What we learn when things fall apart

Summary

Consider This from NPR Episode: "What We Learn When Things Fall Apart" Release Date: December 31, 2024

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Introduction

In the poignant episode titled "What We Learn When Things Fall Apart," NPR’s Consider This delves deep into the transformative power of life's most challenging moments. Hosted by Juana Summers, the episode features heartfelt narratives from individuals who have navigated personal tragedies and emerged with newfound strength and insights.

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Tragedy and Resilience: Mike Ingram's Story

Timestamp [02:00]:
Juana Summers introduces Mike Ingram, a listener who faced an unimaginable tragedy in 2010. Mike and his wife, Celia, received devastating news when a drunk driver collided with their son Michael’s car on I-95 in Philadelphia. The accident claimed Michael's life, leaving the family shattered.

Mike Ingram shares:
"My son was 23, an athlete, and had a whole lot of life ahead of him. So that's been the heartbreak of my life right there. If you had told me before my son's passing that I could live, I would say it's not possible, but we're finding ways of doing that." ([02:25])

Coping Through Helping Others:
In the aftermath, Mike discovered solace in supporting other parents who endured similar losses.
"I found for me that helping other people has been a help to me. So I called up many of those parents so they could just have someone to talk to and to scream at because it is difficult and sometimes you have to be able to vent the anger. It hurts." ([02:47])

Through his journey, Mike illustrates how channeling grief into meaningful connections can aid in healing.

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Navigating Personal Turmoil: Allie Feller's Journey

Timestamp [03:10]:
The episode transitions to Allie Feller, a dedicated runner and podcaster, who opens up about her tumultuous year marked by a cancer diagnosis and the end of her marriage.

Allie Feller reflects:
"At times it felt like I was kind of living a double life where I was using the word cancer to mask the really hard stuff... no one was like, well, is there anything else that's hard?" ([04:50])

Facing Overwhelm and Seeking Balance:
Juana explores how Allie managed overwhelming emotions while juggling her responsibilities as a mother and professional.
Allie shares her initial struggle with her diagnosis:
"I went for an eight-mile walk. I remember it being really hot out in May 2023 and just walking until I felt like I couldn't walk anymore. And so that was actually a practice that really stuck with me." ([06:04])

Embracing Vulnerability:
When discussing the importance of allowing oneself to feel vulnerable, Allie emphasizes her focus on her daughter’s well-being over societal expectations of bravery:
"I never got cancer to inspire anyone. I have a really fraught relationship with the word inspiring because all I've done, frankly, in the past year is survive... my daughter’s opinion is the one that matters." ([07:13])

Moments of Joy Amidst Struggle:
Allie recounts a particularly meaningful day that symbolizes resilience and hope:
"Driving home that night and blasting music in my car and actually singing. And I was like, oh, I'm gonna be okay. It was the first time throughout all of this that I actually felt... there was a lot of beauty in this day." ([08:33])

Looking Forward with Hope:
As the episode draws to a close, Allie shares her intentions for the new year:
"In 2025, I am looking for peace, ease, happiness, joy, and fun... I'm enjoying that and chasing that." ([10:44])

Allie’s narrative underscores the delicate balance between enduring hardship and embracing moments of joy, highlighting the human capacity for growth and renewal.

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Key Takeaways

• Healing Through Connection: Both Mike and Allie demonstrate that reaching out to others and building supportive communities are crucial in overcoming personal tragedies.

• Embracing Vulnerability: Allowing oneself to feel and express emotions, rather than masking them, can lead to genuine healing and resilience.

• Finding Joy Amidst Pain: Even in the darkest times, moments of happiness and beauty can provide hope and motivation to persevere.

• Hope and Forward Momentum: Looking towards the future with intentions for peace and joy can guide individuals out of their struggles and into a renewed sense of self.

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Conclusion

"What We Learn When Things Fall Apart" offers a moving exploration of human resilience. Through Mike Ingram and Allie Feller’s stories, listeners gain profound insights into coping with loss, embracing vulnerability, and finding strength in adversity. This episode serves as a testament to the enduring spirit of individuals who, despite facing immense challenges, continue to seek and create moments of hope and joy.

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Produced by Briana Scott, Connor Donovan, and Katherine Fink. Audio engineering by Becky Brown. Edited by Jeanette Woods and Courtney Dorning. Executive Producer: Sami Yenigun.

