The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog

Summary

Podcast Summary: Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Episode: The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Release Date: February 14, 2025

In this episode of "Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend," Conan O’Brien engages in his signature witty and playful banter with his enigmatic friend, Jordan Schlansky. The conversation navigates through various topics, culminating in a deep dive into Jordan’s unique perspectives on consumer products, particularly focusing on toilet paper. The episode is structured into clear segments, each enriched with notable quotes and engaging discussions.

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1. Opening Banter and Music Collection

[02:13] Jordan Schlansky:
"I collect various CD pressings from all over the world. I have my favorite versions of moving pictures."

Jordan introduces his unconventional hobby of collecting international CD pressings, emphasizing the uniqueness of different country-specific sound qualities from the 80s and 90s. Conan playfully mocks the relevance of CDs in the digital age, leading to a humorous exchange about Jordan’s meticulous audio preferences.

[03:01] Conan O'Brien:
"You are the ripper. My point is, Jordan, before you get into your idea, I just want to slow you down because you came out of the gate hot."

Conan's teasing highlights the contrast between his more carefree approach to music and Jordan’s obsessive attention to detail.

---

2. Birthday Conversations

[10:56] Conan O'Brien:
"Yours was April 13th and mine was April 18th."

The hosts shift the conversation to their recent birthdays, revealing Jordan’s preference for privacy and his discomfort with being the center of attention. This segment showcases Jordan’s reserved nature juxtaposed with Conan’s more expressive personality.

[12:03] Jordan Schlansky:
"I like to be the observer, not the observed."

Jordan elaborates on his introverted tendencies, explaining his desire to remain unnoticed and his limited preference for sharing personal milestones like birthdays.

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3. Consumer Watchdog Segment: The Toilet Paper Rant

[28:37] Jordan Schlansky:
"I choose my toilet paper very carefully, and I like this to be a once in a lifetime endeavor."

The centerpiece of the episode is Jordan’s passionate critique of toilet paper products. He meticulously dissects the changes in Charmin’s product line, highlighting a significant decrease in sheet count per roll without a price increase. Jordan argues that this "shrinkflation" forces consumers to buy more rolls to maintain the same level of usage, which he finds deceptive.

[31:01] Jordan Schlansky:
"Any physicist would know that the use of toilet paper involves friction. You're talking about abrasion, you're talking about erosion."
[31:05] Conan O'Brien:
"You're wearing away pieces of your ass. What are you doing?"

Jordan delves into the physics of toilet paper usage, attributing a pseudo-scientific rationale to his dissatisfaction. Conan humorously exaggerates the impact of Jordan’s arguments, turning the critique into a comedic moment.

[35:12] Jordan Schlansky:
"18 Charmin Ultra Gentle Mega Rolls cost $19.99. I bought this for many years."

Jordan presents his analysis, detailing the cost per roll and the deceptive packaging strategies employed by manufacturers to mask the reduction in product quantity.

[37:11] Conan O'Brien:
"The old role, you think for the same amount of money, you're getting 20% less."
[37:26] Jordan Schlansky:
"Why do I have to now? Because they have this marketing plan that are going to trick people into thinking that they're getting the same value now."

The dialogue intensifies as Jordan emphasizes the frustration of needing to purchase more toilet paper due to manufacturer changes, while Conan plays the role of the skeptical consumer, highlighting the absurdity with humor.

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4. Addressing Personal Habits and Relationships

[43:21] Jordan Schlansky:
"In a perfect world, you'd be squatting. In the modern world, you can use devices to simulate squatting."
[43:35] Conan O'Brien:
"So you're talking about these things that you put your feet up on are made of high-quality material."

The conversation takes a turn towards bathroom ergonomics, with Jordan advocating for a squatting position even on modern toilets. Conan continues to interject with humorous skepticism, lightening the mood amidst Jordan’s intense focus on the subject.

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5. Final Exchanges and Wrap-Up

[49:37] Jordan Schlansky:
"If you are that person, I got you covered. If you're a normal person, you're covered, too."

As the episode nears its conclusion, Jordan reiterates his commitment to consumer advocacy, regardless of others' perceptions. Conan wraps up with a blend of mock irritation and genuine appreciation for Jordan’s peculiar but earnest perspectives.

[50:02] Conan O'Brien:
"I don't think of this as a real conversation. I don't think of you as a real person."
[50:37] Jordan Schlansky:
"Well, maybe you have enough real conversations in your life, and maybe you could benefit from an occasional surreal conversation."

The closing moments reflect the unique dynamic between the hosts—Conan's playful dismissal and Jordan's steadfast adherence to his viewpoints.

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Notable Quotes

• Jordan Schlansky:
  "I believe that one's life, in part, is defined by the products that surround us."
  (Timestamp: [28:37])

• Conan O'Brien:
  "Why do you have to change your toilet paper roll 20% more often?"
  (Timestamp: [37:26])

• Jordan Schlansky:
  "There is a human bodily erosion when using any toilet paper product."
  (Timestamp: [31:01])

• Conan O'Brien:
  "I don't tear up at movies. I don't have time for that."
  (Timestamp: [16:48])

---

Insights and Conclusions

This episode highlights Jordan Schlansky's meticulous nature and his propensity to delve deeply into niche topics, juxtaposed with Conan O’Brien's casual and humorous demeanor. The "Consumer Watchdog" segment serves as a satirical exploration of consumer frustrations with product changes, embodied by Jordan’s fixation on toilet paper metrics. Through their interplay, the podcast underscores themes of friendship, the clash of personalities, and the humor found in obsessive attention to mundane details.

For listeners who enjoy Dry humor mixed with unconventional debates, this episode offers both laughs and a glimpse into Jordan’s unique worldview, all while maintaining the charm that fans have come to expect from "Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend."

Transcript

[Conan O'Brien]

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[Jordan Schlansky]

A Monday Warrior, Mean Me Stride. Today's Tom Sawyer.

[Conan O'Brien]

Mean me right. Yes. Hey there. If you're hearing that song, it means it's the Conan and Jordan show.

[Jordan Schlansky]

That's correct. You know, as I was listening to that song, something occurred to me. Let's give him a Shout out by Rush. I believe listening to it that that's the 2015 Sean McGee remaster. He works at Abbey Road Studios. He did the Beatles 2009. C said. Anyway, it's got good dynamic range, but I just thought of a new show. You know, I have a hobby that you may not be aware of. I collect various CD pressings from all over the world.

[Conan O'Brien]

I didn't know that.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah, so modern music is generally standardized. In whatever country you live in, you're getting the same CD quality. But back in the 80s and 90s, CDs in different countries had different sounds. They were mastered by different people. And I always pick my favorite. I've spent many thousands of dollars on this hobby. I have my favorite versions of moving pictures. In fact, the atomic CD from Mercury with the matrix number ending 3 to 5 is my favorite. Anyway, so here's my idea.

[Conan O'Brien]

Can I just say one thing?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't believe in judging other people's passions, okay. But that's a stupid hobby, okay? Because no one listens to CDs anymore. It's an outmoded.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Well, I'm not dying music. You. And if I tell you I can give you the best Beatles pressing, whatever you're listening to Rubber Soul on, I can give you a better version of Rubber Soul. Okay. I would take the 1965 stereo 2 cut vinyl pressing by a certain vinyl ripper that I know. But my whole point is I think.

[Conan O'Brien]

You are the ripper. My point is. My point is, Jordan, before you get into your idea, I just want to slow you down because you came out of the gate hot.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yes. Well, I was inspired.

