Coparent Academy Podcast #158 – Do You Know Why You’re Mad at Your Coparent?

Hosts: Linda VanValkenburg and Ron Gore
Date: May 5, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, the hosts dive into the emotionally charged issue of co-parenting conflict, focusing on how to turn potentially harmful conflict into something constructive. The central theme is understanding what truly upsets you about your co-parent, particularly when small incidents escalate due to underlying, unaddressed issues. The hosts provide practical introspection tools—mostly through journaling—to help listeners break out of reactive cycles, better regulate their emotions, and prevent minor issues from damaging their relationship with their children.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Inescapability and Potential Value of Conflict

• Conflict is normal: Co-parenting often involves unavoidable conflict, but it doesn't have to be destructive.
• Reframing conflict: The first step in transforming conflict is self-awareness—stop and ask yourself, "Why am I upset?" (00:23)

Classic Example: Being 10 Minutes Late

• Scenario: Waiting in a parking lot while your co-parent is late for a visitation exchange.
• Escalation: The longer you wait, the more negative thoughts bubble up, and dysregulation increases. (01:10)
• Impact on children: Kids pick up on your tension, risking a negative start to visitation.

Introspection Instead of Reactivity

• Pause and ask: “What's really upsetting you and why?” Often, it’s not the small incident itself, but accrued unresolved issues.
• Quote:

  "If you continue to conflate with those small things, all of these unresolved underlying bigger issues, then every small thing gets turned into a big thing and that's not good for anybody." — Ron Gore (02:05)

The Power of Journaling

• Track interactions and triggers: Write down your feelings, even if they’re highly negative or irrational.
• Benefits:
  • Identify patterns
  • Uncover harmful assumptions
  • Engage the logical brain for self-regulation (03:30)
• Quote:

  "Do not filter yourself. Let all of those negative thoughts just flow out of you." — Ron Gore (03:42)

Letting the Negative Flow & Transitioning to Logic

• Example negative thoughts: They’re deliberately trying to ruin your day, ridicule you, or turn the kids against you.
• Reality check: Some assumptions are based on past experience, others are purely from your own pain or negative self-talk.
• Emotional processing: Writing these thoughts down helps regulate by shifting from emotional to logical thinking. (05:20)

Reframing and Considering Alternatives

• Active exercise: After purging negativity, deliberately ask, "What else could be true?"
• Alternative explanations: Maybe there was a bathroom emergency, traffic, forgotten homework, or even just chronic lateness—not intentional malice. (06:30)
• Quote:

  "You're kind of collateral damage in that situation if they're just perennially running late. So there's lots of options, some innocuous, some still really frustrating, that are possible alternatives to co parent just trying to hurt you." — Ron Gore (07:00)

The Value of Charitable Interpretations

• Physiological and emotional benefits: Being generous in your interpretations reduces your own stress.
• Readiness for parenting: Approaching visitation calmly improves your time with your child.
• Quote:

  "Our body rewards us for it. You're going to start feeling less stressed, you're going to be less reactive." — Ron Gore (08:00)

Consequences of Reactivity

• Escalation: Reacting harshly to a co-parent’s provocation can ruin the start of parenting time and affect children.
• Self-Inflicted Harm: Your anger at lost time can compound if you then spend even more energy correcting the tension you displayed to your kids.
• Quote:

  "If you were pissed off at your co parent about the 10 minutes that they took from your parenting time, then you should be even more pissed at yourself because now you've got to dig yourself out of this emotional hole with your kids. And that could take a lot longer than 10 minutes." — Ron Gore (09:10)

Using Journaling for Future Communication and Strategy

• Reviewing your journal: Later, when calm, review your triggers and feelings for patterns.
• Identify real issues: Is the problem the lateness itself, lack of communication, or a sense of disrespect?
• Strategic communication: Address issues when calm, improving the chance for a positive outcome.
• Quote:

  "You only have so much relational capital in any relationship. You only have so much that you can put out at once to try to address. You need to prioritize those issues and address them in a way that makes sense." — Ron Gore (10:25)

Core Takeaway and Stepwise Process

• Step One: Pause, ask what’s truly upsetting you, and regulate your emotions.
• Step Two: Brainstorm alternative explanations for your co-parent’s actions.
• Step Three: Journal and later review patterns and recurring issues.
• Step Four: Prioritize and communicate when calm, not in the heat of the moment.
• Summary advice:

  "First step in trying to address co parenting conflict is to pause. Ask yourself what's upsetting you and why. Think through the possible alternatives, allow yourself to regulate, and then at a later time you can formulate a response to your co parent that addresses your needs." — Ron Gore (11:05)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Conflict is not inherently bad. It can be positive if approached in the right way." (00:18)
• "Do not filter yourself. Let all of those negative thoughts just flow out of you." (03:42)
• "It feels good to be charitable to other people. Our body physiologically reacts favorably." (08:00)
• "If you were pissed off at your co parent about the 10 minutes that they took from your parenting time, then you should be even more pissed at yourself because now you've got to dig yourself out of this emotional hole with your kids." (09:10)
• "Don't hurt yourself just because you're tripping over your co parent's provocation. That doesn't make any sense." (10:02)
• "You only have so much relational capital in any relationship. ... You need to prioritize those issues and address them in a way that makes sense." (10:25)

Timeline of Important Segments

• 00:00–01:20 Introducing the inevitability of conflict; classic lateness scenario
• 01:21–03:30 How small incidents trigger bigger emotional reactions; impact on kids
• 03:31–05:20 Intro to journaling as a tool for emotional processing
• 05:21–06:30 Moving from emotional outbursts to logical thinking
• 06:31–08:00 Reframing scenarios and seeing alternative explanations
• 08:01–09:10 Emotional benefits of generosity; physiological rewards
• 09:11–10:30 Long-term consequences of reactivity, self-inflicted emotional harm
• 10:31–11:22 Reviewing journaling, planning intentional communication, prioritizing issues, and stepwise approach to co-parenting conflict

Conclusion

This episode offers practical, empathetic, and actionable advice for co-parents struggling with the emotional fallout of conflict. By pausing, journaling, reframing, and reflecting before reacting, you can protect your well-being and your children’s—and stand a better chance of creating a cooperative, positive co-parenting dynamic.