Coparent Academy Podcast, Episode #160

Title: Why Coparents Should Care About Mindfulness
Release Date: May 19, 2025
Hosts: Ron Gore (A), Linda VanValkenburg (not present)
Guest: Karen Cranbill (B), Licensed Attorney & Clinical Social Worker

Overview

This episode explores the essential role of mindfulness in coparenting, highlighting its power to interrupt automatic responses, foster intentional communication, and facilitate healthier relationships. Expert guest Karen Cranbill shares both the theory and practical strategies for incorporating mindfulness, focusing on present-moment awareness, nonjudgmental curiosity, and self-care. The conversation is sprinkled with insightful examples and actionable suggestions to help coparents break out of negative patterns.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

What Is Mindfulness?

• Definition:
  • "Mindfulness is present moment awareness without judgment."
    • (Karen, 00:28)
• Why Coparents Should Care:
  • Mindfulness enables individuals to notice and break out of automatic, often counterproductive, reaction patterns by creating space for intentional and effective responses.
  • This shift is particularly crucial when navigating stressful coparenting interactions.

The Impact of Stress on Coparenting

• Stress often triggers “fight, flight, freeze, or people-pleasing” responses, pushing coparents into habitual behaviors that may not serve their best interests—or their child’s.
  • (Karen, 01:44)
• Communication modes (phone, text, co-parenting apps) can influence levels of mindfulness and impulsivity:
  • "When people are on the phone, they are least mindful sometimes. And when they're having to log into a parenting app... they tend to be the most mindful." (Ron, 03:13)

The Role of Awareness and Curiosity

• Automatic Responses:
  • Many negative reactions stem from unrecognized emotional triggers, sometimes rooted in past experiences (e.g., voicemail avoidance due to previous trauma).
    • (Karen, 03:40)
• Importance of Nonjudgment:
  • Mindfulness invites people to observe their reactions without self-criticism, creating room for curiosity—“Why is this hard for me?”—rather than shame.
    • “I really like that part where I'm not judging myself.” (Karen, 05:07)

Internal Conflict in Coparenting

• Karen and Ron discuss how internal conflicts (e.g., wanting to communicate effectively but feeling resistance) mirror external ones and benefit from mindful inquiry:
  • “Stopping and asking yourself, what is it that's upsetting you? And why is really good internal conflict management.” (Ron, 05:38)
• Internal resistance may come from old, often forgotten sources, like childhood memories (e.g., being labeled a slow reader in school).
  • (Karen, 09:57)

Practical Steps for Building Mindfulness

1. Notice

• Repeatedly encourage “noticing” one’s feelings, thoughts, body sensations, and behaviors.
  • “I want them to leave the session with just one thing, which is just to notice.” (Karen, 08:05)
• Even if reflection comes after an automatic response, it still builds awareness for the future.

2. Slow Down / Be Deliberate

• Slowing down helps disrupt automatic responses—but for some, this can provoke discomfort or shame. “Deliberate” can be a more approachable alternative.
  • (Karen, 08:06)

3. Explore Emotional Roots

• Triggers are not always logical or recent; noticing and honoring past experiences can unlock understanding and healing.
  • (Ron & Karen, 11:24–12:44)

4. Grounding in Sensory Experience

• Engaging the senses (e.g., stepping outside, changing environment) reconnects mind and body, reducing overwhelm.
  • "The sensory experience of just the colors, the sounds, the feelings of the air can help a person kind of get back grounded." (Karen, 14:18)

5. Define a Way of Being (Values-Oriented Response)

• Instead of focusing on a specific outcome, identify desired qualities like “compassion,” “curiosity,” or “self-care” to guide your approach.
  • “It’s more about identifying a way of being that we want to move towards and not necessarily a specific goal, because a way of being is more present with us.” (Karen, 23:23)

6. Tools and Techniques

• Taking notes during difficult conversations can anchor attention and regulate emotion (“name it to tame it”).
  • "Sometimes it helps for me to have a notebook and take notes because it's giving me something to do." (Ron, 21:24)
• Being transparent about your note-taking can also help defuse suspicion and invite mutual trust.

7. Going Small—Self-Care

• Tiny, reliable acts of self-care, before or after tough conversations, help rebuild self-trust, especially for inner “parts” that feel neglected or wary.
  • "Small experiences of taking care of ourselves can develop a feeling of trust in ourselves, which a lot of people don't have." (Karen, 30:44)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Mindfulness:
  • "Mindfulness is present moment awareness without judgment."
    – Karen, 00:28
• On Internal Barriers:
  • "Internal conflict is a very interesting subject because in life we often have to come up with a response...there might be a part of us that's not on board."
    – Karen, 06:08
• On Curiosity Over Shame:
  • “Some of [my clients] are like, oh, I really like that part where I'm not judging myself.”
    – Karen, 05:07
• On Patterns Learned in the Past:
  • "Sometimes we might not realize if they're not in therapy...when I hear what thought or memory just popped into my mind? It might seem very random...but maybe it's not random."
    – Karen, 10:49
• On Setting Compass Over Goals:
  • “A compass doesn’t give us a destination. It just gives us a direction. And then what we can do is pick a next step in the direction of our values and priorities.”
    – Karen, 25:17
• On Building Self-Trust:
  • "Small, small experiences of taking care of ourselves can develop a feeling of trust in ourselves, which a lot of people don't have."
    – Karen, 30:44

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:28] – Mindfulness defined – “present moment awareness without judgment”
• [01:44] – Automatic responses and why mindfulness matters for coparents
• [03:13] – How communication modes affect mindfulness
• [04:05] – Example: Past trauma affecting current coparenting behaviors
• [08:05] – First mindfulness step: Noticing
• [14:18] – Using sensory experience to break out of stress cycles
• [15:06] – Values vs. goals—compass metaphor
• [21:24] – Techniques for staying present (note-taking)
• [23:23] – Emphasizing a way of being
• [25:17] – Compass analogy for values/priorities
• [30:44] – Micro self-care and building internal trust
• [33:35] – Wrap-up advice: "Just start with noticing"

Episode Wrap-Up

• Karen’s Key Advice:
  • “Just start with noticing. Ask yourself a lot of questions like, what's hard about this?... Sometimes, what's hard and bad about it might be a little bit different from what we're assuming.” (Karen, 33:35)
• Ron’s Summary:
  • Mindfulness aids coparents by increasing self-understanding, improving communication, and creating opportunity to break cyclical patterns for the benefit of everyone, especially children. (Ron, 34:35)

Practical Takeaways

• Mindfulness begins with simply noticing—no major overhaul required
• Reflection helps differentiate real needs from habitual reactions
• Defining core values/ways of being gives you control, regardless of your coparent’s behavior
• Small acts of self-care can ease even entrenched emotional challenges

For more resources, Karen mentions lists of values from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and attitudes of mindfulness—she offers to provide these for listeners seeking further guidance. (27:59, 28:06)