to a place even though you study maps and your specialty is where things are in the world, you have moved to a place you seem to despise called.

[Stephanie]

It's so hot here. It's so humid.

[Conan O'Brien]

Then get out of there. Get out.

[Stephanie]

It's so buggy.

[Conan O'Brien]

Go. What's keeping you there?

[Stephanie]

Academia. The whole hierarchy. It's so. It's so hard.

[Conan O'Brien]

They have schools other places.

[Stephanie]

I know, but they have to want me to. I, I, Yeah, you're right. They have schools other places. I have. Yeah. I don't know what to say I've applied. I love my job here. From 600 miles north. I would never leave.

[Conan O'Brien]

You know what I love? I can't wait. I can't wait till word gets out. And it will, because this is a popular podcast, Stephanie, that you were pleading with a way to escape and that you're desperately sending out applications to other schools.

[Stephanie]

I go up for 10 years. Stop.

[Conan O'Brien]

You're up for tenure. Not anymore. Not anymore. You're to be eating mushrooms day in and day out. You're going to be living in the woods with a compass.

[Stephanie]

I love it here.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, I love it here. I love it here. On the ninth level of Dante's Hell. Oh, Stephanie.

[Stephanie]

Here know how I feel about Richmond.

[Conan O'Brien]

Sure they do.

[David]

They do now.

[Conan O'Brien]

They do now.

[Stephanie]

Before.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. Well, listen, I hope I've helped you. I think I've helped you move out of that job. And once you're homeless. Once you're homeless, you'll have to move on. And you can move back to Brockton.

[Stephanie]

Yup. I can't. My parents moved out of Brock. They're in Wilmington now, so. But, yeah, I guess I would go somewhere around northern. North of Boston. I can't afford that. No one can afford that.

[Conan O'Brien]

What are you talking about? First of all, it doesn't sound like. I mean, your children can feed themselves. They sound pretty much like wildebeest, so they don't need clothing, These two monsters. Yeah, they'll just be. You'll just have them on long ropes, and you and your husband will be walking around the woods and you'll be saying, look, a tree. Isn't it crazy? And your husband will give you a snack to change the topic. Stephanie, it's all a mess.

[Stephanie]

What a perfect life you've just envisioned. Like, I love it here.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. Too late, Stephanie.

[Stephanie]

I know.

[Conan O'Brien]

Listen, it's been really nice talking to you. And why don't you check in with us and tell us what your new city and new profession is in about six weeks? It's too late, Stephanie. You did this to yourself. And you know what? This was a cry for help. Don't worry about it.

[Stephanie]

Yeah, I actually didn't have a question about parenting. How do I get out of this job? But I do like just in a place I don't like.

[Conan O'Brien]

Too late. You're just digging the hole deeper and deeper. And as you know from geography and geology, if you dig deep enough, you'll end up in China. All right, Stephanie, I gotta run, but you take care, okay?

[Stephanie]

Thank you so much.

[Conan O'Brien]

And say hi to your kids. Grig and Greg. Those monsters?

[Stephanie]

Close enough.

[Conan O'Brien]

All right, take care. Bye bye.

[Matt Gourley]

Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien Sonam of Session and Matt Gourley produced by me, Matt Gourley executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross and Nick Leo Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Take.

[Stephanie]

It away, Jimmy.

[Matt Gourley]

Supervising producer Aaron Blair Associate talent Producer Jennifer Samples Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm Engineering by Eduardo Perez get three free months of serious act when you sign [e-mail] Conan please rate, review and subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a fan wherever fine podcasts are downloading.

[Stephanie]

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[Matt Gourley]

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[Stephanie]

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[Stephanie]

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[Matt Gourley]

I haven't, but I just destroy and probably get really competitive.

[Conan O'Brien]

I do.

[Stephanie]

And if I start to lose, I flip the board over. That's why I have an unbreak broken streak. I just always win because I just throw the board over, flip it over and say, get out of my house.

[Matt Gourley]

Okay, that's mature. Well, yeah.

[Stephanie]

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[Matt Gourley]

Monopoly does take some time.

[Stephanie]

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