Coparent Academy Podcast – Episode #162

Title: How to Have Hard Conversations with Your Coparent
Hosts: Linda VanValkenburg & Ron Gore
Guest/Co-Host: Karen
Release Date: June 2, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode tackles one of the most universal and challenging aspects of co-parenting: how to have difficult conversations with a co-parent, especially when conflict or differing perspectives are involved. Rather than framing the issue as battling with a “narcissistic ex,” the hosts focus on curiosity, compassion, and self-preparation to move through tough talks constructively.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Reframing Difficult Conversations

• Not About "Positions":
  Rather than coming in with a rigid position to defend, Karen suggests co-parents acknowledge their own mixed feelings and invite those into the conversation.
  • “Maybe it would help to have that be part of the conversation and the other person might be experiencing that as well… Most of us do have mixed emotions about things or different perspectives that we can take.” (01:25, Karen)
• Self-Compassion and Curiosity:
  The episode encourages being compassionate with oneself and curious about both one’s own and the other parent’s inner dynamics.

2. Practical Example: Daycare Selection Disagreements

• Multiple Perspectives within Each Parent:
  Using daycare selection (play-focused vs. academically-focused) as a common conflict:
  • “A part of me is really focused on the child being able to be in an environment where there’s play as the focus, because from a developmental perspective, children, the work of childhood is play.” (03:37, Karen)
  • “…but I could also acknowledge, like, part of me really understands we want our child to be successful in life. We don’t want to feel like our child’s getting behind other children.” (04:33, Karen)
• Humor and Exaggeration:
  Ron highlights the worry spiral parents go through:
  • “If they don’t go into the hoity toity preschool, they won’t get into the excel academy, then they won’t get into the private high school on scholarship, and then they won’t get into Harvard…” (05:01, Ron)

3. Bringing in Personal Histories and Emotions

• Legacy of Parent’s Own Experiences:
  Parents may be reacting not just to the child’s needs, but their own childhoods.
  • “…I think part of me is reacting to the experience I had. Which doesn’t mean that there’s nothing important there to learn from it. But it might just mean maybe part of what I’m feeling is about me and not about the kid.” (06:52, Karen)
• Strong Emotions in Co-Parenting Decisions:
  Feelings of sadness, guilt, or fear (e.g., about missing time with the child or the child’s future) often underscore what seem to be practical disagreements.

4. Effective Conversation Structure

• Stage the Conversation:
  Karen advocates for a stepwise approach:
  • “Maybe the first stage would be if each person could come into the conversation not with a position, but with some introspection about what are their own multiple perspectives about this…” (08:03, Karen)
  • Encourage taking turns sharing individual viewpoints without the need for immediate solution-seeking.
• Handling Pushback or Emotional Shutdown:
  When a co-parent just wants to “cut to the chase,” note that this is likely an established pattern:
  • “The first thought that came to my mind is that if the other parent who’s doing the shutting down is doing that, then that’s probably a pattern that they’ve been in.” (10:08, Karen)
  • Recognize personal coping strategies are highly individual (e.g., belly breathing isn’t for everyone).

5. Practical Tips for Self-Care and Resilient Communication

• Self-Preparation:
  Know your own patterns and prepare strategies that help you (emotionally and physically) endure hard conversations.
  • “Try to find a way for yourself… what is a way that I can help myself get through these next few minutes of this conversation…” (11:29, Ron)
• Iterative Engagement:
  It’s okay if a hard conversation needs to happen in stages or through written communication (email/text) when live dialogue is too fraught.
  • “That would give the person an opportunity if they want to shut it down. Hey, we’re done talking for right now. We’re going to need to talk about it again.” (16:55, Ron)

6. Understanding and Honoring the Other Parent

• Curiosity Over Mindreading:
  Try to understand what drives the other parent’s steadfastness—even if you’ve been with the person a long time, assumptions can be wrong.
  • “Even after 25 years of marriage, I may think that I know and I’m wrong.” (16:33, Ron)
• Segmented Conversations:
  Take the pressure off by focusing first on perspectives, not solutions:
  • “…step one, it’s only about taking perspectives on this thing. Some strategy that is used a lot in therapy is just like taking it one step at a time…” (17:54, Karen)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Karen:
  “Sometimes we want to give our kids what we needed, but not what they need.” (14:12)
• Ron:
  “Just like any adaptation… you adapt because of the need at the time. And then that adaptation stays longer than the environment that needed the adaptation.” (14:37)
• Karen:
  “Having it in an iterative process… gives the opportunity that at least there’s a chance for these different perspectives to come out.” (17:40)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:33–01:25: Introducing curiosity and compassion in difficult conversations
• 03:03–06:55: Example: differing perspectives on daycare types
• 08:00–09:15: Structured approach to sharing perspectives
• 10:08–12:12: Coping mechanisms for emotional shutdown/disagreement
• 14:12–14:37: Giving kids what we needed vs. what they need now
• 16:13–17:54: Approaching conversations iteratively; being aware of assumptions

Recap & Takeaways

• Enter tough talks with self-awareness and openness to your own mixed emotions.
• Invite the other parent’s perspectives without immediately seeking consensus.
• Recognize emotional patterns and self-care needs, particularly when conflict is high.
• Structure the conversation into manageable steps, and allow for breaks or follow-ups as needed.
• Resist the urge to mindread; instead, stay curious and iterative in your engagement.

Whether you’re navigating disagreements over something practical like daycare or deeper emotional divides, this episode arms you with strategies for more compassionate, mindful, and effective co-parenting communication.