Coparent Academy Podcast
Episode #161 - Can a 12 Year Old Decide Which Parent to Live With?
Hosts: Linda VanValkenburg (A) & Ron Gore (B)
Date: May 26, 2025
Episode Overview
This episode explores a common misconception in coparenting and custody disputes: the belief that a 12-year-old child can independently decide which parent to live with. Hosts Linda VanValkenburg and Ron Gore delve into the legal realities, the emotional impact on children, and the pitfalls for parents who buy into or perpetuate this myth. They share personal anecdotes and client stories to humanize the legal process and highlight the central role of parent-child relationships and parental self-esteem in custody arrangements.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. The Myth of the “12-Year-Old’s Choice”
- Prevalence of the Misconception:
- Both children and parents frequently believe that, at age 12, kids get to choose where they live.
- Linda (A): "I hear a lot of kids say... at this age I can decide where I live and I don't ever have to go back to the other house." [00:00]
- Ron (B): "It's always, they're 12, they get to choose. So somehow that's entered into the common wisdom and what everybody wants to believe." [01:53]
- Both children and parents frequently believe that, at age 12, kids get to choose where they live.
- Legal Reality in Oklahoma:
- At age 12, a child is presumed mature enough for their preference to be considered by the court—as one factor among many, not as the deciding factor.
- Ron (B): "In Oklahoma, at least... it's presumptive that [a child] possess[es] the maturity necessary to express an opinion... as one of all of the factors." [00:19]
- At age 12, a child is presumed mature enough for their preference to be considered by the court—as one factor among many, not as the deciding factor.
2. The Emotional Burden on Children
- Pressure to Choose is Harmful:
- Children feel confused and pressured, often sacrificing their true feelings for family harmony or parental expectations.
- Linda (A): "I tell kids, what if it wasn't an option where you lived?... Why is it suddenly an option?" [02:55]
- "The younger ones... are very leery of making the decision and don't think they should be. 'I don't think I'm old enough for that, Linda.'" [03:39]
- Children feel confused and pressured, often sacrificing their true feelings for family harmony or parental expectations.
- Children’s Desire for Fairness:
- Most kids want fairness, balance, and not to have to choose between parents they love.
- Linda (A): "'I love both of my parents, why should I have to choose between them? I just want it to be fair or the same or equal.'" [03:39]
- Ron (B): "I feel like the reason the kids focus so much on fairness is because they live in a world without control." [04:32]
- Most kids want fairness, balance, and not to have to choose between parents they love.
3. The Dynamics of Preference and Familial Relationships
- Why Children “Choose”:
- Children sometimes choose the parent they feel safest with, or they might attempt to seek connection with the less-present parent.
- Ron (B): "They're going to hurt the one that they think will forgive them and love them anyway." [05:04]
- Linda (A) describes a girl who chose to live with her absent father to gauge if he would pay more attention to her. [05:15]
- Children sometimes choose the parent they feel safest with, or they might attempt to seek connection with the less-present parent.
- The Impact of Exploration:
- When children test the waters with the other parent, the hoped-for emotional pay-off is often absent, leading to disappointment.
- Linda (A): "They don't get more attention when they're there all the time." [06:22]
- When children test the waters with the other parent, the hoped-for emotional pay-off is often absent, leading to disappointment.
- Risk of Severed Relationships:
- A moving story is shared about a mother who, feeling rejected, refused to allow her daughter to return after a trial period with her father and even removed her daughter’s belongings.
- Linda (A): "...the mother had a garage sale and sold everything in the daughter's bedroom... The girl wasn't coming back at all?" [07:55]
- Ron (B): "So she just wrote her off. She decided, oh, I guess I'm an empty nester as far as that kid is concerned." [08:27]
- A moving story is shared about a mother who, feeling rejected, refused to allow her daughter to return after a trial period with her father and even removed her daughter’s belongings.
4. Modeling and Sibling Relationships
- Parental Responses Impact All Children:
- How a parent treats one child affects the siblings, conveying messages about acceptance, rejection, and conditional love.
- Ron (B): "She was telegraphing to the younger children that you're disposable and this is what will happen to you if you hurt me in this way." [09:41]
- Linda (A): "They feel like they are Persona non grata when they do come back..." [10:07]
- How a parent treats one child affects the siblings, conveying messages about acceptance, rejection, and conditional love.
5. Parental Self-Esteem and Emotional Maturity
- Root of Unhealthy Reactions:
- Deep-seated issues with self-esteem often drive parents’ feelings and actions in custody disputes.
- Linda (A): "[The] mother in particular had told me that she felt like she was being punished for all she had sacrificed and done for this child..." [12:35]
- Ron (B): "Her self-esteem is so fragile that she can only lash out." [12:35]
- Deep-seated issues with self-esteem often drive parents’ feelings and actions in custody disputes.
- Advice for Parents:
- Building parental capacity and self-worth can result in happier parents and healthier long-term child relationships, regardless of the court’s arrangements.
- Ron (B): "Trying to build up their self-esteem and capacity as parents... they'll be establishing that foundation for the child once they turn 18 to typically have a much better relationship with them." [11:49]
- Building parental capacity and self-worth can result in happier parents and healthier long-term child relationships, regardless of the court’s arrangements.
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- On the misconception:
- Ron (B): "Those three year olds are pretty sophisticated with their research of case law and statute, I'm sure." [01:45]
- On the power struggle:
- Linda (A): "What if it wasn't an option where you lived?" [02:55]
- On a child's exploration for connection:
- Linda (A): "...this was like her last ditch effort to figure [out] before she leaves home for good and goes away to college..." [06:45]
- On heartbreaking rejection:
- Ron (B): "So she went from what appears to have been a mainly emotionally safe person to incredibly unsafe." [09:52]
Timestamps for Important Segments
- [00:00] – Common myths children and parents believe about custody choices at age 12
- [00:19] – Legal standards in Oklahoma: child’s opinion as one factor, not decisive
- [03:39] – Children’s feelings about being asked to choose and their reluctance
- [05:15] – Case study: Teenager seeks connection with an absent parent
- [07:55] – Sad outcome: Parent rejects child after child’s experiment with living arrangements
- [09:41] – Impact of parental rejection on siblings and overall family dynamic
- [11:17] – Discussion on self-esteem issues and how they influence parental reactions and family health
Summary in Context
The episode dispels a widespread custody myth and argues powerfully against putting children in the position to “choose” between parents. Through both legal clarification and moving case studies, Linda and Ron show how ongoing emotional maturity, fairness, and self-esteem in parents are essential to guiding children through custody transitions without unnecessary pain or division. The hosts urge parents to remain the “safe harbor,” allowing children space to explore relationships without fear of permanent rejection.
For coparents, the message is clear: Let courts weigh preferences appropriately, protect your children from adult decisions, and focus on long-term emotional security over immediate emotional hurt.