Coparent Academy Podcast

Episode #154 - Outside My Window of Tolerance
Hosts: Linda VanValkenburg & Ron Gore
Date: April 7, 2025

Episode Overview

In this candid solo episode, Ron Gore shares a deeply personal account of a week marked by extraordinary stress: his house was hit by a tornado, and he contracted COVID-19. Through this experience, Ron explores the concept of the "window of tolerance" and how traumatic events can profoundly impact one's ability to self-regulate. Drawing on recent discussions about emotional regulation, he illustrates—through his own reactions and vulnerabilities—how easily even the best-prepared individuals can be thrown outside their window of tolerance, and the essential role of supportive relationships in regaining balance.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. A Week of Crisis: Tornado and COVID-19

• Setting the stage: Ron rarely discusses his personal life in detail, but felt compelled to share this week’s events due to their magnitude.

• Timeline:

  • Began week increasing medication dosage (leading to side effects and disrupted sleep) (00:30)
  • Already feeling sick, unaware he was coming down with COVID (01:10)
  • Wednesday: maintained early morning routine despite poor health; unwittingly returns home as weather worsens (01:35)
  • Tornado hits just as he and his wife Rebecca come in from the patio, causing major damage to their home (03:00)

  "No sooner had she come outside, then the rain went from vertical to horizontal… then, within another second, it went from being horizontal to going up, coming from the ground and hitting us upwards. And we realized that was no good." — Ron, 03:30

• Extent of damage:

  • Roof and fence destroyed, neighboring homes worse off
  • Roofing tile from another house shattered bathroom window, where Ron and Rebecca could have been standing (04:25)
  • Immediate recognition of how narrowly they escaped harm

2. Physical and Emotional Aftermath

• Post-tornado: Ron begins to feel increasingly sick; tests confirm COVID-19 (05:15)
• Health anxiety: Ron’s history with COVID (first likely case in Jan 2020 led to heart issues); new infection brings up old fears and anxieties (06:45)
• Family milestones: Son turning 20 adds (positive and fraught) emotional energy (07:46)
• Compounded stressors: Sleep deprivation, illness, family transitions—all culminating during a rare natural disaster

3. The Window of Tolerance in Practice

• Concept: The “window of tolerance” refers to the optimal zone of arousal for everyday functioning, emotional regulation, and effective reasoning—a core topic of recent episodes (08:00).

• Personal vulnerability: Ron describes himself as “extremely hyperregulated” due to family background—typically steady, but not always responsive in expected ways (08:40)

• Therapeutic growth: Notes progress through therapy and a transformative Ayahuasca experience in accessing his emotions (09:12)

  "This is me happy, this is me mad, this is me sad. You're going to get the same effect from me oftentimes regardless of what I'm thinking or feeling." — Ron, 09:01

• How he reacts under stress: Not through anger or outbursts, but by becoming distrustful and withdrawn (10:00)

  "What it looks like for me is I get extremely distrustful when my nervous system gets triggered… I start to fall into the pattern of thinking that I can't trust anybody, that no one is safe." — Ron, 10:21

4. Coping with Distrust and Overwhelm

• Describing the scene:

  • After disaster, streets fill with workers, both called and unsolicited (11:00)
  • As someone lacking knowledge in home repairs, this adds to anxiety and distrust—fear of being taken advantage of (12:10)
  • Relates this psychological response to how co-parents may react during conflict (13:30)

• Window of tolerance and perception: When outside his window, Ron sees everyone as predatory—a self-reinforcing fear (13:35)

  "If I'm really deep into it, I may be thinking, 'See, and I'm the smart one because I know what they're about, I know what they're trying to do.'" — Ron, 14:20

5. Feedback, Repair, and the Path Back

• Partner feedback: Rebecca points out his negativity and distrust, which helps Ron recognize he’s outside his window (14:48)

• Crucial relationships: Emphasizes value in having people who can compassionately give difficult feedback, and the humility required to receive it (15:05)

  "It's absolutely critical to have people in our lives who can tell us when we're not being our best selves and we can receive it from them." — Ron, 15:48

• Resetting regulation:

  • Strategies vary: intentional breathing, movement, support from trusted people (16:02)
  • The hardest part is sometimes simply noticing you’re dysregulated and accepting help

6. Tying Back to Coparenting

• Analogy to coparenting: Unexpected crises can come from a co-parent’s actions, despite your own precautions and good intentions (17:11)

• Universal takeaway: Recognize when you’ve been knocked out of your window of tolerance, seek support, forgive yourself, and move forward (18:10)

  "It’s so easy to happen. It can happen so quickly, and it’s not your fault when you get knocked out of your window of tolerance…repair any damage that maybe you did while you were outside…and move on, because that’s what we're going to be doing." — Ron, 18:15

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On barely escaping disaster:
  "As we were coming in, that's when the tornado hit. We, another second or two, we would have been outside in it." (03:18)

• On the hidden face of emotional dysregulation:
  "When I'm within my window of tolerance…I'm much more optimistic…But my wife was able to say to me, 'Hey, you're being negative, like you're only seeing the negative, you're thinking everyone's against you, you know, are you okay?'" (14:48)

• On the importance of feedback and self-forgiveness:
  "The thing that you can do is hopefully recognize it as soon as possible, repair any damage that maybe you did while you were outside of your window…forgive yourself and move on." (18:10)

• Personal reflection on the relevance of past discussions:
  "I thought it was so interesting…I've been talking about the window of tolerance and…all those things. And I got put through something…that completely took me out of my window of tolerance." (17:47)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:30 – Onset of an already stressful week (medication and poor sleep)
• 03:00 – Experiencing the tornado
• 05:15 – Day after: feeling sick, COVID confirmed
• 08:00 – Window of tolerance concept and personal history
• 10:21 – What dysregulation looks like for Ron (distrust)
• 11:00 – Dealing with strangers and aftermath logistics
• 13:30 – Coparenting analogy (crisis beyond your control)
• 14:48 – Partner’s role in providing feedback
• 15:48 – Importance of trusted feedback and relationship strength
• 17:11 – Tying personal experience to coparenting takeaways
• 18:15 – Self-forgiveness and moving forward

Tone, Language, and Style

Ron’s narration is candid, reflective, and slightly self-deprecating, infused with vulnerability and wisdom borne from difficult experience. He speaks gently about the limits of his own regulation, values the support of his wife, and connects his insights back to universal themes of trust, self-awareness, and grace in coparenting and life.