Transcript

[Mary Louise Kelley]

Hi, this is Mary Louise Kelley. I cannot believe it is the last day of 2024. And this is the moment right now when NPR needs your support. We are a nonprofit news organization. We are dedicated to creating a more informed public through independent, honest, accurate, transparent and fair journalism. You can read all about our code of [e-mail] those are the standards to which we hold ourselves when we bring you Consider this and everything you hear from n you listen because you care about staying informed about the community and world around you. Well, today you can help us keep this free public service available to everyone and unlock sponsor free listening to Consider this if you sign up for npr. It's a new way to support NPR and get perks for more than 25 podcasts. Podcasts like Planet Money, Fresh Air, wait, wait, don't tell me, and many more. You can join NPR today at plus.NPR.org that is plus NPR plus.NPR.org and if you want to make a gift today and help us out before the end of the year, you can do [e-mail] thank you. If you are already an NPR supporter or if you support your local station, we're grateful to have your backing as we move into the new year.

[Juana Summers]

I don't know about you, but this was a tough year for me. I won't get into the details, but reflecting on it, I realized that as hard as it was, I'm also coming out of this year feeling stronger and I know I'm not alone. So to kick off 2025, we asked you, our listeners, to tell us about some of your most challenging years, what you experienced, how you made it through, and what you can take from it into a new year. One of those listeners was Mike Ingram.

[Mike Ingram]

We were laying in bed and we got a phone call at 5:15 in the morning to say that our son was at the hospital. And they wouldn't tell us anything other than he was at the hospital.

[Juana Summers]

In 2010, Mike and his wife, Celia, received the news that every parent fears most. A drunk driver speeding up I95 northbound in Philadelphia crossed into the southbound lanes and crashed into their son Michael's car.

[Mike Ingram]

My son was 23, 3 years old, an athlete, and had a whole lot of life ahead of him. So that's been the heartbreak of my life right there. If you had told me before my son's passing that I could live, I would say it's not possible, but we're finding ways of doing that.

[Juana Summers]

But Ingram did survive, and he found a way to help other parents with the loss of a child.

[Mike Ingram]

I found for me that helping other people has been a help to me. So I called up many of those parents so they could just have someone to talk to and to scream at because it is difficult and sometimes you have to be able to vent the anger. It hurts.

[Juana Summers]

Consider this. There's a lot to learn from life's hardest moments.

[Allie Feller]

There were really dark days in there and days that I was like, nope, I can't keep doing this. I can't keep doing this. And I did.

[Juana Summers]

Coming up, runner and podcaster Allie Feller talks about how she navigated a challenging year from npr. I'm Juana Summers.

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[Juana Summers]

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[Allie Feller]

At times it felt like I was kind of living a double life where I was using the word cancer to mask the really hard stuff, which was kind of nice, is that I sort of had an out where I could just say, oh, yeah, life's really hard right now because of the cancer. And no one questioned it. No one was like, well, is there anything else that's hard?

[Juana Summers]

Ali Feller is a runner and host of the podcast Ally on the Run, where she talks with runners about all things running. In 2023, she was diagnosed with breast cancer, invasive ductal carcinoma. At the same time, her marriage ended. I asked her what it's been like to navigate her cancer diagnosis.

[Allie Feller]

Right now, it's nice to be on the cancer free side of things, which is wonderful. But certainly looking back to a year and a half ago I think it went from overwhelming to scary to, okay, let's deal with this thing. And then lots of sneaky emotions along the way, some sneaky trauma and grief.

[Juana Summers]

How do you manage that overwhelm? I know for me, when I'm feeling particularly overwhelmed, it can feel like the thing that's overwhelming me is the only thing in the room, the only thing that I can focus on, the only thing that I can think about. And yet you have a job, you have a family, you have all these other things you have to navigate, so you can't let it consume you.

[Allie Feller]

Yeah. As much as I would have, you know, my immediate response to that is, oh, I cry. I love crying. I sit and cry. I cry all the time when I'm feeling overwhelmed. But you don't have that luxury if you have a job and relationships and a child, which My daughter was 4 when I was diagnosed. And so I didn't get to just sit around and cry. What I did do is I went for a lot of walks and I'm a runner. Running has been a huge part of my life for a long time now. But for some reason, when I got this diagnosis, I just couldn't seem to find not the will to run. But I was already going through this hard thing, and running is inherently hard. And I think it was just one more hard thing. And so I just slowed it down and I started walking. I remember the day of my mammogram and ultrasound. I didn't have a diagnosis yet, but we kind of had a sense that nothing good was going to come from that. And I went for an eight mile walk. I remember it being really hot out. I remember sweating like crazy in May 2023 and just walking until I felt like I couldn't walk anymore. And so that was actually a practice that really stuck with me.