[Conan O'Brien]

You were like a bucking bronco. We play that song because that's one of your favorite band is Rush.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

And you got to know them because of the fame that you accrued on my show. You got to know Rush.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

And they actually let you come out at one of their concerts on stage with them, which I imagine was a couple. Yeah. Okay. Well, one time you were invited and the other times you sort of rushed the stage. But my point, and I'm getting to my point, is that you heard that's why we play the Rush song up Top, is because you're a fanatic for it. But then you launch in this whole thing about CDs, everyone, every audio file agrees that CD is not the way to listen to music. Respond.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay, well, this is a cliche and a theory by those that are uneducated. Sometimes a vinyl pressing.

[Conan O'Brien]

You're calling Neil Young uneducated. Jack White uneducated.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I know.

[Conan O'Brien]

These are master musicians.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Neil Young appreciates the value of dynamic range. It was featured heavily in his Pono Music service. Nevertheless, sometimes the format itself is mostly irrelevant. Okay. What is relevant is the particular mastering. So sometimes the CD will have the better mastering, sometimes the vinyl will have the better mastering. I have so much to say on this.

[Conan O'Brien]

I know you do.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

Can. I'm here to help you. First of all, you understand that the. The point of doing a show on the radio like this is to get people to listen.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay. Get them hooked.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

You are driving them out right now.

[Jordan Schlansky]

So say you. There are people. There's a community. I'm part of online forums. There's a community.

[Conan O'Brien]

I know you're A part of online forums. And I know that you guys, it's.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Called the Jordan Schlansky Music Hour. Okay? I bring in my extensive collection of music.

[Conan O'Brien]

This is the Conan and Jordan show.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I am talking. Do you need content for this station? Because I have an idea. This is free content. I do an hour every week and I play my favorite pressings of different songs. John Parr, Saint Almost Fired. Do you know that the first note is upcut on most of the CD releases? However, there's one particular one where the note is intact. Don't you think your viewers would want to hear that?

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, I'm just turning to our SXM official in the room. Identify yourself, sir, if you don't mind. Very quickly. Andrew Gruss. Okay, Andrew Gruss. Andrew. And just. And be completely honest, because you guys run a business at sxm, you. Is what Jordan's pitching of interest to you? It feels a little niche, but I'm willing to hear an hour.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Andrew Gruss]

Oh, my God.

[Jordan Schlansky]

But I also have facts about these songs that people don't understand.

[Conan O'Brien]

This is not what I wanted. Gruce. Gruce. That was your chance to shut. That was your chance to put out a forest fire.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I have some things to say about Andrew Gruss since we've brought him.

[Conan O'Brien]

I love.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Now, here's why. Here's why. I think Andrew Gruss has such charisma and is such a compelling person physically. He's a very powerful man. Powerful and imposing, I think.

[Conan O'Brien]

Are you like six, six, six, seven? Okay, he's six, six, seven.

[Jordan Schlansky]

He's got a great musculature. Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

I thought you were married. Okay.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay. So his posture is solid. He feels like he would not blow over. But he is the sweetest, most gentle guy. And I think it's.

[Conan O'Brien]

Are you going to use. Are you going to use the term gentle giant?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah, he's a gentle giant. But it's his sweetness in combination with his physical nature that makes him so fasc. And it reminds me of kind of Michael Crawford, the original Phantom of the Opera. Okay, all right. Who started in 1986 in the West End and then moved to Broadway in 1988. Listen, he was a menacing character, okay? And he was terrifying, but he had an effeminate voice. When he would sing high, those notes, it's kind of like early Billy Joel before cigarettes got to him. If you look at the 1975 Old Gray Whistle test performance of Piano man, his voice is so pure and high. And it's that combination of the masculine rough and tumble nature with that Frank that's not helping.

[Conan O'Brien]

You know, that's just. That's cruel. And that's an old cliche of this falling asleep. And we're not going to do that here. We're going to rise above that. I'm just going to tell him to shut his yap. Okay, you've got to stop now, Jordan. Yes, I like, this needs to be a back and forth. And I feel what's happening here is I take the tennis ball and I hit it over to your side across the net, and you grab it and you shove it up your ass and walk away. There's no. There's no back and forth here, I'm saying. So let's not do that. Let's have a real conversation.

[Jordan Schlansky]

But I think we should have free time. Like, I know you have scheduled things, an agenda, if you will, but I think we should leave time to just discuss things that are interested that we're interested by at any particular time that.

[Conan O'Brien]

One would find interesting, I think should be the. The key, not just that you find interesting.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Well, me and you, because we are 50% stakeholders in this show. Not financially, of course not.

[Conan O'Brien]

No. You'll never see a dime from this.

[Jordan Schlansky]

But in terms of content, let's talk.

[Conan O'Brien]

About something that is related.

[Andrew Gruss]

Something I would like to ask you. Why is it that you wear that same shirt on every.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Oh, yes. The. The famous practice of Albert Einstein.

[Conan O'Brien]

Excuse me? It's Einstein.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Oh, no, it's Einstein. No, he was a German.

[Conan O'Brien]

I know, but people just say Einstein.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Well, I say Einstein in the country of Germany where he comes. He said Einstein.

[Conan O'Brien]

You are not in Germany right now.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You just say, I don't need to be in Germany. I know how to pronounce the man's name. It's Einstein.

[Conan O'Brien]

I've lived a good long life. I've spoken to many people. This great mind has come up many times. I've never heard anybody say Einstein.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Well, now you've heard it.

[Conan O'Brien]

All right. I. If I wish I had a mild acid, a very mild acid that I could throw on you.

[Jordan Schlansky]

As described by Jeff Goldblum in 1986's the Fly by David Cronenberg. Albert Einstein wore the same outfit every day. So he didn't have to devote mental energy into choosing his outfit. We give every decision we made.

[Conan O'Brien]

Steve Jobs did the same thing. He always wore the same outfit. It goes back to Albert Einstein, Einstein and Steve Jobs. But my point, Jordan, is that I see why they didn't want to devote valuable energy of the mind. But you have. I'm going to Put this in a way that's not insulting, but, you know, I would be okay with you using up some of your brain. Not on Rush or on the best place to get a weird upcut of a CD for St. Elmo's Fire. And a little more on just picking out a shirt. I'd be fine with that.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I would avoid the upcut. Nobody wants the upcut. Everybody wants that solid first note.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm fine with the St. Elmo's Fire. That came out right.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You don't know what you're fine with. You take what you're giving. You subscribe to compressed music services. I like uncompressed high Dynamics.

[Conan O'Brien]

You know the lyrics to St. Almost Fire?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Let's hear them.

[Jordan Schlansky]

What part would you like?

[Conan O'Brien]

Just go.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Growing up. Well, you know what I. We've talked about.

[Conan O'Brien]

We got. You got it. You don't have it.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I could see a new horizon underneath the blazing sky I'll be where the eagles are flying higher and higher.

[Conan O'Brien]

You're under arrest. Yeah, you're under arrest for knowing that much of it. And you know what?

[Jordan Schlansky]

No, judge, you know, Charles in charge.

[Conan O'Brien]

Charles in charge of our days and our nights. Charles in charge of our wrongs and our rights. I want Charles in charge of me now. It's cool that I know that, but.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Do you know what I don't like? The second season of all the sitcoms. Like, let's take Perfect Strangers. Great, great theme songs. Sometimes the world looks perfect. And then the second season, they always had to add this keyboard flourish or look at Growing Pains, you know, show me that sm. But the second season, Jennifer Warrens has to join and make it a duet. And she doesn't add, like, her lyrics are the same lyrics that were originally there. She doesn't add anything. She just echoes the original lyrics.

[Conan O'Brien]

You know what I love? The world right now, many people believe is in a very dire position. War, violence, hatred, climate, madness. We could be seeing the end of civilization as we know it. And you. These are the things that you want to talk about. These are the things that you're impassioned about.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Negativity doesn't lessen my passion for the things that I love. And in fact, it enforces it.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I admire that. I want to talk about something. I agree with you about negativity. I'm going to bring up a positive thing, which is that you and I both had birthdays last week.

