Podcast Summary: Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Episode: The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Release Date: February 14, 2025

In this episode of "Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend," Conan O’Brien engages in his signature witty and playful banter with his enigmatic friend, Jordan Schlansky. The conversation navigates through various topics, culminating in a deep dive into Jordan’s unique perspectives on consumer products, particularly focusing on toilet paper. The episode is structured into clear segments, each enriched with notable quotes and engaging discussions.

1. Opening Banter and Music Collection

[02:13] Jordan Schlansky:
"I collect various CD pressings from all over the world. I have my favorite versions of moving pictures."

Jordan introduces his unconventional hobby of collecting international CD pressings, emphasizing the uniqueness of different country-specific sound qualities from the 80s and 90s. Conan playfully mocks the relevance of CDs in the digital age, leading to a humorous exchange about Jordan’s meticulous audio preferences.

[03:01] Conan O'Brien:
"You are the ripper. My point is, Jordan, before you get into your idea, I just want to slow you down because you came out of the gate hot."

Conan's teasing highlights the contrast between his more carefree approach to music and Jordan’s obsessive attention to detail.

2. Birthday Conversations

[10:56] Conan O'Brien:
"Yours was April 13th and mine was April 18th."

The hosts shift the conversation to their recent birthdays, revealing Jordan’s preference for privacy and his discomfort with being the center of attention. This segment showcases Jordan’s reserved nature juxtaposed with Conan’s more expressive personality.

[12:03] Jordan Schlansky:
"I like to be the observer, not the observed."

Jordan elaborates on his introverted tendencies, explaining his desire to remain unnoticed and his limited preference for sharing personal milestones like birthdays.

3. Consumer Watchdog Segment: The Toilet Paper Rant

[28:37] Jordan Schlansky:
"I choose my toilet paper very carefully, and I like this to be a once in a lifetime endeavor."

The centerpiece of the episode is Jordan’s passionate critique of toilet paper products. He meticulously dissects the changes in Charmin’s product line, highlighting a significant decrease in sheet count per roll without a price increase. Jordan argues that this "shrinkflation" forces consumers to buy more rolls to maintain the same level of usage, which he finds deceptive.

[31:01] Jordan Schlansky:
"Any physicist would know that the use of toilet paper involves friction. You're talking about abrasion, you're talking about erosion."
[31:05] Conan O'Brien:
"You're wearing away pieces of your ass. What are you doing?"

Jordan delves into the physics of toilet paper usage, attributing a pseudo-scientific rationale to his dissatisfaction. Conan humorously exaggerates the impact of Jordan’s arguments, turning the critique into a comedic moment.

[35:12] Jordan Schlansky:
"18 Charmin Ultra Gentle Mega Rolls cost $19.99. I bought this for many years."

Jordan presents his analysis, detailing the cost per roll and the deceptive packaging strategies employed by manufacturers to mask the reduction in product quantity.

[37:11] Conan O'Brien:
"The old role, you think for the same amount of money, you're getting 20% less."
[37:26] Jordan Schlansky:
"Why do I have to now? Because they have this marketing plan that are going to trick people into thinking that they're getting the same value now."

The dialogue intensifies as Jordan emphasizes the frustration of needing to purchase more toilet paper due to manufacturer changes, while Conan plays the role of the skeptical consumer, highlighting the absurdity with humor.

4. Addressing Personal Habits and Relationships

[43:21] Jordan Schlansky:
"In a perfect world, you'd be squatting. In the modern world, you can use devices to simulate squatting."
[43:35] Conan O'Brien:
"So you're talking about these things that you put your feet up on are made of high-quality material."

The conversation takes a turn towards bathroom ergonomics, with Jordan advocating for a squatting position even on modern toilets. Conan continues to interject with humorous skepticism, lightening the mood amidst Jordan’s intense focus on the subject.

5. Final Exchanges and Wrap-Up

[49:37] Jordan Schlansky:
"If you are that person, I got you covered. If you're a normal person, you're covered, too."

As the episode nears its conclusion, Jordan reiterates his commitment to consumer advocacy, regardless of others' perceptions. Conan wraps up with a blend of mock irritation and genuine appreciation for Jordan’s peculiar but earnest perspectives.

[50:02] Conan O'Brien:
"I don't think of this as a real conversation. I don't think of you as a real person."
[50:37] Jordan Schlansky:
"Well, maybe you have enough real conversations in your life, and maybe you could benefit from an occasional surreal conversation."

The closing moments reflect the unique dynamic between the hosts—Conan's playful dismissal and Jordan's steadfast adherence to his viewpoints.

Notable Quotes

• Jordan Schlansky:
  "I believe that one's life, in part, is defined by the products that surround us."
  (Timestamp: [28:37])

• Conan O'Brien:
  "Why do you have to change your toilet paper roll 20% more often?"
  (Timestamp: [37:26])

• Jordan Schlansky:
  "There is a human bodily erosion when using any toilet paper product."
  (Timestamp: [31:01])

• Conan O'Brien:
  "I don't tear up at movies. I don't have time for that."
  (Timestamp: [16:48])

Insights and Conclusions

This episode highlights Jordan Schlansky's meticulous nature and his propensity to delve deeply into niche topics, juxtaposed with Conan O’Brien's casual and humorous demeanor. The "Consumer Watchdog" segment serves as a satirical exploration of consumer frustrations with product changes, embodied by Jordan’s fixation on toilet paper metrics. Through their interplay, the podcast underscores themes of friendship, the clash of personalities, and the humor found in obsessive attention to mundane details.

For listeners who enjoy Dry humor mixed with unconventional debates, this episode offers both laughs and a glimpse into Jordan’s unique worldview, all while maintaining the charm that fans have come to expect from "Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend."