← Coparent Academy Podcast
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- [00:01]
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If you have a co parent, you probably feel like conflict is unavoidable. And you may be right. You may have the worst luck in co parents and conflict may be somewhat unavoidable for you. But even if conflict is unavoidable, it doesn't mean that it has to be harmful to either you or to your child. Conflict is not inherently bad. It can be positive if approached in the right way. So today what we're going to do is talk about the first step of turning conflict into something potentially positive. And that's stopping to ask yourself what's upsetting you and why? Why are you so pissed at your co parent? Let's use what is sort of a quintessential example of co parent low level conflict. And that's showing up late to a visitation exchange, right? Let's say your co parent is 10 minutes late. You're sitting in some gas station parking lot. If you're in Oklahoma, you're probably at a quick trip and you're just waiting on your co parent. And in that 10 minutes, you've got nothing better to do than just get good, good and pissed, right? All of the different thoughts that run through your head are starting to turn up, your engine is starting to rev, and you are just getting matter and matter while you're sitting there. You're getting increasingly dysregulated and you're about to have a visitation exchange. And let's say that you're receiving your child now. You're going to be sitting in that car or stepping out of it and your face is going to show the tail. I mean, our kids are really good at picking up on our body language, on our facial expressions, on our tone of voice. And you don't want your visit to start with your child sensing that you're pissed off about something that's no good. So instead of getting all revved up, let's calm down, let's shift down a little bit and do a little bit of introspection. Starting to ask yourself what's upsetting you and why. Very often when we get upset about something small like that being 10 minutes late, it's not really about that small thing. It's about the whole history wrapped up into that moment. And it's important to get to the bottom of what those things are. It's important because there can be so many small things that occur in a co parenting relationship, things that aren't really that important in the big scheme of things. But if you continue to conflate with those small things, all of These unresolved underlying bigger issues, then every small thing gets turned into a big thing and that's not good for anybody. One really helpful way to go through this process of asking yourself what's up sending you and why Is to start journaling. Either writing it down with pen and paper or on your phone, keeping track of your interactions with your co parent when you were getting frustrated and what your thoughts were. By consistently journaling your responses to these triggers that you have with your co parent, it can help you better understand your emotional responses. It can help you see patterns in your interactions. It can help you uncover some assumptions that you're making that may not be helpful assumptions in your co parenting relationship. As you're doing this journaling exercise, do not filter yourself. Let all of those negative thoughts just flow out of you. You know, maybe you're thinking to yourself, they just want to ruin my day. It's a crass attempt to ruin my day by making me 10 minutes late. Maybe they know that I'm going to be ticked off and they like to get me angry. Maybe they think it's funny and they're just sitting there ridiculing me. Maybe they know that I have plans with the kids. Maybe the kids told them we're going to be doing something fun and we're going to be running kind of late, cutting it close because of the transfer time. They're trying to make us miss it. Maybe you think that they've been spending these 10 minutes just getting your kids to think negatively about you. Maybe they're talking trash about you to the kids and they wanted to spend that extra time making sure that the children were really upset by the time they came to you. You can think of all sorts of different things, different scenarios that would be negative where your co parent is trying to hurt you. Now, some of that will be based on experience potentially. Maybe something like that has occurred in the past. Maybe it's completely just negative self talk. Maybe there's no basis in fact for some of your assumptions, but it's just coming from the most negative place inside of you because of the pain or the hurt that you're feeling. You know, maybe you're stuck in a really negative loop of self talk generally and this just sort of fits into it. So get all of those thoughts down on paper. One of the great things about putting these thoughts into word, whether it's on paper, whether it's into your phone, especially if you're typing it, is because it is accessing the logical part of your brain. You're Putting these feelings into words, and that's a logical activity, is going to initially start to regulate you. Just because you're getting out of your feelings and into your thinking brain, that's going to help just to start. Once you've allowed this onslaught of negative thoughts to just flow, you can now hopefully with a little bit less reactivity because you've engaged your thinking brain, expand a little bit, reframe the situation to think about some other options. I mean, the question is now what else could be true? I know it's a possibility that my co parent just spent the last 10 minutes running me down in front of my kid, but maybe something else happened. You know, maybe depending on your child, there was a bathroom emergency that made them 10 minutes late. Maybe they got halfway out of the neighborhood and your kid realized that they forgot