[Jordan Schlansky]

That's right.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yours was April 13th and mine was April 18th.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

Did you have a nice birthday?

[Jordan Schlansky]

My birthday was Adequate.

[Conan O'Brien]

How did you celebrate it?

[Jordan Schlansky]

You know, I am. I'm a private man. Some say an introvert, some say an observer of humanity. I like to be the observer, not the observed. I don't typically publicize.

[Conan O'Brien]

I asked you how was your birthday? And I get this weird. It's like you're reading from a Kafka novel. Yes, I am a man. A man. You know, we see a man. What? What? Why? Why?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Well, you know, I don't like to be celebrated in any way or acknowledged.

[Conan O'Brien]

Not a problem. Yeah, Not a problem.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Right. What I'm saying is, I don't like any attention. Okay. I prefer to watch things unfold with, you know, sporadic participation. Yet I don't like people to know things about me and I don't like them to know when it's my birthday. And I don't like any attention that I might receive. Should people know that you like to.

[Conan O'Brien]

Peer at people, like, say, through a window, would that be. Is that where you're.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I mean, that's an analogy, I guess, I want to use.

[Conan O'Brien]

Not an analogy at all.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Right.

[Conan O'Brien]

You're comfortable watching others from a distance and observing them.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Right.

[Andrew Gruss]

You go on trips by yourself.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I do, yeah. I'm an observer. I'm a student. I'm a perpetual student.

[Conan O'Brien]

How is your wife? Because you are married, somehow. And she's lovely. I don't understand. None of us. We're all baffled. And you have wonderful children. When you tell her, my dearest love of my life, my companion. I'm off to Patagonia by myself so I can look at people through windows. What does she say?

[Jordan Schlansky]

You know, there are different people across this great planet and for any type of person, there's someone that adores them.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'll translate that. For every Mickey, there's a Minnie.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

So you're saying your wife's cool with it? She's probably quite eager. Does she get. Do you notice palpable excitement when you say you're leaving for a while?

[Jordan Schlansky]

What I'm saying is, while you may not appreciate all my nuances there are people that do appreciate these things.

[Andrew Gruss]

Has anyone seen his wife?

[Conan O'Brien]

I haven't met her. She's lovely.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Oh, really?

[Conan O'Brien]

She's lovely. I've met his wife. Yeah. And she's very nice. She's. You married well, Jordan. And she's a saint. My God. But she must have some system for you that I have not cracked yet where she gets you to be quiet because I haven't figured it out. Does she have a way. Does she have a signal that she gives you. Is there a bucket she puts over your head?

[Jordan Schlansky]

It's possible.

[Conan O'Brien]

A quiet time bucket.

[Jordan Schlansky]

That there are some people that enjoy hearing what I have to say.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's the funniest thing you've said in a while. Hey, let's talk birthday gifts.

[Andrew Gruss]

Yes.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

So I'm, I'm, you know, I know what I'm doing here, but you go ahead, Frank. Oh, go ahead, Go ahead. First of all, I'm new to hosting.

[Andrew Gruss]

Did you know it was his birthday before you saw the.

[Conan O'Brien]

Of course not. I was walking into the booth and you handed me a thing that said it was Jordan's birthday this week. By the way, I didn't hear from Jordan on my birthday.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

So, you know.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah. Well, I assume.

[Conan O'Brien]

Could you have sent me a message or something?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Well, I assume you get a lot of attention on that day and I'll save it till I see you and I can wish you a happy birthday.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, I'm still waiting.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Happy birthday.

[Conan O'Brien]

Thank you.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

That was worth the wait.

[Jordan Schlansky]

But I am aware of your birthday. I'm aware of your, you know, 1960. April 18, 1963.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, great.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I'm aware that you're an Aries audience. If you prefer the correct pronunciation, would you say.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, People say Aries.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yes, they do. But nevertheless, I'm aware of your birthday.

[Conan O'Brien]

Astrological sign was Einstein.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yes. What I'm saying is, on your birthday, I take a.

[Conan O'Brien]

He was a tourist.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yes. That's Taurus. You know, toro in Spanish. Or Italian, the bull. Taurus. But my point is, on your birthday, I did silently acknowledge to myself that it was your birthday. Nice. That's a real good friend. Yeah. Today it's Conan's birthday.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah.

[Andrew Gruss]

I could bring up something that in the last episode, you talked about Conan ruining the Phantom Menace for you.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Oh, yes, yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

The premiere of the Phantom menace back in 1999, you told a harrowing tale of how much you were looking forward to it. And you're sitting there and you're ready, and this is a big deal because it's the first Star wars movie that's come out in a long time.

[Jordan Schlansky]

One moment in particular that I had anticipated. One moment in time.

[Conan O'Brien]

Which was.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Which was that silence between the 20th century Fox fanfare and the opening music by John Williams. All I wanted was that moment.

[Conan O'Brien]

All you wanted was that moment.

[Jordan Schlansky]

For two hours, I wanted that one moment. Now, what are the chances?

[Conan O'Brien]

Now, can I just say, in the story you told, I enter right behind you and two seats have been saved for me because of my Status.

[Jordan Schlansky]

And I could tell by the person you were with, you were there in an ironic fashion. You were there to kind of look at the fans and see how they react.

[Conan O'Brien]

Not at all. Stimulus.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I knew, I knew what was happening.

[Conan O'Brien]

It was an accident that I was placed right behind Jordan. And then, of course, you know, I have to lean forward. I see that Jordan's there and I.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Have to lean forward. And it's like some calling that you have.

[Conan O'Brien]

And I, you know, I'm doing, giving you a little free shtick, shtick that other people would pay top moolah for. You're getting for free. And you were enraged and said it ruined the experience. There's been a lot of fan response. Right.

[Andrew Gruss]

Somebody did make the point of. In hindsight, Conan was probably the best part of that screening.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Not for me.

[Conan O'Brien]

What's your favorite part of that movie?

[Jordan Schlansky]

The part where you weren't cracking jokes in my ear.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, well, anyway, I. If you're a fan out there and you ever want to watch that movie and you'd like me behind you, I'll do it for free.

[Jordan Schlansky]

What I'm saying is I appreciate the place of humor in the world and certainly your humor, no question. But there are times where I want to be emotionally moved. Do you, like, is your brain. Your brain fascinates me. You're clearly an extraordinary man. Okay, are there times where you want to look at a piece of art and be brought to tears? Do you want. Do you cry at Mood? Like, are you always cracking jokes in your head? Like with this ironic stance? Like, if you feel emotion welling in you, do you have to pivot into, like, cynicism and kind of like, deconstructing?

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't think I'm an extensible person.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Do you, do you tear up at movies? Like when you watch Interstellar, the end of Interstellar, for example, talking about.

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't tear up at movies. I don't. No, I don't have time for that. I'm not gonna go look at a painting and go, boo hoo. That's not gonna happen to me.

[Jordan Schlansky]

No, it's fascinating. I know our brains are wired differently. I just am always curious as to the extent of it. So you don't put on movies. You don't.

[Conan O'Brien]

When I go to. When I go to a museum, when I go to a great museum and I'm walking, I'm thinking, what's funny about this? I'm not laughing. Where's the. Where's the gags?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Right?

[Conan O'Brien]

Do you know what I mean? I remember Looking. I stared at Guernica for, like, half an hour. I'm like, I don't get it. Nobody's laughing, right? And I've had that experience many times. I looked at Michelangelo's David. You probably have a very specific pronunciation from Michelangelo's David, don't you, Dabby Day? Yeah, I looked at Dobby Day and I was like, I don't get it. It's a guy with his cock hanging out in the wind. What's the big deal? Where's the laffaroos? That's me.