[Juana Summers]

And about those days where, you know, you don't feel like being strong, do you think there's merit in allowing yourself to just be out there and exist without putting on that brave face?

[Allie Feller]

Yeah. And, you know, that's something that I've thought about a decent amount. I don't care if people look at me and say, she's brave. I never got cancer to inspire anyone. I have a really fraught relationship with the word inspiring because all I've done, frankly, in the past year is survive. I've been in survival mode for a long time. So, yeah, I don't know how I feel about the bravery side of things. I think for me, the only person that I cared about seeing me a certain way is my daughter. You know, her opinion is the one that matters. And all she needs is for me to show up for her and be her mom. And on the absolute worst days, I never stopped doing that thing. If I could do nothing else on any given day, I could get my daughter's lunch packed and I could do her hair, and we could smile and enjoy the simplest moments together, even if then I dropped her off at school and just crawled right back into bed, which I did plenty of times.

[Juana Summers]

There is something that you wrote a while back that has really stuck with me. You were writing about duality and how you've had these days in the last year and a half wondering how low your rock bottom could actually go. But also, you talked about these moments of tremendous joy that you've also had. And I wonder, is there one memory or one day that really encapsulates all that for you?

[Allie Feller]

Ooh, gosh, great question. And there have been so many. One that comes to mind because it's this time of year, it was last December. And so at this point, I had just finished chemotherapy, like, three days prior. My daughter dances at the same dance studio now that I grew up dancing at, which is just a super special thing to watch. And it was her holiday show, and at the time, we were going through a divorce, but still living together, which was very challenging for me. And so the arrangement for that day was that I would bring our daughter to her show. I would get her ready and do her hair, and was so excited about that. And this was her first big dance performance on a stage. And so I was really looking forward to it, and so was she. And so I brought her to the performance. She did amazing. And then it was her father's birthday that day. And so after the show, the plan was that she would go with him, and they were going to go out to dinner and celebrate his birthday, which is great. And I was like, oh, you know, to go from this wonderful high of. You just finished chemotherapy. Your daughter's dancing on the same stage that you used to dance on, and she loves it, and she's smiling and she's having the time of her life, and you don't get to bring her home. But at the same time, I remember driving home that night and blasting music in my car and actually singing. And I was like, oh, I'm gonna be okay. And it was the first time throughout all of this that I actually felt, not because someone else told me and not because anything magic happened. Just, hey, there was a lot of beauty in this day. Today. And there's so much to celebrate. And that I think, is also important to have those days in the thick of it that remind us that we're going to be okay, even. Even if we're faking it until we make it, which I did a lot of that, too.

[Juana Summers]

Allie, given everything that you've experienced lately, when the clock strikes midnight and we set into a new year, what are you going to be thinking about?

[Allie Feller]

This one's going to be my year. Really.

[NPR Politics Podcast Host]

All.

[Allie Feller]

All I can ask for and, you know, try to manifest in 2025 is I am looking for peace, ease, and joy. And I will also say, you know, there's easy and hard parts of every day. There's. Like you said, there's the duality in every single day. But coming to a close on this year looks so different than a year ago. A year ago, I was in that dark and scary place of really being in the thick of cancer, really being in the thick of divorce, feeling scared and sad and angry every single day at something. And now 2024 is ending, and there's still some of that. But my house is peaceful. And even on the hard days, I do feel happy every day, at least at some point. So, you know, I know I'm getting there. There's a reason my daughter is named Annie. I am a very firm believer that the sun will, in fact, come out tomorrow. And so, yeah, I'm. I'm always hanging on to that, but I also can feel it. I feel the peace in my house. I can feel it in my body. My shoulders are dropped. Still a lot going on. Still a lot that's hard. Still a lot that's stressful. But in 2025, I am looking for peace, ease, happiness, joy, and fun. I kind of think I'm in a fun era right now, and so I am enjoying that and chasing that.

[Juana Summers]

We've been talking with Allie Feller. She's the host of the podcast Ally on the Run. Allie, thank you and Happy New Year.

[Allie Feller]

Thank you so much. Same to you.

[Juana Summers]

This episode was produced by Briana Scott, Connor Donovan and Katherine Fink, with audio engineering by Becky Brown. It was edited by Jeanette woods and Courtney Dorning. Our executive producer is Sami Yenigun. It's Consider this from npr. I'm Juana Summers.

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