their homework and they had to turn back and get it. You know, maybe they ran into some traffic and it took them an extra few minutes to get to you. Maybe your parent is just chronically late, right? Maybe that's who that co parent is. That doesn't mean that it's okay or that you should put up with it, but it's not an attack against you, right? You're kind of collateral damage in that situation if they're just perennially running late. So there's lots of options, some innocuous, some still really frustrating, that are possible alternatives to co parent just trying to hurt you. Now, it still doesn't excuse the fact that your co parent should have texted you or called you and said, oh, I'm so sorry we're running 10 minutes late. You know, we'll be there at this time. This is our eta. Of course that's what they should be doing. That's really helpful. And they didn't do it. But you don't have to go so negative into thinking that you're actively trying to hurt you when maybe that's the farthest from their thought process. There can be kind of a surprising outcome to permitting yourself to reframe the situation to come up with some more positive scenarios for your co parent other than they just want to ruin my life. And that more positive outcome is it's going to help you. I mean, it feels good to be charitable to other people. Our body physiologically reacts favorably. That's a good thing for us to do. Our body rewards us for it. You're going to start feeling less stressed, you're going to be less reactive. And having that sort of generous interpretation being offered to your co parent is going to just make you feel better, better about the situation. As you're going through this process of getting those negative feelings out, then reframing for some more positive alternatives, you are emotionally downshifting. You're going from being revved up and pissed off and ready for a fight to being more calm, more centered, more at peace. You're getting emotionally ready to greet your children in a way that's going to start off your parenting time. Well, it's so frustrating when I see my own clients respond reactively to provocations from the co parent in a way that just adds on to the misery, you know, so your co parent's 10 minutes late. Maybe they give you a look when you get to the visitation transfer that you take as being. Yep, I don't care that I was late. Right. Something that really pisses you off. Well, now you're being very reactive and your parenting time with the kids is starting and they're upset, right? They're seeing the tension, they're sensing it. And now you're starting off your visitation period, not welcoming your kids and going off and having a great time, but dealing with the fallout of this situation. That didn't have to be that way. Even if your co parent was intending to be a jerk about the situation, you've added to it. Your reaction to your co parent's provocation is now taking more time away from you and your kids. If you were pissed off at your co parent about the 10 minutes that they took from your parenting time, then you should be even more pissed at yourself because now you've got to dig yourself out of this emotional hole with your kids. And that could take a lot longer than 10 minutes. Once you've processed those emotions in the moment and once you've journaled them, you can go back later and you can look and see what was I feeling, you know, what were the negative thoughts that I had? What were some of the other alternatives and what's the real issue? You know, maybe your co parent is just late all the time. Maybe that's just who they are. They're late to everything. Maybe you've done yourself the good service of building in an extra 10 minutes into your plans because you can never count on them being on time. That's not fair to you. But it's a self protective move on your part so that you're not going to be negatively affected by them being late. As you're looking back at your journal and maybe seeing a trend, maybe you're seeing that the issue isn't the 10 minutes. Maybe the issue is the lack of the communication. Maybe the issue is an ongoing feeling of disrespect. You know, whatever that issue is that you're identifying from your journaling now, you can, at a later time when you're not so reactive, when your kids aren't present, communicate to your co parent about what that situation is in a way that is more likely going to produce some sort of more positive outcome. It may not fix the issue immediately, but at least you haven't been sabotaging yourself by throwing out some reactive text message that's going to make you look like the asshole. Don't hurt yourself just because you're tripping over your co parent's provocation. That doesn't make any sense. It also allows you to consider what are all the current issues that I need to address with my co parent and where does this situation rank? You only have so much relational capital in any relationship. You only have so much that you can put out at once to try to address. You need to prioritize those issues and address them in a way that makes sense. Being less reactive, journaling what's upsetting you and why, thinking of these other possibilities, ranking in order the things that are most concerning to you and and addressing them in an order that makes most sense based on your priorities is a much better outcome than getting reactive. Getting pissed, causing a scene, upsetting your children, and producing a record for the court that you're also the problem. So first step in trying to address co parenting conflict is to pause. Ask yourself what's upsetting you and why. Think through the possible alternatives, allow yourself to regulate, and then at a later time you can formulate a response to your co parent that addresses your needs. Thank you everybody, Hope you have a great day.
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