[Jordan Schlansky]

What I'm saying is, when you're alone and there's no audience, do you like, it's like, late at night and you're watching, like, a movie, like the end scene of Gladiator. Do you. Are you, like, cracking jokes in your head?

[Conan O'Brien]

Dying? And it looks like they put him on a skateboard.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay.

[Conan O'Brien]

And they're dragging him around.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I know the shot you're talking.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, yeah, he's got wheels on his back.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Russell Crowe. He's a skateboard. Hey, they should put UPS boxes on him and use them to move packages around. That's how they could use the Gladiator. Hey, he's dying. But, hey, we can still move these boxes. He. That's a funny bit. I better call my writers and get them working on it. The Gladiator. Greatest way to move packages.

[Jordan Schlansky]

See, that's your curse. You bring so much curse.

[Conan O'Brien]

Curse, Blessing.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I say you bring so much joy. You bring so much joy, and you have such an extraordinary mind, but your curse is you can't shut it off. And you're tortured 24. Seven by cracking jokes, by feeling the need to crack jokes to every emotional event that happens. Shut.

[Conan O'Brien]

Shut up. Who wants to shut off Willy Wonka's chocolate fountain? Nobody just wants to.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Don't you want to get lost in a beautiful moment?

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, boo hoo. No, I don't want to get lost. I want a GPS at all times. I don't. You're saying, oh, isn't it? The great tragedy of my life is that these gems sometimes have to stop. No. No one else is thinking that. Everyone else is saying, give me more of them gems.

[Andrew Gruss]

Yeah, you don't appreciate the gems.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I'm saying there's a time and a place for everything. There are times that I want gems and there are times.

[Conan O'Brien]

So a time to reap. A time for you to go to sleep. A time to membrane.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah. What do you got there, Frankie?

[Andrew Gruss]

You want a birthday?

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, look at that.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Well, that's.

[Conan O'Brien]

Jesus. You did that very well, Frank.

[Andrew Gruss]

Thank you.

[Conan O'Brien]

Frank was a magician's assistant for eight seconds before he was fired.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You know, one may.

[Conan O'Brien]

That's nice. You're wearing a nice hat.

[Jordan Schlansky]

That's right. One may think after so many decades that your extraordinary mind doesn't necessarily impress me on a daily basis. Even I have thought these things sometimes. But then every once in a while, there's something like the Hot Ones appearance, and I'm newly amazed all over again. I mean, that was just a fantastic masterclass.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, please.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I mean, there's so much to say about it. I appreciated the show. I appreciated the host. I appreciated a quality of the host that reminded me of you back on the old late night show. In that. In the late night show, you created a venue to showcase comedy and let that comedy shine, even if in that particular moment, it wasn't you personally. Shining, of course. And I think they have a great format, very clever in that it disarms the guest and presents more accurate depiction of the true guest. But they also, as much as their format, they're not rigid about their format. And they allowed you. They knew you came in with the material. Your great strength was you were always there as much or as little as your guest needed you to be. So if you had someone like Martin Shore and Tom Hanks that came with material, you knew when to shut up and kind of let them do their thing. And if you were with someone that needed some assistance, you were there to give some support. And I think it's kind of the same thing. He knew that you came with material, and he was happy to kind of let you run with.

[Andrew Gruss]

It's a great sleep machine, by the way.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, I know that.

[Jordan Schlansky]

First of all, I thought the host was great. The host was obviously well researched.

[Conan O'Brien]

First of all.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Discussed.

[Conan O'Brien]

First of all, this is a compliment now, when he drones on, but it's a compliment. I let him go.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah, well, we have free time on this show. This is free time. This is part of. I have. I have the floor.

[Conan O'Brien]

Whoa.

[Jordan Schlansky]

This is what I choose to talk.

[Conan O'Brien]

You know what I love? You're demanding. You're demanding respect while wearing a. A pointy hat. Yeah, but you. I love it. You were demanding. I have the floor. I have the floor.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

And you're. You're dressed like a jester, a chimp, a chump. You know? You know what I mean? I love it. I love it. I will be taken seriously. Time to get in your clown car there, Binky.

[Jordan Schlansky]

But this show is a slow burn. Okay? We're not Looking for like hit, hit, hit, hit.

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm always looking for.

[Jordan Schlansky]

People are just driving. They enjoy just like human conversation. You see, here we are. Here we are two men and we're just talking. You keep saying we're men and you.

[Conan O'Brien]

Keep saying we're human.

[Jordan Schlansky]

We're two men. We are relatable to humanity because they look at us, they look at us. And maybe we represent parts of their own psychology. And here we are interacting. What I'm saying is there are parts of us that are relatable to the listeners. And you may think there's an expectation that we have to keep things moving at a certain comedic pacing. And I enjoy just talking to you.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, I wish I could say the same. I think, I think the were Jose's.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Lines completely ad libbed completely by Isaiah.

[Conan O'Brien]

Arroyo, brilliant writer who I brought in as Dr. Arroyo because I always like him to play my doctor in any kind of sketch. And that's Jose Arroyo. And. And we. That was just all improv but lines.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Like it was supposed to be, you know, 100. Great. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's the real deal.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Great.

[Andrew Gruss]

Should we move on to the next. We're gonna be right back with a new segment called Jordan Schlansky, consumer watchdog.

[Conan O'Brien]

I wanna talk about San Diego for a second. I love San Diego. San Diego's a place that inspires optimism, positivity like no place else. I've thought about it. I've been to Paris.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

You know, I've been to Staad. Gross. I've been to some of the greatest cities in the world. Ugh.

[Jordan Schlansky]

All of em suck.

[Conan O'Brien]

They all blow. Compared to San Diego with friendly and down to earth people year round. Sunny weather, dynamic city experiences with a small beach town. It's the quintessential beach city. We used to do our Comic con shows there. I loved it.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I met my husband there.

[Conan O'Brien]

I know. Yeah, I arranged it.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Oh.

[Conan O'Brien]

San Diego's unique sunny outlook is fueled by good vibes and a unique outdoor lifestyle with a wide range of experiences to make your trip one to remember. They got 70 miles of coastline to explore. Unparalleled scenic beauty. From the deserts to the beaches, they have it all. They really do. They've got all these activities for kids and parents. You could go kayaking. You could take a trip to the world famous San Diego Zoo. Maybe a day at Balboa Park. Hello.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I love those weeks we did at college.

[Conan O'Brien]

You met your husband there. Yes, thank you. I arranged it anyway. Stop saying that. Hey you. Here's $20 go over and talk to her.

[Jordan Schlansky]

$20.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yep. He did it. Happiness is calling. Plan your [e-mail] funded in part with city of San Diego Tourism Marketing District assessment funds, Celebration Key is a brand new destination at Grand Bahama. Exclusively for carnival guests, Celebration Key features a one mile stretch of beautiful white sands beach surrounded by crystal clear azure waters. I love azure waters. I do too. I like them better than other waters. Best waters. There are two of the largest freshwater lagoons in the Caribbean and fun, relaxing and exciting island experiences that offer something for everyone. Like Paradise Plaza, a Caribbean welcome where you can find the iconic larger than life sun Castle in the middle of a freshwater lagoon featuring water slides and an observation deck. Or Calypso Lagoon, a vibrant area with a swim up bar and DJ Island. Ooh, someday I want to get stranded on DJ Island. Yeah, you want cabanas. DJ island full service restaurants and adults only section. What the hell? What's that all about? There's over 30. Great. I've been escorted out of that area so many times. There's over 30 great dining and bar locations including authentic local Bahamian flavors and more. Plus they have excursions like snorkeling, ATV riding and guided island tours. Carnival Celebration Caye is more than a destination. It's a paradise you'll want to lose yourself in. Book your escape to celebration [e-mail] Sailings start this summer. Ship's registry the Bahamas and Panama. The all new Nissan Armada Pro 4X is an unshakable fortress. Powered by a twin turbo V6 engine, ready to propel your adventures to new heights. Yeah, your voice changes when you do a car. I'm trying to become Will Arnett, but I can't do it. He's like the all new Nissan Armada Pro 4X. No, listen, I'm going to explain this car to you because this car is fantastic. It's max 8,500 pound towing capacity. Has the power to haul all your favorite toys on your next big adventure. You could steal the Statue of Liberty with this. It's incredible. I'm not saying do that. I'm just saying this thing, that's a lot of hauling power. Nobody gets left behind with the Armada Pro 4X's premium interior that seats up to eight passengers. That's crazy. I don't know. Eight people going big never goes out of style. No terrain is too tough for the all new Nissan Armada Pro 4X. The most capable Armada ever built. Built for the most rugged of terrain, the all new Nissan Armada Pro 4X gives you freedom to explore further. You know what's nice when the new year rolls around, Freshen up that wardrobe. Yeah. You know what I mean? Right. I like to look and feel like a new year. Oh. With a new year comes a new opportunity to reimagine ourselves and more importantly, our wardrobes. Refresh your look with quality pieces and stay on budget with quints. You're wearing quints right now. I am actually wearing quints. It looks beautiful. It looks very nice. It's so comfortable. It's really great quality.

[Jordan Schlansky]

It's a great price.

[Conan O'Brien]

I love quints. I get a lot of my stuff from quints. There's no better workout motivation than some new activewear. Their performance tees and tech shorts are perfect for any movement. And, you know, my movements are off the charts. You move. Yeah, I move. So I need performance tees and tech shorts. All Quint's pieces are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands because they partner directly with top factories, cutting out the cost of the middleman. I hate the middleman. Yeah, he's always in there saying, where's my share? And they pass the savings right onto you. That's a great quince piece you got right there. And don't I look like a. Like a professional work lady? You do, yeah. You look like a professional work lady. Yeah. Thank you. And the quality, is it nice? Let me feel that.

[Jordan Schlansky]

It's really nice.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, that is nice. Yeah. Okay. You seem surprised that, you know, I.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Wore something that's nice quality, but, you.

[Conan O'Brien]

Know, let's just say quince is a nice step up for you.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay, there it is.

[Conan O'Brien]

Upgrade your closet this year without the upgraded price tag. Go to quince.comconan for 365 day returns. That matches up with the number of days in a year. Plus free shipping on your order. That's Q-U-I-N C E.com Conan to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com/conan. All right, you are listening to the Conan and Jordan show, and very few people I know spend more time assessing the products they use than Jordan Schlansky. Jordan, I credit you everything on your body, everything in your life. You put a lot of thought into it. So it's only natural that you would be a consumer watchdog. So let's do a segment right now. Jordan Schlansky, consumer watchdog. And you have uncovered something today that you're gonna talk about. Would you like to.

[Jordan Schlansky]

To echo what you said? I'm very particular about the products I use I believe that one's life, in part, is defined by the products that surround us. We spend hours with these things, maybe even years. And aesthetically speaking, I like to have objects of beauty and utility around me. Now, I choose my products very carefully. And that is certainly true in the case of toilet paper. Now, I've got some products here that I. That I want to talk about.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wow. You know, that's a lot of toilet paper there.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Well, I do buy toilet paper in bulk because. Well, first of all, the need never.

[Conan O'Brien]

Goes away because you're a mad shitter. You're a. You're a 24 7. Yeah. You don't have to stack it all up. Maybe that's a mistake. There you go. All right, let's move that out of the way.

[Jordan Schlansky]

So listen, I choose my toilet paper very carefully, and I like this to be a once in a lifetime endeavor. Okay? I don't need to re choose my toilet paper every decade.

[Conan O'Brien]

Once you decide which toilet paper is yours, why would I change the conversations?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Unless there's some new technology that needs to be introduced to the world. So many years ago, I sampled different toilet papers. There were the aesthetics, there was the design on the paper itself. Was it a quilt? Of course.

[Conan O'Brien]

Where did you sample them? Were you in the aisle of the store with your pants down? What were you. I'm. I'm just curious. What were you doing? How did you.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Overtime. I purchased.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, I see.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Items.

[Conan O'Brien]

And you would. And you would pay attention. You didn't.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I would pay attention.

[Conan O'Brien]

You didn't line up a bunch of toilet papers, eat 15 burritos, and then check all of them?

[Jordan Schlansky]

No, I did not know.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay. That's. That's how I would have done it.

[Jordan Schlansky]

But anyway, I decided on a. On Charmin. At the time, it was called, I believe, Charmin plus or Charmin plus lotion or Charmin plus Allen E. They've gone through many iterations of the name over the years, and it was basically, they marketed it as having lotion in it. The lotion was mainly mineral oil. Sure, they put some aloe and E in there just to say that they did, but the bulk of it was mineral oil, which is not an expensive addition. Nevertheless, when you're talking about friction, a situation which is inherently comprised of friction and abrasion.

[Conan O'Brien]

What do you mean, a situation?

[Jordan Schlansky]

What I'm saying is the use of toilet paper. Any. Any physicist would know that the use of toilet paper involves friction. Two objects rubbing together. You're talking about abrasion, you're talking about erosion. For all the environmentalists out there. There is a human bodily erosion when using any toilet paper product, okay? Any toilet paper.

[Conan O'Brien]

Erosion.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Get erosion.

[Conan O'Brien]

You're wearing away pieces of your ass. What are you doing?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yes, you. Absolutely. If it's. If that's where you're using it. What I'm saying. What I'm saying is.

[Conan O'Brien]

What do you mean? Where are you using. What do you mean? Were you using it?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I use toilet paper on many areas of my body. I. What?

[Conan O'Brien]

What are you talking about?

[Jordan Schlansky]

My nose, my ears. I use it to wipe.

[Conan O'Brien]

You use Kleenex for your nose?

[Jordan Schlansky]

No, I use toilet paper for my nose. Sure. In a situation where I'm sick and there's a. There's an excess of mucus, I'll. I'll invest in a box of Kleenex. But why have a product that's good for one use when I can have a multi use product like toilet paper? I use toilet paper for cleaning up the kit. The bathroom sink of a errant spills so as not to mineralize the countertop. I use it to clean up the toilet rim. Should there be any urine. I use it.

[Conan O'Brien]

Urine?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I use it.

[Conan O'Brien]

Did you say urine?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I use it on different body parts. It's really a jack of all trades.

[Conan O'Brien]

Do you lactate?

[Jordan Schlansky]

What I'm saying is, anytime there's a discharge to me, toilet paper is going to be my first choice. Toilet paper is a big part of my life. See, some people take Q tips for their ears, which by the way, is unsafe. And now you have a second dedicated product that's only for your ears. What about toilet paper? What's the problem with using toilet paper to clean out your ears and your nose anyway? Listen, I don't mean to go on too much about the secondary uses. Nevertheless, don't. Don't give me that deep breath. I understand that you're in a rush, but I have a lot to say. I'm not toilet paper.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, no. I guess. What. Can I just say one thing? I'm not in a rush. Yeah, but this is my life, okay? And this is a piece of my life, okay? And you're wasting it, okay? Because you're talking. Get to the point. Which is.

[Jordan Schlansky]

This is the point. This is the point. I. I decided on Charmin toilet paper. They had a few varieties at the time because they like to overcomplicate their product line. I went with the version with lotion, which turned out to be mineral oil, okay? It's had a number of different. Now the Charmin people, the Procter and Gambler people, they're listening to this right now and those 30 something marketing people are saying, is this true? Was it, did it used to be called Aloh and E because they only know it as Charmin Ultra Gentle, the common name. And there's. There's one guy that probably knows that it was.

[Conan O'Brien]

Can I assure you, not only is no one at Charman listening right now, I think anyone who really loves the Conan channel has turned off at this point.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I buy my toilet paper in bulk because it never expires. I don't enjoy buying toilet paper. I don't want to buy toilet paper more often. I want to buy it less often.

[Conan O'Brien]

Do you get looks when you walk out, when you come to the cash register and you have 35 boxes? Yes, toilet paper?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I do.

[Conan O'Brien]

Do they think you have an issue?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yes, yes, I do get unusual looks. I'm used to unusual looks for a variety of reasons that never did. That never deters me. So I buy mine by the case. So I've got some cases here. I've got a backstock that I bought over the past few years. Okay. Now this is.

[Conan O'Brien]

Is it like someone who loves wine has a whole cellar filled with different wines?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah.

[Conan O'Brien]

You go downstairs and when it's your time, you. You run your hand along these racks and racks and racks of toilet paper, feeling for the one that will just suit this one particular purpose. Like I want. This was one that was made in Napa Valley. It's got aloe, but it's aloe from. That really comes from the soil. The good rich line.

[Andrew Gruss]

84.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, it's an 80. This is a great 84 aloe. Charming. Do you ever do that?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I pick the most damaged box because I like the boxes to look aesthetically beautiful. When I have an entire room full of toilet paper boxes, I like them to look beautiful. A lot of times you get shipping damage anyway, so the point is, I buy them in these cases of 18 rolls. These are mega rolls. Now, again, in a ridiculous overcomplication, Procter and Gamble has decided to offer different sizes of their roles. They have the regular roll, they have the giant roll, then they have the mega roll. The mega is the biggest. I've done the research. Can I have to.

[Conan O'Brien]

Can a mega roll fit on a standard toilet paper spool?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Can it? Can. So I buy eight mega rolls.

[Conan O'Brien]

I mean, if you're. If the toilet in your house is in a very small space, can you get in there with the mega roll or does a mega roll pretty much take up the whole bathroom?

[Jordan Schlansky]

No, the mega roll. You would Not a person of your coarse visual perception would not even recognize the difference between a giant roll and a mega roll. But I do, okay? I look deep beneath the surface. Anyway, just listen to me, okay? This case, this case of.

[Conan O'Brien]

Why? Why wouldn't I?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah. This case of 18 Charmin Ultra Gentle Mega Rolls cost $19.99. I bought this for many years, okay? Slight variations in the price up and down, but that's basically it. So recently I bought my Charmin order and I bought my 18 mega rolls for 19.99, and this came, okay? And I could already see the packaging is different. And this is telling me. Yeah, so this is telling me that something is. Something is off, okay?

[Conan O'Brien]

So something changed.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Something changed. Instead of a case, now I have this package. And immediately I'm suspicious. And listen, I don't want to look for a new brand of toilet paper. I don't like change when it comes to my toilet paper, okay? A lot of things in life should change, but, like, things like matches, toilet paper, they don't need to change. So the old Charmin Ultra Gentle, while the sheet size is the same, had 286 two ply sheets per roll, okay? The new Charmin has 231 two ply sheets per roll, okay? So the overall square footage of an 18 pack used to be about 51 meters squared, whereas this is only about 41 meters squared, which is a 20% decrease. So I get it, okay? Costs are rising in the toilet paper industry, and they've got to recoup, okay? Now, I don't believe they're being greedy. I don't think they're trying to impress their shareholders. I understand that the toilet paper costs have improved. Now, they could raise the price 20%, and then you'd have $24, and I'd get my same product. And you know what? I'd happily pay that $24 because I understand inflation exists. But they say, let's charge the same. Let's make the roles 20% smaller. Now, you can compare the old roll and the new role, and you'll see. You'll see a drastic, different, drastic difference.

[Conan O'Brien]

You okay? Why you. What's wrong with you? Why is your face.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Listen to me.

[Conan O'Brien]

You know what's your face? To me, why is this.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You know what this means?

[Conan O'Brien]

Why are you.

[Jordan Schlansky]

That's just my face. Now listen to me. This clearly means I'm going.

[Conan O'Brien]

This is the new one and this is the old one. Yes. I will say, first of all, I don't know why you started to laugh. Maniacally like a Bond villain.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yes.

[Conan O'Brien]

When you're talking about this stupid thing. But yeah, okay, the old role, you think for the same amount of money, you're getting 20% less.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay, fine, that's. That's no bombshell. But the point is, why do I have to change my toilet paper roll 20% more often? Why I'm always going to need new toilet paper, okay? It's not like I'm just going to buy one roll and be like, okay, that's it. I'm done. When this rolls over, for the rest of my life, I'm going to be making sure that there is toilet paper on that toilet paper holder. Okay? And why do I have to now? Because they have this marketing plan that are going to trick people into thinking that they're getting the same value now. I have to change my toilet paper roll more frequently. I have to buy more cases of toilet paper over the course of my lifetime. I have to maintain those cases and store those cases. Like, I just don't understand. Just be upfront and be like, hey, we're charging $24. And by the way, the packaging has changed too. I used to. If I have guests, I like to put a six pack of Charmin unopened, sealed into that rest. Wait, what do you.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wait, what?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Listen to me.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wait. Why do your guests need to see.

[Jordan Schlansky]

A. I'll tell you months. I want them to.

[Conan O'Brien]

Why do they need to see that?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I'll tell you why. Okay? If you go into a guest room, you want to know you have enough toilet paper for your stay there. You don't want to worry that you're going to have to ask for more toilet paper.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, you're saying six.

[Jordan Schlansky]

No one likes asking for more toilet paper.

[Conan O'Brien]

You're saying.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Because that's. You're saying still use above the average amount of toilet paper. Okay? Six rolls is enough to comfort people. It's not excessive. It's like, no matter what, no matter what happens to me in this week, I'm going to have enough toilet paper.

[Conan O'Brien]

These six rolls, you don't have to.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Use all this situation would. You don't have to use all six. You just know they're there. Okay? It's comforting.

[Conan O'Brien]

Did you do the same thing with food? When they come down to the refrigerator, do you have nine turkeys waiting for them to eat? I'm saying so they have the comfort level.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I don't like to scarcity.

[Conan O'Brien]

I've seen boxes of cereal abundance.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I like to show them that there is an abundance of toilet paper. Whatever happens, while you're here. You are covered. Anyway. Just let me get this out.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, no, no. I'll let you speak a lot and I'm going to take over for a second because you've. You're completely untethered. You are completely untethered. You're a balloon free of its string bopping around in the.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I want my guests to know it's Charmin because I want them to know it's a high quality premium product. And I'm not just buying. And are you getting paid? No.

[Conan O'Brien]

Are you getting any money from Charmin?

[Jordan Schlansky]

No, clearly not. I just criticize them, but at the same time, I do appreciate the quality of the paper that has not changed. Nevertheless, their new packaging inside the outer package with the bear is just, just a generic plastic case. My guests think that I'm buying from, like, Costco or something, like off brand. They don't know. It's charming.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, can I say one thing? First of all, I think when you put out that much toilet paper for your guests, it's an insult. It's you saying, I don't trust. No, I. I think you're a big pig. I think you're a big pig that eats and shits 24 7. You're a monster. That's what I think you're saying to them. You're just a giant.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I'm saying if you are. If you are that person, I got you covered. If you're a normal person, you're covered, too.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay? So next time I come to your.

[Jordan Schlansky]

House, you're gonna have plenty of toilet paper and you may not use it, and that's fine. I don't expect you to use it. But if you need to use it, it's there. You will never have to ask me for more toilet paper. Do you Imagine the humiliation? Excuse me. Thank you for letting me stay in your room. Do you have any more toilet paper? I gave you plenty of toilet paper. I need more toilet paper.

[Conan O'Brien]

So you're saying, I think if someone came to you, if you put six of these massive jumbo Charmin rolls in the guest room and they came out after a three day stay and say, excuse me, could I use with their pants around their ankles, Could I have more?

[Jordan Schlansky]

That would be unexpected. Again, I don't want to give them cases. I'm not gonna put cases in there. That's ridiculous. But I'd like to put a six pack.

[Conan O'Brien]

I have a question for you. When you travel, you and I have traveled together. We've shot some pieces together, and we've traveled the World. What is your security level? Your feelings about going to distant lands and needing to use a facility, another facility where you don't have control over the total.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I have adaptive techniques. As Darwin has showed us, the key to survival is not strength, but adaptability. I adapt to any situation.

[Conan O'Brien]

You're taking Charles Darwin's Origin of the Species, one of the greatest, most seminal works in the history of mankind, and you're going to apply it to your travel needs for toilet paper.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I believe in orienting the puborectalis muscle in a certain position to allow a greater elimination at home. And I have devices that yield this result.

[Conan O'Brien]

You have devices? I bet if a SWAT team broke into your home right now, they would find all kinds of devices hidden in the. In the crawl space. You freak. You freak. You freak.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay?

[Conan O'Brien]

But when I travel with erectus bone.

[Jordan Schlansky]

When I travel, access to my devices. So I improvise. I use a garbage can in, in the hotel.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, you don't. No, you don't. No, you don't. What do you do? What do you do?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I use the garbage can. In the way you're thinking. I use a garbage pail to orient my body in a certain position. Do you understand?

[Conan O'Brien]

No, I don't know what you're talking about. I honestly don't know what you're talking about.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I adapt to the situation. This is why I survive. It's not my strength, it's my adaptability. If I don't have. I don't have a toilet stool to properly orient my puborectalis muscle.

[Conan O'Brien]

I know. So hold on. Something right now. You're talking about the squatty potty.

[Jordan Schlansky]

That's one example of a toilet.

[Conan O'Brien]

Listen, I'm going to draw. Hold on, I'm going to draw.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay, go ahead.

[Conan O'Brien]

This is a toilet. Okay? This is you sitting on the toilet and you.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Well, first of all, there shouldn't. Even if, if, if you're a human animal, a Neanderthal, and you wanted to.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's Neanderthal.

[Jordan Schlansky]

No, it's Neanderthal.

[Conan O'Brien]

No one's ever said Neanderthal.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I just said it. The point is, you're supposed to be squatting on the ground, fully squatted in a fully squatting position to open up that puba right now.

[Conan O'Brien]

Is this what you're talking about right here?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yes, yes. That simulates a squatting position even though you're. You're on a modern toilet bowl. Now. Also, you haven't even mentioned how tall that toilet bowl is. You know, there's a variable height. I like to go with The KOHLER well worth 15 inches off the ground, no more. I have a higher one. Comfort height.

[Conan O'Brien]

I think that goes without saying. So in a perfect world, you'd be squatting is what you're saying.

[Jordan Schlansky]

In a perfect world, you'd be squatting. In the modern world, you can use devices to simulate squatting. Okay. Now in my house I have these devices and they're high quality devices because I'm going to be using these for decades. As I just described, I like to stick with a product for years.

[Conan O'Brien]

So you're talking about these, these things that you put your feet up on are made of a high quality material.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I like bamboo. Most of the bamboo.

[Conan O'Brien]

Bamboo and plastic. While you're really fancy guy.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You know, that's what they used on Gilligan's island, you know, bamboo.

[Conan O'Brien]

What are you talking about?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Bamboo is waterproof, it is strong, it is replenishable. Okay, I'm not hurting the environment with my toilet stool.

[Conan O'Brien]

No, I think you're, you're hurting the environment with your constant shitting. So that's, that's what you're hurting the environment with. You're. I mean, for God's sake, man. Okay, this is insanity.

[Jordan Schlansky]

So when I travel, I don't have access to my bamboo toilet stool. Okay, sure, I could find a way to bring it with me, but that's ridiculous.

[Conan O'Brien]

Just store it in the overhead compartment.

[Jordan Schlansky]

But I improvise when I get to a hotel room that immediately I assess the hotel room for any number of factors and I look at the garbage pail and if the garbage pail is the right height and shape, I can adapt that to my use.

[Conan O'Brien]

Now I don't want to. Now that grosses me out because if I stay in a hotel and I look at the garbage.

[Jordan Schlansky]

What are you doing with the hotel garbage pail?

[Conan O'Brien]

I'm so intimate that you had it upside down in a bathroom while you were poop.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I have no problem with someone using a garbage pail upside down. Do you know what substances are in hotel garbage pails that you need to be more concerned about than my feet? Okay, so toilet paper. If the toilet paper. First of all, I don't use toilet paper the way you think I do, okay?

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't want to know.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Okay?

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't want to know. I honestly don't want to know. I don't want to know.

[Jordan Schlansky]

There, there's an inherent flaw with the whole toilet paper system. Okay? I've discussed this before and I think it's really self evident. I don't think it needs more Explication. But just suffice it to say you're going to want a soap and water scenario in most cases. And toilet paper, even the best, is not going to cover you. So I use toilet paper in very limited ways. Nevertheless, I improvise in hotel rooms, open water scenarios.

[Conan O'Brien]

Do you hear yourself? Why are you shouting? You shout a lot and.

[Jordan Schlansky]

No, no, my enthusiasm, my enthusiasm. Don't mistake my enthusiasm for anger, okay? I'm passionate and I don't see the problem with that. One day you call me stoic, the other day you call me overly passionate.

[Conan O'Brien]

It's not coming across as passion, it's coming across as crazy. Well, I'm just gonna say like a rant. And also a defiant rant. A man who sees the world turning against him and using toilet paper improperly. And you are howling at the wind like King Lear, blind on the moors, unchained from all reality. So, yes, I think something in you is untethered and I'm glad that you've put this much thought into your toilet needs. But have you ever thought of. We've talked about this before, but shouldn't you just be using a bidet?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Well, like I was saying, I do have a system, an equivalent system. It's not a bidet per se, but I have a soap and water solution.

[Conan O'Brien]

So.

[Jordan Schlansky]

So what do you just use? Whatever. Toilet paper. Like, who even buys your toilet paper? Do you have a system?

[Conan O'Brien]

I just. Yeah, NBC used to give it to me for free and I still have the NBC supply.

[Jordan Schlansky]

And you just.

[Conan O'Brien]

There's a Tom Brokaw on every sheet. Yeah, listen, I.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You just take what you're given.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah. Pretty much in life.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah. With your toilet paper. I mean, obviously some things you care about. You're going to pick your car, you're going to pick your watch, but toilet paper, you just take what's there and you don't need.

[Conan O'Brien]

I've never put this much thought into it.

[Jordan Schlansky]

No, you understand there is abrasion. Erosion.

[Conan O'Brien]

Stop saying erosion. There's no erosion.

[Jordan Schlansky]

There is certainly there's no erosion. Of course there's erosion. And it's not. You have two. Two substances rubbing together, there's going to be some erosion. And you're losing sk. Skin on a cellular level and that's the micro level. And potentially on a macro level, if you're doing it.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay, I'm going to put an end to this now.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Ok.

[Conan O'Brien]

This is beyond the pale. And what you've done, I think is an audio crime today. You've committed an audio crime. We've had to sit and listen to this for a while. I suspect that you're getting something from the Charman people. I can't prove it, but I think you are. And I'm glad that you're. I'm happy that you're happy. If you found a toilet paper that you like, then I'm happy for you.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah, I wish that it wouldn't shrink in size, necessitating extra trips to the grocery store and extra changes of the roll.

[Conan O'Brien]

Well, that's just the world we live in today. Many things shrink in size as time goes on. And we accept it.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I'll pay the $24 for the original product.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay. Well, I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. I think that you should just accept this. And again, I just want to remind viewers, you are a married man. You have children. And I think I would.

[Andrew Gruss]

I'd hate to be the child being potty trained by.

[Conan O'Brien]

Can you imagine what is it like when you potty trained your children? Were you screaming at them the whole time about, you got to get your legs up higher? That's. Use the trash can. Use the trash can.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I don't fault people that are passionate in life. You understand?

[Conan O'Brien]

Sure.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I have passions.

[Conan O'Brien]

Many dictators do. Many, many mad people have insane ambitions. I would like and passions. I wish the best for you, Jordan. I really do. Wait a minute. I'm thinking about it. No, I don't. I just want to completely rescind that. But I'm glad you found a product that you like. And so you're saying this toilet paper is your recommendation? Charmin, gentlemen. Ultra gentle is what you like.

[Jordan Schlansky]

That's secondary. Yes, it is my recommendation. I do have a problem, and you do add. I do have a problem.

[Conan O'Brien]

And you have a method where you use soap and water and any trash can that's available, that's separate.

[Andrew Gruss]

Yes, this was Jordan Schlansky, consumer watchdog.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yeah, Consumer watchdog. Jordan Slansky, anyone who listened to all of this. I don't know what to tell you, but you should spend your time very differently in the future. Something's wrong with you, Jordan. I salute you as I always do, and thank you for your wisdom, your passion, and I think that's it. I mean, I don't know what else to say.

[Andrew Gruss]

We'll be right back.

[Conan O'Brien]

Will we? I don't see why we. Anyone who's waiting for more of this, God help you. Maybe check out what else is on the dial. What do you think we learned today, Jordan?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I think we were two men Having a human conversation with the two men, I think we don't need to learn anything, per se. I think we enrich the lives of people in our relatability.

[Conan O'Brien]

Okay. Why don't you ask any questions you might want to ask me about the episode? Maybe how I feel or from my perspective, or you just like to sort of be the yammerer in chief.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah. I can only hope that you enjoy this type of real conversation as much as I do.

[Conan O'Brien]

I don't think of this as real conversation. I don't think of you as a real person.

[Jordan Schlansky]

This is exactly how we would discuss without microphones in front.

[Conan O'Brien]

I know, I know. What I'm saying is, whether there are microphones here or not, when I'm talking to you, it never feels like a real conversation because I don't know who you are. Even after all these years, at your core, I don't know who you are.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Well, maybe you have enough real conversations in your life, and maybe you could benefit from an occasional surreal conversation.

[Conan O'Brien]

Oh, are you a surrealist? Is that what you're saying?

[Jordan Schlansky]

If you consider our relationship surreal, I don't necessarily think that's a negative. I think that whether we're different or congruous with the rest of your human interactions, I think that there is value there.

[Conan O'Brien]

Whether you're congruous with the rest of your human interactions. These are. This is. You're not going to hear this anywhere else on sxm, nowhere else on Sirius Radio are you going to hear any of this. Right.

[Andrew Gruss]

You might hear it on his new show.

[Conan O'Brien]

The Jordan.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Oh, the Jordan. The Jordan Schlansky Music Hour. Yes. I play different pressings. Some will be vinyl rips, some will be. I spent $300 for men without Hats. Rhythm of Use. Because I wanted the safety D people that did. Yeah. Now you can find it on countless compilations. Okay? But their original CD pressing of Rhythm of Youth is incredibly rare. I spent a lot of money for it. And by the way, when I rip.

[Conan O'Brien]

A cd, does your wife know that you're spending a lot of money on this? Absolute bullshit.

[Jordan Schlansky]

When I rip a cd, I don't just use itunes and stick it in. I have a very specific procedure. Okay, this is bit perfect.

[Andrew Gruss]

You came up with this theory of relativity, Einstein.

[Jordan Schlansky]

You're talking about the special theory of relativity from 1905 or the general theory from 1915.

[Conan O'Brien]

You. I'm not going to indulge this. When someone has an illness, you don't indulge it. And I don't want to keep indulging this. Because I think this is a form of illness.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Sure.

[Conan O'Brien]

So does your wife. Now answer the question. Does she ever look at the bills and say someone just spent $7,000 on a clock radio that looks like Darth Vader's head?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Does she see that I have hobbies? I have hobbies.

[Conan O'Brien]

Right. But does she? You're a couple. You're husband and wife. You have children. And they need to be educated at some point. Does she ever say, you know, who spent $4,000 on the lightsaber that's made out of salami that was part of an Etsy auction? Does she ever call into question your expenditures?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I think people have their passions and it's healthy if they get a chance to exploit those passions.

[Conan O'Brien]

Does she feel the same way?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I think that.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes. We got the nerve here. Listen, maybe she'll be on the. We ought to talk to her at some point.

[Andrew Gruss]

Would you allow us?

[Jordan Schlansky]

You have your guitar collections. You have your. Your various matters that you're passionate about. I collect rare CD pressings.

[Conan O'Brien]

Don't make fun of my various matters. Yeah, that's getting way too personal.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Yeah. I'm just saying we all. We all have our passions. Matters. And I do think it's healthy to explore those things.

[Andrew Gruss]

Could we have your wife on the show one day?

[Jordan Schlansky]

Listen, I am a very private man. Like I say, I like to observe other people. I'm not particularly comfortable with being observed. Some might say this whole format is contrary to my core values. Nevertheless.

[Conan O'Brien]

But here you sit, because you might make a little bit of scratch, and then you can buy Harrison Ford's Incisor that he lost in 1972 in a bar fight. All I know is that I do enjoy you, Jordan.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Thank you.

[Conan O'Brien]

In a very perverse way, I enjoy you. And you do fascinate me. And I enjoy our time together. And I'm glad that it's being recorded for the police on the Conan and Jordan show right here on SiriusXM. You can leave.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Not the original CD pressing, this, isn't it? No.

[Conan O'Brien]

Can you hear the difference?

[Jordan Schlansky]

I would play you mine. Wait till you hear mine. Jordan Schlansky radio show. Coming soon. Sirius channel 104.

[Conan O'Brien]

Don't wait for it. It's not coming. We have someone from Sirius right here, right now, and he just keeps shaking his head.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Physically imposing, gentle giant.

[Conan O'Brien]

Yes, yes. And he's making it clear.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Michael Crawford, Phantom of the Opera.

[Conan O'Brien]

What everybody says. I wonder who's my.

[Andrew Gruss]

The Conan and Jordan show with Conan O'Brien and Jordan Schlansky is produced by Me Frank Smiley Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross and Jim McClure engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez. Our supervising producer is Andrew Gruse. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Bautista and Brit Kahn. The theme song is Tom Sawyer by Rush. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan and Jordan? Call the team Coco Hotline [phone] and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. And be sure to subscribe and tune in to to Conan O'Brien radio channel 104 on SiriusXM.

[Jordan Schlansky]

All set for your flight?

[Conan O'Brien]

Yep. I've got everything I need.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Eye mask, neck pillow, T Mobile headphones.

[Conan O'Brien]

Wait. T Mobile? You bet. Free in flight.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Wi Fi. 15% off all Hilton brands. I never go anywhere without T Mobile.

[Conan O'Brien]

Mobile. Same goes from a water bottle, chewing gum, nail clippers.

[Jordan Schlansky]

I'm gonna leave you to it.

[Conan O'Brien]

Find out how you can experience travel better@t mobile.com Travel qualifying plan required.

[Jordan Schlansky]

Wi Fi were available on select US airlines. Deposit and Hilton honors membership required for 15. Discount terms and conditions apply. How do you make an Airbnb a vrbo? Picture a vacation rental with a host who's showing you every room like you've never seen a house before. Now get rid of them. There you go. No host ever. Now it's a verbo. Make it a verbo.